Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Predators - full transcript

Oh, wow. My goodness.

- Hon?
- Hmm?

You notice a difference in my physique?

I think because I've been outside

pushing things and pulling,

it seems to be having a real effect.

- Really?
- I mean, I wouldn't go so far as

to use the word "jacked," but
maybe "jacked adjacent"?

Yeah, sure. I think...

Yeah, I would call you
"jacked adjacent."

Oh. Thanks for noticing that.



Um, sweetie,

is it okay if we put on

my "Sounds of the Upper West Side"?

'Cause my mom just sent
me a new recording.

Well, it does make it
a little harder for me

- to fall asleep.
- I know, but it's just so relaxing for me.

I said cream cheese on the side, buddy!

And cover your mouth when you cough,

I could be pregnant!

I just feel my stress melting away.

Oh, so soothing.

Maybe we could alternate between this

and the sounds of war.

Oh, my gosh!



Honey, what's happening? What was that?

Sounds like the chickens!
It's our babies!

- You got to go do something!
- Yeah, I'm on it.

- Oh, my God, our babies!
- All right, um, ooh, uh...

I shouldn't go unarmed, right?

You're buff as hell. You got this.

No, no, I need like a bat or

- some nunchucks or something.
- Honey!

Take my weighted blanket.

- A blanket?
- Is that okay? Is it too heavy?

- Hon, we just went over how cut I am.
- I-I... I'm nervous!

Okay.

Is someone in here?!

I have a weapon!

Ahhh!

Oh, Rudy!

Is that your cape?

No. It's not a cape.

It's a... weighted blanket, for anxiety.

I didn't know you wore
a cape for anxiety.

Rudy, w-what are you doing in here?

- What's with the feathers?
- Oh.

Predator got in the coop.

Oh, no.

- I don't want to be too graphic...
- Thank you.

... but you got a chicken with
her head ripped clean off.

Guts everywhere, gizzard shredded,

body turned completely inside out.

Her eyes were open. She
saw the whole thing.

Hard to believe so much blood

comes from such a small creature.

You can try to mop it
up, but you'll probably

- just spread it around.
- Thank you, Rudy.

Hey, Deb!

- Mail call!
- Yeah.

Yeah, looks like just
a bunch of bills...

- ... and there's a birth announcement.
- Oh. Oh!

Thank you so much for always
going through our mail.

Would it be more fun to just open it?

Oh, I would love that.

- I was kidding.
- Oh, okay. You know what?

I get... I keep getting mail
addressed to Levine-Young...

- Oh.
- ... instead of just Young.

And if that's an error,
I can yell at somebody

down at the main branch
to get that fixed.

Oh, no, thank you so much.

It's not an error.

My last name is Levine,

and Mike's last name is Young,

and so when we got
married, we hyphenated it.

Oh, 'cause Mike said
your name was Young.

Huh. He did?

- Mm-hmm.
- No. I took on his last name...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... and he took on my last name. Um...

Oh, wait, you said that
Mike took your last name?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh.

He took...

- Oh.
- He t...

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry, I just needed a laugh today.

Kent's home. He's sick.
He's got the flu,

- and there's diarrhea everywhere.
- Oh.

And he misses the toilet,
and I'm just like, "Ugh."

Anyway, tell Mike that
I said that he's doing

a great job with this farm.
It's really coming along.

Well, you can tell me that, too,

'cause it's also my farm
and I work on it equally.

Yeah, bye, Mrs. Young!

Hey, guys!

The egg mobile's really looking secure.

Ready to roll up my
sleeves. How can I help?

Why don't you make us
some good lemonade.

Oh, you don't want her to do that.

- Thank you, Mike.
- Yeah, when she makes it,

it's, uh, got, like, a texture.

You know, it's like a soup.
Like a thick bisque.

- It's like a lemonade.
- Y'all had an intruder?

- What? Oh, hey!
- Hey.

Yes, I called 911, but
that was last night.

- You're just coming now?
- Believe it or not,

there isn't a code for a dead chicken.

You can't call the sheriff
when a chicken dies,

just like you can't
call the gynecologist

when the Internet goes dead.

Hmm.

Constance?

Rudy?

Gonna be warm tonight.

I suppose it is.

So warm I might sweat
through the sheets.

Well, I hope you have a... spare set.

I do not.

Well, the fireflies are
gonna be out tonight.

I'm gonna be watching
if you want to come by.

No.

Copy that loud and clear.

- Uh, exc... A-Are you sure?
- N-N-No, hold on, hold on.

That would be a really nice
thing, to go see the fireflies,

- 'cause they're so beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.

They're the confetti of the angels.

But I stand by my original response.

- Um...
- Okay, well,

- look, whoever killed Deirdre...
- Yes.

- ... is still on the loose, alright?
- Yep.

And I'm gonna be honest, I want revenge.

- Yeah.
- I want vengeance!

What's up with all
this hyper-macho thing

that you've been doing
since we've been here?

Mm. I don't know what
you're talking about.

Please let me have this.

I just feel like we're
falling into these patterns,

and I don't like it.

In New York, we had
an equal partnership.

We were both independent,
capable people,

and now you just expect me
to break out the lemons

and the corn starch and make
lemonade for you and Rudy?

So that's what's going on.

Y-You don't need corn
starch in lemonade.

- Oh.
- That's, I think, why it's chewy.

And then Deb, a federal employee,

got the go-ahead to call you Mike Young.

- Um, that was just a time-saver.
- Yeah, but it...

And, look, I-I don't want
you to just make lemonade.

Thank you.

I would like it if you could
bake some brownies as well.

- Sorry, what?
- To take over to the Bowmans'

so we have access to their
security cam footage.

We gotta figure out what kind
of predator we're hunting,

and Rudy says they have
security trail cams everywhere.

So you want me to...

make brownies?

I'm sorry that this is how it is.

But you're supposed to

bring the brownies over.

- There's just different expectations here.
- Okay, okay,

but their expectations aren't
necessarily our expectations.

- We're aligned in that, right?
- Agreed.

- Great.
- A-And not to get all

"look at the actual facts
of the situation,"

but last night, when you
heard a scary noise,

you wanted me to go check it out.

I don't want you to take
this the wrong way,

- but...
- Okay.

... maybe here...

you feel like you want me to
protect you a little more.

You... You t... You took
that the wrong way.

Yeah, I took it the wrong way.

I hope you were not wearing an apron

when you baked these brownies.

And please tell me you
were wearing oven mitts

when you took them out of the oven.

Because otherwise, you
would burn yourself.

Yeah.

Okay, well, now that we all agree

I'm a man who made brownies,

I'd love to look at
that trail cam footage.

Oh, yeah. Jacob, go check the footage.

What time did you say the assault was?

Around 10:30.

I will be right back.

Well... Well, not right back,

because I do have to look
at the... the footage first,

and then I'll come back and tell you...

- We got it, son.
- Okay.

Mike, obviously I've
lost all respect for you

knowing that you baked these, but...

this is the most delicious
brownie I have ever tasted.

What is going on in my mouth right now?

- My secret's a little sea salt.
- Mmm.

Gives you that sweet, salty
back and forth, a little...

Mm, I'm gonna pass on
that recipe advice to Kay

when she gets back to town. She's
visiting her sister, Stacy...

... who's a very, very beautiful woman.

Hmm.

Jacob!

Did you find out what
got into Mike's coop?

Yup.

It was me.

I killed your chicken, Mike.

Hey. Rudy.

Rio? I wasn't expecting
you. You're not Mike.

Damn right I'm not Mike.
Mike's over at the Bowmans'.

I'm here to murder an
animal. Let's do this.

Why do you have so many keys?

Were you a janitor in New York?

No, this is to defend myself.

From doorknobs?

Actually, I'm glad you came.

I'd like to ask what you thought

about what happened
today with Constance.

She came on a little strong, didn't she?

I'm sorry, but would you be
talking about relationship drama

if you were out here getting
ready for killing with a man?

Maybe. If he was smaller than me.

Can we talk about Constance now?

