Black Books (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - Cooking the Books - full transcript
Bernard is struggling to cope with getting down to menial but essential tasks for his book shop, such as the accounts when a chance meeting with a customer, Manny, helps him out. Meanwhile, the owner of the shop next door, enlists the help of Bernard and his customers to find out exactly what an object from her shop is and in doing so misses an important appointment.
THEME MUSIC
I don't know, Nick.
You're the accountant.
These books...hello?
Yeah, I know...
..maybe, I'm not sure.
Are you in there? Excuse me.
Yep.
Excuse me, I just wonder if...
It'll be much simpler this time,
Nick. Honestly.
The accounts are in order.
Yeah, OK, alright.
Well, I'll see you in an hour.
OK. 'Bye.
Now...
Those books. How much?
Hmm?
Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Yes, Dickens. 'The Collected
Works of Charles Dickens'.
They real leather?
They're real Dickens.
I have to know
if they're real leather
because they have to go with a sofa.
Everything else in my house is real.
I'll give you 200 for them.
200 what?
£200.
Are they leather-bound pounds?
No.
Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds
to go with my wallet. Next!
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello!
Hello.
Do you have 'The Little Book
of Calm'? I need it.
Do you have it? I need it,
I'm late for work.
Calm...little book...
Uh...
..is this it?
No...it's too big.
Too big, little...small.
This one? This one?
No, calm. 'The Little Book of Calm'.
Uh...this?
That's the one! Yes.
Alright.
Money.
£2.50
£2.50
Could I...
I'll just get you a bag.
No, no bag. I don't need a bag.
Just the book.
I'll do you a receipt.
I don't need a receipt.
That's broken,
I'll have to write one out.
'Littllllllllle...booooo...
Look, I'll do it!
'Of Calm', £2.50, thank you.
(Breathless) Um...stroke...trifle,
eat a trifle, no.
"Let go once in a while.
"You are a loose lily floating down
an amber river."
Ahhhhhhhh! Ah.
Sorry. I hate my job!
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
What a strange man.
Right, the shop is closed,
everybody get out.
What?!
Time to go home, come on!
It's only a quarter to three!
Yes, but it's my shop.
Come on, go home, 'bye-bye.
Thank you, out, out.
That's hardly fair.
It's not fair at all, get out.
'Bye-bye!
I expect better service...
Well, expect away.
Get out, 'bye-bye, come on,
all you time-wasting bastards,
back on the streets, come on!
'Bye, 'bye, 'bye!
Goodbye, thank you, 'bye, 'bye, 'bye.
Back to life, back to reality,
thank you.
STRANGE CLANGING NOISE
Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
What is it?
It's a...thing.
Is it?
Yes.
What does it do?
It's very in.
You don't know what it is, do you?
It...it's very now.
Listen, will just pop next door
and mind the shop?
I have to see my accountant.
Bernard, will you get an assistant,
so I don't have to do this
all the time?
Oh, but yeah, actually,
I will do it this one time.
But you have to do the same for me,
day after tomorrow.
OK. Why?
Well, you know my pal Julie?
Yeah.
They're inducing
the baby on Wednesday,
and she's asked me
to be birth partner.
Yuck.
That's gonna be very intense,
there's gonna be a lot of blood
and shouting...
Oh, no, no, I'll just get drunk.
In fact...she'll be on drugs,
I'll be drunk...
..it'll be just like the old days.
OK. Well, have a nice time. 'Bye.
Hello?
I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?
BUZZER RINGS
So show me your new filing system,
Bernard.
This is March...
..to, uh...boobily-boo.
This is...'misc'.
And the rest are...'other'.
Other what? Are they weeks,
is it backdated weeks, is it?
No, other...
..times.
So, it goes this week - very recent,
and...all other times.
Well, you gotta help me out here,
Bernard.
I mean, what period
does all of the times cover?
I don't know, Nick! I'm not...
..Wonder Woman.
This new system
is very closely modelled
on the old system, isn't it?
I...I've gone
further than that, Nick.
I'd say it was more or less
exactly the same.
Except...
No, it's the same.
