Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Bachelor Party - full transcript
You know you can
still back out of it, right?
What?
I love you, man.
I love you.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
- My... My contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
I am legally blind
without my glasses!
How you doing, man? I'm Johnny.
Hey, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
Man,
the things I used to do to her.
Tiny pomegranates.
Those are awfully fun.
You will never see this again.
Francis,
we may have a situation.
You can't miss it.
It is a big white tent.
Well, actually,
it's more of an adobe cream...
Don't talk to me like that.
I am an inch away from cussing.
So, listen, officer.
Traffic on highway 40
is backed up for miles due to...
Is that a big white tent,
Marianne?
Um, I mean this is a prank call.
Is your refrigerator running?
You better catch it. Ha ha ha!
- We're going to get Grandma!
- I just hope she doesn't stink.
With my heightened senses,
old people smell could kill me.
Man, just thinking about
it makes me smell it.
Skobo, have you met
Alice's grandmother?
Grandmother!
I thought you were
one of the bridesmaids.
Who is this charming young man?
This is Jay Skobinsky.
My best man.
I am so sorry about
the airport screw up.
Don't be. I took a cab.
I'd have been here sooner,
but there was this big,
white thing
wrapped around a truck.
Well, anyway
this nice, young,
foreign fellow drove me,
and I told him to leave me off
about two blocks down the road,
so he won't know where you live.
Where's Janie?
Well, look who's here.
Grandma's a racist.
Little bit.
Hi, Mom.
I'm just so glad that
you could be here
eight hours before the wedding,
so that we could have
the whole afternoon
to spend together, but you know,
I'm kind of in the
middle of a crisis.
- Our tent is gone.
- Well, I'm not surprised.
I told you this was
a bad neighborhood.
Lorna!
What's going on with that tent?
I see, and there's nothing else?
Every tent in the county
has been rented out
to the Ruppart-Chenoweth
wedding.
Those people again.
The only thing available
would be an exterminator's tent,
but those tend to
look like circus tents,
which is another way to go.
The problem there is
they attract stragglers.
Traffic's still a mess.
The good news is
it's not expected to affect the
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding.
Back to you, Marianne.
Listen to me.
I don't know who you are,
but you are going to find
me a tent. Do you hear me?
Steve!
We are in crisis here. I need
you to help me find a tent.
But of course,
there are no tents.
Wow! Wow, that sounds
like a real, thorny problem.
Honey, I would love to help,
but I have to pick up my tux.
Yeah.
I've, put it off far too long.
The last thing you need
is my tux... edo,
stressing you out
while you're
trying to solve this,
this tent problem. Danny!
Round up the boys!
We're going to the tux shop.
- I can't hear you.
- Danny!
Let me just...
What?
- Follow me. We're leaving.
- No, no, no. That is entirely unacceptable.
Just act natural.
I... Steve!
Where are you going?
I am sorry.
This is time-sensitive.
Can I speak to Dina, please?
Let's go, Danny.
But my, my dad won't
be back from spin class
for another half an hour.
No! No!
Don't you put me on hold.
This tent thing is only
going to get worse.
We have to move...
Now.
Let's go. Stay close.
Thank God.
- Thank God.
- What? What?
- We have a tent.
- We do!
Yes, we do!
Now if you could relax
your grip just a little bit.
Just a little. Just pull it up.
Can, can you do
floppy fingers like that?
Hang on.
Thank God that's over.
The girl took my purse!
Mom...
It's right here.
There it is.
Well, I'm so glad
that I could be here with you,
dear.
You know, my biggest regret
is that Daddy couldn't hang on
to see his granddaughter
get married.
Well, that and
fall colors at a summer wedding.
Hi, Grandma.
Alice. You look lovely.
And, Becca...
You're here, too.
Yeah.
Why don't you stay
and have tea with us?
We'd love to. Yeah, man, but...
We gotta go upstairs and
pack Alice for her honeymoon.
Then let me give you some
grandmotherly advice.
This is such a wonderful day.
Promise me you'll
savor it to the fullest.
I will, Grandma.
It'll be the last
happy day of your life.
Ew! Edible panties
from your bridal shower.
These things are so tacky.
- You can have 'em.
- Thank you.
Man! This room.
Richard Grieco
from 21 Jump Street.
Boy! You backed the wrong horse.
God, you know,
I don't think I've been in here
since I used to kick your butt
at Hungry Hungry Hippo,
when we were kids. Remember?
Vaguely.
Shut up!
I thought you broke that
when you threw it across
the room and stomped on it.
I got a new one.
And I got a lot better.
Wow.
You're still not over this.
Yeah, Becca.
It's my wedding day.
I think I have a few
more things to worry about
besides a stupid board game.
- I'm pink.
- I'm always pink.
It's my wedding.
That went quick.
No way they solved
that tent problem yet.
Hey!
Flooring.
We should check it out.
You know, they got this stuff
that looks just like oak,
only it's
it's not oak.
I'd rather check that out.
What? What is it?
Strip club, and it's open!
Danny, I heard you never
had a bachelor party.
Wasn't really into it.
Danny's penis was
under lock and key
but there is no sign
of the warden now.
I say we give this
fine young man
a proper bachelor party.
I'm gonna have to pass.
You know, not on my wedding day.
Yeah, we really don't have time.
Come on, Steve.
No one ever said
on their deathbed,
"I spent too much time
watching strippers."
Am I right, Fred?
You know me.
I love the naked ladies.
The more naked, the better.
Hey, I've got the car keys,
and I'm going in, fellas.
And I thought this
day was gonna suck.
I suppose you wanna go in there,
too.
No, not me.
Let me assure you, Steve,
the only naked woman
I wanna see is your daughter.
Tina.
So nice to see you.
How are things over at the,
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding?
Can't really chitchat, Lorna.
I've gotta get back
and coordinate the
stealth bomber flyover.
On the phone you mentioned
something about butterflies.
Tell me about the tent first.
It's one of our media tents.
Highest quality.
You know my standards.
I have to cram the print press
in with the electronic press,
but they expect to
be abused anyway.
What do you have?
Five thousand
albino monarch butterflies,
to be released
at "I do."
Done.
I'll send Diego with a truck.
Okay. It's a deal.
So, how are you? How's David?
I still have some of his things.
We got engaged.
So, I see he worked through
his commitment issues.
That's great.
Um, well...
I will be completely
professional
if you need a coordinator.
Get real, Lorna.
You lost a tent.
I thought you and Daddy
were so happy.
He was happy
enough for both of us.
But he was such a wonderful man
and a great father.
And he took me everywhere, to
riding lessons,
swimming classes,
ballet lessons
three times a week.
That's where he met the whore.
Madame Genevieve?
She was married and...
He slept with all of them.
Your swimming teacher,
your riding instructor.
- Not my softball coach.
- No.
I can't believe it.
And you kept this
secret all these years?
My God, Mom! Why tell me now?
Ever since your father died,
I've started telling the truth.
Life's too short.
By the way
that necklace looks hideous.
What's your name?
Sequoia.
For the next couple of dances,
your name's Alice.
Even smells hot in here.
That's my cologne, actually.
Yeah, no, I just spritz
a little bit in the air
and walk right through.
This is not that good.
Give 'em a break.
They're morning strippers.
All right, you are my eyes.
Tell me what I'm seeing.
Well, she's really pretty.
Got an aquiline nose,
graceful neck,
alabaster skin...
Nails are fake, though.
Freddy, I'm a simple man.
Tell me about her boobs.
- They're really hot.
- I knew it! I love hot boobs.
Okay,
tell me about her pole work.
Is she really into it,
or is she just phoning it in?
'Cause I hate that.
We're a go on the swap.
