Black Books (2000–2004): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Entertainer - full transcript

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

- (Bernard) Oh, my God.
- Isn't it great?

No, it's ridiculous.

Why did you get it?
And why is it in my shop?

Manny said I should get a hobby.

It'll be gone soon -
they need a winch to get it up to my flat.

You'll be bored of the piano
in ten minutes.

No. I'm getting proper lessons
from this Russian guy.

His ad says he never fails.

Right.

I have been working now for...



73 straight hours.

- I'm going to lunch.
- You can't.

Don't sell this, it's reserved for Williams,
all right?

- Where's my cure?
- It's not my fault you're hung over.

It is. If you were a normal person,

there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
Where's the flake?

I was looking for Blue Sands.

Sorry.

- This is not for sale!
- Flake, flake, flake, flake.

Oh, God!

Beat it, flaps.

This teacher is coming tomorrow,
is that OK?

Here's your bloody flake.

- Bernard?
- What?!



This is reserved for Williams.

You know what he's like.
It's written in the ledger.

"Williams - Blue Sands."

Will you get out of the way
for the lesson?

Shut up, all of you! I'm dying.

Jesus, more hobbledehoys.

You can't leave me alone with them!

They're all over the place
like a nest of pigs!

Why can't they all just go away and...

Oh, Manny, look.

I'm going. I don't even need a book.

I just heard this was funny
but sorry to bother you.

- No, wait. It's yours.
- No! That belongs to... Williams...

Great. How much do I owe you?

Nothing. Sorry it's not
beautifully wrapped.

Thanks.

What are you doing?
Why did you give that to that girl?

That's the woman I love, not "that girl".

- (Kicks Manny)
- (Phone)

Hello? No, they're all gone.
We sold the last one.

Mr Williams, your book.
Do you fancy a drink?

I'm afraid Manny's just sold
the last copy. Terribly sorry.

(# Discordant piano)

Again! Come on.

Three Blind Mice!

- God, not again.
- What's the matter?

We've done this for 10 minutes,
it's not what I imagined.

Neither was my first wife. Play!

(Continues discordantly)

You see? I can't play. Even if I had
50 fingers and a million years to spare.

I want to watch a video.
Can we go get chips?

When you hired me,
you hired a Slavanski.

My family has taught piano for 200 years.

Of all my 13 brothers and sisters,

I was the one sent on the scholarship.

The rest stayed behind in the yurt.

- What's a yurt?
- A tent made of beaver skins.

No slouching. Play!

(Continues, out of tune)

- Where were you?
- Fran kicked me out for her lesson.

Shut up. I'm not talking to you.

What? A customer
was a bit disappointed.

Quite disappointed. I'll make it up to you.

I'm sick of being used.
I'm sick of your lies.

- How will you make it up to me?
- I'll buy you a Jeep.

No. I want the weekend off.

I mean it. I want a life.

This is life!
We suffer and slave and expire, that's it.

We have needs. Fran's got her piano.

I want some time to myself.
You want to go out with a girl.

Don't make me laugh... bitterly.

Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away

and I'll die alone,
upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

(Laughing)

- Just... just ask her out.
- It's pointless.

Look at her, she's got goodness
running out of her ears.

I bet you the weekend she says yes.

Go on, give it a go.

All right, all right, look.

Hello. I'm, erm - not that it matters -

erm, Bernard and...

Nice to meet you. Kate.

- The book's good. Thank you.
- Oh...

Do you eat? I do. Want to do it
in the same room sometime?

- Er, well...
- You're busy.

Probably seeing one of your
four million friends. Never mind.

There, you see?

Is tomorrow all right?

- You did ask me out?
- Yes, I did.

And I'm sorry to bother you.

I pass by the shop anyway,
say eight o'clock?

- E-Eight...
- Good. See you then.

What does that mean, "see you then"?

It means me, duvet, TV, Maltesers,
behind a locked door.

I win. I've got the weekend off.
You've got a date.

Fran's having a great time
with her piano.

Who's suffering now? You tell me. Ha!

(# Faltering simple tune)

Enough!

Enough today.

Lots of work to be done.

Stupid piano.

You will practise all evening,
swear to me.

I swear.

I will be back tomorrow
and every day until you can play.

