Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Ceremony - full transcript

I should have listened
to you when you said

we should just run
off and get married.

Everything has just been
so complicated and stressful.

I don't think you're
back far enough.

More singles!

You beautiful, beautiful man!

It's over.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

You!

- ...Let's elope.
- Can we do that?



Marilyn, look at you.
My God. You're stunning.

Frank, you old son of a gun.

You know, I think this is the first
time I've seen you out of golf pants.

Get in there. Enjoy the wedding.

If there is one.

- Hi.
- Will you stop it, Steve?

You know, Danny will find Alice,
and there will be a wedding.

Even if we have to tie
her veil to the bumper

and drag her back here,
bloody and toothless.

Good to see you.!

Aren't you two a vision?

My!

- Nice hats. Enjoy the wedding.
- Yeah.

We're just so happy
you could make it.



Now go inside
and enjoy yourselves.

Glad to see your ex-boyfriend
is making himself at home.

I think he's wearing my watch.

No wonder why Alice ran off. Hi.

So now it's Bob's fault?

It wasn't you rolling around
with the groom's father

or inviting your stripper?

Things are humming along nicely.

Hum along, hum along.

Hi, Steve.

The candles are lit,
the meals are pre-warmed.

Everything is
falling into place.

We have no bride or groom.

I know. I was

focusing on the positive,
but that's gone now.

That must be the B-1 bombers

flying over the
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding.

Of course,
theirs is starting on time.

What is that?

Ruppart-Chenoweth
wedding flyover.

Don't you watch
Access Hollywood?

I can't believe we're eloping.

Yeah. How cool are we?

We're like a couple of outlaws.
We're like mercenaries.

Forced into a life on the run

after being charged with a
crime they did not commit.

"If you have a problem,
if no one else can help you."

Are you quoting The A-Team?

I just...
see the parallels, that's all.

Any word from Danny?

No, Garf.

Any word from Alice?

No, Garf.

Well, that's good, right?

That probably means
they're together,

so unless it's a murder-suicide,
we'll be fine.

That's kinda dark.

You're right.

Could be a suicide pact.

Hey.

I know this is awkward but...

At some point,
we might want to consider

pulling the plug on this event.

You know, like my dad told me,

"It's better to die with dignity
than to live in hopelessness."

At least,
that's what it sounded like.

I mean, by the end there,
who knows what he was saying?

He also said that bread has
fewer calories if you toast it.

All right. Lorna!

I have 190 guests in
my backyard expecting a wedding,

and they are not going to leave
this house until they get one.

Do I make myself clear?

No one's to leave. No problem.

I took a Toastmasters class.

You know, I'm...

I'm actually pretty
good in front of crowds.

Francis, get me my sports bra.

Okay, when I point at you,

everyone on this
side says "hey,"

and everyone on
this side says "ho."

Okay? Ready?

Hey!

Hey.

Ho!

Ho.

Yes, that's the spirit. That's the
spirit. But I didn't hear my "Ho" s.

Where are my "Ho" s?

- Ho.
- Ho. Yeah. That's right.

Who needs fancy wedding food?

This microwaved
burrito kicks ass.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Just my car talking to us.
She does that sometimes.

Now she's saying, "Get out."

Everybody!

Wow!

My Sufi dancing is just
gonna look stupid after that.

Friends...

Pre-ceremony cocktails
will now be served in the tent.

I hope you don't mind but
it seemed like the right call.

Dirty martini if memory serves.

You are a lifesaver.

Sorry. Sorry.

My bad.

What kind of man walks
into another man's home

and opens another man's bar?

Still no sign of the
bride and groom.

I brought party favors.!

Maybe alcohol is the wrong
thing to add to this mix.

Sorry. Truth or dare.

Okay, Skobo.

- It is your turn.
- Nah. I'm... I'm okay.

Come on.
I thought you liked that.

Playing games -I
like to play games.

- Truth or...
- Dare.

I hold before you two packets
from the Littman Bar Mitzvah.

One relish, one mayonnaise.

I think you know
what to do with them.

It's on.

It is so on.

Hey! How was your seven
minutes in heaven?

I really don't want
to talk about it.

Hey. Come back, Freddy.
Come back in the closet.

We'll just call a tow truck.

Whoa.

Gentlemen...

Ladies?

I could use a drink.