I, I'm sorry, Francis,
but we have to keep the
temperature in the truck
very cool for our
little winged friends.
Well, put your turtle
in the front cabin
if you think he's uncomfortable.
Look! I win again.
And with green hippo, even.
What is that, like,
um, ten in a row?
God, I don't know what to say,
except, um...
Guess my hippo was hungrier.
I don't get it!
I've been practicing
and practicing!
How do you practice
Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Okay, set 'em up.
We're going again.
And this time,
I'm the green hippo.
No, it's not even a game.
There's no competition.
I actually think you got worse.
What if I made it interesting?
What, do you wanna play
for your wedding presents?
Yes, I do.
Rack 'em.
Before I speak,
I just want to remind you
that you told me to do
anything to get the tent,
and I have that on tape.
I can't believe he slept
with all those women.
God. Um...
Well, men will be men.
And hey!
We have a tent.
Whoo-hoo!
Of course,
everything has a price.
It's the butterflies.
We had to give up the
butterflies to get the tent.
So, now, there won't
be anything to release
as a symbol
of their ascendant love.
I do think that their love
will still ascend.
Lorna, did you ever
take ballet lessons?
You're in a funny place.
Um, no.
Ballet class was full.
I took clogging class,
but I didn't have the shoes.
I used soup cans on
the bottom of my feet,
and I got kicked out
for tearing up the floor.
So how about, those butterflies?
You're in charge.
I need you now more than ever.
I'm in charge.
Steve, you're a brain surgeon.
You know that Gilligan's Island,
where they all switch brains?
How far away are we from
that kind of technology?
Is that your lifetime?
My lifetime?
I think we need to get back.
Well, I don't wanna go
in there and get them
because they're just gonna
shove a beer in my face
and tell everybody
that I'm getting married.
And... you know,
I do not want a stripper
in my lap on my wedding day.
So they really
dance in your lap?
How long would they do
something like that?
Steve, have...
Have you ever
been to a strip club?
I don't see how that's
any of your business.
Are they totally nude?
I refer you to the sign.
All right, this is ridiculous!
If you're not going to
go in there after them,
I will.
All right, my little friends.
Wake up.
Look at you.
You're all so tuckered out.
I know. It's been a big day.
My.
You're all so cold and stiff.
My! My!
Come on. Come on.
God!
Francis!
Lobster crackers.
Alice,
you know how you kept saying
you wished you could
share this day with me?
I finally feel like you are.
Shut up and play.
I can't take any more
of your wedding presents.
I think that's up to me.
No, you don't have any more.
We could play for
your honeymoon.
No, we don't have to.
I, I must have more
presents downstairs.
Come on.
Come on!
- What do you want?
- Nothing.
Just wanted to
tell you I miss you.
Yeah, yeah. What else?
I'm sorry.
Hang on one second, honey.
- Yes?
- You the groom?
Who's asking?
Sequoia... or Alice.
- Call me anything you want. I'm paid for.
- Danny!
Yeah, I'm sorry, babe.
What were you saying?
- You called me.
- I know...
Hey, hey. Isn't it great
that we're getting married?
- Really, it's good.
- Okay, you know, I gotta go.
I can't hear the music.
Lorna!
Did any presents come for me?
Well... I'm...
I'm sorry.
I can't keep this from you.
I traded your butterflies
for a new tent,
and now the
butterflies are dead.
And your mother put me in
charge of this responsibility,
and it's a disaster.
So, no presents.
I thought it over,
and you have to be mistaken.
I got out my old pictures
from dance class, and well,
Madame Genevieve
was not attractive at all.
The woman had a mustache.
I know this is
difficult for you, dear,
because you loved
your father so much,
but
the simple truth is
that all men cheat.
Even Steve, I'm afraid.
Now, that is just cruel, Mother.
Telephone calls
at all odd hours.
Disappearing in the
middle of the night.
Well, he's a doctor.
