Black Books (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Blackout - full transcript

THEME MUSIC
(Distantly) Fran! Fran!
Fran!
Bernard, Bernard!
There you are.
Right, wait till you hear this!
No, me first!
Seriously, I can't
hold onto this one, I can't!
My story goes first.
No, MY story first!
I'm not backing down.
Well, neither am I.
Well, you know what that means.
Count to three?
1, 2, 3.
Aaaaagh!
Say peanuts.
Peanuts.
OK.
I want Manny in on this. Manny!
No, he's no good to anybody.
He stayed up all night
with his birthday present.
The complete set of 'The Sweeney'
and an espresso machine.
PHONE RINGS
(Cockney accent) 'Ello? Wot?
Do me a favour!
It's a flamin' book shop!
Of course we've got Jane Austen!
DOOR OPENS
Right...
OK, my story.
Alright.
Imagine, yeah?
Imagine you're a woman.
OK.
And now imagine...
Wait, I'm still...
OK...
And now imagine
you have a boyfriend.
(Giggles girlishly)
OK, and now imagine
you see that boyfriend
with another woman...
(Whimpers)
OK, my story!
This is Peter we're talking about.
Peter wouldn't do that to me. To you.
He is scum. This morning,
I was getting into my car...
DRAMATIC MUSIC STING
I just feel so...
Awww.
Now, my story.
You know Gerald and Sarah?
Gerald, uh, your friend...
Friend? When I first came to London,
he put me up.
He lent me money,
he helped me find a job,
he helped me find this place - I was
an incredibly good friend to him.
And even though, even though
I fancied his girlfriend,
I did not make a pass at her.
Well, once. Twice. A few times.
But not after I realised
just how angry it made him.
Well, once, but only because...
Get on with the story.
OK, well, they invited me
to a dinner party.
And I went, had a good time,
woke up with a bit of a hangover.
Aaaagh!
A...a big hangover.
Alright, so I went to the chemist
to get some Fizzygood.
Some what?
You know, Fizzygood.
Fizzygood make feel nice.
Oh, Alka-Seltzer.
Yeah.
BOTTLE POPS OPEN
(Reads) 'Soluble'.
Mmmph! Unh!
It's a good feeling, that.
A good feeling, this.
(Mumbles) Gerald, Sarah!
Thanks for the dinner party!
Completely blank.
Well, maybe they didn't see you.
Could something
have distracted them?
Like what?
Gunfire, was somebody firing a gun?
Uh, let's see...
Was someone firing a gun?
Was someone firing...
No, I don't think so.
Manny, you look like
you could use some sleep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In a little bit, in a little bit.
Look, the thing is, right,
this bloke behind me,
behind me, DON'T LOOK!
I reckon he's got a shooter.
(Stage whisper) He's 100 years old!
You're just wired
from all-night coffee and cops.
And so what? So they blanked you.
So what? So what?
They blanked me, that's
like an awesomely powerful thing
to do in civilised society.
It's like, it's like when the Mafia
send each other fish
through the post...
You must have done something awful.
Something really awful? Do you think?
Oh, you didn't do that thing,
your "Belly Savalas" thing?
No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.
So, Bernard, being blanked
really made you feel that bad, huh?
Yeah, terrible.
(Thinks) Hmmm...
Manny, get some sleep.
Something really awful...
DOOR CLOSES
God, what did I do? What did I do?
Think, think!
SLAM!
GET DOWN!
Thank you. Enjoy it.
It's dreadful, but it's quite short.
Manny, come over here.
You want a case?
I'll give you a case.
Figure out what I did last night.
OK, the dinner party.
SQUASH!
Ow...
What?
Sat on myself.
Alright, let's start
by reconstructing the evening.
Who else was there?
Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.
What's their D-40?
Well, they...what?
What do they do?
Oh, Gerald's a food writer. He had
a big hit with that thing, you know?
'Basic Meals for the Ultra-Rich'.
And Sarah's an interior designer.
She's on that program, you know?
'Pet Surprise'.
