Black Monday (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - 339 - full transcript
Mo attempts to create a father/son bond with Blair. Dawn and Spencer have a lively dinner with Dawn's parents. Keith finds his secret increasingly difficult to hide.
Previously on Black Monday...
- Oh!
- How are you gonna get Blair
to just give us his Georgina
shares once he's married?
I'm gonna form a father-son
reverse Diff'rent Strokes.
What's up, queef?
Keith is a... homo?
All I want is a piece of what we built.
If we're not gonna do
this deal, I got to go.
I am not a people person.
Do you know who's really
good? My partner, Dawn.
Why else do you think she's
got 15% of my company?
_
Pull!
Hurry! Use both nostrils!
They're quacking at you, man!
- Yeah!
- Die, quackers!
God, these graphics are so realistic.
- Perfect score.
- I have to kill ducks
after work.
My kid is gonna plotz. His
bar mitzvah's tomorrow.
This thing is impossible to get.
The line's bigger than the tits
on the 'tute I paid to wait in it.
Hey, speaking of fathers
and sons and shit,
I need a little advice, Keithy.
That's what best friends are for.
Ugh. Look, given that
I'm the Muhammad Ali of pulling out,
I don't have any sons of my own.
To clarify, I'm as good at pulling out
as Muhammad Ali is at boxing.
He is terrible at pulling out.
He's got, like, nine kids, five moms.
More like Ali-mony.
- Ugh.
- Ugh, ugh.
Look, I want to form a
father-son relationship
with Blair, you know, so
I can get close enough
to him to stab him in the back.
Oh, buy his love. Like that Nintendo.
I mean, right? That bad boy's gonna make
my kid forget all about the time
he walked in on me
trying to hang myself.
- What the hell?
- Why can't you just
jerk off like a regular guy?
It's called asphyx-turbation, all right?
You know, you choke your chicken
while you choke yourself.
I learned it from my friend
in that band, uh, INXS.
- It's amazing.
- Buying love works.
You know, I forgot my kid's birthday.
I went and I got him one
of the actual Darth Vader
masks from the movie.
Oh, uh, Return of the Jedi?
No, I couldn't afford
that, so I got the o-one
from the rape scene in
Revenge of the Nerds.
But bonding isn't just about
buying them expensive shit.
It's about taking them
to expensive shit, too.
Blair was born in a cornfield.
Everything impresses him,
right? So just take him out
to a VIP NYC night he'll never remember.
- That's the ticket.
- So parenting is
just like dating, but with no sex.
And that's great,
'cause I'm the Michael
Jackson of dating.
To clarify, I'm as good at dating
as Michael Jackson is at dating kids.
Brooke Shields.
Jesus. It's 11:30.
Can we please start the
goddamn morning meeting?
Hey, who wants to go double or nothing?
- Yes!
- 20 Gs you don't get one duck.
All right, while you coke piñatas
have been comparing nosebleeds,
I secured a large chunk of
public Georgina shares,
which means if Mo can get
Blair's family shares...
"When Mo gets Blair's family shares."
... we're on our way to the 51% we need,
but there's a twist.
Thank God. I was so bored.
The quarter ends in 48 hours.
If we file with this much on our books,
everyone will know the shot.
Our shell companies are
full, so that means
we need some people to
hide the shares for us
until the takeover.
What about our overseas shells?
We sold our overseas shells.
By the seashore?
Oh!
Come on, fellas.
This is a tightrope.
We need people who won't fuck us over
when we need the shares back
but who we don't mind fucking over
by implicating in a felony, all right?
Basically, our dearest
family and friends.
- Everyone I love is dead.
- I'm not even a citizen.
- I think, so...
- All right.
Wayne and Yass are out. Mo
has no one in his life.
I can park a chunk, but
that leaves two more.
- I can park one with Shira.
- Good idea.
Wait, wait, hold it.
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
It's ridiculous. People love me.
Uh, is that why you
were just brainstorming
about how to make people love you?
Oh!
- She got you.
- Thank you.
Whatever.
Fine, take the last one.
And look, if you want
to connect with Blair,
just talk to his ass, okay?
Open up. Find some common
ground. It's not that hard.
Nah, I'm just gonna go
with the throw-a-Nintendo-at-it plan.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hold on, wait. You mean
tha-that Nintendo?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Blair is a fucking nerd.
He is gonna love this chilling
vision of our Jap future.
Great jam sesh, guys.
- It was actually a meeting.
- Okay.
- As you were.
- All right, it's cool, yeah.
I-I can get another one
by tomorrow. It's fine.
Oh, "Duck Hunt."
I thought it was "Duh, Cunt."
This makes a lot more sense.
Oh, my God.
I bet he's gonna promote you.
You are finally getting off the floor.
About frickin' time.
Babe, we don't know what
this is gonna be tonight.
Uh, the guy's unhinged.
I walked in on him the
other day masturbating
to Hockey's Hardest Hits Volume Three.
- He jerks off in the office?
- They all do.
Well, okay, whatever.
How about you make it your promotion?
You've literally been there for weeks.
Babe, you don't really make Mo do stuff.
He more sort of does stuff to you,
like my gymnastics team doctor.
You were supposed to start as
a VP at one of the big three.
Instead, you're stuck as a runner,
and we're stuck living
in this trash compactor
that doesn't even have
a trash compactor.
Am I supposed to compact my own trash
like some kind of piece of trash?
It's not such a crazy ask.
Just let my parents buy
us one trash compactor.
How many were you wanting?
Tiff, I told you I am very uncomfortable
with your parents paying for anything.
- Ugh!
- My time on the floor
has made my algorithm
2.0 so much better.
It better be better. You're
working on it every night,
and we barely see each other.
And I am not even bringing
up the no-sex stuff,
which I shouldn't even be
the one not bringing up.
You should be.
Not bringing it up?
You know what? You're
right. You're right.
- Huh?
- I should be more like you.
- Wealthy?
- Bitchy.
I'm gonna go get that promotion.
- Yes.
- Tonight.
- Tonight. Go.
- Yes.
- One more?
- No, no.
