Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Skobo and Alice Hooked Up - full transcript
I don't think you should
marry this guy.
What?
What does he do for a living?
He's a camp counselor?
Okay, Francis,
the seating chart is unlocked.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Undo.
Why aren't you undoing?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
My... My contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!
I hate to put another thing on your plate
when you have so many things to decide,
but, um, it's either me
or Skobo in this wedding.
What?
Looks like we can expect
everything from bright sunshine
to thunderstorms
to gale-force winds.
As the old saying goes,
"If you don't like the weather,
wait five minutes."
Okay, Francis,
I've reconstructed table eight,
and if I keep up this
pace and do nothing else,
I should have this finished
in time for the reception.
And the best part is...
I will never have
to tell Mrs. Hopkins.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Francis, there's something
you need to tell Mrs. Hopkins.
Okay, that's it.
I don't even want
Becca in my wedding.
You two,
always so dramatic.
Must have inherited that
from your father's
side of the family.
If anyone is being dramatic,
Mom, it's Becca.
She's screwing up the whole day.
Don't you think
I anticipated this?
I scheduled for a
Becca meltdown,
but she only gets 20 minutes!
Now, I had it down for 2:30,
which means that we may
have to push up and condense
our meaningful moment.
Our what?
Alice...
My baby girl.
It's hard to believe
that in a few short hours,
you are gonna be
walking down the aisle.
And when you do,
I want you to wear this.
Grandma's necklace?
Mom, it's beautiful.
Not as beautiful as you.
I don't even know what to say.
I just... I love you so much,
Mom...
And that's all the time we have.
I have to go and tie gala
bows on the chair backs.
Hey, so how'd it go with Becca?
Terrible.
What are we gonna tell our kids?
Aunt Becca wasn't in our wedding
because she and Uncle
Skobo had drunken, sloppy sex?
Might be a good segue
into the birds and bees talk
and the dangers of drinking.
Look, we'll work it out.
How are we gonna work it out?
They're acting like a
couple of 5-year-olds.
I think you're forgetting.
I fix kids' problems
for a living.
I'm a camp director.
You know, this is no
different than the time
Jared Adler put actual bugs
into Stacy Schwab's bug juice.
And just like at camp,
I'm gonna fix it by
calling a conflict council.
Really?
Conflict council?
Why not a conflict council?
You've seen how
effective they can be.
No, no, they are,
and you're very good.
Hey, so many things of this day
are just totally out
of my hands, but
this is something
I can do for you.
It's just, Becca and Skobo
are both so callous and cynical.
Don't you think they'll find
the whole thing a little silly?
There's nothing silly
about a conflict council.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go unpack
my talking stick.
Lorna.
It's 10:36,
time to hang the paper lanterns.
But you know, the paper
lanterns are for the ceremony,
and this is just a suggestion,
but perhaps we should move
the ceremony into the tent.
And that's a ridiculous idea.
No, the ceremony is out here.
The reception is in the tent.
Yes, but, but the clouds
and the thunder and...
I mean, it just looks
like it might just...
I mean it... it could possibly
- rain.
- Listen to me.
It is not going to rain.
I'll get started
on those lanterns.
Lorna, why is this happening?
Well,
there is this low pressure front
- that is moving in...
- Lorna!
Why is our tent leaking?
You,
you may recall when we discussed
getting the all-weather tent,
you opted for the more
expensive decorative tent.
All right, this is no
time for finger-pointing.
Now what are you going to
do about your rainstorm, Lorna?
Well, we could move
everything indoors.
I mean, that would
certainly keep everyone dry,
but... and
this would be tragic,
it would render
useless the seating chart
that we all worked
so very hard on.
All right.
Forget about the seating chart.
We need to move
everything inside, people!
- All right. Come on, honey.
- If you insist.
We're moving the wedding inside.
Okay, dear.
Do you have any tape?
Some of my spirit
feathers are falling off.
Top right drawer.
Thanks.
Yep, me and my talking stick
have solved some pretty
big disputes in the past.
You'd be surprised
at how quickly
a conflict council can get
to the heart of a problem.
And you're obviously wondering
what I'm planning
on doing with a stick?
All right, I'll tell you.
Alice is
upset that Becca is not gonna
be in the wedding anymore.
And so me,
being a conflict
resolver by trade,
I just, you know, I figured
I'd take care of it for her.
You know, it's no big whoop.
