Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Pastor Paul - full transcript

Okay, so... at this point,

how would you rate your...

Your trust issues with men?

- Uh... severe?
- Severe.

That's a huge improvement.
Last week, it was crippling.

Yeah, in only three sessions.

And in three more,

I might stop sleeping
with a switchblade.

Which... Which is something
we should aspire to.

I think.

Wow. Dangerous.



Okay, and what about Rudy?

How would you describe
your relationship with Rudy

since the breakup?

I think we're in a good place.

Okay, that's great. Gosh.

- Look at you.
- It was a little awkward

when he checked me in for my
appointment today, but...

Yeah, I should have told you
that Rudy's working for me now.

Um, so, he's working for me now.

I started interning for Rio

to get some office
experience on my résumé.

Since Constance and I split up,

I decided to forgo romance,

become laser-focused on my career.



I'm here 'cause I've been having a
strong desire to drink gas.

- Mm.
- Which is a problem

for someone who works at a gas station.

If they didn't want us drinking it,

why'd they make it smell so good?

RIO: Thank you so much.
And why don't you just go ahead

and give Rudy your co-pay?

Are you in or out of network?

I say that having no
idea what those words mean.

Neither do I. [CHUCKLES]

So...

This is nice, you getting along so well.

Um, also, uh, can Theresa just go ahead

and stay in the barn?

I'm using her as a paper shredder.

Okay, we shouldn't be
shredding any documents

or anything like that.

Identity theft is quite real.

[METAL GROANING]

[CAR SQUEAKING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

- What is...
- [CAR HORN HONKS]

What the hell?

- Oh.
- RIO: Oh. Oh.

[GRUNTS]

I-I think we need a truck.

Why?

Hun, you got a bit of
a glow this morning.

You know what it is?
I just... It's just...

My therapy practice is thriving.

I... If I'm completely honest,

I just never really felt
a respect as a farmer.

- Hmm.
- But as a therapist, you know,

I really have a sense
of esteem and regard.

- You know?
- Esteem and regard.

That's not the feelings I have

when we pull into town in
this battery-powered car.

I'm feeling more shame,
a lot of demoralization.

You look around, it's just truck,
truck, truck, truck, truck.

- Right.
- You know, it's a truck town.

- Honey...
- And I was just thinking,

now that you're making a little
extra cheddar with the therapy,

maybe we upgrade.

I only have five clients,

and two of them are paying me with eggs.

- Mm. I see.
- You know what I mean?

So it's not like I'm like...
rolling in Skrill.

- KAY: Hey.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey. I know.
- It's a big turn-out. Everyone...

came out to meet the new pastor, huh?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- What happened to the last guy?

- Gal.
- Ah.

She's doing humanitarian
work in Haiti or something.

- That's great.
- Yeah, I did not care for her.

- No?
- Her chest was too big to be a pastor.

Double G's, if I'm not mistaken.

Very distracting.

Yeah, she made us pray
to heal her back problems.

Oh.

Well, we want to just
welcome you, Pastor.

It is just great having you here.

I-I just want to let you know,
like, I'm Jewish,

so I'm not gonna be,
like, attending services

or anything, so...

- Oh.
- But, uh, shalom.

I have great respect for
the Jewish faith.

You know, we just added another book.

Yes. So many wise words in those pages.

- What's your favorite passage?
- I haven't read... them,

per se, but, um... but it's...

I've heard it's such excellent stuff.

It is. It is.

You got the eyes of a wolf.

Okay. See, right there?

That's what we're talking about.
Let's not

assume the worst in people

and equate them to wolves, right?

[CHUCKLES] We're working
on my trust issues.

Rio is the town therapist.

Town therapist. Hmm.

I mean, I'm not... I'm not, like, in it

for the praise, but... Who said that?

You know, as a pastor, I sometimes feel

a little bit like a therapist myself.

Oh.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, feelings are important.

That's what I always say as like a...

as a real, actual therapist.

Shalom.

Uh...

p-praise Jesus. [CHUCKLES]

KAY: Mike, I'm happy
you're getting rid of

that little toy car.

You know we call it the Wang-mobile?

- [LAUGHS]
- I didn't know that.

- I did not know that.
- Yeah, we say, "Ah, hey,

- there's Mike in the Wang-mobile."
- Oh.

- And we'd just laugh.
- [LAUGHS]

Yet another reason I can't wait

to get myself into a truck.

See, finding a new
truck is like falling in love.