No more.
Just... okay, um, well, I love you.
The city that never sleeps.
I'm really excited we get to hang out.
I've been making great
progress on my algorithm 2.0.
Shut the fuck up real quick, Blair.
This night isn't about work, son.
It's about fun, son.
You ever made eye contact
with the Statue of Liberty?
- No.
- Oh, baby.
This is gonna be great.
Bad news, Shira.
I'm gonna be a little late for dinner.
This deal I'm working on is so hard.
Aw, don't worry about it, monkey.
We already ate... four hours ago.
I was actually just sleeping
because we have a very big day tomorrow.
You're not gonna have to work
all through our son's
bar mitzvah, are you?
No, no... I mean, but, you
know, in work's defense,
it is paying for this
blessed celebration
at the Plaza, you know, with
Mr. Met prancing around,
and Doc Gooden doesn't
do an aliyah for free.
No, you got to pay him... in drugs.
You know, and drugs cost money, so...
Okay, well, I look forward
to seeing you extremely soon
and all day long tomorrow.
You and me holding hands,
watching our boy become a bar mitzvah.
- I love you.
- Love you very much.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you.
That should buy us a little while.
To the star in Starlight Express.
Mm, if I was the star,
I wouldn't have to
work three other jobs.
- Mm.
- No, I'm just another
pair of skates in the chorus.
And with the helmet on, you
can barely even tell it's me.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
because I would know
these legs anywhere.
Look at them.
- These guys? These guys?
- Oh! So beautiful.
Mmm.
Are you okay? You seem distracted.
No, it's fine. I...
I just got to get Shira
to park a shitload of stock by tomorrow,
and she's already up my ass
with a pair of cleats.
Is that stock thing
something I can help with?
- No, don't worry about it.
- No, I want to help.
No, okay?
I-I mean, no. She is
gonna take care of it.
And now let me take care of you.
- No. Keith. Keith.
- Come here. What?
What? What? What? What?
You're not making it any
easier to leave her.
You said you'd tell her about me.
And I did. You know,
I said that this deal was hard and...
- No.
- It's not... it's not anymore.
Okay. You're upset. What
do you want me to do?
In your world, people look at
you like it's expected, okay?
And in... in my world, people
look at me like I'm infected.
Clever. Well, I'm sick
of being the other man.
Well, you aren't the other man.
You are the only man, okay?
- No, Keith. No.
- All righ... come on.
- Mike, come here, come here.
- It's over. It's over.
- We lost it. We lost it.
- Come on. No.
I'm going to shower.
I got Jane Krakowski and
glitter all over me.
Fuck.
For Mom, we have Dubonnet with a twist.
And for Dad, Dewar's,
splash of soda, two cubes.
I hate when you call them Mom and Dad.
- It feels incesty.
- We should be so lucky.
I mean to have Spence as a son,
not to have kids that
have sex with each other.
No, no, I know, Dad. I know.
Dawny, Spencey, I got
a surprise for you.
I present to you Nefertitty.
Wow. It's like her eyes are
judging me wherever I go.
It's the only piece I
had left from my show
at the Power Gallery.
This new Afrotica series is
really striking a chord.
The whole show sold out...
first time in a decade.
Yeah. I was the model for the baby.
Dad.
Everyone, I got a surprise for you, too.
- I love surprises.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Um...
well, I just wanted to tell you guys...
- That I am...
- Pregnant!
- Oh! Oh!
- Yes! Oh, my God!
Should you drink? Well,
although, I did smoke
a ton of ganja with you...
I guess it's okay.
No.
I'm not pregnant. I'm partner.
At my firm!
- That's my big news.
- Oh.
Congrats. That's really...
We're not also pregnant
by chance, are we?
No, not pregnant. Promoted.
And please don't be one of
those guys that says "we."
I just... I don't like it.
Come on, Spence. Shit
or get off the pot.
- I'm trying.
- What?
Wait, Dad, in your
analogy, I'm a toilet?
No, no, I think what Dad
is trying to say...
- That's what he said.
- ... is that...
it might be time for us to focus
on more important things.
What's important to me
right now is the career
that I've worked tooth and nail for.
I mean, seriously, I-I've lost teeth
and nails doing this job.
Which is the perfect
opportunity for you to quit.
- Your career's gonna...
- It'll be there...
- I make a very healthy living.
- Your career will be waiting
- after you have kids.
- Would the men in this room
just shut the hell up?
Until your body can give life,
then you don't get to say a
damn thing about Dawn's.
This is the '80s.
A woman can be whatever she wants.
I'm happy for you, baby girl.
Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Mom.
- To you.
I'm proud of you, Dawny.
Mm-mm.
Get ready.
This is the hottest ticket in town.
And we got killer seats.
Why is she crying?
- Oh, she knows how it ends.
- Oh.
What are we seeing?
- Death of a Salesman.
- Oh.
Yeah. You remember when that
door-to-door vacuum salesman...
he crawl-space'd all those nurses?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
More like "thank God."
Glass is here, or we get
Shamu'd by all the fluids.
Whoa.
Hey, Sheeshee. I'm so
glad you waited up.
Mm, I'm so glad you woke me up, Kiki.
You're nervous about
tomorrow, aren't you?
- Mm.
- It's gonna be a dream.
- Mm.
- I even picked
the shortest haftarah portion, okay?
I have a great idea.
Since you're up, why don't you...
give me a little signature right here?
Right there. Yeah, look at that.
Oh, oh, careful, careful. I
got my perm set today, Kiki.
Oh, okay. It looks great.
Yeah, it looks really great. Okay...
What is this I'm signing?
Oh, looks like a document.
I don't know. Boring.
I think if you just sign it,
we'll just be done with it.
Yeah.
Where's the Nintendo?
Uh, it's at the office.
Keeping it safe.
So, you know, if I just get a little,
you know, "Shira" right here-a...
Or-a, why don't you go
and get that Nintendo,
bring it back, and then I'll
sign this vague paperwork?
I'm just... again, just
thinking out loud...
- Mm-hmm.
- You sign it now.
I get the Nintendo tomorrow
on the way to Beth El.
