Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Bang for Your Buck - full transcript

I hereby call the Founder's Day

Planning Committee meeting to order.

Okay, can I tempt you ladies
with a charcuterie board?

Maybe amuse your bouche?

Oh, wow.

Mike, that's a beautiful cheese plate.

I always wondered what you did all day.

- Hmm.
- Okay, so, this year...

We're gonna go all out

- to celebrate the founding of the town,
- I'll have some later.

By my husband Kent's great,
great, great-grandfather,



Thaddeus Wyatt.

He came here a long time ago

with nothing but a knife anda
passion for killing animals

and he turned this town into
the greatest fur-trading post

that Nebraska's ever seen.

Ooh, Deb, you, like,
married into Bucksnort royalty.

Yeah. I suppose I did,
and that's why on Founder's Day,

we treat Kent like a king,
and he wears the Founder's Cape.

Wow. A cape? So regal.

Well, it's made out of deer

and it's got a bunch
of bullet holes in it.

Yeah. And every year,
we reenact the founding of Bucksnort.

Ooh, reenactment.
I'm kind of a closet thespian.

And we've all come to
love the theatrical



and the weird things that
you choose to do, Rio...

- Thanks
- ...and with that in mind,

what we've decided is...

we'd like to offer you
the role of the...

Maiden of Bucksnort.

- Yes.
- What?

It's an honor, Rio.

Every year, we pick the woman

that represents the spirit of our town.

- And y-you picked me?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- I'm just... I'm flabbergasted.

Connie, can you let Kent
know when he can come by

for you to take his picture
for the story in the paper?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
- Oh, wait.

Bucksnort has a newspaper?

The Bucksnort Bugle. Founded in 1876.

It comes out once a year.

I'd be happy to help out.

I could write up a piece on Kent.

You know, Mike is a tremendous writer.

- Come on.
- He was a journalist in New York.

- Come on, no. I just, you know...
- You'd be lucky to have him.

I reviewed music,
and I-I wrote a few profiles,

but I did get really close to
a Rolling Stone cover once.

It was so political, babe.
That was not...

I took a big swingwith
a reply-all e-mail,

and it... it backfired.

I don't want to hear all that.
Just take it. The paper's yours.

- The whole... The whole paper? The...
- Yeah, it's all yours. Just take it.

- Honey, wow. Okay.
- Uh, uh...

- Wow.
- I can't wait to dig in.

No need to dig.
Just print the school lunch menu.

Great. And where do I...
I'll get that from the school.

- Okay. Don't even think about it.
- Yeah.

Uh, excuse me, can I, um, just...

- I need your help over here
- Yes, yes, yes,

- with something.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We'll be right back.

- I'm the Maiden! I'm...
- I'm a media tycoon!

You're a media mogul!
Are you kidding me? You're just a...

It'll be fun.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Alright, my first rehearsal's today.

So what do you think of this voice?

Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

- She's a maiden, yeah?
- Yeah, but, like...

Do you think maybe, um, like,
just a little bit higher? Like...

Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

Yeah, but I was hoping to
kind of subvert the norm.

- You know what I mean?
- Mm-hmm.

By the way, Connie brought over

some past issues of the Bugle.

Oh. Wow. Kent's really gone
through a hair journey.

You know, Founder's Day is...

It's covered the exact
same way every year.

I mean, I want people
to be excited, right?

Like, I want them to demand
that the Bugle is bi-annual.

- That's my goal.
- Can I...

... say something in, like,

a super-chill, very relaxed way?

- Oh, yeah.
- Just to kind of...

- Door's always open for a little...
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You remember there was
that one time you were covering

that story about
the breakup of Sonic Youth

and you, like,
chewed through four night guards?

- Yeah. Uh...
- Do you remember that?

I just mean, like, this is a small town.

I don't want you to get to that space.

I-In my defense,
three of them were defective.

I did... gnaw through one of them.

But... But I think the bigger point
that you're making, I hear.

- Good.
- And I am gonna just

- focus on this being fun.
- I'm just saying,

don't rock the boat, you know?

It's like, I am the Maiden now,

and you are Mr. Editor-in-Chief.

- Oh, yeah.
- And we're like

a Bucksnort power couple now.

- Oh.
- You know? It's like...

we have a reputation to uphold.

- Mm. Okay.
- Okay?

