Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - In Hot Water - full transcript

I'm so excited to sell some eggs.

Last night, I found 56
in their little coop!

RIO: I know. I checked this morning,

and there were, like, five dozen.

Sitting on a gold mine!
All right, you ready?

- Uh, yeah.
- One... two... three!

[RUMBLING]

And one, two, three.

[RUMBLING]

Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

- We're so in sync, baby.
- Like a Swiss timepiece.



Yeah. Oh, what's this
oatmeal soap? This is cute.

I have not bought oatmeal soap,

so I would drop whatever

- you're holding.
- Oh.

[SCREAMS] Cold! Cold, cold, cold,

- cold, cold, cold!
- What was that explosion?

I don't know. What was that?

- Is it the hot water heater?
- [SCREAMS]

Get out now! Save yourself!

I can't! I haven't shaved
my pits in, like, two weeks!

I don't care about that.

No, I'm doing it for me.

But thank you for
being so body positive.

Mom, the water heater's broken,
so we're taking old-timey baths.



- It's really cool.
- Rio, you need a warm shower.

Cousin Emily took cold showers.

Now she's got adult acne.

We've got 12 pots of water.

That's all it takes just
to fill it up ankle level.

It's kind of romantic just, like,

soaking in each other's broth, you know?

Oh, hey. It's my mom. [HUSHED]

[HUSHED] Oh, wow, how exciting.

[NORMAL VOICE] Mom, I-I have
to go because Mike's waiting.

Mike's waiting.

King Mike who dragged
you to live in Nebraska

in his castle made of garbage?!

I will send him your best.

- All right, bye.
- [WATER BOILING]

Did she, uh, say some
nasty stuff about me?

- No.
- She does not like me.

Stop it. She loves you.

[BOILING CONTINUES]

Okay, who's going first?

- [GROANS]
- Ha ha.

[SIGHS] This is actually
really beautiful out here.

It's just... I feel like
it's quaint, you know?

Like, this is how you should...

[SCREAMS]

Oh, my God, we need to
fix the water heater!

Right now!

Look, we can get a new water heater

if we tap into the savings.

- Mm.
- But we don't have any.

- Sure.
- So here's my pitch.

- Uh-huh.
- The hens are... are laying eggs,

and we can take them to
the farmers' market...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

I could dust off the old therapy jersey

and look for some therapy patients here.

You know, it's like, obviously,
I left that in New York, but...

That's a great idea.

I'm a little nervous how
many takers you'd have.

We could obviously always
ask my mom for some help.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't need to do that.

But what do I... what do I know?

I bet therapy would work well here.

You really don't want my mom to help.

I guess I just thought, when
we moved 1,500 miles away,

that she would be, you know,

a little less involved in our lives.

And that I would be, you know, free.

- Free?
- Well, no, not... not that word.

- Love, when you married me...
- Yeah.

You married my mom.

I mean, that became very clear

when she did vows at our ceremony.

She didn't do vows at our
ceremony. She... She had a...

poem that she wanted to
read that was ill-timed.

[CELLPHONE RINGS, VIBRATES]

Oh, boy. Here she is.

Listen, I-I-I think it's time for us

to stand on our own two feet, okay...

- Okay...
- ... and do this on our own.

We... We got to tell Donna no.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead
and let you do that.

All right.

Hi, Donna. Uh, I'm
answering Rio's phone.

Mike, I need to confirm the address

for the water-heater delivery.

The guy said he can't find
"Dirt Road" on his apps.

Oh, you know, that's so generous of you

to offer a water heater, but, um...

- Take the water heater...
- ... no.

- Excuse me?
- We're gonna handle it ourselves.

Oh. Okay.

Well, absolutely.

No problem, Mike.

Goodbye.

[HORNS HONKING]

Well... Donna's. Been. Handled.

Good. Luck. With. That.

Oy.

Well, you see, I want my
booth to be simple but catchy,

so I'm gonna go with "The Egg Man."

- What do you think?
- "The Egg Man." I like it.

- Yeah.
- Haunting visual. Sticks with you.

Mm, good.

[SIGHS] You guys done yet?

You know, I-I got to
get to my scrapbooking.

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

You may have just observed
me hiding from Constance.

Things have been a little
awkward with us lately.

Oh, just lately they got awkward?

Yeah, she asked me out. I said no.

I've been trying to get
her to ask me out again,

but she won't take the bait.

