Black Monday (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Mixie-Dixie - full transcript

- You want to fuck with me ?
- I would love to fuck with you.

Previously on "Black Monday"...

Who wants to come
titty fuck Keith ?

You think he's trying...

the Georgina play ?

So once he marries
that Georgina chick

and we get those shares,
we also get cracker rich.

Give me the piece of the
Jammer Group that I deserve.

You want something from Mo ?
You're gonna have to fucking take it.

- Do you even want to get married ?
- I'm really confused right now.

Like I've been pressed
into this shape.



I've been playing you, kid.

Fuck you.
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.

I want in.

My hubby likes chubby.

You're fired.

Is what we're
about to tell you.

- Right, Dawn ?
- Sorry, Momo.

The market's taking
a huge shit right now.

- You shorted the market.
- Well, that was Dawn's idea.

Keith, you're the only one
that never fucked me over.

I'm sorry.

This was all a Jammer Group
plot to screw us.

You thinking
what I'm thinking ?

One of us should take
a steamy shit in Mo's car ?



Now who's fucking around ?

I'm here for my piece
of the Georgina play.

Let's celebrate, partner.

Dawn, how could you do this ?

If I were a man,
they'd just call it business.

I'm sorry, Mo,
but it's my time.

Hey, quit daydreaming.
The bosses want to see you.

Actually, I was
day wet dreaming.

I'm busy, so can we
just pretend that I did

a series of nonthreatening,
girlish giggles ?

- Uh-huh.
- Mo, oh, Mo.

- What it is, my man ?
- What can I do for you bosses ?

Buy 20 000
June Coffee Calls.

We're going long
like John Silver's

premium seafood eatery.

All due respect,

I'm not sure that's
the smart play right now.

All due respect,
I got a room full of them

that would fundamentally
disagree with you.

I'm just saying that a lot
of these dudes were in 'Nam.

They're saying there's
a lot of coffee farms

that are popping up
all over the Lam Dongs, so...

That explains
the uptick in the bores.

The French are always a step ahead
in Asian commodities.

- We should go short.
- We should go short.

I do trust Dawn with coffee.

- Yeah.
- Nobody makes a better cup.

- Her nickname is Hot Coffee.
- Nailed it.

Hot Coffee, that's who she is.

No, in fact, go make me
a hot coffee, okay ?

With two Sweet'N Lows
and zero trading advice ever.

- Mr. Leighman, she's right, though.
- Fuck, Mo.

You're a brother, but you're
not a Leighman brother, okay ?

So just place the order, or
I will hire somebody who will.

Yeah, I understand.

Hey, Dawn.
You okay ?

Yeah, no.
Thank you.

Oh.
Fuck them, right ?

It's not our money.

Hey, let me ask you something.
You think they're...

I don't know.
Maybe.

You know, the quiet one ?

He makes me tie his bowtie
while he sucks his thumb.

- While he what ?
- I know.

He's got some weird
mammy fetish.

I have an MBA.

Which does not stand
for "majestic black ass,"

despite what
the loud one says.

I don't know.
Let me see.

It's not bad.

Hey, well, let me
tell you something.

I'm out of here.

- I'm gonna start my own shop.
- Really ?

Got a backer.
He's gonna stake me.

Wow.

Now, if there was just
some way I could get my hands

on that
Leighman Brothers' rolodex.

You mean if you could get
my hands on their Rolodex ?

Well, you do have
prettier hands.

And feet.

Come on.
What do you say, D ?

Hey, hey ! Hot coffee.
Want some cream ?

BLACK MONDAY

EPISODE 1
SEASON II

This is for my homies
in the motherfucking ghetto.

Maurice "Mo" Monroe,
AKA "Roland Madison,"

AKA "The Black, Black
Monday Murderer,"

AKA the "Downtown
Defenestrator,"

is wanted not only for

the global financial terrorist
attack known as "Black Monday"

but for a shocking
double homicide.