'Pet Surprise'? What's that?
Oh, you know the thing,
they take the dog out for a walk,
he thinks it's a normal walk,
but when they come back...
..the kennel has a patio
and French doors, you know?
Yep. Yeah, yeah,
then they take the blindfold off...
Yeah, and he's like "Oh, my God,"
you know.
Yeah, right.
And there were other people there.
You know, the sort of people who talk
about salad for five hours.
(Slurs) And then I won again.
I mean, he was smaller than me
and everything,
he was only 80,
but I still won.
I won again and again
and again and again.
So, how much had you had to drink...
..before you turned up?
Oh, you just assumed
I'd been drinking, you just assumed.
(Repeats insistently) How much?
(Babbles)
How much?
A couple of bottles.
Right. So you were in
a bit of a state.
No, I was fine.
Oh, come on! THINK!
DOORBELL RINGS
(Babbles) Hi...
Is this yours?
Oh, er, yes.
Misunderstanding, not her fault,
she's young. High spirits.
Thanks, officer!
Try and keep it indoors.
You see what you did? You made
the police come to their house.
No...there's more...
Oh, God, Bernard, look at you!
I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.
Exquisite gifts as always.
You're very early, Bernard.
Oh, oh, you remember Jimbo,
don't you?
I'm not sure. What do you do?
No, he's our son.
Oh, thank God!
Ha, I thought you had a disease.
Oh, this is a child!
SARAH: Gerald, can you help me,
please?
Ah, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
C'mere, we'll do the thing.
Ah! Here.
Here.
There we go. Take it. Sssh! Take it.
Now, did you...actually,
Jim, can I have that back?
Sssh.
So, Jim, have I ever told you
about the Old Country?
The songs, Jim,
oh, they'd melt your face.
(Sings) # Oh, I live in a shoe
on Moore Street
# I'm a prostitute from Newry. #
The child's involved somehow.
I bet you he's done something
and pinned it on me.
Huh, it's always the children,
isn't it, Bernard?
Manny, if you have one more
sip of coffee...
WOMAN: Help, help, help!
I got it!
Help! Help!
Police! Stop!
COP SHOW CHASE MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC STARTS
(Inhales)
MUSIC STOPS
Yeah, and all my keys!
My house keys, they were in it!
How am I gonna get into my house
without my keys!
So it was a plain-clothes policeman,
was it?
Yes. Oh, Officer?
Officer?
Bernard?
No questions, OK?
Can you do my shoelace?
No can-do, Neckface.
What happened to you?
What happened to you?
No, no, you first.
No, come on.
Are you the next Bond villain?
You look like you should have
"Dorset 5 miles" written on you.
Come on, you tell. Tell me.
Don't mind this,
it's a very dull story. Come on.
No, no, you first. Come on.
Tell me.
No.
Owww!
Ow! Tell me.
Tell me.
Ah-ah-ahhhh!
No, no, aaah! No!
Aaaagh! OK, OK, OK, OK.
OK.
You remember this morning,
when I was telling you
about seeing Peter with that girl?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, I couldn't get it
out of my head, so I shut the shop,
went down the beauty parlour
and got myself done.
When the next thing,
who walks by the window but Peter.
Then I suddenly remembered
what you said
about the awesome power
of the blank.
And I knew I might not get
a second chance.
So, as usual you dealt with this
in a mature, reasonable...
Shut up.
Anyway...
Fran?
Fran? Fran!
BRAKES SCREECH
THUD!
You were knocked down, that's how...
No.
That's not how I got this.
The way I got this was...
No, it's too embarrassing. Come on,
you next. What happened to you?
Well, I was...
PHONE RINGS
We're closed.
We're closed!
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, hello...Raiders.
You just better watch it,
or I'll be down your manor
with all the other policemen.
And we'll arrest your arse.
Goodbye.
You know, I thought
you might want some coffee.
No, no, I've got to go.
No, no, wait a sec.
We need you.
Look, I've got a favour to ask.
We've got someone in here who is
turning over as quick as we thought.
Could you sit in on the interview?
Hey?
Hey, what's with the face fungus?
Undercover, undercover work, uh...
..gotta blend in
with a heavy metal group
who stole some furniture...
Right.
Bastards.
So, anyway, how about it?
Can you help us out with this?
No, no, I can't, I really can't.
They need me back on the job.
Hang on a minute.
Who's your guvnor? I'll ask him.
Ohh, what the hell?
Good lad. Grab your coffee.
Right.
Come on.
OK, so far we've been
going at him hard.
Now, it might be time
he found that...
(chuckles) sympathetic ear he
was looking for, know what I mean?
So, I'm nasty, you're nice.
OK?
(Mutters)
What?
You're not so bad.
No, no, I mean in the interview.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was making a police joke.
Yeah, right. It's Barry, by the way.
Carter.
Carter? Yeah. Lovely.
Well, I tell you what -
we'll let him
sweat it out
for a few minutes, alright?
Finish your coffee.
It's not bad, is it?
(Makes strange agreeing noises)
Bernard, come ON!
Gaaaah!
CORK POPS
So, what happened?
Alright, after you left, I remembered
something about the dinner party.
I did do Belly Savalas.
(Makes strange mumbling noises)
What's that?
I can't hear you, Belly Savalas.
POP!
Who loves ya, baby?
Ha-ha, what about that, eh?
But I also realised that it wasn't
Belly Savalas that upset them.
It was something else...
Something much, much worse.
Oh, you didn't do 'CoBUMbo',
did you?
No...I didn't have any cigars.
Alright, so you were knocked down?
Even though I wasn't
really badly hurt,
I had to go to hospital for checks,
and Peter insisted
on coming with me.
OK...
And so I was still blanking him
in the ambulance...
How do you blank somebody
in an ambulance?
Come on, Fran, keep your eyes
fixed on mine.
Come on...Fran!
(Determined) Keep your eyes on mine.
Keep your eyes fixed on mine, Fran!
CRACK!
Aaaaagh!
FRAN?! FRAN! Hurry, man! hurry!
Did you ever get to tell him
WHY you were blanking him?
I certainly did.
I spent some time
explaining in VERY clear terms
why he was a scumbag,
and the fancy lady he was with
was a slut.
It was his sister.
Yes.
He was comforting her.
She's lost her job.
Ah. He won't be seeing you again?
He says he wants to see other,
less-mad, women.
Alright, that's me.
Now you, come on.
I want to know how you became
the Little Teapot.
Alright, but I'm not going through it
all again for Manny. Where is he?
Remember - I'm nasty,
you're nice, alright?
Alright.
Noggsy...
..you miss me?
Yeah, I was
just sitting here thinking,
"When's Inspector Norris
coming back?"
Oi! Smart lip doesn't work
with me, Noggsy.
I don't react well to it.
Now, you better start giving me
something solid,
or I'll feed you to the sharks.
Ahem...ahem...
..you have beautiful eyes.
You're going away, Noggsy,
you understand me?
This is the end of the line!
Do you think it'd be really naughty
if I phoned up the Hong Kong Kitchen
and got us all some crispy duck?
Sorry?!
Listen, you better speak up, or else
we'll be talking to your missus!
Ho-ho-ho, how'd you like that,
"family man"?
Hey, when all this is blown over,
let's go and see 'Les Miserables'.
Ever been to the zoo?
It's brilliant.
What's...what's going on?
Come over here...
Listen, I don't know
what the hell you're doing,
but it seems to be working,
he's getting shaky.
I'll let you take over,
offer him a deal.
What sort of deal?
I don't know, you call it.
Uh, well, don't give away much.
He's looking at two years, minimum.
I'll be back in 10.
Huh?!
Ten MINUTES.
Oh.
Eh? Right!
I'm locking the door, Noggsy.
It doesn't open again until you give
my partner something!
DOOR LOCKS
Yeah, that's definitely locked.
I'm not a policeman!
What?
They think I'm a policeman, I'm not!
I've just had too much coffee!
