Black Monday (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - 278 - full transcript
Previously on Black Monday...
You know, Len, I think I
know what Mo's up to.
- The Georgina play?
- The Georgina play?
We don't have that kind of cash!
I will fucking borrow it, Dawn.
You named the place
the Jammer Group,
and nobody knows why!
You did such a great job at
getting them back together.
What about us?
Hi, everyone, I'm Alvin Rudnick,
uh, from Steinsteen
and Associates.
General counsel for
the Jammer Group.
Uh, Maurice asked me
to come here today
to give you all a,
um, brief course
in the do's and try-not-to-do's
of sexual harassment.
Sexual... harassment?
It's a new posish, dumbass.
Right, Rudnick?
All right, hit me with it.
I'm always trying to
spruce up my fuck game.
Like, huh! Huh! Huh!
Close.
Sexual harassment refers to
unfair treatment of
women in the workplace.
Now, the laws against it aren't
new, but enforcement is.
More like her-ass-meant
nothing to me.
Score one for Rodney Dangertits.
More like Howie Mandela.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Hit 'em with the part
about how you can't
put the moves on or kiss
or, you know, fall in love
with any of the
chicks in the office.
That's not entirely accurate.
Now, obviously, you can say
anything you want to a
woman, but the rules
on physical contact are
a bit more restricted.
So hypothetically, let's say
that one of you
tomcats has caught
a case of the fancies
for one of the
fine young fillies
I see trotting their tail
feathers around the office.
Hey, Al, me again.
I think people work better
with specific hypotheticals.
So let's just say that
one of the tomcats
in the office is, I
don't know, Blair.
Well, I'm engaged, so that
doesn't make a ton of sense.
Uh, you'd be surprised
how much fucking sense
it could make, Blair.
And let's say that,
I don't know,
one of these fillies
is, uh, Dawn,
since she's the only
chick we got here.
Uh, yeah, Rosemarie has a point.
Do these rules apply to a woman
of her, you know, decrepitude?
Sexual harassment
applies to all women...
Who are attractive...
- Okay.
- And of childbearing age.
In fact, the smoke
show clause stipulates
that there are 11 types...
- What?
- What?
What?
I just want everybody to have
a safe work environment.
So this has absolutely
nothing to do
with why you've been
acting so fucking weird
since the Manhattan Pageant?
I don't think I've
been acting weird.
I think you've been acting weird
'cause I didn't show
up at Cedar Tavern.
Well, I didn't show up either.
So why would I be pissed
that I have no idea
whether you showed up or not?
I don't know.
- Okay.
- Okay.
A visual aid.
- This is Dum-Dum.
- Show us your tits!
So we agree.
Nobody showed up
at Cedar Tavern,
so nobody's acting weird.
And this seminar is
just about respect.
Yes, and Wayne is
really respecting
the fuck out of that doll.
Yo, Alvy, is this kosher?
Oh-ho!
Obviously, everyone, that
was right on the line.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- SlimFast?
- Oh, yeah.
But not fast enough for Tiff.
She's kept me on a strict
wedding diet of, uh,
maltodextrin, carrageenan,
and phosphates.
- Yum.
- Mmm, science.
Hey, was it just me, or was
that meeting really odd?
I know, right? It sucks.
I mean, soon, we're not even
gonna be able to flirt.
Not you and me. I mean
in the workplace.
Yeah, no, not with... not us.
- No.
- No.
Um, no, but I was
talking about Mo.
Does he know about us
at the Cedar Tavern?
No. No, I mean, what
is there to know?
I mean, it was just a
drunken accident, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was just a-a
drunken accident.
- Like my little brother.
- Ah.
You kissed your brother too?
Uh, no, no, my... my parents
thought they were done
having kids, and then they were
using the rhythm method and...
- Somebody got off beat.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go eat this.
Nice.
Mm.
You Maurice Monroe?
- What the hell is this?
- You'll see.
Nice! Is that a new fax machine?
The Baud rates on
these are insane.
No.
LA number?
"For legal reasons, this
is not Michael Milken"
cordially not inviting you
and a guest to Los Angeles
"for the seventh annual
not-Predator's Ball."
Is that what I think it is?
I'm legitimately
asking that question
because I-I did not
understand the invitation.
Y-yeah, it's a
not-invitation, but yeah!
- That's what it is!
- Oh, yes!
I gotta go.
- Yes!
- Whoo! Right?
Whoo!
What are you chicks
squealing about?
Well, we were just not invited
to the Predator's Ball.
- What? This is crazy!
- Right?
This is exciting.
I know, but Wayne doesn't know.
What's the Predator's Ball?
Well, it's only the
only networking event
for the crème de la
crème, not hosted
by Michael "2 percent" Milken!
Oh, my God.
This guy is like the
Willy Wonka of money!
He's a matchmaker...
He connects money
to people that need it
at the most exclusive
party in the world.
Like the Illuminati,
but less butt stuff.
- Oh, I get that.
- LA, here we come.
Cowabunga, dudes.
Chillax. You're not going.
I'm taking Dawn.
- You are?
- You are?
I'm sorry. I know, Keith.
We dreamed about this
for years, right?
But my inside guy
at the SEC said
that they had a couple
of real bitch scouts
and they're coming
down really hard
on everybody on the street.
That's why Milken and
Bosky and everyone's
being so cautious, so I
need you to stay back
and throw a little party
of your own this weekend,
okay, a shred party.
So the SEC hires two chicks
and now I gotta
work this weekend?
Don't think about it as work.
You're gonna be the boss.
Okay, of the whole place.
Includin' Blair.
Yeah, but you said
he's untouchable.
He's getting a pube too
big for his briefs,
and I know just the
guy to take him down.
You know what?
Take this.
Stick it in your tie.
