Black Books (2000–2004): Season 2, Episode 2 - Fever - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

(# Eerie music)

(Whispered chanting)

(# Music intensifies)

Three 99s, please.

I'm staring. I'm staring at women.

It's the heat, all the dresses.
It's driving me nuts.

It's very hot. Too hot.
What's the temperature?

No, I'm not 12.

- No, go away!
- Only trying to be nice.

Sorry, I'm tired.
I haven't slept in a week.



My flat is suffocating.

- What's the temperature?
- Stop asking that, will you?

- Mustn't stare.
- You don't stare at me.

You're my oldest friend.

Anyway, you look like
you just fell out of a tree.

Go home and get some rest.

I can't sleep there.
It's like the walls are closing in on me.

Look at her.

I bet she washes her hair
in streams and milks things.

She's not even sweating.
Has she not glands?

Jesus, it's 81 degrees. 81!

- Don't block the frock.
- But it might get to 88.

- And it can't. It can't!
- Shut up and have a cold bath.

I should get a girlfriend before
I turn into one of those freaks



- who just gawp at women.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna lie down.

Excuse me. Have you...?

- Oh.
- One for you too.

- You know what we want?
- We like different stuff.

You're going on holiday,
you want trash but different trash -

you women want social themes,
believable characters.

You want plots, suspense.
This'll do you both.

This temp's 29, she can't get
a boyfriend. Oh, my God.

- Sounds great.
- No way.

And she's got 12 hours
to stop a nuclear war.

- All right.
- One each, then.

(Snoring)

(Snoring continues)

Get out. Women think
you're my girlfriend. Go.

Just for a few hours.
In my place I lie there writhing

and sticky and glistening...

Stop it! I'm getting a summer
girlfriend till this wears off.

She'll be a summery girl, with hair

and summery friends
who know how to be outside.

She'll play tennis and
wear dresses and have bare feet.

And in the autumn I'll ditch her!
Cos she's my summer girl.

Come on, get up! Go home! Get up!

- (Grumbles sleepily)
- Bye-bye!

(Siren wailing)

(Creaking)

(Creaking)

(Grinding)

- (Crash)
- (Shrieks)

88. What's the big deal?
What happens to you?

- You don't wanna know.
- I do.

- No, you don't.
- Don't do that!

I want to know even more
if you tell me I don't.

Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Well, you don't wanna know
why I want to know.

- Oh? Why's that?
- Ha! See?

- I have a condition.
- What? What's it called?

Dave's syndrome.

You're making this up.
It's like your fudge thing.

You have to eat lots because...

Stops me going deaf.

Yeah, and the other one.
What... You only travel in vans.

No! The other way!
Never let me be put in a van!

It's rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish.

Hi. Do you have a book...?

Thank you.

Would you like a cool one?
Lovely on a hot day.

Cool books?

Straight from the fridge.

Oh, thank you.

Ohhh...

Ohhhhh.

(Ding)

OK, if I told you that the walls of my flat

were actually moving in,
would you think I was strange?

No, I'd ask you to come round
and look after my small children.

If you don't believe me,
come round and we'll watch the wall.

No, we'll be watching the thermometer.
Won't we, Bernard?

It's an impossible choice -
walls, thermometers...

I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin
it explodes and kills me.

Fran! Hello. How's it going?

Might be a slight rent increase soon.

Price of light bulbs.

What's this - 2B?
There was never a 2B...

This is a new door.

You have moved my bloody wall
and put a room in.

You're funny, Fran! It's a Victorian house.

A lot of them were built
with redouble perspective.

You might think a room's
twice as big or small as it really is.

There was never a flat here.

It's the heat, love...
playing tricks with your mind.

No, don't. That's rude, love.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Are you in 2A?

I'm in 2. There is no 2A.

Oh, come on.
This flat's always been here.

Remember the Bracewells?
And the Guptas?

Little Sanjay with his trumpet practice.

Mr Marchman, I meant to ask you
to fix the peephole.

I can see into the flat from out here
but I can't see out.

- It's weird.
- Soon, love, soon.

Don't listen to him, he's making this up,
this is a new room!

- She's a bit...
- I am not a bit...

Would you like to have a coffee
and talk about this?

Oh, yeah. Coffee that I spilt,
you picked up with tweezers

and now you're gonna serve it to me.

OK, that was mad.
But the rest is true.

- I want my flat back!
- Girls, girls... girls.

