Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - After-Prom - full transcript

Okay, zip ties?

- Duct tape?
- Yep.

- Mace? 23 frozen pizzas?
- Yes.

- Bibles?
- Okay.

I'm sorry. Are you
guys forming a militia?

Oh, no, no.
I'm... I'm chaperoning after-prom.

I've enlisted Mike and Rio to help me.

I got to be honest.
I'm, like, super excited about it

because I missed out on my own prom.

So I'm just thinking about
the sequins and the tiaras

and the pig's blood.



You know, like, just like
in the movies, you know?

Yeah, but, sweetie, we're...
we're chaperoning the after-prom.

That's where they lure all the teens

to the community center after the dance.

- Okay.
- Then they lock them in there

till dawn, like felons.

Yeah, yeah, we keep them
busy so they don't smoke, drink,

or tickle each other's pickles.

- Hmm.
- Okay. Are...

Girls have pickles, too.

I remember Brandon's after-prom.

There were two pregnancies that year.

Luckily, my date
kept her hands to herself.

She's married to a woman now.



- Oh, good for her.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm single and
I live with my mother.

You know what?

Let's get 10 more of these pizzas,

'cause if Jacob's at the snack table,

then that'll keep him away
from that trash bag Janine.

Let's not call Janine a trash bag.

I mean, women shouldn't speak
that way about other women.

We could say, like, uh...

uh..."waste basket"?

- Right? Waste bas...
- That's nice.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I just got a letter from UNL!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Open the envelope, damn it!

- No, let me open it.
- Okay.

- Oh, no, no. You open it.
- Okay.

- You open it.
- Let's not get our hopes up.

That's a pretty tiny envelope.

Go, Big Red. Go, Big Red.

"Dear Jacob"... That's me.

"Thank you for your application

to University of Nebraska."

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah...

I'm gonna be a Husker!

What?!

That's great!

I would have not bet on that!

Oh, my goodness.

Beau!

This...

A-Are you okay, man?

I'm so happy.

It's just that...

Oh, my God,
my baby's going to college!

The doctors were wrong
about you! I knew it!

Well, I don't think Beau's taking

Jacob going to college very well.

That was a lot of grunting.

Did you talk to him at all?

No, honey, uh, you know,
guys like Beau...

The only way they can share
their feelings with other men

is if they are either completely drunk

or about to die.

That sounds healthy.

- You know... gives me an idea.
- What?

I know that after-prom is supposed to be

a really sober event,

but maybe I sneak in a little flask.

I think that is a good idea
in some ways,

but that's only if you're,
like, super jazzed

for Kay to just murder you.

I just feel like it's
my duty as his friend

to get him as drunk as possible
so he can feel some feelings.

Take our friendship to the next level.

I just feel like if this
moment slips away,

then I'm gonna have to wait
till he has a heart attack

or a stroke or something,
maybe kidney failure.

- Okay.
- Stay.

Okay.

Oh, that's funny.

- Are you wearing that?
- What?

These? These are wacky, right?

No, no, the... the tiara.

Oh, the ti... Oh. Hmm. I... Well...

You know, I just want it so bad.

- Sure.
- I just... I'll wear it here

for a little bit, maybe like
20 minutes, and I'll just sort of...

Pop it off in the car, maybe.

- Take it in.
- Okay.

As you can see from my résumé,

I typed up a résumé.

I'm impressed.

But I'm already talking to someone

about the night clerk position.

Here you go, Frank.

Why do you need another job?

You already have a job at one
of the hottest spots in town.

I mean, don't tell my mom this, but...

I need a second job
to afford my own place.

Apparently, no lady is swiping right

on a guy who lives at home.

Well, I need it more.

I signed up for online dating, too.

But my occupation is just "no."

I wish I could lie,
but you can't do that online.

You both want this job to
beef up your dating profiles?

- Yes.
- Yes, please.

Well, that's a lot
to take into consideration.

Pick me. I can digitize your inventory.

My entire family is dead,
so I can work holidays.

How about you both work
the late shift tonight?

The job is basically just staying awake

and trying to sell the RV out front.

