Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Völsung and the Beef Boy - full transcript

I thought we came over to
watch Jacob judge raw meat.

Oh, we are.
Unless you think you could do it, Mike.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.

Jakey, go fetch that mystery muscle.

- RIO: Mystery muscle. Okay.
- You're about to join

the man's world of 4-H meat judging.

- Oh!
- Let's get meaty with it.

- Okay.
- Oh, Kay.

Can you, um, drive me
to the dump tomorrow?

Well, why don't you
stop being a feminist fraud

and learn how to drive yourself?



Uh, okay, no, thank you.

Well, I told you I would teach you.
I can do it tomorrow.

I mean, who better to teach
you than your best friend?

- MIKE: Oh.
- Did you say...

Did you just say "best friend"?

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Well, I guess that just slipped
right out of my mouth.

It's just 'cause I had...
I had said it before,

and you hadn't reciprocated,
so I didn't...

I just had to make sure
it was for real, Rio.

- It's for real.
- Okay, it's for real?

- Alrighty.
- Oh!

- [WHISTLES] Boom!
- That's a lot of...

- Here we go. Here we go.
- Beef invasion!



Is he gonna... Is he gonna
eat all this raw meat

- just right now in front of us?
- Oh, I hope so.

- I could watch that all day.
- Okay, now, Jakey,

uh, I want you to take a gander

and name that meat, Beef Boy.

- Oh, boy. Here we go.
- RIO: Here we go.

Loin eye's half a grade
higher than this guy.

Two choice T-bones,

two choice top sirloins.

Ugh, this is, like,
steak house chain quality.

That's gross, Dad.

KAY: [LAUGHS] Did you try to set me up?

- RIO: I don't get it. Do you get it?
- Mike, envelope, please?

Oh. Okay, let's see
how you did, Beef Boy.

- RIO: Here we go.
- Okay.

- [MUTTERING]
- KAY: I bet he got them all.

Yeah, you got it completely right!

- Of course he did.
- Wow! That's impressive!

Well, the boy's been touched
by the almighty beef angel.

- That's something.
- And come Saturday, if Jacob wins,

he gon' get one of these bad boys.

- Oh, wow. Look at that.
- KAY: Check that out.

That is... What is that, a ribeye?

- RIO: Yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]

Uh, it's a T-bone.

Did you just say "ribeye," you bonehead?

[LAUGHTER] You idiot.

This is a very niche
humor you guys have.

Yeah.

Oh, hey!

- Mr. Meat, how you doing?
- Oh.

Mr. Meat's my dad.
You can just call me "Beef Boy."

Last night when I got home,

I went down a Wikipedia
wormhole about meat judging.

You got a real talent!

Oh! You know what?

Do my meat.

You know,
I don't... I don't really want to.

Uh, you... you can just read
the grade on the package.

Oh, sure, sure. Tricks of the trade.

Hey, do you mind if we,
uh, talk outside?

Oh, boy. Uh...

Okay, this is kind
of hard for me to say.

Do we have this kind of relationship?

- So, Michael...
- That's formal.

I know that I'm the
voice of my generation,

you know, when it comes
to meat judging, but...

... I really... I really hate doing it.

You know, it's not my dream.
It's my dad's dream.

To be honest,
this does remind me of something

I went through when I was your age.

In high school, man,

all I wanted to do was
play with my band, Volsung.

As in Volsung,
the son of the Norse God Rerir.

Rerir, right. Right, yeah.

He was killed by the
Geatish King Siggeir.

Jacob.

I... That's crazy you know that.

That's crazy that
people don't know that.

- I agree!
- Wait, I didn't know

- that you played music.
- Yeah, yeah.

- You know, I play guitar.
- Oh!

But I... I've never had a band, but...

- Oh, yeah. Boy, I was so into it.
- Yeah.

Even built a website.
I mean, we rehearsed all the time.

We got pretty darn good.

- Oh, come on. Don't downplay it.
- Yeah.

I'm sure your music was like
a buzzsaw to the crotch.

- Well, thank you.
- [IMITATES SAW]

Right.

But the thing is, my...
my guidance counselor, Mr. Liptak,

he... he noticed that the
band was tanking my grades,

so I quit, and without him,

I would've never gone to college,
never become a music journalist.

But then you got laid off
and had to become a farmer.

You know, it kind of sounds like
Mr. Liptak ruined your life.

Like a... Like a weird old wiener boy.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure you're listening anymore,

'cause it sounds like you're
taking all the wrong stuff

- away from this conversation.
- Totally, totally.

KAY: No biggie.
Just teaching my best friend to drive.

