Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Letter of the Law - full transcript

Did I leave some of
the groceries on the roof?

Oh, that was the sound
I heard when we drove away.

Oh, look who's here.

- Hey.
- Hey, Deb.

- Mail call!
- Yes!

Oh, my gosh. I knew it.

This is Sierra's wedding invitation.

We were waiting for
this for a long time, and...

- Oh. Wait a minute. Wait.
- Oh. Huh.

Looks like it's been, uh, opened.

Deb, why is there tape here?



Your hair is attached to this tape.
Did you open this?

No, of course not.
My hair's more lush than that.

- So... Yeah, well, it's...
- So, Sierra,

is that one of your fancy
friends from New York?

Oh, well, she's not that fancy.
She's not that fancy. Sierra?

Well, her family owns
a couple skyscrapers

- in Midtown Manhattan.
- Yeah, but she's very down to Earth.

- She's very cool.
- Well, didn't...

Richard Branson taught
her dad how to hang glide.

- That feels...
- But she... she sends

all of her old artwork
to impoverished countries.

She loves to take care of animals.

- Yeah, she's got... well...
- Her horses, yeah.

In the sense that she has horses,
yeah. She has horses.



But she's great. She's amazing.
You love her, right?

I love...

h-how much you love her.

I'd love an invite to
a wedding in Iceland.

- How'd you know it was in Iceland?
- Yeah, how do you know

it was in Iceland?
You opened this. You opened this.

Too bad you guys can't afford to go.

How would you know whether
or not we could afford to go?

Don't forget your, uh...
Your bank statement.

I got to rush.
I got a lot of mail to deliver.

... tape all over it, as well.

- So, she's gone through this.
- There's tape on this?

Ahhh, I'm just really dreading,
telling Sierra

that we can't go to her
wedding because of money.

- Sure.
- You know, I feel like she's gonna

use that tone that's gonna
make me feel guilty...

- that I left her in New York.
- Ugh...

- Hey.
- Mm?

Hey.

No. Jacob,
I want you to try the rapini frittata.

It's a rapini frittata.

- I want you to try it. It's rapini.
- Okay.

I'll try the... rapini.

Stop playing with your rapini.

Jacob, as long as
you're living under my roof,

until your parents get back,

I want you to eat the food
I put down in front of you.

You're not my dad.
You can't tell me what to do.

- Hey.
- But you're a great mother, Rio.

You're very attentive and
very supportive and kind.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Jacob, we've talked about this.

I-I would prefer for you to
not watch me while I eat.

It's just very laser-focused.

Look at that. Oh, look. Frittata.

There we go. Oh.

It's Sierra.

I am gonna answer it
because she's at Art Basel,

and there's a small window of time

before she gets on
a plane to Hong Kong, so...

Oh, well, that's a dilemma
everyone can relate to, yeah.

Hey, girl!

Oh, my God. Hello!

- Wha-a-a-a-t?!
- What's up, girl?

Okay, wait, so,
did you get the invitation?

Are you kidding me? How could I miss it?

- It was amazing.
- Oh, my God.

Who are you gonna take as your plus-one?

Just kidding. Hi, Mike!

I would laugh harder at that

if you hadn't tried to
break us up in the past

- 'cause I was too nice.
- No... Well...

- I stand by everything I said.
- He's more than nice.

As do I.

- No, we're best friends.
- No, you guys love each other. Stop it.

Listen, um...

I-I do need to talk to you

in the spirit of kind of

our forever transparency
with each other.

I... Mike and I cannot
come to your wedding.

What? Why?

Is this about money? Because I'm...

We'll cover you. It's
literally just money.

It's not about money.
No, we have so much money.

You know, we came out here as
an agricultural experiment,

and it turns out,
we're, like, killing it!

And that's why we
have to... To stay here.

I mean, I'm... I'm devastated.

I know. Uh...

No, I'm, like, physically in pain
and emotionally in pain

and, like, this is...
Must be what death feels like.

No, I literally have, like, lacerations

- all over my heart right now.
- Like, I don't know what to do.

- Okay, well, I got to go.
- Okay.

I'm insanely in love with you, girl.

I am idiotically, irrationally,

- and violently in love with you.
- Oh, my God.

I am, like,
ferociously in love with you.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

Sorry, hon. I-I could tell
that was... hard.

I'm upset. I feel like it would
be really irresponsible

to just, like, fly to Iceland
for a wedding right now.

- Sure.
- I just feel...