Yeah, look, Danny, you,
you seem to have a
handle on this with your,
your feather stick and all,
but here's a little free advice:
stay out of it.
What?
It may look like I'm
doing a crossword,
but I'm actually involved in
my own form of conflict resolution.
Happens to have a 100
percent success rate.
I call it,
"Let the women handle it."
I hear ya, Steve, I do, but...
And that may have
worked in the past, but
in my generation,
men, they take more of an
active role in relationships.
And good luck with that, sport.
- Take this table to the study.
- Yes, ma'am.
And this couch is going
into the dining room.
I need somebody to bring
that lamp over there with...
Everybody freeze!
Whose muddy footprint is that?
Yes,
whose muddy footprint is that?
You, over here.
You are now an outside person.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
New rules.
Everyone currently
inside is an inside person.
Everyone outside
is an outside person.
Now outside people may
come up to the threshold,
but no further.
The same goes for inside people.
Inside people who step
outside become outside people.
Outside people can
never be inside people.
The important thing is
we're all working together.
Okay.
Becca.
Becca.
We find that sitting in council
works best when everyone,
you know, sits in council.
This is the first time I'm glad
I was sent to summer school
and not your stupid camp.
Noted.
But Becca, I want you to
know that your hostility
is welcomed here.
In fact, every emotion
is as long as it comes
from a place of truth.
Okay, so there's one rule.
The person holding
the talking stick
is the only one
permitted to talk.
That way, we all have the
freedom to share our truths
without the fear
of interruptions.
So gay.
No,
you're not holding the stick.
This is so gay.
Okay, Becca,
please try the council.
I think it might really work.
I'm here, aren't I?
Okay, I'll start.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I mean, here we are
on Danny and Alice's
wedding day,
and my actions have
brought us to this?
If I could turn back time,
I would.
Thank you for your truth, Skobo.
I mean, when you told me to stay away
from her at the rehearsal dinner,
I should have listened to you.
You were totally right.
She is way bad news.
- I just was saying...
- No, no, no. Okay, no. No.
I, I, I... I said that to
protect you from him.
Okay. Can I?
Okay, okay, good.
You know, let's get a...
Let's get a dialogue going here?
You know?
- Becca!
- !
Okay, there are actually
two rules about the stick.
Grab that chair and go
move it to the study.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
No problem. Hey,
yeah, you wouldn't happen
to know the first name
of a poet, Teasdale?
Sara.
No "H."
Thank you.
What are you so chipper about?
I just love the
challenge of it all.
Just redesigning the ceremony.
Throwing out the
old seating chart.
Well, I gotta hand it to you,
Lorna,
I didn't expect you to roll
with the punches so well.
That's just what I do.
I'd put that on
my business card,
but it's too packed
with cherubs.
The sun's coming out, Lorna.
No, but I was rolling.
All right, everybody.
Let's just get
everything outside.
Now inside-outside
rules still apply,
but we are back to plan "A."
Okay, I need...
Francis, I need to go
off mic for a minute.
Okay, we're gonna go
around the truth circle
and share something
about ourselves
that we're not proud of.
This way, we'll all be
coming from somewhere
that's honest and prideless.
Okay, Skobo, you're up.
What have you done
that you're not proud of?
Nothing.
Come on. Nothing?
Nope. Nothing. I...
I haven't had a conscience
for a very long time.
It's just the way Daddy
likes it. It's my life.
Now come on. Really go back.
Visualize your life
running backwards like a movie.
Okay. All right.
College.
Hello, ladies. Hi.
High school.
Hola, Señora Puchalsky.
You're a naughty
Spanish teacher.
Nope. Nothing.
Really?
Having shared a bunk with you,
I can think of a
number of things
that you shouldn't
be too proud of.
- Give me the stick.
- Okay.
Okay. Camp, camp.
I almost forgot this one.
I went to second
base with Alice.
Skobo!
- What?
- Yeah!
I was totally blanking, and I thought
I was gonna choke under the pressure,
and then I totally squeezed
out a sweet memory.
Yeah!
Whoo!
All right. Who's next?
Okay, first of all,
it was not second base.
It was totally second base,
Danny.
Fabric boob,
but booby nonetheless.
Alice, why didn't
you ever tell me about this?
It's not something I'm proud of.
You know, Danny, I was wrong.
This council is the
most fun I've had all day.
Let's move on.