[LAUGHING] Ooh, this is a big car.

Alright.

Oh!

You knew to buckle up,
so you're already an A-plus student.

Hey, thank you. Thank you
for the positive reinforcement.

Oh, I'm all about
positive reinforcement.

- Okay, good.
- Now, lesson one...

listen to me, or
you're gonna crash this car!

- Oka...
- Your lungs will be pierced,

and you'll be breathing on a machine.

- Is that what you want?
- No.

Is that what you want?
'Cause when you're a vegetable,

I can guarantee Mike's not gonna

leave you plugged in for very long.

- Oh.
- [TRILLS]

"Steel Magnolias," okay?

"Got to cut her loose

so I can move on to another,
more beautiful woman."

Okay, now, keys are,
uh, in the ignition.

- I-I...
- So, we just hit the road.

Sorry, Kay, I just... I'm sort of...

[SIGHS] reeling from how
intense and off-topic that was.

Well, driving a two-ton
vehicle is intense, Rio!

Now grab that gearshift
like it's your lover's rod

and put 'er in drive!

- Go, go, go!
- Okay, okay.

- [TURN SIGNAL CLICKING]
- Is this... Is this right?

Is that right? I don't
know. Is that right?

I don't know. I...
I don't know how to drive...

Get out of the car!

- [SERENE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Mnh.

Having a little midday spa session?

That means you either just
talked to your mom on the phone

- Yeah.
- Or you had a bad day?

The driving lesson

was the most stressful
situation of my life,

and I have been stuck on a subway car

with a flock of birds.

She might be the worst teacher
in the history of teachers.

She was less like a teacher and
more like my aunt when she drank.

I mean, she just, like, yelled a lot.

Made me feel scared.

Well, you guys are best friends now.

How are you gonna navigate this one?

Oh, um, secretly learn to
drive from someone else

so that when I have a lesson with Kay,

she doesn't have to yell at me.

Right, yep, the obvious solution.

I think the obvious is best.

What's the deal with that?

Oh, I dug out my old guitar.

You want to hear some of
my old band's classics?

Did Volsung have classics?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, you don't know?

You're the one spinning fairy tales,

putting Cheez Whiz
all up in my boy's ear.

Remember? When you
told me about your band?

And how you regret every day

that you didn't follow your dreams?

I don't think I said exactly that.

It was... It was a broader,
more nuanced mes...

Well, whatever you said, okay,
he refuses to judge meat.

He'll be the first Bowman boy
in the history of our family

not to be a champion.

I'm not a Beef Boy anymore.

Dad...

Michael and I are starting a band.

You can't talk us out of it,
so don't even try.

I co... I could be talked out of it.

Jacob, where are you going?
This is my house!

Hope the foundation's solid,
'cause it's getting rocked!

If that boy was a cut of meat,
he'd be a porterhouse steak.

I just don't know enough about meat

to really get the full impact
of what you're trying to say.

Jacob is a golden god that
smells like snow cones,

and I'll do anything for him.

His future is meat.

I mean, are you...
Are you sure about that?

Have you talked to him?

There's nothing to talk about.

Okay.

Well, if you do decide
to talk to your son,

you might want to think about
the best way to communicate.

Fix it, Mike!!

There's nothing wrong with
the way I communicate!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, bud, we...
we... we need to talk.

I know. I'm sorry.

I wanted to ask you about the
band before I told my dad,

but, you know, stuff
just doesn't always work out

the way that you want, right?

- Yeah.
- It's a song that I'm writing.

♪ Stuff doesn't always work out ♪

♪ Do you ever get so sad ♪

♪ That you tried to eat grass? ♪

♪ Don't eat the grass ♪

♪ Don't eat the grass ♪

♪ Stuff doesn't always work out ♪

- And then it...
- Yeah. Um...

You know, I think music
might be a hobby for you.

But the... But the meat judging...

[CHORD PLAYS LOUDLY]

I got no passion for meat, Mike.

Look, uh, Jacob, I... I...

I can't join your band.

Okay.

But will you join...

your band?

[LAUGHING] Oh!

- Oh, wow. The Volsung logo.
- Yeah.

Wow. You made a shirt for
my high school band.

Yes, I did.
Man, I love this freaky raven,

- This bigass tree...
- Yggdrasil.

Yeah. The tree that
connects the Nine Worlds.

We added a tenth world...

America.

See that? [LAUGHS]

That's so genius.

- Where did you find this?
- Oh.

- Your band's old GeoCities website.
- Oh!

"Volsung's mission is
to mix Norse mythology

with hard-hitting rock that has..."

- "... a beat you can dance to."
- "... a beat you can dance to."

- Exactly.
- Look at that.

We're announcing "Neon Girl."

That was gonna be our breakout single.

Can we play it?

Um...

[SIGHS]

No. No. No.

You... You gotta study meat,

and you gotta do what your dad wants.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Whatever you say, Mr. Liptak.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ The chariot awaits ♪

♪ We ride the winds to war ♪

♪ Our enemies abate ♪

♪ When they hear our mighty roar ♪

Oh, man, did you see
my "Sex-God face" there?

- I saw something going on facially.
- Yeah.

But I thought you were just
angling for a bathroom break.

No, no, no, every good
frontman has a "Sex-God face."

- This is mine right here.
- Let me see.

- [GRUNTS]
- A lot of teeth.

What do you think?
Did it work? You turned on?

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna say
"Yeah" and just move on.

God, did that feel good!

I feel like I had a... IV of pure
rock 'n' roll running through me.

Yeah, hey, uh, maybe we should invite

some people over to hear us play.

No, no, man,
that would be too distracting.

Listen, Volsung has always
been about the music,

plain and simple.

You had to have played
some shows, though.

No, man, we... We never played a show.

- What?!
- Yeah. Yeah.

Which sucks, 'cause I had the best plan.

My high school was having
this anti-drug rally,

and we all were all set
to just storm that stage,

hijack it, and cut loose.

Oh, my God, that's so Volsung!

- [LAUGHS]
- I know, but my...

My drummer, Tyler,
he cut his lip on his braces.

- Was a no-show.
- I wanna kick Tyler's ass so bad.

And I think you'd have to
go down to Africa, though.

He's building schools or
hospitals or something.

Oh, I wish we could've done that show!

We were gonna kick things
off with "Raven's Wolf."

- Yeah.
- Then lead right into "Wolf's Raven."

Well, can we play it?

- No, man.
- What?

- But we can shred it.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES]

En, to...

en, to, tre, fire!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

RIO: Thank you so much, Rudy.

It's just, you know,
learning to drive from Kay

was putting too much
pressure on our relationship,

- and I...
- Shh.

Makes me jealous when I hear
about your friendship with Kay.

Rudy. [SCOFFS]

I feel jealous that you, you know,

you're a natural blond.

- Oh.
- Keys?

Oh.

My truck's a little finicky,

so just pop 'er in there and
jostle it around a little bit.

- Clockwise.
- Okay.

Also, drive is reverse, reverse
is neutral, and neutral is drive,

so just pop 'er into neutral,
which, again, is drive,

and hit the gas, which is the brake.

Also, whatever you do,
don't touch the cassette player,

'cause it deploys the airbags.

Clara, thank you so much

- for this lesson.
- Of course.

Would it be okay if we
just moved these guys

in the back?

They're all girls.

Oh.

Ah...

That's Reese Wither-Cat,
and you need to look out.

She tells Big Little Meows.

[LAUGHS]

[MEOWING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHING]

CONSTANCE: I'm proud of you, Rio.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- You came to the right person.

I think so, yeah.

- This feels right. This feels right.
- Alright.

- Okay. Yes, let's begin.
- Mm-hmm.

Connie? What are you...
What are you doing?

Well, this is how I taught Brandon.

You know, driving's about trust.

And I trust you.

Now, whether we live or die,
it's up to you, alright?

So, good night.

Oh, wow. That is... so scary.

- Rio, just relax.
- Yeah.

Don't wake me.

Okay, don't wake you.

- Okay. I'm gonna just... Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Oh, going fast! It's going fast!

Slow down! Slow down!

- [CRASH]
- Ohhh!

Damn, did you just run
into Kay with my car?

Oh, man. She doesn't know I'm here.

- She's gonna be so mad.
- Ohhh...

Rio! Why are you driving?

Wait, is Connie giving
you a lesson instead of me?

[STAMMERS, SIGHS]

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

It's just that, you know,
it was so scary with you,

and, you know, you yelled a lot.

But basically, I did have to go learn

from Rudy and Clara...

Oh, so you're learning
from everybody in the town

and I'm just mean
Kay with her mean yells

coming out of her mean
mouth all mean day long?

No. No. No. I was...

- Kay.
- No.

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, wow. She is...

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh! So strong.

Kay, listen to me.

Those other lessons, they did
not mean anything to me. Kay?

- [TRUCK DOOR SLAMS]
- Kay!

Kay, are you okay?

She took driving
lessons behind your back

and then she crashed into our truck?

- Yep. You got it.
- [CHUCKLES]

I don't get it.

Why aren't you yelling and screaming?

I don't know. That's the weirdest part.

I'm not that mad at her.

My heart's just not in it this time.

Wow.

You two must really be best friends,

because when Clay Aiken lost,
you set our TV on fire.

Well, he's got the voice of an angel!

I just want to grab Rio
by the shoulders and...

bring her in for a hug.

Dang it! My anger's not there.

Well, I got enough for both of us.

I'll tell you what,
I want to see that metal T-bone

holding up Jacob's
pants more than anything.

Beau, do you think maybe sometimes

we both get a little too angry?

No!

Maybe!

Possible.

Why don't you just try
and find a different way

to get through to Jacob?

- You are wise...
- [CHUCKLES]

... and beautiful...

[VOICE BREAKING] and I am
so happy you took me back.

Well, with an ass like that,
did I have a choice?

- [SMACK]
- What are you starting?

♪ The battle never ending ♪

♪ By 'morrow, take the cave ♪

Owww!

Whoo! Man!

Whoo! Whoo!

Alright, Dad. Go ahead, yell at me.

Mm. That was catchy.

S... I love it.

You... You do?

Oh, so good.

I don't want you to ever
quit playing in this band.

Maybe you can do both.

You know, come to
the meat-judging competition.

If that's chill with you.

The whole county'll be there.

Okay. I'll do it.

What? We should talk about this.

No, no, my... my dad knows what's best.

Wow.

I've always been a
scream-first kind of guy.

This makes me rethink a
lot of things I've done.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERING] I'm not judging meat.

I'm playing rock 'n' roll.

Tomorrow, the whole town
is gonna be there,

and we are gonna ambush the stage!

Oh, you fooled me, man!

I can't keep up with you.

You're like Odin's eight-legged horse.

Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop!

_

MIKE: Oh, man. This is so badass.

Like when Rage Against the Machine

played in front of the
New York Stock Exchange.

Shut it down.

Man, you sound so old when
you talk about ancient bands,

but... I'm amped.

[LAUGHS]

I got the chills.

Well, they do turn it down to
60 because of the meat.

- Yeah.
- Okay, when I get on stage,

I'm gonna give 'em a little taste
of actual judging,

and then I'm gonna say "rancid meat."

Right, and that's my cue
to get out my axe

- and unleash the raven. [CAWS]
- Yes.

And then I'm gonna scream "Volsung!"

And we're gonna melt
this crowd's face off.

It's just gonna be a...
a river of face skin.

Oh, man, I wish Mr. Liptak
was here to see this.

Though, I understand he's
got pretty advanced glaucoma,

so he'd probably miss it.

Oh, hey, you got your Viking gear on?

Oh, my God.

Oh!

- Yeah, chain mail.
- So authentic.

Hey, did you want to try

that little side-braid
that we were working on?

- I know it was too tight last night.
- Good to see you.

- But I'll be really gentle.
- No, I'm o... I'm open... Deuuuuuuh.

How's my Beef Boy?

[CHUCKLING] Hey.

I'm gonna get a spot in front
of all the losers' parents.

Let's just hope there's
no... rancid meat.

[LAUGHS]

What could be worse
than rancid meat, you know?

At a meat-judging contest?

- [STIFLED LAUGHING]
- Rancid.

[LAUGHS]

[STAMMERS] Chaos would break out.

- It's supposed to be fresh.
- Shut up!

[SIGHING] Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- You have every right to be mad.
- I'm so mad.

So, if I could just have an
opportunity to explain myself

- before you say anything.
- Mmhmm.

I just want you to know
that ever since moving here,

my favorite part of it is
becoming friends with you.

Okay, and so the idea of losing you,

I just started to get
in my head about that,

and... and I started getting
in my head about, you know,

getting in my head about things,

and then I'm overthinking about my head,

and I'm like, "Well,
if I just thought about it..."

I'm sorry. Can you just shut
your mouth for one minute?

I've never seen a
one-woman show in my life,

and I'm not about to start right now.

- Okay.
- Okay. Oh!

Are you okay?

- Oh, God!
- What's wrong?

- [GROANS]
- Kay, please talk to me.

- I think I'm having a heart attack.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

It's the same age as my daddy's first.

You got to get me to the hospital.

Well, I can't drive, honey. I can't...

You have to drive! Do you hear me?!

My chest is tighter than
Manny Pacquiao's ass!

- Okay.
- Aah!

Oh, God, no. Kay?

[ENGINE REVVING UNEVENLY]

Rio, stop slamming on the brakes,
or we're both gonna die!

- How you doing? Kay?
- No, no, no.

- Kay, how you doing?
- Steady. Keep it...

Well, I'm not doing good. I'm doing bad.