- Forlorn?
- Jacob, why don't you, um...

run up to your bedroom and...
And get a little screen time?

Okay. I'm gonna go watch
bar-fight videos on my phone.

Oh, great. Send me the good ones.

Okay!

Hello, my dearest Constance.

May I please purchase these blooms

to give you as a floral apology

for committing insurance
fraud and arson years ago?

You mean when I found out

that you had burned your
farm down to the ground

for the insurance money?

Rudy, this is not easy for me.

I mean, I-I represent
law and order in this town.

I-I-I just need to think
about this, okay?

I-I-I need... I need space.

How much space? An arm's length?

If so, whose?

Bigfoot's arm or a baby's arm?

Well, the amount of space
that I need, Rudy,

is... is more.

Yeah, it's just more.

I understand.

But please don't begrudge this criminal

a few stolen glances.

How long's he been sitting there?

All morning. Constance asked for space.

- Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Space.
- Yeah.

How you doing, bud?

Quiet. Dirt time.

D-Dirt time?

It's when I stare at
the dirt and contemplate

how the universe started as
dust and will end as dust.

I find it quite soothing.

Well, look, I know exactly
how you feel, and I can help.

Yeah, I know exactly
how you feel, and I can help.

Thank you, Jacob. I'm sure
Rudy feels very comforted

by the promise of your wisdom.

Now, Rudy, believe it or not,

Rio asked me for space once.

Her girlfriend Sierra was kind
of meddling in our relationship,

and she was trying to break us up.

Wait, wait.

Is that why you don't want
to go to Sierra's wedding?

Okay, this is none of your concern.

If it involves your wife, it is.

So, Rudy, you got to make
Constance think you're fine.

I'm not fine. I'm wildly depressed.

You don't have to actually feel fine.

You just have to pretend you're fine,

and then Constance thinks
you're okay without her.

Then your stock goes way up.

Way up.

So, what are you suggesting?

Well, right off the bat,

I think a shower would be step 1.

Okay, you know what?
Don't listen to him.

Rio almost dumped his butt.

My butt?

- Dump-free
- Okay.

Now, she almost dumped me,
but she didn't,

because I did exactly what
I'm advising Rudy to do.

If you want Miss Connie back,

you got to do something cray-cray-romo.

L-Let the adults talk, Jacob.

It means, "Crazy, Crazy Romantic."

Make a big gesture. Sweep her feet.

I think you mean
"sweep her off her feet."

No, Mike. I mean "sweep her feet."

If you sweep her off her feet,

she could fall down and get hurt.

If you want Miss Connie back,

just think of the most
romantic thing in the world

and then times it by a million.

Pass.

I'm hitching my wagon
to the golden eagle.

- Ooh!
- Which... The golden eagle is...

I'm the golden eagle, right?

- Yes.
- Oh, come on!

Sorry, bud.

Deb is resealing our
envelopes with tape.

- Rio...
- Like, not even hiding it.

- Yeah, I was like...
- Rio, I have so much on my mind.

This is how a small town works, okay?

People gon'... They
gon' know your business.

Just get with it.

Mm, I... Okay.

Is this because you can't go
to your best friend's wedding

and the fact that your ass
is just stone-cold broke?

No, I think... I mean...

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Like, why do you know that?

All of our information is so
compromised in this day and age

that I feel that the mail is, like,

the last refuge of privacy that we have.

- Hey, Rio.
- Hey.

I heard your finances are
a real fart in the wind.

What... Thank you, Linda.

Brandon's Squatty Potty came in.

- Hi.
- We've got one of those.

They're great.

I don't have to sit on Kent's
stomach and bounce anymore.

Deb, if I could just say,

opening mail is a-a federal crime.

Federal crime,
I think? Back me up on that.

Uh, yeah, technically, it's illegal.

Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, thanks so much. Yeah, no,
I appreciate the feedback. I do.

And I won't open anybody's mail anymore.

Ah!

- Thank you.
- Okay?

I feel very seen and heard,
and I appreciate that so much.

- Good.
- Are you warm?

- Deb, what are you doing?
- Deb.

Well, since I'm doing it all wrong,

I'm just gonna stop
delivering your mail.

- O-Oh.
- So I quit.

- Deb, you...
- Please don't quit.

- Well, too late now.
- That's not the intention.

And please don't take your pants off.

Oh, no, no,
I'm not gonna take my pants off.

I've broken a lot of
hearts in these shorts.

Well, I-I...

- Toodle-oo.
- Deb.