It's gonna drive him crazy.
All right!
Listen up, motherfuckers!
Keith is your god now!
Hi!
Hey, what's wrong with you?
You've been acting
weird all day.
- Are you nervous?
- Huh? No. I'm not nervous.
I just forgot how
much LA bums me out.
They should be nervous.
So should you.
Yeah, got a lot
riding on this, okay?
We need a lot of fucking cash,
and this is the place
we can get it.
Everybody needs cash.
I'm saying we finally got a shot
to play with the big boys, okay?
We gotta stay sharp.
Hey, I spent the whole
plane ride working
while you joined
the mile try club.
Talking about?
- Those stewardesses were deaf.
- They heard you.
Look, what I'm saying is,
this weekend is not
about work, okay?
It's gonna be unlike anything
you've ever seen before.
You have no idea what
you're walking into.
It's... imagine a party
thrown by Motley Crue
getting crashed by 2 Live Crew
with a bunch of guys who
rowed crew wearing J. Crew.
Wow, how long did it take
you to come up with that?
Well, we sat on that
tarmac about an hour,
so, like, seven hours.
Mo, truce, okay?
Now, come on, if
we're gonna do this,
we gotta work together.
What do you always say?
The Police Academy
trilogy is better
than the Star Wars trilogy.
No, the other thing.
- Fuck 'em all.
- Fuck 'em all.
Hey, Tiff, so slight
change of plans.
Are you coming home earlier?
'Cause I want to beat
Hamptons traffic, and
also, I was thinking,
we could take a ride
before the ride
if you catch my drift.
Why, do you need to grab
something before we go?
No, I'm talking about doing it.
God!
It's been so long,
you can't even catch
my drift anymore.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, I got it.
But... I-I... no, sadly,
uh, we all have to work
late tonight to do compliance.
- You mean a document shred?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
Duh, my family's loaded.
Look, Blair, we need
this weekend, okay?
Just... just tell 'em
that you can't stay.
Tiff, it doesn't
really work that way.
But, uh, but look, I
will make it up to you.
I'm sorry, we will leave
first thing tomorrow, okay?
I love you.
I love you.
Tiffany?
Tiff, are you there?
Okay, fellas, I know this
is a lot to shred tonight,
but I feel like if we
all work together,
we can be done by midnight,
so what do you say
we, uh, we toss in
for some din-din, huh?
Huh? Pick a menu, any menu.
Or we could live
dangerously and play
a little takeout roulette,
huh, what do you say?
Oh, no, no, no.
We're doing Thai.
Hookers.
- Wait, is that my tie pin?
- Not anymore, asshole.
Mo gave it to me, 'cause
we're best friends.
All right, come on, everybody.
Thai toots on Keith.
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya.
- Did I just come up with that?
- Nope.
Fucking animals.
Toot!
Wow.
What the fuck?
Mr. President.
Ooh, the Yankees are...
Uh...
Welcome!
I'm Not Michael Milken.
And this is not the
Predator's Ball!
You must be Dawn and Maurice.
I know because you're
our first blacks!
And you are our first woman.
Ooh. Aside from the pros.
Thank you?
Have fun! Enjoy yourself!
Try not to die!
Die! Die! Die! Die!
What the fuck? Georgina?
Hold on. Hold on. I got him!
Damn it.
Come on, now!
That's it! Watch it!
Oh! Come on!
Where are they?
- Ah!
- Ah! Get down!
Whoo!
No, I mean, you really dominated
the whole, like, American
Gladiators jousting.
I know I did; you know, I
dated Gemini for a minute.
You know, until he 'roided
his balls into raisins.
And he was a Leo, I'm a Cancer,
so we were incompatible.
Of course, I'm a cancer
in every relationship.
Oh. I'm glad you said it.
- Well, this is me.
- Yep. That's me.
This is you.
Yep.
Um...
What do you want
to do, I mean...
you want to call it, or...
I could always do one more.
Oh, yeah, you proved that.
Big day, Mo.
It's a fucking huge day.
- We need this money bad, kid.
- You keep saying that.
What is it you're
not telling me?
- Well, you know, I'm...
- Huh? What?
Look, after the Yakuza
almost took my finger,
they kind of freaked out
and made me give them
a small percentage
of the Jammer Group
as collateral.
Just collateral.
Wait, wait. How much?
It's not... it doesn't...
It's 30 percent.
But it's collateral.
It doesn't matter.
- Where were we?
- We were where we always are.
You not telling me shit.
I just fuckin' told you,
Dawn, would you chill?
We get the money back when
we catch up on the payments.
It's like a pawn shop.
I thought we agreed, now
that we're partners,
that you'd be fucking
honest with me...
- I thought the same thing.
- And I'd be honest with you!
- With each other!
- Exactly.
Until somebody lied about
showing up at Cedar Tavern.
And how would you know I was
there unless you were there?
Uh, because I know
how women work.
I know women stuff, I have
amazing women's intuition.
That's not how that works!
- Hello, Jammer Group.
- Blair? What the fuck?
You didn't come home last night.
What about the Hamptons?
Well, I'm... I'm sorry,
Keith and the guys sort of
ditched me with all
of the shredding.
Why do you let them bully you?
Tiffany, they're not
bullying me, okay?
Although I guess he did sort
of take my lunch money.
Okay, you need to stand
up for yourself.
Tiffany, I know you don't have
a lot of work experience,
but there is a chain of command
that needs to be respected.
Okay.
So you ruin our
romantic weekend,
but it's my fault 'cause
I'm some rich girl
who never worked, just
because I'm a rich girl
who never worked?
- Unlike your precious Dawn.
- What? What?
I don't... no, no.
I do not have feelings
for Dawn, all right?
I explained this
to you, I even...
I even showed you that
episode of Hogan's Heroes.
