Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Stolen Vows - full transcript

A hearty mavsa to you all!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

My... My contact lenses.

- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!

Um, at... on the actual event, you'll
just wanna slow it down a little bit.

Hi, Mom.

So glad that you could be here
eight hours before the wedding

so that we could have the whole
afternoon to spend together.

What's so funny?

My God!

What?



This is hilarious!

What is it?

- Your vows.
- What!

Becca, give me those!
No one's supposed to see that!

"My real birthday
is the day we met

because my first
breath was you."

What? That's good.

Good? It's fantastic.

You used the word
"magical" like, 14 times.

I mean,
are they really that bad?

I don't want Danny
to be disappointed.

I'm sure his vows will
be just as dippy as yours.

God, I hope so.

Skobo, I'm in trouble.



I got it. Cold feet.

We head for Atlantic City.
I'm driving.

No, that's not it.
The honeymoon is all messed up.

Man, I... I booked it on
this incredible island.

How was I to know
that the staggering gap

between rich and poor,
which the hotel assured me

would be hidden behind
an attractive palm grove,

would lead to a military coup?

That doesn't
seem like your fault.

It's not!

Except that I've
known for a week

that the rebel army is using
our hotel as headquarters,

and I haven't told Alice.

All right! Atlantic city, baby!
I'm driving.

I was just hoping the
whole thing would blow over,

or the UN would send
in peacekeeping forces.

But China's vote in
the security council,

it totally screwed me.

Damn you, China!

I'm just gonna have
to tell Alice the truth.

Tru... Truth? Hey, man!

That's weak.

Dan, if you were working with
me at the commodities floor,

you would get eaten, okay?

Men in dark suits
and power ties,

they would smell that
little sweetness in you,

and they would eat you alive!

And while they were
licking up your blood,

they would still get a
good price on pork bellies.

Come on! Baby!

No.

This is what we're gonna do.

No. No, that's okay.

Skobo is going to get
you your honeymoon back, okay?

And when Skobo refers to
himself in the third person,

he means business.

You've still got that
horrible picture up.

All those hours
sitting for that artist,

and you didn't think to run
a comb through your hair?

Becca's gonna set
fire to something.

You can see it in her eyes.

Who are you calling?

My assistant.

Abby,
how is your uncle's funeral?

Did you get the flowers I sent?

Well, did you send them?

Look, I need to roll calls,
okay?

First, get me Lawrence.

And can you pull
yourself together, please?

I play golf with this guy.

Mother,
here's something you'll like.

I thought it would be
fun to put out photos

from all the family
weddings over the years.

Here's you and Daddy
and Steve's parents,

and, well, me and Steve.

Great.

Remind everyone how ridiculous
you looked in that hat.

I liked that hat.

At least,
it took everyone's mind

off that absurd chicken
vindaloo you served.

The truck with the ice
sculpture broke down.

Don't panic.

An associate is bringing
it in a support vehicle.

Francis, it's here.

Have Carl bring it in.

And bring me a fudgy pop.

Lorna, have you ever
had to deal with someone

who never listens
and always criticizes you?

But I never sent that letter.

My mother is driving me crazy.

I hear you.

My mother can be so demanding.

"Wash the dishes, Lorna.
Go to the post office, Lorna.

Put on my leg, Lorna."

Put on your own leg, Mommy!

Well, at least,
when you walk out of the room,

she can't follow you.

When she gets a bee in her
bonnet, she can hop pretty fast.

So then babysitting
my mother for a few hours

shouldn't be a big deal to you.

Mother?

Lorna here thinks that
tomatoes are a vegetable.

But I,
I thought I was going to...

What in the Sam Hill?

Your daughter is a
very lovely woman.

Great!
She sticks me with a lesbian.

You better not try to get
me drunk and kiss me.

Hey, Mom.

Darling,
would it kill you to run a comb

through that hair?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Remember how we decided
not to show each other our vows

before the wedding?

Do you think
we should still do that?

Actually, I've been thinking,

and the vows are
really important.

I mean, they're what we're gonna
remember for the rest of our lives.

Not what we do for the
next eight days, seven nights.

Right.

Right.

Okay.

Steve,
my mother is driving me...

My God!

Steve!

He's in our bed.

- Who?
- Practically naked.

The Garf.

I'm so sorry.

My dad was tired,

so I told him he could take
a nap in the spare room.

He's not good with directions,

or boundaries,

- or pants. I'll get him.
- No.

I'll get him, sport. Me and the Garf
are gonna have a friendly little talk.

Garf?

Garf?

Garf?

Wake up!

Steve!

My God!

You beautiful,
beautiful man, you're alive!

Do you think...
maybe you could...

I just dreamt you died

today.

Danny!

You don't understand!

I have precognitive dreams.
They always come true.

I can't hear you until
you put some pants on.

