Black Monday (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Fore! - full transcript

Previously on
Black Monday...

You want to buy up
retail banks

to gamble on the stock market.

Amerisavings & Loan.

The other congressman
won't even take a piss

without Harris' approval.

How's your side
of the deal going?

I'm a fuckin' whiz
at politics too.

Is it me, or is an all-female
workplace extremely hostile?

I was thinking the same thing,
my man.

I told you, man.
I'm done.



I'm going to Kokomo.

Airport.

Open it.

Jesus!

- Ugh, gross.
- No shit, Wayne.

We got hit with an anonymous
sexual harassment complaint.

Apparently, the women
in this office

don't want to look
at that shit,

and neither do I.

It wasn't me.

Buddy, come on.

Congress is hours from passing
deregulation.

We're about to amass
generational wealth.

You'll be able to set up
your kids' kids' kids.



If I ever
get to see them again.

My ex-wife's fucking me
in the ass.

And she's not letting him
visit his kids.

Do you think

this is a joke?
If the SEC catches wind

of any shenanigans here,

they will void
our Amerisavings deal.

All because you two punch lines

couldn't keep your zingers
off the Xerox.

- I'm not a punch line.
- It wasn't my zinger.

Get this through
your un-thick dicks:

the boys' club
is officially over.

We run this shit now.

Mo is gone,
and he is not coming back.

Until?

Mo's not coming back until...

- Never!
- All right.

At least we'll get
more lines...

of coke.

That's the spirit.
All right, now come on.

And to protect the firm,
we've got to send

one of you two pervs
to the Rubber Room.

The "rub her" room?
Yes, please.

Wait, is that where
they test Trojans? Yes!

The Rubber Room is detention
for degenerate traders.

They take your dignity

and your trading license
for a month.

I-I swear, it wasn't me.

For religious reasons,
I braid my pubic hair.

Yeah. My circumcision scar
runs up through my butthole.

- Way up there.
- Mid-back.

- All right.
- No.

You've got until close
to fess up,

or you're both going.

In the meantime,
you're gonna go out there,

and you're gonna apologize

to every single woman
in this office.

- And until you do,

Dawn is not going to let you
out of our sight.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have actual work to do.

- Janet. Linda.
- Blair!

Terri.

- Blair!
- What?

How the fuck are you going
golfing again?

We're supposed to be running
this place together.

Everything I do
is for this company.

Do you think I want to go
to the Met Gala?

Do you think I wanted
to get slimed

on You Can't Do That
on Television on television?

Do you think I want my MTV?

I don't, but I said it
in that commercial,

because publicity is good
for TBD.

- I get the structure.
- I wish you were a white man.

Harris asked me
to swing the ol' bats

with him and some congressmen
before they head back to D.C.

for the vote this afternoon.

What was I supposed to say?
No?

Well, did you at least sign
the Amerisavings contracts

on your desk?

Mm,
I didn't see any contracts.

Maybe they got lost
under Tiff's shit,

because you let her convert
your office into an atelier

for her shit attempt
at a shit Georgina relaunch!

- I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry.

And as soon as this vote is
over, I am back here for good.

But until then,

can you just forge
my signature?

I can't be late for
"tea time."

Apparently,
drinking tea

is a huge part of golf.

How have you not learned more
about the game?

Just... just fucking go.

You're the best.

I'll be back tonight
for the vote party.

Fore!

Ahh!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Guy, just admit
that this is your guy,

and I will convince Dawn
to take it easy on you,

but there is no reason

that both of us should get sent
to the Rubber Room for this.

Can't you see?

This is a frame job.

We're the last men here,
and they want us out.

It's so obvious.

Or women don't like
unsolicited penis photographs.

There's got to be
a punchier way to say that.

It is a mouthful.

No, and that's my point.

We need to respect
that the culture in the office,

it's changed,
and in that change...

Offices don't have culture.

Puerto Ricans, yogurt,
Boy George's club.

Those have culture.

Now, here's my plan.

We're gonna ask around

and find out which chick
made the complaint,

and then we'll apologize.

Progress.
That's what I like.

And then,
when she least expects it,

we'll exact our revenge

and send that snitching bitch
to the Rubber Room.

I love what you've done
with the place.

Yeah, Tiff really ripped
her parents' apartment

down to the studs.

And speaking of ripped studs...

- You got that?
- Yeah, way ahead of you there.

Blair?

Blair Pfaff.

Blair Pfaff!

Well, well, if it isn't
the home-wrecking harlot

out to destroy my...

Ooh, not what I expected.

White lady,
who the fuck are you,

and what the fuck
were you expecting?

I'm Corky Harris,

and I came to confront you,
Blair,

the hussy who layeth down
with my husband,

Congressman Roger Harris?

My goodness, this is a mix-up
from the tits up.

First of all, hi.
I'm Dawn.

I founded this place
with my partner Blair,

who is a man,

and we are just huge donors
of your husband.

But Blair has to be a woman.

I picture someone rich, blonde,
bunch of pretty roommates.

No, that's Blair
from Facts of Life.

My Blair is all man,
like Jo from Facts of Life.

Trust me, my Blair
and your husband

are on the golf course
as we speak.

But they golf all the time.

In a moment of weakness,

I took a peek into
my husband's calendar.

The trips... I mean,
the last month alone...

Palm Springs, Provincetown,
San Fran, Fire Island.

I mean, they went
to the Tonys together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know, all the facts
line up perfectly.

Standard business trips.

Oh, my gosh.

I just realized
what's happening here.

What's happening?

My husband and your Blair
are having sex...

Uh...

...with women outside
their marriages,

and using each other as alibis.

No.

No. No.
Uh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- Hmm?
- Huh.

Hmm.

Is it possible that maybe now

you're covering
for both of them?

Corky, if your husband
is messing around,

then I will personally
rip off his dick

and pull it
through his asshole myself.

If Blair says
he is playing golf,

then he is playing golf.

He is obsessed.

Damn it!

I'm almost there.

What?

Hey, B.

I have someone who wants
to say hi to you.

It's Congressman Harris' wife.

Excited to finally meet you,
Blair.

Yeah, we wanted
to come and meet you guys

on the golf course.

Uh, what hole are you in?

On.

Um, it's great to meet you,
Corky.

Yes, we would love
for you and Dawn

to meet us on the, uh,
golf...field.

Uh, what hole shall you
meet us on, you ask?

Uh, the-the 51st hole.

Uh, the 15th hole.

I wish there were 51 holes,

'cause I love golf.

Um, yep,

well, I look forward
to meeting you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Damn it.

We got to go.

Unless you want to finish
really quick.

I already did.

Great.

Okay, we're gonna go
with the classic.

You be bad cop.
I'll be good cop.

Okay, but all cops are bad.

That's true.
Follow my lead.

All right.

Thank you for coming, Karen.

Water? Coffee?

- Foot massage?
- God damn it, Wayne.

What's this all about, guys?

Well, as you may have heard,

there was a complaint

about someone in this office's
distasteful...

some say "walk off home run"
hilarious...

use of office equipment.

What my disgusting,
sack of shit partner here

is trying to say
is that we are sorry

if we ever made you feel
unsafe in this office.

Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?

- I'm being bad cop.
- Not to me, idiot.

Be bad cop to her.

Oh!

Now watch and fucking learn.

All right, Karen,

AKA Miss Thang...

- Mm.
- Where'd she go?

Please hurry up.

I have to make sure
my poor sweet husband

isn't being led astray
by some Nancy.

Blair is not a nancy.
He's married.

I'm talking about Nancy Reagan.

Ever since she broke up
Ronnie's marriage

to his first wife Jane Wyman

and his political career
not only survived, it thrived,

every good Christian Republican

thinks they can survive
a divorce.

It's left all us wives
of a certain age vulnerable.

Leave it to the Gipper
to deregulate divorce too.

I just have to remind Roger

that my daddy's money and power
put him in that office,

and it can sure as heck
take him right out.

Who's your daddy?

Have you heard
of Pastor Newell Swofford?

He started the Honor God
TV Network?

HGTV?

The guy who coined the phrase
"pray away the gay"?

He also came up
with "spay away the gay,"

because... well,
he thinks cats are gay.

