Black Books (2000–2004): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Fixer - full transcript

No... No...

Oh, maybe. No, no.

"Sales manager
in a huge department store. "

- Too busy.
- "Beautician on a cruise liner"?

Too boaty.

You can sort your life out anytime,
the pub closes in five hours.

You could help.
It's not easy finding a job.

Have Manny's.
He's useless, he won't mind.

You work here and he can go back
to the seaman's shelter he was born in.

Enough. The pub. Come on, Manny.

No, I won't bother.
I'm useless, apparently.



- I'll just stay here.
- Don't take it like that.

I only meant you never
do anything of any use.

I hope you've got keys for when
you roll in drunk. I'm off to bed.

"Manny, bring my keys over, will you?"

Yes?

Oh, hello, Gus.

Long time no speaky.

Oh. When did you get out?

Yeah. Yeah! What, your nephew?

Yeah, I'm sure we could do
a book reading, yeah, no problem.

Yeah. Listen, Gus, a friend
of mine's looking for work,

you wouldn't know of anything?

Yeah? Right.

Great, yeah. What's the name?
OK, hang on.



Now we'll see who's useless.

All right, fire away.

Go on, Gus. Yep. Speak up a bit.

Hooray!

Ooh! Hot, hot!

Whoops.

Lucky.

Five, six, seven, eight...

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Well?
- Lovely.

The job's as good as yours.
This Nugent owes a favour to my mate.

- That's the address.
- Who's Danny Spudge?

- You'll meet him at lunch.
- What is the work?

I only spoke to Gus after he spoke
to Danny, so I don't know.

- Who's Gus? What lunch?
- I'm gonna be late.

Wait!

Now, who's Nugent?

She won't know
until you let her go to the job.

- How do you know Spudge?
- I don't, Gus does.

- Who's Gus?
- A friend of Nugent's.

- Hello?
- Who are you?!

- Er, I'm Ralph.
- Ralph who?

- What?
- Don't play games!

- Why did they send you?!
- I just want a book on tape!

- What?!
- Anything by James Ellroy.

How's Ellroy involved?!
Tell me or I'll jam you! Who's Gus?

- Gus is my friend.
- Keep talking!

I used to work for Gus -
bit of a crook but well-connected.

His nephew Danny has written a book.
Gus suggested a reading.

I asked him about jobs for Fran
and he suggested Nugent. No mystery.

OK?

- What about this bastard?
- He's a customer.

I'm sorry, we don't do books on tape.
Could you try down the road?

Yes. Yes.

Ye... No!

No! How many times have I...?

How many times have I heard that?

Just get it sorted, right?!

- Fran?
- Mm.

Yeah. Look, we're not living
on a farm, right?

Do you take my point?
So just do it because it is your job!

Vouchers for the canteen.
I'm sorry about this.

No. No.

NO!

Take these to the front for your desk.

- Oh, great. Er, right.
- Go on, go on.

Sorry, er, I don't actually know
what the job...

Oh, for Christ's sake,
does he have to be told everything?!

I'll see you later.

Listen. If I have to come down there
and show you the box I will

but you don't want that because
when I step in, those boxes travel.

Yeah, in a box.

So I left him sat there
staring at his thumbs in the ashtray.

It's quite a funny story.

Thumbs.

- In the ashtray.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thumbs, yeah.
- Just lying there, all bloody.

- Yeah.
- And bent.

It's a very, very, very, very,
very funny, funny story.

- It's not that funny.
- No.

I don't wanna give the punters
the wrong impression.

- Which would be...?
- Some people think I'm a thug.

That's very upsetting.

That's why I did the book,
to set a few things straight.

To show the real, adorable you?

Exactly!

Anyway, lads, about the book reading,
I've got a slight problem.

We can cancel it, that's fine!

Cancel? No, no, no, no.

No big thing.

I've just gotta brush up
on me reading skills.

But you wrote a book.

No, ghostwriter, innit?
Bloke who did the Spice Girls book.