Talk to the hand, 'cause Deb is done!

I'm keeping the hat!

Man.

Hey, Connie.

- Missy, how you doing?
- I'm alright. I...

You know what? I am so sorry about
how that went down yesterday.

I feel like Deb, she's gonna
figure out she needs a paycheck,

and then you won't have to be delivering

- the mail all over the place anymore.
- Yeah...

you damn straight I won't,

'cause you are.

Yeah, right.

What? You want me to deliver the mail?

You break it, you buy it.

- What? What did I break?
- Deb.

- I broke Deb?
- You broke Deb.

Come on, now. That's ridiculous.

I might've hurt her feelings,
and I do feel bad for that.

I don't think I'm the only one
that doesn't want the whole town

to know that, you know,
they buy acid-reflux pills in bulk.

Why don't you ask them while
you're delivering their mail?

Connie, I don't have a driver's license.

But you got a bike.

I know it looks badass and everything...

- ... but it is a cruiser.
- Hey...

It's not all-terrain.

It doesn't even have gears.

Oh, oh, by the way,

I got a bowling ball coming
in the mail tomorrow.

- Wow.
- Alright, girl, you can do it!

C-Connie.

Connie!

You look like a million bucks, Rudy.
What do you think of the hair?

I still think it needs more volume.

Well, I think if we go any bigger,

it's gonna collapse like a soufflé.

Hey, Mr. Rudy,
I washed all your clothes,

but now they're just, like,
a big, matted ball of yarn.

Tell you what. I've got a pretty
sweet collection of threads,

if you'd like to borrow something.

No, thanks, Mike. Your style's bogus.

You could wear my high
school football jersey.

That's a lot of horsepower.

Do I have the stones to pull that off?

What about my sunglasses?
These are fire.

Oh, that's a big, big swing, Jacob.

Oh, my goodness! Rudy!

- You look amazing.
- It's the mirroring...

- and the... and the red lenses.
- Yeah...

- Well, the aerodynamics are so...
- They're slimming, too.

Yeah. Can you give us
a "Hang loose" in those?

- This guy's chill to the max!
- Wow!

Mike, you know what?
If you had a pair of those,

maybe Rio wouldn't be trying to
break up with you all the time.

Alright. Well, that's...

Aw, man! Ohh! Oh, God!

Hi. Mail c... Oh. Um...

Okay, well,
did I get anything important?

What does it say? Fabian!

I did not open and read your mail.

Isn't that refreshing? Or...

I got to read my own mail now?

No, just, um, g-give me the coupons.

- Yes, coupons. Just... Coupons?
- This might...

- I don't know. This might be it.
- Okay! That's it!

Do you want this coupon?
Do you want this?

It's gonna bite me!

Just make kissy noises.

Mm-mwah-mwah.

No, it's not working.

- Hey! Rio!
- Hey!

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, you know,
I'm just filling in for Deb,

- so here you go.
- Oh... Oh. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Heavier than usual.

Yes. That's because I didn't eat
any of the chocolates inside.

- I just...
- Oh, well, you got to have one.

They are divine!

I'm good on chocolates,
but let me just ask you a question.

Do you have water?
Just a glass of water?

Mudslides are all I got.

Oh, is that a... alcoholic... beverage?

Excuse me. Uh,
what about in your faucet?

Hey, Theresa, can I just...
Do you have a hose?

Do you have a hose?

So, what, I just walk up
to Connie and say,

"Hey, biotch. Enjoying the view?"

- Yeah, that's good.
- No, no, no, no.

We're not even gonna
talk to Connie, okay?

We're just gonna be out here,
living our best lives,

having some fun.

If word gets back to her
we're having a blast, bonus.

- Go!
- Alright, hey, hey!

Ohhh!

- Yeah! Just three guys killin' it!
- Yeeeeeeeeah!

- Yeah!
- Oh!

These are old-school, Rudy.

Try to keep up, buster.

Wait! Ohhhhhhh!

Go, Rudy! Go, Rudy! Go, Rudy!

Ohhh!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!

- Yeaaaah!
- Whooooo!

Hey, Connie!

- I'm a caboose!
- What the hell?

Toot, toot!

My scalp feels electric.

This wind has given my hair
just the volume it needed.

So, how much longer are we doing this?

Well, we... We could call it for today.

You mean there's more
than one day to this?

- Yes.
- Why is this just

being clear to me now?

You think they did the Sistine
Chapel in an afternoon?

- What's that?
- Tell me more about

this Tony Romo method.

Cray-cray-romo.
Yeah, the results are instantaneous.

- Sold.
- Listen, you cannot rush

something like this.

You got to trust me.
I've been in your exact shoes.

Your plan is bupkis. I need results.

Jacob, read me in.

It's simple.

You just have to do
something crazy romantic.

So, when me and Janine had our fight,

I baked myself into a 10-foot cake,

and then I popped out with
a handful of rubies, right?

- And she was like...
- That n... That never happened.

Fine.

But I did cover her window in
post-Its with hearts on them,

and then she let me borrow her sweater.

You cannot be serious about Jacob.

He can't eat a Fruit Roll-Up
without turning it into a mask.

You can't be married to Rio

without her dumping you all the time.

Quiet, you two jackals!

Mike, you're out. Jacob, you're in.

You're making a very, very bad decision.

We'll see.

We'll see.

Ye... Ohh!

It's not even that good.

Anyway...

You know, I've never seen Rudy so happy.

And he looked like a slut.

If he thinks acting like a third-grader

is gonna help his cause,
he's sorely mistaken.

So, you're not even turned on?
Like, just not even a little?

Come on. All that man on top
of those tiny, little wheels?

I'd hit that. I'd hit that hard.

And Kent would want to watch, too.

I did it!

I delivered the mail to the whole town

without reading their
private correspondences,

per the law.

Wow. Rio,
we didn't think you could do it.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

You really did a really good...

- You're a real "Sully" Sullenberger.
- Okay.

Theresa had these beautiful chocolates.

She offered me them.

I was like, "Look, they're yours, girl.

- Private property."
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Are you j... Are you joking?

Why would... Why is that funny?

No, no, this is a total disaster.

- Why?
- No, no, no. Her husband's out of town.

That chocolate delivery came early.

And that means that she's just
gonna be sitting at home by herself,

watching her brand-new "NCIS" box set...

Seasons 11 through 15...
And slinging back mudslides

so that she doesn't have
to think about the fact

that they're three months
behind on their mortgage.

- She's watching DVDs..
- This is a ba...

- Yeah.
- ... of TV shows still?

Rio, she has type 1 diabetes,

and she's terrible at managing it.

That's why I always
drink half her mudslides

and house her chocolates.

Add alcohol to the mix,
she could be in diabetic shock!

- I literally...
- We got to go. Come on.

There's literally no way
that I would've known that.

Because you don't look at her mail!

- Come on. Let's go. We got to go.
- Rio. We got to go.

Just... There's no way...
You know, again, I just...

What the hell has happened to my car?!

- Cray-cray-romo, my sweet.
- Rudy!

Poor timing, buddy.

- There's some secret notes inside, too.
- Go, Deb! Hurry!

Just for now.

- Oh, no! Oh, no!
- No, you don't want these to get out.

- They go inside with her, though.
- Well, I need to get in there.

- Why is it...
- No... It'd be better...

Can't you fit in with the balloons?

Oh, geez. Ow! Ugh!

Excuse me. Thank you.

I'm just gonna gun it!

- Is she okay?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Is she okay? Is she alright?
- She's okay.

When I got here,
she was a little confused,

and then I tested her blood glucose.

It was almost 400.

- Is that high?
- Yeah, is that high?

Is my husband, Kent, a perfect 10?

Yeah. Yeah, it's high.

But I gave her some insulin,

so she should be fine
in just a couple hours.

Thank you, Deb.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

I had got three episodes
into my Navy crime show.

Suddenly, everything got blurry.

Oh, yeah. Well, no problem, T-Dawg.

You know what? From now on,

I'm gonna make sure that I intercept

all of your chocolates
with cream centers.

Theresa, I'm s-so, so sorry

I didn't open your mail and
eat your chocolates. I...

Rio, I open people's mail
because I care about them.

That and because
it's fun to do bad stuff.

O-Oh. Well, see... Yeah.

Deb has pulled a lot of asses
out the fire, haven't you?

Yeah. So much ass. So much...

Oh, Clara, if she gets even
one more letter from T.K....

That's her prison pen pal...
She's gonna marry him.

So, I just...

A-are... are those usually the envelopes

with the "Nebraska State Penitentiary"

and all the, like,
snake doodles on them?

I-I did deliver that.

We got to go to Clara's.
We got to get to Clara's.

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay, call us if you need us.

Come on, come on, come on!

Not on my watch, woman.

Unh-unh. Not happening today.

