Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Return of Short Shorts - full transcript

- Yeah! There you go.
- Get over there.

There you go, some nourishment.
Ah-ah, Priyanka, ah!

I see you. You're picking
at those feathers again.

Gosh darn it.

I feel like she's gonna
need another massage.

- You sure?
- Well, look at her.

I feel like she could probably
live without a massage today.

- I don't know.
- I gave her one yesterday.

There you go, sweetheart.
Gonna get a massage.

Ooh.

Breathe with me. Ah, ah, ah, eh, ah.



She let it go. There it was.

Hon, I-I-I'm starting
to notice that you're getting

a little emotionally
attached to the fowl,

and since we're gonna be
selling them for meat soon,

maybe you should just maybe
emulate what I am doing,

which is keeping kind of
a professional distance

- with the chickens.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Very emotional.

Oh, oh! Heads up.

Beau's coming. Look busy farming.

He still doesn't think
we're real farmers.

- Well, I am farming.
- I know, you're doing a good job.

This is part of my regime.

Ohh, man.



- Hey, boys! Just caught us farming.
- Hey.

You, uh, singing lullabies

for your chickens, Mrs. Young?

It's actually Levine-Young,
so I go by Mrs. Levine-Young.

- I've seen you before.
- Oh, sure. Probably.

I used to come out here
a bunch when I was a kid.

- Yeah.
- Uh, Maggie was my aunt.

Yeah. This here's Short Shorts.

- No way.
- I remember that butt!

- What-what's "Short Shorts"?
- Oh, it's nothing, it's nothing.

When I was younger, I used to
wear shorts that, apparently,

- some felt were too short.
- Yeah. Too short?

Well, I saw this monstrosity
here on your property,

so I thought I'd bring the
boys by to check it out.

- Well, this is called a chicken tractor.
- Mm...

Looks like it was
built by the chickens.

Is that the door from Rudy's outhouse?

Joke's on you. Rudy
doesn't use an outhouse.

He's... He's using our bathroom
pretty, pretty often.

- A lot.
- Anyways, this door is great 'cause

we can put the feed in
without lifting up the whole coop.

And look, the birds, they look healthy.

Oh, look at this one here.

Oh, yum! Somebody shove
her in a fryer.

Mae? That's Mae. Yeah,
she-she's a cardio nut.

Yeah, you got all these
parts hanging out the bottom.

Oh, if this guy's so obsessed with
parts hanging out the bottom,

maybe you should get
into some short shorts.

Oh.

Oh, I can picture it.

That was very good.

- Thank you.
- Play it cool. Play it cool.

Good one.

When Beau brought up
Short Shorts, I thought,

"Oh, my goodness, this
is gonna be my identity

- here forever."
- No.

- But, you know, the other guys...
- Yeah.

I think they were seeing me as an equal.

How long do you think that you're
gonna be in with the Coffee Boys?

Ooh, well, I-I'd hate to put
a time limit on bonding, but...

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Oh, and speaking of bonding,

uh, you're spending a lot
of time with the chickens.

Uh, you called me
Priyanka last night in bed.

Well, at least I didn't
call you Courtney.

Yeah. Well, we
would've had a fight then. Boy.

I know, because Courtney sucks.

- Yeah.
- What is that? I mean,

even, like, her cluck.

- Mm.
- Her cluck sucks.

- She's so uppity.
- How can a cluck suck?

- Such a condescending cluck.
- I know!

That's exactly what it is.

Yes!

I guess I do need to
have some human friends.

- We all do.
- It's like, I feel like it's, like,

I have Constance, kind of,

but, like, anytime I ask
her questions or whatever,

she's like...

She's like, "Oh, you know." You know?

And I'm like, "No, I-I don't."

- Right.
- Like, I don't know.

I would love to-to know.

- It sucks.
- I'm gonna go hang with my boys.

Sweetie, did you, did you,
like, iron-press that shirt?

You've never done that for me.

Well, you're already my friend.

- That's true, we're really, like...
- I don't want to be late.

Okay, goodbye. Bye, have fun.

- Oh, good morning, Constance.
- Hey.

Hey, wow, it's really good to
see you. You look great.

Tell me everything.

Oh, you know.

Huh.

