Black Monday (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Violent Crooks and Cooks of Books - full transcript

Previously on
Black Monday.

Blair layeth down
with my husband,

Congressman Roger Harris.

I mean, I do everything at TBD,

but Blair's too busy getting
the credit to say thanks.

You know, I'd love
to introduce you to my dad.

He's always looking
for investment opportunities.

- Who's your daddy?
- Pastor Newell Swafford.

Do you share his views?

Well,
not his views on Roger.

Ever since we met,
he hated him.



This is my dick.
This is not my dick.

Wayne!
Rubber room, now!

I need your chunk
of Amerisavings.

I found Mo.
He is off our books for good.

- Okay.
- Oh.

This kinda gets me all
the revenge I need, Keith.

Now I'm going to Kokomo.

A deadly shoot-out
tore through a busy branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Stop saying the goddamn name!

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- No, no.

That one's for Lenny.
Sorry.



Wasn't enough for everyone.

Okay, let's catch up.

Three weeks ago,
a violent shoot-out

took place at a Florida branch
of Amerisavings & Loan,

which is a joint investment
between Leighman Brothers

and The TBD Group.

The shooting left
six people dead,

one person sort
of a warm slush,

and the overall
investment worthless.

Dennis, does that line up
with your notes?

I had six dead,

one person essentially
spilled stew,

and the investment,
"dog shit."

Updating my notes.

Now, your client initially
accused my clients

of engaging in
a secret conspiracy

to somehow "fuck me again like

the shit-breathing lie monsters
you are"

and threatened to trigger
his "Pants on Fire" clause

which would instantly refund
the Leighman investment

and bankrupt The TBD Group.

That's right.

Thankfully,
cooler heads prevailed

and a lengthy investigation
concluded that the massacre

was simply an act of God.

- Old Testament God.
- Certainly.

New Testament God
has softened up a little bit.

Your priorities shift
when you become a dad.

It's so true.

Ah, see how easy this is?

I told you,
with Mo out of the picture,

we can finally do business
like adults.

Mm.

Now, let's clean up
this mess-acre.

Mess-acre!

Now, I'm working with
my congressional contacts

to make sure we get
a fat bailout.

It shouldn't be too hard
to siphon some public

library funding
to keep us on our feet,

but my real question is,

how do we rehab
Amerisavings' image?

Yes.
Make Amerisavings Great Again.

I think the real issue here
is guns.

I think this whole thing
could have been avoided

if the world just
had more of them.

- It's rock-solid logic, Larry.
- Yeah, it's true, it's true.

That's why I'm also
pressuring Congress

to loosen conceal carry laws
in Florida.

while visiting any branch
of Amerisavings & Loan,

you'll be provided
with a loaded firearm.

Yeah, I thought of that,
but it's not cost-effective.

How's that?

People are gonna steal
those guns

like they steal pens.

Unless...

That's brilliant!
Dawn, with the chain!

I love it!

You know,
you are absolutely right.

With Mo finally gone,

it has been a pleasure
doing business with you.

- Aww, thank you.
- Aww, well, thanks.

Yo, yo!
What'd I miss?

Anybody sitting here?

I'm gonna kill him!
I'll shoot him in the head!

Give me the goddamn gun!

- Please, Larry!
- Give me the gun!

- Goddamn chain!
- Larry!

Hey, calm down,
brother fucker.

I mean, my deepest condolences.

I can only imagine the pain
of losing my best friend.

With benefits.

Fuck, I knew it!
I fucking knew it!

I knew it, I knew it,
I knew it!

I knew all you assholes were
still working together

to fuck me!

- No!
- You're a snake,

you're a snake,
and you're a fucking snake!

- No, wait.
- Eh!

Mo, what the fuck
are you doing here?

I swear, Larry,
this is not what it looks like.

No, Dawn.
You know what it looks like?

It looks like I'm about
to trigger my...

what is it again, Dennis?

- Uh, "Pants on Fire" clause.
- Pants on Fi... really?

"Pants on Fire"?
That's where we landed?

- It's not bad.
- Fuck it.

It doesn't matter.
I'm triggering it.

You got 12 hours to return
my $20 million.

- That's it!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Come on, Dennis.
- Larry!

- Larry!
- Fuck you!

Mm,
that was uncomfortable.

So, miss me?

- What in the fuck, Mo?
- I'm back, baby.

From where?
An unlicensed salon?

Yeah, before we call 911 to
haul your ass back to prison,

what's with your look, bro?

You look like
a polluted waterfall.

I will have you know this
is a very popular hairstyle.