I mean, you know, I just sort of lied
on the phone, Nick, I lied, I...
Well, I mean...
(Whispers) Did you hear that?
What?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I mean, you're lucky I'm so...
..accommodating.
Because a lot of other accountants
might be a bit funny...
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Yes, Jane. Oh, right.
OK. Yep. Mmm, mmm.
Mmm-hmm. Yep, alright. 'Bye.
Bernard, I've just got to pop off.
What, now?
Yep, I'll see you soon, alright?
'Bye!
He's always one step ahead.
The cat has left the basket.
The cat has left the basket!
SIRENS, BACKGROUND RADIO CHATTER
Mmm. Yeah, it's flying, it's flying.
I'm right on it.
I mean, it'll be in the pipe soon.
I tell you, the best thing
is if I...
You.
Manny.
What's that you're eating? Soup?
Yes.
It's extra-chunky.
What's in it?
Chunks.
Should I be doing something?
Do you need the Diesen accounts now?
I have them on disk.
I would have emailed them,
but, uh...
..I had a lot of clink
on the stuff expander,
and, uh...plug went in some tiser.
Look, just shape up or ship out,
alright?
PHONE RINGS
Yeah? Uh-huh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, um...
I'm chasing up the...
..the Thompson account.
Yeah, OK. (Mumbles)
"Visualise the ocean."
Aaaggh! Get! Aaagh! Aaagh!
Oh, a calm ocean. Rightio.
Right, come on, we've got to get
Friday's invoices in.
OK, yeah, yeah. Here I come.
(Chokes)
What is it?
(Chokes)
It's my 'Little Book of Calm'!
I swallowed
my 'Little Book of Calm'!
Is it some kind of bald Furby?
Bernard! Early closing?
How did it go?
Nick the accountant.
Nick the accountant is a fugitive!
I'm not doing my accounts!
Why?
Because you can stick it
up your arse.
Bernard, you'll just have
to do them yourself.
It is quite easy.
Yeah. I'll give it...give it a go.
I'm sure I can muddle along,
actually.
WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
THE WHAT?!
"If you live in a council flat beside
a river but are not blind," WHAT?!
"What is your mother's maiden name?"
What's her first name?!
I just knew her as 'Ma'!
Ma. That'll have to do.
'Ma'.
"Possibly deceased."
"Did your non-returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?"
Right, that's all my socks paired.
Back to the accounts.
OK..."Did your
non-returnable outgoings
"for the first half of the year
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?"
Hello, Ma?
Who's there?
It's Bernard. No, nothing's wrong.
Come on, I don't need an excuse
to call my mother, do I?
I am, Yeah, I know.
Yes, yes, I will.
I know. Yes.
Yes, I know.
Yep, yep.
GOODBYE, I HAVE TO DO MY TAX!
"Did your non-returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year..."
TAPPING AT DOOR
Oh, thank Christ.
Yes?
Hello, we were wondering if we could
talk to you about JESUS.
Great! Come in!
What?
I'd love to hear about Jesus.
What's he up to now?
Come on in, come on.
Uh...are you sure?
Yes! In, in, come in!
It's a trick!
It's just...generally,
people don't say yes.
Well, I'm not people.
Come on in, let's talk beliefs!
Come in, come in. Grab a pew.
Right, let's go.
Well, to be honest, we've never
actually...thought this far ahead.
It's nice in here. Indoors.
What's your favourite story about...
our Lord?
Money Lenders!
Has to be the Money Lenders.
Chasing them out of the temple...
It is knockout stuff, isn't it? Yeah.
And yourself?
Oh, well, it's all good.
Um...but I suppose when he rescued,
when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
No, that's the story Jesus tells
about the Samaritan
who helped somebody else.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
And I like the one where he went
to dinner with the tax collector.
Do you have any literature
or anything I could look at?
OH, YES!
Those books and magazines we have!
Books and magazines!
(Makes excited noises)
MACHINE BEEPS
Ah, there you are.
Um...time for my results?
Well, it's rather bad news
I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
'The Little Book of Calm' is lodged
between the small intestine
and the pancreas.
If it rotates a centimetre
or two to the left,
you'll be dead in seconds.
Oh, my God.
No, hold on a moment.
That's just the worst-case scenario.
The other possibility -
and this is far more likely -
is that 'The Little Book of Calm'
will move to the right,
into the renal canal.
If this happens, you could live
for anything up to...
..10 years, 1 year - who knows?
Because of the massive scarring
caused by 'The Little Book of Calm',
however, it is possible that you'll
be in a massive amount of pain...
Oh, my God. Sorry...
..during that time.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sorry about this. I have to go.
We'll operate tomorrow, see if
there's anything we can do about it.
There's a good chance
you'll survive -
a 30% chance, I'd say -
so try not to worry.
As the book itself says...
.."Whenever you're in a tight spot,
"try to imagine yourself marooned
on a beautiful desert island."
(Drunken laughter)
So, he said that because...
because no-one's without sin,
is that right?
Yeah, yeah, well, you know,
that's what he was hinting.
So, it's like God and Jesus
are the one thing?
You got it. Are you sure you
won't stay a little bit longer?
Oh, no, really, we have to go,
it's very late.
OK, alright, whatever.
Call again though, yeah?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Goodbye.
Yep. Later.
Bernard?
Finished with your accounts?
Yeah, I've turned them into
a rather smart casual jacket.
No, no, it's...
..I mean, it is a very nice jacket,
but what are you gonna do
about your accounts?
I don't know! Will you do them?
Oh, well, look...you've got that
wrong for a start
'cause you DIVIDE by 10 there...
oh, no, no, no.
No, no, I'm not doing this.
No, no, I have to give
all my attention
to being Julie's birth partn...
Oh, look, look, look, there's
something written on the side!
There's something '£15.99'
oh no, I wrote that...
What am I gonna do now?
Who's gonna help me?!
Ah, Mr Bianco, back with us at last.
There's been a...complication.
You see,
we went in to remove the book,
and, um...well, uh...
in medical terms, it's gone.
To put it another way,
it's not there.
I don't know how this could have
happened, the only explanation
is that somehow you assimilated it
into your system overnight,
which is of course impossible.
SERENE MUSIC PLAYS
How do you feel, by the way?
Add a drop of lavender to your bath,
and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
I'm sorry?
If you want to feel calm,
eat more raw fruit and vegetables,
yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Uh...maybe I should let you
get some rest.
When you rest, you are a king
surveying your estate.
Look at the woodland,
the peacocks on the lawn.
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Uh...yes.
I'VE GOT IT!
I'm doing them!
I know what this is, it's so simple.
It's for giving up sugar.
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
No, that's absurd, isn't it?
What's this now - blah, blah, blah,
blah, yah, yah, blah, blah, blah.
"Exemption clause - persons suffering
from short or long term injury
"or sickness may defer their returns
until such time as..."
Wait a minute - "Persons suffering
from short or long term injury
"or sickness
may defer their returns..."
Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!
No, no, give it up, Bernard.
No, you'd have to really
cripple yourself.
You're hardly gonna do that
just to avoid doing accounts.
Ah, we've got a special offer
on this one.
Really?
Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
Fair enough.
Great!
I'll just get the hobbling post. OK.
Wait. I've read this one.
That's the problem with Woodhouse,
isn't it?
Yes, it's terrible.
Now hurry up and break my legs.
But I've already read it!
No, I'm sorry, I've got to go.
DOOR OPENS
What is this? What is this?
Have you any idea
what the hell this is?
P.A. SYSTEM: Would the birth partner
of Julie Williams
please report to Delivery Room One.
ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS
(Woman yells painfully)
WHERE'S MY BIRTH PARTNER?
I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT
MY BIRTH PARTNER, WHERE IS SHE?!
WHERE IS SHE?!
I told you, Julie,
we can't find her!
We've been calling her all day!
When you're feeling under pressure,
do something different - roll up
your sleeves or eat an orange.
ANGELIC MUSIC
DOG BARKS
CAR ALARM BLARES
ALARM STOPS
Is it some kind of fake breast?