- Could you use a drink?
- I could use a drink.

My future ex-wife...

...Hey. I'm Burt.

How you doin', beautiful?

- Hey, pretty.
- Are you serious?

- Yeah.
- I'm afraid you're out of luck there, Burt.

- See, we're almost married.
- Yeah?

Well,
I'm almost going to prison.

But until either of us
stands in front of a judge,

nothing's official.

I don't know how much longer
we can hold these people.

Your Aunt Rose has already started
collecting the centerpieces.

Lorna.

I think I have been pretty
patient with you so far

but if we lose any
of these guests,

the next event you'll be planning
will be your own funeral.

Already planned.

Um, I've... I've had a coffin
on layaway since I was 16.

I chose it over a prom dress.

But they were both the
same color. Perfect pink.

I'll get right on it.

You know, slim.

You and I should go out there,

do one of our old numbers,
knock 'em dead.

Bob.
It was such a long time ago.

Yeah, and I'm sure
your anti-establishment folk rock

would go over great
on the tennis court

of your six-bedroom colonial.

Do you have a better suggestion?

What,
you want to go out and wow them

with your Colonel
Klink impression?

If you want entertainment,
we have a professional dancer.

You mean your stripper?

Shampagne.
She's a trained dancer.

Didn't you tell me
you had two years of jazz?

No, two years as "Jazz,"

and then I was "Misty," and now
I'm Shampagne with an "S."

FYI, business cards,
big waste of money.

Mom, I know this
has been a difficult day

but I just want
to tell you that...

I love you.

Becca. What...

And they said you'd never
be able to show affection.

Thank you, sweetie. Thank you.

Great.

See? There's no dare I won't do.

Don't worry.
I'll find your breaking point.

And I'll find yours.

If I'm not mistaken,

that woman just put
her teeth in a glass.

Thirsty?

Parched.

What's up with the tow truck?

It's still gonna be
another half-hour.

There's a lot of traffic.

The Ruppart-Chenoweth
wedding is clearing out.

That's over already?

Well,
I guess if we hadn't run off,

we'd be married by now, too.

Yeah, but then we never
would have seen Doug there,

take out his eye and look
around the room with it.

Here.

I really like this place.

It's so real.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Yeah.

What the...

No, not the flute.

Okay, Bob,
I thought we could open our set

with "Give Peace A Chance,"

and then continue with
our Vietnam medley.

I don't know.

I think "Give Peace A
Chance" is more of a closer.

No, but we opened with it at
the Purple Onion, and it killed.

That's right, you did.
And it was not your best show.

Too much dulcimer.
Always too much dulcimer.

Steve, how do you know
about the Purple Onion?

I mean, that place had
been turned into a food co-op

before I even knew you.

Well, I knew you. I was

sitting in the back
of every show,

working up the nerve

to ask you out.

It took me eight months but

it was worth it.

Steve.

It's our daughter's wedding day.

You should be up there with us.

- I'm no performer.
- But you play a wonderful piano.

Jane.

This is a duo, not a trio.

You're right, Bob.

So you want to get outta here?
I've got my Harley.

No, thanks.
I'm over my father issues.

Bob Baron did not like that.

Danny?

You're not gonna
believe who this is.

Your stunt double?

No, Ellen Ruppart.

From the
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding.

He doesn't watch
Access Hollywood.

I was also on Good
Morning America.

What the hell are
you doing here?

I ran away.

The wedding is off.

What happened?

You and Adam seemed so happy.

I mean,
he named his ranch after you.

Yeah. It was perfect.

Everything was perfect.

But when it was time
to walk down the aisle,

and Bono started
singing "Beautiful Day,"

and they started
lowering the platform,

I said, "Take it back up.

Kill the fog machine.
I can't do this."

But you had the perfect wedding.

Why would you give it all up?

I didn't love him.

I had the perfect wedding.

I just had the wrong guy.

Wow!

My wedding was a nightmare,

but I know I have the right guy.

You know what? I can't wait.

I want to marry you right now.

Okay. Okay.

This will work.

We can borrow two rings
from that guy's nipples.

The little woman behind the bar.

You know,
she could be our flower girl.

We got music right here!
So, um...

So what ZZ Top song would you like
to walk down the aisle to?

- I want to go home.
- Thank God!