Wow!

- So you can give me lessons, yeah?
- Er, no, we...

- You can read?
- Obviously. Everybody can read.

- Ahem.
- But we...

Everybody... with...

People who you...

I- I think we'll be able to help.

So here's to your lessons.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

Incidentally, don't tell anyone about this.

Otherwise I'll kill you both.

And your mums.

I don't know what
I'm supposed to be doing.

- If they find out, they'll fire me.
- Don't worry.

But I don't know what to do,
whether I'm supposed to...

or... or anything!
I need this job.

Oh, you'll pick it up.
It's all about attitude.

Just go in there and give it a go
and you'll pick it up.

We don't know how to teach
somebody to read

but we’ll... pick it up.

Because that's how you learn anything,
like driving or...

- Exactly. I'm not worried.
- Astrophysics.

Exactly.

- Lion taming.
- Exactly.

I'm not worried.

You seen Ted? Braces, spots.

This is crap. He's crap.

- At what?
- At everything!

It's like he doesn't know
what he's doing.

There's always one wanker
who faffs around

and leaves everyone else
to pick up the slack.

- How are you getting on?
- Good, yeah. Hectic.

Pity about Ted.

She hasn't done much
since I've been in.

Right, noted. Cheers, Fran.

When do you hand your stuff in, eh?
Thursday?

- Thursday?
- Mm.

Fair's fair, you hired me yesterday,

told me nothing about the job,
I'm not going to keep...

you waiting till Thursday.
First thing tomorrow.

- Presenting it to the board?
- Yeah, of course. Of course.

Great stuff. I wish Gus
would send me a few more like you.

Get on with it!

"I kept his ear
in my pocket for a month.

"I used to chew it at parties.

"Gets you noticed, I can tell you. "

He's insane! This is insane!

Reading is something
that can't be taught.

No, you remember your early books.

"Peter likes Jane, Jane likes Peter,
Peter has a ball. "

"Jane has no thumbs. "

Gentlemen.

- Danny!
- Hello. Thank you.

- Have a seat.
- Telling me what to do?

No, no, no, no.

- Er, have you eaten?
- Like a jumper?

- You're not bored? Or...
- Nah.

Let's start.

OK. If you just read a page
we'll find your level.

Hang on. Shouldn't I learn
the whatchamacallem first?

- The... the...
- Yes?

- The, erm...
- The what?

The letters - alphabet. I gotta
know that before I can make words.

Ahh.

Yes. Yes, of course.

- Manny, a moment.
- Yes.

He doesn't know letters.
He can't read at all.

So he missed school -
but he's very good at snooker.

Is he? Good. Good!

Go and dig out
Learning To Read With Steve Davis.

Ahh! You see?

- We're not quitters.
- I am. I come from a long line of quitters.

It's amazing I'm here at all.

He's just an urchin, a foundling.

- We can teach him.
- We can't!

Look at that face.
I bet his cornflakes try to escape!

- We have to try.
- What if we can't?

Just try, Danny.

Please, guess. What's the letter?

Arr...

Arrr...

Argh... I've got a cluster headache.
I'm gettin' upset...

I can't breathe. I've gotta go.

- That's fine!
- If you have to.

How long's it take for
these lessons to take effect?

- I am doing well?
- Excellent. Excellent!

A natural.

Oh, good. Good.

Because if I can't read by Friday,

you'll both be brown bread.

Buttered. With Harry. On the boat.

Who's Harry?!

I don't have a boat!

Oh, my God!

Oh, there you are.
Manny, what am I gonna do?

I have to give a talk or a report
or a talk about a report...

- We've got a real problem!
- I'll get fired!

We'll get killed!

- Will you both please relax?
- This is your fault.

All I know about my job is there are
biscuits in the stationery cupboard.

- What kind?
- We're gonna die!

- It's nothing.
- It's not nothing.

He eats poppadoms
without breaking them.

We'll buy a lot and you'll be fine.

