Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Bunker Down - full transcript

We're throwing a wedding for
my wife's friend from New York.

But you don't really care about that.

- Thank you so much.
- Sure thing.

Honey, I think we need to
really just start organizing

- some of this inventory because...
- Sure, sure.

... you know, Sierra's just
got a very specific vision

of what she wants, and I just...

I-I do want it to be perfect.

How much are we spending on this?

Oh, we're not...
We're not spending. Yeah.

- We're not?
- Sh... No, no. She's paying



for all of it, and she's
actually giving us a little...

little bit of cheddar on the top.

I don't hate that, because, you know,

- we could use the money.
- That's why we're trying to... Yeah.

If she wants to spend a
bundle on white tablecloths,

- God bless her.
- White? Are they white?

Yeah, it's white... White tablecloth.

Okay.

They're light cream. Thank God.
You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Okay, let's see what we got in here.

Oh, my goodness!
We've got a light cream bunny.

Those should be white.

Those are white.
Oh, you're messing with me now.

- I'm messing with you to keep it light.
- Okay. Yep.



Hey, guys.

I finished folding all the napkins.

But I-I think that you're
kind of wasting my strength.

I mean, I'm very strong.

You know what you could do
is do some ironing for me.

- Yeah, you'd be great at that.
- I need you to do some ironing.

Yeah. Give me
the heaviest iron you have.

- Great. That's awesome.
- Great job.

Oh, my God, Mike, she's here.
She's here! She's here.

Look who's here! Oh, my God.

- Bonjour and shalom, bitch!
- Oh, my God.

- Woman!
- I'm getting married!

I don't even know what
they're talking about.

Do you think they're talking about me?

- I do.
- No, that wouldn't make sense, right?

- No, I think they are.
- You think they are?

Yeah, your strength.

Right. So, this is
what I was thinking...

That we'd line up guests here

and they would sort
of sage you and Lars.

Saging's a little bit basic.

Y-Yeah. Yeah, that is basic.

So, maybe we won't do that, but like...

But I feel like no one's basic anymore.

- Yeah.
- Like, let's be basic.

Yeah, and so, I was thinking
we should be basic.

- And so... Yeah.
- God.

I mean, this place, it's just so...

It... It's like...

- ... real.
- ... real.

- You know?
- Yeah.

And, like, he's so...

American and cool.

- Oh, yeah.
- Jacob. I'm Jacob.

Jacob, I love your outfit.

- Ja... What... What's happening?
- It's Jacob.

You can just go with it.

- And this is Rudy.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Rudy, this is Sierra.

I think that you are the unkempt man

who lives in the barn, right?

You're the littlest person
I've ever met.

- It's an honor.
- Okay, total sidebar...

Can I just say you
have an exquisite body?

You may.

I'm so glad someone finally said it.

I've been thinking it
the whole time here.

- Guys.
- Hey.

Okay, this is the local ensemble team

that is going to bring
your wedding to fruition,

and this is Sierra.

I am absolutely teeming with gratitude

for your guidance and nourishment

as I make this transition
into my married life.

- Yeah.
- You know,

my dear friend Marianne Williamson

just said some wise words to me...

"Love is like a book,

and I appreciate you helping
me writing this next chapter."

- That's really sweet.
- Oh, wow.

This is why she's the best, you guys.

I follow you on Instagram.

You never respond to my messages.

Oh, I don't handle my messages.

You have to talk to Katsana about that.

Oh. Um, okay.

So, let's just do introductions.
Obviously, I'm Rio.

I'm the best friend.
I'm the wedding planner.

- I'm whatever... mother of pigs.
- She does it all.

Should we... Do you want to...
Clara, do you want to...

Um, I'm Clara. I am a Pisces,

and I will be making your
22-tiered wedding cake.

Oh. Um, did you...

So, 20 two-tiered cakes.

Yeah, we're saying the same thing.

I don't think we are.
So... What did you say?

- Twenty two...
- 22-tiered wedding cake.

Great. Okay.

And Jacob, you're on decor.

You're gonna be doing the
thousand origami cranes.

If all I can do is fold paper,
how come this?

But you're good for origami cranes?

Yeah, yeah. I can fold the cranes.

Okay. Um, alright.

Here's another thing that
we should discuss,

which is the father-daughter dance.

