Black Monday (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - 312 - full transcript
Previously, on Black Monday...
You borrowed money from actual
villains who will cripple us.
All you have to do is
keep Blair in the dark
until he marries
that Georgina chick.
- Hi there!
- I didn't hate
your Blair plan; I hated
that you didn't tell me!
How do you guys get it done?
I just don't feel
like there's enough
- hours in the day.
- Cocaine.
Should I try some?
You know what? Fuck your dad!
I would rather fuck my father!
I broke up with Tiff!
I'm not getting a real
"I made a huge mistake
"and I'm rushing back to
my fiancée" vibe off him.
I mean, it's gonna be tough
to do the Georgina play
- without the Georgina.
- Nah, it's fine.
You know, it's... He's just
making cash for the first time.
I mean, you remember the
moneymoon period, Dawn.
He'll get sick of this shit.
It's like when the nuns
caught me smoking.
They locked me in the closet.
They made me smoke a whole
carton of cigarettes
till I didn't want another
fuckin' cigarette
- as long as I lived.
- Hmm.
It's been a month, Mo.
We gotta step in.
No, no, no... he's gonna
get it outta his system.
Don't worry about it.
- Come on, Blair.
- Come on.
- Yeah. Ha. Hey, hey, kid.
- Oh, yeah...
Guys he's gonna be okay?
Oh, good. You gave us
quite a scare, Blair!
Hey, buddy, I'd say being dead
for a song and a
half kinda qualifies
as hittin' rock bottom,
don't ya think?
Hey, maybe we should call Tiff?
- Let's call Tiff, buddy.
- Let's call her.
Let's call her.
Fuck that bitch.
Okay. "Fuck that bitch"
isn't the best start,
but Blair is a puss.
Deep down, he still loves Tiff.
We just have to remind him of
that, and he'll take her back.
I'm way ahead of you.
And these are...
Contestants for the
Manhattan Pageant.
Jesus. Are you still
doing that dumb shit?
Dawn, it's a venerable
Wall Street tradition
to auction off the most
eligible pit trader.
Look, just because
I moved upstairs
doesn't mean I forgot
where I came from.
It's a very prestigious honor
to be asked to emcee
this thing, you know.
- You're emceeing?
- Hey,
well, when you set the all-time
auction record, baby...
By having a couple of trick hos,
as in tricka-mo-niasis?
Get into a bidding war
over you with your money?
It's for charity! The
Afghani Mujahideen are
in the fight for their lives
with these Russian bastards.
Fine, fine, fine. What
does this have to do with
getting Blair and
Tiff back together?
It is a honeypot, Dawn.
A honeypot?
Hogan's Heroes. Classic con.
Look, we just have
to convince Blair
that Tiff is dating a
newer, hotter guy.
He's gonna get jealous, and
he's gonna want her back.
And there is no hotter
guy than Jackson Polack.
Ha. Yeah, the traders
call him that
because he's Polish and he
splatter-painted half the town.
Ehh. I get it.
- Ten.
- Ten.
Polish joke.
Exactly. Guy'll do
anything for a buck.
Foolproof.
So your plan is foolproof
because it worked on a sit-com?
Everything works on a sit-com.
There's two different TV shows
with little black midgets
playing rich white
people's kids.
Come on!
Can we just please try
it my way for once?
Let's just talk to the kid
about the power of love.
The Huey Lewis song?
How's that gonna help?
Keith!
Yo! What's up, boss?
Is... so weird calling
a chick a boss.
It's the weirdest thing
that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, it's crazy. Listen,
I need you to take
these big payments
over to the Yakuza.
Little behind on my loans.
Uh, Do-Mo arigato...
- Stop it, please.
- Jesus Christ.
You know, actually, I have
tics to a show tonight,
so maybe I can drop
this off tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, that's no problem.
I don't mind getting my dick
teppanyaki'd by the Yakuza
'cause you wanna go see
Starlight Express for
the tenth fucking time.
It's layered, okay? Ha.
The whole show is actually
a young boy's dream
as he kind of teeters
on the cusp of manhood
Ah. Fine.
Is it me, or is he
getting weirder?
He's definitely getting whiter.
Thank you, Kyle.
It's so cool you
live in a hotel.
You're like Eloise.
I don't know who that chick is,
but, yeah, it's pretty nice.
You know, it's just temporary,
till I get my own place.
- I been lookin' around.
- For the last 15 years.
Do they give you, like, a
monthly rate or something?
Mm-hmm.
So Blair, how are you?
I can't imagine how
hard it must be
to be apart from the
love of your life.
Iiiit's pretty great.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Tiff's been living
with her parents
uptown, so I get to do
whatever, whenever.
Last night, I ordered
ethnic food.
- Oh, hard to argue with that!
- Oh!
But I will, because,
Blair, love is dope.
Ah, exactly. Ethnic food...
You know, it gets old.
Except falafels. Now, those
fuckers are built to last.
Like true love.
You know? And it doesn't
come around often.
You don't wanna be
the 40-year-old guy
in the club that
everybody feels bad for.
Well, I-I don't know that
they feel bad for the guy
so much as they wanna
high-five him, you know,
for not settling.
You know what I'm
talking about, right?
No! Blair wouldn't be settling.
I mean, Tiff is his soul mate
just like Spencer
is my soul mate.
I agree with the Tiff
part of that sentence.
I'm just saying that, you know,
sometimes it's brave to be alone
instead of, you know,
settling for the first
lame-ass doctor that
you lay eyes on
that satisfies your
parents but not you.
Sexually.
I'm sorry... is Tiff
the limp dick doctor
- in this scenario?
- You know what?
It is brave to not
jump off a roof
when your best
friend is a robot.
Well, if Short Circuit has
taught us anything...
Blair, everyone needs
someone to share life with,
someone to share a
bottle of wine with
at the end of a shitty
day and toast to not...
dying alone in a hotel room.
With a fuck machine in...
- Jesus Christ.
- A coke-induced haze...
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
Yeah. That the fuck.
I'm sorry that you had to find
out like this, kid, all right?
I got a friend over at Page
Six, the socialite beat.
Is Tiff like out there?
Yeah, I'm afraid so, champ.