- Mm-hmm. Alright.
- Okay, good. Alright.

God!

Rudy, how long have you
been standing there?

What... Okay.

- W-What the heck was that?
- I don't know.

- What's he doing?
- He was standing there.

This must be for you.

"To the Editor of the Bugle.
Don't believe Kent's lies."

Signed, "Any Mouse."

He must mean "anonymous."

- I mean, I should think so.
- But wh...

- Oh, I...
- What are Kent's lies?

- Just, you know...
- You're right. You're right. Right.

- I'm gonna keep it light.
- Let it go, alright?

Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

Rudy? I read your "anonymous" note.

That wasn't me.
That could have been any mouse.

But pretty interesting
stuff about Kent lying, huh?

Yeah, I'm just not really looking

for that type of thing right now.

Oh, really? Look at this.

Kent's family didn't discover Bucksnort.

My ancestor Archibald Longfellow did.

This is his journal.

"I want to call our
new settlement Buck Town,

but my wife snorted at the notion,

so I'm calling it Bucksnort.

Which she also hates."

But then he goes on to say,

"The trees are gossiping about me again.

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them."

I just don't know that we can
rely on Archibald as a source.

Please, help me uncover the truth.

Isn't that what a real reporter does?

No. No. Nope. No, no.

This is a community paper.

I am not looking for big stories.

I want pictures of
cute kids eating stuff.

Huh. I can see you're in
the pocket of the Wyatts,

like everybody else.
The back pocket. Where it stinks.

- Just talk to Deb about it.
- Put it on the desk,

and I'll just tell you when I'm coming.

You don't even have to be here.

I don't want to have to sort...

Mom, Dad.

- Mr. and Mrs. Bowman.
- What the hell are you doing?!

I know what you're doing!
Why? I know why!

Get the hose! Get the hose!

No, no, no, you don't have
to get the hose, Dad!

You want me to give Jacob the sex talk?

- Please.
- We'll pay.

I mean, you're a therapist

and you're also kinda slutty.

Both things I went to
college to accomplish.

I... love this idea.

However, it really does need
to come from Dad.

That's the best place.

And also,
I've just been really busy lately.

I don't know if you heard, but I'm...
I'm playing the Maiden of Bucksnort.

- And you're taking the time
- Oh, my God.

- to talk to us? Little old us.
- Congratulations.

- Bless you.
- Really excited.

Okay, I will talk to Jacob,

but could you give me
some tips on words to use?

'Cause I really feel like
I might just black out.

The best thing to do
is really to be honest.

Remember,
you don't want to be judgmental.

You don't want to be shaming, right?

Well, how are you supposed
to talk about it, then?

Well, what you can do is
kind of explain the physical

and emotional components to
sexual intercourse and...

Oh, now, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

And just remember,
it's like your son is now a man

who wants to use his body

- just to express his love through...
- Shut your mouth.

Can you get...

Uh, the spin might look a little
weird in the photograph.

Maybe just hold it still?

There we go. That's nice.

Real Dave Crockett-y. That's really fun.

You know, I would have thought that cape

- would look a little older.
- Huh?

Oh, is that Velcro?

Mike, I want to thank you
for keeping the paper going.

You know, for telling the
story that we all love...

and agree on.

You know, uh...
funny thing about that story.

There is a contradictory
story out there.

I don't know if you've
seen Archibald's journal.

Oh. Yeah. What a hoot.

Yeah, you know, but, uh, listen,

if you need a veterinarian
at any time, you call me,

and if you guys are
thinking about breeding...

sperm's on me.

Sperm's on you. Yeah.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but, Rudy, you were right.

Kent is hiding something.

He offered me sperm.

Okay, before you run any of
Any Mouse's accusations,

I should let you know... I'm Any Mouse.

Thank you,
but I'm gonna need hard evidence.

What else you got in this trunk?

Generations of Longfellow artifacts.

What are those? Baby teeth?

No shortage of those.

Longfellows have an extra half row.

Jackpot. Dog bones.

Alright, now, what's this fur thing?

Don't be dense, Mike.

That's a dog bone wrap.

Oh, my.

Bullet holes.
Do you know what this means?

This might be the real Founder's Cape.

I mean, this is a story.

Fantastic.

But, now, what should
I use as a dog bone wrap?