You look like you got
reverse electrocuted.

Don't try to play along, Alvin.

You wanna talk about hair,
Dawn?

I saw your little spread
in the Journal.

Very bush league.

As in your bush is in
a league of its own.

Professional.

- Fuck you!
- Okay, fuck this.

- You're going back to prison.
- Again!

Okay, well,
before you call the cops,

you may wanna check out
my little article.

How the fuck did you get off?

Well,
A, Blair,

Black Monday didn't have
anything to do with me.

That was y'all,
and B,

yeah, I cut Jammer loose.

To save your life,
by the way.

You're welcome.

Which is why cops
ruled it self-defense.

Dawn should have
warned you, Blair.

It may take me a while,
but I always get off.

Eww.
The fuck are you doing here?

What happened to all that shit
you were talking about,

wanting to leave the game?

Eh, changed my mind.

I thought you said
you handled him.

I thought I handled him!

What are we working with here?

- Cherry.
- Ooh!

- You mind if I get involved?
- No objection.

You fucked us, Mo!

Larry is never gonna believe

we weren't secretly
working together

to screw him over.
He's gonna ruin us.

No, it's okay.
You know what?

Bankruptcy,
it's... it's not that bad.

We'll restructure
our debt

and we'll come out
even stronger.

It'll be a bumpy ride,
but you know,

every great company has
a couple of chapter 11s

- under their belt.
- Shut the fuck up real quick.

- Whoa, what?
- Whoa, whoa.

What if we just raise
enough money

to pay back the Leighman,

then raise enough money
to pay off the investors

we got the money from
to pay off the Leighman?

Then raise enough money
to pay off the investors

we got the money from
to pay off the investors

we got the money from
to pay off the Leighman.

That's literally
a Ponzi scheme.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's a buying time scheme,

and it's not a scheme.

It's a plan to stay afloat
until I have my next big idea.

Wow, he really is a Wiz
of Wall Street.

You fucking too?

Black Monday was my idea.
My idea!

One of you is describing
literal fraud,

and the other
is demanding credit

for global financial terrorism.

As your attorney,

I have to advise you that
I will be plugging my ears

for the remainder
of this conversation.

- Smart play, Alvin.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Look.

Blair, all right?

Let's do the smart thing here.

Bankruptcy is a hiccup,

but if we get sucked into
a major fraud,

we're gonna lose everything.

Plus it's wrong.

Haven't you felt a little
guilty since the crash?

No.

We destroyed so many lives,

not to mention
the two that we ended.

I heard about three
or four suicides that day,

so you can take credit
for those, too,

you fucking serial killers.

The fuck
are you doing here?

I need a goddamn job, okay?
I'm broke.

I gave you $800,000
a month ago!

- Yeah, I'm a spender.
- Whoa, whoa.

You gave him 800k
of company money?

The Leighman wouldn't do
the bank deal

unless we bought Mo out.

What happened to partners
telling partners everything?

Ooh, trouble in paradise.

You know,
once the lying starts,

it's really hard...

Sit the fuck down!

All due, Dawn,

our biggest asset right now
is my rep,

so let's not ruin it.
Let's use it.

Every investor on the street's
on my jock.

20 mil will be a breeze.

Blair,
Ponzi scheme always ends badly.

Not a Ponzi.
Not a scheme.

We're just gonna take
a couple million dollars

from a select group
of my groupies

and pay the Leighman off
by dinner,

and then you and I can get back
to brainstorming

our next big idea.

But not tonight because Roger
and I have backstage

at Springsteen.

And next week I have jury duty.

For the Sundance
Film Festival.

But as soon as I'm back
in town,

we are cracking those books,
babe.

You know what?

I know I don't have
a vote here,

but Blair's really making
a strong pitch.

Thank you,
and fuck you.

Got it.

Blair, what happens
when that 20 runs out?

This is gonna catch up to us

and we're gonna ruin both
of our reps.

We are doing this!

Sorry.
Little 'roid rage.

But I just feel
very strongly about this.

Okay.
Okay, I'm sorry.

I just got a little ditzy.

Yeah.

Let's do your plan,

but maybe since
we only have 12 hours,

instead of getting
a little cash

from a lot of different people,

we just get it
from one big whale.

And I have the perfect whale.

Pastor Newell Swafford.

No, no, no, no.
We can't, we can't.

His network...
Honor God Television...

is legally a church.

That means they've got tons
of tax-exempt cash

just waiting with not
enough places to stash it.

- HGTV is legally a church?
- Yes.