Word on the street...
This guy's hung like a hose.
You mean horse.
I do not.
I mean, I know I
broke up with her,
but I just didn't expect... this
this soon... I...
- I gotta go find her.
- Yeah.
'Scuse me.
See ya, buddy.
Right?
- Mission accomplished.
- No.
Let's go celebrate.
Cedar Tavern.
What do you say?
I am going home to my husband.
You wanna bag all
this up for him?
You know, I appreciate
a man with hips.
Oh, good. 'Cause he's got those.
Enjoy fucking Kyle.
Jealous!
Y-you can't take
that kinda shit to heart, Kyle.
Just let it roll off your back.
Tiff?
- Spence?
- In the bedroom, babe.
Hey, bring us a
bottle of wine, yeah?
Kyle? I'm home.
Kyle?
Papa Bear, I've been naughty...
Hey!
I thought we were
gonna get busy.
Oh, babe, I'm so full,
I can hardly move.
You can do stuff
to me if you like.
Mm-mm.
Would you get me a paper towel?
- Dip it in some cold water.
- I'll even
- wipe it off of you.
- Ooh! You don't wanna
lick it off?
And... scene. That
felt really good.
You think Body Heat's a weird
movie to audition with?
I just really wanna get
into this acting class.
Maybe I'd loosen up
if we had sex again.
- Ah.
- Yeah. Then we can clean up
all the laundry that
we knocked over
- when we had sex in the hall.
- Yes! Ohh...
- Rrr!
- Rrr!
Ah... ahh!
Mo, we've got a problem.
Yeah, you're damn right we do...
the Yakuza killed Kyle!
Where the fuck is Keith?
- I been trying him all night!
- He just skipped in
singing show tunes.
Look at this shit. I
had it translated.
It's something Kyle
would have done.
He loves languages...
Loved languages.
Oh, fuck me!
- They never got their money?
- No!
- Keith!
- Keith!
Hey. You screamed?
What happened with the drop?
The Yakuza never got
their fucking cash!
Whaaat? That doesn't
make any sen...
You just save it for the Yakuza
that I'm sending to your
house to get their money
outta the fillings in your
children's goddamn teeth!
That's pretty dark. Your
Rachel's godfather.
- Go handle it!
- On it.
Mo, I'm sorry.
All robocide aside, but
we've got bigger issues.
Bigger than me getting
my dick chopped off?
You're gonna be broke.
This fuckin' day!
What the fuck did you do?
The Yakuza didn't
get their money.
I asked you to do
one simple thing.
- Whaaa...
- Oh, don't "whaaat?" me!
'Cause I was just in
there "whaaat" ing Mo!
Look, this chick Geena
I been mackin' on
beeped me 69-1-1. That's
an oral emergency.
- I had Wayne do it.
- Wayne?
- Yeah.
- Wayne's a test tube baby!
Why the fuck would you do that?
Same reason you had me do
it, so you could go see
fuckin' Starlight Express again?
It's layered, okay?
Greaseball represents
the twilight of the...
Industrial Revolution...
before it got... You
got the Wayniac.
The Yakuza didn't
get their money!
- Whaaaat?
- No. Nope, Wayne.
- Where the fuck are you?
- Home sick.
Jeez! Hey, unrelated to that,
I just wanted to
let you guys know
how much fun I've had
workin' with you.
You're not just good.
- You're golden.
- Are you dying?
Is that the Golden
Grahams slogan?
This is the final boarding
call for flight...
Wayne... are you at LaGuardia?
No, man, I told ya,
I'm at the movies.
You just said you
were home sick.
Tell me you did not
take the VIG money
that we owe murderers
and put it all on the
LaGuardia Spread.
This call has been disconnected.
Fuck!
Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
You! Are there any
abnormally huge positions
- open on Wayne's account? Go!
- What? Wayne's a day scalper.
He never trades
anything larger than...
Oh, God!
Wayne's long 100,000
contracts of feeder cattle?
- On margin.
- Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
My name's Karen, by the way,
- if you guys...
- Shut the fuck up,
Karen!
Hey, there he is.
- How'd it go, slugger?
- Well, it was a night
of passion between
Tiff and this, like,
Polish centaur.
And now she doesn't wanna
get back together with me.
How'd she meet someone so fast?
You have to help me. Please?
Blair, this is totally fixable.
You take her to a
super-romantic spot
and just... I want you to
tell her how you feel.
Yeah, like that'll work.
Well, it worked for you.
You took me to the Cedar Tavern,
And you poured your heart
out that night after work.
Remember? I hate to admit it,
but that's what did it for
me, your vulnerable side.
I don't remember that. And
I don't have any sides.
I'm all edge.
You don't remember telling me
that you were the last guy in
your junior high to get pubes
- and how it totally defined...
- Nope. No, no, nope, nope.
Don't remember that.
Hey, listen, Blair.
You wanna get Tiff back,
you know what you need?
Good, old-fashioned honey pot.
- Ugh, God.
- Like Hogan's Heroes.
Like Hogan's Heroes. Exactly.
Foolproof.
Except when it makes shit worse.
Well, it worked on
you, didn't it?
There's no way you
would have shown up
at Cedar Tavern that night
if you hadn't seen me
makin' out with that Oreo model.
I think you're supposed
to say "mulatto" now.
Yeah. She was a print model
for Oreo Cookies, asshole.
Uh, no, she ate Oreos.
I mean, she was fat.
- Jealous.
- You know what?
She had shit to do
with it, and fine.
- Honeypot it is.
- Great.
And I'll be the honey.
Great. Just as I intended it.
- Great.
- Great!
So I will get Tiff's boyfriend
to bring her to
watch him tonight
in the Manhattan Pageant,
and you two kids
can do your thing.
- Great.
- Great.
Wait. How do you know who he is
or that he's in a pageant?
Jesus Chris, kid, did you
ask this many questions
when you watched Hogan's Heroes?
Yeah. It's a sit-com
that takes place
- in a Nazi concentration camp.
- Mmm.
That's fair.
Remember that guy who
could fuckin' pull
the handkerchief
through his nostrils?
Bo Melp! What happened
with that maniac?