I'm so excited for you to get
the first issue of my newspaper.

Yeah, I can't wait to read it.

Uh, oh, heads up, I did exactly
what you asked me not to do.

What does that mean?

What do you mean by that?

Why on God's green Earth

would you stir up an
old family blood feud?

"Who's the Prince of Bucksnort?"

You called Kent a liar?

Why? Why'd you do this?

I just journalistically...

Oh, dear.

Kent. Kent. Oh, wow. Kent.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, no! No, no! Kent! Oh, Kent!

Well, I-I think
the free sperm's off the table.

I-I'm just trying to understand.

Like, are you happy with this result?

Like, is this...
is this what you intended?

Oh, yeah. I have never had someone

burn something I've written
right in front of me.

- Yeah.
- Do you know how much

you have to care about something

- to light it on fire?
- Yes.

And I'm gonna find the truth
no matter what the cost.

Shout-out to my guys W and B.

Are you talking about Woodward
and Bernstein right now?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

They're still alive.

Mike, speaking as the
spirit of Bucksnort,

you are tearing my town apart.

Tear the tow... I'm saving the town.

The town has been way too
comfortable for way too long,

and I'm here,
and I got some things to say.

Are you, like, gearing up for
the next edition right now?

I am gonna fix this town...

- Mike.
- ... with the best tool

I have at my disposal.

- What's that?
- More journalism.

No. Not that.

Jakey, you're a young man.

Mm-hmm.

You've seen the horsesin heat, right?

What?

No.

Maybe.

Is it okay if I did?

- Never mind.
- Okay.

You have a penis.

Yuck.

A woman has two components.

Time is an emotion.

- Don't rush.
- Dad, um...

... is this the sex talk?

I hope so. You tell me.

I never thought you'd
want to talk about this,

but I-I'm definitely going to be

having sexual intercourse
with Janine very soon,

and I think that we would both love

to talk to you about our decision.

You... you want me
to have the... the talk

- with you and your girlfriend?
- And...

And it would be reallynice
if Mom could be there, too.

Absolutely. Yes.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

This should happen to your mother, too.

And the Maiden bore Thaddeus many sons,

each one larger than the last.

I am so fertile.

- Louder, Clara.
- I feel like I'm screaming.

- But you're not scream...
- Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. Sorry.

I, um... I have some ideas for Maiden.

I thought maybe she could have,
like, a limp.

You know, it's like, "Ooh,
what's the story there?"

You know? Oh.

Isn't that the Maiden's crown?

Why... Why is Clara wearin
the Maiden's crown?

- I am so sorry.
- About what?

Uh, Rio, you know what?

Turns out y-you don't embody
the spirit of Bucksnort,

so I found a better role for you.

Kent's gonna stab you in the throat.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

As Thaddeus slashes the throat

of the final Nebraskan buck,

he brings the species into extinction.

That's gonna be you.

- Yeah.
- O-Okay.

Um, Deb, does this have something

- to do with Mike's article?
- No.

- N-No?
- No, no, no. No.

I don't think that a subpar writer

who was fired from his last job

could really write anything
that could tarnish Kent's legacy.

- So, no.
- Mike...

was an amazing journalist in New York,

just so you know, okay?

And up until this moment right now,
I was on your side.

But now I'm kinda like,
"Was he onto something?"

No. Just go. You know what?

- Because this rehearsal's
- Oh.

for people with speaking parts,
and the buck...

the buck just kinda
runs around and screams.

- Oh, good God.
- So, yeah.

Horrible screaming noises.

This is Mike Levine-Young.

I am joined by...

Rudolph Enoch Longfellow.
And I'm wearing overalls.

Uh, Kent Wyatt. Also in overalls.

Alright, we are here with
a Bugle exclusive.

Two rival families coming together.

I guess the best place to
start would be the cape.

Oh, I am willing to concede

that perhaps Rudy's pelt
is the real Founder's Cape,

but only because Archibald
stole it from Thaddeus.

I'm giving Kent a dirty look right now.

Okay, we're not on the radio.
Just stick to the truth.

Anyone who believes
that the town was named

because some woman snorted
is a complete dolt.

Alright, name-calling's
not gonna be helpful, so...

Kent has a butt for a face.
And his story is garbage.

We see bucks everywhere.