No. We can only talk about
hunting-related items.

We should split up.

We'll cover more ground.

- It's gonna be dark soon.
- Say what?

You go one way, and I go the other.

So you'll go out on your own,

and I'll go out on my own.

- Yeah, I said that twice now.
- Okay, so we'll be separate.

Alright, great.

This is good. I like this...

- a very, very good plan.
- You hear anything,

call me on the walkie. My
code name is "Potato."

My code name is "Warrior."

No. You're "Potato Three."

What happened to "Potato Two"?

You don't want to know.

Over.

So that's when I decided

that all the chickens had to die.

- No.
- Two chickens had to die.

- It was only one.
- But I killed it lots of times.

No. No, no, no, no. Something's up.

Let's go look at the tape.

No, no, no, Dad! Please
don't look at the tape!

Well... this is embarrassing.

Jacob killed your chicken.

Cold one?

We're... not gonna talk about

what was on the footage?

What's there to say?

Jacob's a teenaged chicken-killer.

Look, we all saw what was on the tapes,

and, Beau, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Of course not.

If I was ashamed of
something, I'd act like it.

- Yeah.
- No, sir.

Okay, so, on the off chance

that Jacob didn't kill my chicken,

I think I need to search
for the predator.

So I'll leave you two to talk.

I imagine you have a
whole lot to get into...

emotions and vulnerability, openness...

Hold it!

Why don't we help. We got all the gear.

You'd be a fool not to
take advantage of us.

Oh, yeah, Mike, take advantage
of us all night long.

How could I say no to that?

See this mother right here?

Oh, wow. Oh.

Got my shirt caught in a feed grinder.

Nearly tore through my bicep.

So badass.

Still made it to my wedding on time.

Had to army crawl ten miles.

I didn't even go to the hospital.

Only help I had was from
Dr. Kentucky Bourbon.

You know what I'm saying?

- Mm.
- So tough.

Wow! We taking all those?

Scared of the manpower?

No problemo.

We'll go with a blade instead.

Jacob, why don't you grab a ma-che-te.

Ding!

Oh, wow. Hey. Okay.

Jacob, be careful, yeah?
It's probably sharp.

Yeah. Yes.

It is very sharp.

But it's safe if you
know what you're doing.

Ohh...

Oh!

I'm... fine.

Your thumb is on the floor.

That's not where it's supposed to be.

- It's not on your hand right now.
- Use this.

Ooh.

We need to go to the hospital.

- My son lost his thumb.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God!
- Okay, I'll drive. I'll drive.

You go out and be with your dad.

- Aah, gross!
- I just touched it.

- Okay. Ugh.
- Ahh!

Okay...

Hey, Potato.

How's it going over there?

Did you see the critter, Potato Three?

No, not exactly.

- Uh, but...
- Then we should stay off the walkies

unless there's an emergency. Over.

It is an emergency in a way,

'cause we should probably...
talk about Constance.

Boy, is that a tough nut to crack.

Why do you think you said no to
going to see those fireflies?

Because she's not the one who's
supposed to ask me out on a date.

That's the man's job.
What's left for me to do?

Bat my eyelashes

- and blow sweet kissies?
- Sure, sure, sure.

You're used to the man doing the asking,

but, you know, there's
lots of ways to do things.

Like when you bring me
dirty laundry to do,

sometimes Mike does it.
There's a very good chance

that Mike washed the underwear
that you're wearing right now.

A-And it's important to remember

that the reason you like Constance

is because she's strong

and because she does
things for herself, right?

Rudy?

Rudy, you with me?

- I need to go see Constance.
- Wait, right now?

No, Rudy, listen to me, I think
that this Constance thing

could be really the symptom of a
much larger problem, and I...

That's okay. I'm very happy
with everything else

that's wrong with me.

Goodbye, Potato Three.

Potato, over and out.

No, it's not over till
we both "over." Over?

Damn it!

Not cool!

Aah!

Aah! Weasel!

Oh, God, I should've just
made the stupid brownies!

Alright, well, it's gonna
take about an hour

to get to the hospital,
but if all goes well,

old Jacob's gonna be hitchhiking
with strangers in no time..

Do you need me to drive to the hospital?

No, I-I got... I got it.

Um... so, it's no big deal,

just a little FYI, the weasel is, um...

... is inside our house,

and I just need you to come home
and kind of take care of it.

I would love nothing more

- than to take care of that weasel, but...
- Okay, great!

So just, you know, come on home

and... and take care of it now.

- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?

What do you want to hear? I'm scared.

I'm a fragile, little woman

with fragile, little birdy bones, okay?

I'm mentally and physically
incapable of survival.

Does that work? Is that enough?
Can you come home now?

I can't come home right now.

I'm trying like hell
to keep a thumb fresh!

Hey, Dad, what do you think

of the Huskers' new wide receiver, huh?

He's the top recruit.

- Yep.
- A good get.

You remember, you thought
Michigan was gonna get him?

They're talking about
football. They're fine!

You got to come home!

It's way more messed
up than that, sweetie.

I will come protect you from
the weasel when I get back.

Oh, but that could be all night, babe.

- Ugh!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I-I just...
- Shut this, shut this, shut this.

You have one job, Beau!

To hold the thumb!

What's happening, Mike? Honey?

I love you, but I gotta go.

Mike!

Mm.

Who died?

Mom... there's a weasel in my house.

Oh, my God! Did it touch you?

Remember your cousin Neary?

She got rabies from a weasel.

Her brain is mush now. Complete mush.

She still likes animals,
though, which is nice.

How come I've never
heard of this person?

What, am I just gonna bring up

a mushy-brained relative on a whim?

I don... Mom, listen.

Mike's not here,

and he's not gonna be here
for another few hours,

and I don't know what to do.

In New York, I remember being
so strong and independent.

Now I don't know who I am anymore,

and it's like I-I need
Mike so much out here,

and it scares me.

- Why?
- Because you've always taught me

- to fend for myself.
- Yeah. So?

So how can I be strong and independent

if I need him so much?

Being strong doesn't mean
doing everything on your own.

That's why you have a partner...

so they can be strong when you're not.

Nobody's strong all the time,

except Monica Lewinsky,

and you know I've been at her
side from the very beginning.

But, Rio, you're not losing yourself.

You're just learning how
to rely on each other.

Right.

Hey, Mom.

Were you the one who taught me
to put keys between my fingers

to make them a weapon?

No.

You learned that one on your own.

Remember when you key-holed
that flasher on the subway?

Oh, my God, that was one of the
proudest moments of my life.

What?! Was that the weasel?!

- I got this.
- Rio?

Where'd you go?

- Don't put me down!
- I'm coming for your weasel ass.

Hi, Constance.

Rudy. Why are you here?

A man washed my underwear.

Everyone in this town needs to
learn what an emergency is.

No, wait.

I...

It's really hard for me to change.

But I'd like it if you'd...

ask me out again sometime.

Have a nice evening, Constance.

The doctors know what they're doing.

- Yeah.
- I saw a lot of coolers

when we checked in. I think
this is the place people come.

Let's hope so, huh?

Hey, uh...

... it was me crying on that video.

Oh. Really?

Yeah.

I cry sometimes.

Sure.

I do it alone so nobody
has to see it, but I cry.

Sometimes I... I cry so hard,
I can feel it in my nuts.

Mm.

Do you wanna know why?

You bet I do, Beau.

Farming's not what it used to be.

You think I want to sell bull semen

to the Mudanjiang prefecture in China?

No.

But I had to diversify.

I want to keep that
bull semen for myself

like my dad did, and his dad.

- Sure.
- It kills me that Jacob saw me like that.

Oh, come... Beau.

- Hey.
- Don't look at me right now.

Well, where do you want me to look?

- Just don't look right at me.
- Okay.

Sorry, it's gotta be you.

Listen, I saw my dad cry once.

You know, we were on a long
drive, just the two of us,

when, uh, Bob Seger came on the radio.

Gotta love Bob Seger.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I mean, my dad's not an emotional guy,

but when "Against The Wind" came on...

Oh!

... boy, that was the whole ballgame.

He told me how it reminded
him of my mom and...

apparently, they had made love
to that song the night before,

which really bummed me out to hear,

but the point remains,

you know, by him opening up like that,

it gave me permission to feel.

You shouldn't be embarrassed
you cried in front of Jacob.

You should be proud of that.

- Mr. Bowman?
- Yeah.

Jacob's doing great.
He's resting right now,

but you can see him in a little bit.

Okay, thank you.

- Thank you.
- He's fine.

That's what we want to hear.

Aah!

He... He... He's fine.

Yeah.

Ugh!

Want me to get us another bag of those?

Don't you... Don't you leave me.

Okay.

- Great.
- Don't you leave me.

Please.

Ugh!

Weasel, I know you don't
understand words,

but I hope that my tone

is soothing and stern enough
for you to understand

that I would really like you to leave.

Ahhhhh! Get off!

Get rid of it!

- Hey, Thumbelina.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

I told them I didn't
need any anesthesia.

And then I do not
remember what happened.

Listen.

This scar?

That S.O.B. hurt so bad I passed out.

Then I woke up covered in urine.

I had peed myself like a newborn.

And then I spit up all over
your mama's wedding dress.

- W-What?
- And Dr. Kentucky Bourbon?

Well, actually a lady doctor

named Millicent G. Tubbs.

The point is, I'm only human.

And that's what you saw on that tape.

And I'm...

I'm so happy that you're okay.

Me too, Dad.

It hurt so much when I cut my
thumb off with that knife!

Oh.

Get outta my way!

My son's in there!

- Mom.
- Jacob!

Oh, my God. My sweet baby.

- Kay.
- Oh, I'm good.

I'm so glad the angels didn't take you.

The angels saved his thumb,
but they took your cooler.

I don't know why I said that.

I would've been here sooner,

but your Aunt Stacy and
I were stuck in a tree

hunting a ten-point buck.

I wanted to nab a six-pointer,

but you know your Aunt
Stacy's a real size queen.

- Right.
- I love you so much.

I love you, Mama.

I don't know what happened here,

but I choose to blame you.

Rio?!

Hon?!

Hello, Mike.

Oh.

Hey. I'm so sorry, but I'm here now,

- and I want to kill the weasel.
- You're too late.

Oh!

Wait, you did this? By yourself?

How?

- You key-holed that mother.
- No, no, no.

He was just sort of
attracted to shiny stuff,

and that sort of did the trick.

- Aah!
- Watch. See, he loves this.

Wow. Thank God. I was nervous one of us

was gonna end up like your cousin Neary.

- How do you know about that?
- Hon, she was at our wedding.

- She was? I don't...
- Remember? Yeah.

Who do you think that
uniformed nurse was with?

- Right?
- Oh.

- Forgot about that.
- Honey, listen.

I want to bake you brownies.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

And I do not want to make you lemonade.

- I want that, too.
- Yeah.

When we got married, I took
your name because we're a team.

And I'm still Mike Levine-Young.

- I cook, I clean...
- Mm-hmm.

... and I make it happen
between the sheets.

- Yes, you do.
- That's who I am.

Oh, my goodness!

- Oh, it's okay.
- Boy, he is angry, huh?

No, this is him at a three.

Should we keep him?

- No, absolutely not.
- No, we won't.

- It's a bad idea.
- Yeah, I know.

Ugh!

- Mm.
- Mm.

Hmm-hmm.

No weighted blanket?

Mnh-mnh.

It's covered in weasel feces.

Mm.

Want me to put on your "Sounds
of the Upper West Side"?

No.

I like the sounds of Nebraska.

Mm.

W-Who's there?

Rudy!

What are you doing here?

I figured it's about time
I did my own laundry.

Yeah, but in our sink?

The washer and dryer
are in the basement.

I don't like being underground.

- Please tell me that's food.
- I hope not.

My underwear's in there.

Hot and fresh.

- Oh, wow.
- Wow.

Yeah. Right where we eat breakfast.

- Yep, there it is.
- Okay.