You're both such lovely girls.

You'll be sharing sugar in no time.

Don't fight. And if you do,

fight nice with pillows and... jimjams.

The heating's on!

I want to see what happens
to you at 88 degrees.

- Don't do that again.
- You're making this up.

I will have no malingerers in my shop.
Go and fetch my lolly.

It was the landlord.

He moved my wall and put in another flat

and now there is this woman
in my space.

- What's she like?
- Oh, you know the type.

They're all, "Helloooo," and "Hiiii."

She even asked me in for coffee.
A really clever bitch.

I think you should get a lawyer.

Expensive. Get someone
to pretend to be one.

Someone who's like a lawyer -
arrogant, cruel, crooked,

a liar, a real bastard,
that'd sort them out.

- No, I'm not doing it.
- Oh, go on.

When you get a girlfriend,
I'll give you a reference.

I'll lie for you, say you're OK.

All right. Deal.

(Buzzing)

(Grinding)

Not so fast.

I represent Fran Katzenjammer
from flat 2, she's my client,

and I'm a hotshot lawyer
like on television.

- So what's the problem exactly?
- My client's room is smaller.

It's illegal to steal space

under the European Act
of Legislation which happens...

in a court.

Her room's the same as always.
I've got the measurements.

- Don't evade the question.
- Eh?

- Just answer the question!
- What question?

Hmm? Oh. Sorry.

Where were you
when the rooms were measured?

- I was...
- Ha, ha, ha! Oh!

So where was the room?

2B's always been there,
you can see for yourself.

Damn right, before I send this building
downtown to the boys in the lab.

I'm sequestering these as evidence.

And I'm issuing you with
a decree of... sub... ju... dae. Subjudae!

You are under a legal subjudae
to stay there until...

Until such time as...

...Simon says, "Stand up".

- Hello?
- All rise. Hello.

I am Bernard Black from
Black Hingley &... Whoohoey Associates.

You're accused of space thievery.

- I've come to measure the room.
- Why?

Don't kid around, sister,

you could spend the next
20 years in the electric chair.

But I've done nothing wrong.

How could you? Look at you.

You're a summer flower.
Here, have a judge's bun.

Thank you. Come in. Look.

I don't understand her next door.

Oh, forget her. She's a mad bitch.

But I don't want to have to go to court.

Don't worry, I'll represent you.

Really, I wanted somewhere a bit bigger.

Maybe I'll just move.

Cos in the summer,

I like having a sense
of light and airiness and space.

You know, like something Georgian.

That's incredible.
Since you've been here it seems bigger.

Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law.

- What are you doing?
- I'm literally jumping for joy.

This is gonna be
the best summer yet. I love you.

- It is!
- (Banging)

Bernard, you arsehole!
(Muffled expletives)

Er, I'll call, OK? I've got to go.
Lengthy trial coming up,

I have to get wig extensions. OK? Bye.

You have no idea how easy it is

to get a girlfriend if you're me,
which you're not.

- It's 84 degrees!
- Relax, I got you a present.

The latest thing.
It actually sucks out your body heat

if you fill it with boiling water
and wear it all the time.

- And you will stay with me...
- I'm a boyfriend now,

I've got duties -
sighing and holding hands

and not finishing sentences.

You and the sun will
have to battle it out alone.

Excuse me. I bought this for
someone and they don't want it.

I was wondering if I could change it.
Maybe for the money.

Sand. Manny?

(Munches)

Sardinia, south.

Portoscuso. The little beach
by the old monastery.

- Get out.
- Damn.

You bastard! You nine-sided whore!

I had to, she was gonna leave!

I'm your oldest friend! And I can't sleep!

- It's just for the summer.
- Forget it.

I am going to have
blissful slumber tonight.

Forget your summer bunny.

Fran, he won't help me in the heat.
Can I stay with you?

There's no room!

Yeah, I know.
But there's two different kinds.

There's bad asbestos
and there's nice asbestos.

Anyway, it grows on you.

Yeah, don't worry. Bye!

Hello, Mr Landlord.

I've got a complaint.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yes.

It's my bed.

It's just too damn big for little me.

Your room's too small,
your bed's too big...

Look...

I think we can work it out...

in-in... in the bed.

I don't understand.

It's very simple. Look -

You're there, OK, and I'm there.

Or the other way around.
Don't care. Too tired.