It's just,
the dream was so vivid.

And now...

It's like I'm
looking at a ghost.

Steve.

I'm so glad I got to know
you while you were still alive.

Danny!

Here it is.

Danny writes everything
important in here.

You know, no. I can't do this.

I can't look at his vows.

- You do it.
- Cool.

That way, if you start laughing,

I'll know his suck, and I have
nothing to worry about.

Are they bad?

I'm just looking at
his drawings of his dream camp.

"Camp Awesome"?

Yes, Camp Awesome.

I mean, I like the monorail,
but... I don't know

if the loop-the-loop waterslide
is physically possible.

Look, you can get your picture
taken with The A-Team.

And then I went to DJ school,
but I choked on the final.

And then I went to school
to become a dental hygienist,

only to find out that I have
a fear of that little thing

in the back of your throat.

And just when I thought
I was gonna have to get back

on the clinical
drug testing circuit,

I realized

wedding planners don't
need any qualifications.

Don't take this the wrong way,
dear,

but you're a drip.

I'm gonna talk to Jane.

Um, um...

But, um...

Jane asked not to be disturbed.

So, wait, wait, wait!

Um, I have a story.

I don't want...

About a,

a lamp!

A lamp, yes.

Um, this lamp.

This lamp has got...

It's a magic lamp!

Shoot!

Are you really magic?

Make this a good wedding.

How you feeling?

Alive, thanks for asking.

I know that as a man
of logic and reason,

you're skeptical
of my premonitions.

But you have to admit

that the world is full
of weird and wonderful things

that science cannot explain.

Like rainbows.

They're light refracted
by water vapor.

Really?

You know, I'm, actually in
the middle of an article here...

Denial, that's totally natural,

but considering how
pressed you are for time,

I would move on to anger.

- I'm there.
- Good. Good.

Sweet mother of God!

You okay?

I think so. I think so.

Skobo, what do you got?

I have a honeymoon
that's going to

blow your mind!

Southeast Asian resort,
all-inclusive,

private cabanas on the beach

daily massage, erotic

group adventures?

Skobo...

This is a sex tour.

Yes, it is, but I would
like you to think of it

more as a bed-and-breakfast.

You don't have to mingle, and I'm
pretty sure Alice stays for free.

"Nightly drinks
in the swap hut."

Skobo!

I'm not taking a sex
tour on my honeymoon!

Dan-o, isn't every
honeymoon a sex tour?

Garf...

Not that I'm taking
your dream seriously,

but, um...

You know,
I'm... I'm just curious...

How'd you see it happening?
Was it a

falling ladder, or...

No,
I only wish it was that quick.

No.

Let me just reassure you,

you have nothing to worry about.

So you're saying that,
that I'm not going to die?

No. You're gonna die.

It's your fate.

There's just nothing
you can do about it.

The fact that it's going
to be slow and messy,

that... that's our problem to
deal with after you're gone.

What am I doing?

This is... so absurd.

You know what?
I am just gonna go

and enjoy the rest
of my daughter's wedding day.

You are one brave man,
Steve Hopkins.

You're going to hug me again,
aren't you?

I'm thinking about it.

"If life were a game of Jeopardy

and the answer is 'my soul mate,
'

"the question would be,
'Who is Alice?'"

That is horrible.

My vows are much better.

- Aren't they?
- Your handwriting's better.

Let me see those.

What? God! Don't tell me
he ran out of game shows.

He made a pros and cons
list about marrying me.

You seriously don't
like Ren & Stimpy?

"Doesn't have a good
head for a ponytail."

After I put up with two years
of that stupid soul patch!

I don't think this is healthy,
Alice.

Keep going.

"She's ugly when she sleeps."

That means he thinks that
I'm ugly one-third of our lives.

Is there anything in there
about crying over stupid things?

Yes!

You are headed for
disaster with this wedding.

- What is it now, Mother?
- I'm sorry. She got away from me.

That second leg made
her faster than I'm used to.

These garish
flower arrangements,

a ridiculous color palette.

It's like your wedding
all over again.

Do you ever wonder
why I am the way I am?

Not anymore.

Just once, it would be nice
to hear, "Great job, Jane,"

or...
I don't know, "Give me a hug."

But I know that's
never gonna happen.

Lorna, I want you to
put my mother to sleep.

My God!

You want me to kill your mother?

What?

No,
I want you to put her to sleep.

I need my mother to take
a nap until the wedding.

Okay.

Thank God.

I don't think
I could've done it.

But so many ideas came to me.

All right, I am going
to leave the room now.

And after I've gone,

I want you to open
my jewelry box.

Now, inside,
you will find a bottle of pills.

I'm on three now.
So one should knock her out.

You were right.

Peanut butter does
taste better off the spoon.

So... Danny,

is there something
you wanna tell me?