Rod Jaminski
plummeted to his death,

ironically landing on Monroe's
own stretch Lamborghini,

and killing one of the Leighman
Brothers in the process.

Jammer Group Employee

I don't know what happened.
Mo just went crazy.

Was it the embarrassment
that his protégé,

Blair Pfaff, had outsmarted him,

making a fortune off him
in the process ?

Face it. There's a new Blairiff
in town.

Or maybe it was the
betrayal of his best friend,

Keith Shankar.

Or maybe it was a broken
heart after his fling

with office tart Dawn Darcy.

I'm just an innocent
secretary delivering Danish.

Whatever it was on
that chilly October afternoon

Mo Monroe just snapped.

Somebody save me !

Thank God for that Blair guy.

He's a real hero.

He tried to save Jammer too,
but it was too late.

He was Countach meat.

Lamborghini
Countach meat indeed.

We need your help
to find this thug.

But make no mistake.
This man is dangerous.

If you see him, do not attempt
to apprehend him.

But call our hotline,
1-800-1-WANTED.

Operators are stand...

What ?

Y'all expected me to be mad

because they portrayed me
as some dumbass secretary

despite the fact that "Black
Monday" was my fucking idea ?

Not the name, of course.
Shit's racist.

I mean, if they tried
to play a man like that...

Oh, shit, if they tried
to play Mo like that,

he'd blow a gasket and a rail.

Sweep everything off
this table, fire all of y'all,

and then he'd call
that hotline himself

just to confess so his dumb ass
would get all the credit.

But I'm not Mo.

And I'm not a man.

I am a professional...

bitch.

Ladies, the world
is finally changing.

Look at this place.
We've shattered the glass ceiling.

Who cares if it takes a minute
for the men to recognize us ?

The arc of the moral universe
is long.

But it bends toward justice.

- Say it.
- Martin Luther Queen.

Did they put Keith in khakis
just so the piss would read ?

I don't know.
Not now, Karen.

'Cause the last time I checked,
we're not in the ego business.

We're in the getting
paid business.

That's right !

And the getting laid business.

And business is sex.

- Word.
- Nice, dude.

Getting mad, getting even...

- You were talking.
- That shit, it's a waste of time.

And the point is,
our time is now.

- Yeah.
- And I have the perfect plan

to take advantage.

Amerisavings & Loan.

This is it, y'all.
This is my next big idea.

We are about to become
an institution by buying one.

So what ?

"America's Most
Unsolved Crimes"

thinks that Blair is
the mastermind instead of me.

He's my partner. I'm not gonna
fuck up our shit over that.

Or this.

- Or this.
- That's right.

Or this wack,
dumb shit right here.

- That ain't right.
- What is "Jet" ?

Fuck these bitch-ass,
niche-ass periodicals.

Okay. But what Dawn's
not telling y'all,

'cause she too humble, is that
she is about to get her props.

"The Wall Street Journal."
That's right.

The old gray lady's husband,
the old white man,

is running a huge profile
on our girl tonight.

Wow, thank you,
but the only pats on the ass

I need are from y'all.

And it's a good thing
I got all this ass to spank.

'Cause we are about to get rich
as fuck buying this bank.

Yeah !

So stop everything

and start acquiring every open
share of Amerisavings & Loan.

Shit.
It's impossible, Boss.

Leighman brothers
own a huge chunk.

- Did you say impossible ?
- Yeah.

I am a black woman
with my own trading firm

on Wall Street in 1988.

I might as well
have just stepped out

of the motherfucking DeLorean
from the motherfucking future.

Impossible can suck my dick.

Who's the Whiz Kid
of Wall Street ?

Or according to "Playgirl,"
"The Jizz Kid" ?

Who's got the biggest brains
and, coming soon,

the biggest muscles ?

You do, hunk.

You bet your tight
little bottom you do.

Shall we, darling ?

- Hey, over here !
- Hello !

Hello.

- Leslie !
- Hey, Paul.

Well, if it isn't the Whiz Kid.