That one was less successful.

How was that, growing up
with such a-a cool dad?

I mean,
do you share his views?

Of course.
Well, not his views on Roger.

Ever since we met,
he hated him.

He used to say, "There's
something wrong with that boy,"

but I defended him,

and I supported him,
because I loved him.

I love him,

and I don't want to lose him.

Well, it sounds to me
like Roger needs to be reminded

that he'd be nothing
without you.

Men have a way of forgetting
that behind every one of them

is a much smarter one of us.

I mean, I do everything
at TBD, but...

Blair either
doesn't realize it,

or he's too busy getting
the credit to say thanks.

Men.

A bunch of horses'
you-know-whats.

Dawn, I like you.

And I like you.

You know, I'd love
to introduce you to my dad.

He's always looking
for investment opportunities,

and I'd love to support
a fellow strong woman.

And I could do a lot
of good work

with all that tithing money.

Great.

Assuming Blair's not cheating
with my husband.

Those dogs.

This is it.
We're here.

Okay.

Now, with the tea,
is it a specific kind of tea...

- Corky!
- Oh, God.

- Corky! Corky!
- Oh, my God.

I am so sorry to startle you,
but I love you.

- You guys, look who it is!
- No, I'm sorry.

I don't know
who you think I am.

You have never gotten
the credit that you deserve.

You are a star.

Will you take a picture
with me, please?

- Thank you so much.
- Sure.

No one has a camera?
God damn it!

- Oh, God...
- Oh, don't go! No, I...

Corky!

I don't get it.

So being subpar at golf
is actually a good thing?

Yep.
Oh, there she is.

Just act like you know
what you're doing.

Mother!

- Mother?
- You made it.

- Father!
- My goodness.

What a pleasant...
exactly what I was expecting.

Corky, Blair Pfaff.

Hey.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- Well.
- Are you enjoying the course?

Oh, it's the greatest game
of my life.

It's very subpar.

- Uh...
- Well, don't let me

interrupt your career best.

- Fire away.
- Thank you, yes.

Let me just grab
my favorite swingin' pole

from the ol' quiver.

- Yep.
- Yep!

Here we go.

Oh, um, the putter
for the tee?

Oh, no.

I just like to touch this
for luck

before I grab my real club...

Yep.

Yeah.

You know, it's like
the log at the Apollo.

- He's superstitious.
- Precisely.

- Warm-up.
- Warm-up?

You've been out
for 14 holes now.

Yeah.

Play ball!

Hey! Stop right there.

Governor Putnam?

Oh, it is you!

I thought everyone
around the club was lying.

The TV does not add ten pounds
or change one thing,

because you look exactly
like you.

I do?

Oh! Can I get an autograph?

Uh...yeah, sure.

Uh, nice meeting you.

Stay in school!

- Hit the ball!
- Yep.

Hitting...

Whoa!

Blair!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

- Blair!
- Blair!

Blair, are you dead?

Thank you.

- To Mrs. Harris, oh...
- Yes.

Thank you so much
for these pills.

I don't know what they are,

- but I'm...
- fine.

Well, it is the least
that I could do.

I just feel awful
that you got hurt.

- What? No.
- I'm sorry again.

This is so silly,

but I somehow
got it in my head

that you two were out there
chasing the fillies together.

Oh, you goofball.

Clearly, it was just business.

My fault for getting things
in my head again.

Mother, on our wedding day,
I made a promise to you...

Did he call her Mother?

Yeah, it's not great.

...that I would never
go anywhere without you

if a woman was present,

and I've stuck to that.

I am so sorry for doubting you,
Father.

- Aww.
- Nope.

Come here.

Tell me that you
are not fucking the guy

who could fuck up our deal?

Of course not.
He's fucking me.

Ohh...

And this gimlet is compliments

of the gentleman at the bar.

Can you just put it over there
with the other ones, please?

- Thank you.
- What's happening?

Whenever black people go
to rich white people places,

they always think we're famous.

Otherwise,
why would we be there?

We do do that.

Bitch,
who do they think you are?

I don't know.
I'm so sick of this shit.

They can't tell niggas apart.
What the fuck is that?

- Man, they got you fucked up.
- Where you from?

- I'm from Compton.
- Oh, my nigga.

- Compton, yeah.
- Stay up.

- Oh, yeah, baby, all day.
- That's what's up.

Motherfuckers out here
getting rich on crack cocaine.

You know how that go.

My man.
Peace out.

Yeah.

So, Blair, you and Roger
have gotten to travel

to so many
wonderful places lately.

- Yeah.
- What was your favorite?

Palm Springs?
Rehoboth?

Well, you know,
they're all just work trips.

It's not like we're spending
the whole day in bed.

Well, but what about the Tonys?

I mean, come on,
that must have been a hoot.

The Antoinette Perry Awards for
Excellence in Broadway Theatre?

When I found out Roger
was taking you instead of me?

Jealous.

- Wait, what?
- It was a hoot.

Right, Blair? When you and I
went to the Tonys together?

And then...booyah!

Hey, man, maybe stop shoving
the evidence in their faces?

Hey, man, how about stop
undermining my investigation?

How else are they supposed to
know what we're talking about?

Because they know what a penis
looks like.

Not if they're all lesbos!

Which is one
of my working theories.

God damn it, Pamela.

Do you have to do that here?

Yes.
It's the only microwave.

So did you all catch Dallas
last night?

Sue Ellen back on the bottle.

Ooh, and J.R.
had her committed.

Shit, I would be
hitting the bottle too.

Yeah, they don't call her
Boozy Suzy for nothing.

Okay, guys, we're doing
a work project here.

Now, Joyce, please.

Let's try a little
word association.

- I...
- Am creepy as hell.

- No.
- Won't lie to you.

Come on, we haven't even
started yet.

I'm gonna say a word,
and then...

I'm gonna leave,
'cause you stink.

Sorry if we ever made you
feel unsafe at work!

I'm not!

Ever gonna move out
of your mom's house?

Oh!

Tell you what, Corks,

nobody had a better time
that night

than your hubby.

Turns out Roger
loves the Tonys.

- Yeah.
- And the Oscars.

And the Steves.

Why don't you tell us all

what your favorite parts
of the Tonys was?

So many great moments

I could describe in detail

instead of going to Washington
this afternoon and voting

on a pretty significant
regulatory rollback.

Well, I think we all fuckin'
love that.

Would we, though?

- It sounds boring!
- No.

- Doesn't sound boring to me.
- Yeah, no, I think so.

Seems like a fun old time...

- Let's go clean it up.
- No, it'll dry here.

Blair, let's go clean it up
now.

Okay. Ouchie.

Ouchie!
Okay, be back in a flash.

- Whoopsy-daisy.
- Okaysies.

- Idiot!
- I know.

Can you believe
he's cheating on me?

No, you're an idiot.

Of all the guys to fuck,
you choose the one

who controls our destiny.

And you're about to
fuck it all up for some dick.

It's fine.
I'll handle it.

Like you've been handling it?

I've never seen someone's
feelings get hurt so visibly.

Well, h-how could he
do that to me?

'Cause he is a man, dummy.

Don't make me explain
your species to you.

And you didn't tell me.

My God,
I could have helped you.

Us!

Fuck!
This is some real Mo shit.

We're supposed to be
actual partners.

- I'm sorry.
- Fuck your "I'm sorry."

There you are, Big B.
Can we talk?

Fix this.

So you're a piece of shit.

I thought you knew I...

That you were a piece of shit

who was doinking every guy
in town behind my back?

"Doinking"?

It's how people say "sex,"
okay?

You're old.

Why are you having
such a hard time with this?

Because you were my first.

Relationship of this kind...

and I thought
it was just you and me,

and now I feel stupid.

Wow, babe, I...

I'm sorry.

All those other guys
meant nothing.

I didn't know...

...you wanted
a relationship, but...

I really like you, Blair.

Why else do you think
I would carry around

the picture you gave me
in my wallet?

You kept my penis picture.

There has to be a better way
to say that.

- Dick picture?
- Penis pic.

Dickture!

From now on,

I only want to doink you.

And my wife when I have to,
for maintenance.

And the occasional secretary,
for appearances.

Do you mean that?

Exclusive doinking?

Yeah, what the heck.
Why not?

All the secret calls,
the planning,

the rendezvouses...

it'd be so much easier
if it was only you.

- We got to go.
- I know.

Come on.

Corky.

Uh...

Blair's Italian,

and you know how they are
over there, I mean...

Giuseppe,

uh, let-a me hold-a your hand.

Giuseppe, let-a
me kiss-a your face.

Dawn, stop.

Please don't ever
do that voice again.

Listen, Corky...

Well, boys will be boys.

What?

Oh, I was being so silly.

Roger will never leave me
for a man.

It would end his career.

I got scared for a second.

All right,
let's get back out there.

Who did this?
Is this you?

Did you do this?
It was you, wasn't it?

- Who did this?
- Wayne, chill!

Not until one of these
feminazis admits to framing us.

None of you are even my type!

It was me, all right?
Fuck, man.

I filed the complaint.

You're just so gross
to all the women in the office

all the time,
and I saw that Xerox,

and it was the last straw.

I don't know if you've noticed,
but times are changing.

- Yes.
- You're with it.

We just had a girl
vice presidential candidate,

and granted, she got her ass
fuckin' smoked, because duh,

but we're gonna have
a chick president soon.

Yes.

These girls? They're mothers
and they're daughters

and they're wives
and they're sisters.

- We're also people.
- Exactly.

These people are men's mothers
and daughters

and sisters and wives.

He had it.

- And then he lost it.
- Mm-hmm.

It wasn't me, okay?

And I can prove it.

Ladies!

Well, the congressman
has a train to catch

and a vote to vote.

That sounds great.

Knock 'em dead.

Dawn, thank you so much

for helping me get
to the bottom of all this.

And I want you to
reach out to Daddy.

Oh, the pastor.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

There you are!

Can't believe you're actually
at our club.

Who?

Who is actually
at your club?

You're Regina,
Regina King.

You play Brenda on 227.

Bitch, you racist.

Really?
You're not gonna say anything?

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry I jeopardized
the deal.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about me and Harris,

and I know
that's the type of shit

Mo used to do all the time,

and-and I promise to be
a better partner than that,

and I will be, I swear.

Look, Blair,
I'm happy for you.

I just don't want this place
to ever go back to how it was.

- I know.
- Put that thing away!

- Oh, Wayne!
- My dick.

- Not my dick.
- I'm so sorry.

- My dick. Not my dick.

Please
don't blame me.

Wayne! Wayne.
Wayne!

This is my dick.
This is not my dick.

- Wayne!
- I apologize.

Rubber Room, now!

Can someone give me a ride?

Wayne!

Pull up your pants!

Oh, shit, the vote
for Amerisavings is on.

Oh!

In regards
to bill H827,

the abolishment
of regulatory ordinances

in relation
to banking institutions,

those in favor?

Aye.

Those opposed?

Bill H827 is ratified.

- Oh!
- We did it, we're rich!

- We did it!
- Yes, we did it!

- Yes!
- Oh, my God.

We interrupt
our regular coverage

to bring you tragic news
out of South Florida,

where the cocaine wars
have escalated again.

Oh.

A deadly shootout

tore through a busy branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Four dead and several injured

after gunfire erupted
over what's thought to be

a money-laundering deal
gone bad.

Again, this was
the South Beach branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Stop saying the name.

A massive investigation

is being launched
into what feds suspect

is widespread
criminal activity

throughout
Amerisavings & Loan.

Does this affect our thing
at all?

The SEC has frozen
the stock

after a steep decline.

Don't you want revenge

on all those people
who fucked you over?

I mean, Dawn and Blair...

me.

This kind of gets me
all the revenge I need, Keith.

Fuck you!
Shit! Fuck! Hey!

Ah! Shit!

Why is everything fucking
steel in here?

Blood money indeed.

Meanwhile,
our thoughts and prayers

go out to the victims
of this horrific tragedy,

again, at Amerisavings & Loan.

- Shut up!
- Stop saying the goddamn name!

If any good can come
from this senseless tragedy,

it's that Congress
will immediately act

on gun control...

Mm-mm-mm!

What a da...