I'll give you a
lift in my pickup.

Brides get to ride in the cab.

Don't worry.
I'll throw a tarp over the deer.

- What's going on?
- I'm sorry, ma'am.

I don't know what
happened to your keys.

I don't know what
happened to any of the keys.

Garf.

Mind if I join you?

How did you find me?

Well, everyone can
see you from the yard.

I see you have a
bowl full of keys?

Yeah. No one is leaving.

If they wanna walk
out of this wedding,

they're gonna have
to walk out of this

wedding.

Who am I kidding?

This is a disaster,
and it's my fault.

I'm a terrible wedding planner.

But a world-class yodeler.

You think? Because I wasn't
even using my diaphragm

like I would in competition.

I was captivated, Lorna.

Garf.

Please.

Rene.

Rene.

No one has called me
that since my wife Wendy

abandoned me and little
Danny 20 years ago.

Well, actually,
my dentist calls me that.

Yeah.

That song was beautiful.

You know, all the money and all
the hassles were worth it for that.

Steve.

You know,

it seems like a shame
for us to waste all this.

You want to file a
wedding insurance claim?

No.

No, I'm just thinking that
maybe you and I could...

Jane...

Will you marry
me all over again?

Right here, right now?

Really?
Well, I suppose we could...

Yes. Yes, Steve, yes.

It's kind of spur of the moment.

I don't have a new ring.

That's all right.
We can talk about it later.

I think I'm out of dares.

I guess I could pull
my nards out one more time,

but what's that gonna prove?

All right. I dare you to...

Um... start the wedding music.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.

One, two, three, one, two...

Finally!

Um...

That was a bigger reaction
than I was expecting.

The bride and the
groom are back?

That's my cue.

I'm okay!

I dare you to walk
down the aisle.

You call that a dare?
I dare you to marry me.

Fine.

Whatever!
I know you'll wuss out.

What? I'll eat toe jam and I won't
do this? Come on. Take my arm.

- Are they back?
- Who cued the music?

- We did. We're getting married.
- No, you are not, young lady.

The only people getting
married at your sister's wedding

are your father and me.

Not if we get there first.
Start walking.

Steve!

Becca, you barely know him.

Back off.
You're already married.

Minister's here.

Where is my bride and groom?

Right here!

These kind of things never work.

I mean, they sound good...

We're renewing our vows.

- We're seeing who blinks.
- Don't be ridiculous, Becca. Sit down.

This would be a
ridiculous marriage,

as opposed to your marriage
with the constant fighting

and the secret accounts?

There's no secret account.

What?

- She's trying to divide us, Steve.
- Yeah.

- We're getting married.
- We're getting married.

I thought we were
getting married.

Stay out of this, Alice.

There she is.

Baby!
I was so worried about you.

What the hell were you thinking
about running away like that?

Well, it took me some
time to realize that

everything I need for
the perfect wedding

is right here.

See, Steve.

And you didn't want to pay
extra for the chair covers.

Were you getting married?
All of you?

You know what? None
of that is important right now.

You're here,
the guests are here,

- a lot of them are drunk...
- So let's just get you two married.

And let's make it quick.
The sushi's starting to turn.

Positions, everybody!

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Do you, Alice,

little dove,

take Danny,

this soaring eagle,

this raptor untamed...

I was going somewhere with this.

I do.

- Do you...
- Just say "Danny."

Danny

take Alice to be your wife?

- I...
- Stop!

Who's that?

Stop the wedding.

- Mom?
- Wendy!

My God.

She's wearing pants.

- My God! He's dead!
- !

- Stay with me!
- I'm with you!

So I guess we're
not getting married?

Then I guess I won.

Wait. Wait.

Okay, how about a committed, long-term,
long distance, monogamous relationship?

You don't have the guts.

Yeah? You remember that
phone number I gave you?

You can tear it up, 'cause I'm
gonna give you my real one.

Francis, I need a pocketknife
and a ballpoint pen.

No, you don't.

- Get your hands off me.
- Francis.

We found him in the
neighbor's hot tub.

He says he's your assistant.

I carry a lot of tension
in my lower back.

- Tell him, Lorna.
- I have no idea who that is.

You liar!

For God's sake,
Steve, do something.

Fine.

Hey! We're broke!

Well, look on the bright side.

Yeah?

I got nothing.