Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Knuckles - full transcript

[CHUCKLING] Honey,
I'm super into... I mean,

who knew that I was gonna
be so into a fishing jacket?

Look how many pockets there are.
And then there's a bonus.

Watch.

[ZIPPER OPENING, CLOSING RHYTHMICALLY]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

- "Axel F"!
- Yeah.

- "Beverly Hills Cop"!
- Pretty good.

[BOTH VOCALIZING "AXEL F"]

You should do that when
we're gathering around

- the fire tonight making s'mores.
- I know!



Beau and Kay will love it. By the way,

the fact that we've been invited

- by Beau and Kay, this is a big deal.
- What?! It's a big deal.

Have you found your,
um... Your fishing rod?

Yeah, yeah, I found it, and it was with

this amazing box of
activities I used to do

when I would visit Aunt Maggie.

- That's awesome.
- Yeah.

Oh! You'll like this.

- My magic toothpick.
- [CHUCKLING] Okay.

There's nothing abnormal
about this toothpick.

- Oh, looks normal.
- Until...

What?!

[LAUGHS]



I did not know that you did...

- [LAUGHS]
- Right?

- ... you did magic.
- And now it's gone.

In a way, I'm kind of glad that...

you know, I don't know,

that I didn't know that you did magic,

or else I feel like we wouldn't
have gone on our first date.

Well, I only learned a couple of tricks.

And then I took up crochet.

What is that? That's
a Norwegian condom or...?

Honey, it's a scarf.
It's clearly a scarf.

- It is?
- I didn't finish it because,

I got interested in fishing.

It's funny, I look at this box,
and I think,

"I was interested in so many things."

- Yeah, look at you.
- I mean,

I couldn't finish any of them, huh?

[CHUCKLES] I know.
You cannot. That is true.

Wait, you said "cannot." I s...

Do you mean that?
'Cause I said "I could not,"

referring to when I was young

and I used to not finish things.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Right.

"Cannot" means that

I-I currently have a problem with it.

That's what you said... "cannot."

I mean, like...

I don't know, sometimes, like...

- [CHUCKLING] You know?
- Hm.

- Right.
- Yeah. Yep.

Apprec... I appreciate your honesty.

Don't spin, Mike. I-I...

- You finish stuff all of the time.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Mike, when you gonna finish
filling in that irrigation trench?

Theresa the goat has had
to pull me out of it twice.

- Mike...
- I never said I was gonna finish that!

Okay. You know what? Um...

You know, the timing of that,

- uh, was poor...
- Hot dog!

A magic kit and a rat scarf?

Who left us their estate?

Here, let me get that for you, please.

Oh, no, I got it. Light as a feather.

- I know, but...
- You want me to get yours?

No, I'm fine. I'll set it up for you.

- Where should we set it up?
- Wherever you stand,

that's where we're gonna set it up.

Right there? Perfect.

Hey, Rio, what's going on
with Mr. Pouty Puss?

Did the princess sleep on
a pea? [CHUCKLES]

You know, it could just
be a spat or a tiff,

but I have a feeling
it might be a fight.

You know, Beau and I
haven’t had one fight

since we got back together.

Well, I'm sure...
sure that's sustainable.

I mean, all we have to do
is avoid saying anything

that would upset the
other one until we die.

- Yeah.
- Right? For our entire lives.

I find myself being quiet a lot.

Yeah. A lot of listening, right?

And we're watching a ton of shows.

- Mm.
- We've done "Bosch"...

- "Bosch."
- "Goliath."

Um, we watched "Carnival Row."

It's about a bunch of sexually
aggressive fairies.

- And that's the truth.
- Hmm.

- Those fairies are scary.
- Sure.

- Okay, well, good luck.
- Thanks.

Hey, do you want to relax
and I'll unpack your makeup?

Oh, no, I'll do it. You relax.

I mean, unless you want to set up,
and then I would relax.

Yeah, but you hate it more,
so let me just...

- But where does that leave us...
- Hey, guys... guys.

I think it means that
you both are gonna relax.

- Great. I like that.
- Great idea.

I love this.

[LAUGHS] And I love this.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- We both love each other.

I love you more than that. I win. I won.

Okay, well, try not to die of shock,

but I have finished setting up the tent.

- Wow!
- Complete. Done.

- Great! That's great, honey.
- Yeah.

- I think... Oh.
- Now I'm gonna...

- You finished your scarf?
- ... head over to the lake.

- That's... When did you do that?
- [GROANS]

... to do some fishing.

- So... Honey...
- Ow.

- Sweetie.
- Yeah.