You know, that dads wear.
What are you talking about?
You know, for babies.
Bab...
Babies...oh, my God!
Julie! Oh!
Be on the lookout
for things that make you laugh.
If you see nothing worth laughing at,
pretend you see it, then laugh.
Yeah...whatever.
Oi, hairy!
What you lookin' at?
Have you ever noticed a calm person
with a loud voice?
Try and speak softly once in a while.
Add a dab of lavender to milk.
Leave town with an orange
and pretend you're laughing at it.
Alright you lot,
you better clear off.
I have to do a few...
you know, I have to...I have to...
Aaah! Skinheads! Perfect! Ha-ha!
Do you think you're funny?
Wh...what happened?
Lookin' for another slap, are ya?
Looking for another slap?
Which one of you bitches
wants to dance?
Whoa!
Hey, you know when you're doing
the usual sort of threesome thing
you do of a weekend -
you know, and the moonlight's
bouncing off your heads
and your arses and everything -
does that not get a bit confusing?
Right. Look, this is you, OK?
(Sings) # Tra-lala la-la (repeats)
# (Continues singing) #
Millwall, that's the one.
Do you know this chant?
(Sings) # Millwall, Millwall,
you're all really dreadful
# And all your girlfriends
are unfulfilled and alienated. #
WHACK!
ANGELIC MUSIC
(Babbles)
(Continues babbling)
SLAPPING NOISE
Are you in pain?
Not enough! Where have they gone?!
Oh...they got tired and went away.
Uh...why did you do that?
That was so incredible, the way
you just kept letting them punch you
and...thank you.
I've been gravely injured now.
I don't have to do my accounts.
You're a witness.
LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
Well, I could do your accounts.
What?
Well, I'm an accountant.
Well, WAS an accountant.
Uh, it's the least I could do.
You mean you could do more?
Yeah.
Could I have a glass of wine?
OK.
And a ham sandwich!
If you like.
With a pickle?
Alright.
BOTH: Aaaaagh!
Right, well you get started on that
and I'll begin the...
..the business of the day.
Car won't start. Cab number.
Cab number.
Got to get to Julie.
Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
Closed Captions by
Captioning and Subtitling
International Pty Ltd
.
I don't know, Nick.
You're the accountant.
These books...hello?
Yeah, I know...
..maybe, I'm not sure.
Are you in there? Excuse me.
Yep.
Excuse me, I just wonder if...
It'll be much simpler this time,
Nick. Honestly.
The accounts are in order.
Yeah, OK, alright.
Well, I'll see you in an hour.
OK. 'Bye.
Now...
Those books. How much?
Hmm?
Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Yes, Dickens. 'The Collected
Works of Charles Dickens'.
They real leather?
They're real Dickens.
I have to know
if they're real leather
because they have to go with a sofa.
Everything else in my house is real.
I'll give you 200 for them.
200 what?
£200.
Are they leather-bound pounds?
No.
Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds
to go with my wallet. Next!
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello!
Hello.
Do you have 'The Little Book
of Calm'? I need it.
Do you have it? I need it,
I'm late for work.
Calm...little book...
Uh...
..is this it?
No...it's too big.
Too big, little...small.
This one? This one?
No, calm. 'The Little Book of Calm'.
Uh...this?
That's the one! Yes.
Alright.
Money.
£2.50
£2.50
Could I...
I'll just get you a bag.
No, no bag. I don't need a bag.
Just the book.
I'll do you a receipt.
I don't need a receipt.
That's broken,
I'll have to write one out.
'Littllllllllle...booooo...
Look, I'll do it!
'Of Calm', £2.50, thank you.
(Breathless) Um...stroke...trifle,
eat a trifle, no.
"Let go once in a while.
"You are a loose lily floating down
an amber river."
Ahhhhhhhh! Ah.
Sorry. I hate my job!
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
What a strange man.
Right, the shop is closed,
everybody get out.
What?!
Time to go home, come on!
It's only a quarter to three!
Yes, but it's my shop.
Come on, go home, 'bye-bye.
Thank you, out, out.