Thaddeus didn't murder them all.

He murdered all of a certain species.

- Please.
- Rudy, that's why I became a vet,

so that I could redeem myself
for the sins of my ancestors.

- Oh, your ancestors.
- Oh, wait, do you hear that?

Oh, it's your ancestors, Rudy.
Oh, let me ask.

They want to know why
you're living in a barn!

Okay. There's a line.

Uh, we crossed it a little while ago,

and I'm hoping we can back up...

- and just talk this out.
- I'd like to let Little Rudy

and Big Rudy do the talking for me.

Well, then I will let
Thaddeus and Wyatt do mine.

- No, no, no.
- Let's do this!

- We're gonna talk with our mouths.
- Here we go. Rock and roll.

- Let's go!
- Guys, talk with the mouth.

- No, bring it on.
- Talk with the mouth.

Thank you for your openness.

All my parents will tell me

is that babies get made when
you pray with your pants off.

So, how did you maintain
a truthful dialogue

after the moment of consummation?

Where'd you get that sweater?
Real pretty.

I think what Janine is asking is,

did it get weird talking to Dad

after you guys did intercourse?

Oh, w-why are we even
talking about this?

You're not even married.

Did you wait until you were married?

- Uh-huh. We sure did.
- Yes! Absolutely.

Okay, well,
I don't want to wait until then.

Well, then just go do it,

and we'll pretend we don't
know anything about it.

Wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were supposed

to be honest with each other.

- We are being honest.
- We want you to lie.

We came to you guys to
talk about our bodies

- finding pleasure in each other.
- Jacob!

I didn't raise you
with that dirty mouth.

This is a dinner table.
We have to eat off this table.

Okay. You two need to grow up.

You better watch your mouth!

- Excuse me?
- Come on, Janine.

Let's go to DQ and get a
Reese's Blasted Blizzard.

- Okay.
- Hey!

Nobody's blasting anybody!

You're not taking my truck, boy!

- Rudy!
- Archibald is...

Mud pies aren't gonna stop me, Rudy.

- Not a step closer.
- Don't...

Rudy! Rudy, put it down! Rudy!

- Hey.
- Ah! I got hit!

- What is that, poop?
- You okay?

- Ow!
- I wish it was.

It would better reflect
my feelings towards Kent!

- You were right?
- Huh?

The Wyatts, they're hiding something.

Oh, that's it.

Relax, it's not a gun.

It's just an app.

I am so sorry this escalated.

Uh, we were just doing an interview.

Drop the shovel, Kent.

Drop it.

Rudy, back to the barn.

- No!
- This is not the man I fell for.

Sorry, girlfriend.

I never wanted you to bear
witness to my unbridled rage.

Sometimes, I'm a really bad boy.

- Your lady saved you this time.
- Oh, yeah?

But you show your face at Founder's Day,

and I will rip you limb from limb.

And I shall defend
myself against your limbs

with my remaining limbs.

Oh, this just got very dark.

Honey? Oh, hey.

Honey, y-you were right, okay?

I got... I got carried away,

and I ruined our power-couple status.

You were a beautiful maiden,
and now you're a disgusting buck.

Oh, well, I was... I was trying

to maintain some form of
dignity with this role,

but I-I hear what you're saying.

I'm sorry. If I had listened to you,

I wouldn't have printed something

that got two extremely
gentle old men to brawl.

I feel like I didn't realize how
much the paper meant to you.

I think you miss being a journalist,
you know?

And it's okay to admit that.

I do.

But... I think, more than that,

I-I just miss being good at something.

You are good at something.
You're a good farmer.

That's very sweet of
you, but it's not true.

I-I broke the cardinal rule.

I-I made the story about me,

and it should have been about the town.

So, I'm gonna quit, you know?

Sadly, this thing only
comes out once a year,

so it's gonna be a while
before they notice anyways.

Mike, you're not quitting.
I can't let you quit.

You had the guts to seek out the truth,

and then you came this close
to unearthing something

that Bucksnort has been
trying to hide for years.

Mnh-mnh. Don't quit now.

- The town needs you.
- I know what you're doing.

Mm-hmm?

And I appreciate it. Thank you.

Welcome.

Alright, I'm gonna go let
Kentslice me in the throat.

- Aah!
- Well, have fun.

Thanks.