I see that you're going fishing,

- and I'm just gonna guess
- Yep.

That you're not over
fully what we had discussed.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

- I'm... I'm totally over it.
- Okay.

And you're gonna be over it, too,

when I return with a thousand fish.

Say what?

Get ready for a fish fry, guys.

♪♪

So you're the one who's been
buying all the TV dinners.

Well, they're perfect for
my new bachelor lifestyle.

If only I had a working TV,
I could fully enjoy them.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey, hang in there, man.

Who knows? Maybe you and my mom
aren't completely over with.

No, she's moved on to Pastor Paul.

She's the sheriff, and he's the pastor.

They're Bucksnort's power couple.

Yeah, but he's so needy
and over the top.

He can't leave any conversation

without some big, dramatic goodbye.

And I don't like his handshakes.
They're very damp.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Well, goodbye, my sweet angel.

[CHUCKLES] Come here.

The bittersweet moment is upon us.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye..
- [CLEARS THROAT]

[GASPS]

Oh. Oh, Rudy, I didn't see you come in.

Sorry. I should've announced myself.

I have an announcement. I'm leaving.

Now, see, that’s how you say goodbye.

Good to see you, Brandon.

Good to see you, as well.

Alright.

[BELLS JINGLE]

- So...
- [SIGHS]

How are things going with the pastor?

I just wish he would relax.

I-I-I just don't know how
much more I can take

of this intense stuff.

[KNOCK ON GLASS]

Ohh.

[SCOFFS]

That is a lot of goodbyes for
someone who never leaves.

[CHUCKLING] Ohh!

Whoo! Ah.

I haven't been this popular

since I wore a tank top at the VFW.

Yeah. Uh, I had one,
and then he swam away.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong
and you're doing right.

- What's the secret?
- Oh, rub myself, uh,

over with... with fish pee.

- Is that true?
- No! I just don't suck

at being a fisherman, Mike.

You're too desperate.
They can sense your need.

Oh! So I got to play it cooler?

Do you think I should, like,
just hold it like that?

- Like I'm, like... I almost forgot I...
- Yeah, turn around, look away.

- I forgot I'm fishing?
- Oh, you got a nibble!

- Just kidding.
- What? Oh.

- [GUNSHOT, WINGS FLAPPING]
- What was that, a gunshot?

Oh, hell. Knuckles is back.

Who's Knuckles?

Just the terror of this lake.

He used to fish with dynamite.

He's got a hell of a shot for
a man with no fingertips.

Just because you don't have fingertips

doesn't mean you get to
do whatever you want.

You know, I'm gonna talk to him.

He just shot those
fish right in the face.

What do you think he's gonna do to you?

Okay, oh, God, he's coming.

- He's coming.
- Yep. Here we go. Here we go.

- Alright, listen to me. Hey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't look him in the eye

and don't do anything
flashy with your hands.

It'll just make him sad.

- [SIGHS]
- Don't...

Hey! How you doing, Knuckles?

I'm Mike. New fisherman.

Yeah, if you say so, Blondie.

Did you call him "Knuckles"?

W-Well, that's...

- you told me that's his name.
- No! that's not his preferred nickname.

Oh, well, you think "Blondie"
is my preferred nickname?

Okay.

- Please.
- Thank you.

I'm actually here to talk
to you about my mom.

She's just not used to
someone coming on this strong.

[SIGHS]

Is... Is it a little too much?

It's a little too not enough.

With my mom and romance,

she likes it ASAP and ATT.

What's ATT?

I'm so happy you asked.

It's All. The. Time.

Came up with it myself. Huh?

- That's clever.
- Yeah.

Give my mother the whole enchilada,

and then give her another enchilada.

♪♪

- [GASPS, STAMMERS]
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- _
- What is the...

Ugh. Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

[AMPLIFIED] You have the righ
to remain beautiful.

Anything you do or say
will be held against me.

Wait, so you told Mike
he never finishes anything?

I got to tell you, Rio,
that's really stupid.

I just don't understand why
this is a big deal.

It's like, when people tell
me about my character flaws,

I genuinely appreciate it.

Everyone hates the way
you say "Barthelona."

- In Barthelona, everyone says
- But...

- 'Barthelona".
- R... but... You've never...

- Have you been there?
- Yeah, I mean...

This is not about me.
It's about Mike. Okay?

And I need to get out of
this whole fight situation.

Okay, well, the only way
Mike's gonna get past this

is if he catches a fish.

KAY: Well, that's never gonna happen.

The only way Mike is catching a fish

is if you stick one on
the end of his hook.