Let me get this straight -
you're offering...

you are actually offering...

I am actually offering you me, yes.

Me. Yours. To enjoy.

Like an ?clair or...

a day at the zoo.

Eh?

Sex! Sexy... sex!

Oh! Anything for a tenant!

When you put the room back
the way it was.

Should I bring this?

Mmm.

Bernard, this thermal jacket you bought
me isn't working. I feel quite warm.

Trust me, it's what
the astronauts use to keep cool.

- Is space hot?
- Of course it is!

Where else do you think
we get pineapples from?

I hope you're wearing
your Heat-B-Gone booties.

- Where are you going?
- Out. Courtship calls.

I'm getting Alice chocolate,
flowers, chocolate flowers,

florets of chocolate,
it's a truckload of woo.

It's 86 degrees, you can't leave me,
it might hit 88.

I'm scared, Bernard, please don't go.

Oh, you mustn't get to 88 degrees.
Why is that again?

- You don't wanna know.
- You're right, I don't.

Bernard, please!
Bernard, please, please!

Please don't leave me. Please, Bernard.

Please don't leave me. Please!

I'll tell you! I'll tell you
what happens at 88 degrees.

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Bernard. Oh, bless you.

Thank you, Bernard, thank you.
Oh, thank you, Bernard.

- I forgot my wallet.
- What?

Oh... no! Please!

Please!

Aaaah.

No, the flat's great. No more trouble
from the mad neighbour.

But the lawyer guy who sorted it out,
he turns out to be a freak.

I can't move for
all the flowers he's sent.

Yes, and fancy presents.

And awful, awful poems.

Listen to this one.

"Think of a bee, you are its knees

"You waft through me
like a summer's breeze

"Can I come round Tuesday, please?"

I know. Terrible!

I know.

The wine's nice, though.

(Thunderous grinding)

Just a skirting board bolt.

Won't look like it's moving now.
Not that it ever did, mind.

Great, thanks.

This... other problem...

- Sorry?
- The difficulty with the bed.

Oh, no, the bed's fine. I love my bed.

We talked about the bed.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

You must be thinking
about someone else.

It's been hot today,
and that can play tricks with your mind.

But...

I moved the wall back for you.

Don't be silly. The wall never moved.

- You said.
- Yeah...

Call you next time the toilet's blocked.

Er... Brrr! Brrrrr! Cold, cold.

Brrr, brrrr! Cold.

Not working!

86! 86 degrees!

Use the power of the mind.
Think of cold things!

Oh, no! A blizzard!

(Arctic wind noises)

I'd like a copy of Tempocalypse, please.

Go! Go away! Icy winds! Dangerous here!

- Go!
- Please, go on.

Oh, all right.

What? Where are the books?

(Low roar)

Oooh. (Puffs)

(Snarling)

(Bell rings)

(Snarling, sniggering)

(Bell ringing)

(Man screaming)

Bye, then!

Piss off!

- (Accordion chirps)
- Hello!

Come to serenade you.
I can't play guitar.

I can't play this either
but it might be less obvious.

So if you could look wistful...

- No, thanks. Goodbye.
- Where are you going?

Somewhere else.

I've had enough.
The flat's small, then it's huge,

now it's a closet
full of flowers and truffles.

- I am not interested. OK?
- But-but...

- Get lost!
- No, no!

My summer girlfriend doesn't get angry.

You laugh as we cycle
around the Cotswolds in a taxi.

You flick the cherry off the pie
just like Auntie Nibbs did.

What?

Freak.

Stop!

- Bernard.
- Stop! She's breaking the law!

Forget it. She was never your girlfriend.

It's just the heat playing tricks
with your mind.

There's nothing wrong with my mind!

You're wearing an accordion.

(Squawks)

(Banging, accordion honking)

Listen, this whole thing,
we're old friends.

Don't you think it's about time
now that we admitted

that we're hugely attracted
to one another?

Just for the summer.

No, I don't. I think we should wait a bit.

Till when? Yeah?

Mmm... when?

Until at least one of us is dead?

- Let's get a drink, then.
- OK. But not at the shop.

I don't want to hear how hot Manny is.

What was the name he made up
for that condition?

I don't know. Some nonsense.

Blake's syndrome,
Blaine's syndrome, some rubbish.

(# Eerie music)

(Metallic banging)

Yaaaaah!

(Roars)

Poor bloke.

Dave's syndrome.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew