Big Time Rush (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 12 - Big Time Bloopers - full transcript

- Is it time?
- It's time.

Carlos, do the honors.

Whow!
Free hair gel!

Yea, funny, very funny.
Now, where's the free hair gel?

How's the sweatiest is this.
It's like a vacation with singing.

It's a sing-cation.

Ok guys, dry off and get dress.
It's time to hit the studio.

Kelly!

What does the great Gustavo Roque
have in store for us?

- Harmonies?
- Breaking down some new dance moves.

A big Hollywod party to get us
some "red carpet exposure?"?



Close.
You're going to school.

- School?
You're kidding, right?

- Carlos, for the 11th time...
I'm not kidding.

You all thought
you were gonna get

Three months off from school?

- It was more "hope"
than "thought."

- According to

The actors, singers,
and performers association,

Kids under 18
in the entertainment industry

Must attend four hours of school
a day.

Did you even look at
the pamphlets I gave you?

- oh!

Yeah!

- Yeah, we looked at them.
- A little bit.



- Tyler,
where's everybody going?

- To school at the Palm Woods.

Good morning, miss Collins.

- Today, class, we're gonna
learn about fractions.

And I thought
a fun way to do this

Would be
if we divided up some...

Pies.

Ooh.

- I love fractions.

- I love pie.

- And after we cut them,

I guess we'll have to eat them.

- I think
we're gonna like it here.

- Oh, no.

You guys
aren't going to school here.

- Well, what school
are we going to?

- Welcome
to the School of Rocque.

- I don't like this school.

- Quiet.

You love it!

Because by studying here,

You won't miss out
on rehearsal time

And recording sessions.

Instead of lunch break,

The School of Rocque
has harmony breaks.

And every field trip is to
the dance studio down the hall.

- And you're our teacher?

- No.

- Guys, say "Hi" to Mr. Smitty.

- But you all can call me
"Mr. Smitty."

Thank you so much.

I can take it from here.

Okay, then.
Oh, excuse me.

First up,

We have probabilities...

As in the probability
that this band will fail

Before its first single
is ever released.

- I don't think
we're getting pie.

Thud!

- Mom, I don't need
homeschooling.

I can go to
the Palm Woods school.

Tyler says the teacher
is really cool.

- Hey, I'm cool.

And this is a chance for us
to spend time together.

In the fresh air.

So...

Let's start with math.

Hmm.

Negative integers.

"find the absolute value of 'x'
with respect to"...

Let's start with history,

Where today we'll talk about...

The Peloponnesian war?

Hi.

I understand you have a school
at the Palm Woods.

- Good, then we're done.

- Uh, no.

What I mean is, I'd like
to enroll Katie in the school.

- Does she work in tv?

- S watches tv.

- In accordance
with our A.S.P.A. mandate,

In order to attend our school,

A student must be a member
of the union.

To get into the union,

She'll have to get a job in tv,
film, or music.

And for that, she'll need...

A talent manager.

Now,

I get 15% of all her earnings.

- 5% or we walk.

- Deal.

Here's a list
of open casting calls.

If she lands a commercial,

She gets into the school

And daddy gets some
walkin'-around money.

Snap!

-The answer is, "x" equals 9.

- You know,
I used to be in a boy band once.

Oh,
and we thought we had it made.

Hot songs.

Flying business class.

Drinking milk
straight from the carton.

But let me tell you guys

That that milk goes sour
pretty fast.

- I never thought I'd say this,
but can we get back to math?

- Yes, yes.

Let's get back to math.

So...

If four boys are in a band

Making $10,000,

Their manager gets 15%,

Their record sales plummet 80%,

What part of their dream
is crushed?

Anyone?
Anyone?

Anyone?

All of it!

Let's turn to page 562
in our textbooks.

- What do you guys suppose
is going on

At the palm wood school
right now?

- Okay, class,
your math homework tonight

Is to play video games.

What's our English assignment?

- To throw away your textbooks.

And if you reach
into your desks,

You'll find today's
science project, which is...

Water fight!

- Pay attention

To the board.

- Did you guys just have

The same Palm Woods school
fantasy as me?

- Was the history assignment
bungee jumping?

- Close enough.

- We have got to get out of here
and into that school.

- Follow my lead.

- Hey, hey, hey.

No talking.

All eyes on the board.

The board!

The board!

- Mr. Smitty,
do that again.

- What, this?

- Did you guys see that?
- Mm-Hmm.

- The passion, the snap,

You can't teach that.

- Really?

Well, I have to admit,

I was pretty good.

- Which is why
you can't give up your dream.

I mean, sure, you may be
too old for a boy band,

But you're perfect for u uh...

- A man band!

- Uh, yes.
- Yeah.

- Which are all the rage
these days.

Right?

- In Germany.

- You got a demo?

I bet it's hot.
Yeah?

- No, no, no.

I flung those all
into the ocean.

- Then we got to record you one
right now.

- No, no, no.
We couldn't do that.

It was a long time ago.

I've put this all behind me.

- That was great.

- Oh, so good.
So good.

- Yes!

- They're gonna love you
in Germany.

- Ja voll!

- Here's your super hot demo.

- Here's your briefcase.

- Yes!

One-way ticket to Dusseldorf.

- Oh, what can I say, fellas,
except...

Auf wiedersehen?

Hoo!
Yeah!

- Okay.

Now to tell Gustavo
our teacher bailed,

And we need to go
to the Palm Woods school and...

- Oh, of course
you can go there.

Now that your teacher
is off to Germany,

There's really
no other option except...

Kelly, get them another teacher!

Someone untrickable!

- Man, we were so close.

- No, you weren't.

- "does a bear
poop in the forest?

It does if it takes poopenusil."

- You know, sweetie,

I think
you have a certain quality

That no one else here has.

- I don't know if she's right
for a laxative commercial,

But come back tomorrow.

They want a cute kid
for a potato chip spot.

- Can I fire you?

- No, I'm your mother.

- So...

You didn't like
your first teacher?

Well, I didn't like him either.

The moment he felt the heat,
he ran for cover.

But me?

I'm battle-tested.

I have a black belt,

And I'm not afraid
to hit you with it.

And there is nothing,

Nothing you can say or do

To get me to leave.

- Here's the keys
to the Porsche out front.

Leave now and it's yours.

- Kelly!

Have you seen the keys to my...

- You know
he's not gonna give up.

- Kelly,

A proper education
is very important to us,

And this is a supply closet.

- Attention, students.

Please report
to principal Rocque's office.

All students
to principal Rocque's office.

- Boys, I care about you.

I do.

- And I would like to tell you
a story from my youth.

My principal was a jerk.

And I vowed that some day

I would be a principal;

A good one...

Fair,

Pleasant...

- But you're
none of those things.

- Hey!
Things don't always work out!

Bottom line is,

You boys are staying
in the School of Rocque.

End of story.

- But, Gustavo...

Principal Rocque.

It's just,

This school
isn't meeting our social

And educational needs.

We need to go somewhere
that actually feels

Like a real school.

- With girls.
- And field trips.

- And pie!

- You go to my school;
you play by my rules.

And I will find a teacher
that will enforce those rules.

A w.W.E. Superstar
super teacher!

Who are you gonna get?

Chris "the masterpiece" masters?

- I did not see this coming.

- Okay, class,
let's get started.

- Is that really Chris masters?

- That's right.

W.W.E. Champion

And the only
certified A.S.P.A. Teacher

Trained to use the master lock.

- That's right.

And I believe
that the key to a sound mind

Is a healthy body.

So throw your books away.

Throw your books away.

All right.

Now I want you guys
to lift your desks.

- Excuse me?

- Lift your desks!

Now give me 500 desk presses!

Count them out!

One...

Two...
- Up!

- Three...
- Up!

Four...

- I can't take another day
at the School of Rocque.

- I can't move my arms.

- Hey, guys!
High five!

- Tyler,
what are you so excited about?

- Miss Collins says we're
having class outside today!

Class outside...

- All right, class,
it's time for geography,

And you know what that means.

Have fun!

Come o

Come on!

Co on!

- Come on!

You're gonna be late for school.

- Mine had globe beach balls.

- Mine had pool pie.

- Mine had
a low student-teacher ratio.

- But how are we gonna get rid
of Mr. Masterpiece?

- My mom packed us corn chowder
for lunch today, right?

- Katie Knight?

Katie Knight is next.

- We are going to get you into
that Palm Woods school today.

So just go and be yourself.

No, wait!
Don't be yourself.

Be an angel who listens
and is polite.

- Okay, Katie,

Hold up the bag of chips;

Look into the camera.

- When you hear the crunch,
it's a chip.

But when you smell the crunch,
it's o'chippigans.

And when you smell garbage,
it's this commercial.

- Excuse me?

- This stuff is nothing
but a heart attack

That goes good with dip.

I'd be better off
stepping in front of a bus...

Of lard.

- Katie!

- Now let me jot down something

On how fitness and body oil

Helps build
a strong immune system.

- Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Chunky vomit!

- Hey, don't touch that.

Don't touch that.

Germs!

- Oh, good!
- No.

- Those kids are animals!

Thud!

- The A.S.P.A.
Official school registry?

- And it's filled with
every A.S.P.A.-Licensed teacher

That I can and will call.

Every time you chase one off,

I have 10,000
waiting in the wings.

- Whoa!
Thud!

- It's a big book, guys.

Your next teacher
will be here in 30 minutes.

- You play by my rules.

I win!

I'm going to laugh
and leave victorious now.

- Well, I guess we can kiss
the Palm Woods school good-bye.

- Maybe not.

This isn't just
a list of teachers.

It also has the rules every
A.S.P.A. School needs to follow.

- I smell brain.

- Okay, according to this,
we're entitled to hot lunches,

Outdoor breaks, and
interscholastic sports programs.

- We didn't get any of that.

- Exactly.

So if Gustavo
wants to have a school here...

- He's got to play
by these rules.

- I smell plan.

- Kelly!

Which tie makes me look
more principally?

- The ugly one.

- Oh, hey, principal Rocque.

- Hey!

I hope there's a good reason

My control room is filled
with your sweaty socks!

- Well, A.S.P.A. Rule 209

States that all students
must have adequate storage

For personal belongings.

- Which the School of Rocque
hasn't provided.

- Oh, I don't like the sound
of this.

- Hey!

That shelf is for my awards!

- You wouldn't
want to be in violation

Of A.S.P.A. Rules, would you?

- You could lose your business.

- They're right.

- Find a place for the dogs
to keep their smelly stuff,

Which is not in my office!

And where's your teacher?

- Yeah, we told him
A.S.P.A. Ensures teachers

Five paid sick days

And two personal days a year.

- Whoo-hoo!

So long, suckers!

- Sounds like a personal day
to me.

- "all laundry detergents
fight stains.

But for suds-o, it's personal."

I'm not saying this.

- Say it.

We need to get you
into the Palm Woods school.

- Why would they cast her?

She couldn't sell bacon
to a dog.

- What if I kick your bacon?

- Don't stoop to his level,
honey.

Kids.

- Well, I think
she's just adorable,

The way she thinks
she has a chance

Against my Elliot.

I mean, look at her.

- Oh, it's on!

- Your mom is a freak!

Pile driver!

Thud!

Take it back!
- Uncle!

- Okay, next up
is Katie Knight.

Katie?

- She's not getting the part,
is she?

- Keep looking!

There's got to be something
in this book

That will make me win.

- I'm reading through it
for the fourth time!

- Read harder!

- Just let them go to school
at the Palm Woods.

- The day I let them beat me
is the day I...

Is that a goat?

- Every A.S.P.A. School

Has the right
to a school mascot.

- You are familiar
with A.S.P.A.'s stance

On interscholastic athletics,
right?

- Huh?

- Did you see our goat?

We call him Gus.

Gus Tavo.

Get it?

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

- We're playing
the cast of hopeless housewives.

- Oh, don't be fooled
by the score.

We're playing great.

- Go, goats!

Whoo-hoo!

- Hey!

- Hey, if you can't beat them,
join them.

- Get out of my studio!

Get out!
Come on!

Get out...
- oh, I'm in.

- Come on, come on.

- Oh, James!
James!

- Sorry, Gustavo.

We'll get 'em next time.

- Principal's office.

Now!

I am the principal
of the school.

And I do not give in to demands

And hooliganistic tactics
don't scare me.

Sabotage?

Shmoobotage.

You

Cannot

Beat me!

Now, what you've done here
can not

And will not go unpunished.

Which is why I hereby

Expel you!

- What?

What does that mean?

- It means...

You are hereby kicked out
of the School of Rocque!

Now get out.

Go on.

- I guess...

- Move it!

It wasn't easy,

But they needed
to be disciplined.

- So from now on,
I'll pick the guys up

From the Palm Woods school

And bring them here by 12:30.

- Yep.

- Kids don't always get along,

But they do always get dirty.

So if yours are mud-magnets
like mine,

Be sure to use
suds-o laundry detergent.

The only detergent
that knocks out stains.

- Nice job.

- I am loving this town.

- So am I.

- Okay.

Time to do school,
Palm Woods style.

- Hello, ladies.

- Okay, class,
let's start with science.

Where we're gonna talk about
water displacement.

- This school was much more fun
in our fantasies,

Wasn't it?

Yep.