Well, look, buddy. You
just got to keep trying.

She'll be back on that
Rudy hook in no time.

That's a little graphic,
Mike. I don't care for it.

No, no, I was just building
on your "bait" metaphor...

- the... the...
- That'll do, Mike.

Okay, listen.

You got to get your head in the game.

- Okay.
- It's show time.

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

Constance.

Rudy.

Mike and I are going to the
farmers' market in Lincoln.

Can I purchase you anything?

Well, if you see something
that I might like.

- Oh.
- Will do.

- There we go.
- [BELL DINGS]

Oh, hey, husband.

- You got your flyers?
- Yeah.

- Oh, wow, they're great.
- Thanks.

- Yeah, good luck.
- Thanks, honey. You, too.

- Mm.
- Okay.

No, Rudy, we're not there.

- Okay.
- We are not there.

Hey, do these work?

I sort of need them to work, so...

"Do you know what's
wrong with you? I do!"

Yeah, it's more, "Do you
know what's wrong with you?

Don't worry about it"...
That's the subtext... "I do."

Is that for therapy?

Yeah. I mean, if you
don't like that one,

this one is, "Do you cry at night?

- Try doing it during the day."
- No.

"Got a screw loose? Let me tighten it."

Rio, are you looking for people

who like talking about themselves?

Desperately, yes.

Ever scrapbooked?

What?

- ... like scalloped.
- Who's got the snowflake tape?

Got to check out these
decorative scissors, Deb.

- Look at that.
- Oh, I love that little braid.

You know, what is truly shocking

is that you brought Rio, Constance.

Mostly because I didn't invite her.

Oh, I'm... like, I can hear
you, Kay, when you say that.

- I know.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- I'm here because I wanted to ask...
- The theme is "vacation."

Did you bring some vacation pictures?

Oh, uh, vacation, huh?

Well, I brought two photos...

You brought two photos to scrapbooking?

Well, that's not a book.
That's just scraps!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Look, I-I'm not sure if
you ladies, uh, know this,

but I-I'm actually a
licensed therapist...

[SOFTLY] Does anybody have the glitter?

- What?
- No one can hear

anything you say, Clara.

I would love to offer my services,

see if anyone was interested in

paying to have someone listen
to them or provide insight...

People pay to talk to you?

- Uh, yes.
- So I could've been

charging this whole time?

[LAUGHS] You owe me $40.

You owe me $50.

You owe me thousands of dollars.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- Uh, Miss Rio?
- Yes?

Do you want me to dry your page for you?

- Oh, uh, sure, yes.
- Yeah?

- Okay.
- I think. Is that a...

Yeah, I'm the dryer to... today.

- Oh, my God.
- [THUD]

- Jacob.
- Huh?

Why are you shaking?

Did you have too many cookies?

Okay, Mom, don't you have to...

- Is he diabetic?
- No.

Nope.

Linda, oh, my God,
look at how much glitter

you're putting around your photo.

I could never put that
much sparkle on myself.

Sometimes even just the
glue stick is a bit sassy.

- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- Why do you think that is?

Just dull cardboard borders,
just fine for old Deb.

You know, we call
that negative self talk

when we talk o-ourselves down.

I sort of feel like you
are a sparkly unicorn.

You know what I mean?

[SCOFFS] A unicorn?

Is that the kind of thing
you talk about in therapy?

I thought it was like,

"I had a dream about a talking
dog. What does it mean?"

Hmm, depends what the dog's saying.

- Rio, dear...
- Yes?

... please don't peddle your wares here.

U-Uh, nothing personal.
We had to shut Clara down

when she was pushing
those insane necklaces

made out of bunny bones.

Oh, and then there were sea horses.

- What?
- Sea horses.

Oh, God.

I mean, no one is gonna pay you
to tell us what our dreams mean.

Every dream I have, I'm
the Queen of England,

and... and I'm married
to a pile of money.

Case closed.

Do you guys want to
see my head on a cat?

Deb, are you still working on that page

about our trip to Okoboji?

- Yes, yep, yep.
- Girl!

That's the summer of '97.

I remember when we...

Aww, it's Morris.

I haven't seen this
picture in a very long time.

You know, I-I saw some... some
coconut stickers somewhere,

and I, uh... I'm gonna go
get them. I'll be right back.

- Oh, boy!
- [GASPS]

Sorry. Uh...

Kay locks me in here
until scrapbooking's done.

I can't go back until
the timer goes off.

[SIGHS, SNIFFS]

Uh, meat kebab?

[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]

I've got five.

There's only one of me.

Or two of us. [CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I'm looking for a
gift for a lady sheriff

who's also the proprietor of a store.

I got some gouda.

Okay, I don't know what that
is, but I know it's not cheese.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.

Hey. Okay, okay. Hello!

Mike, so nice to see your face.

- Where... Where are you?
- [GRUNTS]

A-At the gym, or... Are you on a boat?

Circuit training.

Listen, my sister's
daughter's orthodontist

has a son at the University of Nebraska.

Name is Seth.

Studying to be a computer engineer.

Did you know the starting
salary for a computer engineer

is a million bucks?

I don't think that
could be right, Donna.

What do you know? So I could
have him down there in a flash,

help you sell the eggs.

Well, that is a white-hot offer,

but you can tell that geek to
go ahead and stay home.

I've got everything here under control.

- DANIKA: Hey! Excuse me, sir?
- What's happening?

- Egg Man!
- Yeah?

- What are you doing here?
- Me?

- What's happening, Mike?
- Or maybe not. Anyways, I got to go.

Beautiful bicep work.

[SIGHS] Am I doing this right?

Hi. You can't just set
up wherever you want.

Look, I-I-I'm sorry. I thought it was

kind of like first-come, first-serve.

So, w-where do you have us?

Farm-fresh eggs.

- Get your farm-fresh eggs.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

Ohh!

Oh, my gosh! Ohh!

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [KNOCK ON TABLE]

Hey.

I think they sent someone
to get more toilet paper.

I don't know when they're gonna be back.

Um, I'm looking for The Egg Man.

Oh! Ha, yes!

- I'm The Egg Man!
- Hi.

Oh, this is so exciting.

How many, uh, cartons can I get you?

- Uh... Two?
- I'll take all your eggs.

You want all the eggs.
Well, you can have 'em.

Yeah. There's, uh,
$400 in this envelope.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my... four... wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nebraska... Donna must have sent you.

- You're Seth, aren't you?
- No.

Oh, really? What do you
think of the, uh, dark web?

It's the one true Internet.

Yeah, I knew it.

That's such a textbook
computer-geek answer.

Listen, Don... Donna's
not gonna buy me off.

You take your money. I
don't want your filthy money.

- No, take the money.
- No, no, you take...

Hey, hey, hey. Give me these eggs!

- Put those eggs down!
- I want your eggs!

- DANIKA: Hey!
- Seth, put the eggs down!

She said she'd help
with my student loans!

Are you... Are you shoving kids?

Don't let those braces fool you.

He was sent by a woman in New York,

- and he's trying to buy all my eggs!
- Okay, pack up, you're done.

Our security guy's getting fresh juice,

but he'll be back in 15,
and he's gonna kick your ass.

Doesn't sound very farmers' market-y.

Do you remember, uh, the time
Morris bought that waffle maker?

Yeah, he was waffling everything
that shouldn't be waffled.

How about the time...
remember he had drank

six Long Island Iced Teas

before he realized there
was booze in them? [LAUGHS]

Yes, I found him fully clothed
in our shower the next day.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- You have any 3s?
- Ah! Yes.

It's good to talk about Morris.

He was a good friend.

I miss him.

Well, you're lucky to have Kay,

someone who really knows you.

You know?

You ever feel like the person
you've known your whole life

is really just a stranger?

I'm just kidding. [CHUCKLES]

Do you have any 9s?

You wish. Go fish!

- [GROANS]
- [LAUGHS]

- Okay.
- Yeah, buster.

- So, "I... deserve..."
- I... deserve... this sticker!

RIO: Exactly.

I deserve love, and I deserve happiness.

And I... And I just put
a sticker on my face!

- [GIGGLES]
- That's very sparkly.

And it feels good, right?

- Give me one of those flyers.
- It feels really good.

- Yeah, I'll take a flyer, too.
- Yeah?

Kay, you've got to
let her do your pages.

Rio, um, can I just
talk to you for a second?

- Of course, like...
- Thank you.

... I totally get it. You
keep all that glitter up.

[DEB GIGGLING]

Mrs. Olsen is a good friend of mine.

- Oh, okay.
- And she has really desperately

needed someone to talk to ever
since her brother moved to Venice

- to row those Italian boats.
- Oh, gondolas.

I told her you'd be over A.S.A.P.

- Oh, now.
- So just ride your bike

down Old Trail...

- Old Trail...
- and then you're gonna turn on

- Elkhorn Lake Road...
- Elkhorn Lake Road.

- ... and then you'll see it.
- When I come back...?

- Yeah?
- Do you mind seating me

- by Clara?
- Sure.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hi, Mike. Did you sell any eggs yet?

Well, zero, but it's not my fault.

Your mother infiltrated
the farmers' market.

Oh, it's my mom's fault? Cool.

Well, I'm heading to see
a potential new client,

but I think I'm a little lost.

I'm on Elkhorn Lake Road.

I'm about to turn off
right now, all right?

No, no, no, don't... don't
turn off of Elkhorn Lake Road.

Why? I already did it.

Elkhorn Lake Road is
named after Elkhorn Lake,

- which is right on the edge of...
- [SCREAMING]

- H-Honey?
- [SCREAMING]

- Rio, w-what's happening? Are you okay?
- Back pedal, back pedal!

There's a lake!

Rio! Oh, my God!

- [GASPING]
- Honey, honey!

Rio. Rio? Rio? Rio?

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Oh, hello?

- You know Rio's in a lake, right?
- Yes, I know...

That just happened.
How do you know that?

I track her phone, dumb nuts.

Now, I'm dialing her right
now, and I'm merging calls.

No, Donna, I don't need you
involved in this right now.

- Do not merge us.
- I'm merging.

- Don't merge. Don't...
- I merged. I merged.

- Mom? Mike?
- Honey, are you okay?

Do not swallow lake water.

- There are parasites!
- What?

Donna, do you see how
you're complicating this?

- Let me check on my... Honey...
- I don't understand

- Are you okay?
- the words you're saying. Hello.

Tell your husband to respect me!

Donna, I need you to buzz
off and leave us alone, okay?!

Stop it! Both of you!

You are driving me crazy right now.

You are the two people that
I love the most in the world,

so just shut up and figure it out.

Ohh, God.

Disgusting.

[DISTORTED] Hello, Rio, are you...

What? Oh, wow, you, uh, really
didn't hit the brakes, did you?

Nope, I did not.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on.

My sorority pulled much worse pranks.

- Really?
- Yeah, one time they

sold me on eBay for a dollar.

[CHUCKLING] It was funny.

Was it?

Anyway, I'm so sorry that no
one will pay to talk to you.

It's okay. [CHUCKLES]

I just... I realized that I
really miss helping people.

It's, like... It's, like, the one thing

I'm really... I'm really
good at, you know?

That and debate.

But I feel like my mom probably paid off

most of the kids to lose.

But a person who sends another
person into a pond of manure,

of just ass poo, is
hiding a lot of pain.

I'm gonna go home.

There's something in my shoe...

and, uh, it's alive.

Oh.

MIKE: Listen. Sorry about
before, but Rio's mad.

We got to do better. I'll go first.

You know, I get upset
when you offer us stuff

because I feel like
you don't believe in me.

- That's not what I'm saying.
- Come on.

I know you don't like
me. You can say it.

You know what?

You're right. I don't
really like you that much.

Yes! See?! Oh!

The truth... it feels so good, right?

I don't like your whole vibe, you know?

"Everything's gonna be great
if only we love each other!"

- That whole thing annoys me.
- Mmm.

- You're too tall.
- What can I do about that?

Why does a person need to be that tall?

And you're way overconfident

- with your restaurant recommendations.
- Okay. Fantastic.

Now I know how you feel,
and you know how I feel,

so in the future, if we
need help, we'll reach out.

How's that sound?

Ugh, they put so much
mayonnaise in this egg salad.

This is disgusting.

- I asked you to leave an hour ago.
- Mike?

Clarence is ready to
forcibly remove you.

- And we're dating...
- Where did you go?

... so he will protect me with his life.

Wait a minute. Who's that?
Somebody's kicking you out?

- Let me talk to them.
- No, Donna, we just went over this.

If... If I need your help...

Actually, you're on with Danika.

Enjoy.

Hello.

I'm the person who's gonna shut you down

for violating every major
health code, Danika.

You don't want a piece of this, baby.

I get full refunds for
things I didn't even buy...

including automobiles!

I get pilots kicked off of planes.

I'm the reason you can only leave
three reviews a day on Yelp.

Believe me, young lady, I
am not to be trifled with.

[CHUCKLES]

[WATER RUNNING]

Knock, knock! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- [WATER STOPS]
- Oh, sorry. You know what?

I thought you might want this, so, um,

I don't know what a bat mitzvah is,

but the photo was amusing.

Can I come in?

Um, yeah.

Here.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

[BOOK THUDS]

Rio, I'm so sorry that I sent
you into that poo-poo pond.

Oh, so there was manure in it, right?

Oh, yeah, a lot. But as long
as you closed your mouth

when you went in, you should be fine.

Right.

You know what, Kay? Don't even sweat it.

I feel like everyone, at
some point in their life,

gets sent into a poo-poo
pond of some sort.

Do you ever feel like
you're just covered in poo?

Like, not literal poo, but
kind of... emotional poo?

Only all the time.

Whew.

Kay, uh, would you, um...

want to do a therapy
session, just you and me?

- Okay, no way.
- Okay.

- What are you talking about?
- I-I just...

That's only for, you know,
people on Twitter or sad people.

But I could maybe just do a, um...

maybe like a one-on-one
"scrapbooking session"?

Oh.

Yes.

- Okay, I brought my kit.
- Great.

Before we do the scrapbooking page

about the family reunion
where I cooked for 25 people

and not one person said "thank you,"

I just want to make sure
that everything that happens

in scrapbooking stays between us.

Oh, yeah, this is a private
scrapbooking session.

- Protected by HIPAA.
- Okay, good.

So, the first things first,

I am gonna fix your water heater.

- Oh.
- You need to take a shower.

You smell like hot mayonnaise.

- You know how to do that?
- Where is it?

- It's over here.
- Okay, great.

- Oh, God! Rio!
- I'm sorry, it's...

[BELL DINGS]

Constance.

I brought you something back
from the farmers' market.

Oh.

Thank you.

The sales lady said that
women have reclaimed that word,

that now it embodies female empowerment.

She also said that it's pronounced,

"that bitch" or "that bitch!"

[SIGHS]

Yeah, uh, thank you.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I hoped you'd like it,

but I realized I don't
know what you like.

I don't know much about you at all.

Yeah, I suppose you don't.

But not getting to know you,

that would be one of
my greatest regrets.

You know, I-I was thinking about

going to the county
fair in a couple weeks.

And maybe you could come with me?

Oh, I would like that
very much, Constance.

Good.

Because I am... that bitch.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Huh?

Okay.

Ooh, baby. [LAUGHS]

♪ All I ask, baby ♪

♪ I love you so, oh, yeah ♪

♪ And I'd never, pretty baby ♪

♪ I'd never let you... ♪

[SEDUCTIVELY] Hello.

I hope I'm not misreading your cues but,

do you want to do some sex stuff

against the broken hot water heater?

[CHUCKLES]

It's fixed.

- No!
- [LAUGHS] Yes.

No, who fixed it?!

I worked something out
with my new therapy patient!

- [GASPS] You got a patient?!
- Yes!

Oh, I have so many
guesses who it could be.

- Tell me.
- I can't.

- Oh, so much integrity.
- You know.

- Such a good therapist.
- [CHUCKLES]

Honey, I want to talk
to you about something.

What?

I am genuinely sorry about my mom.

- I feel like...
- No, no, no, no, no. I am sorry.

- No.
- I-I'm sorry about your mom.

And we had a breakthrough today.

- You did?
- She told me she doesn't like me!

- [CHUCKLES] She sugarcoated it!
- Yeah!

And she promised to
call a little bit less.

- All right, well...
- Yes.

- What the hell are you guys doing?
- Oh, my gosh.

- My mom is in your pants.
- I forgot.

I was afraid to hang up 'cause,
you know, she gets so angry.

No, that adds up. M-Mom...

- Rio, are you there?
- H-Hi.

Your husband is very needy,

but we'll talk about that on Sunday.

Okay. I... I love you.

At least you guys still have chemistry.

G-Good hearing from you.

Put you there.

My number-one smokeshow.

Yeah, that feels right.

Jacob, what are you doing?

Mom, it's nothing! God!

Just leave me alone!

- Ugh!
- [DOOR SLAMS]