Two birds with one stone, yeah?
- Or... just spitballing here...
- Okay.
... no.
Okay. All right.
Well, you seem like you
have a really, uh,
strong path on this one.
Uh, I will be right back.
- All right.
- And don't you wait up, okay?
Aww. I'm going shluffy.
I never even open a menu.
I just order the most
expensive shit, you know?
- It keeps it exciting.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Looks delicious.
- Doesn't it?
Mm-hmm. It's so fleshy.
Yeah.
Dig in.
Here we go.
- This is so fresh.
- It's the best part.
After you, friend.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I prefer my ground beef cooked
and with cheese and on a bun.
I'm from a town with one restaurant.
This world, it's very
overwhelming to me.
No, I get it.
I'm not really into this
rich shit either, kid.
I mean, I-I kind of grew
up like you, you know?
But instead of one restaurant,
I had no parents.
Hey, what's your favorite
burger joint in the city?
Well, I've been wanting to try
this dive by our place...
uh, uh, Berger's Burgers,
but Tiff's allergic to fast food, so...
Hang on a minute. Berger's Burgers?
- Yeah.
- In Alphabet City?
Yeah.
I practically grew up there.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
You want to go there, get out of here?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, hey, come throw
this shit in the trash.
I just have to return my jacket.
No, they tried to poison us.
Fucking keep the thing.
Hey!
Okay, ok...
Come on. Let me in. Here.
Look, look, Shira and I, we broke up.
It's over, baby. It's donezo, okay?
I want to be Keith and Mike.
I want to share everything with you.
A-a place in Chelsea, a portmanteau.
What do you want to call ourselves?
You want to call ourselves,
uh, Meith or-or Kike?
- No, no.
- No, no. Meith, Meith.
Look, I want to be with you, okay?
And I'm gonna tell her tomorrow
after that bar mitzvah.
I'm gonna be like, "Baruch atah,
adiós, baby," okay?
'Cause I love you.
Come here, you.
Mmm!
- I'm shaking.
- Yeah, you are.
Um, we need to celebrate.
Do you have, uh, champagne or something?
- Yes, I'll get some.
- All right, great, great.
I'll get some. Oh, God.
Okay...
- Uh, out of champagne...
- Yeah, sounds great!
Oh! Fuck! Fuck.
Keith? Holy shit!
Whoa! I'm fine! I'm fine!
I'm fine.
Why are you stealing my Nintendo?
It's my Nintendo, okay?
I bought this for you.
And now I need it for
my son, okay? So...
If I don't bring it to my son,
Shira's gonna fucking kill me.
Don't you want to be happy?
I am happy. I fucking love my family.
What, do you want me
to leave them for you?
For... for... for sex?
Wow. Just sex?
Okay. Have a good night.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay!
- Fuck you.
- You know what?
Go blow on the cartridges,
because that really works, Keith.
Yeah, I'll give you
something to blow on.
Oh, fuck! My arm.
Ah, there he is. Come here.
Ah. Great to see you.
H-how long's it been?
Weren... weren't you here the night
- that Dolly Parton was here?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah! What a crazy night, right?
- Oh, what a night.
Yeah, yeah. Missed this place.
Can we get two classic
Berger's Burgers, please?
Sure.
Let's do this.
Oh, sorry. No change for this.
Like I've ever wanted change.
Get the fuck out of here.
Thanks, pal. Hey.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Hey, come around.
- We miss you.
- Yeah, good to see you.
You really met Dolly Parton?
Was she with Linda Ronstadt
or Emmylou Harris?
I-I'm a big trio fan.
She was rolling pretty deep.
- Ah. Wow.
- Yeah.
I mean, of course I know Dolly Parton.
Who do you think bought her those cans?
I'm joking.
- Oh.
- God did.
Sometimes He does give with both hands.
Actually, it's my second-favorite night
I've ever spent in here.
W-what was your first?
Uh...
Uh... I grew up in an orphanage
not too far from here...
right around the corner, actually...
and the smell from this
place would just go
all throughout the neighborhood.
And o... and one day,
1961, I ran in here.
I grabbed a burger
right off the counter,
and I'm thinking, "Oh, man, I'm
gonna finally taste this thing
I've been jacking it to all my life."
But old man Berger, God rest his soul...
a lot faster than he looked.
- Hmm.
- Caught me.
He didn't, you know,
beat my ass or call
the cops or anything.
He gave me a job.
- What?
- Yeah. And that night,
after my first hard day of work
throwing out trash and mopping,
sweeping, all of that,
I cooked myself a burger back there.
- And God damn it...
- Best burger of your life?
No, undercooked it.
Nearly prolapsed my anus.
But when I got out of the
hospital the next night,
I came back here, and
Bergy cooked me a burger.
- And that motherfucking...
- I'm sorry, you...
you immediately came back
and ate another burger?
The point is, Blair, it was dope.
Huh.
That's what Tiff doesn't get,
'cause she was born with money.
Oh, yeah, the whole jeans thing.
Yeah, yeah, and she wants
to use her parents' money
for everything.
- It's so annoying.
- Well...
Don't throw the whole baby out
- with the bathwater. Oh, look at this.
- Here you go.
- Let's dig in.
- Oh, thanks.
And so Reagan is cutting all
of the funding for the arts.
Ugh. I wish he would've thought of that
before his movies.
I didn't hate the one with the monkey.
You know, Mom, now that I'm a partner,
I could talk to the firm
about maybe funding an
endowment opportunity.
Speaking of opportunities, I
actually have one for you guys.
Maybe make some easy money.
Ooh, my favorite kind.
Mine is the rupee. It's
an Indian currency.
It's a fun word, too... rupee.
Rupee.
Yeah, well, all you'd have to
do is just hold some shares
for us for a few months,
and then, you know,
when we take them back,
you'd get a nice payday.
Easy-peasy.
Uh, no, thank you, baby.
I don't know, Ruth.
Uh, things are kind of tight right now.
We don't need any charity, Walt.
You're about to make tenure,
and as I mentioned,
all my pieces from my Power
Gallery show sold out.