What are you talking about?!
What'll I do?
I want Norris, get Norris back, I'll
talk to him, I ain't talking to you!
Aaaaaagggggh!
POP!
It's a boy!
So come on, back to the story.
I knew I'd done something heinous,
so I thought,
"To hell with it, I'll go and see
Gerald and Sarah."
DOORBELL RINGS
W-what do you want?
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
Oh, well...
Please accept my gifts.
Maybe then we could
clear the decks somehow,
and you could actually tell me
what it was that I actually...
Did.
PHONE RINGS
Aaaagh!
Bernard? Fran?
Well, you did it.
I don't know how you did it,
but you did it.
Well, you know, Barry,
I'm just a cop...
SQUASH!
Just one copper
trying to make a difference.
I fell off me chair to some extent.
You know, Barry,
I've been doing this job for tw...
..twenty min-YEARS,
since I was 15.
And, uh, you know,
it doesn't get any easier.
So that's why I've made
my decision to retire.
That's right, Barry, I'm retiring,
Noggsy was my last case.
I've had 100% success rate,
I'm only getting older and slower.
It's time for this old warhorse
to be put out to pasture.
Well, that's a shame.
I mean, I've been on the job
nearly 20 years, too.
And I can honestly say that you are
the best bloody copper
I have EVER worked with.
It's been a privilege.
OK, fair enough.
Yeah, alright, lovely.
Yeah.
Oh, God...
Anyway, where was I?
You went to Gerald and Sarah's
to ask them what you did.
You mean you don't remember?
Not as such, no.
You don't remember standing up
and asking for about the 100th time
where the toilet was,
drunk out of your skull?
You stood up, you went to the toilet
and you were gone
an awful long time...
Get him out. Get him out.
Get him out!
I will...
Out, get him out, get him out now.
Gerald, can I ask you a question?
What?
You know the thing, the thing that
cleans these things,
the thing cleaner.
Why is that in your bathroom?
(Mouths words)
I'm not Coco Chanel or anything,
but I think that's a bit weird.
Um, Bernard, why don't I call you
a cab?
I don't want a cab,
it's only half-one!
Anyway, listen, listen. Why do you
have a toaster in your bathroom?
We haven't got a toaster
in our bathroom.
Well, you should put a lock on the
door anyway, because I was in there,
I was on the toilet and everything,
little Jimmy comes in,
he's drinking milk from the fridge
and that's all wrong.
It's unhygienic.
And, and, what were you thinking?
What was going through your brain
when you thought,
"Oh, yeah, I'll buy a WICKER toilet"?
(Screams)
I thought I did something bad.
Alright, so I go to the toilet in
your wicker chair, it's a faux pas.
Faux pas?!
Well, I thought I'd drunk
all the booze or something.
You did drink all the booze.
Look at Jimmy.
What? What, what?!
He looks surprised.
All children look surprised.
Everything's new to them.
Have I told you about the way
that he...he, uh...he smokes?
He does not smoke.
Well, he's up to something.
I've never said this before,
because I was being nice,
but your son has the cold...dead eyes
of a killer.
I mean, I come to your house,
I bring a bottle of wine...
You brought a policewoman.
Policewoman, bottle of wine -
the point is, I made an effort.
And, and, you know, OK,
I was slightly indiscrete,
and I'm sorry!
I am! But you...you blanked me, so...
So what?
Well, I think I deserve an apology.
BOTH: Out.
I came all the way across town
to apologise.
I don't even have the fare
for a taxi back.
I behaved with dignity
and honour and grace.
I'm a bit upset right now -
you wouldn't understand
what I'm talking about,
'cause I'm talking about dignity!
Hence...
So why were you embarrassed
to tell me?
Oh, well I fell, you know,
it was so un-dashing.
And of course going to the toilet
through a chair -
well, we've all been there.
What happened to you?
Oh, I've had some day.
What happened?
Well, it started off...
What happened to you?
SQUELCH!
(High-pitched voice)
That was a particularly bad one.
THEME MUSIC
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