What brings you lovebirds
to Washington ?

Governor Putnam,
it's wonderful to meet you.

We're here for Nancy.

We couldn't just say no
to a chance to celebrate

with the great bouffanted one.

Ironic Nancy's partying with
a bunch of Washington aides

after spending so long
ignoring AIDs.

Cut the shit, Pfaff.
I know you're here for a reason.

This party is a lobbyist's
dream, and my cash machine.

Yeah, that blowhard's
angling to get the FDA

to call breakfast the most
important meal of the day

just so they can sell
a lot more Cookie Crisp.

A private prison lobbyist is pushing
something called a "three strikes" rule.

Three strikes,
like in the game...

Baseball.

Yes, except in this case,
it's three strikes

and you're in jail
for the rest of your days.

And the Dairy Council's still trying
to get people to say "cheese"

while taking pictures.

It seems the flash
creates a sense memory.

- Good luck with that.
- No, no, no.

You'd be surprised how many
common phrases come from lobbyists.

"Cool as a cucumber."
The Gourd Lobby.

Now those guys,
they had a lot of hits.

- "I'm in a pickle" ?
- Yeah.

- "Nice melons" ?
- "Squash that beef" ?

That one was actually
a collaboration with big meat.

If you listen closely,

you can detect who's in whose
pocket by the phrases they use.

- Happy hunting.
- NRA ?

Whatever helps me help
our great state of New York.

Leighman Brothers,
please hold.

Leighman Brothers.
Please hold.

Leighman Brothers.
Please hold.

- Try to turn it the other way.
- I am.

Let me try this baby
right here.

Diners Club ?

That's like the food stamp
of credit cards.

Let's try this.

Kidding me ? You got keys ? Why
didn't you do that in the first place ?

It's supposed
to look like a break-in, right ?

Wow, bingo.
Leaves his fucking Rolodex.

Okay, okay.
Wait.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- What ?

We got to make it
look like a break-in.

Well, break some shit.

Okay.

- Yeah ?
- Okay.

Hold up. Wait a minute.
I want to break something.

Oh, God !

We're breaking shit !

Yo, should we do something ?

New England clam chowder,

Manhattan clam chowder,
or mixie dixie, sir ?

Manhattan for me,
and, um...

Mixie dixie for Lenny.

Thank you for being
so patient, Dawn,

and not kicking down
our doors.

You know how many of those
Mo has destroyed over the years ?

Brazilian rosewood
doesn't grow on trees.

Righ...tah.

Uh, hey, um...

about Lenny,
I've been meaning to say...

Something.

Well, thank you, Dawn.
That means a lot.

What could I do you for ?

I need your chunk
of "Amerisavings & Loan."

I'll bid 10% above ask.

- 10% ?
- Yes.

I'd love
to do you one better.

I'd love to give you
our block of Amerisavings

and partner with you
on whatever you're cooking up.

That's amazing.
I would love to...

Unfortunately, I doubt my poor brother
would love any of that.

I have to imagine the combo

of being screwed to high hell
by the Jammer Group

on Black Monday, along
with his untimely crushing,

left a bad taste in his mouth.

The taste
of Corinthian leather.

And polished chrome and...
liver.

His own.

That was all Mo.
And Mo is not with us anymore.

We're not even called
the Jammer Group anymore.

- We are the TBD Group.
- Well, great.

Send me a prospectus
to wipe my ass with

when you come up with a name.

No.
The TBD Group is our name.

The Blair Dawn Group.

Oh, wait.
I just got that.

Also, wouldn't that make it
"The The Blair Dawn Group" ?

- Yes, it would.
- The name may have changed...

But the SEC still lists Mo
as a shareholder.

He's on the run, Lare.

I mean, the guy's not exactly
hopping on conference calls.

No one knows where he is,
and no one cares. He's gone forever.

That is what that prick
wants you to think, Dawn, okay ?

That cocksucker has been
hoodwinking us since 1978.

Do you honestly think that
he is not out there right now

plotting his revenge ?