Look. I'm sorry. I will
make this up to you.
Have your dad get us
the most un-gettable
reservation tonight, okay?
And then afterwards,
we're gonna go home,
and I'm gonna twist you
into a hot pretzel
and inject you with
my nacho ch...
- I'm sorry, that was really...
- Yuck.
- My... my first attempt at...
- Pick me up at eight.
You ready?
Why don't you give her
30 percent of the company?
- She's looking at me.
- Oh, really?
Her butt cheeks have
fucking eyes now?
No, fucking eyes.
She looked at me.
It's impolite not to look back.
Maurice! Dawny!
What a wild night, huh?
Who are you?
Well, Not Michael Milken.
I thought we didn't
meet Milken yesterday.
Or didn't you? Not?
So, are you guys ready to meet
your monetary mystery date?
- Yeah. That's why we're here.
- Yeah.
All right. After you.
Thank you.
It's a shidduch.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh.
Is "shidduch" Jew
talk for "shit show"?
I thought this was a conference
for investors, not incestors.
- We will sue you.
- That is slander!
- That is slanderous!
- We will sue you.
Yeah, nothing personal,
but I can't stand
these evil Twinkies.
Well, the feeling is mutual.
Yeah, we both have that,
uh, same feeling.
But I personally
"Motel-the-Tailored"
this match specifically for
both of your two firms.
Come on! This thing is bashert!
Listen, I, for one, would
like to hear him out,
but maybe in English?
What's the point? The
Leighmans would never
make a deal that
didn't fuck me over.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's right.
And ditto. So, uh, next.
Maurice, wait a second.
Wait. There... there is no next.
What do you mean,
there's no next?
This place is fuckin' lousy
with rich white guys who
don't come in pairs.
Or each other.
- We can hear you!
- That's why I said it!
Look, this is all we have
for the Jammer Group.
There's not a lot of
deals that make sense
for a firm with your reputation.
Reputation?
This is the best
thing for everybody.
- Oh, this bullshit, huh?
- Mo.
- What?
- What do you mean, what?
The only reason we're here
is 'cause they need
a sucker, Dawn.
Look around.
One of these things is
not like the brother.
Come on, Dawn,
please, help me out.
- What do you mean, "Dawn"?
- Dawn. Your partner.
Mo, let's put emotions aside.
Let's hear him out.
We came all the way out
here to make this deal.
All the way to sunny California,
where I always get burned.
Trust me, Dawn, they are
going to fuck us, okay?
Now, whether you can
see it or not, I can.
Well, I see a deal to be made.
That's what I see.
Isn't that why you
brought me here?
No! I brought you here
so that you wouldn't try
to give it up to
half the office.
No, that's it, we're out.
What a shonda.
It wasn't half the
office, it was one guy,
and it was just a kiss,
I mean, except Mo.
Which I did everything except...
The Leighmans need to get
into the takeover game
without besmirching
their good name.
You guys need cash, right?
That's it. That's the deal.
Dawn, you are a
partner, am I right?
I don't know how they do their
milk here, but I love it.
It's all about the cows.
Guys. Look.
Mo's letting his emotions
get in the way of business.
He hates you, you hate him.
I hate that I love your outfits.
Brooks Brothers,
personal friends.
We met at the Twinternationals.
But we all love money.
Look.
The only thing that Mo has
ever been right about...
Is that we would never do a deal
that doesn't fuck
him like a brother.
What?
And to clarify,
I meant that in a
purely racist way,
not in the "brother sex" way.
What, why would anybody
jump to that, Lare?
- Nobody's jumping to that.
- Just double-checking.
- I did, kinda.
- She knows what racist is.
She's black.
Don't worry. I know
you're racist.
Thank you.
I just meant that we wouldn't
do a deal that
wouldn't screw Mo.
Who says that's off the table?
You've reached the Jammer Group.
We're not here.
Pick up, Blair.
Our reservation was an hour ago.
I am going to count to three.
One.
Two.
Oh, my God, you are fucked.
Two and a half!
Hey, kitty cat.
So, good news, bad news.
Um, I finally got rid
of that tie you hated,
but it kind of broke the
shredder in the proc...
Ow! Fuck! That smarts.
Hello, I'm, uh, here
to see a patient.
- Rod Jaminski?
- How'd you know?
We only have one patient.
Follow me.
Jesus.
Hey.
Hey, Jammer.
Blair!
Blair!
Tiffany?
Look, before you
start screaming...
Over here, boys!
This is an industrial
textile decimator.
Daddy uses it to keep
surplus inventory
from falling into the
hands of the homeless.
"Tiffany, nothing
ruins a brand faster
than seeing it on a bum."
I'm sorry I ruined our weekend.
It's not about that.
Blair, I am obsessed with you.
And when I see you
getting pushed around,
it makes me literally insane.
Well, from now on, no
one's pushing me around.
- Except for you.
- Ooh.
You can push my ass around.
- Tight little bottom.
- Yeah, my tight bottom.
Oh, you want to shred it, Mommy?
Oh, yeah. Do it.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
You like that?
Oh! My God.
Bottom line:
These hostile takeovers
throw off 10 X.
You can't get that leverage
anywhere in your
outdated sectors.
So what do you guys say?
Are you gonna let emotions
get in the way of business?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Really, you're in?
- No, yes.
We're gonna let emotions
get in the way.
Look, Dawn, we've known
you a long time.
You're a smart woman.
Which we would normally
find repulsive.
But we'd be willing to
overlook that for money.
Good.
What we can't overlook
is our evergreen hatred for Mo.
I thought you claimed this
deal would fuck him over.
More than you can ever dream.
Listening.
Because once this deal
is done, I'm done.
I'm leaving the Jammer Group.
- Why?
- Mo's unhinged.