Mom, this isn't charity.
You'd actually be earning the money.
This helps me, and it's real money.
Real money is honest money, okay?
I don't get it.
You just said you were proud of me.
No, I said I was happy
for you. Not proud.
What happened to "this is the '80s,
a woman can be whatever she wants"?
That's the point. You can.
So why would you choose to be a crook?
"Hold shares." Come on.
I'm not dumb, and neither are you.
You are a brilliant, thoughtful woman.
Make something besides
just money for yourself.
- Yummy.
- It's not your fault
that we put you in that private school
with all those rich white kids.
But now you're a... you're a yuppie.
Mmm.
No, Mom, actually, I am a buppie.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
Because all of our
hippie parents fuck...
Messed everything up.
Why do you think your
neighborhood is so bad now?
Hmm? Money is the answer.
Not protesting or painting porn.
Dawn, don't bring your
mother's porno into this.
I think it's tasteful and arousing.
Baby, why don't you just calm down?
Don't tell me what to do.
And you're drunk, and you
have surgery in the morning!
You know what? I can do what I want.
And if I want to be a
barren robber baron,
then so be it.
Most of the time, I just
walk around that office
feeling like one of the chickens
my dad used to make me
cut the head off of.
Oh, my God, how many dad stories
are we gonna have to listen to?
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a dad.
And you don't.
But seriously, how do
you guys get it done?
I just don't feel like there's
enough hours in the day.
Cocaine.
I'm dead serious.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, watch and learn.
Ta-da.
- Should I try some?
- I don't think so.
No, you don't want to do this.
You can't handle this. Forget it.
Uh, you don't know what I can handle.
Okay.
Okay.
I feel more successful already.
You little coke whore.
Scarface!
Okay, Bobby, boy.
Say hello to Vanessa, the family...
Thanks!
And off we go.
- _
- Thank you.
- After you.
- Have a good day.
Yeah, you too.
Who's Bobby? And who's Vanessa?
Who cares?
♪ Shout, shout ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ These are the things
I can do without ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ I'm talking to you ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Shout, shout ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ These are the things
I can do without ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ I'm talking to you ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ In violent times ♪
♪ You shouldn't have to sell your soul ♪
♪ In black and white ♪
♪ They really, really ought to know ♪
♪ Those one-track minds ♪
♪ That took you for a working boy ♪
♪ Kiss them good-bye ♪
♪ You shouldn't have to jump for joy ♪
Oh, God.
Oh.
The moon is so much brighter
when you're on cocaine.
Yeah, that's the sun, Blair.
Okay, well, I'm late for Jew church.
Why don't you try to get some rest?
Thank you. Thank you. That
was... that was a great...
that was a great night.
- Yeah, it was a great night.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, um, uh...
may... may I have a promotion, please?
Um, uh, for the following reasons...
One, I'm a very hard worker.
B, the algorithm, at this...
You know what? Yeah.
Why not? I dub thee promoted. Fuck it.
Yeah?
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. You have a good night.
- Yeah, you too, you too.
- Oh, hey, wait a minute.
I forgot. I got to give this to you.
All right, take it easy.
♪ Shout, let it all out ♪
Tiff, have you ever had sex with a guy
with a huge promoti...
What?
What the fuck did you do?
Before you spaz out, check out...
how cool this is.
Ah!
We talked about this.
You know how it makes me feel
when you... y-y-you take
things from your parents
that I should be providing.
- I asked you to not...
- You know what? No.
- I am so done.
- Take my dick
and put it in the trash compactor.
- That's what you want to do...
- Cannot hear you.
Just call your parents
and have them come over.
Make your dad come over.
He can take my dick and put
it in the trash compactor.
You know what? Stop being such a
puss 'cause my dad has money.
You know what? Fuck your dad.
I would rather fuck my father!
- No shit!
- My mom, too.
She could finger me with more gusto!
Great! All the fingers in the
world aren't gonna satisfy you!
Way to go, Brad. Looking great.
Where you been, Kookoo?
Just getting the Nintendo, Shushu...
from the office.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe we can, you know,
sign these papers?
You listen to me, Keith.
You're going to prison.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but someday, and probably
for the rest of your life.
And I'm not gonna allow you to take me
and our beautiful family down with you.
Eat shit!
Sorry. Great job there.
We're so proud of you.
Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
- Love you so much. So much.
- So much.
Dad.
Hey, look who it is. The big man.
Doc Gooden's been in the
bathroom for, like, 45 minutes!
Is Mr. Met gonna make it?
- I told everyone he'd be here.
- Well, guess what.
Tell your friends they got
to be disappointed, okay?
'Cause Mr. Met ain't coming.
Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing Mr. Met!
He came.
He came!
I'd know those legs anywhere.
That's a weird thing to say.
Isn't his giant baseball head
kind of his calling card?
Yeah, shh, shh, shh.
♪ I only wanted someone... ♪
Looking good, Mr. Met! Whoo!
Hey.
Hey!
Uh... great job out there.
Thanks for coming.
Look, want to know the real reason
why I didn't let you park those shares?
Because if something goes bad,
you are the only person in my life
that I can't live without.
Can you maybe take off the head?
'Cause I cannot gauge how
any of this is landing.
If Shira won't take
those shares, I will.
No. Why?
'Cause I would like to make
enough money so I don't
have to prance around for
a bunch of spoiled brats
in an off-brand Señor Met
costume I got in Chinatown
'cause you couldn't get
the real one to show up.
Come here, you.
Uh, blessed day.
Uh...
All right, go and enjoy the party.
Oh! A board game.
Okay, that's gonna pay
for college. Thank you.
Your cousins are a bunch of schnorrers.
Thank you. Thank you. Very sweet.
You guys get rid of your shares?
Yep. Could not have
been a simpler process.
Totally remembered to do that.
Who'd you go with?
What's this?
- That's my kid.
- I know.
Mazel titties.
Excuse me. Hey.
Hey, Mo. Hey, guys.
Um, so I came here to
tell you two things.
One... and this might
be the cocaine talking,
but can we get some more cocaine?
And two...
... I broke up with Tiff.
I broke up with Tiff!
Is this a child wedding?
- Oh!
- How are you gonna get Blair
to just give us his Georgina
shares once he's married?
I'm gonna form a father-son
reverse Diff'rent Strokes.
What's up, queef?
Keith is a... homo?
All I want is a piece of what we built.
If we're not gonna do
this deal, I got to go.
I am not a people person.
Do you know who's really
good? My partner, Dawn.
Why else do you think she's
got 15% of my company?
_
Pull!
Hurry! Use both nostrils!
They're quacking at you, man!
- Yeah!
- Die, quackers!
God, these graphics are so realistic.
- Perfect score.
- I have to kill ducks
after work.
My kid is gonna plotz. His
bar mitzvah's tomorrow.
This thing is impossible to get.
The line's bigger than the tits
on the 'tute I paid to wait in it.
Hey, speaking of fathers
and sons and shit,
I need a little advice, Keithy.
That's what best friends are for.
Ugh. Look, given that
I'm the Muhammad Ali of pulling out,
I don't have any sons of my own.
To clarify, I'm as good at pulling out
as Muhammad Ali is at boxing.
He is terrible at pulling out.
He's got, like, nine kids, five moms.
More like Ali-mony.
- Ugh.
- Ugh, ugh.
Look, I want to form a
father-son relationship
with Blair, you know, so
I can get close enough
to him to stab him in the back.
Oh, buy his love. Like that Nintendo.
I mean, right? That bad boy's gonna make
my kid forget all about the time
he walked in on me
trying to hang myself.
- What the hell?
- Why can't you just
jerk off like a regular guy?
It's called asphyx-turbation, all right?
You know, you choke your chicken
while you choke yourself.
I learned it from my friend
in that band, uh, INXS.
- It's amazing.
- Buying love works.
You know, I forgot my kid's birthday.
I went and I got him one
of the actual Darth Vader
masks from the movie.
Oh, uh, Return of the Jedi?
No, I couldn't afford
that, so I got the o-one
from the rape scene in
Revenge of the Nerds.
But bonding isn't just about
buying them expensive shit.
It's about taking them
to expensive shit, too.
Blair was born in a cornfield.
Everything impresses him,
right? So just take him out
to a VIP NYC night he'll never remember.
- That's the ticket.
- So parenting is
just like dating, but with no sex.
And that's great,
'cause I'm the Michael
Jackson of dating.
To clarify, I'm as good at dating
as Michael Jackson is at dating kids.
Brooke Shields.
Jesus. It's 11:30.
Can we please start the
goddamn morning meeting?
Hey, who wants to go double or nothing?
- Yes!
- 20 Gs you don't get one duck.
All right, while you coke piñatas
have been comparing nosebleeds,
I secured a large chunk of
public Georgina shares,
which means if Mo can get
Blair's family shares...
"When Mo gets Blair's family shares."
... we're on our way to the 51% we need,
but there's a twist.
Thank God. I was so bored.
The quarter ends in 48 hours.
If we file with this much on our books,
everyone will know the shot.
Our shell companies are
full, so that means
we need some people to
hide the shares for us
until the takeover.
What about our overseas shells?
We sold our overseas shells.
By the seashore?
Oh!
Come on, fellas.
This is a tightrope.
We need people who won't fuck us over
when we need the shares back
but who we don't mind fucking over
by implicating in a felony, all right?
Basically, our dearest
family and friends.
- Everyone I love is dead.
- I'm not even a citizen.
- I think, so...
- All right.
Wayne and Yass are out. Mo
has no one in his life.
I can park a chunk, but
that leaves two more.
- I can park one with Shira.
- Good idea.
Wait, wait, hold it.
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
It's ridiculous. People love me.
Uh, is that why you
were just brainstorming
about how to make people love you?
Oh!
- She got you.
- Thank you.
Whatever.
Fine, take the last one.
And look, if you want
to connect with Blair,
just talk to his ass, okay?
Open up. Find some common
ground. It's not that hard.
Nah, I'm just gonna go
with the throw-a-Nintendo-at-it plan.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hold on, wait. You mean
tha-that Nintendo?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Blair is a fucking nerd.
He is gonna love this chilling
vision of our Jap future.
Great jam sesh, guys.
- It was actually a meeting.
- Okay.
- As you were.
- All right, it's cool, yeah.
I-I can get another one
by tomorrow. It's fine.
Oh, "Duck Hunt."
I thought it was "Duh, Cunt."
This makes a lot more sense.
Oh, my God.
I bet he's gonna promote you.
You are finally getting off the floor.
About frickin' time.
Babe, we don't know what
this is gonna be tonight.
Uh, the guy's unhinged.
I walked in on him the
other day masturbating
to Hockey's Hardest Hits Volume Three.
- He jerks off in the office?
- They all do.
Well, okay, whatever.
How about you make it your promotion?
You've literally been there for weeks.
Babe, you don't really make Mo do stuff.
He more sort of does stuff to you,
like my gymnastics team doctor.
You were supposed to start as
a VP at one of the big three.
Instead, you're stuck as a runner,
and we're stuck living
in this trash compactor
that doesn't even have
a trash compactor.
Am I supposed to compact my own trash
like some kind of piece of trash?
It's not such a crazy ask.
Just let my parents buy
us one trash compactor.
How many were you wanting?
Tiff, I told you I am very uncomfortable
with your parents paying for anything.
- Ugh!
- My time on the floor
has made my algorithm
2.0 so much better.
It better be better. You're
working on it every night,
and we barely see each other.
And I am not even bringing
up the no-sex stuff,
which I shouldn't even be
the one not bringing up.
You should be.
Not bringing it up?
You know what? You're
right. You're right.
- Huh?
- I should be more like you.
- Wealthy?
- Bitchy.
I'm gonna go get that promotion.
- Yes.
- Tonight.
- Tonight. Go.
- Yes.
- One more?
- No, no.
No more.
Just... okay, um, well, I love you.
The city that never sleeps.
I'm really excited we get to hang out.
I've been making great
progress on my algorithm 2.0.
Shut the fuck up real quick, Blair.
This night isn't about work, son.
It's about fun, son.
You ever made eye contact
with the Statue of Liberty?
- No.
- Oh, baby.
This is gonna be great.
Bad news, Shira.
I'm gonna be a little late for dinner.
This deal I'm working on is so hard.
Aw, don't worry about it, monkey.
We already ate... four hours ago.
I was actually just sleeping
because we have a very big day tomorrow.
You're not gonna have to work
all through our son's
bar mitzvah, are you?
No, no... I mean, but, you
know, in work's defense,
it is paying for this
blessed celebration
at the Plaza, you know, with
Mr. Met prancing around,
and Doc Gooden doesn't
do an aliyah for free.
No, you got to pay him... in drugs.
You know, and drugs cost money, so...
Okay, well, I look forward
to seeing you extremely soon
and all day long tomorrow.
You and me holding hands,
watching our boy become a bar mitzvah.
- I love you.
- Love you very much.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you.
That should buy us a little while.
To the star in Starlight Express.
Mm, if I was the star,
I wouldn't have to
work three other jobs.
- Mm.
- No, I'm just another
pair of skates in the chorus.
And with the helmet on, you
can barely even tell it's me.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
because I would know
these legs anywhere.
Look at them.
- These guys? These guys?
- Oh! So beautiful.
Mmm.
Are you okay? You seem distracted.
No, it's fine. I...
I just got to get Shira
to park a shitload of stock by tomorrow,
and she's already up my ass
with a pair of cleats.
Is that stock thing
something I can help with?
- No, don't worry about it.
- No, I want to help.
No, okay?
I-I mean, no. She is
gonna take care of it.
And now let me take care of you.
- No. Keith. Keith.
- Come here. What?
What? What? What? What?
You're not making it any
easier to leave her.
You said you'd tell her about me.
And I did. You know,
I said that this deal was hard and...
- No.
- It's not... it's not anymore.
Okay. You're upset. What
do you want me to do?
In your world, people look at
you like it's expected, okay?
And in... in my world, people
look at me like I'm infected.
Clever. Well, I'm sick
of being the other man.
Well, you aren't the other man.
You are the only man, okay?
- No, Keith. No.
- All righ... come on.
- Mike, come here, come here.
- It's over. It's over.
- We lost it. We lost it.
- Come on. No.
I'm going to shower.
I got Jane Krakowski and
glitter all over me.
Fuck.
For Mom, we have Dubonnet with a twist.
And for Dad, Dewar's,
splash of soda, two cubes.
I hate when you call them Mom and Dad.
- It feels incesty.
- We should be so lucky.
I mean to have Spence as a son,
not to have kids that
have sex with each other.
No, no, I know, Dad. I know.
Dawny, Spencey, I got
a surprise for you.
I present to you Nefertitty.
Wow. It's like her eyes are
judging me wherever I go.
It's the only piece I
had left from my show
at the Power Gallery.
This new Afrotica series is
really striking a chord.
The whole show sold out...
first time in a decade.
Yeah. I was the model for the baby.
Dad.
Everyone, I got a surprise for you, too.
- I love surprises.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Um...
well, I just wanted to tell you guys...
- That I am...
- Pregnant!
- Oh! Oh!
- Yes! Oh, my God!
Should you drink? Well,
although, I did smoke
a ton of ganja with you...
I guess it's okay.
No.
I'm not pregnant. I'm partner.
At my firm!
- That's my big news.
- Oh.
Congrats. That's really...
We're not also pregnant
by chance, are we?
No, not pregnant. Promoted.
And please don't be one of
those guys that says "we."
I just... I don't like it.
Come on, Spence. Shit
or get off the pot.
- I'm trying.
- What?
Wait, Dad, in your
analogy, I'm a toilet?
No, no, I think what Dad
is trying to say...
- That's what he said.
- ... is that...
it might be time for us to focus
on more important things.
What's important to me
right now is the career
that I've worked tooth and nail for.
I mean, seriously, I-I've lost teeth
and nails doing this job.
Which is the perfect
opportunity for you to quit.
- Your career's gonna...
- It'll be there...
- I make a very healthy living.
- Your career will be waiting
- after you have kids.
- Would the men in this room
just shut the hell up?
Until your body can give life,
then you don't get to say a
damn thing about Dawn's.
This is the '80s.
A woman can be whatever she wants.
I'm happy for you, baby girl.
Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Mom.
- To you.
I'm proud of you, Dawny.
Mm-mm.
Get ready.
This is the hottest ticket in town.
And we got killer seats.
Why is she crying?
- Oh, she knows how it ends.
- Oh.
What are we seeing?
- Death of a Salesman.
- Oh.
Yeah. You remember when that
door-to-door vacuum salesman...
he crawl-space'd all those nurses?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
More like "thank God."
Glass is here, or we get
Shamu'd by all the fluids.
Whoa.
Hey, Sheeshee. I'm so
glad you waited up.
Mm, I'm so glad you woke me up, Kiki.
You're nervous about
tomorrow, aren't you?
- Mm.
- It's gonna be a dream.
- Mm.
- I even picked
the shortest haftarah portion, okay?
I have a great idea.
Since you're up, why don't you...
give me a little signature right here?
Right there. Yeah, look at that.
Oh, oh, careful, careful. I
got my perm set today, Kiki.
Oh, okay. It looks great.
Yeah, it looks really great. Okay...
What is this I'm signing?
Oh, looks like a document.
I don't know. Boring.
I think if you just sign it,
we'll just be done with it.
Yeah.
Where's the Nintendo?
Uh, it's at the office.
Keeping it safe.
So, you know, if I just get a little,
you know, "Shira" right here-a...
Or-a, why don't you go
and get that Nintendo,
bring it back, and then I'll
sign this vague paperwork?
I'm just... again, just
thinking out loud...
- Mm-hmm.
- You sign it now.
I get the Nintendo tomorrow
on the way to Beth El.
Two birds with one stone, yeah?
- Or... just spitballing here...
- Okay.
... no.
Okay. All right.