Who the fuck knows? Same thing
with Sammy Marsh, Len
Burger, and Chippy Cox.
When you're down
to your last stack
and you're all outta moves,
there's always one last play
if you're crazy
enough to try it.
You take a huge position
out on the margin...
I'm talking about a crazy
fuckin' long shot...
You pack a bag, you
head to the airport,
and you call the floor.
If you're lucky,
you come home a hero.
If you're not,
you don't come home ever.
You get on a plane, and
you fuckin' disappear.
But Wayne has a family.
Bo Melp had two.
Damn. The LaGuardia
fuckin' Spread.
That motherfucker!
Wheeeere's the beef?
Ha ha. Isn't that what all
you ladies are wonderin'?
Welcome to the motherfuckin'
43rd Annual Manhattan Pageant!
Whoo!
Those of you who don't know me
are fulla shit, 'cause
I'm a Goddamn legend.
I came up in these very pits
and there is not a
day that goes by
that I don't think how much
I hate you dumb immigrants.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
Enough foreplay.
First up, ladies,
comin' to the stage...
You know him, you hate him.
He's an incredible bigot.
Flanny, the oranges' frozen
orange juice trader.
Look at this fucking
alcoholic with the
Irish tan, huh?
He doesn't have a liver.
This is a die-er.
Come on, get those
paddles up, ladies.
You better hurry up, 'cause
he's knock-knock-knockin'
on hell's door. Come
on, preach, Flanny.
You're one of the good ones, Mo.
- I tell you what...
- Are the categories
really "man, hat" and "tan"?
It's all very first thought.
A thousand, a thousand.
1,000. 1,500.
2,000.
You look incredible.
Oh! Thank you! Just, uh...
little something I had
to spend my last
two paychecks on.
Okay, 2,000...
Ah...
There she is.
Oh, God. I haven't
acted since college.
And the UPenn Gazette
called my performance
as Otto Frank the worst thing
to happen to Anne Frank.
Couldn't have been that bad.
- Just follow my lead.
- Whoo!
Oh.
- What about this?
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah. It's natural.
Sold! 2,500!
Somebody's going home happy.
Those Irish eyes are smiling!
I love you too.
Uh... let's keep it goin'!
Shit.
It's time for Market
Watch with Ali Greer.
What's goin' on in those
futures pits today, Ali?
The U.S. Agriculture Department
just released this quarter's
livestock report,
and it's a record surplus,
causing feeder cattle
futures to plummet.
Hey, bartender.
This is my last hundred.
I want 90 on drinks
and 20 in smokes.
Just fuckin' do it!
Thank you!
Hey, honey. Listen.
I'm not comin' home.
But I wanna let you know...
I've never loved anyone
as much as I loved...
your sister!
I... That's right!
You were right!
I fucked your sister!
It was nice! Uh, buh-bye now!
Fuck!
Fun fact about Fat Fred...
You know how he
got his nickname?
Mean children.
True story.
Dude looks like
a John Candy version
of Soul Man.
Was it just me,
or was that movie about racism
really, really racist?
Uh, like every movie.
I mean, you've seen Teen Wolf.
When the guy turns
into an animal,
he starts dunking,
break-dancing,
turning on white women,
scaring the shit
outta white men.
My favorite line
from that movie is,
"I'm not a fag. I'm a werewolf."
Michael J.!
He is the reigning
rainmaker, Jack Piechowski,
but you all know him
as Jackson Polack!
- Whoo!
- So debonair!
Show 'em the goods, baby.
Oh!
Let me tell you something.
You would never wanna
be that chiseled.
- Women don't like that.
- That masculine.
- No!
- No!
Let's get this bidding going.
I want to serve him hot.
All right, I'm gonna start
this cat at a thou!
Who got a thou?
- Fifteen!
- Fifteen hundred.
- Thank you, young lady.
- Fifteen thousand.
Fifteen thousand.
Fifteen thousand. Pretty
sure that's gonna
close out the bids right there.
Thank you very much.
Fifteen thousand, Jackson.
Mmm. Whatever.
- Jackson!
- Whoo!
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Is that White Rain?
Yeah. You can smell it, huh?
- It's really nice.
- It's like the best spray.
Hey, it's me, Wayne.
I just wanted to say
you're a piece of shit, and
I've always hated you.
You put Mom on the phone?
Hi, Mom.
Yeah. I know you've always
liked Mark best, but guess what.
The joke's on you,
because I outlived him.
Will you please put
the dog on the phone?
I know it didn't work,
but... honeypot or not,
I had a really great
time tonight.
Me too. You're cute.
You could be the third Corey.
Some Mo moves there.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here she comes.
- Here she comes.
- Backin' it up.
Don't look, don't look.
- Oh... Blair!
- Uh...
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just, uh, you know,
here supporting the Mujahideen.
Just gotta get them as
many weapons as possible.
- You're a good man.
- Thank you, babe.
- And who is this?
- I'm Jack.
- Like the cheese.
- Oh!
Young... Einstein.
Impressive.
- This is Dawn.
- Dawn, of course.
I've heard so much about you.
Wow, you are beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Ah, your husband
is a very lucky man.
- Wherever he is.
- Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, I just came over to say
I don't want things to be
awkward between us, Blair.
And I'm hoping that eventually
you and I could be friends.
You do?
For once in my life, I
need to focus on myself.
On Tiff.
For once. So good-bye, Blair.
Nice to meet you.
That bow makes you look skinny.
Oh, thank you. You
should get one.
- It didn't work!
- No...
- I'm already in her rear-view.
- Listen, no.
Tonight was just the
first step, you know?
It might take a little...
Blair!
Tiff.
- Oh!
- Ah!
Oh, my God. Tell me.
Tell me that you just
brought Dawn here
- to make me jealous.
- Yes. Did it work?
Of course it worked. Oh,
my God, she's so hot.
Part of me didn't know
whether I should be jealous
of her or of you,
and that part of me
- was my Hot Pocket.
- Yeah, your little Hot Pocket.
- Yeah...
- Hey.
Is this wrong?
I mean...
Tiff's sort of the
worst, and Blair's not.
Yeah, well, I can give
you 60 million reasons
why it's right.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
- I'm sorry.
- Me too. I love you.
- I love you.
- Huh? Oh, my God.
Is that my earring?
Okay, I'd know that
emerald-cut emerald anywhere.
Stop. Stop-ay.
- Earring-a?
- Oh!
Lo siento. Lo siento.
Oh, it's okay-o.
Buenas dias.
Gracias.
Why didn't you tell me
that you lost this?
You know these earrings
were the only survivors
when my great-grandpa's
mine collapsed!
I know, I'm sorry. I didn't
wanna disappoint you,
and honestly, sometimes you
can be a little bit scary.
I know I can, and I'm sorry.
I'm working on it
with my numerologist.
Look, uh, I'm sorry I brought up
all our old stuff, you know?
The past is the past.
Well...
What if it wasn't?
We did such a great job of
getting them back together,
what about... us? You
know what I mean?
Oh, Momo.
What?
That was a long time ago,
and... remember? Kinda married.
No, I don't remember, okay?
I don't ever remember that.
That guy's a nonentity to me.
Okay? I mean, when
was the last time
you had a good time
with that white boy?
Last night.
- Last night?
- Yeah.
Dawn, I know your
"I had a good time
last night" face,
- and that ain't it.
- Oh. Well, I got a new
"good time last night"
face, that's all.
Okay.
Look, after I sash
and crown here,
I'm gonna go over to
the Cedar Tavern.
I'm gonna be there
around 10:00, okay?
So... show up, don't show up.
It's up to you. I'm
gonna be there.
You're gonna be there alone, Mo.
I'm not coming.
We'll see.
- We'll see.
- Uh-huh.
- Ha ha. Uh-huh!
- Okay.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Let's get this back where it...
You know what? No. No,
this thing's bad luck.
Ever since I put it on
you, it's just kicked off
a series of disastrous
events, okay?
This thing is cursed.
Hey, hey, hey!
There's the happy couple!
Oh, my God.
You've gotta be Tiff...
The one and only.
Yeah, I am.
Blair has been heartbroken
without you, I gotta tell you.
And I can see why.
Ah-ooga! Ha ha ha.
What a beautiful dress.
- Well, actually...
- Whoa!
Oh! It's a skort.
- Skants. Prototype.
- Skants.
Oh. Well, I'd say they better
rush that baby to market.
- Right?
- Levi's, Guess?
No, it's Georgina.
I'm Tiff Georgina.
Tiff Georgina.
Now I see where this guy gets
his fashion sense from...
A beautiful, fashionable lady
from a famously
fashionable family.
- Ah!
- And you must be the very
famous Maurice Monroe that
I've heard so much about.
All good, I'm sure?
So what else?
- A lot of people, huh?
- Yeah.
You know, Maurice, I
have been meaning
to thank you for giving
my man here a little job.
- Ah.
- So please,
consider this tie pin
a gift for luck.
Oh, my God. Ha ha! Well,
I'm gonna say yes.
- Ah!
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- You kids have a great night.
- Oh, so nice seeing you
- and meeting you.
- Thanks again!
- That was so generous, babe.
- Fuck him.
- Ooh!
- Yeah?
- I'm back!
- Yeah, you are back.
Oh, I'm actually on the air.
Hi, Howard! Long-time
listener, first-time caller.
Hey, can you put Robin's
boobs on the air?
Huh? No, no, I love you guys.
Hey, whoa, hey, Howard,
before you hang up...
Fuck Jackie Martling!
Wait!
- Stop him!
- Shit!
Stop him! Get him,
get him, stop him!
You dumb-ass LaGuardia
fuckin' Spread idiot!
What the fuck are
you doin', man?
The Yakuza's gonna track
us down and kill us.
...killed today by a
food-borne illness
found in beef.
Mad cow disease is affecting
livestock across
Canada and the U.K.,
causing one of the biggest
beef recalls in history.
The outbreak of mad cow disease
forced supermarkets
across the U.K.
to dispose of the tainted beef.
Resupplying the market with
safe beef from the U.S.
is causing the
demand to skyrocket.
It is my distinct
honor to present
these brave Mujahideen warriors
with a check for $44,250.
Fight on, brave men. We
will not forget you.
We're actually not going
by Mujahideen anymore.
We're rebranding.
What do you think
about, uh, Taliban?
Taliban, uh... yeah,
that's got legs.
Oh, shit, I gotta
get outta here.
- All right, take it easy.
- Salaam!
Yeah. Salami and bacon!
Uh... make it a double.
You haven't ordered.
Scotch.
I'm gonna need that finger.
No hard feelings, Mo.
You have a boss. I have a boss.
Technically, I'm my
own boss, but...
Mm!
I have to do it?
How much pinky are
we talkin' about?
- Mo!
- Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Shit!
We got the money and then some.
Turns out Wayne was pulling
a LaGuardia Spread
- with the dough.
- And it worked!
Well, it didn't until the U.K.
was overrun
by zombie cows.
U.S. livestock futures are...
Do you wanna give this
guy his Goddamn money
so I don't have to cut
off my fucking pinkie?
The money's already been
wired into your account, Mo.
So... are we good?
Ohh... Ha. Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha. Oh!
I'm not even mad at
you, Wayne okay?
You're a fuckin' wild man.
Yeah, right?
It takes some big...
Actually, that's not true.
I'm very upset with you!
I'm upset with all three of you.
I'm gonna individually
fuck each one of you up.
- Do you understand...
- Mm! So...
You wanna do a money order?
Write us a check?
Whatever's easier.
And again. Again, I fell for it.
And... again, Mo let me down.
You know, it's like, uh...
I feel like I'm Lucy,
you know, and the football,
or... maybe I'm Charlie Brown.
I don't know. Or maybe
I'm the football.
Who knows? Ooh! Peanuts!
What if I do some peanuts
to soak up some of this alcohol.
This is supposed to be one
of the most romantic spots
- in the city.
- Eew.
I gotta pee.
Hey. You're here!
Mmm!
Did you see Tiff and I
are, uh, we're back.
- I think.
- Oh...
Uh, so thank you
for everything.
Well, I'm just... I'm
happy that you're happy.
I see you took my
advice on this spot?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Again, I... owe you.
Big.
Yeah.
You borrowed money from actual
villains who will cripple us.
All you have to do is
keep Blair in the dark
until he marries
that Georgina chick.
- Hi there!
- I didn't hate
your Blair plan; I hated
that you didn't tell me!
How do you guys get it done?
I just don't feel
like there's enough
- hours in the day.
- Cocaine.
Should I try some?
You know what? Fuck your dad!
I would rather fuck my father!
I broke up with Tiff!
I'm not getting a real
"I made a huge mistake
"and I'm rushing back to
my fiancée" vibe off him.
I mean, it's gonna be tough
to do the Georgina play
- without the Georgina.
- Nah, it's fine.
You know, it's... He's just
making cash for the first time.
I mean, you remember the
moneymoon period, Dawn.
He'll get sick of this shit.
It's like when the nuns
caught me smoking.
They locked me in the closet.
They made me smoke a whole
carton of cigarettes
till I didn't want another
fuckin' cigarette
- as long as I lived.
- Hmm.
It's been a month, Mo.
We gotta step in.
No, no, no... he's gonna
get it outta his system.
Don't worry about it.
- Come on, Blair.
- Come on.
- Yeah. Ha. Hey, hey, kid.
- Oh, yeah...
Guys he's gonna be okay?
Oh, good. You gave us
quite a scare, Blair!
Hey, buddy, I'd say being dead
for a song and a
half kinda qualifies
as hittin' rock bottom,
don't ya think?
Hey, maybe we should call Tiff?
- Let's call Tiff, buddy.
- Let's call her.
Let's call her.
Fuck that bitch.
Okay. "Fuck that bitch"
isn't the best start,
but Blair is a puss.
Deep down, he still loves Tiff.
We just have to remind him of
that, and he'll take her back.
I'm way ahead of you.
And these are...
Contestants for the
Manhattan Pageant.
Jesus. Are you still
doing that dumb shit?
Dawn, it's a venerable
Wall Street tradition
to auction off the most
eligible pit trader.
Look, just because
I moved upstairs
doesn't mean I forgot
where I came from.
It's a very prestigious honor
to be asked to emcee
this thing, you know.
- You're emceeing?
- Hey,
well, when you set the all-time
auction record, baby...
By having a couple of trick hos,
as in tricka-mo-niasis?
Get into a bidding war
over you with your money?
It's for charity! The
Afghani Mujahideen are
in the fight for their lives
with these Russian bastards.
Fine, fine, fine. What
does this have to do with
getting Blair and
Tiff back together?
It is a honeypot, Dawn.
A honeypot?
Hogan's Heroes. Classic con.
Look, we just have
to convince Blair
that Tiff is dating a
newer, hotter guy.
He's gonna get jealous, and
he's gonna want her back.
And there is no hotter
guy than Jackson Polack.
Ha. Yeah, the traders
call him that
because he's Polish and he
splatter-painted half the town.
Ehh. I get it.
- Ten.
- Ten.
Polish joke.
Exactly. Guy'll do
anything for a buck.
Foolproof.
So your plan is foolproof
because it worked on a sit-com?
Everything works on a sit-com.
There's two different TV shows
with little black midgets
playing rich white
people's kids.
Come on!
Can we just please try
it my way for once?
Let's just talk to the kid
about the power of love.
The Huey Lewis song?
How's that gonna help?
Keith!
Yo! What's up, boss?
Is... so weird calling
a chick a boss.
It's the weirdest thing
that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, it's crazy. Listen,
I need you to take
these big payments
over to the Yakuza.
Little behind on my loans.
Uh, Do-Mo arigato...
- Stop it, please.
- Jesus Christ.
You know, actually, I have
tics to a show tonight,
so maybe I can drop
this off tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, that's no problem.
I don't mind getting my dick
teppanyaki'd by the Yakuza
'cause you wanna go see
Starlight Express for
the tenth fucking time.
It's layered, okay? Ha.
The whole show is actually
a young boy's dream
as he kind of teeters
on the cusp of manhood
Ah. Fine.
Is it me, or is he
getting weirder?
He's definitely getting whiter.
Thank you, Kyle.
It's so cool you
live in a hotel.
You're like Eloise.
I don't know who that chick is,
but, yeah, it's pretty nice.
You know, it's just temporary,
till I get my own place.
- I been lookin' around.
- For the last 15 years.
Do they give you, like, a
monthly rate or something?
Mm-hmm.
So Blair, how are you?
I can't imagine how
hard it must be
to be apart from the
love of your life.
Iiiit's pretty great.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Tiff's been living
with her parents
uptown, so I get to do
whatever, whenever.
Last night, I ordered
ethnic food.
- Oh, hard to argue with that!
- Oh!
But I will, because,
Blair, love is dope.
Ah, exactly. Ethnic food...
You know, it gets old.
Except falafels. Now, those
fuckers are built to last.
Like true love.
You know? And it doesn't
come around often.
You don't wanna be
the 40-year-old guy
in the club that
everybody feels bad for.
Well, I-I don't know that
they feel bad for the guy
so much as they wanna
high-five him, you know,
for not settling.
You know what I'm
talking about, right?
No! Blair wouldn't be settling.
I mean, Tiff is his soul mate
just like Spencer
is my soul mate.
I agree with the Tiff
part of that sentence.
I'm just saying that, you know,
sometimes it's brave to be alone
instead of, you know,
settling for the first
lame-ass doctor that
you lay eyes on
that satisfies your
parents but not you.
Sexually.
I'm sorry... is Tiff
the limp dick doctor
- in this scenario?
- You know what?
It is brave to not
jump off a roof
when your best
friend is a robot.
Well, if Short Circuit has
taught us anything...
Blair, everyone needs
someone to share life with,
someone to share a
bottle of wine with
at the end of a shitty
day and toast to not...
dying alone in a hotel room.
With a fuck machine in...
- Jesus Christ.
- A coke-induced haze...
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
Yeah. That the fuck.
I'm sorry that you had to find
out like this, kid, all right?
I got a friend over at Page
Six, the socialite beat.
Is Tiff like out there?
Yeah, I'm afraid so, champ.
Word on the street...
