Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 11 - Magic Hour - full transcript

I don't think you should
marry this guy.

What?

Don't you ever do
that to me again!

I love you, Dan.

It's just so good to...

How you doing, man? I'm Johnny.

Hey, how are you?
Nice to meet you.

Damn!
The things I used to do to her.

I will be officiating
the wedding.

Really?

We will be working
together pretty closely.



- Bob Baron.
- Are you bringing the good stuff?

Yeah.

What's up, Doc?

I am very disappointed in you.

You are a doctor's wife.

Do you realize the damage
you're risking to your lungs,

your brain, your chromosomes?

Did you even listen to that speech
I gave to the boy scouts last year?

Do you think you could
drill a hole so deep

that lava comes out?

I mean, you know,
if you had a submarine.

You have to pull
yourself together.

Your daughter's getting married.

This isn't funny.



Will you relax?

God, you are such a buzzkill.

Who told you my frat name?

Buzz... ha!

Well, no sign of trauma.

What could have possibly made
you think I was interested in you?

Um,
because I'm interested in you.

I've never been interested
in a woman before.

Attracted, yes.

Terrorized? Absolutely.
Kidnapped by? Once.

But interested? Never.

You gotta jump on this
while you got the chance.

- You don't really want this guy.
- God, you're right.

I don't want someone who's sweet
and handsome and successful

and doesn't offer
to leg-wrestle for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and he isn't being investigated

for insider trading,
and he smells nice.

- Do I?
- You know you do!

Look, you are not a successful,
stable kind of girl.

You're not gonna
be happy with vanilla.

You know, fine!

I have warned you.
Skobo is off the table!

Wh... what? What?
What did... What did you say?

Nothing.

You... you have lost out, baby.

I am gone!

So, I'll be in the basement.

Isn't it beautiful?

That short period of golden
light just before sunset.

It's what photographers
have long, and rightfully so,

called "The Magic Hour."

God! I can't believe
I'm getting married in

two hours.

Two hours? Try 55 minutes.

What?

Danny's stupid
dead-grandmother watch.

Well, just... just calm down.
Calm down.

Look at me. Do I look worried?

What are we doing
just standing here?

I have 20 minutes to
get over 200 photos.

Here's your bouquet.!

That's right.

We, we left the thorns
in to keep you dainty.

No one likes a bride
who carries her bouquet

like a beer bottle.

I can now officially perform
your marriage ceremony.

I got my license renewed

from the internet
church of global peace.

I'm gonna need that
dry-cleaning coupon

there at the bottom.

I have some questions for you.

All right, well,
let's walk and talk, Garf,

because we're
pressed for time here.

Yeah.
What would you and your family

like for me to include
in the ceremony?

Danny and I will
love whatever you do.

And as long as
you're mostly clothed

and don't refer to God as "she,"
my parents will be happy.

Well, of course, I'm not
gonna rip off my own wedding

except for the bagpipes.
Gotta do the bagpipes.

Final touches!
Final touches, everyone!

Hey, Danny. You went
to one of those colleges

that didn't give grades, right?

I have a question about drugs.

Well, you know, we were given a
written comprehensive evaluation.

I don't care how many
hugs you got in geometry.

The literature is contradictory.

I wanna know how
long it lasts when you...

I thought it smelled
like a Phish concert.

- Well, how much did you...
- No, it wasn't me. It was

a friend.

Well...

You tell your friend
to drink a cup of coffee

and maybe...
maybe get some eyedrops.

He's looking a little bloodshot.
All right.

So you just went up to Becca
and told her how you felt?

I thought
you couldn't stand her.

Turns out, I can stand her...
a lot!

If I see something I want,
I go out and I get it.

You know, Johnny and I are in
a similar situation, actually...

Freddy,
we're talking about me here.

Okay, the point is,

unrequited love is for
girls and ugly people.

What are you doing?

You're embarrassing yourself.

You're embarrassing your family.

You're ruining this punch,
which cost $8.50 a head,

which you insisted on,

even though no one has
enjoyed punch since prohibition.

Prohibition!
When buzzkills ruled the earth.

- Well, your time has passed.
- Would you stop it?

You are destroying all the
work you have paid people to do.

I am not a destroyer. I...

I am an enjoyer.

You're the party pooper,

who chose this
morning to tell Alice

you didn't want
her to marry Danny.

I will have you know
I showed admirable restraint.

Hey, I knew Danny
wasn't good enough for her

the first time
she brought him home.

Guys?

Hey guys, if, if we could all just
start getting ready for photos...

- There's a lot to do...
- If you'll allow me...

I'm a little more hysterical.

It's picture time!

Get a wiggle on, everyone!

Listen, if you need hair spray,
gel, Vaseline

for that no-stick smile, then
I suggest you get your heinies outside.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Move it! Move it!

Danny!

I'm getting so nervous
and excited and nervous.

And I think I kind
of have to pee,

but I'm not really sure.
God, I hope not.

This thing is a
bitch to get off.

When were you gonna tell me your father
doesn't want you to marry me?

I guess now

47 minutes before our wedding.

It's 39 minutes
before our wedding.

Son of a...

I'm sorry.

No, I should have seen it.

I mean,
he never laughed at my jokes.

He kept offering to
introduce me to nurses,

and he never used
the wallet I made for him

with his Indian name
burned right into it.