- I met my truck at a party.
- Oh.

Had a few drinks, woke up in her bed...

- and we've been together ever since.
- Hmm...

Well, hopefully, your next party,

you'll meet a woman.

- God, I hope so.
- Maybe end up in her bed.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Now, Mike, it's all about the
sound of the engine, okay?

You want a good roar.

- Okay.
- You know, when you hit the gas,

- you want it to loosen your teeth.
- Oh.

On my first truck, I lost three caps.

I think it's about the technology.

- Hmm.
- Processors, right?

Look, with a few mods,

I can basically turn it into a robot.

Oh, don't get a truck with a computer.

That's how the Russians
get your information.

They're going after cars now.

I saw it on a "20/20."

- That's true.
- Be... Be that as it may, guys,

I-I'm just looking for a
normal pick-up truck, right?

Now, this is not bad.
Look at this one here.

- That's gorgeous.
- She's...

- sexy as hell.
- Uh-huh.

You can tell she knows how to party.

Huh.

We got to get you on some
dating apps, Brandon.

- I don't like who I am, either.
- Just an idea.

Okay. Oh.

She's a beauty, ain't she?

- Oh, this is you?
- Yep.

- Oh.
- When I got her,

she was just a rusted-out shell.

But I saw who she really was

deep down in her engine block...

and she saw me. Yeah.

Just celebrated 10 years together.

- Wow.
- Congratulations.

- You're a lucky man. Congratulations.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Pastor, uh, do you think God wants me

to have a cool and powerful truck

for a reasonable price?

Well, he certainly doesn't
want you in that Wang-mobile.

[LAUGHS]

Well, everyone's getting in on it. Okay.

RIO: That was a really good session,
Beau, thank you.

Um, okay. So, Rudy,
let's go ahead and get Beau

on the book for next week.

I'm not available next week.

Okay. So, not next week,
but the week after.

- I'm not available the week after.
- Okay.

Um, I guess the week after that.

I feel like we should get
on the phone before that,

- just so we can... Just to keep up...
- Rio, I don't know how to say this,

but I don't want to see you

or speak to you on the phone ever again.

Oh.

What do... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

At least professionally.

I've started seeing Pastor Paul.

For counseling.

He's very good.

Most importantly, he's very free.

Oh. Okay.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Pastor Paul was right.

It wasn't that hard.

- Yeah.
- Just say it.

- It's good advice.
- Whew!

- Um...
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Wow.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[BELL JINGLES]

[SLURPS]

[SIGHS] Okay.

Oh!

Oh, my...

Wow.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoo!

What's under the hood here, huh?

Got all kinds of oomph.

Got some experience.

A little bit of rust.

That's okay. That's okay.

And... Ooh-Kay.

Well...

You know what?

No reason not to just call
and ask out of curiosity.

[CELLPHONE CLICKS, BEEPS]

[RINGING]

- MAN: Yeah?
- Hey.

Uh, I hate to be forward.

But I just met the truck

I want to spend the
rest of my life with.

Is that... Is that a weird thing to say?

New pastor's a real dynamo.

- [SIGHS]
- We've had a lot of cancellations.

Just look at these client numbers.

This is before Pastor Paul arrived.

This is after.

- Did you do this? This is...
- Yeah, I did.

I got on with the help desk, live-chat.

- Okay.
- It's a shame, too.

People were really starting to
give you the respect you deserve.

Even me.

Now it's all gone.

Okay.

I'm going to lunch.

Oh.

Um... okay.

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

Be nice to have some coworkers to
bitch about the boss to.

Thank you, Rudy.

RIO: Clara, I can't understand
you 'cause you're crying

and you're spitting a lot.

Well, good luck with the pastor.

O-Okay. Thank you.

- See you around town.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

- Oh.
- Oh, I got some big news.

Oh, so do I.

My entire therapy practice is ruined.

Every single client I have is gone.

Our disposable income... gone.

I-I feel like we have
to start selling things.

Sorry. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I feel like I just totally
steamrolled you.

- You had big news. What was it?
- It's okay. It's okay.

What did you just put in your pocket?

Cricket.

I, uh, I found a-a dead
cricket on the porch,

and I just thought I'd like to
give it a proper burial,

- say a couple words.
- That's, like, the sweetest thing.

Well, listen, that's not
what's important right now.

What happened with all your clients?

It was going so well.

It's the pastor.

Everybody wants to talk to that guy.

It's like he comes in here.