He pawned a percentage
of our company
to the Yakuza without
even telling me.
I'm gonna do these
last few deals,
get my cut, and walk.
Without me, Mo's done.
Six months, tops.
He'll be broke, in jail,
dead, or all three.
So what do you guys say, huh?
You want to take
Mo off the board
and make a mint while doing it?
Uh...
You know, it's been a while
since I've been back,
and I don't want to hear
any shit about it, okay?
I-I did my time in Cali.
You did too.
I'm trying the Georgina Play.
Going for it.
Just like we always
dreamed about.
I mean, it should be the
rush of my life, right?
But I'm...
I'm distracted. I
keep losing focus.
Over a woman. Dawn.
I mean, I-I don't know what
to fucking do, Jammer.
Shit. You're alive.
I thought you were fully
fucking Von Bulow'd.
Take my watch off
and read me the
inscription on the back.
I know what it says, Jammer.
Well, then, don't be an asshole.
Take it off and read it.
Boy.
Oh, look at that. It
says "fuck 'em all."
Fuck 'em all.
I lived my whole life like that.
Money over everything
and everyone.
And look where I am now.
Uh, well, hold on a second.
I'm confused.
Are you telling me that
after all these years,
now you're saying
money doesn't matter,
that it's all about love?
You're dumb.
That's it, I just figured out,
you're fuckin' dumb.
I meant look where I am now.
The best medical facility
on the fuckin' planet.
Ah.
I bought the whole
goddamn place,
got rid of everybody,
and I got the best
medical technology,
which may make me live forever.
Everything I am, was, will be
is about money.
Love...
I thought you'd learned
your lesson after Connie.
No one gives a shit about you.
- Except...
- Me.
Attaboy. Yourself.
Peggy!
I think it's Penny. Penny!
Call Reynolds and Eloise
and cancel poker night.
And then call
Hefner and tell him
to rain-check Ms. September
through November.
Tell him it's a
family emergency.
Got it.
Now, you, you know
what you can do?
Get us a case of whiskey
older than I am.
And you and I will drink
this pathetic bitch
out of your head.
Sounds like a plan.
What the fuck was
I thinking about?
That was cool.
You just touched me
and you meant it.
I love that.
Thank you, Jammer.
I'm gonna be right back.
Let's party!
Hey. Tell me the truth.
I'm the first visitor he's
had in months, right?
Years.
Huh.
All right, thanks.
- Hey, Dawn. Listen.
- Mo, you listen.
Now, I somehow tricked the
Leighmans into giving us
an ass load of capital with
shitty terms for them,
and I know what
you're gonna say.
Do it.
- Wait, really?
- Dawn, you're my partner.
All right, and I'm
sorry if I haven't
always treated you that way.
You... you deserve better.
- You feel all right?
- No, I mean it.
I trust you.
And I hope someday you'll
be able to trust me again.
If you think this deal works,
I want you to go
ahead and do it.
Thank you.
Mazel, Dawny, you did it!
Let me guess. You're
Not Milken too.
Actually, I'm Not Milken
Three, but the truth is,
Milken is more of
an idea than a man.
He's in all of us.
Huh.
- Oh! Hey!
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh. Thank you.
- We appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
Ja. Think he bought it?
Oh, wow, what accent
are you doing?
I don't know. I thought
it was European.
Swedish vampire. Fuck!
Someone must've tipped
them off we're coming.
- This is confetti.
- Then we're fucked.
Let's just go back
to the office.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
We'll just, we'll put
it back together.
You know, we'll do the work.
No shortcuts.
You know if we go
back empty-handed,
the guys are gonna call us the
SEC-you-next-Tuesdays again.
That's gonna take forever!
No. We gotta get some
dirt on one of these guys
and blackmail the motherfucker
like some real
SEC-you-next-Tuesday...
Have a good one!
Bye!
Thank you for your garbage!
Whoa! Where do you think
you're going, bitch boy?
- Home. I finished.
- Bullshit.
How'd you finish that?
Show me, pantywaist.
- No.
- No?
I'm your boss. I command you.
Your days of bullying me
for no reason are over.
All right?
You're the reason I got fired.
You're gay. I know you're gay.
Ty told me. Ty told
me everything.
Yeah. I don't want to use
that information against you,
but if you don't stop
fucking with me,
I will tell everyone,
and I'll start with your family.
Maybe your kids first.
That seem right?
I'm gay?
That's fucking rich,
coming from you.
What?
Basura.
Oh, my God!
We got him!
Lights are staying on.
Dawn filled our bank!
- What's up, Dawn?
- Ah!
Hey, Dawn!
Yes!
Whoo!
Thank you, fellas!
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to
say thanks again.
Partner.
Look, I gotta be honest
with you, okay, I, um...
I did show up at Cedar Tavern.
For you.
But, uh, then I saw Blair and...
you know.
Yeah.
- And I went for you.
- Mm.
But when you didn't show
up, it just reminded me
of all the times
you let me down,
and so I got drunk and stupid.
- But...
- Boss, we got a problem.
Why didn't you
deliver the money?
The Yakuza wouldn't take it.
The fuck are you talking about?
They said someone
bought our debt.
What?
Mr. Monroe?
Call on line two.
- Yeah?
- Mo Money!
Len and Lare here. How's tricks?
'Cause we got one for you.
While you were focused
on getting us
to invest in your
tiny takeovers,
we went and acquired 30
percent of the Jammer Group.
Pretty reckless of you
to use company shares
as collateral with a
violent crime syndicate!
Oopsie. Dawn let it slip.
And then we went and
bought them off.
Anyhoo, just make sure
those dividend checks
are on time, shithead.
You know what? I'm
thinking we should
change our names to
the Leighman Brothas.
Mo.
How the fuck could you
be so fucking stupid?