I don't think of him at all.

Sweetheart,
until Mo is behind bars,

we will not...

I-I-I will never do business
with your company.

Yeah.

But when Mo finally
gets what's coming to him,

give me a call.

'Cause I would love
to work with you.

That Blair's a real whiz.
Have you seen this ?

Wait.
You read "Jet" ?

Well, I thought
it was about jets.

But that's "Jets."

Yeah.

There he is.
My final victim.

Congressman Roger Harris,
the minority whip.

That always sounds racist.

We get him, we get
all the votes we need

to deregulate the banks.

All right.
You got this, you little bitch.

Just unslump your shoulders,
try not to get all blinky.

Keep your mouth shut.
You're prone to gleeking.

And whatever you do,
don't do that thing...

Hey, I told you, no more domestic
abuse disguised as pump-me-ups.

You don't tell me
what to do anymore.

- Do you remember our deal ?
- You're right.

I know I'm...
just a gorgeous beard.

Exactly, so just smile
and play your part.

You did get
one thing right, though.

I fucking got this.

Rog !
Bubby.

It's me, your brother from
a bunch of magazine covers.

The Whiz of Wall Street
himself, Blair Pfaff.

Riddle me this. What comes
after C regulation,

but before E regulation ?

- That's right.
- Deregulation.

Specifically,
bank deregulation.

Not to be confused
with bank de big bucks,

which is what you'll be doing if you
pledge your undying support to me.

Let me guess.

You want to rewrite U.S. law

so you and your Wall Street
cronies can buy up retail banks

and use the savings of
honest, God-fearing Americans

to gamble on the stock market.

My man !
Yeah, do we have a deal ?

I'm the chair
of the House Ethics Committee.

I started
the Family Values Caucus,

I coined the phrase,
"Moral Majority."

I invented the parental advisory
stickers that protect kids from rap.

Fun.

My father-in-law is Neil Swafford,

televangelist of the year,
four years running.

Four straight Vangees.
Wow.

Now, can't you see
that I'm not at work ?

I don't come to where you're not
working and try to turn that

into your office so I can tell you
how to do your job, now do I ?

If you'll excuse me.
Mrs. Pfaff.

Say cheese.

My man, is it me,

or is an all-female workplace
extremely hostile ?

I was thinking
the same thing, my man.

This place is a literal prison.

Disgusting.

And look at this
female propaganda.

We should have 10%
off clothes.

And I hope you're not mad,
but I'm having Pam pick up

a couple copies of your journal
profile for all the girls

so that we can toast you.

Yeah, uh...it's fine.

As long as we pull off
this bank play,

I don't give a shit
about the press.

Well that's good, 'cause have you
seen Blair's "Hot Jets" cover ?

Hot ?
He looked bloated to me.

No.
"Hot Jets."

It's by industry's
trade journal.

I'm in the market for a koozie.

- That guy is everywhere.
- I know, good for him.

Speak of the devil,
which is against my religion,

he has been on hold for...

15 minutes ?

Are you kidding with that hold time ?

My mobile only gets
20 minutes of talk

before I have to charge it for two days.
Is everything okay over there ?

Uh...duh.

I just met with the Leighman brother
about his chunk of Amerisavings.

We're good.

Hey, unrelated,

if you had to, like,
totally disappear,

where would you go
to get away from it all ?

Aruba.

Jamaica. Bermuda, Bahamas,
Key Largo, Montego.

Dawn, you gotta stop
looking over your shoulder

and worrying about Mo.

We wiped him off the board.

That's why I went on "America's
Most Unsolved Crimes,"

is to make sure
all the blame stuck to him.

And all the pastry stuck to me ?

I told you I had
zero creative control.

I mean, yes, I was on set
and I sat in on casting,

and I did pitch that
new Blair Pfaff timeline,

but the director came from features.

- He didn't know how TV worked.
- Whatever.

How's your side of the deal going ?

Well, Dawn, not surprisingly,
I'm a fucking whiz at politics too.