I don't know what kind
of training this guy has.

I can tell you what he doesn't have.

He doesn't have a master's
from The College of New Jersey.

- Yeah.
- I can tell you that much.

And I'm concerned. I'm concerned
about my former clients.

These are... These are
my friends, you know?

It's like, you can't pray your way

out of a baby powder addiction.

I'm sorry, someone has
a-a baby powder addiction? Who?

I wish I could tell you.
It's not who you think.

Okay, look, you've got some competition.

- Yeah.
- So, you got to get out there

- and you got to sell yourself.
- Mm-hmm.

You got a master's degree from
a reasonably good college,

and you've got a ton of
letters following your name.

- I worked hard for those letters.
- Yeah, you did.

So, my suggestion is a sign

that explains what those letters are.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then a second sign that says

"Hours of operation."

- Signage.
- Yeah. No, this is good.

This is good. You're right.

I have a-a-a-a return to make.

Uh, uh, I'm gonna
return that poor little cricket

- to Mother Earth.
- Okay.

- Yeah, I'm gonna be...
- Okay.

I'm gonna be rational,
I'm gonna be calm.

I'm gonna just deal with this

- as the professional that I am.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

- Test, test.
- Test, test, test.

- Test.
- Hot coffee. Hot coffee.

Yackity smackity. Yackity smackity.

Ping pong, ping pong.

I think this is a good plan.
When in doubt, go undercover.

George Washington said that.

I mean, I don't want to do this, okay?

But it's a public health concern.

An untrained therapist?

It's more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.

- George Washington said that, too.
- Did he?

Which George Washington
are you referring to?

Are there two George Washingtons

- in American history?
- All I know is my uncle,

George Washington Longfellow,

the area's first beat cop.

Which George Washington are
you thinking about?

I just, uh... That one.

- Okay.
- That was the one I was thinking of.

Rudy, thank you. This is wonderful.

Now all I have to do is
go talk to the pastor

and expose how ill equipped he is

to deal with mental health issues.

We can regain our titles

as town therapist and town
therapist's assistant.

I mean, I don't know
if that's a real thing,

but I do appreciate the support.

Yeah, and if this doesn't work,
we can play the kidnapping card.

I'll start looking for some rope.

Oh, no, no. I-I don't think
we should let it escalate to that point.

Let's just go ahead and start with this

- and see where it goes.
- Okay. Make me proud.

♪♪

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Don't look at me like that.

You know I don't have a choice.

Okay? Just bad timing.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

♪♪

I'm sorry, okay?

I lo... Mm.

We're not doing this.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- She's got to know.

[ENGINE REVS]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

- Whoo-hoo!
- [WHISTLES]

- Hoo-hoo! She's a pretty little hussy.
- [LAUGHS]

Well, she has a few
blemishes here and there,

but I was hoping you guys could
help me clean her up.

For your first truck,
you want an older one.

Sure, she'll never love
you the way you love her,

- but you'll be there when she dies.
- Mm.

God willing.

This could really be
a game-changer for you, Mike.

I mean, she could change
the way people see you.

- Rest in peace, Wang-man.
- Yeah.

Wang-man? Wait, is that...

- Is that what you guys call me?
- BOTH: Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Well, now I just have to convince Rio

to fall in love with her the way I have.

But I can't introduce her
to her looking like this.

- She'll flip out. I mean,
- I'm sorry.

- we got some rust.
- No, no, no, no.

Rio doesn't know about this, Mike?

No. I'm not helping you fix this.

I didn't know you were having an affair.

- An a... What?
- I'm not gonna break up

my best friend's marriage.

That's right. Rio's my best friend now.

Okay? I love her.

You guys are blowing
this way out of proportion.

- I've barely driven her.
- No.

But you've become emotionally involved,

and that's worse.

Way worse.

Okay. Well, hold on a second.

I can't bring this to the house!
She'll freak!

This never happened.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Come on in.
- Yes.

- Welcome.
- Oh. I'm... Let's...

'Kay. [LAUGHS]

- Have a seat.
- Yeah. Alright.

Attempt at unprofessional
physical contact

10 seconds into the meeting.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- So, what brings you by?

Uh, you know...

just wanted to, you know,

talk through some thoughts, I guess.

- Sure.
- So, um...

yeah, I was just noticing
that you don't have,

uh, a lot of...

you don't have any degrees on your wall.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Do... You didn't go to college?

Oh, I went to college, yeah.