Get out of my office, Dawn.
You know, Len, I think I
know what Mo's up to.
- The Georgina play?
- The Georgina play?
We don't have that kind of cash!
I will fucking borrow it, Dawn.
You named the place
the Jammer Group,
and nobody knows why!
You did such a great job at
getting them back together.
What about us?
Hi, everyone, I'm Alvin Rudnick,
uh, from Steinsteen
and Associates.
General counsel for
the Jammer Group.
Uh, Maurice asked me
to come here today
to give you all a,
um, brief course
in the do's and try-not-to-do's
of sexual harassment.
Sexual... harassment?
It's a new posish, dumbass.
Right, Rudnick?
All right, hit me with it.
I'm always trying to
spruce up my fuck game.
Like, huh! Huh! Huh!
Close.
Sexual harassment refers to
unfair treatment of
women in the workplace.
Now, the laws against it aren't
new, but enforcement is.
More like her-ass-meant
nothing to me.
Score one for Rodney Dangertits.
More like Howie Mandela.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
Hit 'em with the part
about how you can't
put the moves on or kiss
or, you know, fall in love
with any of the
chicks in the office.
That's not entirely accurate.
Now, obviously, you can say
anything you want to a
woman, but the rules
on physical contact are
a bit more restricted.
So hypothetically, let's say
that one of you
tomcats has caught
a case of the fancies
for one of the
fine young fillies
I see trotting their tail
feathers around the office.
Hey, Al, me again.
I think people work better
with specific hypotheticals.
So let's just say that
one of the tomcats
in the office is, I
don't know, Blair.
Well, I'm engaged, so that
doesn't make a ton of sense.
Uh, you'd be surprised
how much fucking sense
it could make, Blair.
And let's say that,
I don't know,
one of these fillies
is, uh, Dawn,
since she's the only
chick we got here.
Uh, yeah, Rosemarie has a point.
Do these rules apply to a woman
of her, you know, decrepitude?
Sexual harassment
applies to all women...
Who are attractive...
- Okay.
- And of childbearing age.
In fact, the smoke
show clause stipulates
that there are 11 types...
- What?
- What?
What?
I just want everybody to have
a safe work environment.
So this has absolutely
nothing to do
with why you've been
acting so fucking weird
since the Manhattan Pageant?
I don't think I've
been acting weird.
I think you've been acting weird
'cause I didn't show
up at Cedar Tavern.
Well, I didn't show up either.
So why would I be pissed
that I have no idea
whether you showed up or not?
I don't know.
- Okay.
- Okay.
A visual aid.
- This is Dum-Dum.
- Show us your tits!
So we agree.
Nobody showed up
at Cedar Tavern,
so nobody's acting weird.
And this seminar is
just about respect.
Yes, and Wayne is
really respecting
the fuck out of that doll.
Yo, Alvy, is this kosher?
Oh-ho!
Obviously, everyone, that
was right on the line.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- SlimFast?
- Oh, yeah.
But not fast enough for Tiff.
She's kept me on a strict
wedding diet of, uh,
maltodextrin, carrageenan,
and phosphates.
- Yum.
- Mmm, science.
Hey, was it just me, or was
that meeting really odd?
I know, right? It sucks.
I mean, soon, we're not even
gonna be able to flirt.
Not you and me. I mean
in the workplace.
Yeah, no, not with... not us.
- No.
- No.
Um, no, but I was
talking about Mo.
Does he know about us
at the Cedar Tavern?
No. No, I mean, what
is there to know?
I mean, it was just a
drunken accident, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was just a-a
drunken accident.
- Like my little brother.
- Ah.
You kissed your brother too?
Uh, no, no, my... my parents
thought they were done
having kids, and then they were
using the rhythm method and...
- Somebody got off beat.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go eat this.
Nice.
Mm.
You Maurice Monroe?
- What the hell is this?
- You'll see.
Nice! Is that a new fax machine?
The Baud rates on
these are insane.
No.
LA number?
"For legal reasons, this
is not Michael Milken"
cordially not inviting you
and a guest to Los Angeles
"for the seventh annual
not-Predator's Ball."
Is that what I think it is?
I'm legitimately
asking that question
because I-I did not
understand the invitation.
Y-yeah, it's a
not-invitation, but yeah!
- That's what it is!
- Oh, yes!
I gotta go.
- Yes!
- Whoo! Right?
Whoo!
What are you chicks
squealing about?
Well, we were just not invited
to the Predator's Ball.
- What? This is crazy!
- Right?
This is exciting.
I know, but Wayne doesn't know.
What's the Predator's Ball?
Well, it's only the
only networking event
for the crème de la
crème, not hosted
by Michael "2 percent" Milken!
Oh, my God.
This guy is like the
Willy Wonka of money!
He's a matchmaker...
He connects money
to people that need it
at the most exclusive
party in the world.
Like the Illuminati,
but less butt stuff.
- Oh, I get that.
- LA, here we come.
Cowabunga, dudes.
Chillax. You're not going.
I'm taking Dawn.
- You are?
- You are?
I'm sorry. I know, Keith.
We dreamed about this
for years, right?
But my inside guy
at the SEC said
that they had a couple
of real bitch scouts
and they're coming
down really hard
on everybody on the street.
That's why Milken and
Bosky and everyone's
being so cautious, so I
need you to stay back
and throw a little party
of your own this weekend,
okay, a shred party.
So the SEC hires two chicks
and now I gotta
work this weekend?
Don't think about it as work.
You're gonna be the boss.
Okay, of the whole place.
Includin' Blair.
Yeah, but you said
he's untouchable.
He's getting a pube too
big for his briefs,
and I know just the
guy to take him down.
You know what?
Take this.
Stick it in your tie.
It's gonna drive him crazy.
All right!