This guy's hung like a hose.
You mean horse.
I do not.
I mean, I know I
broke up with her,
but I just didn't expect... this
this soon... I...
- I gotta go find her.
- Yeah.
'Scuse me.
See ya, buddy.
Right?
- Mission accomplished.
- No.
Let's go celebrate.
Cedar Tavern.
What do you say?
I am going home to my husband.
You wanna bag all
this up for him?
You know, I appreciate
a man with hips.
Oh, good. 'Cause he's got those.
Enjoy fucking Kyle.
Jealous!
Y-you can't take
that kinda shit to heart, Kyle.
Just let it roll off your back.
Tiff?
- Spence?
- In the bedroom, babe.
Hey, bring us a
bottle of wine, yeah?
Kyle? I'm home.
Kyle?
Papa Bear, I've been naughty...
Hey!
I thought we were
gonna get busy.
Oh, babe, I'm so full,
I can hardly move.
You can do stuff
to me if you like.
Mm-mm.
Would you get me a paper towel?
- Dip it in some cold water.
- I'll even
- wipe it off of you.
- Ooh! You don't wanna
lick it off?
And... scene. That
felt really good.
You think Body Heat's a weird
movie to audition with?
I just really wanna get
into this acting class.
Maybe I'd loosen up
if we had sex again.
- Ah.
- Yeah. Then we can clean up
all the laundry that
we knocked over
- when we had sex in the hall.
- Yes! Ohh...
- Rrr!
- Rrr!
Ah... ahh!
Mo, we've got a problem.
Yeah, you're damn right we do...
the Yakuza killed Kyle!
Where the fuck is Keith?
- I been trying him all night!
- He just skipped in
singing show tunes.
Look at this shit. I
had it translated.
It's something Kyle
would have done.
He loves languages...
Loved languages.
Oh, fuck me!
- They never got their money?
- No!
- Keith!
- Keith!
Hey. You screamed?
What happened with the drop?
The Yakuza never got
their fucking cash!
Whaaat? That doesn't
make any sen...
You just save it for the Yakuza
that I'm sending to your
house to get their money
outta the fillings in your
children's goddamn teeth!
That's pretty dark. Your
Rachel's godfather.
- Go handle it!
- On it.
Mo, I'm sorry.
All robocide aside, but
we've got bigger issues.
Bigger than me getting
my dick chopped off?
You're gonna be broke.
This fuckin' day!
What the fuck did you do?
The Yakuza didn't
get their money.
I asked you to do
one simple thing.
- Whaaa...
- Oh, don't "whaaat?" me!
'Cause I was just in
there "whaaat" ing Mo!
Look, this chick Geena
I been mackin' on
beeped me 69-1-1. That's
an oral emergency.
- I had Wayne do it.
- Wayne?
- Yeah.
- Wayne's a test tube baby!
Why the fuck would you do that?
Same reason you had me do
it, so you could go see
fuckin' Starlight Express again?
It's layered, okay?
Greaseball represents
the twilight of the...
Industrial Revolution...
before it got... You
got the Wayniac.
The Yakuza didn't
get their money!
- Whaaaat?
- No. Nope, Wayne.
- Where the fuck are you?
- Home sick.
Jeez! Hey, unrelated to that,
I just wanted to
let you guys know
how much fun I've had
workin' with you.
You're not just good.
- You're golden.
- Are you dying?
Is that the Golden
Grahams slogan?
This is the final boarding
call for flight...
Wayne... are you at LaGuardia?
No, man, I told ya,
I'm at the movies.
You just said you
were home sick.
Tell me you did not
take the VIG money
that we owe murderers
and put it all on the
LaGuardia Spread.
This call has been disconnected.
Fuck!
Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
You! Are there any
abnormally huge positions
- open on Wayne's account? Go!
- What? Wayne's a day scalper.
He never trades
anything larger than...
Oh, God!
Wayne's long 100,000
contracts of feeder cattle?
- On margin.
- Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
My name's Karen, by the way,
- if you guys...
- Shut the fuck up,
Karen!
Hey, there he is.
- How'd it go, slugger?
- Well, it was a night
of passion between
Tiff and this, like,
Polish centaur.
And now she doesn't wanna
get back together with me.
How'd she meet someone so fast?
You have to help me. Please?
Blair, this is totally fixable.
You take her to a
super-romantic spot
and just... I want you to
tell her how you feel.
Yeah, like that'll work.
Well, it worked for you.
You took me to the Cedar Tavern,
And you poured your heart
out that night after work.
Remember? I hate to admit it,
but that's what did it for
me, your vulnerable side.
I don't remember that. And
I don't have any sides.
I'm all edge.
You don't remember telling me
that you were the last guy in
your junior high to get pubes
- and how it totally defined...
- Nope. No, no, nope, nope.
Don't remember that.
Hey, listen, Blair.
You wanna get Tiff back,
you know what you need?
Good, old-fashioned honey pot.
- Ugh, God.
- Like Hogan's Heroes.
Like Hogan's Heroes. Exactly.
Foolproof.
Except when it makes shit worse.
Well, it worked on
you, didn't it?
There's no way you
would have shown up
at Cedar Tavern that night
if you hadn't seen me
makin' out with that Oreo model.
I think you're supposed
to say "mulatto" now.
Yeah. She was a print model
for Oreo Cookies, asshole.
Uh, no, she ate Oreos.
I mean, she was fat.
- Jealous.
- You know what?
She had shit to do
with it, and fine.
- Honeypot it is.
- Great.
And I'll be the honey.
Great. Just as I intended it.
- Great.
- Great!
So I will get Tiff's boyfriend
to bring her to
watch him tonight
in the Manhattan Pageant,
and you two kids
can do your thing.
- Great.
- Great.
Wait. How do you know who he is
or that he's in a pageant?
Jesus Chris, kid, did you
ask this many questions
when you watched Hogan's Heroes?
Yeah. It's a sit-com
that takes place
- in a Nazi concentration camp.
- Mmm.
That's fair.
Remember that guy who
could fuckin' pull
the handkerchief
through his nostrils?
Bo Melp! What happened
with that maniac?
Who the fuck knows? Same thing
with Sammy Marsh, Len
Burger, and Chippy Cox.