- Where'd you go?
- [CHUCKLES] Harvard.

- Like real... real Harvard, or...
- Yeah.

Okay.

Note... Uh, narcissistic tendencies.

Are you talking to your jacket?

W... In what sense?

It looked like you
were talking to your jacket.

I'm talking to my jacket, yes.

- Okay.
- That is something I-I...

One of the things that I
wanted to talk to you about

is that I hear... voices in my head,

and then... the way that I respond is

I... I talk to my jacket.

That's a new one for me.

- Oof. Guess I stumped ya.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, could be schizophrenia.

- Are you diagnosing me?
- No, no, no, no.

No, I would never.
I'm not qualified to diagnose you.

But I could put you in
touch with someone who is.

And meanwhile, Rio, I'll pray for you,

and, um, I will be here to support you

in any way I can.

You're gonna get through this.

That's the annoyingly
perfect thing to say.

I'm sorry, am I missing something here?

Um...

No. I-I-I'm...

No. You're not... Yes. Yes, you are.

I was... I was just...
I was testing you.

Sorry. I-I just...

It's just that all of
my clients have fired me,

uh, 'cause they're now talking to you,

and I just wanted to make sure

that they were in good hands, I think.

I'm... I'm... I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't realize that was happening.

It was not at all my intention.

No, that... that sounds very difficult.

It is difficult. It's difficult.
Thank you.

You know, it's just like,
I feel like I finally got

some respect in the town, and...

and, you know, now you're here

and I'm... I'm all of
a sudden Rio Dangerfield.

I don't get that reference, but...

Like Rodney Dangerfield. You know...

[AS RODNEY DANGERFIELD]
"I get no respect."

Still not ringing any bells.

"I get no respect."

- [NORMAL VOICE] You see "Caddyshack"?
- A long time ago.

He's the guy who farts.

♪♪

- Mike. [GASPS]
- [GASPS]

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing...

- What... What are you doing here?
- No, no. What? What? What's...

My own husband?

Seeing the pastor?

Is this about us? Oh, my God.

I thought we were so good.

- We're...
- No, no, no. We're great. We're great.

Is this because I laughed

when you walked in
with the pony costume?

I-I mean, that hurt,
but no. That's not...

Honey, I will go
and saddle up right now.

- Like, I-I'm down.
- No. No.

No, I'm off of that whole thing.

- Are you sure? That...
- That... Yes.

- That's not it.
- Is this about the STD?

Look, you know what? Nobody knows

who brought that into this relationship.

I think we need to just
accept it and move on.

- Okay.
- That's a very deep cut

to think that's what I'm currently...

- Well, I'm just trying to understand...
- Why do you have a wire hanging out?

I-I was... I was trying to expose him.

- Oh, my goodness.
- I was try... I was...

Look, I'm wired and everything.

I thought we agreed on signage.

I know, but then I...

Don't change the subject.

Don't change... I need to understand
why you're here right now.

Uh, I need to know.

I fell in love.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. Not... Not...
Not with a human.

- W-With a truck. With a truck.
- [PANTING]

I was walking out of Connie's,
I spilled my coffee...

- Okay...
- I kind of just locked eyes

with this beautiful...
I want you to see her.

- The truck?
- I-I shouldn't have done it,

and I betrayed you

and I went behind your back
and I bought this truck...

And then I tried to come clean,

- but y-your whole business...
- MAN: [CLEARS THROAT]

[ALL CHUCKLING]

- Oh.
- Hi.

You're all... Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT] Did you hear all that?

Yes, you guys have an STD together.

It's actually pretty romantic.

Pretty much everyone has one.

- It's HPV.
- Yeah.

In fact, I see it as a trophy
of a life well lived.

Thank you, and you should be so lucky.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Turn over, come on.

Aah! Crap!

Honey, I-I'm sorry.

I should've... I should've talked
to you before I bought this.

I was... I was just so afraid

someone was gonna snatch her up.

- Really?
- Well, look at her.

- Honey. I'm not, like, a motor head,
- Yeah.

But I think this might be,
like, a piece of crap.

- Honey, don't say that in front of her.
- I'm not...

- I don't know anything.
- Listen, I have a vision for it.

You know what? Just
Give it one more try.

Alright, a-a-are you
turning it all the way?

I... Let me try again.

- You got to go all the way.
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Oh, Rudy, I'm just so sorry I don't have

enough work for you to
justify your position.

- We... We had a good run, didn't we?
- Yeah, we did.