Now that we've all shared
something shameful,
the next step is to... so was
it straight to second base,
or did you start at
first and linger a while?
Want me to field this one?
I'll do it.
I don't even know you.
You're making it like
I did something horrible.
It wasn't like that.
I only did it for the money.
What?
What?
I'm just gonna have to tell her
about the seating chart,
Francis.
Why does God hate me?
Wow, thank you.
I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
but you have put the
screws to me so many times.
Francis,
we are moving back inside.
Okay,
don't make it sound so sordid.
A couple of girls in
my cabin put up 20 bucks
to the girl who kissed
the grossest guy in camp.
Kenny Saperstein.
You, Skobo.
No!
All right, this is officially the
greatest thing I've ever witnessed.
Although, I did let him
do a lot more to me,
for free.
Knock, knock.
I hate to interrupt the fun.
But since we're moving
the wedding inside,
we need to have a
re-rehearsal in the family room.
And we can't very
well have a re-rehearsal
without the happy wedding party.
Okay, come on up.
- Steve-O.
- Hey, chief.
How goes the pow wow?
Pretty good. Good.
A lot of progress.
I heard yelling coming
from down there.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's all part
of the process, though.
Those were, yells of healing.
So I'm supposed to
get you for the rehearsal.
Is the aisle still
a straight line?
Yeah, I guess so.
I think I'll be able
to handle it then.
All right. Your call.
Okay, everybody.
Let's get into our positions.
This is not a drill.
Well, actually, I guess by
definition, a rehearsal is a drill,
but we still need to be focused.
Hey, I thought
you were getting Steve.
I told him.
For...
Is he doing that stupid
crossword puzzle?
Just start without me.
Um,
now my groom goes right here.
There we are.
And my best man
is right there.
Make him go that way. Perfect.
And now
my maid of honor
makes her entrance.
- Where's Becca?
- Right here.
Becca.
Awesome!
She's back in the wedding.
Cool.
My spaghetti's ready.
Um, but we're just,
we're about to rehearse.
Not with me.
I just came up to watch TV
and eat some messy pasta
in my bridesmaid's dress.
Why are you doing this to me?
Well, I figured since I'm
not in the wedding anymore,
this is the only time
I have to wear it.
Plus, I didn't want to stain
my t-shirt and sweatpants.
Okay. Well, let's just continue.
Um, now we have the
bride make her entrance.
That's good.
On the actual event,
you'll just want to
slow it down a little bit.
Um, okay.
And then we have,
"Dearly beloved... ".
Are you saying
that I was grosser
than a booger eater
in a back brace?
I don't wanna talk about it,
Skobo.
And then the vows are exchanged.
I was cool back then.
I had that sweet
Kid 'n Play hair,
high and tight.
No one's hair was higher
and tighter than mine.
Skobo, we're trying to
rehearse here. Will you focus?
And then the best
man produces the rings.
I always keep a pair
of rehearsal rings on my person.
These say "Lorna and Dave,"
but it's a different Lorna.
What was it?
Was it my braces or my mustache?
It couldn't have been my skin
because my... my makeup
totally covered up the acne.
No.
It's, it's over the shirt, Dan.
Skobo,
what the hell are you doing?
D'
It's okay. It's okay.
This is why we have rehearsals.
It was an accident.
It wasn't my fault.
This whole thing is your fault.
Whoa! I thought there was
no blaming in the council.
We're not in the
council anymore.
Thank God.
You have a problem
with my council?
All your council's done
is cause more problems.
Really?
Well, at least,
I'm not the one who...
- Who...
- Who what?
Who was a hooker?
That's what you're
trying to say, isn't it?
And how dare you say that.
Honestly, Dan, there is no
need for that kind of language.
Skobo.
We're losing perspective here,
okay? We were kids.
There's no way I could've
known you were gonna marry her.
Yes, there was.
First day of camp,
I was in the infirmary with
20 hornet stings on my face,
and she was in
the cot next to me,
covered from head
to toe with poison oak.
The nurse had to use
so much calamine on her
that when it was my turn,
there wasn't any left.
And so Alice wiped
some calamine off her arm,
put it onto my stings,
which ultimately gave
me poison oak, too.
But when I came back
to the cabin that night,
I told you that I had just met
the girl I was going to marry.
My God. Danny.
You never told me that.
It's so romantic.
No, it's not romantic.
I'm very angry.
No, I know.
I don't wanna make up,
all right?
- We'll see how the day goes.
- You're so cute.
Hey, wait.
If I hadn't talked you into
sticking your head
into that hollow log,
then you two never
would have met.
I am the best man.
My God. I thought
we were gonna have to have
the Jaws of Life to get
your father out of that room.
Hey, Steve-O...
Guess what?
The council works.
We're all good.
Great!
So Becca's back in the wedding?
Becca, right.
Becca,
your 20-minute meltdown is up.
Then I guess we're
going into overtime.
Hey, look, it's still raining.
Gee, I sure hope the
rain doesn't ruin this dress.
Rebecca May Hopkins,
don't you dare.
Becca!
You finish your crossword?
Son,
you never finish the crossword.
You were right...
I shouldn't have
gotten involved.
Just made things worse.
Look, Danny,
I see a lot of brains
in my line of work,
and though men and women's
brains may look the same,
they couldn't be more different.
How do you mean?
We men are hardwired
to fix things, but
here's God's little joke,
women
don't want us to
fix their problems.
Yeah,
but we got a wedding tonight
and no maid of honor.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna stand by
and watch until we do.
This has been
my life for 30 years.
First we'll have the yelling...
Then, the crying...
Then the classic yell-cry.
Now here comes the
part where both girls
turn on Jane
and say it's her fault.
And now someone's
going to throw something.
Well, it's been a while.
There we go.
Whoa. Ouch.
Comic relief...
Cue the hugs...
And...
We have a maid of honor.
Good news, Lorna.
We fixed the tent.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fixing the tent means that
we can have the reception
outside, rain or shine,
which means we need
a seating chart.
Do you have a seating chart?
We fixed the tent.
Just go. Go.
Okay, enough of this.
I lost the seating chart, okay?
So if you are going to fire me,
please fire me now so
I can still go folk dancing
with my friends tonight.
If you were a young girl,
Would you need to
be paid to kiss me?
Let me paint
you a little picture.
Hair like this... tight.
Just a little bit of mustache,
the most beautiful skin...
So is this it? Um, am I fired?
No one is going to be fired,
Lorna.
Thank you.
We can figure out any
financial consequences later,
but the good news is
the sun is out,
the tent is fixed,
and the wedding is back outside.
Francis,
we may have a situation.
marry this guy.
What?
What does he do for a living?
He's a camp counselor?
Okay, Francis,
the seating chart is unlocked.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Undo.
Why aren't you undoing?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
My... My contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!
I hate to put another thing on your plate
when you have so many things to decide,
but, um, it's either me
or Skobo in this wedding.
What?
Looks like we can expect
everything from bright sunshine
to thunderstorms
to gale-force winds.
As the old saying goes,
"If you don't like the weather,
wait five minutes."
Okay, Francis,
I've reconstructed table eight,
and if I keep up this
pace and do nothing else,
I should have this finished
in time for the reception.
And the best part is...
I will never have
to tell Mrs. Hopkins.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Francis, there's something
you need to tell Mrs. Hopkins.
Okay, that's it.
I don't even want
Becca in my wedding.
You two,
always so dramatic.
Must have inherited that
from your father's
side of the family.
If anyone is being dramatic,
Mom, it's Becca.
She's screwing up the whole day.
Don't you think
I anticipated this?
I scheduled for a
Becca meltdown,
but she only gets 20 minutes!
Now, I had it down for 2:30,
which means that we may
have to push up and condense
our meaningful moment.
Our what?
Alice...
My baby girl.
It's hard to believe
that in a few short hours,
you are gonna be
walking down the aisle.
And when you do,
I want you to wear this.
Grandma's necklace?
Mom, it's beautiful.
Not as beautiful as you.
I don't even know what to say.
I just... I love you so much,
Mom...
And that's all the time we have.
I have to go and tie gala
bows on the chair backs.
Hey, so how'd it go with Becca?
Terrible.
What are we gonna tell our kids?
Aunt Becca wasn't in our wedding
because she and Uncle
Skobo had drunken, sloppy sex?
Might be a good segue
into the birds and bees talk
and the dangers of drinking.
Look, we'll work it out.
How are we gonna work it out?
They're acting like a
couple of 5-year-olds.
I think you're forgetting.
I fix kids' problems
for a living.
I'm a camp director.
You know, this is no
different than the time
Jared Adler put actual bugs
into Stacy Schwab's bug juice.
And just like at camp,
I'm gonna fix it by
calling a conflict council.
Really?
Conflict council?
Why not a conflict council?
You've seen how
effective they can be.
No, no, they are,
and you're very good.
Hey, so many things of this day
are just totally out
of my hands, but
this is something
I can do for you.
It's just, Becca and Skobo
are both so callous and cynical.
Don't you think they'll find
the whole thing a little silly?
There's nothing silly
about a conflict council.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go unpack
my talking stick.
Lorna.
It's 10:36,
time to hang the paper lanterns.
But you know, the paper
lanterns are for the ceremony,
and this is just a suggestion,
but perhaps we should move
the ceremony into the tent.
And that's a ridiculous idea.
No, the ceremony is out here.
The reception is in the tent.
Yes, but, but the clouds
and the thunder and...
I mean, it just looks
like it might just...
I mean it... it could possibly
- rain.
- Listen to me.
It is not going to rain.
I'll get started
on those lanterns.
Lorna, why is this happening?
Well,
there is this low pressure front
- that is moving in...
- Lorna!
Why is our tent leaking?
You,
you may recall when we discussed
getting the all-weather tent,
you opted for the more
expensive decorative tent.
All right, this is no
time for finger-pointing.
Now what are you going to
do about your rainstorm, Lorna?
Well, we could move
everything indoors.
I mean, that would
certainly keep everyone dry,
but... and
this would be tragic,
it would render
useless the seating chart
that we all worked
so very hard on.
All right.
Forget about the seating chart.
We need to move
everything inside, people!
- All right. Come on, honey.
- If you insist.
We're moving the wedding inside.
Okay, dear.
Do you have any tape?
Some of my spirit
feathers are falling off.
Top right drawer.
Thanks.
Yep, me and my talking stick
have solved some pretty
big disputes in the past.
You'd be surprised
at how quickly
a conflict council can get
to the heart of a problem.
And you're obviously wondering
what I'm planning
on doing with a stick?
All right, I'll tell you.
Alice is
upset that Becca is not gonna
be in the wedding anymore.
And so me,
being a conflict
resolver by trade,
I just, you know, I figured
I'd take care of it for her.
You know, it's no big whoop.
Yeah, look, Danny, you,
you seem to have a
handle on this with your,
your feather stick and all,
but here's a little free advice:
stay out of it.
What?
It may look like I'm
doing a crossword,
but I'm actually involved in
my own form of conflict resolution.
Happens to have a 100
percent success rate.
I call it,
"Let the women handle it."
I hear ya, Steve, I do, but...
And that may have
worked in the past, but
in my generation,
men, they take more of an
active role in relationships.
And good luck with that, sport.
- Take this table to the study.
- Yes, ma'am.
And this couch is going
into the dining room.
I need somebody to bring
that lamp over there with...
Everybody freeze!
Whose muddy footprint is that?
Yes,
whose muddy footprint is that?
You, over here.
You are now an outside person.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
New rules.
Everyone currently
inside is an inside person.
Everyone outside
is an outside person.
Now outside people may
come up to the threshold,
but no further.
The same goes for inside people.
Inside people who step
outside become outside people.
Outside people can
never be inside people.
The important thing is
we're all working together.
Okay.
Becca.
Becca.
We find that sitting in council
works best when everyone,
you know, sits in council.
This is the first time I'm glad
I was sent to summer school
and not your stupid camp.
Noted.
But Becca, I want you to
know that your hostility
is welcomed here.
In fact, every emotion
is as long as it comes
from a place of truth.
Okay, so there's one rule.
The person holding
the talking stick
is the only one
permitted to talk.
That way, we all have the
freedom to share our truths
without the fear
of interruptions.
So gay.
No,
you're not holding the stick.
This is so gay.
Okay, Becca,
please try the council.
I think it might really work.
I'm here, aren't I?
Okay, I'll start.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I mean, here we are
on Danny and Alice's
wedding day,
and my actions have
brought us to this?
If I could turn back time,
I would.
Thank you for your truth, Skobo.
I mean, when you told me to stay away
from her at the rehearsal dinner,
I should have listened to you.
You were totally right.
She is way bad news.
- I just was saying...
- No, no, no. Okay, no. No.
I, I, I... I said that to
protect you from him.
Okay. Can I?
Okay, okay, good.
You know, let's get a...
Let's get a dialogue going here?
You know?
- Becca!
- !
Okay, there are actually
two rules about the stick.