Listen up, motherfuckers!
Keith is your god now!
Hi!
Hey, what's wrong with you?
You've been acting
weird all day.
- Are you nervous?
- Huh? No. I'm not nervous.
I just forgot how
much LA bums me out.
They should be nervous.
So should you.
Yeah, got a lot
riding on this, okay?
We need a lot of fucking cash,
and this is the place
we can get it.
Everybody needs cash.
I'm saying we finally got a shot
to play with the big boys, okay?
We gotta stay sharp.
Hey, I spent the whole
plane ride working
while you joined
the mile try club.
Talking about?
- Those stewardesses were deaf.
- They heard you.
Look, what I'm saying is,
this weekend is not
about work, okay?
It's gonna be unlike anything
you've ever seen before.
You have no idea what
you're walking into.
It's... imagine a party
thrown by Motley Crue
getting crashed by 2 Live Crew
with a bunch of guys who
rowed crew wearing J. Crew.
Wow, how long did it take
you to come up with that?
Well, we sat on that
tarmac about an hour,
so, like, seven hours.
Mo, truce, okay?
Now, come on, if
we're gonna do this,
we gotta work together.
What do you always say?
The Police Academy
trilogy is better
than the Star Wars trilogy.
No, the other thing.
- Fuck 'em all.
- Fuck 'em all.
Hey, Tiff, so slight
change of plans.
Are you coming home earlier?
'Cause I want to beat
Hamptons traffic, and
also, I was thinking,
we could take a ride
before the ride
if you catch my drift.
Why, do you need to grab
something before we go?
No, I'm talking about doing it.
God!
It's been so long,
you can't even catch
my drift anymore.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, I got it.
But... I-I... no, sadly,
uh, we all have to work
late tonight to do compliance.
- You mean a document shred?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
Duh, my family's loaded.
Look, Blair, we need
this weekend, okay?
Just... just tell 'em
that you can't stay.
Tiff, it doesn't
really work that way.
But, uh, but look, I
will make it up to you.
I'm sorry, we will leave
first thing tomorrow, okay?
I love you.
I love you.
Tiffany?
Tiff, are you there?
Okay, fellas, I know this
is a lot to shred tonight,
but I feel like if we
all work together,
we can be done by midnight,
so what do you say
we, uh, we toss in
for some din-din, huh?
Huh? Pick a menu, any menu.
Or we could live
dangerously and play
a little takeout roulette,
huh, what do you say?
Oh, no, no, no.
We're doing Thai.
Hookers.
- Wait, is that my tie pin?
- Not anymore, asshole.
Mo gave it to me, 'cause
we're best friends.
All right, come on, everybody.
Thai toots on Keith.
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya.
- Did I just come up with that?
- Nope.
Fucking animals.
Toot!
Wow.
What the fuck?
Mr. President.
Ooh, the Yankees are...
Uh...
Welcome!
I'm Not Michael Milken.
And this is not the
Predator's Ball!
You must be Dawn and Maurice.
I know because you're
our first blacks!
And you are our first woman.
Ooh. Aside from the pros.
Thank you?
Have fun! Enjoy yourself!
Try not to die!
Die! Die! Die! Die!
What the fuck? Georgina?
Hold on. Hold on. I got him!
Damn it.
Come on, now!
That's it! Watch it!
Oh! Come on!
Where are they?
- Ah!
- Ah! Get down!
Whoo!
No, I mean, you really dominated
the whole, like, American
Gladiators jousting.
I know I did; you know, I
dated Gemini for a minute.
You know, until he 'roided
his balls into raisins.
And he was a Leo, I'm a Cancer,
so we were incompatible.
Of course, I'm a cancer
in every relationship.
Oh. I'm glad you said it.
- Well, this is me.
- Yep. That's me.
This is you.
Yep.
Um...
What do you want
to do, I mean...
you want to call it, or...
I could always do one more.
Oh, yeah, you proved that.
Big day, Mo.
It's a fucking huge day.
- We need this money bad, kid.
- You keep saying that.
What is it you're
not telling me?
- Well, you know, I'm...
- Huh? What?
Look, after the Yakuza
almost took my finger,
they kind of freaked out
and made me give them
a small percentage
of the Jammer Group
as collateral.
Just collateral.
Wait, wait. How much?
It's not... it doesn't...
It's 30 percent.
But it's collateral.
It doesn't matter.
- Where were we?
- We were where we always are.
You not telling me shit.
I just fuckin' told you,
Dawn, would you chill?
We get the money back when
we catch up on the payments.
It's like a pawn shop.
I thought we agreed, now
that we're partners,
that you'd be fucking
honest with me...
- I thought the same thing.
- And I'd be honest with you!
- With each other!
- Exactly.
Until somebody lied about
showing up at Cedar Tavern.
And how would you know I was
there unless you were there?
Uh, because I know
how women work.
I know women stuff, I have
amazing women's intuition.
That's not how that works!
- Hello, Jammer Group.
- Blair? What the fuck?
You didn't come home last night.
What about the Hamptons?
Well, I'm... I'm sorry,
Keith and the guys sort of
ditched me with all
of the shredding.
Why do you let them bully you?
Tiffany, they're not
bullying me, okay?
Although I guess he did sort
of take my lunch money.
Okay, you need to stand
up for yourself.
Tiffany, I know you don't have
a lot of work experience,
but there is a chain of command
that needs to be respected.
Okay.
So you ruin our
romantic weekend,
but it's my fault 'cause
I'm some rich girl
who never worked, just
because I'm a rich girl
who never worked?
- Unlike your precious Dawn.
- What? What?
I don't... no, no.
I do not have feelings
for Dawn, all right?
I explained this
to you, I even...
I even showed you that
episode of Hogan's Heroes.
Look. I'm sorry. I will
make this up to you.