It started as a TV network
but was officially granted

church status,

the same way Scientology
started off as a cruise line

and the Mormons started
as a name tag company.

Newell lives in a jet.

In the air, okay?

He only lands to refuel

and cut the ribbon
on Hobby Lobby openings.

Yeah, but he's also Roger's
father-in-law.

I don't have to explain to you
that this complicates things.

I think it simplifies things.

I've got a rec
from his daughter.

You've got a super
close relationship

with the son-in-law,
who he loves,

according to Corkie.

We've got the fundamentals
and the personals.

Forget about it!

We might even get 40 million.
What do you think?

I think we have
a plane to catch.

Yes!

Man, I love it when
a plan comes together.

Hey, Dawn,
check this out.

- Twins.
- Fuck you, Mo.

Okay, what about the job?

Is that a... is that
a no-go for Mo-Mo?

I take it you heard all
of that.

Well, the important thing
is that I tried not to.

You're a class act, Alvin.

Yeah, it's me.
I'm in.

Listen.

Meet me at TBD
at 9:00 o'clock tonight.

All right?
And wear something nice.

Transfer.

- What's this?
- Fuck you, baldy.

Hah, eat shit,
white boy.

- Nice mustache, bitch.
- Come on.

Open up.

All right.

You don't belong
with those criminals.

You belong in here with these
folks because you're white.

- What?
- Collar.

Here's a welcome bag
and a key to your cell.

Wh-what is this place?

I could tell you,

but it would sound a heck
of a lot sweeter

coming from Club Fed's very own
a capella group

made up of the best
Yale Wiffenpoofs

and Harvard Hasty
Pudding singers

money can't buy out of prison...

The Jailbirds!
Boys?

And fressed?

Collar, right?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Hey, tell him about
the activities.

How is this allowed?

Collar!

- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Sure.

- Okay.
- Right.

- Whatever.
- Yeah.

Um, just down the hall?

Wow, look at this.

- Hi.
- Hello there.

Ooh, I've only skimmed
the Bible,

but I am pretty sure this
is exactly what our Lord

and Savior would have wanted.

Yeah, he did seem like
a private jet kind of guy.

Are you sure
I shouldn't call Roger?

Yes, I'm sure.

Honestly, it sounds more
suspicious if you ask.

And come on,

you promised that you wouldn't
let a little dick get

in the way of big business.

Well, it isn't little.

It's not gigantic.

What I'm saying is it's
a normal adult-sized penis.

Hmm.
Okay.

Now, Corkie already talked
to him, all right?

And Newell cannot wait to meet
the Wiz of Wall Street.

- That's me.
- Yeah.

That's why I took the pause
and then pointed at you.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Now I'm gonna lay out
the numbers and you...

I will tell him how close
I am with Roger.

Exactly.

Forget about it!

I'll get right on that, sir.

- Oh, Governor.
- Blair!

- Hi.
- Regina?

I loved last week's 227.

Although I wish that Mary
and Lester

would relax their dating rules

so Brenda and Calvin
can get it on.

Wow.

Well, thank you so much
for watching, Governor.

- Yikes.
- I mean,

can you guys really
not tell us apart?

No.

Okay.

Welcome to Air Prayer.

Amen.
An honor to be here.

- The lady in red.
- Yes.

You know, red is Satan's
favorite color.

I can't believe I'm back.

I mean, there was a time when
this life was all I ever wanted

but I wasn't happy.
I mean,

I was happier
when I had nothing.

So of course I come back,
right?

'Cause that's what I do.

It reminds me of this recurring
dream I had when I was little

where I get adopted
by this perfect family

and get dropped off
in this perfect house

and... and I go inside,
and it's identical

to my broke-ass boys home,
you know?

And I turn around,
try to get out of there,

but there's no fucking doors.
I'm trapped.

And then I get super molested.

And I don't mean the choice,
like, between soup or molested.

I'm saying super molested,
you know?

Like, it's a prixe fixe menu
and that's the only thing

on there,
is molested.

I just wanna go to Kokomo.

Sorry, so you do want
your old suite,

or you don't?

Also, you know that Kokomo's
not a real place, right?

Yeah, yeah,
give me the suite.

I just wanted to make sure
the new chaise was comfortable.

Good talk though, right?

How do you plan to pay
for the suite, sir?

Because I read that you sort of
lost everything.

No offense.

Nah, I did.
But guess what?

Money is no object,
motherfucker.

Oh.
Uh, well, welcome back, sir.

Thank you.

Ah, love it up here.

You know why I spend all
my time in the sky?

To be closer to God?

- And farther from AIDS.
- Okay.