Like, what do you want to do?

It's obviously a unique situation.

You have two dads... Daddy and Pop-Pop.

Like, do you want to dance
with them at the same time?

You know what? I am feeling...

I'm feeling a little deluged right now.

- Okay.
- You know?

Why don't we open a bottle of champagne?

Sure. And so...

I feel like we should, like,
finish the meeting first, right?

And then we can do champagne?

Ooh, sounds like Rio's putting
the "snore" in "Bucksnort."

- She got... That's...
- Okay, okay.

- Very funny.
- I love it.

- I love it.
- She's very funny.

Oh, hey, Brandon,
where do you guys keep cannons

for shooting, like, rose petals?

Come on, man.
We don't even have shampoo.

- Oh.
- Brandon!

Is that Mike? I need to talk to him.

Hey, bud, be careful.
She is on a war path right now.

She already ticketed three
people for jaywalking.

We don't even have a crosswalk.

- Okay, okay.
- Mike.

I noticed that you placed a
very large order of alcohol.

Now, you know you can't
serve that at a wedding...

... without a liquor license.

We don't need a license for that, do we?

I mean, it's... It's not on my list.

- Let me see that.
- Well, you know,

I need that back. Okay?

So, you're having the
wedding at Rudy's barn?

Is he okay with that?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- They... They're not

speaking right now.

- Oh.
- Okay, we got butterflies... no.

Fireworks... nope.

I'm denying your wedding permit.

Wait, did we even apply for a permit?

No. Would you like one?

Uh... sure.

Denied!

Okay, so, this clearly

has something to do with the breakup.

- 100%. Definitely.
- Yeah.

But I'm not gonna be
the one to tell her.

- Are you kidding me?
- Listen, I can't have

your mom on full tilt for this wedding.

So, we've got to figure out

how to cool things down
between Constance and Rudy.

Yeah, we... we just got to

figure out a way to break
the seal, right?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Create some conversation.

- There we go.
- Help them move past this.

Yes, and we got to fast-track it.

Brandon, watch the register.

- I'm gonna go tase someone.
- Alright.

Theresa, I know I've been getting

a lot of comments on my body lately,

but I'd appreciate your brutal honesty.

- You're just jealous.
- Hey.

Rudy, I-I was hoping to talk to you

for a second about Constance.

We had a clean break.

Cold turkey's the only
way to stop anything.

Six years ago,
I stopped making left turns.

Haven't done one since.

So, h-how then do you...

- Three rights, Mike.
- Fascinating.

Uh, just to bring it back
to Connie, she...

asked i-if she could
get a recipe from you.

What recipe? She knows
the only thing I make is trail mix.

Uh-huh. She wants to know your
peanut-to-almond proportions.

So, uh, she's on her way...

- On her way now?
- Yeah. She'll be here.

- On her way.
- Maybe we could regroup

in, like, 30 minutes?

Great. I look forward to
telling her my nut ratio.

Yeah. It's just...

You have a weird smile on your face.

- No, I really don't.
- Okay.

Well, look...

I've got to find a place to
rent a chuppah in Nebraska,

which is quite a challenge,
but I'll see you shortly?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Wait, Rio, do you remember
when we threw the rave

in the Meatpacking District,
and I got salmonella?

- How could I forget?
- Oh, my God. We were rolling so hard.

It was ridiculous.

My God, are you guys
talking about drugs?

I lost my virginity on Ibuprofen.

Ooh. Did you wait for it to kick in?

I didn't think of that.

Are you guys carrying right now?

Because, like, if you were
to totally peer-pressure me,

- I would do it.
- We're not doing drugs.

Okay, well, look,
if you want to get a little loopy...

I have got some horse tranquilizers.

- Oh, my God. Kent.
- Ooh.

Kent coming in hot with suggestions.

You're not gonna like
how they're administered.

Horse tranquilizers... Oh, wait.

- Hey.
- What do you have?

I have wedding planning. Come on.

Can we focus on that later?

Come on, Rio. You really have changed.

I mean, I'm telling you,
she used to be fun.

Now it's just like...

You know? It's like downhill.

- Like, what happened?
- I'm still fun.

- No.
- I still have fun.

I throw down. I throw down a lot.

If you throw down,
why don't we throw a par-tay tonight?

- Oh.
- Like we used to, right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Totally debauched bacchanal.

- Oh, here? Here?
- Like a full-blown rave.

- What do you think? Are you down?
- I think... I think yes. Yes!

Yes! Right?

- Annihilation!
- Yes!

- Take it down, take it down!
- There we go. There's the Rio I know!

Yes! Yes! Get it! Yes, yes, yes!

- Mm!
- Oh. Are you okay?

It's just... Uh... Th...

There's a lot more in
there than I imagined.

Brandon said that Rudy
wanted me to meet him here

because of what?

W-What again?

He saw a large naked man walking by,

and he made a citizen's arrest,

but the man escaped because
he was covered in oil,

and now Rudy wants
to do a police sketch.

That's too much. That's way too much.

W-W-Wait, wait, wait.

He said he was gonna
be waiting for me here?

Is that what you... I don't see him.

That... That could be my fault.

I-I might have got the time wrong.

But I'm sure he just
stepped out for a second.

- He'll be right back.
- Yeah.

You know,
this is such a waste of my time.

I could have been
setting up a speed trap.

This is so stupid.

What the hell, Mike?

Come on. I held up
my end of the bargain.

What's this? W-What is it...

What do you got on
your neck here, Theresa?

Okay...

"Sorry, but I can't talk to Constance.

I've gone into my underground bunker...

for two to five years,
depending on how hungry I am.

Please take care of Theresa,
and don't try to find me.

Love, Rudy."

And then, I don't know,

eight pages of goat care instructions.

"Drain glands at least three"...

No. No, no, no.
I'm not draining any glands.

No, Mike. We made this worse.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah,
it's much, much worse.

We have to find that bunker.

And it's good!

- Hey.
- Hey. Can I um...

clear some of this off,
whatever that is?

Yeah. Whatever.

Ow!

Aah. I'm bleeding.

Aah, I guess paper really
does beat... rock.

Make sure you are banging
back some electrolytes, okay?

- Yeah.
- You're doing a lot of flexing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Holy smokes.
- Whoa.

Who's the lucky guy?

Me? Is it me? No, I know.

No, no. Okay.

So, Sierra called me a "Buck-Snore"...

... and I mildly overreacted,

and now we're throwing a small,
but intimate rave in the barn.

And I hope Rudy doesn't mind,
which I don't think he will.

- Do you think he'll mind?
- I don't think he'll mind.

He is underground in his bunker
somewhere on our property.

- He what? He's in... He's in a what?
- So I'm I'm trying to locate him.

Don't worry about it.
You know, worst-case scenario,

we'll just... we'll cancel the wedding.

We'll be able to see
Rudy in two to five years.

What? You... What do
you mean the wedding is not...

- That's, like...
- Brandon and I are on it.

- Okay, so just...
- Okay. 'Cause, yeah,

- enjoy your rave, honey.
- I'm trying to, like...

- Okay. Phew.
- You can get blackout drunk

- and earn Sierra's respect back, but...
- Oh, well...

Watch out for Connie.
She's on the war path.

Well, nothing ever crazy
happens in this town,

so I think I'm good.

- Hey!
- Rio!

What a dope milieu!

Yes.

Yeah, so dope!

So dope! I love it!

Rio, everyone has hands!

- We...
- We all have hands!

Yeah!

I did drugs!

- Rio!
- Oh, hi.

I just saw Rudy crawling
on the ground like a cat.

What are you chewing?
Clara, what are you chewing?

I told you not to chew any
more of those gummies.

Are you chewing those gummies?

- Clara.
- Oh, I should take my top off.

No, I didn't say that.

You know what? Just stay with me here.

Now hold. Look at this hand.

Stay with me. You're watching my fist.

You're watching my fi... Water.

- Wow!
- Go and take it outside.

This is awesome.

Oh, God. Hello.

Yes. Hi. Who is that guy?

I think he follows me on Insta.

- And that got him here somehow?
- Eh, you know what?

I posted about the barn,
so maybe he saw my location tag.

Oh, wow.

- Oh, that's...
- Oh, my God.

- Come on, guys!
- I-I... Oh.

Another cow bone.

How many does that make?

Enough to make nine full cows.

Whoop, whoop!

Get your hands in the
air and drop your bone!

Hey, Ma.

