Black Books (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 6 - He's Leaving Home - full transcript

THEME MUSIC
Oh, Jesus!
Yes, you've been caught!
What sort of time do you call this?
What are you talking about?
It's only midnight.
Where were you? Quickly, no lies.
I was with friends.
Friends?
Out? With? Some?
Let me smell your breath!
I thought so! Chips!
Where are my chips?
Look at your clothes, they're all
rumpled. What have you been doing?
Is that lipstick on your beard?
Here I am, worrying myself away
into a stick in the dark,
and you're scoffing chips
from some tart's lap!
Where's my tart?!
I want chips and tart!
Get up them stairs!
Look, you don't own me,
you're not the king of me.
I can go out with friends if I want!
Now, look here!
Maybe all those other boys that work
in book shops do what they want,
but you're working under my roof,
you'll abide by my rules!
This isn't Waterstone's!
I wish I'd never been born!
Manny!
Manny, stop singing in the bath!
MANNY: I'm not in the bath,
I'm in the toilet!
Who sings on the toilet?
Stop singing on the toilet, then!
You know, I'm probably getting a lot
of secondary smoke from you.
Don't worry about it.
Get me a drink sometime.
MANNY: Are there any customers in?
No.
(Hums)
(Sings) # Shake it to the left... #
PHONE RINGS
Hello? What?
Yes, hang on.
Friend of yours, some woman.
Oh, right. Hello?
Oh, hi! No! He didn't?!
Did...he didn't! Oh!
No, well, he was definitely
looking at you. He was!
He was definitely looking at you!
Oh, yes! No! (Laughs)
Who is this?!
What age are you? 30?
Is there something wrong with you?
Can't talk now,
he has to do his chores!
I can't believe you did that!
You're so rude!
Manny!
Oh, hi, what's the...?
Don't need you, need Manny.
Manny! Look, look, look!
Yeah?
Yeah.
Penelope Leermoth Tonk, yeah,
at home in her graceful mansion...
Hey, hey, why can't we talk about
something we're all interested in?
Hey, hey, hey, you know what?
Last week, right,
remember when I thought I had piles?
It wasn't,
it was just irritable bowel syndrome.
Uhhhh...back to the magazine!
That's it! Come on, out, out!
Look, Manny has lots to do.
Thank you, Fran. 'Bye, 'bye, 'bye.
..but it's very important...
Right, you, Imperial Leather,
back to work!
Right, you, Hawkwind, back to work.
There's nothing to do.
There's plenty to do.
Splishy splashy, come on.
What'd you do that for?
It's stupid and dangerous.
You'll have somebody's eye out.
Hurry up and sweep up, will you?
Oh, Bernard, come on!
PHONE RINGS
Manny!
Manny, phone!
PHONE RINGS
(Grunts) I'll get it, shall I?
Hello?
Bernard, hello?
Manny, where are you?
The phone's been ringing.
I'm running away. I left you a note.
Did you not see it?
Running away? Note?
Did? See? What are you talking about?
It's right in front of you.
Why are you running away?
The note will explain everything.
This is nearly a page.
Can you just give me the gist of it?
Well, I made a photocopy, so...yes.
(Reads) "Dear Bernard. By the time
you read this, I will be gone.
"You will never hear my voice again.
"And I, in turn,
will never write or phone
"or attempt to get in touch with you
in any way.
"The reason for this is that you've
been really nasty to me recently,
"and I think it's time
to try and make it by myself.
"I think I'm old enough
to make my own way in the world,
"and if you think that I'm..."
A bee!
Get out! Get out! Argh!
MANNY: Argh! There's a bee in here!
Get it! Get it! Shit!
GLASS SHATTERS
Gah! I put my arm through the glass!
Argh! Get, get, get! Get out!
Manny!
MANNY: I put my arm through
the glass! It's bleeding!
Gah! Someone help me!
Someone help me! Argh!
PHONE BEEPS
MANNY: Oh, oh, wait a second, wait a
second, I'll just put in more money.
Right, there we go, there we go.
Argh! Bee's on my head!
Get it off! Wait, wait, wait,
someone's coming, someone's coming.
Oh, thank you, thank you! Oh, good -
what, what? No, get off! Get off!
Bernard, I'm being mugged!
Send help! Send heeeelp!
DIAL TONE
Where's Manny?
He's not here.
Well, where is he?
How can I find him?
Well, you could become a
terrible event and happen to him.
I really wanted to tell him
this thing.
Well, what's all this telling Manny
everything business anyway?
I'm just as good at being
told things! Come on, tell me.
No, you won't get it.
No, no, I will, come on.
OK.
Apparently...
Yeah.
..OK, David Beckham...
Ahh! The footballer!
Yes.
Big smile, black guy, chacho.
You see, you're not gonna get this.
No, no, I know that's wrong.
Sorry, he cried during the World Cup,
but now he sells crisps.
Do you know nothing
about modern culture, Bernard?
Beckham, Posh, 'Pokemon', I mean...