That's hardly fair.
It's not fair at all, get out.
'Bye-bye!
I expect better service...
Well, expect away.
Get out, 'bye-bye, come on,
all you time-wasting bastards,
back on the streets, come on!
'Bye, 'bye, 'bye!
Goodbye, thank you, 'bye, 'bye, 'bye.
Back to life, back to reality,
thank you.
STRANGE CLANGING NOISE
Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
What is it?
It's a...thing.
Is it?
Yes.
What does it do?
It's very in.
You don't know what it is, do you?
It...it's very now.
Listen, will just pop next door
and mind the shop?
I have to see my accountant.
Bernard, will you get an assistant,
so I don't have to do this
all the time?
Oh, but yeah, actually,
I will do it this one time.
But you have to do the same for me,
day after tomorrow.
OK. Why?
Well, you know my pal Julie?
Yeah.
They're inducing
the baby on Wednesday,
and she's asked me
to be birth partner.
Yuck.
That's gonna be very intense,
there's gonna be a lot of blood
and shouting...
Oh, no, no, I'll just get drunk.
In fact...she'll be on drugs,
I'll be drunk...
..it'll be just like the old days.
OK. Well, have a nice time. 'Bye.
Hello?
I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?
BUZZER RINGS
So show me your new filing system,
Bernard.
This is March...
..to, uh...boobily-boo.
This is...'misc'.
And the rest are...'other'.
Other what? Are they weeks,
is it backdated weeks, is it?
No, other...
..times.
So, it goes this week - very recent,
and...all other times.
Well, you gotta help me out here,
Bernard.
I mean, what period
does all of the times cover?
I don't know, Nick! I'm not...
..Wonder Woman.
This new system
is very closely modelled
on the old system, isn't it?
I...I've gone
further than that, Nick.
I'd say it was more or less
exactly the same.
Except...
No, it's the same.
I mean, you know, I just sort of lied
on the phone, Nick, I lied, I...
Well, I mean...
(Whispers) Did you hear that?
What?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I mean, you're lucky I'm so...
..accommodating.
Because a lot of other accountants
might be a bit funny...
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Yes, Jane. Oh, right.
OK. Yep. Mmm, mmm.
Mmm-hmm. Yep, alright. 'Bye.
Bernard, I've just got to pop off.
What, now?
Yep, I'll see you soon, alright?
'Bye!
He's always one step ahead.
The cat has left the basket.
The cat has left the basket!
SIRENS, BACKGROUND RADIO CHATTER
Mmm. Yeah, it's flying, it's flying.
I'm right on it.
I mean, it'll be in the pipe soon.
I tell you, the best thing
is if I...
You.
Manny.
What's that you're eating? Soup?
Yes.
It's extra-chunky.
What's in it?
Chunks.
Should I be doing something?
Do you need the Diesen accounts now?
I have them on disk.
I would have emailed them,
but, uh...
..I had a lot of clink
on the stuff expander,
and, uh...plug went in some tiser.
Look, just shape up or ship out,
alright?
PHONE RINGS
Yeah? Uh-huh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, um...
I'm chasing up the...
..the Thompson account.
Yeah, OK. (Mumbles)
"Visualise the ocean."
Aaaggh! Get! Aaagh! Aaagh!
Oh, a calm ocean. Rightio.
Right, come on, we've got to get
Friday's invoices in.
OK, yeah, yeah. Here I come.
(Chokes)
What is it?
(Chokes)
It's my 'Little Book of Calm'!
I swallowed
my 'Little Book of Calm'!
Is it some kind of bald Furby?
Bernard! Early closing?
How did it go?
Nick the accountant.
Nick the accountant is a fugitive!
I'm not doing my accounts!
Why?
Because you can stick it
up your arse.
Bernard, you'll just have
to do them yourself.
It is quite easy.
Yeah. I'll give it...give it a go.
I'm sure I can muddle along,
actually.
WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
THE WHAT?!
"If you live in a council flat beside
a river but are not blind," WHAT?!
"What is your mother's maiden name?"
What's her first name?!
I just knew her as 'Ma'!
Ma. That'll have to do.
'Ma'.
"Possibly deceased."
"Did your non-returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?"
Right, that's all my socks paired.
Back to the accounts.
OK..."Did your
non-returnable outgoings
"for the first half of the year
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?"
Hello, Ma?
Who's there?
It's Bernard. No, nothing's wrong.
Come on, I don't need an excuse
to call my mother, do I?
I am, Yeah, I know.
Yes, yes, I will.
I know. Yes.
Yes, I know.
Yep, yep.
GOODBYE, I HAVE TO DO MY TAX!
"Did your non-returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year..."
TAPPING AT DOOR
Oh, thank Christ.
Yes?
Hello, we were wondering if we could
talk to you about JESUS.
Great! Come in!
What?
I'd love to hear about Jesus.
What's he up to now?
Come on in, come on.
Uh...are you sure?
Yes! In, in, come in!
It's a trick!
It's just...generally,
people don't say yes.
Well, I'm not people.
Come on in, let's talk beliefs!
Come in, come in. Grab a pew.
Right, let's go.
Well, to be honest, we've never
actually...thought this far ahead.
It's nice in here. Indoors.
What's your favourite story about...
our Lord?
Money Lenders!
Has to be the Money Lenders.
Chasing them out of the temple...
It is knockout stuff, isn't it? Yeah.
And yourself?
Oh, well, it's all good.
Um...but I suppose when he rescued,
when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
No, that's the story Jesus tells
about the Samaritan
who helped somebody else.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
And I like the one where he went
to dinner with the tax collector.
Do you have any literature
or anything I could look at?
OH, YES!
Those books and magazines we have!
Books and magazines!
(Makes excited noises)
MACHINE BEEPS
Ah, there you are.
Um...time for my results?
Well, it's rather bad news
I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
'The Little Book of Calm' is lodged
between the small intestine
and the pancreas.
If it rotates a centimetre
or two to the left,
you'll be dead in seconds.
Oh, my God.
No, hold on a moment.
That's just the worst-case scenario.
The other possibility -
and this is far more likely -
is that 'The Little Book of Calm'
will move to the right,
into the renal canal.
If this happens, you could live
for anything up to...
..10 years, 1 year - who knows?
Because of the massive scarring
caused by 'The Little Book of Calm',
however, it is possible that you'll
be in a massive amount of pain...
Oh, my God. Sorry...
..during that time.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sorry about this. I have to go.
We'll operate tomorrow, see if
there's anything we can do about it.
There's a good chance
you'll survive -
a 30% chance, I'd say -
so try not to worry.
As the book itself says...
.."Whenever you're in a tight spot,
"try to imagine yourself marooned
on a beautiful desert island."
(Drunken laughter)
So, he said that because...
because no-one's without sin,
is that right?
Yeah, yeah, well, you know,
that's what he was hinting.
So, it's like God and Jesus
are the one thing?
You got it. Are you sure you
won't stay a little bit longer?
Oh, no, really, we have to go,
it's very late.
OK, alright, whatever.
Call again though, yeah?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Goodbye.
Yep. Later.
Bernard?
Finished with your accounts?
Yeah, I've turned them into
a rather smart casual jacket.
No, no, it's...
..I mean, it is a very nice jacket,
but what are you gonna do
about your accounts?
I don't know! Will you do them?
Oh, well, look...you've got that
wrong for a start
'cause you DIVIDE by 10 there...
oh, no, no, no.
No, no, I'm not doing this.
No, no, I have to give
all my attention
to being Julie's birth partn...
Oh, look, look, look, there's
something written on the side!
There's something '£15.99'
oh no, I wrote that...
What am I gonna do now?
Who's gonna help me?!
Ah, Mr Bianco, back with us at last.
There's been a...complication.
You see,
we went in to remove the book,
and, um...well, uh...
in medical terms, it's gone.
To put it another way,
it's not there.
I don't know how this could have
happened, the only explanation
is that somehow you assimilated it
into your system overnight,
which is of course impossible.
SERENE MUSIC PLAYS
How do you feel, by the way?
Add a drop of lavender to your bath,
and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
I'm sorry?
If you want to feel calm,
eat more raw fruit and vegetables,
yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Uh...maybe I should let you
get some rest.
When you rest, you are a king
surveying your estate.
Look at the woodland,
the peacocks on the lawn.
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Uh...yes.
I'VE GOT IT!
I'm doing them!
I know what this is, it's so simple.
It's for giving up sugar.
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
No, that's absurd, isn't it?
What's this now - blah, blah, blah,
blah, yah, yah, blah, blah, blah.
"Exemption clause - persons suffering
from short or long term injury
"or sickness may defer their returns
until such time as..."
Wait a minute - "Persons suffering
from short or long term injury
"or sickness
may defer their returns..."
Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!
No, no, give it up, Bernard.
No, you'd have to really
cripple yourself.
You're hardly gonna do that
just to avoid doing accounts.
Ah, we've got a special offer
on this one.
Really?
Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
Fair enough.
Great!
I'll just get the hobbling post. OK.
Wait. I've read this one.
That's the problem with Woodhouse,
isn't it?
Yes, it's terrible.
Now hurry up and break my legs.
But I've already read it!
No, I'm sorry, I've got to go.
DOOR OPENS
What is this? What is this?
Have you any idea
what the hell this is?
P.A. SYSTEM: Would the birth partner
of Julie Williams
please report to Delivery Room One.
ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS
(Woman yells painfully)
WHERE'S MY BIRTH PARTNER?
I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT
MY BIRTH PARTNER, WHERE IS SHE?!
WHERE IS SHE?!
I told you, Julie,
we can't find her!
We've been calling her all day!
When you're feeling under pressure,
do something different - roll up
your sleeves or eat an orange.
ANGELIC MUSIC
DOG BARKS
CAR ALARM BLARES
ALARM STOPS
Is it some kind of fake breast?
You know, that dads wear.
What are you talking about?
You know, for babies.
Bab...
Babies...oh, my God!
Julie! Oh!
Be on the lookout
for things that make you laugh.
If you see nothing worth laughing at,
pretend you see it, then laugh.
Yeah...whatever.
Oi, hairy!
What you lookin' at?
Have you ever noticed a calm person
with a loud voice?
Try and speak softly once in a while.
Add a dab of lavender to milk.
Leave town with an orange
and pretend you're laughing at it.
Alright you lot,
you better clear off.
I have to do a few...
you know, I have to...I have to...
Aaah! Skinheads! Perfect! Ha-ha!
Do you think you're funny?
Wh...what happened?
Lookin' for another slap, are ya?
Looking for another slap?
Which one of you bitches
wants to dance?
Whoa!
Hey, you know when you're doing
the usual sort of threesome thing
you do of a weekend -
you know, and the moonlight's
bouncing off your heads
and your arses and everything -
does that not get a bit confusing?
Right. Look, this is you, OK?
(Sings) # Tra-lala la-la (repeats)
# (Continues singing) #
Millwall, that's the one.
Do you know this chant?
(Sings) # Millwall, Millwall,
you're all really dreadful
# And all your girlfriends
are unfulfilled and alienated. #
WHACK!
ANGELIC MUSIC
(Babbles)
(Continues babbling)
SLAPPING NOISE
Are you in pain?
Not enough! Where have they gone?!
Oh...they got tired and went away.
Uh...why did you do that?
That was so incredible, the way
you just kept letting them punch you
and...thank you.
I've been gravely injured now.
I don't have to do my accounts.
You're a witness.
LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
Well, I could do your accounts.
What?
Well, I'm an accountant.
Well, WAS an accountant.
Uh, it's the least I could do.
You mean you could do more?
Yeah.
Could I have a glass of wine?
OK.
And a ham sandwich!
If you like.
With a pickle?
Alright.
BOTH: Aaaaagh!
Right, well you get started on that
and I'll begin the...
..the business of the day.
Car won't start. Cab number.
Cab number.
Got to get to Julie.
Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
Closed Captions by
Captioning and Subtitling
International Pty Ltd
.