Black Books (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 2 - Manny's First Day - full transcript

THEME MUSIC
Hiya.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm erm...
Ah, yes, of course. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Fine.
We haven't slept together
and you're not here to freak me out.
No, no.
It's just that with you being a
man, I thought maybe we'd had sex.
I'm looking for... I'm supposed
to be working in a bookshop.
Manny.
Fran. What bookshop?
The one next door.
Bernard's bookshop?
Yeah.
Bernard hired you?
Yeah, he did, yeah.
You're working for Bernard?
Indeed I am.
Wait, Bernard -
Irish, smoking, drinking - wrahhh?
Yeah, yeah. Brilliant.
That Bernard?
Yeah, that's him.
I thought it'd be nice,
you know, bookshop, books.
Mellow - you know...ahhh.
(Laughs) Mellow?
Yeah.
(Laughs)
What?
(Laughs)
What?
Run away!
What?
Hello?
Erm...
Mr Black?
Mr Black!
Am I dead?
No.
Who are you? Have I joined a cult?
No. I'm Manny.
You hired me yesterday.
Ohhh.
Do you remember?
No.
How was the situation?
Had I been drinking?
(Coughs)
So, what do you say, huh?
What about it?
You know, the pay's not great,
but the work is hard.
Are you up for it?
Come on, what do you say?
I have to say,
I think you're being a bit rude.
Mr Black?
Just a minute, just a minute, Miss!
Just a minute, Miss.
Do you want the job or not, Manny?
I'm over here.
I do apologise, sir.
Hey!
Alrighty. What did you order?
Lager.
I got you creme de menthe.
OK, hear this.
I like you a lot, Gerald...Samantha.
Manny.
Manny.
That's the one. I like you a lot.
Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
Don't touch my arm.
Sorry.
Erm... Where have you gone?
I'm here. You're looking at me.
Alright, yeah. So, what do you want?
You mentioned something about a job.
What would I have to do?
No, erm...
It was going to be in the bookshop.
But I already work in a bookshop!
No.
Do you have anything in an aquarium?
Er, no, for me.
Oh, yes, right, of course.
Sorry, of course.
You leaving?
That's the old woman.
Bernard Black.
Manny.
So, what do you want?
You mentioned a job.
What would I have to do?
No, for me.
Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry.
Very simple, very simple.
Here we go. Do you want a job?
Great. Yes.
What's great? What?
Had you been drinking?
I'd say you'd had a couple.
The thing is, the thing is...
(Gasps)
Wait a second! What time is it?
Er, half-ten.
Half-ten? Half-ten?
I've never been up at half-ten.
What happens?
Look...erm...
Manny.
Manny, have you ever bought
a book at half-ten in the morning?
Now you mention it, actually...
No. You see? That would be
a world gone topsy-turvy.
If this were a bakery,
this would be late.
What? I don't want any cheek.
I'm sorry, son,
I made some kind of mistake.
You obviously don't have
what it takes to sell a book.
People don't want them
in the morning.
Hello.
I'd like to buy a book, please.
What book?
I don't really care. I'm just
in a real mood to buy a book.
Go! Get out!
Maybe I'll swing by the bakery.
Alright, a one-day trial,
how about that?
Fine, a one-day trial.
Fine. One-day trial... Ow, ow!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Yeah, I'm a bit busy
at the moment, yeah.
I'll call you back.
What's that? "Ow, ow, ow!"
I used to work a lot with the mobile
and it must've done something to me
because now, just before it rings,
I get a sharp pain in my head.
What's your number?
0802 421113.
Would you pass my phone, please?
Ow!
(Laughs)
That's brilliant.
Oh, actually...
Ow!
(Laughs)
Hello?
Hi, Manny, it's Bernard.
The thing is, we don't allow
mobile phones in the shop.
Oh, right.
OK? Bye.
Bye.
Oh, look - redial.
Ow!
What's all this?
The rules - for the customers.
But they apply to you as well.
'No mobiles, no wigwams...'
Walkmans.
