Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Calzones/Crab Hands - full transcript

Doo doo-doo-doo doo doo

Do doo-doo-doo doo doo

Billy Dilley, we're subterranean

Billy Dilley, you're such a brainy kid

Billy Dilley, it's fascinating how

Billy Dilley, it's complicated now

Billy Dilley, situation critical

Billy Dilley, I hope it's fixable

Billy Dilley,
- ooooh

Billy Dilley

Wheel of Chores!



Wheel of Chores!

C'mon, good chore, good chore...

"Stir Compost Pile"

Yes! Last time I stirred
the compost pile I found this!

Rare horned dung beetle.

Man, that is ripe!
It's burning my nostrils, Billy!

All right, all right.
Night-night, Randy.

Your spin, Marsha.

Okay, wheeeee! C'mon, c'mon,
Good chore, good chore...

"Shoo Away Leonard".
Whoo-hoo! Shoo away Leonard!

Shoo, shoo. Shoo, shoo.

Bye, Leonard!

Leonard. They sure grow up fast.
You're next, Zeke.

- Am I? How exciting!
- Isn't it?



- That was sarcasm, Billy.
- Was it?

The stakes are high,
ladies and gentlemen!

This is so exciting!

Good spin! Good spin!

Good spin! Good spin!
Good spin! Good spin!

- Cooking. Great.
- Isn't it?

All right, cooking!

This is my jam. My grandma Tony
used to own a pizza castle in the Valley,

and guess who saved it
from going out of business

with his calzone recipe?

That's right, this guy!

Bleh. I forgot.

All we have is pond scum,
earwig casings

and subterranean tree bark.

What am I supposed to make
with all this?

You got the right idea, Anaximander.
I guess I'll have to improvise.

- Lunch is served.
- What is it, Zeke?

What does it look like?

- It's a calzone.
- Goodie! I love Chinese food.

It's not Chinese. It's Italian.

Well, as the ancient Chinese
proverb goes,

"Digestion is a dish best served cold."

It's all Greek to me.

There better be fortune cookies
after this.

Just eat it.

Told ya this was my jam.

Well, my work here is done.

Zeke! Zeke!
Zeke! Zeke! Zeke!

These calzones!

What? Are they the best things
you've ever eaten or something?

These are the best things
we've ever eaten!

- Or something!
- Thanks.

That's why we're not gonna say it,
we're gonna show it,

with this amazing
King of Calzones trophy!

A trophy?

I've always wanted one of these!
It's so shiny...

It's so cool
how he takes it all in stride.

Big deal? I think so.
A very big deal.

Hail the king, baby!

Zeke is the Calzone King

Zeke is the Calzone King
Zeke is the Calzone King

Here ya go,
more award-winning calzones

- for your consumption.
- Actually, Zeke, we already ate.

All right, that sounds good...
Wait, what?

- You wouldn't believe it!
- We found calzones!

- In a cave!
- Calzones. In a cave.

But about my calzones?

I thought you said they were
the best thing you've ever eaten.

- They were, Zeke.
- Well, then, why did you...

But eating a cave calzone is like...

Riding a mythical beast
through a marinara sky

raining hot, fiery, molten cheese revenge
on my enemies.

- But...
- It's like a calzone-related magic trick

from a professional illusionist.
Try one, Zeke.

Never!

Try one, Zeke.

I don't need to try any cave calzones.
I know mine are the best.

I think mine are the best...

unless they're not.

Only one way to find out.

I'm not here for the cave calzones.

Now, we'll see
who the real King of Calzones is.

Whatcha doin', Zeke?

I'm gagging on this absolutely disgusting,

foul, and downright inedible
cave calzone!

That's not a cave calzone.
This is a cave calzone.

I knew that.

I mean!
These Zeke calzones sure are delicious!

I'll take this and save it for later.
And this...

for never.

Stupid cave calzones.

Morning, Zeke!

Aw, look. Zeke's sleeping
with his trophy.

We're off to pick up another batch
of those cave calzones.

- Wanna come with us?
- Another batch of...

Ya know what?

If you guys think
your precious cave calzones

are so great, then why don't you go
give whoever made them this trophy?

That's a great idea, Zeke!

- See ya later!
- But...

I guess I'm not the King of Calzones
after all.

Nonsense-a!

It's-a-me, your grandma Tony.

Now, what's all-a this
about-a somebody make-a

better calzone than me-a Zeke-a boy?

Now, you be a good-a boy
and go and get your trophy...

before I come-a down there
and take it a-back for you!

- Okay, okay!
- That's me-a Zeke-a boy.

Your right, Grandma Tony.
It's trophy time!

The Calzone King is back!!!

You might-a wanna
get a-dressed first.

Marinara sauce.

And now, we'd like to present you,
Mr. Ogre, Sir...

...this slightly used, second-hand
King of Calzones trophy.

- Me love shiny prizes.
- Hold it!

That trophy belongs to me!

You think your calzone
better than mine?

Yeah, I do!

What you do to prove it?

Calzone cook-off.

Okay.

A cook-off!

How exciting!

You ready, little man?
This point of no return.

Here goes nothin'.

Now we see who best.

It's incredible.

Now me turn.

I guess being Calzone King
was good while it lasted.

Wait.

This calzone...

is amazing!

Really? Do you really think so?

My goodness!

The crust and the sauce,
it all blew my mind!

I could taste the love in every bite!
That's the Zeke difference.

It is? I mean, of course it is.

Me think this belong to you.

Me so proud.

Yeah!

Calzone King!

A fresh batch
from Subterranea-Tania's

undisputed, undefeated,
Number One Cook-off King of Cal...

Calzones are so last week, Zeke.

You gotta get in on these tacos!

- Tacos?
- Yeah!

Who knew Leonard here
was such a cooking whiz?

And now, to test out my newly completed
grafting device

by fusing these two small twigs
into one...

slightly longer twig.

Graftscinating!

Success!

And now to fuse together
a fork and spoon

into one super-duper utensil.

The only question is,
what should I call...

it?

Easy...

Gee, crab hands sure are awesome.

If only I had those incredible
nimble crab hands,

imagine all the things I could do

that I never could before.

But, sadly, I'm stuck with these things!

Or am I?

Crab hands!

I'm now a better Billy!
I've gotta go show Zeke and Marsha!

What? Amazing!

If only I had the sonar ears of a bat,

then I would be an even better,
better Billy.

Let's see what these bad boys can do!

That was batscinating!
I can't wait to show Zeke and Marsha!

Home is still so far away.

This is gonna take forever!

Well, better get while the gettin's good!

Wha... Wow! Look at those legs go!

Look at my useless, fleshy, noodley legs.

But if I had spider legs,
I would be the betterest better

best better Billy better,

ever

Yes! Spare.

Okay, Billy, you're up.

Billy?

Billy?

- Where the heck is he?
- I have no idea.

But on the bright side,
I made nachos.

- Go on, try one.
- Don't mind if I do.

We didn't have nacho chips
or cheese,

so, I made these out of tree bark
and pond algae.

So what do you think?

Not bad.

We really ought to have a chat
with him about sharing.

Hey, you guys!

Y'all ready for some better Billy?

Ta-da!

Billy Dilley, what have you done?

I grafted crab hands, bat ears,
and spider legs onto my body.

- What do you guys think?
- It's unnatural!

- Unnaturally awesome!
- Yeah!

Hey, maybe we should get
some spider legs.

No way! Swapping body parts
with animals

is just plain wrong.

Although I did always wish
I could trade vocal cords

with an elephant seal.

Until I realized I can just make
that noise they do myself!

Aw, don't listen to Marsha.
She's just jealous.

Now, what do you say we go see
how Better Billy handles Bowling Night.

- All right.
- High-five?

Still awesome. Still awesome.

- Okay, Better Billy, you're up.
- Okay.

And now the ball.

I'm not sure this thing
is regulation.

- Billy, that's my face.
- Just checking.

These finger holes are a little tight,
but if I push a little harder...

Like a glove.

I guess just mark me down
for a split.

Dang it, Billy, Marsha was right.
You were better the other way.

You know what? The better Billy
is better than bowling, anyways.

I'm just gonna go to bed.
Throw on my PJs...

and Better Billy
is ready for slumberland.

Better this way.

Better PJs for a better Billy.

You've got a giant pair
of ridiculous bat ears.

How does that make you better?

They help me hear
your hurtful comments better.

Face it, Billy,
your better self isn't working.

I think you better go graft
your old parts back on

before it's too late.

No! Better Billy is better!
You guys just don't get it.

But you know what?
I'll find someone who will!

Yep, this is the life.

I've got everything I could ever want,
just me, myself, and...

this flaming tumbleweed.

Yep, paradise.

It's you!

You guys get the better Billy!

Guys,

is there something
you're trying to tell me?

- You've ruined our lives!
- How did I ruin your lives?

Thanks to you, now we're freaks! Freaks!

You stuck me
with these worthless human hands!

Worthless! Watch this.

See? Worthless!

I wouldn't say worthless.
Here, let me show you.

Ta-da!

- That's actually pretty good.
- What about these ears?

They're useless!
I'm constantly bumping into stuff.

Well, you're not using them correctly.
Here, let me show you.

All right, the ears aren't that bad.

But look at these useless,
fleshy, noodley legs.

- What could you do with these?
- Well, just...

Lame.

Okay, we're convinced.
We'll take your parts back now.

Sure! Let me just grab the old....

Actually, guys,

I think I'll keep my parts.

You see, I realized that the better Billy
is the regular Billy.

Too late! Start grafting!

What? No! Wait...

Oops.

Billy!

- You're back to normal!
- Yeah. Yeah, you guys were right.

The regular Billy really was
the better Billy all along.

- Glad to hear it.
- By the way, you're up.

It's good to be back to normal.

Just let it go.

I said you've got
The wrong number

For the right guy

I'll do a good job for you

Just pay the price

Run, run, run away

Baby, stick to the plan
Whoo whoo

Run, run, run away

Catch me if you can