Just go in there and do the thing.

What thing?

I love my thumbs.

Don't worry. I'll call Gus.
He'll sort us out. Trust me.

And what about me?
If I get the boot...

Don't worry. Plenty of oomph.

- "Oomph"?
- Oomph.

Well, well, well.

What am I doing here? I ask you that.

What's it all about?

Any ideas?

Ask yourself -
is this, A, efficient

and, B...

productive?

Is this the best that we can be?

Are we or...

are we not...

a company?

Thank you, Fran. Thank you very much.

You're special. Hm? You're a leader.

You're gonna head up your own team.

You're going all the way.

Yes, Danny. Yes, Danny.
OK, D-Danny, th-thank you.

That was Danny, who's very excited
about being able to read by tomorrow.

When is Gus coming?
What if Danny doesn't listen?

Everyone listens to Gus, he's the fixer.

Danny said if we told anyone...

Look, we'll be discreet.

- I know the lingo.
- But what...?

What, you think you're a gangster?

I'm known in all the boroughs.

Right, clear off.
He doesn't talk to strangers.

- Manny!
- Gus!

Now, Manny, what can I do for you?

It's our little transaction.
Half of it's wobbly.

You know how it is,
someone goes in the deep end,

they get in a flap,
then the bully in them comes out

and you think, "Ooh, hello. "

Dear, oh dear. Michaels are being taken?

Ugly words. Threats, in fact.

Mums were mentioned, Gus. Mums.

Ah!

This is total lack of respect.

You do it because it's your job!

Manny, I've been promoted,
I get to bully everyone!

Fatty and Spotty wee themselves
when I walk by!

- Fran...
- I still don't know what I'm doing.

- This is Mr, erm...
- Ahh.

Hello!

Can't you do anything by yourself?!

Manny, don't you dare tell anyone.

Mum's the word.

No, no, no!

Er, sorry about that.
See, the problem is...

You're being bullied.
Now, we can't have that.

Leave it to me, Manny.

- Sorry to trouble you, Gus.
- No trouble.

What did he say, the midget?

- You mustn't call him...
- He's a midget. A tiny midget.

- What if he overheard?
- He won't! His ears are too small!

What's he gonna do about Danny?

It'll be fine. He'll call him off.

How do you know? He's a crook.

Let's just say we've always
understood one another.

Go get me some Turkish Delight.

Nugent, Gus. Get rid of the girl.

She's a bully, she's got no respect.

Yeah, threats and everything.

I can't tonight, I'm going to see
the Kronos Quartet.

It's not fair, I was doing so well.

Everybody loved me
and they were all so lovely.

- You didn't know what you were doing.
- Don't interrupt!

I had authority, I was... somebody.

Can't you talk to Gus, please?

He's already done us a big favour
by sorting Danny out.

It's unfortunate you got fired
immediately after I... spoke to him.

But everything's gonna be all right

and it'll be OK
because it's all very, very good.

Dreadful people. The Gucci dwarf,

and that drongo Danny!
You couldn't teach a thug like that.

Bernard, shut up.

Gus was genuine underworld
because he has to use a ladder to pee

- but that huge gonk!
- Bernard, Bernard...

I wish I could see him again
cos I'd have him, like that.

I feel a bit woozy.

I always get dizzy before the screams.

Before the air is full
of gizzards and tendons.

The hair. The blood.

It'll pass in a mo.

And then I'm gonna rip your...

So you're the one who can't read, hm?

- Sit down.
- What?

I said sit down!

Take that silly look off your big head.

Now, we've drawn an A, haven't we?

What is it?

It's an... A.

- I wanna go to the toilet.
- Shut up.

Not until you can read this.

Nibbly Pig Got On A Bus.

She's playing with fire -
he's not ready for Nibbly Pig.

Here's the divvy.

Keep it down out there, would you?

Cue Danny.

"It is a truth,
universally acknowledged,

"that a single man
in possession of a good fortune

"must be in want of a wife. "