'No...snouty car...?'
This is indecipherable.
Look...
..it is perfectly simple.
'No mobiles, no Walkmans...'
None of that...
..or any of the others.
'Sings, bugger, cack.'
'Signed, Bernard L Black.'
Oh, yeah?
What's the 'L' for?
Ludwig, you know, Beethoven.
Oh, right.
Why did your parents decide on...?
What?
Nothing.
I'm going to freshen up.
Hello.
Books, old and new.
Come on, come on!
Who are you? What are you doing?
I'm just a customer.
Oh, yeah.
Lunch! Where the hell is Fran?
Alright, alright.
Come on, lunch.
Shall I flip the sign?
Go ahead.
Join us, Manny.
Tell us all about yourself.
Well, I was born in London...
Stop there, David Copperfield.
If you're going back that far,
we need popcorn.
Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead.
Like I say, born in London,
moved around quite a bit,
saw a lot of army bases.
Oh, your father was in the army?
No, just coincidence.
Sorry, could we do this
some other time when I'm not here.
OK, fair enough. This could be
a really lovely place.
It is a lovely place.
Yeah, you'd have to wax the shelves
and get rid of whatever it is that
makes you stick to the floor here.
You're supposed to stick to the
floor there - I like it like that.
Stops children running around.
Er, seal the floor,
stop that rising smell.
And you do know
you've got mollusks on your pipes?
What of it?
Well, it's just that...
..traditionally,
they live in the sea.
Er...put in
a few more standard lamps.
Why didn't you just say
you were gay?
What? I'm not.
But you're interested in lamps.
Lamps.
Yeah, but I'm interested in women.
And lamps.
I thought you were actually.
Gay, I mean.
So did I for a bit.
Then I found out about the
prohibitive standards of hygiene.
And all that dancing!
Oh, erm...
Just look at this bastard.
That's right,
that's right,
we're having lunch, come on in.
Look at him, look.
What do they want from me?
Why can't they just leave me alone?
What do they want from me?!
They want to buy books.
Yeah, but why me?
Why do they come to me?
Because you sell books.
Yeah, I know, but...
What?
I'd like to buy a book.
(Sighs) Here's one.
No, I was...
This one's very, very good!
Oh, is it?
Yes!
You'll laugh, you'll cry -
it'll change your life.
£5.99.
Alright, OK.
My change?
Can you come back later?
No, I'm not coming back this way.
Where do you live?
17, Galecksie Gardens.
OK. Now, go there
and await my instructions.
Where's he gone?
Oh, I thought he might like
to have a look at your spare room.
Why?
Oh, you know, if you...
..want him living with you
all the time.
Are you insane?
He's great, Bernard.
What's wrong with him?
He's trouble, is what he is.
He's... I can smell it a mile off.
He's got all sorts
of fancy notions and he...
Do you know what I saw
when you weren't here
and you couldn't have seen it?
He was...
He was sucking his trousers
and laughing!
That's a lie, isn't it?
No!
No, don't. I made it up.
Come on, Bernard,
you'd be crazy to let him go.
You need someone normal around here.
Normal? He's normal, is he?
What am I then?
You're a freak, Bernard,
you know that.
Yes, I know.
But I have rights!
This is what you've needed
for he past five years.
I'd better get back to the shop.
Bye, Manny!
You there, Lord Of The Rings,
let's talk about how this whole
one-day trial thing is going anyway.
OK.
At the moment, you're fired.
Oh.
So, it's not going that well.
No.
What's that?
It's a bottle of wine to celebrate
if the first day went well.
Welcome back on board!
These are your accounts?
Yeah.
Might be the odd gap here and there.
Yeah, there's a gap
where there should be accounts.
That's the gap I can see -
the big account-free gap
between page one and page 210.
Oh, well.
Accounts - who cares?
URINATES
There's a thing here -
'Takings £370.'
That's good.
Yeah, but your outgoings
were over £1,200.
Well, whores will
have their trinkets.
I can't take care of every little
thing around here, it's mayhem!
FLY BUZZES
FLY ZOOMS PAST
BUZZING STOPS
You see?
So, you and Fran...?
Yeah?
Do you ever...?
What?
You know.
What? No. What?
Have you ever...?
What?
Have you...you know...? Have you?
What?
Together. Have you ever...?
What? Just say it, man, will you?
Have you ever had sex?
You don't beat around the bush!
Well?
Yes. I think so.
Hm?
I'm not sure.
What happened?
Well...
..a few New Years ago, I woke up
and I was there. And so was she.
And so were our friends -
the genitals.
All six of us were there.
Six...?
Oh, yeah. And...none of you
can remember what happened?
No, no. Well, I did for a while.
I think so.
Then she made me block it out.
That's it.
She remembers and I'm not allowed.
Christ, customers!
Why didn't you lock the door?
We can make some money.
But they're students.
Yeah, but students read books.
Well, they pretend to.
They're students.
I don't know, it sounds dangerous.
I don't like it.
Well, look, give it a chance, right?
And remember this was my idea.
OK, right.
MOBILE RINGS
Hi. Yeah. No, in a bookshop.
No, no, bookshop.
BOOKSHOP!
DISTORTED RING TONE
These things are really well made.
RINGING PERSISTS
RINGING STOPS
Oh, that felt really, really good.
I'm surprised
we sold anything after that.
What about
you following them round?
People want to be left alone
in a bookshop.
Don't you think
I can do this job?
No, I don't.
Alright...
..I bet you I can recommend
and sell a book to this bloke here.
Tenner.
You're on.
Hello...
WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
I'm sick and tired of being
hounded by salesmen in shops.
I'm browsing, alright? Browsing!
And at the end of it,
I might buy something, I might not.
But you will not
influence me one iota!
Not one jot. Now I've finished
with you, you may go!
Best of three?
I'm going out, I have
to take some clothes to Oxfam.
OK.
I usually lock up.
Ah, well, now I'm here,
it's different.
Yes, it's different.
Wait, wait, what are you...?
What?
Why are you locking the door?
I usually lock the door.
But now I'm here, it's different.
Yes, it's different -
I've never locked anybody in before.
Wait! I can mind the shop
for you while you're out.
Oh. Oh, OK.
Psst! Has he gone?
Er, yeah.
He's gone, everyone!
(All cheer)
Where's all the books?
What?
Where's all the books?
Oh, these have been sold.
Oh, Jesus!
Do you know what that means?
It means I have to go
and ring the ordering place -
and you have no idea how incredibly
boring and complicated that is.
Hello? Is this the place
you order books from
for when you want to sell them
from your bookshop?
I don't know. I don't know!
No. Can you just send me some books?
Oh, God!
Hello, hi.
Who am I speaking to? Katie, hi.
Yeah. Can I get The Full Austen,
Complete Trollope, not you (laughs)
Er, Penguin editions,
the new editions, yep.
Tolstoy? OK, fling a few in.
Alright. OK, then. Yeah, yeah.
(Laughs)
OK, fine. See you, bye.
Manny, I think it's about time
you and I had a little chat
about this whole one-day trial thing
and how we think it went.
Alright. I think it went very well.
You sold a lot of books, you got
on very well with the customers...
Thank you.
I'm going to have to let you go.
What? But I sold a lot of books, I
got on well with all the customers.
It's not that kind of operation.
Oh, Fran, just wanted to say...
Hi, Manny. I just wanted to say
that I really enjoyed our chat...
Well, actually, Fran, the thing is,
I just popped in to say goodbye.
Goodbye?
What are you talking about?
What did I do?
GLASS SMASHES
What did I do?
Did you tell Manny he was fired?
You nearly hurt me in the shoulder.
Did you?!
Yeah, a bit.
SHOUTING
Manny, can you come inside?
Do you want to work in the bookshop?
Yeah, alright.
There.
He likes you.
Ow. Ow.
What? What?
Ow! Ow!
What? What?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Argh!
Argh!
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