Do, I do... Um, well, um, you know,

me, on this end, gosh,
it's just been, like,

chickens, chickens,
chickens around the clock.

One of them really reminds me of my mom.

Speaking of moms, what's
the deal with your mom?

Like, what was she like?

Oh, you know.

Constance, hey!

Oh, hi, Miss Kay!

- That bulk rice come in yet?
- Yeah, it's over there.

So, Jacob, how is

that Future Farmers of
America project going?

I raised 250 chickens,
and I only lost 4.

One walked right into my barn fan.

It was...

- It was messy.
- Oh.

I had to throw out my pants. Yeah.

We're very excited
about his presentation.

But all of a sudden, Mr. Big Man here

doesn't want me cutting
his hair anymore.

Everyone else is going
to have real haircuts

and look swag as hell.

Sorry, but that's what people say now.

No, they don't. Who says that?

The cool people on the Internet.

Well, his mother has
perfectly good scissors,

and he wants to go the
two hours to Lincoln?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, if you cut it short on the side,

you'd probably get
those cheekbones to pop.

Please don't look at
my son's cheekbones.

Mom, everyone else is
gonna have cheekbones

that pop right out of their face!

Well, you can pop yours
right back in, mister.

No, I'm gonna sit there,
and they're gonna be like,

"Oh, there's Jacob, and
he has no cheekbones."

You can see your cheekbones fine.

I don't know why taking
a little bit of hair off

is gonna help anything.

Whew!

You can see the kind
of morning I'm having.

How are you?

I found mold on the lumber.

- Ohh, geez.
- Oh.

Well, we'll get out of your hair.

- Can you throw that on our tab?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Thanks.
- Mrs. Young.

Bye, Kay.

Wait, sorry. Like, what was that?

Why, Why'd you tell her about

the mold on your lumber and
you didn't tell me about that?

Well, you were talking
about chickens and your mama.

Was I talking too much? What?

We're thinking we're gonna sell the meat

and use the profits for
that to buy more chickens

and just keep that do-si-do going

until we've got a yard full
of chickens, fertilizing away.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Those birds are ready to be slaughtered.

Who do you guys use for
the-the slaughtering?

What?

Who do we use? What, do you
want somebody else to do it?

You're gonna pay somebody
else?

No, Mike. No, no, no, Mike.

With that few, it's just
best if you do it yourself.

D-Do it myself?

Uh...

If you're not gonna talk,
it doesn't mean you can start

getting handsy with the cans.

Oh, I was just rearranging,
'cause you had, like,

the fishing tackle right by the candy,

and I was like, "Oh.

Maybe we should take
the candy and..."

No, no, no, no, no.

- That, I just thought...
- No.

- No.
- The licorice stays.

- It's for a man.
- Wait, what? Who?

Oh, you know...

I swear to God, if you give
me an "oh, you know" right now,

it's like a dagger through my heart.

Please don't "oh, you
know" me right now.

Please?

Fine.

There's this man that
comes in here every day,

and he buys one piece of licorice...

- Just one?
- when clearly it's five for a dollar.

Yeah, it's five for a dollar.

And he's been doing
this for over a year.

Is it Rudy?

Ohh!

Let's get into it!

So I just, uh...

I just kill 'em?

Use a cone.

Less flapping, less yapping.

Get the cone, hatchet,

pop the chicken's head right in there.

Chop, boom, done.

Chop, boom, done.

Well, not really done.

I mean, there's gonna be
some twitching for a while.

- Kind of like it's dancing.
- Oh.

A violent, involuntary dance.

And the beauty of it is,
once you're done with that,

you get a whole new batch,
you do it all over again.

How do you... How
do you describe it, Ray?

An endless cycle of death.

Rudy's the type of man
that always makes sure

that you have good air
pressure in your tires.

I don't know how to drive and
I've never had a car, but I get it.

And he knows 50 or 60 wild bird calls.

- What?
- Yeah, come on, now!

That totally seems like

something essential for
a strong relationship.

He's like... He's like a big,
tall, male Snow White.

I love that.

Ugh...

- What's wrong?
- Oh, Rio, who am I kidding?

He probably still sees
me as Morris' wife.

Everybody else does.

What, M-Morris died,
what, six years ago now?

I haven't flirted with
a man in 40 years.

I wouldn't even know what to do.

You know, I mean, I-I could break out

- my hula hoop.
- This is where I shine.

I mean, I was voted biggest
flirt in my high school,

and it wasn't even my high school.

You know what I'm saying?
So, you got to just let me...

Hey, honey.

Yeah, no, I'm just talking to my friend,

so I'll, like, see you back
at the house, okay? So...

That's great. And, you know,
t-take your time coming home.

- Okay.
- A-and when you do,

just remember we love each other.

I love you, too...

- Okay.
- Okay.

Um, so, listen.

You have to ask questions,

be curious with each other,

and get to the why.

Oh! It's Rudy.

- Oh!
- Well, um, all right.

Morning, Constance.

Morning, Rudy.

Oh, licorice today?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, do you even like licorice?

I mean, you drive this long way

for one piece when it's
five-for-a-dollar deal.

You're right.

I'll take you up on that
five-for-a-dollar deal I was...

previously unaware of it.

I-I didn't mean that...

- I didn't mean...
- You know what?

I'll take me a whole bag.

A whole bag?

No, two.

You know what? Give me five.

Okay.

I guess with all this
licorice, I won't be...

I won't be seeing you for a while.

I guess not.

You take care, Constance.

I'm fine.

That did not go the way
that I thought it would.

- Connie, I'm sorry.
- Just go.

Just leave.

Come on, Mike.

You're a farmer now.

You eat chicken all the time.

Chop, boom, done.

Well, I really want the last
thing you hear to be beautiful.

Mee-yike!

Mee-yike!

What?

Did you just say my name?

Mee-yike!

- Are you saying "Mike?"
- Mike! What are you doing?!

- Huh?
- What are you doing?!

- I...
- What is the matter with you?

What...

Okay.

The Coffee Boys told
me I have to kill them myself.

I mean, Kent even gave me his cone.

What? Why would you need a cone?

To-to put the head in and
stabilize the neck for ch...

- I couldn't get the head in there!
- Oh, my God!

Mike, who are you?! Cones?!

Cones are for ice
cream, for happy times.

Honey, I have to kill them tonight.

I told the guys I was
gonna do it tonight.

This is about you and
Short Shorts, isn't it?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- You're afraid of being that person.

- This has nothing to do...
- You want to be Mr., like,

with Shorts Shorts.
If we don't kill it tonight,

- then when are we gonna kill it?
- Cool Coffee Boys guy.

You know what, honestly, I have

destroyed two people today,

and I need to talk to
Rudy and make things right.

Please hold Priyanka kindly

and try not to murder her, okay?

Because if she's not
here when I get back,

I will put your head in the cone.

Mom, I cleaned the
barn. Can I go play now?

Ooh, what's up, guy? Welcome to Floyd's.

You gonna look swag as heck
when I get done with you, boy.

Just like the other hype-beasts.

Hoo-hooo!

- Are you wearing my jeans?
- Yep.

They're kind of tight, which is
hard, you know, hard for me.

Mom, what, what's happening?

Well, I can't take you
the two hours to Lincoln,

so I'm bringing Lincoln to you.

Uh, what if my haircut
doesn't look like the kids

who actually, you
know, did go to Lincoln?

The little boy whose hair
I cut in this very kitchen

didn't care what those
other kids thought.

You're Jacob Bowman!

Who else in the world can say that?

Grandpa?

Just sit down and let me cut your hair.

This is a magic moment, and you're...

- crapping all over it.
- I'm...

Oh!

Start with a scalp massage.

Good morning.

Hey, Theresa. Hi.

- I wouldn't.
- Okay.

I brought you some coffee here.

Oh, Rudy.

Listen...

Anything that's happened
between you and Constance

is solely my fault.

- What's done is done.
- Well, things can be undone.

I mean, you know,

I had bangs for a whole summer,

and look at me now. Just long layers.

It took me a year to get
this far with Constance.

It's gonna take me 10 years to get back.

10 years? Rudy, go back to the store,

buy some more licorice. Come on.

And have her think I ate five
bags of licorice in one day?

She'd think I was a man consumed
by my own basest instincts.

Okay. What if someone
came into your barn,

and they started taking your licorice?