Have your dad get us
the most un-gettable
reservation tonight, okay?
And then afterwards,
we're gonna go home,
and I'm gonna twist you
into a hot pretzel
and inject you with
my nacho ch...
- I'm sorry, that was really...
- Yuck.
- My... my first attempt at...
- Pick me up at eight.
You ready?
Why don't you give her
30 percent of the company?
- She's looking at me.
- Oh, really?
Her butt cheeks have
fucking eyes now?
No, fucking eyes.
She looked at me.
It's impolite not to look back.
Maurice! Dawny!
What a wild night, huh?
Who are you?
Well, Not Michael Milken.
I thought we didn't
meet Milken yesterday.
Or didn't you? Not?
So, are you guys ready to meet
your monetary mystery date?
- Yeah. That's why we're here.
- Yeah.
All right. After you.
Thank you.
It's a shidduch.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh.
Is "shidduch" Jew
talk for "shit show"?
I thought this was a conference
for investors, not incestors.
- We will sue you.
- That is slander!
- That is slanderous!
- We will sue you.
Yeah, nothing personal,
but I can't stand
these evil Twinkies.
Well, the feeling is mutual.
Yeah, we both have that,
uh, same feeling.
But I personally
"Motel-the-Tailored"
this match specifically for
both of your two firms.
Come on! This thing is bashert!
Listen, I, for one, would
like to hear him out,
but maybe in English?
What's the point? The
Leighmans would never
make a deal that
didn't fuck me over.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's right.
And ditto. So, uh, next.
Maurice, wait a second.
Wait. There... there is no next.
What do you mean,
there's no next?
This place is fuckin' lousy
with rich white guys who
don't come in pairs.
Or each other.
- We can hear you!
- That's why I said it!
Look, this is all we have
for the Jammer Group.
There's not a lot of
deals that make sense
for a firm with your reputation.
Reputation?
This is the best
thing for everybody.
- Oh, this bullshit, huh?
- Mo.
- What?
- What do you mean, what?
The only reason we're here
is 'cause they need
a sucker, Dawn.
Look around.
One of these things is
not like the brother.
Come on, Dawn,
please, help me out.
- What do you mean, "Dawn"?
- Dawn. Your partner.
Mo, let's put emotions aside.
Let's hear him out.
We came all the way out
here to make this deal.
All the way to sunny California,
where I always get burned.
Trust me, Dawn, they are
going to fuck us, okay?
Now, whether you can
see it or not, I can.
Well, I see a deal to be made.
That's what I see.
Isn't that why you
brought me here?
No! I brought you here
so that you wouldn't try
to give it up to
half the office.
No, that's it, we're out.
What a shonda.
It wasn't half the
office, it was one guy,
and it was just a kiss,
I mean, except Mo.
Which I did everything except...
The Leighmans need to get
into the takeover game
without besmirching
their good name.
You guys need cash, right?
That's it. That's the deal.
Dawn, you are a
partner, am I right?
I don't know how they do their
milk here, but I love it.
It's all about the cows.
Guys. Look.
Mo's letting his emotions
get in the way of business.
He hates you, you hate him.
I hate that I love your outfits.
Brooks Brothers,
personal friends.
We met at the Twinternationals.
But we all love money.
Look.
The only thing that Mo has
ever been right about...
Is that we would never do a deal
that doesn't fuck
him like a brother.
What?
And to clarify,
I meant that in a
purely racist way,
not in the "brother sex" way.
What, why would anybody
jump to that, Lare?
- Nobody's jumping to that.
- Just double-checking.
- I did, kinda.
- She knows what racist is.
She's black.
Don't worry. I know
you're racist.
Thank you.
I just meant that we wouldn't
do a deal that
wouldn't screw Mo.
Who says that's off the table?
You've reached the Jammer Group.
We're not here.
Pick up, Blair.
Our reservation was an hour ago.
I am going to count to three.
One.
Two.
Oh, my God, you are fucked.
Two and a half!
Hey, kitty cat.
So, good news, bad news.
Um, I finally got rid
of that tie you hated,
but it kind of broke the
shredder in the proc...
Ow! Fuck! That smarts.
Hello, I'm, uh, here
to see a patient.
- Rod Jaminski?
- How'd you know?
We only have one patient.
Follow me.
Jesus.
Hey.
Hey, Jammer.
Blair!
Blair!
Tiffany?
Look, before you
start screaming...
Over here, boys!
This is an industrial
textile decimator.
Daddy uses it to keep
surplus inventory
from falling into the
hands of the homeless.
"Tiffany, nothing
ruins a brand faster
than seeing it on a bum."
I'm sorry I ruined our weekend.
It's not about that.
Blair, I am obsessed with you.
And when I see you
getting pushed around,
it makes me literally insane.
Well, from now on, no
one's pushing me around.
- Except for you.
- Ooh.
You can push my ass around.
- Tight little bottom.
- Yeah, my tight bottom.
Oh, you want to shred it, Mommy?
Oh, yeah. Do it.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
You like that?
Oh! My God.
Bottom line:
These hostile takeovers
throw off 10 X.
You can't get that leverage
anywhere in your
outdated sectors.
So what do you guys say?
Are you gonna let emotions
get in the way of business?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Really, you're in?
- No, yes.
We're gonna let emotions
get in the way.
Look, Dawn, we've known
you a long time.
You're a smart woman.
Which we would normally
find repulsive.
But we'd be willing to
overlook that for money.
Good.
What we can't overlook
is our evergreen hatred for Mo.
I thought you claimed this
deal would fuck him over.
More than you can ever dream.
Listening.
Because once this deal
is done, I'm done.
I'm leaving the Jammer Group.
- Why?
- Mo's unhinged.
He pawned a percentage
of our company
to the Yakuza without
even telling me.
I'm gonna do these
last few deals,
get my cut, and walk.
Without me, Mo's done.
Six months, tops.
He'll be broke, in jail,
dead, or all three.
So what do you guys say, huh?
You want to take
Mo off the board
and make a mint while doing it?
Uh...
You know, it's been a while
since I've been back,
and I don't want to hear
any shit about it, okay?
I-I did my time in Cali.
You did too.
I'm trying the Georgina Play.
Going for it.
Just like we always
dreamed about.
I mean, it should be the
rush of my life, right?
But I'm...
I'm distracted. I
keep losing focus.
Over a woman. Dawn.
I mean, I-I don't know what
to fucking do, Jammer.
Shit. You're alive.
I thought you were fully
fucking Von Bulow'd.
Take my watch off
and read me the
inscription on the back.
I know what it says, Jammer.
Well, then, don't be an asshole.
Take it off and read it.
Boy.
Oh, look at that. It
says "fuck 'em all."
Fuck 'em all.
I lived my whole life like that.
Money over everything
and everyone.
And look where I am now.
Uh, well, hold on a second.
I'm confused.
Are you telling me that
after all these years,
now you're saying
money doesn't matter,
that it's all about love?
You're dumb.
That's it, I just figured out,
you're fuckin' dumb.
I meant look where I am now.
The best medical facility
on the fuckin' planet.
Ah.
I bought the whole
goddamn place,
got rid of everybody,
and I got the best
medical technology,
which may make me live forever.
Everything I am, was, will be
is about money.
Love...
I thought you'd learned
your lesson after Connie.
No one gives a shit about you.
- Except...
- Me.
Attaboy. Yourself.
Peggy!
I think it's Penny. Penny!
Call Reynolds and Eloise
and cancel poker night.
And then call
Hefner and tell him
to rain-check Ms. September
through November.
Tell him it's a
family emergency.
Got it.
Now, you, you know
what you can do?
Get us a case of whiskey
older than I am.
And you and I will drink
this pathetic bitch
out of your head.
Sounds like a plan.
What the fuck was
I thinking about?
That was cool.
You just touched me
and you meant it.
I love that.
Thank you, Jammer.
I'm gonna be right back.
Let's party!
Hey. Tell me the truth.
I'm the first visitor he's
had in months, right?
Years.
Huh.
All right, thanks.
- Hey, Dawn. Listen.
- Mo, you listen.
Now, I somehow tricked the
Leighmans into giving us
an ass load of capital with
shitty terms for them,
and I know what
you're gonna say.
Do it.
- Wait, really?
- Dawn, you're my partner.
All right, and I'm
sorry if I haven't
always treated you that way.
You... you deserve better.
- You feel all right?
- No, I mean it.
I trust you.
And I hope someday you'll
be able to trust me again.
If you think this deal works,
I want you to go
ahead and do it.
Thank you.
Mazel, Dawny, you did it!
Let me guess. You're
Not Milken too.
Actually, I'm Not Milken
Three, but the truth is,
Milken is more of
an idea than a man.
He's in all of us.
Huh.
- Oh! Hey!
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh. Thank you.
- We appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
Ja. Think he bought it?
Oh, wow, what accent
are you doing?
I don't know. I thought
it was European.
Swedish vampire. Fuck!
Someone must've tipped
them off we're coming.
- This is confetti.
- Then we're fucked.
Let's just go back
to the office.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
We'll just, we'll put
it back together.
You know, we'll do the work.
No shortcuts.
You know if we go
back empty-handed,
the guys are gonna call us the
SEC-you-next-Tuesdays again.
That's gonna take forever!
No. We gotta get some
dirt on one of these guys
and blackmail the motherfucker
like some real
SEC-you-next-Tuesday...
Have a good one!
Bye!
Thank you for your garbage!
Whoa! Where do you think
you're going, bitch boy?
- Home. I finished.
- Bullshit.
How'd you finish that?
Show me, pantywaist.
- No.
- No?
I'm your boss. I command you.
Your days of bullying me
for no reason are over.
All right?
You're the reason I got fired.
You're gay. I know you're gay.
Ty told me. Ty told
me everything.
Yeah. I don't want to use
that information against you,
but if you don't stop
fucking with me,
I will tell everyone,
and I'll start with your family.
Maybe your kids first.
That seem right?
I'm gay?
That's fucking rich,
coming from you.
What?
Basura.
Oh, my God!
We got him!
Lights are staying on.
Dawn filled our bank!
- What's up, Dawn?
- Ah!
Hey, Dawn!
Yes!
Whoo!
Thank you, fellas!
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to
say thanks again.
Partner.
Look, I gotta be honest
with you, okay, I, um...
I did show up at Cedar Tavern.
For you.
But, uh, then I saw Blair and...
you know.
Yeah.
- And I went for you.
- Mm.
But when you didn't show
up, it just reminded me
of all the times
you let me down,
and so I got drunk and stupid.
- But...
- Boss, we got a problem.
Why didn't you
deliver the money?
The Yakuza wouldn't take it.
The fuck are you talking about?
They said someone
bought our debt.
What?
Mr. Monroe?
Call on line two.
- Yeah?
- Mo Money!
Len and Lare here. How's tricks?
'Cause we got one for you.
While you were focused
on getting us
to invest in your
tiny takeovers,
we went and acquired 30
percent of the Jammer Group.
Pretty reckless of you
to use company shares
as collateral with a
violent crime syndicate!
Oopsie. Dawn let it slip.
And then we went and
bought them off.
Anyhoo, just make sure
those dividend checks
are on time, shithead.
You know what? I'm
thinking we should
change our names to
the Leighman Brothas.
Mo.
How the fuck could you
be so fucking stupid?
Get out of my office, Dawn.