Now, normally I would not take

a meeting pitched
by a secretary,

but my daughter insisted,

and as a long-time
Jet subscriber...

Aww.

I've just been dying
to meet this cover boy.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

Like I said, uh, actually,

I'm not Blair's secretary.

Well, you can't be his wife.

Because you're...

His business partner.

Anyways, The TBD group is...

Would someone like a beverage?

- Uh, a gin and tonic.
- Sure, Bloody Mary.

- Would be great.
- All we have is ginger ale.

The wine of the sky.

Lynette!

Three ginger ales!

Yes, Pastor.

- Okay, I will be brief.
- Good.

We're the only firm

that actually made a profit
on Black Monday

because we predicted it.

You did?

We can grow HGTV's money
in good times

and in bad times.

With us it is either feast
or feast.

Feast or fea...
I'm gonna write that down!

But it's not just about
the money.

Uh, our clients
are like our family

and speaking of family,
Blair.

The only people
you can trust...

- Mm, mm.
- ...are the people they trust.

For example, recently
I had the privilege of...

Okay.

All right, Lynette,
get ahold of this plane!

That's right,
Lynette is also our pilot.

If you'll excuse me.

Lynette,
where are you?

Jesus.

Tryouts for
the dressage tournament

will be starting
in the equestrian center

in ten minutes.

Hey, bud.
What you reading?

Oh, nudie magazine hidden
in a novel.

Ah, the classics.

Gather your things.
You're getting out of here.

- Early release.
- Already?

You've learned
your lesson,

and we've gotta make room
for all the new prisoners

now that Congress passed
that three strikes law.

Seems pretty racist to me,

and I am a huge racist.

So that's it?
I'm just free?

Not completely free.

You're on work release.

Work?

For who?

- Larry Leighman?
- Hello, Keith.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd swing by and, uh,

see if you enjoyed your stay
at my prison.

- Your prison?
- Oh, yeah.

The private priz biz
is a-boomin'.

Three strikes?

More like grand slam,
thank you, Uncle Sam.

You look confused.

How do you think you
got released so quickly?

Uh, work released.

- So I'm working for you now.
- That's right.

You're working for me.

What do you want?

Just your help fucking Mo
and The TBD Group so hard

that they'll beg for death.

Fine, but only if you give me
something I want.

Ooh, and what's that,
Keith?

Just your help fucking Mo
and The TBD Group

so hard that they'll beg
for death.

Get in.

All right.

No, not this side.
Walk around the car.

- Slide over.
- No.

I'm not gonna move over.

Just walk around the car
and sit in the empty seat.

All right, fine.

That's the stupidest fucking
thing I ever heard of.

Mmm.

Now, where were we?

I believe Blair, uh,
was talking about

his personal connection to...

God?

You a God-fearing man, Blair?

The rich will rule over
the poor

and the borrower...
I guess that's us...

is servant to the lender.

It's Proverbs 22:7.

- I grew up real churchy.
- Don't say another word.

You know the numbers
and the book of Numbers.

From this moment forward,

the Wizard of Wall Street shall
now act as my grand vizier.

- Great.
- But...

You will be my Grand Wizard.

That didn't feel right.

And you will be
minor-ly involved.

Well, great.
With that settled,

I'm gonna use the lavatory.

I had a little
too much sky wine.

Second door
on the left.

Just lift the seat up
in the confessional.

Okay.

Oh, wow, this is great.

- Isn't it, though?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you who's gonna
be thrilled about this.

- Who?
- Your son-in-law.

Mm-hmm, the congressman
and Blair

are very,
very tight.

You don't say, sweetheart?

Very.

Very?

Very, very.

Hey, thanks
for coming to meet me.

Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you called.

And I'm glad you're back.

Look, I'm sorry I had you sent
to the rubber room,

but hopefully
it helped somehow.

- What was it like in there?
- It was great.

It-it brought me a lot
of clarity,

so thank you.

That sounds like a mislead
if I have ever heard one.

But...

I was right.

Being punished
for offending women

made me realize what
the world really needs.

A safe space just for men.

Where boys could
still be boys.

A place where women
aren't welcome.

You mean like a country club?

Or the board room
of a Fortune 500 company?

The executive branch
of the government,

a TV writers' room,
most Arab nations,

and the Senate floor in pants?

Did you know that
is the law?

Women cannot be on
the Senate floor in pants!

Bro,
if chicks can be feminists,

why can't men be meninists?

Bro, if another dude joins
this organization,

do you have to change the name
to Just 5 Men?

Laugh now, but I put fliers
all over town.