- Give me that.
- Rudy,

what would you have to do

if you, all of a sudden,
had none licorice?

With Constance?

Oh, you're a clever one.

Yeah. So, look,

I'm taking all your candy.

Careful, I may have to
get one of my guns.

Okay.

You have... You have guns?
How many guns do you have?

You mean loaded and nearby?

Yeah, you know what? We
don't even have to get into it.

- It's not something that I want to...
- Four.

- Great. It's...
- I got Betsy...

- Okay...
- Timothy...

- I don't need to...
- Maclovio...

- H-honestly, it's good.
- And Jessica.

Now, this is a
cacao almond creamer.

It's soy-free and dairy-free.

Oh, Mike, this is wonderful.

You kill those chickens yet, Mike,

or did they spend the night
braiding your wife's hair?

Actually, the chickens are dead.

I killed them all.

Just lined 'em up and... coned 'em.

Coned 'em good.

Well, then...

I'd like to buy some chicken meat.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing sweeter than a neighbor's meat.

I don't think he actually
slaughtered those chickens, Kent.

I think Mike is lying to us.

How many you want?

- One's fine.
- Mm-hmm.

Would you like that chicken in a bag,

or you want me to slap
it raw into your hand?

I think it goes without saying.

You don't slap anything
raw into my hand.

But I can come by now and get it.

That all right?

- Honey.
- Yeah?

I think I fixed everything with Rudy.

Oh, cool, cool.

So, uh, I told the Coffee
Boys I killed the chickens.

- What?!
- And Beau's on his way over

to buy a chicken from us, like, now.

- Like now, now?
- Okay, all right, listen.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry. You were right.

I was trying to fit in,

I wanted them to forget
about Short Shorts,

but I don't think you understand

just how short these shorts were.

- They... They called a town meeting.
- Oh.

- Because it was the '90s, so...
- Wait, it was the '90s?

- Yes, I was deep into my teens.
- Okay.

- These shorts were incredible.
- They were?

The way they made my thighs feel...
It was... I just felt powerful.

- Ooh, okay.
- I could just jump over anything...

- You could. You still can.
- It was just so...

- But I can't be that guy anymore.
- No.

And if I can't kill all
these chickens, I'm done.

- They're gonna give me a new nickname.
- Ah!

It's gonna be even
worse than Short Shorts!

Oh, God, it's gonna be, like,
Chicken Bitch or something like that.

Yes, of course, Chicken
Bitch! That's exactly right.

I got it. I think I
know exactly what to do.

- Ah.
- But I want you to calm down.

You're gonna kill the chickens for me?

- Thank you.
- No, sweetie, no.

- What?
- God, no.

We're gonna hide them in the house.

- In the house. Come on.
- Come on.

- Beaks to tail, beaks to tail.
- Come on, in the house.

- Look, she just pooped herself.
- I don't speak chicken.

- Don't make me regret not killing you.
- Hey, Courtney!

This is not always about
you and what you want.

Okay, up, up, up, up the stairs.

- Come on, Sinead, Solange.
- Make 'em go down.

Malala, Kamala, all the Malalas

and the Lalas. Up, up, up.

Go down, down, down.
No, no, down, down, down.

You're confusing them.

They're here.

Okay, listen.

- All of you, be quiet!
- Shh!

- Especially you, Courtney.
- Ah!

Be a team player for once in your life.

Listen to your father!

- Hey.
- Hey, the Coffee Boys are here.

The Coffee Boys?

- Oh, nothing. That's a...
- Is that... Nothing.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Here for my chicken.

- Of course.
- Oh, well, of course. Yes, yes, yes.

Here's your... your chicken.

- Chicken in a bag.
- As you wish.

Well, I'll be damned.

I did not believe you.

I had this visual of you among them,

sobbing, crying,

and then coming out and
lying to us about it.

Oh, well, that's okay.
Water over a bridge.

Yeah. Or under it.

- You know, just depends.
- Either/or, you can say it.

It's water under the bridge.

I say "over," but some
people are saying "under."

- Yeah, whatever. We all do it.
- Doesn't matter.

- Yeah, anyway.
- Anyways, have a great one.

- Yeah, have a beautiful evening.
- You might want to think about

doing, like, a salt-and-pepper dry rub

- on that.
- What's in your window?

My what? Excuse us?

Did you give me a frozen chicken?

Hon, did you give him a frozen chicken?

Oh, my God, great, the cops are here.

Well, it's just Connie. She's...

Hiya. Welcome.

Rudy, do you see the woman
that stole all your licorice?

Yes, it was the Rio one.

Miss Rio, come with me.

No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on. You're not
really gonna arrest her.

It worked, Rio. I did
exactly what you said.

Come on, girl.

- This is not what I meant, Rudy.
- Come on, Missy.

- I'll call an attorney.
- Ow.

I'll call our attorney.

- Honey, look behind you.
- What?

Chickens.

Oh! Um... uh...

Oh, well...

Well, I know what this
probably looks like,

but, uh, this is a totally
different group of chickens.

So...

Thanks for stopping by,
guys. Have a good one.

I waive my right to remain silent.

- I figured.
- Listen, I'm so sorry

about the Rudy thing. I...

Constance, I was trying
to be your friend,

- a-and...
- Rio, I used to talk to chickens, too.

- You did?
- I had full conversations

- and everything.
- They're good listeners, right?

You know, when Morris and I
moved here after we got married,

you know, he always
worked at the store, and...

- Yeah...
- the chickens were my confidants.

- Yeah, I get it.
- You know?

But then something happened.

What, you lied to everyone
that you killed them

and then everyone found
out and it was a whole mess?

- No.
- Okay.

I learned that people will
come to you in their own time.

There's not a whole lot of
people here in Bucksnort.

And if you don't kill anyone,
you might make some friends.

Honestly, even then.

Got it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'll take it slow.

And, um...

I'm really sorry about the Rudy thing.

I won't bring him up again.

I like talking about Rudy.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I can tell you do.
- Yeah, he's... he's pressing charges against you,

so you'll have a rap
sheet, and I'll get to spend

- another hour taking his statement.
- Oh. Oh.

That's a... That's the upside.

Uh, Jacob, thank you so much for
taking our chickens with yours.

I mean, I do feel somewhat better

knowing that they're not gonna
be processed alone, you know?

Please, I love to help, okay?

And if slaughtering is
involved, even better.

Am I right?

Oh, oh!

You want to see my cheekbones pop?

Yeah, sure.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh.

- Okay. That's a...
- Oh... Yes.

- abrupt cut.
- Very blunt.

I-I know it's not as fancy
as those other kids' haircuts,

but who cares what people think?

I'm Jacob Bowman.

- Who else in the world can say that?
- My dad.

Let's go.

Ugh...

Mm...

I can't watch.

Mike, Mike, they know it.

They know what's happening to them.

Look in their eyes. I can see it.

Oh, my God.

- Ah, damn it!
- Yeah?

Oh!

Stop! Beau!

- Whoo! Go get our girls!
- Beau! Stop!

I want my chickens back.

- What?
- I want my chickens back.

I want my chickens back.

I changed my mind, okay?

I'm not like you, Beau.

You can make fun of me. You
can call me Chicken Bitch.

- What?
- But I love these chickens.

I love every single one of 'em.

I like Priyanka's whimsy.

I like Nora's strength.

I like Trixie's majestical glare.

And I'll even find something
to like about Courtney.

Good lord, boy.

- Take 'em!
- Yeah? Okay.

Girls, I'm coming! Daddy's coming!

Well, we couldn't tell
which ones were ours,

so we just bought 'em all.

This is definitely a Halle.

This is a Brigitte, obvious...
I mean, that's obvious.

But that's a Halle.

That's a Naomi.

You can dress her up all you want,

but she'll never be a lady.

Oh, my goodness.

Hon! What?

This is why Courtney
was being such a jerk.

- Look at that.
- Oh, my gosh!

What a beautiful, beautiful genius.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, there's two of 'em!

- She's a prodigy.
- She had twins.

Okay, is it possible they didn't know

where eggs came from before this?

Think about it. We're
sitting on a gold mine.

This is incredible.

Girl? Yeah?

- Somebody ordered the prime rib?
- This girl.

What?

Oh, my God. They are th... so small.

They do something to me where
I just feel so confident.

Can you bend down in those?

Premium, Grade A. USDA.

Oh, my God.