I got the weekend off.

That girl, I mean Kate, she asked me out.

Couldn't resist my musk.

- What's the matter?
- It's so unfair.

I must be musical.
I've got hundreds of CDs.

He wants me to practise all evening.

He's such a meanie.

Hm. I always wanted to learn
but my parents forced me not to.

I spent hour after hour
playing football all by myself.

Peering in at all the other children
practising their piano.

Get on with it,
you're not off till tomorrow.

What are you gonna do
with your time off?

Oh, I dunno. Long baths,
braid my beard, unbraid it.

Lie around fondling moonbeams,
being a lord of leisure.

Go on, you, get cracking.

OK, got to get down to this.

W-Where are you going?

Drink.

(Door closes)

Oh.

(# Lively classical piano)

Ah! I can play!

(Static)

(# Boogie-woogie)

Ah!

(# Scats along to music)

Hey!

(Groaning)

(Both groaning)

(Both) Argh!

- Nooo!
- Shut up!

Ooh, drinking when you should
be practising? Naughty, naughty.

After this, you're on your own.
My time off starts now.

I was listening to the radio,
I picked up a few chords.

Oh, Manny, don't! My head.

Josef is coming. He'll squeeze my face
and my brains will come out my nose.

- (# Manny plays single notes)
- No noise!

(# Grieg: Piano Concerto)

It's good, isn't it? Sort of relaxing.

I picked up this as well.
It's quite famous. It goes...

(# Plays lively tune from radio)

Miss Fran?

I've been practising.

Therefore I don't need
to have any more lessons

and so you can... go home.

Hmm. I see.

How wonderful.

And did you pick up anything else
in this single evening?

(# Jazz)

Impossible!

I don't believe it.

Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.

It was me showing off. I play jazz.

This is Bernard. Just a friend.

Have you been teaching my pupil,
Mr Bernard Jazz Friend?

Come away from the piano, please.

Now, play again. We shall see.

(# Lively tune from radio)

How can this be?

Well, I did practise all night.

Don't be upset, Josef, you inspired her.

Yes, thank you, Josef.

You've done a wonderful, wonderful job.

Today she's a natural,
yesterday it was cats screwing.

All credit to you. This morning
she played Brahms, Handel, Bach...

Bach! My favourite.

Before I go, please.

No, I can't. It's not good enough.

A perfectionist!

Excellent.

- (Slams keys discordantly)
- I will return tomorrow.

- No, but-but...
- Ah. Tomorrow.

What did you say that for?
Now he's coming back!

Don't worry, Manny's gonna pick it up.

No, he won't.
He's on holiday, remember?

He'll be watching the Test match in bed,
eating tiramisu with a long spoon.

Manny, what could be nicer?

It's really relaxing, you said so yourself.

(# Bach: Prelude 21)

Faster.

Faster!

You're not trying. Feathery strokes.

- You just told me to dampen it.
- Damp feathers.

You have to become the piano.
Play from within.

Argh! This isn't fair.

I get the weekend off, you meet Kate.

Ah! The lucky girl. I have to freshen up.

Er... No.

Come on, come on.

It's not as if you've been
asked to play anything difficult.

This is Bach's Prelude 21.

What would you describe as difficult?

Ritzenberg-Toscanonovic-
Prokofiev-Poppinofftoshops.

OK, you can have a break. Tea?

Oh! That'd be lovely.

I'll have one, too, thanks. And a bickie.

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.

I brought the book for you to read.

It's funny. What are you playing?

Oh, nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing.

Well, jazz. And classical. And everything.

- Rubbish, really.
- Go on.

- Oh, I'm not very good.
- That doesn't matter.

Usually I have to rub linseed oil
into my triceps before I...

Well, maybe a little ditty. Hang on.

No. No way. Not possible.

I refuse. Absolutely no.

That is a pity.

Have a nice weekend
repricing every book in the shop -

they've all just gone up by a penny.

Er, now...

there's just, er, something
I wanted to, er, ask you.

Erm, do you... Have you...

Have you ever, erm...

Have you ever read this?

- No.
- Well, don't. It's just birds.

Birds, birds and more birds.

Owls, finches, sparrows,
that kind of thing and it's...