No more.

I should've stuck with your plan,
golden eagle.

I couldn't pretend to be fine
when I'm feeling like this.

You know, honestly, Rudy,

I-I didn't do such a good job, either.

When Rio asked me for space,

I just stopped showering,

and then I took to telling
people that I just cooked fish.

Quickly devolved into
me endlessly weeping

and listening to every
voicemail she'd ever left me.

Until I accidentally called her.

She was embarrassed for me,
thank goodness,

and took me back.

Well, at least she came back.

Yeah.

The only thing that matters is love.

Not money, not power, not fashion,

- hair volume, allergies...
- Totally.

... status, platinum and
other precious metals,

pleasures of the flesh,

corn, beans...

shoe size, shoe comfort,

the ability to hear enemies approaching.

Kind of losing the thread now.

The point is, Mike,
if Rio wants to move to the North Pole,

you go buy some long underwear.

If she wants to switch to a raw,
all-squid diet,

you smile and start
sucking down tentacles.

If she wants to go to her best
friend's wedding in Iceland,

you pretend you don't
despise that best friend,

you get on the first plane.

You do whatever you can
to make that woman happy.

Here.

Rudy, I asked you for space,

and you... you filled
my car with balloons.

Constance, I need to know where I stand.

Respectfully, I'd like an answer.

I mean, send me to Heaven or to Hell,

but I can't live like this in limbo.

You opened my heart to love.

But when it comes down to it,

Rudy, I...

I am a lawman, and you are an outlaw.

I set those fires years ago.

It's just that we are too different.

I'm a desert breeze.

Hot. Dry. Dangerous.

You're bedrock.

Solid, sturdy, and painful to walk on.

But at the end of the day, we both know

that rocks stay put and
winds are meant to blow.

You're breaking up with me, right?

That's not what I want.

But it's what has to be.

'Til the wind stops blowing.

And this rock starts moving.

Guys, I'm...
I'm so sorry I'm still here.

I'm just gonna walk home.

I probably should've
left a little bit ago.

Honey, I really want
to tell you something.

Okay. What's wrong?

I recognize how important
Sierra's wedding is to you,

and... and if it would make you happy,

I would sacrifice the farm
and our financial future

to make sure that you are at
that obnoxious, self-indulgent,

three-day destination wedding.

It doesn't matter that I blame her

- for the month we broke up...
- Sh... Yes.

... or that I cannot connect
with her on any real level.

- That's my stuff, and I'm... I'm a...
- Good to know.

Hi, Mike.

The feeling's analogous.

- Oh, my goodness! Oh-ho!
- It's okay.

H-Hi.

Well, Rio told me the reason actuale

you guys couldn't attend,

and, listen, I totally comprehend

what it feels like not having any money.

I mean, it's like being
a kid in a candy store

but you don't have a mouth.

Yeah, that... that's exactly the...

- the same.
- You're hilarious.

Um, look, the important
thing is that Rio is there.

And we will figure it out.
We'll make it work.

But the good news is that we
don't have to go to Iceland.

- Great! Great.
- Yes!

Because we are getting married at...

your farm!

We're gonna do it here!

- At our farm?
- We're gonna do it here!

Uh, h-here... here with us?

Lars and I were talking,
and we were like,

- "Everyone gets married in Iceland."
- Yeah.

But no one gets married in Nebraska.

- Nobody does it.
- People are gonna freak.

You're freaking? I'm freaking!

- I, too. I, too, am freaking.
- He's freaking!

We're all freaking!

Well, I got to go.
The march is about to start.

Love you!

- See you on the big day!
- Oh. Okay. I love you. Bye!

Okay, but, like, upward strokes.
You know what I mean?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not 20.

- We got to go up. Up. Up.
- Mm-hmm.

And, like, touch, but,
like, not a lot of touch.

Deb, our mail is your mail.

I am so sorry that I was
so hard on you before.

No, I get it.

I'd be cranky, too, if I had
this much credit card debt.

Oh, well, you know, I think,

compared to the average
American, it's pretty low.

Yeah, in a way.

Oh. You're a little young
to have dryness there.

Oh, that's just for the... Don't...

I'm not embarrassed about that.

I'm so glad we can be friends, Rio.

Me, too. Me, too. I really am.

I'm gonna just run upstairs
and take a quick look-see

- in the medicine cabinet.
- You know what, Deb?

I-I was wondering when you'd bump up

against the line, but that was it.

We'll... We'll keep
you out of our bathroom.