'Cause apparently,

you've been keeping some
things pretty bottled up.

My God, you know?

How could you be so hurtful?

I mean,
why didn't you just tell me?

I'm so sorry about
our honeymoon.

I know everyone's
blaming the rebels,

but I think the real
problem started

when the Dutch pulled
out a hundred years ago.

You lost our honeymoon?

Wait,
what are you talking about?

I was talking about
your marriage pros and cons list.

You read my list?

Why didn't you tell me something
was wrong with our honeymoon?

I've had a lot on my mind.

What? Like Camp Awesome?

Those are my private papers!

So I'm a snoop.

You could just add it to the
list of things you hate about me.

And I am not ugly when I sleep!

All right, you know,
just so you know,

campers at Camp Awesome

will no longer be
sailing on Lake Alice!

God!

- Jane?
- Yes?

If you're not too busy,

go make sweet
love to your husband.

Excuse me?

You'll regret it if you don't.

Make love to him as if
it were for the last time.

Be passionate.

Be adventurous.

Give in to
your animal instincts.

No, no, no, no!

Maybe that's how it happens.

Before you do anything,

I need to think about
you and Steve having sex some more.

So, Danny, just a question.

Um, at Camp Awesome, to
travel down the root beer river,

do I need to be in
an ice cream float?

That's great. So Alice showed
you my personal stuff, too?

And she's the one
who's mad at me.

- And you don't get that?
- No.

That's 'cause chicks are crazy,
okay?

They're not logical
like you and me.

She knows she's being
ridiculous and unfair,

but she can't see that anymore
'cause all she's reacting to

is you don't think she's pretty.

When she's sleeping.

And plus, like, nine times
out of ten, I fall asleep

- before she does anyway.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Alice doesn't hear all that,
okay?

All she hears is,
"Danny hates me."

And on her wedding day, no less.
I mean, come on, dude.

I'm no chick,
but even I get that.

Hi, Janie-bird.

Mother.

You look tired.
Why don't you take a nap?

Did I ever tell
you about the time

I took you to your first ballet?

No, but I'm sure I did
something wrong.

I bought you this
pretty party dress,

and I did your hair in ringlets.

You looked like
a little princess.

Yeah, I remember that dress.

And afterwards,
we went backstage

to meet George Balanchine.

I met George Balanchine?

No, no, stay with me,
stay with me.

Mom? Mom?

Please, don't... don't go to
sleep. I wanna hear this story.

You did a little dance for him.

And you know
what he said to you?

- No.
- He said...

"You're beautiful and talented."

And I said, "Well,
of course, she is."

Mom.

You felt that way about me?

I probably don't tell you this
often enough, Jane, but

you're the...

But what? What, Mom?

- What?
- You've always

been...

I-I-I've always been what?

Your favorite?
Your pride and joy?

The most important
person in the world?

Just... just nod.

I'm sorry.

I never wanted
you to see that list,

which may have been why it
was in my notebook in my bag.

Well, I think it's horrible
you even had a list.

Alice.

I've never doubted that
I wanted to marry you.

Skobo told me for
every big decision

to make a list of pros and cons.

And if it makes you feel better, I did
the same thing when I bought my car.

It doesn't.

But according to you,
I'm overly sensitive.

I see. So...

You're focusing on
the one page of cons

when there were
nine pages of pros.

Guess I was hung up on the cons.

I have a good sense of humor.

I stick my tongue
out when I write?

I crinkle my nose when I laugh,
and you can trust me.

That one's under review.

I make you a better person.

And I hum when I brush my teeth.

Danny, these are beautiful.

I mean, why didn't
you put these in your vows

instead of that stupid
game show stuff?

Well, I'm sorry my vows
weren't as "magical" as yours.

You read my vows?

Becca showed 'em to me.

She's the one
you shouldn't trust.

Knock, knock.

I didn't want to disturb
you enjoying your last day in peace,

but since you're not gonna
make it to the cutting tonight,

I thought maybe you would
like a chance of tasting

your daughter's wedding cake.

Garf, I'm fine.

But let me ask you...

How often have you been wrong?

I'd eat the cake.

Well, maybe one bite.

This... this is good.

No!

I will kill whoever
ate this cake!

No, it's not how it happens.

Lorna!

Steve, I was wrong.

- It's not you.
- What?

But Betty is in the family,

so I'm putting this
in the "win" column.

Congratulations!
You are not gonna die.

Not today, anyway.

After all you've put me through?

You know what I wanna do?

I wanna give you a hug, Garf.

It is contagious, isn't it?

Feel the love, Steve.

- Yeah, really feeling the love.
-

Yeah, got the love, Steve.

Danny!

Good news.
The honeymoon is back on track.

Abby's uncle has this great
vacation home. You're gonna love it.

As soon as Forensics
takes down the police tape,

and they clear out all the cats,
it's all yours.