'Pac Man'. It's pronounced 'Pac Man'.
Forget it. Where is Manny?
Oh, he quit.
He quit?
Yep.
It's quite funny, actually,
he rang me to say he quit,
and he was in the phone box,
you know,
and there was this...a bee,
and... (Buzzes)
And then he put his arm
through the glass,
and he was bleeding and everything,
and then he got mugged.
(Laughs) He got...just like that,
with the bee and the bleeding
and the mugger...
(Laughs)
So, we should help him.
And, um...well, it's just
that we're a little bit worried.
Yeah, I'm frantic.
He left after being shouted at by...
She spoils him.
She's always talking to him.
Giving him little things to eat.
How's he ever gonna learn
about the real world?
If anything were to happen to him...
Er, Derek, could you do a tea run?
Sure.
Can we get you anything?
Oh, thank you,
I'd love a little glass of white,
as long as it's not Chardonnay.
Er, well, no, it's tea or coffee,
I'm afraid.
No thanks.
Right. Can you describe Manny?
Um, he's...
Here... (Reads)
"Help fight crime, dial 999."
Is it 999
because it rhymes with crime?
I really think you should start
taking this seriously.
Manny could have a really tough time
on the streets.
Now, can you describe him, please?
Yeah, he's...
He's a pain in the hole.
THUMP!
He's small, he's got a lot of hair.
And he's got a sort of goatee thing.
What, a beard?
Yeah.
Just how old is your son?
Oh...oh, no, he's not our son.
Oh, no, he's, what,
he'd be about 32, 33?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'EVERYBODY'S TALKIN'
BY HARRY NILSSON PLAYS
Come in, come in, come on.
Well, I won't stay long,
I'll just get that glass of water
you mentioned.
Water? Ha!
What you need is a nice wine.
A nice glass of wine for you, huh?
You like wine?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, you like wine? You like wine?
Wine's nice, is it? Is it?
Wine is very nice, yeah.
A nice glass of wine for you.
Oh, well, someone serving me drinks.
That's a new experience.
Alright, alright.
Oh!
No, sit down, sit down.
So, my friend, you like my clothes?
I get you clothes just like it.
Oh.
You want a bath? Or some chicken?
We can watch the same songs.
(Plays air trumpet)
It's funny and cool.
It's funny.
Yeah.
Um...so, you're a photographer.
Oh, yeah, I do a lot of things.
I take pictures...I sell ice-cream.
I do a little work for...
you know CIA?
Yes.
I do a little work for them.
Can I feel your beard?
Uh, sorry?
Your beard. Can I feel it?
Er, um, no, I don't think...
Oh, please, I promise,
no funny stuff. Nothing weird.
Uh...
Well, OK.
Hey? Is good.
Stay still.
Oooh!
It's a good beard.
Yeah?
Yeah. Oh, it's...oh!
It's like a little bird.
(Makes bird call)
(Repeats bird call)
(Makes kissy sounds)
Tell me, do you use oils?
No!
You should.
The colours, it's auburn,
salt and pepper - it's ginger, too!
It's got everything!
Come on! Come here! Come here!
Just stand here.
What?
It's going to be fun. Just right
here. Come on, come on, just there.
Good, good, good. Stay still, look.
Look at the camera.
Huh, and...
(Laughs) What?
And again.
OK, give me some emotion.
Give me happy. Happy, happy.
Happy? (Hums and laughs nervously)
That's good.
You've done this before, huh?
Yeah.
OK, I need something vulnerable.
You are...you are lost doggie
in crowded funfair.
(Whimpers)
Argh!
Manny was something else, you know.
You don't meet someone
like him every day.
I met him every day.
I met him all day and all night
every day.
Today's one of the few days
I haven't met him.
And even then he still wrote to me
and rang me.
I'm expecting a fax any minute.
But, yes, I know, it's all, it's...
It's very...
Yeah, it's just so...
But come, cheer up,
it's just the two of us now!
No offence or anything.
That used to be enough for you.
You just don't want to
do anything fun.
I like fun!
Yeah?
I can do fun!
Yeah?
You want fun? OK!
Yeah!
Bernard, I haven't come
to talk to you, I just forgot...
Oh no, Bernard.
What now? Check it out.
No.
It's fun!
Oh, no, Bernard, no.
I'm fun now.
No, no. No.
Look! Mouths!
Hello, Fran. How are you?
Cocktail sausage?
Come on! Let's have a party!
Do you know what we'll do?
We'll go and see a good old rock gig.
It's a long time since I've been.
Hey, why don't we go and see
The Skids? Oh no.
Do you like pina colada?
Bernard.
And walking in the rain?
Bernard!
I am into champagne.
Oh, Bernard, stop, you're just...
(Cries)
Oh, Fran, come on, that's enough,
that's enough!
Come on!
You drove him away!
Stop blaming me, will you?
Just let me in, Fran, let me in!
Don't lock me out! Let me in!
What are you talking about?
I'm being...upset, you know?
You tortured him.