Whoever still has their
eyes open when I get back

gets the job.

Easy.

I never close my eyes.

Damn it, you're good.

Round 1 is yours.

Go again.

Now I'm just blinking no matter what.
You got me nervous.

Doors will be locked until 8:00 a.m.

Elbows out.

Oh, okay. Condoms in your armpit.

Like I haven't seen that one before.

Thank you very much.

- What?! Look at you!
- Whoa!

Well, prom, right?

You didn't get my text
about wearing jeans?

I did, yeah. I got it.

This is, like, the best.

Is this, um, an arcade,
like, just for us?

I think I'd be good at chaperoning that.

Yeah, just don't go too
crazy with the joystick,

'cause it'll set the boys off.

- Okay. Yeah. Okay.
- Especially in that dress.

- Okay?
- Great.

- So, hey!
- Hey.

Hey, where's Jacob?

That little witch is
probably making him late.

Thank God he's going
to college this year.

That makes me happy.

I don't know why they
call it "empty nest."

Because I don't feel
empty at all inside.

If anything,
it's more like full-on party.

Oh! Wow!

Beau, that's a tremendous
amount of booze.

Maybe I could help you
carry it out to the bin.

- No, I got it.
- No, no, no.

Why don't you let me
help you dispose...?

- Uhh, uhh, uhh!
- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got it.

- Cool!
- Oh, there's my sweet baby!

And Janine.

Are you guys enjoying your
last big night together,

you know, before Jacob leaves forever?

Don't worry, Kay. We have a plan.

I'm gonna visit every weekend.

Yeah, she is.
We're gonna do long distance.

I think that we are both
mature enough to handle it.

Ooh! Face painting!

You know what? Actually, um...

the groups are already pre-assigned.

Uh... oh, Jacob, you're on karaoke

with, uh, Bethany and Greta,
and then, uh,

Janine, I've got you over
doing macaroni necklaces.

Why am I with a bunch of nerd girls

and Janine's with all the total studs?

I don't know.
It's just what's on my list, so...

I'm not gonna have any fun without you.

Good.

Hey! No touching at after-prom!

Mom!

They framed my wrestling
singlet after I won state.

Still has the other guy's blood on it.

Set the record for most takedowns.

What the hell?

That's not my singlet!

Who the hell is Mobley?

You know, this guy
must have beat your record.

Is that the guy from,
uh, uh, "Jungle Book"?

No, no, no. That's Mowgli, right?

I've always loved that kid.

He loses his whole family,

doesn't let it affect his attitude.

No, no, no. This is different.
This kid's name is Mobley.

- Mm-hmm.
- I am mad at him.

This is horse crap!

Okay. Seven more hours.

You know, Brandon, even though
we're competing for the same job,

I'd like to extend an olive branch.

Come on, man. Is that warm milk?

- What?
- You're trying to put me to sleep.

This doesn't have to get ugly, Rudy.

Just because we're competing
for the same job...

I've seen you on the apps.
We're competing for the same women, too.

You, as a heterosexual man,

shouldn't be seeing me on there.

It's been very educational.

I'd like you to show me that later.

But for now, all bets are off.
You got it?

More where that came from.

No, that's gonorrhea.

Syphilis is the one
that'll kill ya. 'Kay?

Go take a fun photo.

Hey, uh, Mom?

I have a problem.

Janine just said if it's this
hard being across the gym,

we're never gonna
make it being hours away.

What?! No! Come on!

What, who could have predicted this?

But you know what? You'll have
all these sweet memories

when you move on to someone better.

No, I think Janine was right.

I just won't go to college.

What?!

Jacob!

Jacob!

Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go, Daddy.

Here we go, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Here we go! Yes!

Hey! Get... Get your eyes off of that!

- Get out of here! Come on, man!
- Oh, hey! Sorry!

- Rio! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?

Oh, man! See? Now I just lost.

Jacob's not going to college
anymore because of Janine.

Wait, what?

She's trying to make Jacob
give up on his dreams?!

Not on my watch. We're
gonna break 'em up.

What's the big plan?

- We could drown her.
- No.

- Want to drown her?
- I don't think.

Okay, then let's just break 'em up.

Why don't you let me talk to her, okay?

Because I was kind of, like,
a bad girl in high school,

you know, skipping classes,

shoplifting from the MoMA gift shop.

Your childhood makes no sense to me.

Well, you know,
I'm just saying that I think

I can get on her level and
kind of reason with Janine.

Okay, 'cause you speak
the same language?

- Yeah!
- I mean, you were a New York

slut bag, so that makes sense.

- Well...
- Right? And...

And... And I mean that
with great respect.

- Sure.
- That couldn't have been easy.

- Well...
- Unlike you.

Yes. Yeah.

Why does life happen so fast?

Right? Oh, God, I mean...

my singlet was here, and now...

it's just gone.

I thought I'd have a
little more time with it...

- before it left.
- Sure.

- Do you know?
- You know,

I think your singlet
is a lot like Jacob.

Right?

You don't think so?

That's just dumb as nuts, 'Kay?

Where you off to? Where you going?

Don't run from the feelings.

I just want things to be
like they've always been!

Okay, okay, okay!

That's good! Good. Good.
That's good. Let it out!

- Hi!
- Oh! Hey, honey!

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's chapa-rowning?

- What?
- How's chap... or chapar-rr...

Are you drunk?

- Baby.
- You're very drunk.

Help!

My hand's stuck in the wall!

Never mind. The wall moved.

Actually, we're really getting
close to a breakthrough...

- so if you have more alcohol
- Oh, that's good...

or booze if you've con...
con-skif-gated?

As a chaperone, I am appalled right now.

But as a former bad girl, oh, my God.

I'm super turned on.

- Oh...
- No, no, no. I can't right now.

You know, I have to really stay focused.

I have to find Janine, and then...
It's a whole... Ka...

There's a situation. I can't even.

Okay.

I love prom!

Janine!

Where did you get spray paint?

And why did you misspell your own name?

If I spelled my full name,
they'd know it was me.

Duh!

Left foot yellow.

Hey.

Right foot green.

This after-prom sucks pretty bad, right?

I know.

But Jacob wanted to come.

I wish we could sneak out,
but the doors are locked.

- To get out, we'd need a credit card...
- Credit card and a bobby pin?

Right foot blue.

Give me the biz on Jacob.

Like, he wants to go to college,
which is, like, totally lame,

and you're cool, right?

Like, you told him
not to go or whatever.

That must be, like,
a problem for you guys.

That's actually not the problem.

Kay is.

- Kay?
- She treats Jacob like a baby.

He can't cut his own steak.

He's not allowed to
shower if no one's home.

Left hand yellow.

Hold up.

So, you didn't tell him
not to go to college?

- He doesn't want to go to college.
- What do you mean?

He didn't even fill out the application.

Kay did.

It's 3:00 a.m. and
you're listening to...

Damn it! Fell asleep again.

Brandon!

So, it's true. You trying to move out.

Ma!

Um, how did you...

Ooh! Rudy, that's cold.

You play with Rudy fire,
you get a Rudy burn.

- You went behind my back.
- I had to.

If I would have told you I
was saving up to move out,

- you would have said no.
- No!

Well, okay, maybe yes.

But... But i-it's too soon.
You just moved back in.

I'm never gonna find a girlfriend

if I'm living with you.

It's tough online.

Look, Rudy could tell you!

Wh... Rudy?

Are you... you online dating?

I'm online. Once I agree
to the terms of service,

the dating will follow.

Wow. Okay.

Well, that's just...
Just great, you know.

It's good... good to hear
that you're moving on

- and you're moving out.
- Come on, Ma.

Fine! Go ahead!

Fine!

She's looking well.

Wash your own damn undies!

- Mike?
- Mm?

Can I tell you something
from the bottoms?

Oh, yeah, of course, Beau.

I love ya.

What?

Oh... nothing.

Just y... w... talk to me.

Go ahead. You know, o-o-open up.

Which one of you buttfaces had the nards

to destroy my singlet?

- It's his?
- Oh, boy.

I think that's Mobley.

That might be.
Wow. He's a tiny, little guy.

How you... How you
doing there, little fella?

Hey, guy!

It's on!

Meet me at the mats!

S-Sounds good.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey. Did you set Janine straight?

Can I tell you a story?

Is the story about what
you just said to Janine?

I didn't get to go
to my own prom, right?

- Right, yes.
- And the reason was because

I was dating this guy. He was like...

36. He's a dental hygienist.

He was, like,
a semi-pro rollerblading guy.

We met at a Blink-182 concert.

It was a whole... His name was Darren.

Anyway, the point is,
my mom found out about it,

and she grounded me immediately.

- Uh-huh.
- And you know what it did?

It made me act out even more.

I then went to a tattoo parlor.

I got a tattoo of a worm on my ass.

Still there.

It was supposed to be
a butterfly, actually,

but it just was so painful

that I was like,
"Please don't do those wings."

- And then Janine said...?
- Okay.

Did you fill out Jacob's
college application?

Yeah. What's the matter with that?

- Kay!
- What?

Not... It's not okay!

Of course I know it's not okay.

- Okay, so...
- Yeah, and I felt really bad

when I was writing that essay
about how his hero is his mom.

But I had to do it, okay?
He has to go to college!

Kay, I think you got to let your son

kind of... go and live his own life now.

I... Take it from me.

If you start trying to control him,

he's gonna do something... way crazy.

Okay, stop. Anybody dumb enough to get

a permanent bug tattoo on their butt

is not allowed to have opinions.

I will handle this myself.

- Kay?
- Coming through!

- Hey, Kay.
- Oh, look at the time!

It's half past "Janine,
get the hell out of here."

Mom! Mom! Hey, hey, hey!
Stop persecuting her, Mom!

- Let's just take a moment to breathe.
- This is over, okay?

You're going to college,
and you're gonna date a nice girl

who... majors in sports medicine

and minors in
agriculture just to be safe!

No, I'm not!
I'm staying here with Janine!

Mnh-mnh.
You're never gonna see Janine again.

- You can't stop me!
- Well, I'll set your ATV on fire.

- Then I'll run to her.
- Uh, not if you don't have any shoes!

- I'll write to her.
- With what? I burned all your pens.

Then I'll marry her!

What?!

I did not... see that coming.

O.M. Goodness. It's happening.

Janine...

- Um...
- Will you marry me?

- No!
- Yes!

Yes!

No!

She said yes!

I can't wait to tell my mom!

Your mom's right there.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mazel.

- I love you.
- I love you so much.

I want a ring so big,
it makes my hand look like a baby's.

Yeah, we're gonna ride
down the aisle on stallions.

This is all my fault.

- No.
- He's gonna marry that girl,

and they're gonna move into a tiny house

that has a weird smell.

- You know those weird house smells?
- I do, but I just...

There's, like, a major chance
this is not gonna work out.

You know what I mean, Kay? Like...

The hygienist that
I was dating... Darren.

- Remember him?
- Yeah, I remember him.

Yeah, so, the thing is,

I ended up breaking up with him

because he got frosted
tips and adult braces,

and, mind you, I told him
to get both of those things,

and I know that sounds,
like, a little bad,

but the truth is, is, like...

what matters is,
I made that decision for myself.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, it wasn't my mom who said,

"I want you to break up with him," okay?

- Okay.
- It's got to just... play out.

I'm gonna try to stay out of it.

And I'll be here with you.

Thank you. I'm sorry I made fun
of your snake tattoo.

- It's okay. It's a worm.
- Yeah, I know.

I said snake to make you feel better.

- Can I see it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- It's right here.
- Oh, nice! Hey!

If you're coming over here to have sex,

I'll rip your parts right off!

I'm undefeated.

I've broken three arms this year alone.

Let's throw down, jerk nugget!

Are... Are you calling me a jerk nugget?

I won state back when
people had real bone mass.

My boy's got mega bone mass.

I hope you're wearing a cup,

because I stomp nards!

So, trash talk doesn't
seem to be working.

I think he really wants to fight.

D-Do you want to fight him?

I don't know. I'm really amped up.

Why did they take my singlet down?

Why do I lose the things I love?

You know what, dude?

I think this has everything
to do with Jacob.

I don't think it's about this...

- You're crazy! That has...
- No, it's a... it's about Jacob.

That has nothing to do with it.

Let's go, little guy!

Get off me!

Gah! Get off me, man!

- Tap out!
- Okay, I'm coming, Beau! I'm coming!

You're right.

This whole thing's
about Jacob, isn't it?

I'm just worried about
being alone after he's gone.

I'm here, so, you know,
you... you can talk to me.

You can talk to me.

I know that, Mike.

So just tap out, okay?
Just... Just get us out of this.

- Just tap.
- It's too late.

I've drawn my last breath.

Just know that when you said
"I love you" earlier,

I heard it, and it just kills me
that I ignored it.

- It's okay.
- This is too weird.

I'm out.

- What the hell?!
- Oh!

Something so beautiful just happened.

They'll never understand.

They... Uh, they're on the sauce.

Ooh!

Kim Cattrall is back!

Look, if you came to yell
at me again, do it quietly.

Rudy's asleep.

Okay.

I came to apologize.

I was just so happy to have you at home.

I'm just not ready for it to end.

But it's time.

It's...

What's this?

It's all yours.

What?!

You're free to go wherever you want.

- Really?!
- Mm.

Hey, you didn't have to do this!

Does it run?

Barely.

Oh.

Enough to drive it to your backyard?

Look, I-I never wanted
to get away from you.

I just wanted my independence.

And...

parking this nasty RV in your backyard

feels like the best start.

Well, we'll... we'll clean it up
when we get it home, you know?

But there's a-a raccoon
that lives in there.

- Okay.
- I think a-a family.

Brandon, what size are you?

I got the job?

Well, Rudy's passed out,
and you did help me sell the RV.

Yeah.

You know what? Give the job to Rudy.

I don't need the cash anymore.
I got the sweet RV now.

And I'mma have sex in it!

Well, be careful of the raccoon.

Raccoons like to watch.

Okay.

There we go. You're free!

- Get out of my hair!
- Prom! Prom is done!

Aren't you glad you didn't
get pregnant tonight?

- You did it!
- Go eat some breakfast.

- Oh, my gosh.
- It's all over. Just beginning.

Can I just talk to you for a second?

I'm sorry I was trying
to control you so much.

It's just, every time I look at you,

all I see is my...
sweet, little baby boy

who ran into walls because
he thought they'd move.

Mom, you know I'm always gonna do that.

I know. It's just...

It's time I let go.

And I'm gonna trust you to
make all your own decisions,

starting now, okay?

Ohh.

Thank you, Mom.

And, um... you were right.

Janine and I aren't ready for
that big of a commitment yet.

- Wait. Really?
- Yeah.

So that's why we're gonna
open up our relationship

so that we can continue
to explore sexually...

- but still stay engaged.
- N...

Hey.

Let's go look at some honeymoon stuff.

Bye, Kay.

So, maybe he's gonna
make some worse decisions

before he makes some good ones.

We should have drowned her.

No one would have ever known.

Mm...

You mean that...
You mean that metaphorically?

Mm, nope.

Why don't we hang out more often?

- Gets us beers on the nightly.
- Yeah.

And now that Jacob's off at college,
he's gonna be like,

"Oh, can I come over this
weekend and do laundry?"

I'll be like, "No.

Mike and I are gonna do some laundry!"

You and I are gonna do some laundry!

If you two dumbasses hadn't been so busy

trying to fight a child, you'd know

that Jacob and Janine are now engaged

and Jacob's not going to college!

What? My boy is back!

Oww!

Wait... what?!

Well, hon,

was after-prom everything
you'd hoped and dreamed it'd be?

There's one thing I did miss out on.

- ♪ Kiss me ♪
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- ♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪
- Ah!

♪ Nightly ♪

Of course!

♪ Swing, swing ♪

♪ Swing the spinning step ♪

♪ You wear those shoes, and I will... ♪

I feel like I'm getting
drunk just touching you.

Yeah. I really should be dead right now.