I was just helping Mike mow his land.

Don't fix your mouth to lie when
I got a megaphone in my hand.

What the hell is going on?

Mike came up with some crazy idea

about getting you and Rudy to talk.

But I said, "No, Mike. That's not right.

This is none of our business."

I... W... Really?

Yeah. Rudy went down into his bunker

because I suggested that you
guys have a conversation.

Rudy went into his bunker?

Yes. D... Has he told you where it is?

No, he didn't tell me.

Don't worry, Mom. This is Mike's mess.

Just Mike.

But I'm-a help you fix it.

You are such a good son, Brandon.

We raised you right.

But you, on the other hand...

Why didn't you just leave us alone?

Well, I would have loved
to have left you alone,

but one of you lives in my barn

and mopes around all day long,

and then I bump into you,
and you've got a long face.

So I know this isn't going so well,

you cutting him out of your life.

So, you're gonna force two
adults who just broke up

to be friends

so that you can get out of
getting a liquor license?

When you phrase it that way, sure,

it does sound a little insincere.

I-It's just awkward between us.

I-I don't even know how to
be friends with him again.

Well, I do believe step one

is extracting him
from beneath the earth.

And then what?

You take a little baby step,

and then it leads to another,

- and you move...
- Hey, I found something!

Is it Rudy?

S-Sierra, I wondered
if you could just make, like,

a really chill announcement,

just telling people
not to wreck the farm,

mainly 'cause it's, like,
my livelihood or whatever,

and, you know,
it just has gotten a little bit bigger

than I initially thought it would.

Look, I'm sorry for putting
the party on Instagram.

I just wanted my family to
see me having a good time,

and I thought they
would change their minds

about not coming to the wedding.

Uh, what?

What do you mean, your family's
not coming to the wedding?

Daddy totally despises Lars.

Whatever. Do you want more moonshine?

No, I don't want more moonshine.

I want to talk to you about why Daddy

doesn't want to come to your wedding.

Yes, but Kent's about to jump

from really high up for no reason.

- Kent is what?
- Who wants to see me jump, baby?!

No, no! Not... No, Kent!

I need a landing zone!
Get that hay in here!

Sierra, Sierra, listen.

It's a really big deal,
what you're saying.

I-I want to talk to you.
That's what I'm here for.

- Look! over here!
- What is it?

Oh, my God! Guys! Door in the floor!

You're avoiding me right now.

Door in the floor! Door in the floor!

Barn man!

What is it? More cow bones?

It's Clarabones.

Clara, are you okay, girl? What...

Oh, yeah. I ate all these gummies,

and then I saw Rudy
crawling in the barn,

and then all these people showed up,

- and I was like, "nap before orgy."
- W-W-Wait.

- You saw Rudy?
- Yeah.

- In the barn?
- You two dummies

did not check underneath
Rudy's barn first?

Wow, this is incredible.

Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Sierra, what is going on?

Why is your family not
coming to your wedding?

Oh, my God. Can you stop? I don't care.

- Neither should you.
- I do care.

I do care. You're hiding here.

- I'm not hiding.
- You're not hiding?

You're literally behind a bunch of cans

in... in an underground bunker

in the middle of Bucksnort, Nebraska.

- I am fine.
- No.

I am fine. Leave me alone.

You say that you haven't changed,
but you really have.

Yes. I have.

I have changed.

I admit that to you.

I do not want to be in this
underground apocalypse bunker

with a bunch of strangers from
the Internet that I don't know.

Don't look at me like, "Oh,
yeah, I got you," okay?

- There it is.
- I have a farm with my husband.

Yes, we get it.

You own a farm, and I'm just

some dumb party girl from New York.

Sierra, please don't do that.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go get my swerve on

and spank that sexy grandfather clock.

Out of my way! Police business!

Y'all are under arrest!

What in God's name is going on here?

Damn, Rudy!

You all are under arrest,

and your wedding ain't
never gonna happen.

This might be bad timing, but Rudy...

what a bunker!

Alright, it's time for mugshots.

Come on, Rudy.

Great, great, great.

- Great.
- Mm.

I do find it beguiling
that this anteroom

also serves as a penal holding facility.

Oh, my goodness. Can't you
just say that it's cool

- the room also serves as a jail cell?
- Mike...