Wait. 1916?

- Hey, Kay.
- What?

Is this about something I did?

Jacob's so mad about that dang talk.

Why'd we have to have it anyway?

I mean, we never talked
about anything before,

we, you know...

Yeah, I'm not the best at
talking about the physical act.

What's there to talk about?

Well, I just want Jacob to be better at

talking with his son about it
than I am with him.

I think we're gonna have to try again.

Okay, fine.

But the first time one of
them says "oral," I'm out.

And Thaddeus Wyatt surveyed the land,

looking for the final buck.

Buck? Buck?

- This never makes any sense.
- Where are you?

- He's about to kill the buck...
- Mm-hmm.

... but he's wearing the cape
he makes from the buck.

Yeah, I brought that
up to Deb last year,

and she invited me to
leave the committee.

I thought she said she
was classically trained.

Hey, uh, Connie, I found something

I thought you might
want to take a look at.

It's the 50th-anniversary edition

of The Bucksnort Bugle from 1916.

Oh, "Cholera Moves to Mason City.

Bucksnort Rejoices."

Yeah, the funny thing about this

is, uh, you told me the paper
was founded in 1876,

but it was really founded in 1866, so...

Why are you hiding the first 10 years?

Because I was dumb enough

to think that I would stop
you from making a mess.

I think sometimes you
just gotta tell the truth

and trust that the reader
can handle the consequences.

Well, I hope you're right about this.

And Thaddeus unsheathed his knife,

and then he stabbed the buck.

And the buck died.

No, not today!

Maybe stab the buck one more
time so the buck knows.

I hope the town is ready for this.

This is the oldest editionof the paper.

Notice who the editor is.

Wait, was a Longfellow
married to a Wyatt?

Something like that.

This will explain everything.

Okay. Thank you so much.

You're my source from the shadows.

You're my Deep Throat.

W-W-What the heck did you just say?

- Aah!
- Oh, come on.

- Hey, kids.
- Hey.

Sorry about what happened earlier.

We want you both to know...

- we're here for you...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

... if you have any questions.

- Like, for real? Th-Thank you.
- Yeah.

- We have so many questions.
- Yeah.

Well, we're ready to
answer your questions,

because sex is a big deal, you know?

You're... You're about to discover

that there's...
there's nothing more powerful

than a loosened bolo tie
and some Alan Jackson

and... and your own
raw, primal cravings.

- Okay.
- You're gonna feel a tugin your toes,

and then your whole body will
get swept up in a tidal wave,

and you'll be searching,
praying for a roof

or a branch, anything to hold on to.

And then everything's
slipping through your fingers.

And then you realize suddenly

that the strongest thing
you can do is to just let go.

And go and go and...

Sweet Lord, just let it go.

We're not ready.

I don't want to talk to you
guys about this ever again.

Th-Thank you.

We're gonna wait for
them to ask questions.

- What?
- Why? I'm the last guy here.

And having killed the final buck,

Thaddeus was ready for love.

Move.

Be loud.

I am the Maiden of Bucksnort!

Thaddeus! My love!

Simmer down, Clara.

The real founder is here. And it's me.

So, you showed up. Well, you know what?

I'm gonna do to you
what I did to the buck.

- Bring it in.
- Okay, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

I hold in my hand

a letter addressed to both
of your oldest ancestors

that shall prove once and for all

who founded the town of Bucksnort.

So, if you'll allow me...

"My dearest husbands,

founding this town with
the two of you at my side

has been the greatest
pleasure of my life,

more pleasure even than the unsheathing

of our quivering tender..."

No. Hold on. Let me just skim.

Oh. We don't need
the illustrations... Okay.

This is inappropriate!

"Your beloved,
Peregrine Longfellow-Wyatt."

It was a polyandric relationship!

One lady married to two men.

- Fantastic.
- So you both founded Bucksnort.

You wouldn't want something
like that, would you?

Huh?

To have another husband? Hell yeah.

I guess I do see a resemblance.

We do... sneeze the same.

- Brother?
- Brother.

Well, I don't think
that makes you guys...

Well, whatever.

Can I take a gander at the drawings?

Oh, the illustrations?

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna see immediately

why they were called the Longfellows.

Oh, wow.

The buck stops here.

Well, I think the buck starts there.

- Yeah.
- Where does it end?