Yes...
Just like Daddy.
That's ridiculous.
Steve is not interested
in other women.
More singles!
Hey. Hey.
- We gotta go.
- This is great.
Why don't more men
know about these places?
Man, I can't believe
it's still morning.
Of my wedding day.
My girlfriend in Canada
is gonna be mad at me.
I think "Shampagne"
with an "s" really liked me.
Bright girl, too. Yeah.
Putting herself through school.
Yeah, did you notice how she seemed
to look at me the whole time?
She always picked up
my money first, didn't she?
You guys know, I love my wife.
But another time,
another place...
Who knows?
Damn!
The best lap dance
of my adult life,
and I never even saw her.
Tell me, Freddy,
for use at a later date,
what was her theme? Please
say rodeo. Please say rodeo.
Man! That was fun!
- We ought to do this...
- Is that your neighbor, Steve?
Man! Let's amscray, boys.
Guys?
These are Dad's slippers.
And what is this?
- A toilet brush?
- Come on! Let's play!
No, Alice. I'm done.
God, I even tried to
let you win last time,
and the marbles kept
rolling into my hippo's mouth.
Man! I'm such a loser.
Right. Yeah. You're a big loser.
God! You've got this great life.
Yeah, everybody loves you.
You're marrying this
great guy who adores you.
Dad's throwing you this
amazing wedding.
And what do I have?
I mean, besides all
your wedding presents.
No, look, honey, I don't
wanna fight with you today.
You're my sister.
And I want today to be fun and,
and happy.
I'm sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Are you gonna give me
back my wedding presents?
- Becca.
- Let's not spoil it.
Yeah, at least,
that's what she told me.
Hi, honey.
I got my tux.
Steve, can I see you in
the study, please?
You did nothing wrong, man.
Stay strong.
Jane, this is silly.
- We were only...
- Steve,
have you been cheating on me?
- What?
- My mother told me everything.
Your mother?
What did she tell you?
You're just like my dad.
You know about that.
So you mean it's true?
Stop, Jane.
Listen to me.
I have never cheated on you.
But your father...
Why didn't you tell me?
Why would I tell you?
So everybody knew?
The hospital?
Enough people knew.
I hate him. I just, I hate him.
Baby. Baby,
I know how hurt you must feel.
I'm not going to defend him.
But I will tell you this.
On our wedding day,
he pulled me aside.
I guess he'd had a few.
And he put his hand
on my shoulder,
and he told me that he was
glad I was marrying you.
Because he knew that
I would never treat you
- the way he treated your mother.
-
It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
Honey?
What is that on your head?
Is that... Is that glitter?
Crap.
I hope Alice isn't gonna be
mad we went to that strip club.
Alice!
Sorry, Danny.
You went to a strip club?
It wasn't my idea.
The one next to the tux place
that used to be Chuck E. Cheese?
That's why they had a ball pit.
It was depressing, Al.
You know,
one of the strippers was
nursing her kid.
You poor baby.
I'll tell you what.
When we get to the hotel,
I will give you a lap dance
that'll make you forget
all about our wedding presents.
Hotel.
See?
So alive.
What a marvelous
symbol of life and love
and all things grand.
Whoa!
Settle down, little fella.
But be very careful, Diego.
I'm putting their care
into your hands.
¿Qué?
Nada.
I hate myself.
Shampagne is not a slut.
As soon as she pays
off her plastic surgeon,
she's putting every dime she earns
toward beautician school.
I'm sorry! I didn't realize.
Well, instead of a wedding, maybe
we should just have a fundraiser
to pay off Shampagne's boobs!
You messed up booking
your honeymoon?
Yeah.
Man.
You know what Freud
would say about that?
The girl took my glasses!
It's like staring into the sun
if the sun had boobs.
Dinner's on me!
Wait.
It's Steve. He's a doctor.
A really nice guy.
I'll swing by after work
and drop it off at his place.
My God.
I deserve that.
still back out of it, right?
What?
I love you, man.
I love you.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
- My... My contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
I am legally blind
without my glasses!
How you doing, man? I'm Johnny.
Hey, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
Man,
the things I used to do to her.
Tiny pomegranates.
Those are awfully fun.
You will never see this again.
Francis,
we may have a situation.
You can't miss it.
It is a big white tent.
Well, actually,
it's more of an adobe cream...
Don't talk to me like that.
I am an inch away from cussing.
So, listen, officer.
Traffic on highway 40
is backed up for miles due to...
Is that a big white tent,
Marianne?
Um, I mean this is a prank call.
Is your refrigerator running?
You better catch it. Ha ha ha!
- We're going to get Grandma!
- I just hope she doesn't stink.
With my heightened senses,
old people smell could kill me.
Man, just thinking about
it makes me smell it.
Skobo, have you met
Alice's grandmother?
Grandmother!
I thought you were
one of the bridesmaids.
Who is this charming young man?
This is Jay Skobinsky.
My best man.
I am so sorry about
the airport screw up.
Don't be. I took a cab.
I'd have been here sooner,
but there was this big,
white thing
wrapped around a truck.
Well, anyway
this nice, young,
foreign fellow drove me,
and I told him to leave me off
about two blocks down the road,
so he won't know where you live.
Where's Janie?
Well, look who's here.
Grandma's a racist.
Little bit.
Hi, Mom.
I'm just so glad that
you could be here
eight hours before the wedding,
so that we could have
the whole afternoon
to spend together, but you know,
I'm kind of in the
middle of a crisis.
- Our tent is gone.
- Well, I'm not surprised.
I told you this was
a bad neighborhood.
Lorna!
What's going on with that tent?
I see, and there's nothing else?
Every tent in the county
has been rented out
to the Ruppart-Chenoweth
wedding.
Those people again.
The only thing available
would be an exterminator's tent,
but those tend to
look like circus tents,
which is another way to go.
The problem there is
they attract stragglers.
Traffic's still a mess.
The good news is
it's not expected to affect the
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding.
Back to you, Marianne.
Listen to me.
I don't know who you are,
but you are going to find
me a tent. Do you hear me?
Steve!
We are in crisis here. I need
you to help me find a tent.
But of course,
there are no tents.
Wow! Wow, that sounds
like a real, thorny problem.
Honey, I would love to help,
but I have to pick up my tux.
Yeah.
I've, put it off far too long.
The last thing you need
is my tux... edo,
stressing you out
while you're
trying to solve this,
this tent problem. Danny!
Round up the boys!
We're going to the tux shop.
- I can't hear you.
- Danny!
Let me just...
What?
- Follow me. We're leaving.
- No, no, no. That is entirely unacceptable.
Just act natural.
I... Steve!
Where are you going?
I am sorry.
This is time-sensitive.
Can I speak to Dina, please?
Let's go, Danny.
But my, my dad won't
be back from spin class
for another half an hour.
No! No!
Don't you put me on hold.
This tent thing is only
going to get worse.
We have to move...
Now.
Let's go. Stay close.
Thank God.
- Thank God.
- What? What?
- We have a tent.
- We do!
Yes, we do!
Now if you could relax
your grip just a little bit.
Just a little. Just pull it up.
Can, can you do
floppy fingers like that?
Hang on.
Thank God that's over.
The girl took my purse!
Mom...
It's right here.
There it is.
Well, I'm so glad
that I could be here with you,
dear.
You know, my biggest regret
is that Daddy couldn't hang on
to see his granddaughter
get married.
Well, that and
fall colors at a summer wedding.
Hi, Grandma.
Alice. You look lovely.
And, Becca...
You're here, too.
Yeah.
Why don't you stay
and have tea with us?
We'd love to. Yeah, man, but...
We gotta go upstairs and
pack Alice for her honeymoon.
Then let me give you some
grandmotherly advice.
This is such a wonderful day.
Promise me you'll
savor it to the fullest.
I will, Grandma.
It'll be the last
happy day of your life.
Ew! Edible panties
from your bridal shower.
These things are so tacky.
- You can have 'em.
- Thank you.
Man! This room.
Richard Grieco
from 21 Jump Street.
Boy! You backed the wrong horse.
God, you know,
I don't think I've been in here
since I used to kick your butt
at Hungry Hungry Hippo,
when we were kids. Remember?
Vaguely.
Shut up!
I thought you broke that
when you threw it across
the room and stomped on it.
I got a new one.
And I got a lot better.
Wow.
You're still not over this.
Yeah, Becca.
It's my wedding day.
I think I have a few
more things to worry about
besides a stupid board game.
- I'm pink.
- I'm always pink.
It's my wedding.
That went quick.
No way they solved
that tent problem yet.
Hey!
Flooring.
We should check it out.
You know, they got this stuff
that looks just like oak,
only it's
it's not oak.
I'd rather check that out.
What? What is it?
Strip club, and it's open!
Danny, I heard you never
had a bachelor party.
Wasn't really into it.
Danny's penis was
under lock and key
but there is no sign
of the warden now.
I say we give this
fine young man
a proper bachelor party.
I'm gonna have to pass.
You know, not on my wedding day.
Yeah, we really don't have time.
Come on, Steve.
No one ever said
on their deathbed,
"I spent too much time
watching strippers."
Am I right, Fred?
You know me.
I love the naked ladies.
The more naked, the better.
Hey, I've got the car keys,
and I'm going in, fellas.
And I thought this
day was gonna suck.
I suppose you wanna go in there,
too.
No, not me.
Let me assure you, Steve,
the only naked woman
I wanna see is your daughter.
Tina.
So nice to see you.
How are things over at the,
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding?
Can't really chitchat, Lorna.
I've gotta get back
and coordinate the
stealth bomber flyover.
On the phone you mentioned
something about butterflies.
Tell me about the tent first.
It's one of our media tents.
Highest quality.
You know my standards.
I have to cram the print press
in with the electronic press,
but they expect to
be abused anyway.
What do you have?
Five thousand
albino monarch butterflies,
to be released
at "I do."
Done.
I'll send Diego with a truck.
Okay. It's a deal.
So, how are you? How's David?
I still have some of his things.
We got engaged.
So, I see he worked through
his commitment issues.
That's great.
Um, well...
I will be completely
professional
if you need a coordinator.
Get real, Lorna.
You lost a tent.
I thought you and Daddy
were so happy.
He was happy
enough for both of us.
But he was such a wonderful man
and a great father.
And he took me everywhere, to
riding lessons,
swimming classes,
ballet lessons
three times a week.
That's where he met the whore.
Madame Genevieve?
She was married and...
He slept with all of them.
Your swimming teacher,
your riding instructor.
- Not my softball coach.
- No.
I can't believe it.
And you kept this
secret all these years?
My God, Mom! Why tell me now?
Ever since your father died,
I've started telling the truth.
Life's too short.
By the way
that necklace looks hideous.
What's your name?
Sequoia.
For the next couple of dances,
your name's Alice.
Even smells hot in here.
That's my cologne, actually.
Yeah, no, I just spritz
a little bit in the air
and walk right through.
This is not that good.
Give 'em a break.
They're morning strippers.
All right, you are my eyes.
Tell me what I'm seeing.
Well, she's really pretty.
Got an aquiline nose,
graceful neck,
alabaster skin...
Nails are fake, though.
Freddy, I'm a simple man.
Tell me about her boobs.
- They're really hot.
- I knew it! I love hot boobs.
Okay,
tell me about her pole work.
Is she really into it,
or is she just phoning it in?
'Cause I hate that.
We're a go on the swap.
I, I'm sorry, Francis,
but we have to keep the
temperature in the truck
very cool for our
little winged friends.
Well, put your turtle
in the front cabin
if you think he's uncomfortable.
Look! I win again.
And with green hippo, even.
What is that, like,
um, ten in a row?
God, I don't know what to say,
except, um...
Guess my hippo was hungrier.
I don't get it!
I've been practicing
and practicing!
How do you practice
Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Okay, set 'em up.
We're going again.
And this time,
I'm the green hippo.
No, it's not even a game.
There's no competition.
I actually think you got worse.
What if I made it interesting?
What, do you wanna play
for your wedding presents?
Yes, I do.
Rack 'em.
Before I speak,
I just want to remind you
that you told me to do
anything to get the tent,
and I have that on tape.
I can't believe he slept
with all those women.
God. Um...
Well, men will be men.
And hey!
We have a tent.
Whoo-hoo!
Of course,
everything has a price.
It's the butterflies.
We had to give up the
butterflies to get the tent.
So, now, there won't
be anything to release
as a symbol
of their ascendant love.
I do think that their love
will still ascend.
Lorna, did you ever
take ballet lessons?
You're in a funny place.
Um, no.
Ballet class was full.
I took clogging class,
but I didn't have the shoes.
I used soup cans on
the bottom of my feet,
and I got kicked out
for tearing up the floor.
So how about, those butterflies?
You're in charge.
I need you now more than ever.
I'm in charge.
Steve, you're a brain surgeon.
You know that Gilligan's Island,
where they all switch brains?
How far away are we from
that kind of technology?
Is that your lifetime?
My lifetime?
I think we need to get back.
Well, I don't wanna go
in there and get them
because they're just gonna
shove a beer in my face
and tell everybody
that I'm getting married.
And... you know,
I do not want a stripper
in my lap on my wedding day.
So they really
dance in your lap?
How long would they do
something like that?
Steve, have...
Have you ever
been to a strip club?
I don't see how that's
any of your business.
Are they totally nude?
I refer you to the sign.
All right, this is ridiculous!
If you're not going to
go in there after them,
I will.
All right, my little friends.
Wake up.
Look at you.
You're all so tuckered out.
I know. It's been a big day.
My.
You're all so cold and stiff.
My! My!
Come on. Come on.
God!
Francis!
Lobster crackers.
Alice,
you know how you kept saying
you wished you could
share this day with me?
I finally feel like you are.
Shut up and play.
I can't take any more
of your wedding presents.
I think that's up to me.
No, you don't have any more.
We could play for
your honeymoon.
No, we don't have to.
I, I must have more
presents downstairs.
Come on.
Come on!
- What do you want?
- Nothing.
Just wanted to
tell you I miss you.
Yeah, yeah. What else?
I'm sorry.
Hang on one second, honey.
- Yes?
- You the groom?
Who's asking?
Sequoia... or Alice.
- Call me anything you want. I'm paid for.
- Danny!
Yeah, I'm sorry, babe.
What were you saying?
- You called me.
- I know...
Hey, hey. Isn't it great
that we're getting married?
- Really, it's good.
- Okay, you know, I gotta go.
I can't hear the music.
Lorna!
Did any presents come for me?
Well... I'm...
I'm sorry.
I can't keep this from you.
I traded your butterflies
for a new tent,
and now the
butterflies are dead.
And your mother put me in
charge of this responsibility,
and it's a disaster.
So, no presents.
I thought it over,
and you have to be mistaken.
I got out my old pictures
from dance class, and well,
Madame Genevieve
was not attractive at all.
The woman had a mustache.
I know this is
difficult for you, dear,
because you loved
your father so much,
but
the simple truth is
that all men cheat.
Even Steve, I'm afraid.
Now, that is just cruel, Mother.
Telephone calls
at all odd hours.
Disappearing in the
middle of the night.
Well, he's a doctor.
Yes...
Just like Daddy.
That's ridiculous.
Steve is not interested
in other women.
More singles!
Hey. Hey.
- We gotta go.
- This is great.
Why don't more men
know about these places?
Man, I can't believe
it's still morning.
Of my wedding day.
My girlfriend in Canada
is gonna be mad at me.
I think "Shampagne"
with an "s" really liked me.
Bright girl, too. Yeah.
Putting herself through school.
Yeah, did you notice how she seemed
to look at me the whole time?
She always picked up
my money first, didn't she?
You guys know, I love my wife.
But another time,
another place...
Who knows?
Damn!
The best lap dance
of my adult life,
and I never even saw her.
Tell me, Freddy,
for use at a later date,
what was her theme? Please
say rodeo. Please say rodeo.
Man! That was fun!
- We ought to do this...
- Is that your neighbor, Steve?
Man! Let's amscray, boys.
Guys?
These are Dad's slippers.
And what is this?
- A toilet brush?
- Come on! Let's play!
No, Alice. I'm done.
God, I even tried to
let you win last time,
and the marbles kept
rolling into my hippo's mouth.
Man! I'm such a loser.
Right. Yeah. You're a big loser.
God! You've got this great life.
Yeah, everybody loves you.
You're marrying this
great guy who adores you.
Dad's throwing you this
amazing wedding.
And what do I have?
I mean, besides all
your wedding presents.
No, look, honey, I don't
wanna fight with you today.
You're my sister.
And I want today to be fun and,
and happy.
I'm sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Are you gonna give me
back my wedding presents?
- Becca.
- Let's not spoil it.
Yeah, at least,
that's what she told me.
Hi, honey.
I got my tux.
Steve, can I see you in
the study, please?
You did nothing wrong, man.
Stay strong.
Jane, this is silly.
- We were only...
- Steve,
have you been cheating on me?
- What?
- My mother told me everything.
Your mother?
What did she tell you?
You're just like my dad.
You know about that.
So you mean it's true?
Stop, Jane.
Listen to me.
I have never cheated on you.
But your father...
Why didn't you tell me?
Why would I tell you?
So everybody knew?
The hospital?
Enough people knew.
I hate him. I just, I hate him.
Baby. Baby,
I know how hurt you must feel.
I'm not going to defend him.
But I will tell you this.
On our wedding day,
he pulled me aside.
I guess he'd had a few.
And he put his hand
on my shoulder,
and he told me that he was
glad I was marrying you.
Because he knew that
I would never treat you
- the way he treated your mother.
-
It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
Honey?
What is that on your head?
Is that... Is that glitter?
Crap.
I hope Alice isn't gonna be
mad we went to that strip club.
Alice!
Sorry, Danny.
You went to a strip club?
It wasn't my idea.
The one next to the tux place
that used to be Chuck E. Cheese?
That's why they had a ball pit.
It was depressing, Al.
You know,
one of the strippers was
nursing her kid.
You poor baby.
I'll tell you what.
When we get to the hotel,
I will give you a lap dance
that'll make you forget
all about our wedding presents.
Hotel.
See?
So alive.
What a marvelous
symbol of life and love
and all things grand.
Whoa!
Settle down, little fella.
But be very careful, Diego.
I'm putting their care
into your hands.
¿Qué?
Nada.
I hate myself.
Shampagne is not a slut.
As soon as she pays
off her plastic surgeon,
she's putting every dime she earns
toward beautician school.
I'm sorry! I didn't realize.
Well, instead of a wedding, maybe
we should just have a fundraiser
to pay off Shampagne's boobs!
You messed up booking
your honeymoon?
Yeah.
Man.
You know what Freud
would say about that?
The girl took my glasses!
It's like staring into the sun
if the sun had boobs.
Dinner's on me!
Wait.
It's Steve. He's a doctor.
A really nice guy.
I'll swing by after work
and drop it off at his place.
My God.
I deserve that.