- I'm having a heart attack.
- Okay, please...

Okay, take your time.
Slow down a little bit, okay?

- Easy, easy.
- I'm easy. I'm easy.

Put on your blinker, make a right here.

Blinker, blinker. Taking a right.

Careful on the turn.

- Okay. Oh, my God.
- Okay, and just pull right over here.

- You want me to stop?
- Stop the car.

- Stop the car, Rio!
- Oh, my God.

- Are you gonna stop to die?!
- Stop the car!

- [WHIMPERING]
- Are you okay?

Kay.

I didn't have a heart attack. [LAUGHS]

What?!

Everyone in my family lives
to be at least 100 years old.

Three of us have been
on that Smucker's thing

on the "Today" show.

What is happening right now?!

You just learned how to drive.

I had to get your head out of your butt

so that you could
start to trust your gut.

Who's a bad teacher now? Hmm?

Oh, my God.

I did do... I drove.

Yeah, you drove.

- [SCREAMS]
- [LAUGHS]

- [CHEERING]
- [HORN HONKS]

[LAUGHS] Whoo!

[LAUGHING] You're crazy!

You are really...

- I am crazy. I am crazy.
- You are much crazier

than anyone that, uh,
I've ever met in Manhattan.

[CHUCKLES]

You really thought I was dying.

- Yes!
- [LAUGHS]

And now our final senior, Jacob Bowman.

That's my Beef Boy! Jacob!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Sorry I was late. I was just...

I was obeying speed laws

because I... I know how to drive.

- That's why I was late, so...
- JACOB: I, uh...

I... I placed these
sirloin steaks in order

two, one, four, three.

I placed meat two over meat one

because two showed evidence
of less internal fat,

w-which makes it...

- You're doing fine, son.
- You got this, Jacob!

- It's okay.
- MAN: Come on, Big Jake!

You got it!

Make... Make some noise! Come on!

[CHANTING] Jacob! Jacob!

- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

- Yes! Yes!
- Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

It makes it inferior
based on its trimness!

Though one displayed a more
uniform color and was firmer,

two displayed much less... bone.

[CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE]

- Okay.
- I chose four over three

because four had greater muscling

and was a trimmer,
higher quality sirloin!

Thank you, Bucksnort!

[HIGH-PITCHED] Good night!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's correct! A perfect score!

Hey, hey, everybody,
party at my old man's place later!

That's my son!

Our son. He came out of me.

[LAUGHING] We're not having a party.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

- Oh.
- Congratulations, guys.

Your, uh, your kid's a star.

Thanks.

Why are you dressed like a moron?

Well, I guess I didn't
know the vibe of this thing.

I... O... kay.

Whoo! Champion. Wow!

Thank... Thank you.

Um...

Mike, I'm... I'm sorry that
I never said "rancid meat."

I just... I think that
my biggest passion

isn't music or meat.

It's people cheering for me.

But, um....

I let you down, and that...
That was a real Tyler move.

No, no. Mnh-mnh.

You were a Viking. Okay?

You pillaged our moment.

You took what you wanted,
and you used it to rock out hard.

Now, that's Volsung as hell.

[CHUCKLES] Wow.

So... So not playing with
Volsung was actually...

The most Volsung
thing you could've done.

[CHUCKLES]

I have nothing more to teach you.

Cool.

Um...

I'm gonna bounce.

Some of the kids wanted
me to autograph their meat

and take some selfies, so...

- You know the drill.
- Yeah.

- I'm not sure that I do know the drill.
- I don't think so.

Were you gonna...

Were you gonna play
a Volsung concert here?

Yeah, we were gonna storm
the stage, and, you know...

Ohh.

Are you upset? I feel
like you're bummed.

- Are you bummed?
- No. No, no, no. No.

Look, I get it...
You don't get to live out

every dream you've ever had.

You got to get on
that stage right now, Mike.

No, no, that...
[SCOFFS] That was a dumb idea.

- No, no.
- No, that was a dumb idea.

Any dream that's worth
pursuing is not dumb,

even if it started in high school.

You know, it's like my driving, right?

Guess what. I drove here.

- What?!
- In a car.

- You drove here?
- I did it.

- Oh, my gosh! Yeah?
- [LAUGHING] Yes!

The most Volsung thing
you could do right now

is get on that stage and play!

Oh, man.

You are a stone-cold Hljod.

- Hljod?
- Giantess.

- Giantess?
- That's Volsung's wife.

- Oh, good.
- They had ten sons together.

Oh, wow. That's good for her.

And him. I'm sure they co-parent.

You gonna play?

Yeah.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

That's my husband!

Whoo!