Well, you seem like you
have a really, uh,
strong path on this one.
Uh, I will be right back.
- All right.
- And don't you wait up, okay?
Aww. I'm going shluffy.
I never even open a menu.
I just order the most
expensive shit, you know?
- It keeps it exciting.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Looks delicious.
- Doesn't it?
Mm-hmm. It's so fleshy.
Yeah.
Dig in.
Here we go.
- This is so fresh.
- It's the best part.
After you, friend.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I prefer my ground beef cooked
and with cheese and on a bun.
I'm from a town with one restaurant.
This world, it's very
overwhelming to me.
No, I get it.
I'm not really into this
rich shit either, kid.
I mean, I-I kind of grew
up like you, you know?
But instead of one restaurant,
I had no parents.
Hey, what's your favorite
burger joint in the city?
Well, I've been wanting to try
this dive by our place...
uh, uh, Berger's Burgers,
but Tiff's allergic to fast food, so...
Hang on a minute. Berger's Burgers?
- Yeah.
- In Alphabet City?
Yeah.
I practically grew up there.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
You want to go there, get out of here?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, hey, come throw
this shit in the trash.
I just have to return my jacket.
No, they tried to poison us.
Fucking keep the thing.
Hey!
Okay, ok...
Come on. Let me in. Here.
Look, look, Shira and I, we broke up.
It's over, baby. It's donezo, okay?
I want to be Keith and Mike.
I want to share everything with you.
A-a place in Chelsea, a portmanteau.
What do you want to call ourselves?
You want to call ourselves,
uh, Meith or-or Kike?
- No, no.
- No, no. Meith, Meith.
Look, I want to be with you, okay?
And I'm gonna tell her tomorrow
after that bar mitzvah.
I'm gonna be like, "Baruch atah,
adiós, baby," okay?
'Cause I love you.
Come here, you.
Mmm!
- I'm shaking.
- Yeah, you are.
Um, we need to celebrate.
Do you have, uh, champagne or something?
- Yes, I'll get some.
- All right, great, great.
I'll get some. Oh, God.
Okay...
- Uh, out of champagne...
- Yeah, sounds great!
Oh! Fuck! Fuck.
Keith? Holy shit!
Whoa! I'm fine! I'm fine!
I'm fine.
Why are you stealing my Nintendo?
It's my Nintendo, okay?
I bought this for you.
And now I need it for
my son, okay? So...
If I don't bring it to my son,
Shira's gonna fucking kill me.
Don't you want to be happy?
I am happy. I fucking love my family.
What, do you want me
to leave them for you?
For... for... for sex?
Wow. Just sex?
Okay. Have a good night.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay!
- Fuck you.
- You know what?
Go blow on the cartridges,
because that really works, Keith.
Yeah, I'll give you
something to blow on.
Oh, fuck! My arm.
Ah, there he is. Come here.
Ah. Great to see you.
H-how long's it been?
Weren... weren't you here the night
- that Dolly Parton was here?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah! What a crazy night, right?
- Oh, what a night.
Yeah, yeah. Missed this place.
Can we get two classic
Berger's Burgers, please?
Sure.
Let's do this.
Oh, sorry. No change for this.
Like I've ever wanted change.
Get the fuck out of here.
Thanks, pal. Hey.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Hey, come around.
- We miss you.
- Yeah, good to see you.
You really met Dolly Parton?
Was she with Linda Ronstadt
or Emmylou Harris?
I-I'm a big trio fan.
She was rolling pretty deep.
- Ah. Wow.
- Yeah.
I mean, of course I know Dolly Parton.
Who do you think bought her those cans?
I'm joking.
- Oh.
- God did.
Sometimes He does give with both hands.
Actually, it's my second-favorite night
I've ever spent in here.
W-what was your first?
Uh...
Uh... I grew up in an orphanage
not too far from here...
right around the corner, actually...
and the smell from this
place would just go
all throughout the neighborhood.
And o... and one day,
1961, I ran in here.
I grabbed a burger
right off the counter,
and I'm thinking, "Oh, man, I'm
gonna finally taste this thing
I've been jacking it to all my life."
But old man Berger, God rest his soul...
a lot faster than he looked.
- Hmm.
- Caught me.
He didn't, you know,
beat my ass or call
the cops or anything.
He gave me a job.
- What?
- Yeah. And that night,
after my first hard day of work
throwing out trash and mopping,
sweeping, all of that,
I cooked myself a burger back there.
- And God damn it...
- Best burger of your life?
No, undercooked it.
Nearly prolapsed my anus.
But when I got out of the
hospital the next night,
I came back here, and
Bergy cooked me a burger.
- And that motherfucking...
- I'm sorry, you...
you immediately came back
and ate another burger?
The point is, Blair, it was dope.
Huh.
That's what Tiff doesn't get,
'cause she was born with money.
Oh, yeah, the whole jeans thing.
Yeah, yeah, and she wants
to use her parents' money
for everything.
- It's so annoying.
- Well...
Don't throw the whole baby out
- with the bathwater. Oh, look at this.
- Here you go.
- Let's dig in.
- Oh, thanks.
And so Reagan is cutting all
of the funding for the arts.
Ugh. I wish he would've thought of that
before his movies.
I didn't hate the one with the monkey.
You know, Mom, now that I'm a partner,
I could talk to the firm
about maybe funding an
endowment opportunity.
Speaking of opportunities, I
actually have one for you guys.
Maybe make some easy money.
Ooh, my favorite kind.
Mine is the rupee. It's
an Indian currency.
It's a fun word, too... rupee.
Rupee.
Yeah, well, all you'd have to
do is just hold some shares
for us for a few months,
and then, you know,
when we take them back,
you'd get a nice payday.
Easy-peasy.
Uh, no, thank you, baby.
I don't know, Ruth.
Uh, things are kind of tight right now.
We don't need any charity, Walt.
You're about to make tenure,
and as I mentioned,
all my pieces from my Power
Gallery show sold out.
Mom, this isn't charity.
You'd actually be earning the money.
This helps me, and it's real money.
Real money is honest money, okay?