- [LAUGHS]
- That's not gonna be necessary,

because we're gonna have a conversation,

and everything's gonna be okay.

Okay, well, good luck,
'cause he's in a really weird place.

Usually, I can make fun of him and
that makes me feel better,

but he wasn't laughing at any of them.

It wasn't even fun to make fun of him.

- Oh.
- I made a bunch of hilarious jokes

about the length of his pole,

and then I started moving
mine around, you know?

- Did this one.
- Oh, you did?

- I did this one.
- Classic.

Whoo! This one. [IMITATES WHIRRING]

You know? Catch it, reel it in.

- Pretty funny.
- Right?

He... this is what he gave me.

He didn't get anything?

Well, he got it. He just
didn't think it was funny.

- He's wrong.
- Thank you.

Look, I'm gonna go talk to my husband.

I mean, I made a...
a pole joke, a worm joke.

A wiggly worm. Remember?

Want to see me fish?

What, with your penis pole?

- With my penis pole.
- Not right now.

RIO: Hey, honey.

Hon, I got to tell you,
these fish are...

are getting smarter the longer I go.

I feel like I'm watching
real-time evolution.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, I'm starting to ask myself,

"When are they gonna be fishing us?"

Why don't we go back to the
campsite and just, like, chill

- and take a little...
- Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?

[REEL CLICKING]

Okay, based on your tone, I can tell

that we are not done talking
about what I said earlier.

Because you're... probably right.

You're... You... You are right.

I-I-I don't finish things.

- I'm... I am not right.
- It's embarrassing.

You do our taxes every year.

- Barely.
- You have a degree in journalism.

That is four years.

Cold, hard evidence that you
stuck through four years.

And then became a farmer.

I'm not even using my degree.

- That's...
- Oh, my goodness.

- Don't go there!
- It's so obvious you're right.

I-I quit everything.
Not just my hobbies.

- That's not... No.
- I quit my work, what I studied.

- Mike...
- I quit my whole life!

Honey, you're...
you're spiraling out here...

What if I give up on the farm?
W-What if that's next?

You've gone [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
You know what I mean?

You don't have to do that. Listen...

I got to catch...
I got to catch this fish.

Everything that I'm about,

everything I believe in
and that I stand for...

I'm gonna sit down.

- ... hinges on this.
- Sure. No, I hear you.

So I'm gonna sit here,
and we're gonna do this.

We're gonna wait it out,

and I'm gonna stay
here as long as it takes.

Which'll probably be pretty quick.

Because I believe in you.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Okay. This is the one.

♪♪

- Ohh...
- Mike...

Hey. What's the... What...

- [YAWNING] Yeah?
- Is it... w-what... morning right now?

Yes, ma'am. Top o' the morning to you.

Little update from last night.

Still don't have a bite.
Still don't have a bite.

But the good news is,

the fish have stopped
seeing me as a threat,

- which is right where I want them.
- What?

- Mornin'!
- [CHUCKLING] Hey.

I didn't know what you wanted,
so I made everything we had.

Well... I want what you want.

Oh, well, I'll just
take whatever's left over

after you take what you want.

Okay, this has got to stop.

You're right. It's just so strange
being back together, you know?

It's like we're supposed
to be this perfect,

healthy couple all of a sudden.
Like we're...

ugh, Mike and Rio.

Ugh. They mean well,
but gosh, they're...

- Oh, it's tough stuff.
- They're uphill.

Well, we got to have the
first fight of our new marriage.

We can't keep holding it in.
It's not good for our guts.

Okay, I love that. Let's do it.

What should we fight about?

- Okay, you tell me about your day.
- Mm-hmm.

And then I'll pretend to listen,
and then you call me

- an expired tub of... Yeah.
- Expired tub of sour cream. Yep.

Alright, so, Mike and I
were out on the dock,

and the lake was so smooth.

The trout were bitin'.

- What were you using?
- Oh, God, you're listening!

- Oh. I'm sorry!
- Beau, you're really listening!

I care about what you
say now. This sucks!

Wait, what's happening?

I'm trying to roll my eyes.
They won't even go up.

Looks like you're having a BM.

I've had easy ones these days.

- [EXHALING SHARPLY]
- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to sigh.
- Oh.

Just sounds like I'm panting.

- Let me try rolling my eyes.
- Okay.

Wait, don't fall!

Oh, I was. I was going straight back!

Oh. Why don't you just push?
Give me a good old shove.

I'll push you.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Why can't I do it?!
- I don't know.

Brandon. Is Paul still waiting for me?

Yep. He is still here.

