Big Time Rush (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Big Time Merchandise - full transcript

- Bring on the merchandise.

- I hope we get our own
- special fragrance like Jay z.

- I want to play
- the big time rush video game.

- And I want to play

with the btr zombie attack squad

action figures!

- Have a seat, fellas,

'cause we're all excited to

discover what btr merchandise

lies beneath this shiny cloth.

Hit it, marketers.



- Boys, our crack staff

has spent the last year

researching, developing,

patenting, and testing

the exact merchandise that will

amaze our retail partners.

- Are you ready...

For the big time rush products

- that'll be flying off
- the store shelves

All over the world?

- Bring it on.

- So ready.
- Bring it!

- I present to you

the big time rush...



Toilet scrubbers.

- Big time rush...

Horse shampoo.

- And the big time rush

action set.

- The dolls aren't horrible.

- That say all your favorite

big time catchphrases.

- Let's get some hockey balls

and play a hockey game!

- I made boom-boom,

better change me!

- I love it!

What else do they say?

- ♪ Make it count,
- play it straight ♪

- ♪ don't look back,
- don't hesitate ♪

- ♪ what you want,

what you feel ♪

- ♪ never quit
- and make it real ♪

♪ If you want it all,

lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got

so you got to live it big time ♪

- Excellent work, you two.

- You're really thinking
- outside the box.

- Is there any way we can
- put them back inside the box?

- Yeah, because when I think
- of big time rush,

I think of not horse shampoo!

- These products are unique
- and different,

- Which exactly
- the kind of merchandise

Sam selmart loves.

- Sam selmart?

As in selmart stores?

- Howdy, friends.

- Sam selmart from selmart stores.
- Lookee here, - This week y'all can save

On home electronics, puppet gum,

- and a springmatic turbo
- adjustable bed.

- Now, let me tell
- you something, folks,

- With 1,000 settings, this thing
- will get you out of bed

- Quicker than a rattlesnake
- in a sleeping bag.

Selmart, over 9,000 stores

where you can shop

for more for less for more.

- That's the one.

- Griffin, don't we think that

these products are, uh...

- highly embarrassing?

- And I don't say,
- "I made boom-boom."

All: You just did.

- This is not about
- what you like.

This is about

what Sam selmart likes,

- which is why our marketing team
- is going to pitch these items

To him at 5:00 today

at his annual west coast

product search.

- Keep the prototypes.

Play with the dolls.

Wash a horse.

- I think you'll like these

products as much as we do.

- And I don't want to hear

any complaining

or yelling.

- Okay, Griffin's gone.

- Gustavo, if these end up

on selmart's shelves,

we will be a laughingstock.

- Yeah, I know.

- I hate being laughed at.

- Like that one time
- in the third grade

- When those kids pantsed me
- in the cafeteria.

We said we were sorry.

- And do these guys even look

like a robot zombie attack

squad?

- Kendall's got to go potty!

- I do not say that!

- I have to agree with the guys
- on this one.

These products are total

boom-boom.

- Which is why...

We are taking over

this pitch meeting

and presenting our own

big time merchandise.

- Right.

- Me, you, Kelly, and Carlos
- will stay here

And record new cool catchphrases

for our dolls that aren't:

- Yo, yo, let's get a

hang down low on the snip-snap!

- Yeah, James and I will head up

- our own research
- and development.

- And create a big time product

that Sam selmart

and the whole world will want.

- All right, guys, let's get a

hang down low on the snip-snap.

- Stop it!

- Ah, here come our future

karate champs!

Go team!

No karate in the lobby!

- Hey, I need a new
- palmwoods robe for my mom.

I got a stain on it.

- The amazing Katie knight

can't get a stain out?

- Mom will never know.

Come on, little stain.

Come on, little stain!

Nope.

- Replacement robes
- are available

At the palmwoods store.

- What palmwoods store?

Ding!

- Welcome to
- the palmwoods store.

One palmwoods robe...

45 bucks.

- 45 bucks?

- It has microfibers.

- Okay, we need to combine
- our strengths

- To create the perfect selmart
- merchandising product.

- Mine are high IQ,
- adorable dimples, and chemistry.

And yours are?

- Girls, girls, hair, and girls.

- So with your chemistry genius
- and my knowledge of girls,

- We can create
- a totally awesome...