It's very, very dull and birdy.

So stay away from that, OK?

- OK.
- All right. OK. Good.

Now, do you want to...?

Have a seat, have a seat.

Now...

music.

(# Upbeat jazz)

Sounds good. You've been practising.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

You are the lowest. How can you?

Awful, eh? Much worse than lying
to that sweet old blind man.

Clear off, you're ruining my gig.

Good, isn't he?

Amazing.

The truth is... he's a genius.

This is nothing.

Upstairs he's got rooms full
of his most recent paintings.

He can, er, speak nine languages,
blow glass, do hard sums,

but he wouldn't tell you.
He's just so modest.

I had no idea.

He seems so sort of awkward.

What he needs is someone
to give him confidence.

Right.

(# Gentle closing chord)

That was a bit clumsy. I'm usually better.

That was just fine.
Come on, you're taking me out.

Cheers.

Money. Taxis, dinners, tips.

What did you say about me?

Just nice things.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, Manny,
you mustn't let him exploit you like that.

You come and sit down.

There.

You sit there.

And have a nice practice
of the Bach for Josef.

Get off.

This is my holiday, I'm going to the pub.

I'm never playing for you again.

Well, if you can pick it up just like that...

anybody can.

(Discordant banging)

You freak!

Ohhh, God.

Come on, Manny, please!
Josef is gonna be here in a minute.

Don't! Stop! Stop.

What am I gonna say to him?
He'll kill me with his cane.

You. What did you say to Kate?

She thinks I'm the Renaissance.

She'll think I've lied. I had to go along
with all this reclusive genius stuff.

She'll be upset when she finds out
I'm a reclusive wanker.

You have lied, both of you, it's your fault.

I'm hung over and on holiday.
I'm going to lie down.

He's right.
We just have to tell them the truth.

- Josef! Um, hello.
- Fran, my dear.

Yes, erm, er...
Now, this is very difficult for me.

I know, I know.

Bach is always a challenge.

Permit me to introduce my father,

who flew in this morning
from Petersburg.

Miss Fran, my father Petor.

Hello. Yes, er, this makes
what I have to say even more difficult.

But wait. My grandfather Anton,
all the way from Odessa.

He taught the Tsar before the revolution.

Hello, erm, yes.

They have both come just to hear you.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

Wait.

Hi.

Oh... hi. Er, I feel very bad...

This is Mr Bernard Jazz - very good.

No, I'm not at all.

You've got to stop
putting yourself down.

Go on, play something.

Yes... Sorry, hang on.

No, I can't help either of you. I'm dying.

Look, if you just say yes,
I'll stop doing this.

A week off! I'll distract Kate.

A whole week, all yours, paid,
from today.

Spoon me.

(# Elaborate arpeggios)

Bravo!

Go on, your turn.

How about a duet?

Huh?!

Bernard?

Yeah.

Please, no!

- And one, and a two...
- No! No!

One, two, three, four.

(# Light and fast)

Ah!

(# Frantic piano continues)

Oh!

Bravo! Bravo!

Extraordinary!

I think possibly the second best
performance I ever heard.

Yeah, no big th... Second best?

No more, no more.

In '43, I heard Rachmaninov.

He finished with
Flight Of The Bumble Bee.

You almost approached him.

You're never happy, are you?

Rachmaninov?
I bet he used all his fingers.

I'm sure you could do better.

Exactly. Exactly.

We'll do our party piece.

(Fran) Yeah.
We only use one finger each.

It's in triple time.

It's called Flight Of
The Seven Million Bumble Bees.

(Josef) Impossible. You're joking.

- You think so?
- Just watch this.

(Discordant pounding)

Mmm. (Chuckling)

Oh, that's good.

Wonderful! That's just the ticket.

(Punching, thudding)

- (Weeping)
- Shut up.

So Josef shouted at you,
you're a failure, but hush your noise.

I can't even get a refund
cos it's full of bloody spoons.

Manny, get the aspirin.

No. I hope your head explodes.

Have some pity. You get drunk when
you've been dumped.

I'm delighted. It's all your fault.

I've sprained my ankle,
I can only see out of my ear.

- Everything hurts.
- Please!

No!

Hello, would you like to
make a donation for the blind.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew