Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Date/The Troggies Next Door - full transcript

Doo doo-doo-doo doo doo

Doo doo-doo-doo doo doo

Billy Dilley,

We're subterranean

Billy Dilley

You're such a brainy kid

Billy Dilley

It's fascinating how

Billy Dilley

It's complicated now

Billy Dilley, situation critical



Billy Dilley, I hope it's fixable

Billy Dilley

Ooooh

Billy Dilley

Zeke, guess what.

You fell into a thorn bush again?

Yeah. You know those purple spiky ones

with all those shiny leaves
that kinda curve up like this

- and this and this?
- Yeah.

Well, it wasn't one of those.

It was this green one,

with kind of a blue spiky thing on top.

And I didn't so much fall into it.
It was more of a trip...

and then a bounce, and then a twirl,



and...

Kinda like that.

Hey, guys, I didn't expect you
to be in here.

We're trapped 3,000 miles
beneath the Earth's crust.

- So?
- So where else would we be?

- Very funny, Zeke.
- Was it?

Hey, Billy.

Did you fall into a thorn bush again?

Yeah, only this one was more of a shrub.

And...

Zeke, wait.

Feast your sensory organs on this.

It's the most fascinating mold specimen
I've encountered

since we've been stranded down here.

I'm thinking of calling it
Moldimus Fascinatingus.

I'd call it the worst thing
I've ever smelled in my life.

Time to go analyze this puppy,
and find out what she's made of.

But first, lunch.

Marsha, you barely touched
your lichen sandwich.

Don't you lichen it?

What? I guess
I'm just a little distracted.

- Yeah. By what?
- Greg Hastings.

Who's Greg Hastings?

He's only the awesomest,
most far-out boy ever.

And he's taking me on a date tonight.

A date?

Tonight?

- Taking?
- On?

Ever?

It was one year ago at summer camp.

Gregory,

will I ever see you again?

When the moon is full
and the time is right,

we will dine by candlelight.

But when?

One year from next Tuesday.

Is that counting holidays?

All except Columbus Day.

And that's why tonight's gonna be
the most magical night

- of my life.
- I'll say.

That'll be a real magic trick
for Greg to show up down here.

- You don't know how he feels about me.
- Don't worry, Marsha.

Anaximander could always take you out.

Isn't he adorable?

- Well, technically, Greg could show up.
- Really?

He would just have to rearrange his atoms,

and launch them here using some kind
of photon-electroid beam.

He would probably show up
inside out, but...

I get it, okay?

I'm never gonna see Greg Hastings again!

Were you gonna eat that other sandwich?

I don't get it, Zeke.

I've never seen Marsha this upset.

Well, she's got her heart set
on having a date. What can we do?

I don't know, Zeke.

But you and I are gonna make sure
Marsha keeps her date tonight

with Greg Hastings.

There's only one problem.

- What's that?
- Greg Hastings.

You're right. Wait a minute.

Maybe we don't need
the real Greg Hastings.

Hey, don't look at me.

I'm not. I'm looking
in that swamp behind you.

Mud men.

The mud men are timid and unpredictable.

If we want their help,
we'll need a strategic approach.

Hey, you guys like soda?

Fascinating.

And now, the final touch.

Billy, I told you I...

Greg Hastings?

Is it really you?

My lady, your limousine awaits.

But I'm not even dressed yet.

Okay, I'm dressed.

Greg, look.

The moon is even full.

Just like my heart.

My name is Billy, and I'll be taking care
of you this evening.

Can I start you two off with maybe
a strawberry stalagmite lemonade,

or cave truffle artichoke dip?

Whatever Greg wants.

An excellent choice.

Order up.

Hey, Billy, what...

You call this a souffle?

Well, that was table one.
They had the cave truffle rolls...

Don't get cute with me, mister.

This is a fine dining establishment,
not a comedy club.

Do it again!

Billy, what are you doing, man?
That food was beautiful.

Why don't you take care of the mood,
and I'll take care of the food?

That's what I wanna see, Zeke.
The passion.

Put that fire in the food.

Greg, you must be starving.
What's taking the food so long?

Waiter!

Zeke, how we doing on table one?

Walking right now. Protein on the right.

Billy, wait. Garnish.

Yeah. Good idea.

And one for you.

Enjoy your meal.

Greg, this night
couldn't be more magical.

You're right, Greg.

I'm not hungry either.

Well, Zeke, it looks
like we pulled it off.

Where did you say you found
that moon again?

There's some weird, giant,
nest-like thingy.

Okay.

I suggest we take
a more strategic position.

Good idea. Run!

Billy!

Such a beautiful specimen.

Never seen
such magnificent scale structure.

- I thought you were gonna catch him.
- I thought you were gonna catch him.

Run, run, run away
Catch me if you can

Zeke, Marsha.

That buzzard's about to see
a side of Billy Dilley

he's gonna wish he hadn't.

Hi-yah!

No!

Whoa!

- Not so fast.
- Billy!

All Marsha wanted was a romantic,
once-in-a-lifetime dream date

and... and... and I tried
to give it to her.

But it turns out,
you can't manufacture love.

Not out of mud, meddling,
or giant pterodactyl eggs.

So if you're gonna eat anyone, eat me.

Besides, I probably taste
much better anyway.

Especially this section right here,
right back here. You see that marbling?

There's enough to go around,
guys, if you...

I only have one last request.

And that's to bequeath
my beloved mold specimen

to my best friends, Zeke and Marsha.

Who knows what strange properties
this beauty may hold?

It very well may...

- Billy!
- Billy!

Fascinating.

Beep!

Wow!

This is the awesomest,
most far-out pet ever.

- Just like Greg Hastings?
- Just like you guys.

And all it took to figure that out
was for Billy to be eaten alive.

Just one question, Billy.

How did you know
the mold makes things shrink?

I didn't, but further analysis

reveals the effects are only temporary.

What further analysis?

Fascinating.

Nice try, Billy boy, but watch and learn.

I will not let my photographic memory
go to waste now, Zeke.

Zeke shot!

Whoa! In your face, Billy.

By Tesla's monogrammed underwear,
I'll never beat you, Zeke.

Cheer up, Billy.
At least you're losing to the best.

- Just keep trying.
- You're right, Zeke.

What if Schlomo Seedman had given up?

I'll regret asking this,
but who is Schlomo Seedman?

I'm glad you asked, Zeke.

Schlomo Seedman was a condiment inventor.

An uninspired
and failed condiment inventor.

No matter what he tried,
everything he touched

turned to mayonnaise.

He was an abject failure,
until one day, someone special

flipped a switch in his brain,
inspiring him,

thus unleashing a veritable tsunami
of creativity.

of creativity.

And in his frenzy,

he created the greatest condiment
of all time.

- Mustard, right?
- Wrong, Zekie-poo.

It was delicious golden mustard.

Of course it was.

- Rematch, Zeke?
- Beating you never does get old, Billy.

But I need some fresh blood.
Real competition.

But we're trapped 3,000 miles
beneath the Earth's crust,

so I guess I'm outta luck.

If you want some competition,
why don't you just ask our neighbors?

Zeke, meet Troglodyticus Erectus.

Or as I like to call them, Troggies.

Troggies.

- Troggies?
- Look, Zeke,

they're conveniently enjoying
some light competition.

Hey, that looks just like Zeke Ball.

I'm about to show these fur balls
who's boss.

Now you guys have never seen
the likes of a Zeke before,

so I won't be offended
if you cover your eyes

to not be blinded by my excellence.

Zeke shot!

Wow, must be a new record.

I doubt if anyone in the history
of all Troggies

would be able to beat that.

- I think he beat you, Zeke.
- Maybe this time, Billy,

but we will beat these Troggies,
one way or another.

Yeah! Beat that, Troggies.

Don't give up, Zeke.

You're doing great, Zeke.

You got 'em right where you want 'em.

Victory is served.

Zeke, maybe you should've added
some garlic.

Twelve spaces. Beat that.

Fascinating.

Okay, you're good at BMX, Hackey Bag,
cooking and Candy Time.

How about a Zeke look-alike contest?

That's it!

Stupid Troggies.

At least you're losing to the best.

Gosh, Zeke, are you okay?

No, Billy, I'm not.

Those Troggies put that stuff there
on purpose.

They knew I'd trip over it,
and now they're all laughing at me.

Just look at 'em over there.

I don't know, Zeke. I think
if they were trying to prank us,

they'd set it up more like this.

Whoa!

Or like this.

Or like this.

Wait. What did you just say, Billy?

Um...

- Not that.
- Wow. Oof.

- Before that, Billy.
- I don't know, Zeke.

- After that.
- They set it up more like this.

- Back a little.
- Prank us?

Prank us. Yes! Billy, that's it!

That's how we'll beat those Troggies.

I'll prank them with the greatest prank
in Subterannea-Tania history.

So what is the greatest prank
in Subterannea-Tania history?

I don't know,
but I do know who does know.

Mikey McMannus here. Master prankster.

Pleased to meet you, Zeke.

Okay, I'm desperate.
I'll take it where I can get it.

Let's start with the classics.

The tried and true.

The old classic vomit gag.

Too crass.

- Dollar tied to a string?
- Pass.

- Black gum.
- Yawn.

- Stink in a can.
- Really?

Chattering teeth? Big, hairy spider?
A 1959 Joyco hand buzzer.

From an age when electrocution
was hilarious!

No, Mikey.

Billy, that's just...

- just plain mustard.
- It is?

- What we need is delicious golden mustard.
- We do?

I'm gonna flip
your Schlomo Seedman switch,

and you're gonna use your imagination
to create the biggest, baddest prank

that Subterannea-Tania has ever witnessed.

Click. Now close your eyes, Billy.

Can you see it, Billy?
Can you see the prank, Billy?

I can see it, Zeke.

I can see it!

Billy, you can open your eyes first.

That'll make inventing so much easier.

All right, Zeke, get ready to have
your pants blown clean off.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go!

Ta-da!

Fire this puppy up,
and get this prankin' show on the road.

We'll finally beat those dumb Troggies,

once and for all.

All they have to do
is pull that doughnut, and off they'll go.

Moments away from victory.

What?

Don't play with it.

Here. You just grab the doughnut and pull.

I hate you guys.

Let me guess. Here comes the egg cannon,

followed by fake ice cubes
with bugs in 'em.

Look, a nice flower.

Who's the dummy now, Zeke?

All right, all right, I'm done,
let me off.

Zeke, don't stand up.

There's a built-in de-pantser.

Poor Zeke.

Look at the prank cam.

Okay.
Time for the fish...

...flap... ...and slap.

Yuck. Billy, thank goodness.
You gotta get me outta here, man.

- Bleep.
- What the...

Lemon meringue.

The cruelest pie of them all.

The permanent perm of shame.

Egads.

The wall of glue.

I could really use a hand
getting out of this mess.

Not what I meant.

Whoa! No! No!

The vortex of despair!

Whatever comes next
can't be worse than that.

Come on. Not the cathedral
of 1,000 whoopee cushions.

Nine-hundred-ninety-eight,
nine-hundred-ninety-nine.

One thousand.

Zeke!

Zeke, Zeke, speak to me.

I knew I used too much plastic vomit.

Darn my schlo-mentum!

Thanks, Troggies. Such good sports.

Man, Billy.
They even out-pranked me.

Mark that scorecard
with another big, fat zero.

Guess I'll never beat these Troggies
at anything.

- No, I'm not so sure about that, Zeke.
- What?

According to my final calculations,
you did beat the Troggies.

- I did?
- Yes.

At losing.

Zeke, you lost every single time.

So I did beat them at losing.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- In your face, Troggies!
- Troggies.

Yes!

- We won, we won!
- Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

In your, um, facial vicinity.

Yep, looks like another big loss for me.

Sorry, Zeke, but when you got, you got it.

And when I say you got it,
I actually mean I got it.

But you've got it, too, so we both got it.

I got it, you got it, I got it.

I said you've got the wrong number

For the right guy

I'll do the job for you

Just pay the price

Run, run, run away

Baby, stick to the plan
Whoo, whoo

Run, run, run away

Catch me if you can