Great, well, then
it sounds like we are good.

- Great !
- Great.

Great.
Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go celebrate.

Mozzarella stick ?

Fine, but don't snooze
on these fondues.

Why am I so cheese horny ?

This was a once-
in-a-generation deal, Tiff,

and it's fucked.

Like fully.

The other congressmen
won't even take a piss

without Harris' approval.

- What do I do ?
- I don't know.

Take advantage of a howler
of a happy hour menu ?

What ?

Our arrangement was just using
each other to get what we want.

You get to be the most
powerful guy in Manhattan,

and I get to be married to the
most powerful guy in Manhattan.

And that's it.
I'm just your beard, remember ?

Okay.
I'm sorry I snapped.

In my defense,
I'm under a lot of pressure,

and I'm also on steroids.

Blair.

Just because
we're fake and married

doesn't mean we still
can't be real friends.

I agree.
So as my best friend,

I'm asking you
to tell me what to do.

Give me the full Tiff.

It's simple. You've abandoned
what got you here.

Okay, you're not some slick bullshit
salesman who calls people Bubby.

You're an earnest,
hardworking genius

who calls his bubby
every Sunday.

You believe
in what you're selling.

Bank deregulation is good
for the country, right ?

So then just tell
Congressman Harris that.

Wow.
You're so right.

What are you waiting for ?

Hot off the press.

Actually, they're just warm
from this pizza

that I'm carrying,
but come on, Boss,

you gotta admit
that this is a dope moment.

Come on.

Come on, girl.

- Okay, it is.
- Yes !

Ever since you rescued my ass
from that secretary pool,

you have shown us all how
to be strong, successful women.

- Am I right ?
- Yeah.

When you found me, I was
the horse valet at Studio 54.

- I remember.
- I was a waitress.

I was profiling you at Saks.

That's right.
You the shit.

Come on, y'all.
Dawn.

Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.

Dawn, Dawn, Dawn...

What's going on ?

"Babes of Wall Street"

Damn !

Good thing you don't care
about all this pressure

'cause they drew you in a
bikini with your bush all out.

No, that's an ink blot.

Ink don't curl like that, girl.
That's bush.

I know bush when I see it.
I mean, I'm sure y'all

can see it from over there.
It's both sides.

- Joyce.
- Who think this a bush ?

Show of hands. This is like original
bush. You ain't never shave.

- Shut up.
- This is like virgin...

- Curly curl...
- Shut the fuck up !

I'm sorry.
I was just joking, you know ?

Take your bush, get your shit,

and get the fuck out.

You are fired.

But you said you didn't care
about this stuff. Like, you for real ?

What I said was get the fuck out !
That's what I said.

I said get the fuck out !

- Come on, Dawn
- You want to be next ?

Huh ?
Then get the fuck out of my face !

Dawn, your blood pressure.

I swear
to fucking God, Karen.

I swear, if you make
one more fucking sound,

one more sound...

- What...
- You better not breathe.

- What is happening ?
- You better not breathe !

And you better not talk.
Shut the fuck up !

- I'm gonna...
- Go !

I'm gonna...

All of you, you know what,

if you don't get out of
my face, I will send you back

to the shitholes
that I found you in.

Get out.

Sharon, get the fuck out.
Kelly, bitch, get out.

Vanessa, get the fuck out.
Marsha, get the fuck out.

Can you believe ?

Can you believe the level of
disrespect from these people ?

We wouldn't do you
like that.

Not us.
Three musketeers.

And for what it's worth,
the pube thing...

Sometimes I actually prefer...

Congressman Harris ?

Hi.
Blair Pfaff.

You might remember me from such
clumsy attempt at briberies

as earlier today.

I just wanted to apologize.

And now you have.
Excuse me.

You're right.

Bank deregulation
would benefit me greatly.

But that's precisely why it would
benefit the country even more.

It's trickle-down economics
at its purest.

If you give me one hour,

I can give you 25 reasons
why this'll make America great.