- chemistry girl?

- Perfume.

- Bieber's got one.
- Usher's got one.

- And we smell way better
- than them.

- I'll set up a minilab

- while you gather up
- all of our favorite odors

To combine into btr's

signature scent.

- Smellevate.

- Which we'll name later.

- Smellevate is a great name!

- Dogs, I passed your dolls'

voice chips into the board

so we can record new, cooler

big time catchphrases.

Okay, Carlos is up first.

Action!

- The robot zombies

are attacking!

Quick,

target their reactor hearts!

- Pew, pew, pew!
- Pew, pew, pew...

- cut!

What are you doing?

- I believe
- it's the big time rush

Action set defeating

the evil robot zombies.

- We don't say that.

- Well, we would if we were

being attacked by evil robot

zombies.

- Okay, Kendall, you're up next.

Action!

- I'm Kendall.

Be cool, everybody.

- "Be cool"?

Hey, I'm Kendall.

Be cool everybody.

- It's a lot better than
- "pew, pew, pew."

- Are you kidding me?

"Be cool" is stupid!

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, you're stupid.

- No, you're stupid.
- No, you're stupid.

- No, your voice is stupid!

- Shut it!

Shut it forever!

- Please, stop it,
- are you out of your...

- I don't even care anymore!

- Okay, let's try that again.

- Hiyah!

- I said no karate in the lobby!

What now?

- A new robe.

- The one you sold me
- doesn't have a belt.

- Sorry, no refunds, returns,
- or exchanges.

Palmwoods store policy.

- What?
- You sold me a defective item.

- If you have a complaint,

call customer service.

- Oh, I'm calling.

- Palmwoods store customer
- service.

This is Reginald.

How may I help you?

- This isn't over!

- Some crushed pine needles

to remind us

of our Minnesota roots.

- A pinch of powdered
- hockey puck

To evoke our favorite sport.

- A splash
- of our favorite juice...

Juice box juice!

- Whoo!

- Okay, anything else?

- Perhaps some spice to capture

btr's zest for life.

- Perfect.
- Okay, now hurry up.

- The selmart pitch
- is in 45 minutes,

- And I still have to make
- a fancy box.

- Okay.
- Spice.

Spice.

Spicy spice.

- Spicy spice,
- where are you, spicy spice?

No, uh-uh, no.

- Okay, two more super cool

big time rush catchphrases.

And a-go!

- Got to live it big-time!

- Helmets rule!

- Perfect!

Okay, and now to drag

the voice files

onto the dolls' voice chips.

And we are ready

for our selmart pitch.

- Are you sure you did that
- right?

- I'm sure we don't have time
- to talk about it!

- But do you have time
- to experience...

- The one scent that is bold
- enough to be called...

Smellevate.

- Uh, no!

- Because we need
- to come up with a plan

- To get rid of Griffin's
- marketing team

- So that we can take over
- that pitch meeting

With Sam selmart.

On it!

- No tree hats!

- Um, tree hats have solved

a lot of problems.

- And they're awesome.

- Yeah, do you have
- a better idea?

- Huh?

- Well, uh, there's...

- Hello,

Griffin's marketing team?

- Yes, this is selmart west coast
- headquarters.

We're gonna need to cancel

- that merchandising meeting
- that you had today.

Mr. Selmart's feeling ill.

Nice!

- Let's go!

- Oh, yeah.
- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Who in the name

of candied yams are you?

- We are the big time

marketing team

of Kendall, James, Carlos,

Logan, Gustavo, and Kelly.

- Do me the names.

I'm gonna call y'all "clem."

What you got, clem?

- Sir, I'm sure you'll agree,

- the items under this fancy,
- shiny...

- stop right there, big clem.

You see them boxes behind you?

They are empty.

- I want to fill 'em
- with merchandise,

- Get 'em to my stores,
- and make me some money.

- Now, quit tickling
- my side parts and pitch me.

- Right!

- The first item
- you're going to see

Is a classic.

The big time action set.

- Which includes

some of your favorite

big time catchphrases.

- You're stupid.

- You're stupid!

- Them dolls just sass me?

- Uh, no, no, no.

- Wh-what the doll was supposed
- to say is...

- shut it!

Shut it forever!

- And, now,

here is James and Logan

to show you the next product

you are sure to love!

- We would like you to be
- the first to experience

Btr's new fragrance...

- A spicy, contemporary scent

that says

you want to live it big-time.

Smellevate.

- Ah!

Oh, my seein' eyes!

Oh, I'm temporarily blind!

Oh, it burns!

Both: What did you put in there?

- Logan said to make it spicy.

- I said to add spice,

like cinnamon or nutmeg!

It burns!

- So no to the habañero

hot sauce?

- Sorry!
- Walk it off!

- And in our big story today,

mega retailer Sam selmart

was injured

in a merchandise meeting

gone horribly awry.

- While being airlifted
- to the hospital, selmart said,

"a blind salesman is like

a donkey with a hangnail.

You can lead him to the barn,

but he'll still call you Susan."

- Griffin,

before you say anything...

We can fix this.

- Let me guess.

It involves a crank phone call,

breaking and entering,

and tree hats.

- We weren't actually

gonna break anything.

- Tree hats don't work in the
- high stakes business world.

- What might work
- is the personal apology

You're going to give

Sam selmart today.

Yeah, guys, let's go apologize.

We should go say sorry to Sam!

Okay, yeah, maybe we should just

stop talking, because...

- And after you apologize,

- I'll be there to
- personally pitch the products

Sam was supposed to see

yesterday at 5:00.

- The toilet brushes,
- the horse shampoo,

- And the dolls that do not
- tell selmart

To "shut it, shut it forever."

- Griffin, if people see these
- products, they'll laugh at us.

- I hate when people
- laugh at me...

- That one time at summer camp
- when those guys

- Put a sign on my back that said,
- "fart on me."

We said we were sorry.

- And now you're going to say
- you're sorry to Sam selmart.

And pitch these products.

- What do your dolls have to say
- now?

- Let's go tell Sam we're sorry!

- Whatever Griffin says.

- Yeah, great plan, boss!

- Away we go!

- Break it, break it.

- I said no karate in the lobby.

How can i...

- I want my belt.

I bought a robe.

Robes come with belts.

I want my belt.

So just reach down there,

open up another robe,

and give me the belt.

- If I did that, then I'd have
- a robe without a belt,

Which I can't sell,

and I'd be out $45.

And personally,

I'd prefer if you were out $45.

- Haven't you ever heard
- the expression

"the customer's always right"?

- I don't listen to hip-hop.

- If you've got a problem,
- call customer service.

- Don't...

Move.

Pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone.

- You've reached the palmwoods
- store customer service line.

- We're experiencing
- high call volume.

Your current wait time is

long.

♪ Ba, ba-da, ba, ba,

ba-da-da-da ♪

- Howdy, Arthur.

- Sam.

- Hey, boys.

Blind anyone lately?

- We are so sorry.

- So sorry!

- "Sorry" doesn't trim
- the whiskers

On the admiral's beard, does it?

- But I will forgive you
- if you pitch me some merchandise

- I can sell in my stores
- and make money with.

- Sam, my research
- and development team

At rcm/cbt globalnet/sanyoid

- has some exciting big time
- merchandise.

It's gonna fly off your shelves!

- Well, I sure hope
- they're better products

- Than that last jackalope done
- tried to pitch me.

- Katy Perry horse shampoo
- and toilet scrubbers

- With one direction's face
- on them.

- Why in the world would I want
- to scrub my John with Liam?

- Which is why

you're going to love

the all new and improved

big time rush action set.

- Ooh.

- I made boom-boom.

Better change me!

- Boom-boom?

- That ain't the kind of action
- I want.

I want kung fu grip

and superpower.

- Oh, oh, oh, these dolls,

they fight zombie robots.

- Yeah, yeah, and they go,
- "pew, pew!"

- Pew, pew?

Now, I like me some pew, pew.

What else they do?

- Uh... they fly!
- Darn tootin' they fly.

- I love me some flyin'!

How do they fly?

- Oh, well, like this!

Beep!

Crash!

Well, he said he loved flying.

- No refunds and no returns?

No way.

- I said no karate in the lobby!

- If he doesn't want to give me
- the belt,

I'll just take it myself.

Bingo.

- Welcome to
- the palmwoods store.

One robe will be $45.

- I don't have $45.

- Well, then you don't have
- a robe.

- I will haunt you

until I get my belt.

- From the moment you open
- this stupid palmwoods store

Until the minute you close,

I will be there.

I gave you $45,

and I will get my money's worth.

- I'm so scared.

- How long has he been in there?

- About an hour and 23 minutes.

- I think he's almost finished,
- though.

- And we're finished.

Because selmart stopped selling

- big time rush's music
- in his stores.

- Which accounts for 50%

of our album sales.

- Actually, 72%.

- It's over.

- I pitched
- horrible product ideas,

- Launched the world's richest ceo
- over our heads,

And killed your music career

in less than three minutes.

- Griffin, we can fix this.

- How?

- We're banned from selmart's
- west coast headquarters

- And blocked
- from all his phone lines.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Definitely

probably not.

- Ah!

Fine. You want a belt?

I'll get you a belt.

Welcome to the palmwoods store.

Here.

Here's your belt.

- That's a tie
- from the lost and found.

- No, it's a belt!

- And it's not only stylish.
- It's functional!

And it's sturdy

and can be used to hold

your robe together.

- You think you could beat me
- in a fight?

Well, bring it on!

- You heard him, guys.

Karate in the lobby!

- No!

No, no, no!

- They all did great today.

They all got promoted

from their white belts.

- Can I have one of those?

- You can have them all.

No, Billy, the solar plexus.

A little higher.

- [Kids yelling
- and punches landing]

- Okay, so say we get
- into the building, then what?

- We do what we do best.

Sing.

- We show off our voices.

- And not toilet scrubbers.

- He sees we're a great band

- and puts our music back
- on the shelves.

- And we go back to the way
- it was.

- And forget about this whole
- merchandise thing.

- I see two flaws
- with your plan.

What?

- Them.

- Don't any of you guys move.

Both: We got this.

Smellevate!

- Is this going well?

It's about average.

- Go, go, go!

- Well, glad you're back, boys.

- Gives me a chance to test the
- best product I've seen so far,

The xr4-17 pineapple Cannon.

- These bad boys can knock
- a Billy goat off a barn roof

- And make fruit salad
- at the same time.

- Looks like your tree hats
- couldn't save us after all.

- Oh, whoa, whoa, rope it in,
- there, junior.

- What in the name of all things
- moist and meaty is on your head?

Tree hats?

- Tree hats.

What are they?

- Uh, they help you...

With, uh, with things.

- Stylish.
- Biodegradable.

- Keeps you cool in the summer,
- warm in the winter.

I love 'em!

I'm gonna call 'em...

Tree hats!

- Wait, let me get this
- straight,

You want to buy these?

- I want 200,000 of 'em, son.

- I'm gonna put 'em in my boxes
- and sell 'em all over the world.

Money!

Ow.

- But we thought you hated us.

- Pretty clem,
- let me tell you a story.

- A feller once stabbed me
- in the foot with a penknife.

- Darn near took off
- my whole big toe.

You want to know what I done?

I bought every knife that fella

had and made me rich as midas.

What do you say, son?

We got a deal?

- And you'll keep selling

big time rush's music?

- Does an aardvark fart
- in a park on Tuesday?

- I don't know what that means.
- Uh, I'm not really sure.

- Yes I'll keep selling

your "music."

Whoo-hoo!

- Boys, we have to say

we completely underestimated

your merchandising

and marketing genius.

- The tree hats are making
- Sam selmart...

Very happy.

- They're making me

lots of money.

- In fact, Sam is so impressed
- with you guys,

He's gonna be investing in some

of your other product ideas.

What other

product ideas?

- Howdy, friend, Sam selmart

here with this week's specials.

- Come on down to selmart and get
- yourself a big time tree hat

For only $24.99.

- And while you're here,
- why not get yourself

A big time rush

robot zombie action set!

Pew, pew!

And they fly!

And for you weekend gardeners,

ain't nothin' keeps pests

and bugs away like smellevate.

Proven, tested,

and effective on me.

Selmart, where you can shop

for more for less for more.

Ow!

- ♪ Step it up,

get in gear ♪

- ♪ go for broke,
- make it clear ♪

- ♪ make it work,

get it right ♪

♪ Go and make your luck

with the life you choose ♪

♪ if you want it all,

lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got

so you got to live it big time ♪