When you're down
to your last stack
and you're all outta moves,
there's always one last play
if you're crazy
enough to try it.
You take a huge position
out on the margin...
I'm talking about a crazy
fuckin' long shot...
You pack a bag, you
head to the airport,
and you call the floor.
If you're lucky,
you come home a hero.
If you're not,
you don't come home ever.
You get on a plane, and
you fuckin' disappear.
But Wayne has a family.
Bo Melp had two.
Damn. The LaGuardia
fuckin' Spread.
That motherfucker!
Wheeeere's the beef?
Ha ha. Isn't that what all
you ladies are wonderin'?
Welcome to the motherfuckin'
43rd Annual Manhattan Pageant!
Whoo!
Those of you who don't know me
are fulla shit, 'cause
I'm a Goddamn legend.
I came up in these very pits
and there is not a
day that goes by
that I don't think how much
I hate you dumb immigrants.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
Enough foreplay.
First up, ladies,
comin' to the stage...
You know him, you hate him.
He's an incredible bigot.
Flanny, the oranges' frozen
orange juice trader.
Look at this fucking
alcoholic with the
Irish tan, huh?
He doesn't have a liver.
This is a die-er.
Come on, get those
paddles up, ladies.
You better hurry up, 'cause
he's knock-knock-knockin'
on hell's door. Come
on, preach, Flanny.
You're one of the good ones, Mo.
- I tell you what...
- Are the categories
really "man, hat" and "tan"?
It's all very first thought.
A thousand, a thousand.
1,000. 1,500.
2,000.
You look incredible.
Oh! Thank you! Just, uh...
little something I had
to spend my last
two paychecks on.
Okay, 2,000...
Ah...
There she is.
Oh, God. I haven't
acted since college.
And the UPenn Gazette
called my performance
as Otto Frank the worst thing
to happen to Anne Frank.
Couldn't have been that bad.
- Just follow my lead.
- Whoo!
Oh.
- What about this?
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah. It's natural.
Sold! 2,500!
Somebody's going home happy.
Those Irish eyes are smiling!
I love you too.
Uh... let's keep it goin'!
Shit.
It's time for Market
Watch with Ali Greer.
What's goin' on in those
futures pits today, Ali?
The U.S. Agriculture Department
just released this quarter's
livestock report,
and it's a record surplus,
causing feeder cattle
futures to plummet.
Hey, bartender.
This is my last hundred.
I want 90 on drinks
and 20 in smokes.
Just fuckin' do it!
Thank you!
Hey, honey. Listen.
I'm not comin' home.
But I wanna let you know...
I've never loved anyone
as much as I loved...
your sister!
I... That's right!
You were right!
I fucked your sister!
It was nice! Uh, buh-bye now!
Fuck!
Fun fact about Fat Fred...
You know how he
got his nickname?
Mean children.
True story.
Dude looks like
a John Candy version
of Soul Man.
Was it just me,
or was that movie about racism
really, really racist?
Uh, like every movie.
I mean, you've seen Teen Wolf.
When the guy turns
into an animal,
he starts dunking,
break-dancing,
turning on white women,
scaring the shit
outta white men.
My favorite line
from that movie is,
"I'm not a fag. I'm a werewolf."
Michael J.!
He is the reigning
rainmaker, Jack Piechowski,
but you all know him
as Jackson Polack!
- Whoo!
- So debonair!
Show 'em the goods, baby.
Oh!
Let me tell you something.
You would never wanna
be that chiseled.
- Women don't like that.
- That masculine.
- No!
- No!
Let's get this bidding going.
I want to serve him hot.
All right, I'm gonna start
this cat at a thou!
Who got a thou?
- Fifteen!
- Fifteen hundred.
- Thank you, young lady.
- Fifteen thousand.
Fifteen thousand.
Fifteen thousand. Pretty
sure that's gonna
close out the bids right there.
Thank you very much.
Fifteen thousand, Jackson.
Mmm. Whatever.
- Jackson!
- Whoo!
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Is that White Rain?
Yeah. You can smell it, huh?
- It's really nice.
- It's like the best spray.
Hey, it's me, Wayne.
I just wanted to say
you're a piece of shit, and
I've always hated you.
You put Mom on the phone?
Hi, Mom.
Yeah. I know you've always
liked Mark best, but guess what.
The joke's on you,
because I outlived him.
Will you please put
the dog on the phone?
I know it didn't work,
but... honeypot or not,
I had a really great
time tonight.
Me too. You're cute.
You could be the third Corey.
Some Mo moves there.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here she comes.
- Here she comes.
- Backin' it up.
Don't look, don't look.
- Oh... Blair!
- Uh...
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just, uh, you know,
here supporting the Mujahideen.
Just gotta get them as
many weapons as possible.
- You're a good man.
- Thank you, babe.
- And who is this?
- I'm Jack.
- Like the cheese.
- Oh!
Young... Einstein.
Impressive.
- This is Dawn.
- Dawn, of course.
I've heard so much about you.
Wow, you are beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Ah, your husband
is a very lucky man.
- Wherever he is.
- Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, I just came over to say
I don't want things to be
awkward between us, Blair.
And I'm hoping that eventually
you and I could be friends.
You do?
For once in my life, I
need to focus on myself.
On Tiff.
For once. So good-bye, Blair.
Nice to meet you.
That bow makes you look skinny.
Oh, thank you. You
should get one.
- It didn't work!
- No...
- I'm already in her rear-view.
- Listen, no.
Tonight was just the
first step, you know?
It might take a little...
Blair!
Tiff.
- Oh!
- Ah!
Oh, my God. Tell me.
Tell me that you just
brought Dawn here
- to make me jealous.
- Yes. Did it work?
Of course it worked. Oh,
my God, she's so hot.
Part of me didn't know
whether I should be jealous
of her or of you,
and that part of me
- was my Hot Pocket.
- Yeah, your little Hot Pocket.
- Yeah...
- Hey.
Is this wrong?
I mean...
Tiff's sort of the
worst, and Blair's not.
Yeah, well, I can give
you 60 million reasons
why it's right.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
- I'm sorry.
- Me too. I love you.
- I love you.
- Huh? Oh, my God.
Is that my earring?
Okay, I'd know that
emerald-cut emerald anywhere.
Stop. Stop-ay.
- Earring-a?
- Oh!
Lo siento. Lo siento.
Oh, it's okay-o.
Buenas dias.
Gracias.
Why didn't you tell me
that you lost this?
You know these earrings
were the only survivors
when my great-grandpa's
mine collapsed!
I know, I'm sorry. I didn't
wanna disappoint you,
and honestly, sometimes you
can be a little bit scary.
I know I can, and I'm sorry.
I'm working on it
with my numerologist.
Look, uh, I'm sorry I brought up
all our old stuff, you know?
The past is the past.
Well...
What if it wasn't?
We did such a great job of
getting them back together,
what about... us? You
know what I mean?
Oh, Momo.
What?
That was a long time ago,
and... remember? Kinda married.
No, I don't remember, okay?
I don't ever remember that.
That guy's a nonentity to me.
Okay? I mean, when
was the last time
you had a good time
with that white boy?
Last night.
- Last night?
- Yeah.
Dawn, I know your
"I had a good time
last night" face,
- and that ain't it.
- Oh. Well, I got a new
"good time last night"
face, that's all.
Okay.
Look, after I sash
and crown here,
I'm gonna go over to
the Cedar Tavern.
I'm gonna be there
around 10:00, okay?
So... show up, don't show up.
It's up to you. I'm
gonna be there.
You're gonna be there alone, Mo.
I'm not coming.
We'll see.
- We'll see.
- Uh-huh.
- Ha ha. Uh-huh!
- Okay.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Let's get this back where it...
You know what? No. No,
this thing's bad luck.
Ever since I put it on
you, it's just kicked off
a series of disastrous
events, okay?
This thing is cursed.
Hey, hey, hey!
There's the happy couple!
Oh, my God.
You've gotta be Tiff...
The one and only.
Yeah, I am.
Blair has been heartbroken
without you, I gotta tell you.
And I can see why.
Ah-ooga! Ha ha ha.
What a beautiful dress.
- Well, actually...
- Whoa!
Oh! It's a skort.
- Skants. Prototype.
- Skants.
Oh. Well, I'd say they better
rush that baby to market.
- Right?
- Levi's, Guess?
No, it's Georgina.
I'm Tiff Georgina.
Tiff Georgina.
Now I see where this guy gets
his fashion sense from...
A beautiful, fashionable lady
from a famously
fashionable family.
- Ah!
- And you must be the very
famous Maurice Monroe that
I've heard so much about.
All good, I'm sure?
So what else?
- A lot of people, huh?
- Yeah.
You know, Maurice, I
have been meaning
to thank you for giving
my man here a little job.
- Ah.
- So please,
consider this tie pin
a gift for luck.
Oh, my God. Ha ha! Well,
I'm gonna say yes.
- Ah!
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- You kids have a great night.
- Oh, so nice seeing you
- and meeting you.
- Thanks again!
- That was so generous, babe.
- Fuck him.
- Ooh!
- Yeah?
- I'm back!
- Yeah, you are back.
Oh, I'm actually on the air.
Hi, Howard! Long-time
listener, first-time caller.
Hey, can you put Robin's
boobs on the air?
Huh? No, no, I love you guys.
Hey, whoa, hey, Howard,
before you hang up...
Fuck Jackie Martling!
Wait!
- Stop him!
- Shit!
Stop him! Get him,
get him, stop him!
You dumb-ass LaGuardia
fuckin' Spread idiot!
What the fuck are
you doin', man?
The Yakuza's gonna track
us down and kill us.
...killed today by a
food-borne illness
found in beef.
Mad cow disease is affecting
livestock across
Canada and the U.K.,
causing one of the biggest
beef recalls in history.
The outbreak of mad cow disease
forced supermarkets
across the U.K.
to dispose of the tainted beef.
Resupplying the market with
safe beef from the U.S.
is causing the
demand to skyrocket.
It is my distinct
honor to present
these brave Mujahideen warriors
with a check for $44,250.
Fight on, brave men. We
will not forget you.
We're actually not going
by Mujahideen anymore.
We're rebranding.
What do you think
about, uh, Taliban?
Taliban, uh... yeah,
that's got legs.
Oh, shit, I gotta
get outta here.
- All right, take it easy.
- Salaam!
Yeah. Salami and bacon!
Uh... make it a double.
You haven't ordered.
Scotch.
I'm gonna need that finger.
No hard feelings, Mo.
You have a boss. I have a boss.
Technically, I'm my
own boss, but...
Mm!
I have to do it?
How much pinky are
we talkin' about?
- Mo!
- Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Shit!
We got the money and then some.
Turns out Wayne was pulling
a LaGuardia Spread
- with the dough.
- And it worked!
Well, it didn't until the U.K.
was overrun
by zombie cows.
U.S. livestock futures are...
Do you wanna give this
guy his Goddamn money
so I don't have to cut
off my fucking pinkie?
The money's already been
wired into your account, Mo.
So... are we good?
Ohh... Ha. Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha. Oh!
I'm not even mad at
you, Wayne okay?
You're a fuckin' wild man.
Yeah, right?
It takes some big...
Actually, that's not true.
I'm very upset with you!
I'm upset with all three of you.
I'm gonna individually
fuck each one of you up.
- Do you understand...
- Mm! So...
You wanna do a money order?
Write us a check?
Whatever's easier.
And again. Again, I fell for it.
And... again, Mo let me down.
You know, it's like, uh...
I feel like I'm Lucy,
you know, and the football,
or... maybe I'm Charlie Brown.
I don't know. Or maybe
I'm the football.
Who knows? Ooh! Peanuts!
What if I do some peanuts
to soak up some of this alcohol.
This is supposed to be one
of the most romantic spots
- in the city.
- Eew.
I gotta pee.
Hey. You're here!
Mmm!
Did you see Tiff and I
are, uh, we're back.
- I think.
- Oh...
Uh, so thank you
for everything.
Well, I'm just... I'm
happy that you're happy.
I see you took my
advice on this spot?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Again, I... owe you.
Big.
Yeah.