- ... that's not productive.
- Why do you got to be so hoity-toity...

- ... to break the ice.
- Turn to the left

So, Rudy, how long were you planning

on staying in that damn bunker?

Not sure. It depended on how well

I responded to the taste
of thrice-filtered urine.

And you were gonna stay down there

just because I wanted to talk to you?

Rudy, come on. We can't live like that.

Don't worry.
I wouldn't have lasted long.

Ate most of my snacks in the first hour.

I'm powerless over peanut butter.

Alright. Turn to the right.

The only thing I missed about
the above ground world was you.

Even if we're not speaking...

it's nice to be on the
same side of the dirt.

Well, Mike was trying to rope Brandon

into making us friends again, but...

we'll eventually get there.

I'm just not ready for that yet.

I agree.

May I face you?

Yes, go ahead.

If only there was some way
I knew you were doing okay,

but I didn't have to
see you all the time.

Hope that doesn't mean I have to
join some kind of social media.

Just...

It's a police scanner.

Just turn it on and listen.

You'll hear my voice...

and I'll know that you'll be
listening out there somewhere.

This is wonderful.

Ten-four.

Copy that.

Okay. You know what?

I already tried to force two
other people together today.

It did not go well.

Might as well try it again.

You guys... You can't do this.

You can't do this. You're...
You're not even looking at each other,

you're ignoring each other,
and you're old friends.

Do you know how rare that is?

Everyone changes,

but only a few lucky people
get to have someone there

that witnesses the whole thing.

You want to lose that?

You're gonna throw all that
away over some fatuous dispute?

Oh, that's right, sister.
I know some long words, too.

Don't do that.

Sierra...

back in the day,

we would go out, and we'd... party

and, like, hit on guys,
and it was fun, and...

You know, but now...

Yeah. I mean, we've changed.

- Yeah.
- You're a farmer.

I'm growing up.

I'm getting married to a
guy 20 years older than me.

- Yeah.
- Wow. 20... 20 years?

Yeah. I love it.

I actually wish he was older, like Rudy.

- Sure.
- Rudy's a smoke-show,

and I want a puff.

Experience.

I mean, I feel like just because
we change doesn't mean...

you know,
we can't still be friends, right?

Look, remember
that night right before you left,

- and we went out all night?
- Yes.

- And then we ended up at, um...
- Up at the Broadway Diner.

Yes. Oh, my God, and the waiter thought

you were trying to hit on him,
which you were.

- Yes. I was. Totally.
- You know?

- And I was like, "You should"...
- Oh, okay. Pretend I'm not here. Yeah.

- Yeah. Okay.
- He's very good like that.

Okay.

That was my favorite part
about going out with you.

It wasn't the long nights.

It was the breakfast the next day.

It's the breakfast the next day!

- I love you so much, breakfast!
- Breakfast!

- Aww!
- Ow, ow. Okay.

- Love you so much.
- I love you, too.

It's just, my shoulder's
getting a little...

... thrown out. Okay.

- That was beautiful.
- Sorry.

Alright, you're free to go,
and the wedding is back on.

- Ah!
- Oh, look at that.

Connie, thank you.

Look what I got.

Great.

- Why does Daddy not like him?
- It's a little...

You know what I mean?
It's a little hard to pin down...

- Sure...
- but I think it's because he got caught

low-key maybe embezzling some money.

- What? Lars did?
- Not, like, real embezzlement.

- What, like... What...
- But, like, embezzlement-adjacent...

Thought you might
want a hearty breakfast.

Oh, my God! Breakfast!

- Mike, thank you so much.
- No, literally, this is so good.

- Thank you. You saved my wedding.
- I love this.

- I'm obsessed with you.
- I wouldn't let a wall of fire

stand between you and
this embezzler, so...

- Okay. Thanks...
- ... the honor's mine.

What did he embezzle?

Well, Bernie Madoff was his mentor.

Oh, wow.

But Bernie was actually really nice.

Ow!

Hey, Clara.

No, n-n-n-not so, so, so, so, so loud.

So, so, so loud.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Oh. If you...

No, no. Don't even try. It's impossible.

Doesn't even matter how strong you are.

There's just... There's just no way.

How did you...

I want you to pick me up and
hold me like a baby kangaroo.

That's pretty cool.