You have until
I get to my door.

- Okay.
- And we're there.

Uh, reason number one was
going to be an icebreaker,

so let's jump to two.
Regulation stifles innovation.

Three through six were jokes,
seven was a call back to one.

Eight requires a prop
that I do not have.

So that takes out
Nine, ten, and most of 11.

Twelve, do you know what time
you were born ?

It doesn't matter. Whatever you said,I
was gonna use your astrological sign

to get to Taurus, to get
to Bull Market, to get to 13.

International banks have
far fewer regulations,

which puts the U.S.
at a grave disadvantage.

Fourteen was intermission.
Time to go "pishin".

Welcome back.
Would anyone like a snack ?

Damn it, I forgot the snacks with
the props in my bag by the door.

- Fifteen...
- I found it.

Big finish, sir.

I am the only trader
who predicted Black Monday.

So believe me when I say
this is only the beginning

if we don't loosen our laws to compete
with foreign powers like Japan.

Otherwise, we might start calling
the White House the Yellow House.

Yeah.

I wasn't born
in these Bruno Maglis.

I earned them.

So I guess my question
for you is,

how'd you get yours ?

You wouldn't be the first person
to point out hypocrisy in Washington.

So I take that as a yes ?

That depends.

Wait.

I'm not gay.

- Neither am I.
- Oh.

Hey, Joyce,
uh, it's your girl, Dawn.

Um... just sorry about earlier.

I've been tripping.
You know you're not fired.

So, um, call me back.
Or I'll see you in the morning.

Bye.

Oh, wow.

Can you believe
we have our own shop ?

I know, right ?
Look at this place.

Ooh, I can't wait to put
this sucker on the desk.

Mo Monroe.
Founder, CEO, MO ?

- Why'd you put your name twice ?
- Oh, no, no. It wouldn't fit.

"...therfucker"

Ha !
Boom !

Been waiting for this
for so long.

Couldn't have done it
without you, baby.

I'm so excited. You know
we gotta start hiring ASAP.

We got to find
our first employee.

Oh, that would be you,
right ? I mean,

you're my number one
employee, baby.

It's always gonna be you.
Numero uno.

Employee ?
I'm your partner.

Yeah, uh, no.
I...No.

You're...
you're my head trader.

I thought you understood.

Dawn, I...I...

Come on, I raised
the seed money.

I got the seat
on the stock exchange.

- I don't deserve this.
- Of course you do, baby.

- You're brilliant.
- Mo, stop it, all right ?

I mean, I thought
we were partners.

You just said that you couldn't
have done this without me.

Yeah.

Wow.
I can't believe this.

You can't believe what ?
That yesterday, you were a secretary,

and today, you're the first Black
female head trader on the Street ?

Come on, Dawnie.
That's a huge promotion.

I thought you'd
be happy about this.

Look, if...

if you don't think
this is fair,

you can shop the deal
if you want, but...

where you gonna go ?

Think about it.

Hey, Joyce, um...

I'm so sorry.
I just...

I've been under
just a ton of pressure.

You know, running this place,
it's harder than I thought.

I mean, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but I really...

I really understand
where Mo was coming from.

All these years, you know,
yeah, we could have done

with a lot less face screamings,
but, you know, he got shit done.

And...

I miss him.

Hello ?

Hello ?

Hello !

Mo, Miami is the...

Keith, I'm on the fucking...
Shit !

Mo, Cubano ?

"Telecom's newest tool
to stop stalkers"

Asa Vish Motoring.
How can I help you ?

Hello ?

Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.

I found you.

You son of a bitch,
I found you.

Huh.
Great news.

I think I got you
exactly what you wanted.

- Revenge ?
- No.

Steak Diane
and potatoes au gratin,

blended with a nice glass
of Chateauneuf du Pape.

I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Yes.
Revenge, Lenny.

Revenge.

Here, drink your steak.

You call that medium-rare ?

BLACK MONDAY

END OF EPISODE 1
SEASON II