Black Books (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grapes of Wrath - full transcript
After Manny calls a cleaner to the shop, he and Bernard must vacate it. Luckily they are asked to house sit for a friend. Meanwhile Fran goes on an ill-fated date.
Abbey! Abbey!
Abbey!
Abbey, Abbey!
Oui.
THEME MUSIC
I don't want this, Freddie.
It's a gift.
You can bribe me any way you like,
I'm not house-sitting for you.
Put it on your neck,
it gives you a shiatsu massage.
Look, look...
See? Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, that's, oh, already, you see?
I can feel that,
and that goes right the way down...
CRACK!
I think I may
have got a nerve there.
Oh, so that's what it's for?
I can't feel my thighs.
If you do change your mind...
I won't. 'Bye! 'Bye!
Corkscrew. Corkscrew.
Manny? Manny!
RUSTLE!
SQUEAK!
Aaah!
Aaagh!
Manny, Manny, Manny, Man...
Will you stop shouting at me?
I'm sorry.
Where's the cork - your hair looks
amazing - where's the corkscrew?
I don't know.
I don't know where anything is.
Have you been back there recently?
It's like Dresden.
This place isn't that bad.
It is "that bad".
For one thing,
didn't you have a cat?
Oh, yeah! Where did he go?
I found him.
Nipsy? Brilliant...
No, no. You don't want to see him.
Ow, ow!
What's up with you?
Oh, God, it's brought on my cramp.
I get terrible cramp
when I'm stressed.
Well, don't be stressed.
Why are you stressed?
'Cause I opened the fridge door
and there's shin bandages
next to the cheese.
That's just a little...
There's jam in the bath!
Oh, come on!
You are a filth wizard.
Friend only to the pig and the rat.
Ugh. Look.
Pizza.
I was gonna warm it and eat it later.
Everybody does that, that's normal.
You are looking for things
to complain about.
And what are these?
Wasps.
Everything's covered in filth. Look.
The whole place is a complete mess,
you can't find anything.
Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg
with a comb from a shoe!
I'm sorry, but I really must insist
you send someone immediately.
Alright, later today.
Alright, tomorrow, then.
But first thing tomorrow.
Alright, after lunch.
But just after lunch.
Six o'clock, perfect.
La-la-la-la-la.
You are wearing a dress.
W-what do you think?
Occasion?
I've got a date.
Ben. Divorcee, very good-looking.
(Under breath) Nice arse!
Which is a first for me.
Never had a nice one?
No.
And I know they exist
'cause I've seen them on the telly.
You had one?
There was one woman - Janine -
and I don't know if it was nice,
but it was...huge.
So there was this tremendous
sense of value.
But to be honest, if he had
three arses I wouldn't care.
I've read this sentence 25 times.
No, but this guy's special.
He's not like the others.
He's not another Kurt.
The violinist? He seemed alright.
No, he was very gum-diseasey.
Or Raymond, do you remember Raymond?
What was his thing?
Didn't he live with his mother?
Yeah...in a car.
Tactics?
Oh, no, I'm gonna be really good.
I'm not gonna say anything stupid,
I'm not gonna be nervous.
I'm gonna be nice
and responsive and caring.
Yes. On no account
must he see the real you.
No, no.
Fran?
Yeah?
It's a very nice dress.
(Fake carefree laugh)
What's that?
It's my new laugh with a turn.
The turn's alright, lose the laugh.
DOOR SHUTS
Dirty.
Aaagh!
Who are you?!
Who am I?
I'll tell you who I am.
I'm the cleaner.
Second degree unspecified soiling,
zones B through K.
North ceiling corner -
Cobweb containing a number
of deceased arachnids,
with beans.
Why did you call this man
into MY house?
I love toffee. I don't know why
I don't eat toffee all the time.
CRACK!
Ow!
Ow, my tooth! Ow! Ow.
I'm asking you a question!
Why did you get this freak
into my house?
I had to, you made me.
Well, I don't trust him!
He has no nasal hair!
Why do we need him?
The place isn't that bad.
This is going to take some time.
Everything's very...DIRTY.
You have grime under the taps.
That's very nasty.
The state of the bathroom
is shameful.
And the dust. Oh, the dust.
The place isn't that dusty!
The worst thing is the cups.
Yes, you have very,
very dusty...CUPS.
I want to clean your dusty cups
from the inside out.
OK, I'm just gonna go
and sit over here, OK?
Anything else about cleaning,
you can ask Manny.
Very well.
Do you have anywhere to stay
so that I can get to work?
We have to leave the house?
Oh, this is a big job.
You can stay if you want to,
it's just that some people
prefer to leave.
Well, Freddie asked us to house-sit.
(Grits teeth)
We're not going anywhere,
we're not house-sitting for Freddie.
What are you doing?
Some ash trail, I'm just wiping it
into my trousers.
Filthy.
Whatever am I going to do with you?
I must say, it's terribly sweet
of both of you.
It's marvellous to have somebody
look after the place.
No, no.
SMASH!
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, we may have been
drinking before.
No, no, I'm sorry.
It was clearly a very silly place
to put it.
We have another one, although I
would ask you to be careful of that,
because it is the only one
left in the world...now.
Um, heating.
Ah, I see you're an aficionado
of paintings.
Oh, yes, yes.
It's a cow...
Yes. You like art?
Oh, yes, yes. Especially late...art.
Yes...the way
he's captured the look,
the cow's looking over there,
we can't see what the cow's seeing.
You know, maybe the artist's saying
cows know something...we don't.
Mmm. It's French, apparently.
From the Dutch school.
Yes, brown.
I don't know what his name is.
Oh.
The timer, thermostat thingy,
control.
I'll show both of you,
it's in the cellar. Follow me.
OK.
Manny, I have to go and wee-wee.
Alright.
Now, this is very important.
BACKGROUND CHATTER
(Mumbles with mouthful)
(Fake-sounding laugh)
That's an unusual laugh.
Is it?
Sorry.
What's wrong with your wine?
Nothing at all.
I just drink slowly.
I get undressed slowly.
(Mouths words)
Well, I think I can manage that.
(Chuckles) Yes.
That's on, that's off.
No, no. That's on, THAT'S off.
Oh, and, ah...
..please feel free
to enjoy the wine,
but this is very important.
Um, anything here is fine, you can
drink as many bottles as you want.
But these 10 here -
now, please, don't touch them.
Don't even move them,
these are very special.
Right.
I'm presenting one of these
to the Pope at the end of the month.
Really? Wow. What for?
Oh, I have cousin
who's a cardinal - Royme -
and...these trumped-up charges,
some nonsense about him punching
Sophia Loren in a nightclub.
And the Pope - who really is
a lovely, lovely man,
he made the whole thing go away.
And there's some books on wine
upstairs as well.
Which is good, because sometimes
it's jolly to know
what one's drinking.
Ah, Bernard. Manny will fill you in.
I must just go and say goodbye
to the dogs.
Right, what's the thing?
Very simple.
Yes.
Very simple, very simple.
OK, so what is it? What, what?
We can only drink
these 10 bottles here.
Just these?
Yeah.
These, completely out of bounds.
Can't even touch these.
Just these ones then?
These are the only ones,
just these ones.
OK, got it. Thank God you were here.
'Cause I would have thought
it was the other way around.
Old wine is good wine.
Yes. But expensive wine
is good wine also.
Yes, but the older the wine is,
the gooder it is.
Ah, but by the same token,
the more expensive the wine,
then the gooder it is also.
Look at the colours.
Yeah.
All...all colours.
Yeah.
Well, yellow.
This is like a farmyard of...
of wine.
It's like looking into the eye
of a duck.
And sucking all the fluid
from its beak.
Touche.
And because you win,
you get to go to the cellar.
Yay!
The music's a bit boring, isn't it?
I wonder if they'd let me
put my tape on.
I've got all my favourite songs
on here.
I'm a giant ear,
waiting for your songs of niceness.
Will you just look
at these...breasts...
Wait until you hear this.
LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
(Sings) # Down here. Ah! #
Wine! Ha-ha-ha.
No, no, no!
(Squeaky voice) Drink me,
drink me, drink me, drink me!
(Normal) Boys, boys, boys! You.
"Le Vin du Rosier".
Yeah, that'll do.
Got one!
Ah-ha! More fuel.
Hand over, thank you.
Mind your leg.
DRILLING NOISE, CORK POPS
(Both laugh)
That was a crazy, crazy time for me.
Uh, short spell in the navy...
Ooh, climb aboard cap-captain...
And now I'm in antiques!
Unbelievable.
Wow, quite the renaissance man.
It was around about then
my divorce came through,
and I've never been able to settle
on any one woman since.
It's like I'm...oh, I don't know,
cruising.
'I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ME'
BY CHARLENE PLAYS
Ooh, ooh!
(Sings) # And California
# And I've sipped champagne
from a shoe... #
SONG CONTINUES
(Hums tune)
MACHINE WHIRRS
(Chuckles)
(Laughs) Look, Bernard.
Bernard, look.
Bernard? Bernard?
Look, Bernard.
Bernard, Bernard.
Look, Bernard, Bernard.
Bernard? Bernard, look.
Bernard? Bernard? Bernard?
Bernard, look, look.
Look, Bernard.
Bernard? Bernard, look.
Look, Bernard.
Bernard, BERNARD!
WHAT?!
Look, I'm a prostitute robot
from the future!
Yes. Listen to the rubbish
in this book.
"Don't drink burgundy in a boat."
What does that mean?
Wine is just for enjoyment.
Yeah, you speak the truth,
my friend.
I mean, look at this. I looked this
up, and it says it's worth £7,000!
(Scoffs) Nonsense!
That's the normal, everyday,
normal, everyday drinking wine
Freddie gave us,
not the really expensive
out-of-bounds stuff.
That's from the cheap and dusty wine
on the right.
Not the clean, expensive wine
on the left.
Not the, not the,
that's the cheap and dusty.
Not the clean, expensive...
Now that I think of it, there's
stickers from Londis on the bottles,
and...there isn't any chance,
Manny, is there
that you somehow manage to direct us
to drink not the cheap wine,
but the unbelievably rare
and expensive wine, is there?
(Inhales deeply)
HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY THE WINE COST?!
Seven...(inhales)..thousand pounds.
Well, I've got £3.50 on me,
what have you got?
Don't panic!
Is that what you're doing?
Yes, I'm sort of dancing
in a panicky way.
Well stop! We should think about
this clearly, and figure a way out.
Now, here's a thought!
Don't say no immediately, 'cause
this could sound a little crazy.
Could we burn down the house?
No, that's absurd.
Think, Bernard, think!
What about a gift?
Oh, that's a much better idea.
But it'd have to be perfect.
Yes.
Uh...what about a really nice
box of pencils?
No.
I mean, a REALLY nice box, you know?
No! I think, you know,
if you're gonna give the guy pencils
for drinking his wine,
you're talking about, you know,
magic pencils.
You draw a cow, the cow
comes to life! Those kind of pencils.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry, yeah.
We make some more!
What?
We'll use some of the cheap stuff,
nobody will ever know the difference!
But this cost £7,000!
He's gonna present this to the Pope!
He won't know the difference!
But he's the Pope!
He's used to the finer things.
It's all waffle!
Nobody is prepared to admit that wine
actually doesn't have a taste.
But you can't taste anything!
You smoke eight bajillion
cigarettes a day!
What's that?
What?
What are you eating?
It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
It's a coaster.
Is it? Are there any more?
Anyway, do they describe the wine
in here?
Well, yes, I think so.
Ow! Oh!
What?!
Oh, cramp.
I'm very stressed at the moment,
very, very stressed.
Use the shiatsu machine.
Right.
MACHINE SWITCHES ON
Oh, yeah.
Ow! Oh! Aaagh!
Oh! Ow! Oh! Aaagh!
Oh!
So, Ben, who's the REAL Ben, Ben?
What can I tell you? Didn't
have such a good time at school.
Didn't feel comfortable?
Mmm, so I sort of...
Retreated.
Into a private fantasy world?
Yeah.
But I always...
Got on very well with women?
And...
They helped you feel less different.
But...
But something was still wrong.
Something indefinable,
something that occasionally
stops you sleeping.
How could you possibly
know all this?
Just a hunch...
Tell me, Ben...
..how many times a day
do you talk to your mother?
Hey? God, I don't know.
I mean, the normal amount.
4-5 times a day.
Yeeees...
Ben...I've got something
to tell you.
And it might come
as a bit of a shock, but...
..YOU are...
Question - what do
the following people have in common?
Elton John, Ian McKellen,
Jean Paul Gaultier.
Well, they're all fabulous.
THUNDER RUMBLES
What are you doing,
what are you doing?
I'm chewing the cork to get it
back in the bottle.
CRACK!
Ow! Oh!
What?
My tooth! It's come loose!
It hurts!
"A trace of vanilla."
Do we have any vanilla?
Ice cream?
Yes, yes!
I'll check the freezer.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
(Giggles maniacally)
They'd all laugh at me if they knew
what I was trying to do.
To create a new strain of super-wine
in half an hour
with a fraction of nature's resources
and a FOOL for an assistant!
"Bernard Black, he's mad,"
they'd say, "He's insane.
"He's dangerous."
Well, I'll show them!
I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!
(Mumbles) I have returned!
Nutmeg! We need nutmeg!
Nutmeg!
It's my destiny,
my legacy to the world!
Is there anything else
that you need?
It's just with the limp and
everything, I'm getting a bit tired.
JUST GET THE NUTMEG!
Nutmeg!
Oh, it's just here.
Ah.
"An oak-y finish." Oak, oak!
TO THE FRONT GARDEN!
THUNDER CRASHES
What is this? This isn't oak!
Why did you get so much?
You fool! (Yells incomprehensively)
(Moans pitifully)
BACK IN, BACK IN! GET BACK IN!
NOW LIVE! LIVE!
Dust, dust.
(Desperately) He'll never know,
he'll never know!
It's all so clear.
I suppose I've been fighting this
all my life, but why am I fighting?
Oh, thank you, Fran.
You've saved my life,
you have saved my life!
(Mumbles) I'm really very,
very happy for you.
I'm happy, I'm happy for you.
I'm so happy...
(Hums) Jam, jam , jam.
Jam, jam, jam.
(Hums)
Blurgh!
Erk!
Sorry. Oh, hello!
That is a very, very nice dress.
Paper?
Another date?
Yep!
I think this time
I might be onto something.
He's a very interesting young man.
You know him, actually.
Really?
Who?
'Bye, Bernard.
Dirty.
Ooh, flirt.
Dirty.
DOOR CLOSES
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, my God!
What? What?
It's the 19th. It's my birthday.
THEME MUSIC
Closed Captions by
Captioning and Subtitling
International
Abbey!
Abbey, Abbey!
Oui.
THEME MUSIC
I don't want this, Freddie.
It's a gift.
You can bribe me any way you like,
I'm not house-sitting for you.
Put it on your neck,
it gives you a shiatsu massage.
Look, look...
See? Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, that's, oh, already, you see?
I can feel that,
and that goes right the way down...
CRACK!
I think I may
have got a nerve there.
Oh, so that's what it's for?
I can't feel my thighs.
If you do change your mind...
I won't. 'Bye! 'Bye!
Corkscrew. Corkscrew.
Manny? Manny!
RUSTLE!
SQUEAK!
Aaah!
Aaagh!
Manny, Manny, Manny, Man...
Will you stop shouting at me?
I'm sorry.
Where's the cork - your hair looks
amazing - where's the corkscrew?
I don't know.
I don't know where anything is.
Have you been back there recently?
It's like Dresden.
This place isn't that bad.
It is "that bad".
For one thing,
didn't you have a cat?
Oh, yeah! Where did he go?
I found him.
Nipsy? Brilliant...
No, no. You don't want to see him.
Ow, ow!
What's up with you?
Oh, God, it's brought on my cramp.
I get terrible cramp
when I'm stressed.
Well, don't be stressed.
Why are you stressed?
'Cause I opened the fridge door
and there's shin bandages
next to the cheese.
That's just a little...
There's jam in the bath!
Oh, come on!
You are a filth wizard.
Friend only to the pig and the rat.
Ugh. Look.
Pizza.
I was gonna warm it and eat it later.
Everybody does that, that's normal.
You are looking for things
to complain about.
And what are these?
Wasps.
Everything's covered in filth. Look.
The whole place is a complete mess,
you can't find anything.
Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg
with a comb from a shoe!
I'm sorry, but I really must insist
you send someone immediately.
Alright, later today.
Alright, tomorrow, then.
But first thing tomorrow.
Alright, after lunch.
But just after lunch.
Six o'clock, perfect.
La-la-la-la-la.
You are wearing a dress.
W-what do you think?
Occasion?
I've got a date.
Ben. Divorcee, very good-looking.
(Under breath) Nice arse!
Which is a first for me.
Never had a nice one?
No.
And I know they exist
'cause I've seen them on the telly.
You had one?
There was one woman - Janine -
and I don't know if it was nice,
but it was...huge.
So there was this tremendous
sense of value.
But to be honest, if he had
three arses I wouldn't care.
I've read this sentence 25 times.
No, but this guy's special.
He's not like the others.
He's not another Kurt.
The violinist? He seemed alright.
No, he was very gum-diseasey.
Or Raymond, do you remember Raymond?
What was his thing?
Didn't he live with his mother?
Yeah...in a car.
Tactics?
Oh, no, I'm gonna be really good.
I'm not gonna say anything stupid,
I'm not gonna be nervous.
I'm gonna be nice
and responsive and caring.
Yes. On no account
must he see the real you.
No, no.
Fran?
Yeah?
It's a very nice dress.
(Fake carefree laugh)
What's that?
It's my new laugh with a turn.
The turn's alright, lose the laugh.
DOOR SHUTS
Dirty.
Aaagh!
Who are you?!
Who am I?
I'll tell you who I am.
I'm the cleaner.
Second degree unspecified soiling,
zones B through K.
North ceiling corner -
Cobweb containing a number
of deceased arachnids,
with beans.
Why did you call this man
into MY house?
I love toffee. I don't know why
I don't eat toffee all the time.
CRACK!
Ow!
Ow, my tooth! Ow! Ow.
I'm asking you a question!
Why did you get this freak
into my house?
I had to, you made me.
Well, I don't trust him!
He has no nasal hair!
Why do we need him?
The place isn't that bad.
This is going to take some time.
Everything's very...DIRTY.
You have grime under the taps.
That's very nasty.
The state of the bathroom
is shameful.
And the dust. Oh, the dust.
The place isn't that dusty!
The worst thing is the cups.
Yes, you have very,
very dusty...CUPS.
I want to clean your dusty cups
from the inside out.
OK, I'm just gonna go
and sit over here, OK?
Anything else about cleaning,
you can ask Manny.
Very well.
Do you have anywhere to stay
so that I can get to work?
We have to leave the house?
Oh, this is a big job.
You can stay if you want to,
it's just that some people
prefer to leave.
Well, Freddie asked us to house-sit.
(Grits teeth)
We're not going anywhere,
we're not house-sitting for Freddie.
What are you doing?
Some ash trail, I'm just wiping it
into my trousers.
Filthy.
Whatever am I going to do with you?
I must say, it's terribly sweet
of both of you.
It's marvellous to have somebody
look after the place.
No, no.
SMASH!
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, we may have been
drinking before.
No, no, I'm sorry.
It was clearly a very silly place
to put it.
We have another one, although I
would ask you to be careful of that,
because it is the only one
left in the world...now.
Um, heating.
Ah, I see you're an aficionado
of paintings.
Oh, yes, yes.
It's a cow...
Yes. You like art?
Oh, yes, yes. Especially late...art.
Yes...the way
he's captured the look,
the cow's looking over there,
we can't see what the cow's seeing.
You know, maybe the artist's saying
cows know something...we don't.
Mmm. It's French, apparently.
From the Dutch school.
Yes, brown.
I don't know what his name is.
Oh.
The timer, thermostat thingy,
control.
I'll show both of you,
it's in the cellar. Follow me.
OK.
Manny, I have to go and wee-wee.
Alright.
Now, this is very important.
BACKGROUND CHATTER
(Mumbles with mouthful)
(Fake-sounding laugh)
That's an unusual laugh.
Is it?
Sorry.
What's wrong with your wine?
Nothing at all.
I just drink slowly.
I get undressed slowly.
(Mouths words)
Well, I think I can manage that.
(Chuckles) Yes.
That's on, that's off.
No, no. That's on, THAT'S off.
Oh, and, ah...
..please feel free
to enjoy the wine,
but this is very important.
Um, anything here is fine, you can
drink as many bottles as you want.
But these 10 here -
now, please, don't touch them.
Don't even move them,
these are very special.
Right.
I'm presenting one of these
to the Pope at the end of the month.
Really? Wow. What for?
Oh, I have cousin
who's a cardinal - Royme -
and...these trumped-up charges,
some nonsense about him punching
Sophia Loren in a nightclub.
And the Pope - who really is
a lovely, lovely man,
he made the whole thing go away.
And there's some books on wine
upstairs as well.
Which is good, because sometimes
it's jolly to know
what one's drinking.
Ah, Bernard. Manny will fill you in.
I must just go and say goodbye
to the dogs.
Right, what's the thing?
Very simple.
Yes.
Very simple, very simple.
OK, so what is it? What, what?
We can only drink
these 10 bottles here.
Just these?
Yeah.
These, completely out of bounds.
Can't even touch these.
Just these ones then?
These are the only ones,
just these ones.
OK, got it. Thank God you were here.
'Cause I would have thought
it was the other way around.
Old wine is good wine.
Yes. But expensive wine
is good wine also.
Yes, but the older the wine is,
the gooder it is.
Ah, but by the same token,
the more expensive the wine,
then the gooder it is also.
Look at the colours.
Yeah.
All...all colours.
Yeah.
Well, yellow.
This is like a farmyard of...
of wine.
It's like looking into the eye
of a duck.
And sucking all the fluid
from its beak.
Touche.
And because you win,
you get to go to the cellar.
Yay!
The music's a bit boring, isn't it?
I wonder if they'd let me
put my tape on.
I've got all my favourite songs
on here.
I'm a giant ear,
waiting for your songs of niceness.
Will you just look
at these...breasts...
Wait until you hear this.
LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
(Sings) # Down here. Ah! #
Wine! Ha-ha-ha.
No, no, no!
(Squeaky voice) Drink me,
drink me, drink me, drink me!
(Normal) Boys, boys, boys! You.
"Le Vin du Rosier".
Yeah, that'll do.
Got one!
Ah-ha! More fuel.
Hand over, thank you.
Mind your leg.
DRILLING NOISE, CORK POPS
(Both laugh)
That was a crazy, crazy time for me.
Uh, short spell in the navy...
Ooh, climb aboard cap-captain...
And now I'm in antiques!
Unbelievable.
Wow, quite the renaissance man.
It was around about then
my divorce came through,
and I've never been able to settle
on any one woman since.
It's like I'm...oh, I don't know,
cruising.
'I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ME'
BY CHARLENE PLAYS
Ooh, ooh!
(Sings) # And California
# And I've sipped champagne
from a shoe... #
SONG CONTINUES
(Hums tune)
MACHINE WHIRRS
(Chuckles)
(Laughs) Look, Bernard.
Bernard, look.
Bernard? Bernard?
Look, Bernard.
Bernard, Bernard.
Look, Bernard, Bernard.
Bernard? Bernard, look.
Bernard? Bernard? Bernard?
Bernard, look, look.
Look, Bernard.
Bernard? Bernard, look.
Look, Bernard.
Bernard, BERNARD!
WHAT?!
Look, I'm a prostitute robot
from the future!
Yes. Listen to the rubbish
in this book.
"Don't drink burgundy in a boat."
What does that mean?
Wine is just for enjoyment.
Yeah, you speak the truth,
my friend.
I mean, look at this. I looked this
up, and it says it's worth £7,000!
(Scoffs) Nonsense!
That's the normal, everyday,
normal, everyday drinking wine
Freddie gave us,
not the really expensive
out-of-bounds stuff.
That's from the cheap and dusty wine
on the right.
Not the clean, expensive wine
on the left.
Not the, not the,
that's the cheap and dusty.
Not the clean, expensive...
Now that I think of it, there's
stickers from Londis on the bottles,
and...there isn't any chance,
Manny, is there
that you somehow manage to direct us
to drink not the cheap wine,
but the unbelievably rare
and expensive wine, is there?
(Inhales deeply)
HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY THE WINE COST?!
Seven...(inhales)..thousand pounds.
Well, I've got £3.50 on me,
what have you got?
Don't panic!
Is that what you're doing?
Yes, I'm sort of dancing
in a panicky way.
Well stop! We should think about
this clearly, and figure a way out.
Now, here's a thought!
Don't say no immediately, 'cause
this could sound a little crazy.
Could we burn down the house?
No, that's absurd.
Think, Bernard, think!
What about a gift?
Oh, that's a much better idea.
But it'd have to be perfect.
Yes.
Uh...what about a really nice
box of pencils?
No.
I mean, a REALLY nice box, you know?
No! I think, you know,
if you're gonna give the guy pencils
for drinking his wine,
you're talking about, you know,
magic pencils.
You draw a cow, the cow
comes to life! Those kind of pencils.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry, yeah.
We make some more!
What?
We'll use some of the cheap stuff,
nobody will ever know the difference!
But this cost £7,000!
He's gonna present this to the Pope!
He won't know the difference!
But he's the Pope!
He's used to the finer things.
It's all waffle!
Nobody is prepared to admit that wine
actually doesn't have a taste.
But you can't taste anything!
You smoke eight bajillion
cigarettes a day!
What's that?
What?
What are you eating?
It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
It's a coaster.
Is it? Are there any more?
Anyway, do they describe the wine
in here?
Well, yes, I think so.
Ow! Oh!
What?!
Oh, cramp.
I'm very stressed at the moment,
very, very stressed.
Use the shiatsu machine.
Right.
MACHINE SWITCHES ON
Oh, yeah.
Ow! Oh! Aaagh!
Oh! Ow! Oh! Aaagh!
Oh!
So, Ben, who's the REAL Ben, Ben?
What can I tell you? Didn't
have such a good time at school.
Didn't feel comfortable?
Mmm, so I sort of...
Retreated.
Into a private fantasy world?
Yeah.
But I always...
Got on very well with women?
And...
They helped you feel less different.
But...
But something was still wrong.
Something indefinable,
something that occasionally
stops you sleeping.
How could you possibly
know all this?
Just a hunch...
Tell me, Ben...
..how many times a day
do you talk to your mother?
Hey? God, I don't know.
I mean, the normal amount.
4-5 times a day.
Yeeees...
Ben...I've got something
to tell you.
And it might come
as a bit of a shock, but...
..YOU are...
Question - what do
the following people have in common?
Elton John, Ian McKellen,
Jean Paul Gaultier.
Well, they're all fabulous.
THUNDER RUMBLES
What are you doing,
what are you doing?
I'm chewing the cork to get it
back in the bottle.
CRACK!
Ow! Oh!
What?
My tooth! It's come loose!
It hurts!
"A trace of vanilla."
Do we have any vanilla?
Ice cream?
Yes, yes!
I'll check the freezer.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
(Giggles maniacally)
They'd all laugh at me if they knew
what I was trying to do.
To create a new strain of super-wine
in half an hour
with a fraction of nature's resources
and a FOOL for an assistant!
"Bernard Black, he's mad,"
they'd say, "He's insane.
"He's dangerous."
Well, I'll show them!
I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!
(Mumbles) I have returned!
Nutmeg! We need nutmeg!
Nutmeg!
It's my destiny,
my legacy to the world!
Is there anything else
that you need?
It's just with the limp and
everything, I'm getting a bit tired.
JUST GET THE NUTMEG!
Nutmeg!
Oh, it's just here.
Ah.
"An oak-y finish." Oak, oak!
TO THE FRONT GARDEN!
THUNDER CRASHES
What is this? This isn't oak!
Why did you get so much?
You fool! (Yells incomprehensively)
(Moans pitifully)
BACK IN, BACK IN! GET BACK IN!
NOW LIVE! LIVE!
Dust, dust.
(Desperately) He'll never know,
he'll never know!
It's all so clear.
I suppose I've been fighting this
all my life, but why am I fighting?
Oh, thank you, Fran.
You've saved my life,
you have saved my life!
(Mumbles) I'm really very,
very happy for you.
I'm happy, I'm happy for you.
I'm so happy...
(Hums) Jam, jam , jam.
Jam, jam, jam.
(Hums)
Blurgh!
Erk!
Sorry. Oh, hello!
That is a very, very nice dress.
Paper?
Another date?
Yep!
I think this time
I might be onto something.
He's a very interesting young man.
You know him, actually.
Really?
Who?
'Bye, Bernard.
Dirty.
Ooh, flirt.
Dirty.
DOOR CLOSES
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, my God!
What? What?
It's the 19th. It's my birthday.
THEME MUSIC
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