I don't get it.
You just said you were proud of me.
No, I said I was happy
for you. Not proud.
What happened to "this is the '80s,
a woman can be whatever she wants"?
That's the point. You can.
So why would you choose to be a crook?
"Hold shares." Come on.
I'm not dumb, and neither are you.
You are a brilliant, thoughtful woman.
Make something besides
just money for yourself.
- Yummy.
- It's not your fault
that we put you in that private school
with all those rich white kids.
But now you're a... you're a yuppie.
Mmm.
No, Mom, actually, I am a buppie.
And you know what? I'm proud of it.
Because all of our
hippie parents fuck...
Messed everything up.
Why do you think your
neighborhood is so bad now?
Hmm? Money is the answer.
Not protesting or painting porn.
Dawn, don't bring your
mother's porno into this.
I think it's tasteful and arousing.
Baby, why don't you just calm down?
Don't tell me what to do.
And you're drunk, and you
have surgery in the morning!
You know what? I can do what I want.
And if I want to be a
barren robber baron,
then so be it.
Most of the time, I just
walk around that office
feeling like one of the chickens
my dad used to make me
cut the head off of.
Oh, my God, how many dad stories
are we gonna have to listen to?
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a dad.
And you don't.
But seriously, how do
you guys get it done?
I just don't feel like there's
enough hours in the day.
Cocaine.
I'm dead serious.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, watch and learn.
Ta-da.
- Should I try some?
- I don't think so.
No, you don't want to do this.
You can't handle this. Forget it.
Uh, you don't know what I can handle.
Okay.
Okay.
I feel more successful already.
You little coke whore.
Scarface!
Okay, Bobby, boy.
Say hello to Vanessa, the family...
Thanks!
And off we go.
- _
- Thank you.
- After you.
- Have a good day.
Yeah, you too.
Who's Bobby? And who's Vanessa?
Who cares?
♪ Shout, shout ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ These are the things
I can do without ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ I'm talking to you ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Shout, shout ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ These are the things
I can do without ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ I'm talking to you ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ In violent times ♪
♪ You shouldn't have to sell your soul ♪
♪ In black and white ♪
♪ They really, really ought to know ♪
♪ Those one-track minds ♪
♪ That took you for a working boy ♪
♪ Kiss them good-bye ♪
♪ You shouldn't have to jump for joy ♪
Oh, God.
Oh.
The moon is so much brighter
when you're on cocaine.
Yeah, that's the sun, Blair.
Okay, well, I'm late for Jew church.
Why don't you try to get some rest?
Thank you. Thank you. That
was... that was a great...
that was a great night.
- Yeah, it was a great night.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, um, uh...
may... may I have a promotion, please?
Um, uh, for the following reasons...
One, I'm a very hard worker.
B, the algorithm, at this...
You know what? Yeah.
Why not? I dub thee promoted. Fuck it.
Yeah?
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. You have a good night.
- Yeah, you too, you too.
- Oh, hey, wait a minute.
I forgot. I got to give this to you.
All right, take it easy.
♪ Shout, let it all out ♪
Tiff, have you ever had sex with a guy
with a huge promoti...
What?
What the fuck did you do?
Before you spaz out, check out...
how cool this is.
Ah!
We talked about this.
You know how it makes me feel
when you... y-y-you take
things from your parents
that I should be providing.
- I asked you to not...
- You know what? No.
- I am so done.
- Take my dick
and put it in the trash compactor.
- That's what you want to do...
- Cannot hear you.
Just call your parents
and have them come over.
Make your dad come over.
He can take my dick and put
it in the trash compactor.
You know what? Stop being such a
puss 'cause my dad has money.
You know what? Fuck your dad.
I would rather fuck my father!
- No shit!
- My mom, too.
She could finger me with more gusto!
Great! All the fingers in the
world aren't gonna satisfy you!
Way to go, Brad. Looking great.
Where you been, Kookoo?
Just getting the Nintendo, Shushu...
from the office.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe we can, you know,
sign these papers?
You listen to me, Keith.
You're going to prison.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but someday, and probably
for the rest of your life.
And I'm not gonna allow you to take me
and our beautiful family down with you.
Eat shit!
Sorry. Great job there.
We're so proud of you.
Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
- Love you so much. So much.
- So much.
Dad.
Hey, look who it is. The big man.
Doc Gooden's been in the
bathroom for, like, 45 minutes!
Is Mr. Met gonna make it?
- I told everyone he'd be here.
- Well, guess what.
Tell your friends they got
to be disappointed, okay?
'Cause Mr. Met ain't coming.
Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing Mr. Met!
He came.
He came!
I'd know those legs anywhere.
That's a weird thing to say.
Isn't his giant baseball head
kind of his calling card?
Yeah, shh, shh, shh.
♪ I only wanted someone... ♪
Looking good, Mr. Met! Whoo!
Hey.
Hey!
Uh... great job out there.
Thanks for coming.
Look, want to know the real reason
why I didn't let you park those shares?
Because if something goes bad,
you are the only person in my life
that I can't live without.
Can you maybe take off the head?
'Cause I cannot gauge how
any of this is landing.
If Shira won't take
those shares, I will.
No. Why?
'Cause I would like to make
enough money so I don't
have to prance around for
a bunch of spoiled brats
in an off-brand Señor Met
costume I got in Chinatown
'cause you couldn't get
the real one to show up.
Come here, you.
Uh, blessed day.
Uh...
All right, go and enjoy the party.
Oh! A board game.
Okay, that's gonna pay
for college. Thank you.
Your cousins are a bunch of schnorrers.
Thank you. Thank you. Very sweet.
You guys get rid of your shares?
Yep. Could not have
been a simpler process.
Totally remembered to do that.
Who'd you go with?
What's this?
- That's my kid.
- I know.
Mazel titties.
Excuse me. Hey.
Hey, Mo. Hey, guys.
Um, so I came here to
tell you two things.
One... and this might
be the cocaine talking,
but can we get some more cocaine?
And two...
... I broke up with Tiff.
I broke up with Tiff!
Is this a child wedding?