You were the one that
wouldn't let him eat Frosties.
They made too much noise!
If he'd waited for one minute
to let the milk sink in, but no!
And you kept on and on
about his beard!
I kept finding it everywhere!
And, and, and you said he had
a funny smell!
He did! He did!
He had a living beetroot smell!
Well, who do I have to talk to now?
You've got me! Remember me?
I was here way before him!
You don't talk!
You just sit there and scowl
and you smoke
and you make hurtful remarks
about people.
You used to love my hurtful remarks
about people!
You just sit there, and you
snipe and sneer and you moan!
You carp and you complain,
you damn and blast,
and you burn
and bludgeon everything,
until there's nothing left
except ashes and bones!
You always say that!
You never wanted him here
in the first place.
Oh, now he's gone, now you're happy.
Oh, that's fine.
As long as you're happy.
As long as you're happy,
everything's fine.
Fran!
Bernard.
I don't think I want to see you
for awhile.
Forgot my bag.
Without him it's just a yo!
You're a slave!
Slave in 'Ben Hur', movie.
That's good, good.
Try a maid, a very feminine maid.
French maid in...
black and white film, huh?
That's good, good.
More feminine, more feminine.
Come on, come on, Manny,
give me more!
More maid! Come on!
That's good. Now turn around.
Oh, yeah, uh...
Something's not quite right.
It's a bit too merchant ivory.
Uh...what can we do, what can we do,
what can we do?
Yeah, I know. Um...undo the buttons
on your shirt there.
What?
Yeah, the buttons. Take them down.
Er, uh...no, nah,
I don't think...I don't think so.
Oh, come on. Don't be shy, come on.
No, I'd...I'd rather not.
OK. Maybe you're not as professional
as I thought you were, but...
No, I mean...um...
Uh-huh.
That's good, that's good,
that's good.
One more? One more? Yes.
Yep.
Like this?
That's it, that's it!
Heh heh, that's good! Good, come on!
Yes, yes, yeah!
Manny, I tell you,
you stick with me,
and I'm going to make you a star,
you know?
The hairiest star
in the whole Milky Way!
'GOLD' BY CHRISTOPHE PLAYS
(Laughs manically)
Cheque, please.
What's going on?
Who's this?
He's no-one. He's Morris.
Morris, wait outside.
Manny, I want to introduce you
to some very, very good friends
of mine.
This is Mr Akira...
(Speaks Japanese)
..Mr Kenzo, Mr Kahai.
(Speaks Japanese)
Uh, Manny,
I got some work to do tonight,
so why don't you go out and have a
few drinks with Mr Akira over there.
Drinks? But, I mean, who is he?
Oh, he's a very nice man, friendly.
You go out, you have a few drinks,
smile, laugh at his jokes.
Then maybe you go to casino,
do some gambling.
Oh, most important thing,
to bring him luck,
let him touch your beard
before he throw the dice.
Why does he want me to go?
Because he see your picture.
He see your picture, he go crazy.
"Him! Him! I want him!"
He said that.
What do you mean he saw my picture?
Where did he see my picture?
Oh, in a magazine.
I told you this before.
What magazine? What?! What's...?!
I never posed for this! What's this?!
You never told me about this!
I told you when you were out!
No, you didn't!
Are you arguing with me?
You think these clothes are cheap?
This food?
This is how you appreciate me?!
I grew you like a flower,
and now you must bloom!
(Speaks Japanese)
(Yells in Japanese)
Look, there is no way I'm going
to the casino with this man.
Oh, come on, it's nothing!
Just a bit of gambling,
a few drinks,
then you have to make sure he gets
back to his hotel room safely.
(Snorts)
What? I? There is no way
I'm going to the casino, alright?!
Now, look, you have given me
everything that money can buy, yes.
I've slept on satin sheets,
I've eaten
crinkle cut chips from a silver bowl.
I've been driven all over town
in mini-cabs.
But there's some things
that money can't buy!
Like the love I've found in
a little bookshop off Russell Square.
Yes, love.
You know, not -
well, not 'love' so much,
more...more freedom, you know.
Well, not really, not really freedom.
More kind of a largeness of heart.
Well, not really largeness of heart,
or freedom, or love.
But I was never contractually obliged
to sleep with foreign businessmen,
alright?
And that is not nothing,
that is something.
And that is something that no amount
of spaghetti bolognaise
and little drinks with umbrellas in
can buy.
So there's no way
I'm going to the casino.
No way, never!
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
No. No, not late, not at all.
Uh, shall I get on with the...?
No, you don't have to, no.
I don't mind.
No, it's entirely up to you,
I mean, you can...
(Both mumble agreeably)
I don't mind.
You don't have to, whatever you...
Morning, Bernard.
Morning, Manny.
Morning.
Good morning.
(Gasps) Oh my God!
What?
(Laughs) God!
What is it?
Mickey Rourke had another facelift.
He looks like his trousers!
God, look at him!
Manny, can I borrow your corkscrew,
please?
Closed Captions by CSI
*