Good Lord! Yesterday was so crazy.

I can't get away from him.

RUDY: Connie, can you hear me?

Rudy?

Turn to channel 28. It's private.

[STATIC]

[DIAL TUNING]

Are you there?

Heard you on the police
scanner you gave me.

Mike gave me a magic kit, as well.

[CHUCKLES] I made
out like a bandit recently.

It's... It's nice to... to talk to you.

You sound good.

- You don't.
- Excuse me?

I mean you sound like you’re upset.
Are you upset?

It's Pastor Paul.

I think I'm gonna call it off.

H-He's so intense.

That's something you have in
common with the pastor.

You're a hurricane, Connie.
A tsunami of the senses.

Took me some time to get my sea legs.

Maybe that's what the pastor needs.

Don't count him out just yet.

♪♪

You are a good friend, Rudy.

I-I'm... I'm so sorry

that it's been awkward between us.

It's nice to talk to you.

Even better to listen to you.

[THERESA BLEATS, CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[LAUGHING]

- [LAUGHING CONTINUES]
- [CHUCKLING] What was that?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Hey!

Shall we dine Al fresco?

Uh, okay, I-I'm sorry. We need to talk.

Y... Sure.

- What's, uh... What's up?
- I ca...

I thought we were gonna have
kind of more of a casual thing,

but you're coming on so strong.

You're like a baby duck and
I'm the first thing you saw.

To be honest, um,

I feel way out of my comfort zone, too.

I don't understand.

If this was something you didn't want,

why are you doing it?

Because Brandon told me to.

- What?
- He told me to turn it up to eleven.

He told me the more public, the better.

O-Okay, I-I-I'm gonna give
a good talking-to to that boy,

and I'm not gonna use
church words, either.

Honey, I have an idea.

- Okay?
- [GROANS]

I think you need to relax.

I think the fish need to
feel that you're relaxed.

And I-I'm gonna help you
out with a little neck rub.

- [SCOFFS] Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- 'Cause I feel like, that, you know,

- they're gonna feel it through you.
- Okay.

- Ooh.
- But you're not

paying attention too much, right?

That's nice.

- You're just...
- Oh, that feels really nice.

[HUMMING]

♪♪

[HUMMING STOPS]

[SNORING SOFTLY]

♪♪

[SNIFFS]

[CHUCKLES]

Mnh-mnh.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[SIGHS]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Well, I think you've gained weight.

You told me it made me look juicy.

Damn it, it does, and I did.

Rio, we're trying to fight,
like you told us to,

but it's going terribly.

We're going after each other's looks,

but she's too damn beautiful and
I'm too damn juicy.

Are there other areas we
should be exploring?

Guys, I just don't have
time for whatever this is.

Hey, where are you going with my fish?

If you're trying to release
that back into the wild,

it's already dead!

Why did you invite them, anyway?

I didn't want to invite them.

I thought you wanted to invite them.

No, I said we could if
that's what you wanted.

Your tone is hard to read,
'cause it's always like...

[GROWLS] You know, angry on top of me.

Well, then I'm sorry if you
want to be around me at all!

Well, I like it because it’s kind
of like a weighted blanket.

I'm like, "Ooh, that feels good."

What, my anger feels like
a weighted blanket?!

Yeah, well, I'm angry,
too, so I feel like,

"Well, that's a good match.
We're feeding off each other."

- Oh, my God, it's happening.
- Oh, this is good.

- Keep... Keep doing it.
- Okay. Okay.

I mean, we always went alone.

Why would I want to bring
somebody new this time,

you big pink Shrek?

- Ya porcelain-skinned woman!
- Ohh...

- You're complimenting me now.
- Okay, I'll try again.

Your feet have always
been larger than I thought

they should be for your body.

Oh, you big, overgrown piglet!

Oh, you...

gorgeous, petite woman!

I'm not petite! I'm 5'8" 1/2!

Well, it's petite to me,
you gorgeous being!

[BOTH MOANING]

[SNIFFS]

This just feels so wrong.

Rio?

Oh... Mike!

Look! You caught a fish!

[LAUGHING] Look!

Is this crazy?!

A real live fish!

You did it! Whoo!

She's a bit... bit of a fighter.
[LAUGHS]

Yeah, she... boy, she is...
she is not liking this.

[CHUCKLES] I better put her in.

I'll let you reel her in, okay?

Oh, there she goes.

Whoo! She's cooled off.

I think it's gonna be
an easy... reel-in.

Did you see me...

Did you see me put it... on there?

- Uh-huh. I did.
- Okay.

- [SNIFFS]
- Yes.

Okay? I put one of Kay's
fish on your hook. I did.

You think I'm that bad of a fisherman?

Honestly, I have
very little understanding

why you did not catch a fish.

When I was out there, I was like,

"There are so many fish out here."

Like, "I do not understand.
And they are clearly hungry."

T-They're playing mind games with me.

It was stupid.
It was really stupid what I said.

- I'm sorry, I regret it.
- No, no, no.

And... and... and... and I...

And I don't mean it.

Well, honey, I... I think you mean it,

and I think you're...
you're right to mean that.

I mean, tha... I think it's the truth.

I think that you do, uh,
move on from things quickly.

And I don't actually think
that's necessarily bad.

I really believe that, like,

there are some people who
know a lot about one thing,

and you know, you know, a little bit

about a lot of different things.

You know what I'm saying?

It just makes you
a Renaissance man, frankly.

Mike, when it matters,
I know that you won't quit.

'Cause I know you'll
never give up on me.

Thank you, honey.

♪♪

- [SHOTGUN COCKS]
- Oh, God.

This is my boat.

- Hi.
- Knuckles!

- You took my boat.
- Good morning.

You are right. We took your boat

- without asking.
- We took it.

- That's not fair to you.
- Uh, but we've returned it,

and we are happy to pay a rental fee.

Oh, fine.

I'd like, uh, $1,000 Bitcoin.

- Bitcoin?
- Do you have any Bitcoin?

I don't think you carry Bitcoi... Um...

- Do a transfer?
- I suppose, like, a transfer

of some sort, but I don't even know...

Oh! I have an idea.

What if I were to offer
you an experience?

One that would blow your mind.

I don't know. Maybe.

This is just a normal scarf.

Or is it?

Because a normal scarf can't do...

this!

Oh, my God!

[CHUCKLING] Oh, my God!

Are you a magician?

- What?! [CHUCKLES]
- No, my friend.

- I am a Renaissance man.
- [REEL CLICKING]

You've got something on your line.

Wha... Oh!

- Honey! Honey! Honey, honey!
- What?!

- Honey! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
- You're...

- You... You did a fish!
- Oh, my gosh.

- That's okay. Be cool, be cool.
- I got a bite. I got a bite.

- Okay, I'm gonna bring it in.
- Okay, bring it in.

What the hell were you thinking?!

Not only did you
mess with my relationship,

but you tricked a man of God!

That's probably not a good
look for me in the long run.

At least the church doesn't
have a confessional.

It would've been real
awkward telling the pastor

what I did to the pastor.

You know, whoever I date,
that's my choice.

I guess I'm just having a harder time

with you and Rudy's
breakup than I thought.

You know, if you had a love life
of your own, maybe you would...

You wouldn't be so concerned with mine.

It's a small town, you know?

And everyone there is to find,
I've already found.

Sometimes twice.

[SIGHS] Have you ever
heard of the Internet?

- Yes.
- Well, get on an app,

get in your car, and go get it.

Because it's not going to come to you.

For the record, there are some apps now

where it does come to you.

That's for lazy boys.
I didn't raise you to be lazy.

Hey, we're back!

We're in here, no visitors, please!

- Okay, but...
- We caught a huge fish.

- Massive!
- Actually, Kay,

we used one of your dead fish

- as bait, as it turns out.
- Yeah, that's what...

- That's what it ended up being.
- But we gave it to Knuckles.

- Knuckles.
- So, there's an update...

- We had a fight, so...
- Yeah, we're...

You know, we're in
here doing it, so, um...

We went ahead and, uh, decided,

that we don't want you two around,

so we packed up your stuff,
and it's over there.

It's over there.
Your French press and your...

turmeric.

Pine tar soap, is that right?

- You, like, legitimately...
- Packed up. I don't think

since we bought it, was it that...

- ... packed. Um...
- Tight... packed.

- Okay. Alright. Well... Sorry.
- Alright. [CHUCKLES] I-I... You know...

We just wanted to tell you
about our crazy morning.

Sorry we stopped your sexual encounter.

Who said we ever stopped?

♪♪

- Okay, let's, um...
- I want to...

- I prefer to go, yeah.
- Let's get on the road.

Let's get on the road. Yeah.

What do you think?

- _
- I want to say this is overstepping,

- _
- but... I'm into it.

Hey, it's not blasphemous, though,

using a church sign
to help me hook up, is it?

Nah. My boss is pretty chill.

And hey, good luck out there.

Ah...

Thanks.

Thanks, Pastor.

Ah. [INHALES SHARPLY]