I've taken ads in all
the major newspapers.

When word gets out
about Just 4 Men...

Word is out!

Have you never heard
of Just F-O-R Men?

Wait, are you saying there's
already a group

of like-minded meninists?

That's not a word.

Trying to topple
the matriarchy?

- That's not a thing.
- That's great, man.

So, you ready to join?

Dues are $1500 a week.

I way overdid it
with merch and marketing.

Wayne, I love you, buddy,
but you are lost.

Y'all clear this shit up
before Dawn gets here

or it's gonna be
Just 4 Corpses.

What'd I miss?

- Your girl here...
- Business partner.

She was saying
that you're familiar

with my daughter's husband.

Yes, he's a great man.

I haven't known him for long,

but we've gotten to know
each other very well.

Inside and out.

And that close relationship
is another reason

why HGTV should trust TBD
to handle their trust ASAP.

Or not.

So you're the boy that Roger's
been golfing with recently.orry?

That's me.

I'm sorry, but I'm
gonna have to pass.

Lynette, land the plane!

Lynette!

- You ready, boss?
- Let's go.

Your measurements are
completely different now.

Well, you know, a lot's changed
since I stopped doing coke.

- And what about Kyle 2?
- Well, he's a robot,

so his weight
doesn't fluctuate.

I meant do you want
suits for him?

He's a robot.

Of course.

Remember,
money's no object.

You're gonna look great, K2.

I can't figure it out.

- We had him.
- I know.

I know.

I really thought bringing up
his son-in-law

would have sealed the deal.

Well, we're out of options.
Maybe you're right, Dawn.

Maybe bankruptcy
is the safest move.

- It's the only move.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn!

Honestly, I had totally come
around to your plan.

I mean, fuck bankruptcy
and protecting ourselves

from going to prison.

Oh, I just wish there was
a way to come up

with 20 mil in a half hour.

Mm.

But I guess we just
file bankruptcy

and do it my way.

Well, my original way,
obviously.

- Yeah.
- You know,

before you totally convinced me
of the opposite which...

Whoa.

What if I could get you
$25 million

in say, oh, an nower?

I'm saying now,
not an hour.

It's just now helps with the...

- We get it.
- If... you get it now.

That's so crazy.

Dawn was just saying she wished
we could raise

- that kind of money.
- No, no, no.

That's not what I said.

I said $20 million
in a half hour.

Okay, but this
is $25 million now.

- So I think that's better.
- Yeah, but it's a misquote.

Okay, well...

And if I could magically
produce this money,

you think you might be able
to abra cadabra

old Mo a job?

Well, you do look like
a cheap magician.

I mean, I'll take anything,
really.

I just want to... wanna get back
in the action.

Okay, so if there
was some way in hell

you could raise that kind
of cash, yeah, sure.

You can have a job.
Right, Dawn?

I mean, fuck bankruptcy.

Great.

'Cause there is a huge whale
I got by the tail.

Who?

Ah, just an exiled Nigerian
prince who needs some help

moving his funds out
of the country,

and I'm talking funds
by the tons.

Did you ever really plan
on getting out of the game?

Yes, I did.

Dawn, believe me.
I really did.

But as I was boarding
that plane

to disappear forever,

I had an epiphany.

You look familiar.

Probably from when you left
me to die.

Chacho.

You cockroach.

Agent Caspe,
FBI.

I believe you've already
met my boss.

I told you,
I got you.

Fuck, Connie!

Blair, Dawn,

I would like to introduce you
to Prince Dwalu's

American liaison,
Miss Adebisi.

Call me Dede.

I understand you're looking
for an investor.

Well, I mean, it's not
like we're desperate.

14 minutes.

Could we figure something out
in the next 14 minutes?

Absolutely.

Alakazam.

- Hey, Dawnie.
- Mo.

I guess you saved the day.

Uh, yeah, I...
yeah, guess so.

Huh.

How were you so sure we
wouldn't get Newell's money?

Well, 'cause I know you,

and you always get
what you want.

I mean, in this case you always
get what you didn't want.

No, you're right.

I always do get
what I didn't want.

So welcome aboard.

Glad to be back, boss.

That's right.
I am the boss.

This is my fucking company now,
Mo.

- I know.
- Don't fuck me.

I wouldn't, okay?

Which is why when I bumped
into Dede in the club

and she said that her boss
had some cash

he needed to invest,

I came to you because you're
the fucking boss.

Okay.

Okay.

You wanna come in?

I mean, open a bottle
of wine or something?

I could really use somebody
to talk to.

Okay.