Grab that chair and go
move it to the study.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
No problem. Hey,
yeah, you wouldn't happen
to know the first name
of a poet, Teasdale?
Sara.
No "H."
Thank you.
What are you so chipper about?
I just love the
challenge of it all.
Just redesigning the ceremony.
Throwing out the
old seating chart.
Well, I gotta hand it to you,
Lorna,
I didn't expect you to roll
with the punches so well.
That's just what I do.
I'd put that on
my business card,
but it's too packed
with cherubs.
The sun's coming out, Lorna.
No, but I was rolling.
All right, everybody.
Let's just get
everything outside.
Now inside-outside
rules still apply,
but we are back to plan "A."
Okay, I need...
Francis, I need to go
off mic for a minute.
Okay, we're gonna go
around the truth circle
and share something
about ourselves
that we're not proud of.
This way, we'll all be
coming from somewhere
that's honest and prideless.
Okay, Skobo, you're up.
What have you done
that you're not proud of?
Nothing.
Come on. Nothing?
Nope. Nothing. I...
I haven't had a conscience
for a very long time.
It's just the way Daddy
likes it. It's my life.
Now come on. Really go back.
Visualize your life
running backwards like a movie.
Okay. All right.
College.
Hello, ladies. Hi.
High school.
Hola, Señora Puchalsky.
You're a naughty
Spanish teacher.
Nope. Nothing.
Really?
Having shared a bunk with you,
I can think of a
number of things
that you shouldn't
be too proud of.
- Give me the stick.
- Okay.
Okay. Camp, camp.
I almost forgot this one.
I went to second
base with Alice.
Skobo!
- What?
- Yeah!
I was totally blanking, and I thought
I was gonna choke under the pressure,
and then I totally squeezed
out a sweet memory.
Yeah!
Whoo!
All right. Who's next?
Okay, first of all,
it was not second base.
It was totally second base,
Danny.
Fabric boob,
but booby nonetheless.
Alice, why didn't
you ever tell me about this?
It's not something I'm proud of.
You know, Danny, I was wrong.
This council is the
most fun I've had all day.
Let's move on.
Now that we've all shared
something shameful,
the next step is to... so was
it straight to second base,
or did you start at
first and linger a while?
Want me to field this one?
I'll do it.
I don't even know you.
You're making it like
I did something horrible.
It wasn't like that.
I only did it for the money.
What?
What?
I'm just gonna have to tell her
about the seating chart,
Francis.
Why does God hate me?
Wow, thank you.
I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
but you have put the
screws to me so many times.
Francis,
we are moving back inside.
Okay,
don't make it sound so sordid.
A couple of girls in
my cabin put up 20 bucks
to the girl who kissed
the grossest guy in camp.
Kenny Saperstein.
You, Skobo.
No!
All right, this is officially the
greatest thing I've ever witnessed.
Although, I did let him
do a lot more to me,
for free.
Knock, knock.
I hate to interrupt the fun.
But since we're moving
the wedding inside,
we need to have a
re-rehearsal in the family room.
And we can't very
well have a re-rehearsal
without the happy wedding party.
Okay, come on up.
- Steve-O.
- Hey, chief.
How goes the pow wow?
Pretty good. Good.
A lot of progress.
I heard yelling coming
from down there.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's all part
of the process, though.
Those were, yells of healing.
So I'm supposed to
get you for the rehearsal.
Is the aisle still
a straight line?
Yeah, I guess so.
I think I'll be able
to handle it then.
All right. Your call.
Okay, everybody.
Let's get into our positions.
This is not a drill.
Well, actually, I guess by
definition, a rehearsal is a drill,
but we still need to be focused.
Hey, I thought
you were getting Steve.
I told him.
For...
Is he doing that stupid
crossword puzzle?
Just start without me.
Um,
now my groom goes right here.
There we are.
And my best man
is right there.
Make him go that way. Perfect.
And now
my maid of honor
makes her entrance.
- Where's Becca?
- Right here.
Becca.
Awesome!
She's back in the wedding.
Cool.
My spaghetti's ready.
Um, but we're just,
we're about to rehearse.
Not with me.
I just came up to watch TV
and eat some messy pasta
in my bridesmaid's dress.
Why are you doing this to me?
Well, I figured since I'm
not in the wedding anymore,
this is the only time
I have to wear it.
Plus, I didn't want to stain
my t-shirt and sweatpants.
Okay. Well, let's just continue.
Um, now we have the
bride make her entrance.
That's good.
On the actual event,
you'll just want to
slow it down a little bit.
Um, okay.
And then we have,
"Dearly beloved... ".
Are you saying
that I was grosser
than a booger eater
in a back brace?
I don't wanna talk about it,
Skobo.
And then the vows are exchanged.
I was cool back then.
I had that sweet
Kid 'n Play hair,
high and tight.
No one's hair was higher
and tighter than mine.
Skobo, we're trying to
rehearse here. Will you focus?
And then the best
man produces the rings.
I always keep a pair
of rehearsal rings on my person.
These say "Lorna and Dave,"
but it's a different Lorna.
What was it?
Was it my braces or my mustache?
It couldn't have been my skin
because my... my makeup
totally covered up the acne.
No.
It's, it's over the shirt, Dan.
Skobo,
what the hell are you doing?
D'
It's okay. It's okay.
This is why we have rehearsals.
It was an accident.
It wasn't my fault.
This whole thing is your fault.
Whoa! I thought there was
no blaming in the council.
We're not in the
council anymore.
Thank God.
You have a problem
with my council?
All your council's done
is cause more problems.
Really?
Well, at least,
I'm not the one who...
- Who...
- Who what?
Who was a hooker?
That's what you're
trying to say, isn't it?
And how dare you say that.
Honestly, Dan, there is no
need for that kind of language.
Skobo.
We're losing perspective here,
okay? We were kids.
There's no way I could've
known you were gonna marry her.
Yes, there was.
First day of camp,
I was in the infirmary with
20 hornet stings on my face,
and she was in
the cot next to me,
covered from head
to toe with poison oak.
The nurse had to use
so much calamine on her
that when it was my turn,
there wasn't any left.
And so Alice wiped
some calamine off her arm,
put it onto my stings,
which ultimately gave
me poison oak, too.
But when I came back
to the cabin that night,
I told you that I had just met
the girl I was going to marry.
My God. Danny.
You never told me that.
It's so romantic.
No, it's not romantic.
I'm very angry.
No, I know.
I don't wanna make up,
all right?
- We'll see how the day goes.
- You're so cute.
Hey, wait.
If I hadn't talked you into
sticking your head
into that hollow log,
then you two never
would have met.
I am the best man.
My God. I thought
we were gonna have to have
the Jaws of Life to get
your father out of that room.
Hey, Steve-O...
Guess what?
The council works.
We're all good.
Great!
So Becca's back in the wedding?
Becca, right.
Becca,
your 20-minute meltdown is up.
Then I guess we're
going into overtime.
Hey, look, it's still raining.
Gee, I sure hope the
rain doesn't ruin this dress.
Rebecca May Hopkins,
don't you dare.
Becca!
You finish your crossword?
Son,
you never finish the crossword.
You were right...
I shouldn't have
gotten involved.
Just made things worse.
Look, Danny,
I see a lot of brains
in my line of work,
and though men and women's
brains may look the same,
they couldn't be more different.
How do you mean?
We men are hardwired
to fix things, but
here's God's little joke,
women
don't want us to
fix their problems.
Yeah,
but we got a wedding tonight
and no maid of honor.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna stand by
and watch until we do.
This has been
my life for 30 years.
First we'll have the yelling...
Then, the crying...
Then the classic yell-cry.
Now here comes the
part where both girls
turn on Jane
and say it's her fault.
And now someone's
going to throw something.
Well, it's been a while.
There we go.
Whoa. Ouch.
Comic relief...
Cue the hugs...
And...
We have a maid of honor.
Good news, Lorna.
We fixed the tent.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fixing the tent means that
we can have the reception
outside, rain or shine,
which means we need
a seating chart.
Do you have a seating chart?
We fixed the tent.
Just go. Go.
Okay, enough of this.
I lost the seating chart, okay?
So if you are going to fire me,
please fire me now so
I can still go folk dancing
with my friends tonight.
If you were a young girl,
Would you need to
be paid to kiss me?
Let me paint
you a little picture.
Hair like this... tight.
Just a little bit of mustache,
the most beautiful skin...
So is this it? Um, am I fired?
No one is going to be fired,
Lorna.
Thank you.
We can figure out any
financial consequences later,
but the good news is
the sun is out,
the tent is fixed,
and the wedding is back outside.
Francis,
we may have a situation.