Who knows? Maybe
you'll work for me one day.

- Yeah. Look at that.
- I'm just trying to be nice.

Of course, I could never hire you.
Not with this track record.

- Okay. I get it.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hey.
- RIO: P-Pastor Paul.

Hi. [CHUCKLING] What
are you doing here?

You take walk-ins?

J... You want to see me?

You're the town therapist, right?

Thanks. Um...

Yeah, I...

I have a problem.

It's with Connie.

Can I... Sorry.
Let me just stop you for a beat.

'Cause I just want to say
that her calling you a wolf...

I think I'm in love with her.

Oh. Wow.

Have you shared these feelings with her?

- Not per se.
- Okay.

We have had sex numerous times already.

- Um...
- Wow.

So...

When did you get...
You got here Friday, right?

- Was it Friday? Yeah.
- Yeah.

I guess I haven't slept a ton.

- Hey.
- She's a very passionate woman.

- Good for you.
- She told me that...

[SIGHS] I was just a rebound fling.

- Okay.
- I want something more real.

I don't know. I-I guess maybe
I should just end it?

Listen, you and I both know,

you know, Connie, she's not...

She's not, like, easy to quit, right?

You're both in different places.

You're still exploring something,

and you're kind of just seeing
where your bodies take you.

I'm pretty sure I know where
my body would take me.

- To... her... body. Yeah.
- To her body.

Don't worry, everyone.

They're gonna be here in a
minute for the big reveal.

Rio, it's so nice that Brandon and...

And Kay and Pastor Paul...

- ... helped him fix up that truck.
- Yeah...

Yeah, that's so great, right?

Pastor Paul is very generous.

- Yeah, he is.
- You know I'm hitting that, right?

- Yeah, no, I know. I know.
- Mm.

How's that doing with your trust issues?

Well, I do trust that
I want him on top of me.

- Oh. Okay. So, it's going well.
- Uh-huh. Yeah. So...

- Where's pony boy?
- Hi.

Oh. Yes.

It's cool you guys are so
adventurous in the bedroom.

Oh. That's so personal.
[CHUCKLES]

I'm actually glad you
guys said all that stuff.

Um... I feel I can trust you.

Can I make an appointment with you?

Yes. I would love that, Ray.

I'd like to get back on the books, too.

Oh, Frank. This is great.

Yes, of course.

Hearing you accidentally share
all those humiliating things

made me think you're the kind of person

I can share my darkest stuff with.

Oh. The gas guzzling wasn't
the darkest thing, or...?

- Tip of the iceberg.
- Really?

And there's some things
you just can't tell a pastor.

No, I totally get that.

I was 18 years old

- the day I learned that my real dad...
- Let's, um...

... was the baritone
from the Oak Ridge Boys.

Let's wait maybe 'til we're in private.

- [CAR HORN HONKS]
- You know?

- ["RAMBLIN' GAMBLIN' MAN" PLAYS]
- MIKE: Oh, perfect.

Oh, boy.

- ♪ Ramblin' man ♪
- Whoo!

♪ Gamble ♪

♪ Gamblin' man ♪

Hon, what do you think?

Oh, my God.

- This seems to be a truck.
- BRANDON: Mike, Mike.

- Hit the button. Make it do the thing.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, hon.

MAN: Hello, Rio.

- [LAUGHING] Oh.
- Wait, what?

Is it... talking?

- Talk. Talk.
- I'm not gonna talk.

- It's in the truck.
- No, you gotta talk to the truck.

- You gotta talk to the truck.
- You gotta talk to the truck.

- What?
- Talk to the truck!

- We worked hard on it.
- Be reasonable!

Okay. H-Hello, truck.

Beware the Russians.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh!

U.S.A.

- It's great. It's good advice.
- See?

- Worrying. But...
- So, uh...

Oh, you're doing your...
Like a truck face?

You wanna go for a ride?

- Yes!
- Yes!

MIKE: Let's see what she can do.

Oh, boy, honey. Oh, wow.

- MIKE: Whoo!
- Mike!

Oh. Sweetie.

Don't worry, hon. We're totally safe.

Oh. Darling.

- Mike!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoa. But I gotta hold on, you know?

- Okay.
- Time to give it some juice!

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Are we not already giving it juice?

- Oh, God. Honey.
- Whoo-hoooo!

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

- [SOBBING] I want to leave.
- Whoo!

I don't wanna die!

Oh, honey!

- Whoo! Ohh, God!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!