All right, Danny, look,
I know that this hurts.

And this nurse
thing is a new wrinkle

I'd like to investigate.

But I am marrying you,
not my father.

Well,
I have to say something to him.

Please, can't you just
save it for Thanksgiving

when we've all been drinking?

My God.

What did you do, Jane?

What did you do?

The fountain is chocolate.

I know it is, honey,

but right now,
it's time for pictures.

Good.

Here. Let's see.

Here, big teeth. There we go.

That's what that was.

Yeah. Here we go...

Hey, Lorna.

I love you.

I love you, too.

All right. Good.
So I gotta show you this.

- No, no, no. I can't.
- No, this'll blow your mind.

I know...

That was good. Yum.

Big teeth. Big teeth.

Hey, Danny,
can I borrow you for a sec?

Hey, Alice. Got a minute?

Hey, Danny, I couldn't
let today go by without

telling you something.

I just feel like
there's always been...

A special connection between us.

- And I have to say...
- Before it's too late...

- I love you, Danny.
- I love you, Alice.

Okay. Weirdest thing
just happened to me.

I think I might have you beat.

What is she doing?

This is so fun.

Just screw signing
the guest book.

I'm gonna have everyone do this.

You're ruining the tent!

No! No, no, no. I'm not.

No, this is exactly
what this tent needed.

It was too sterile.

Now it looks like
a flock of turkeys.

Lorna!

Someone's in trouble.

I don't want to alarm anyone,

but we are ten minutes away
from having to use a flash,

and that means red
eyes and wrinkles, people.

Red eyes and wrinkles!

Hey, Dad.
Can I ask you something?

- Yeah.
- Come on!

Everybody move it!
Please hurry! Move it, Skobo.

All right...

I'm playing the
bagpipes at your wedding.

Darn it!
I just can't keep a surprise.

Listen,

I just found out Steve
told Alice not to marry me.

What?

Danny.

So what should I do?
Do I confront him?

Let it go.

Like when your opossum died,

and we attached balloons to it,
let it float away.

And it landed in
the neighbor's tree,

where it rotted
until the spring.

Yeah, the point is,

let your anger be that opossum.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay, all right. Thanks, Dad.

Good boy.

Unless, of course,
it was just playing possum.

Okay, we are gonna
do a casual 90210 photo.

Brandon, Brenda, Kelly,
Donna, Steve. Go!

I'm Dylan.

Thank you, Skobo.

Could you please
stand up straight?

Do I have to stand
next to your father?

Um, if Jane gets to move, then
I don't wanna stand next to Becca.

- She keeps grabbing my ass.
- I do not!

You hear that, Dr. Scott?
She's all over me.

Okay, guys,

this is supposed
to be a happy day.

Can we all just get along
for six freakin' hours?

I'm getting along.
Talk to your mother.

Just make sure you show
her something shiny

- to keep her focus.
- Hello.

And here we have the
handsome groom and his father.

I'm calm.
I'm gonna be civil. It's fine.

- You!
- What?

I tried to let it go,
you stinking possum!

- Dad! Come on.
- Say you like my son!

- Stop it!
- Say you like Danny!

Dad! No! Dad!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Dad! Dad!

I really should remind you,
that tux is a rental.

Get him off me!

Please stop it!
This is my wedding day!

I raised my boy to
be good and kind!

And gentle!

Whoa! Whoa! Dad! Come on.

That's not helping.

That's not helping. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You people suck!

What the hell?

You sucker-punched me.

Well, you sucker-punched my son

in the heart.

Look, I know you think
I'm some kind of freak.

But I did not bike here
all the way from Maine

on a spirit quest so
you could mistreat my boy.

Okay, all right, Dad.
I think you made your point.

I'm sure Steve is very sorry.

So why don't you go
cool down now?

Maybe you're right.

All right. Walk it off.

Shake it... shake it out. Good.

Who is it?

How did you find me?

It's Becca, and this is my room.

Jane.

I hope you're enjoying
your little magic carpet ride

because this wedding
is falling apart!

Don't let your father
know I'm here.

Did I ever tell you

that Bob Baron
once proposed to me?

You were almost
Bob Baron's daughter.

Miss Becca Bob Baron.

I'm not sure it works that way,
Mom.

I was gonna be an artist.

I was learning the sitar.

I was gonna raise chickens
and weave all my own clothes.

Wow, that sounds

awful, and you gave all that up?

Yes. I met your father.

He was uptight,
arrogant and condescending,

and he didn't have
any money back then.

I tried to resist him as
long as I could, but...

I always knew he was the one.

And that there would be money.

Right.

Becca.

You remember that boy
that you used to like so much?

The one with the
guitar and all the hair?

- Slash?
- Yes, Slash.

I know that you have a life
planned with Slash, but...

Things just happen and change

in a way that we can't predict.

But Mommy,
we're so perfect for each other.

You can't escape fate.

Damn it, Jane.
This wedding needs you!

But you can hide from it.

Becca, I need you to
decorate Danny's car.

I'm not doing that.

Look, the maid of honor and the
best man decorate the car.

Now, everyone's run off,

and we are in a holding pattern until
Steve can get his tuxedo sewn up.

At which point, we will be lucky

if we can get one photo.
And everyone will blink,

because, of course, they will,
and I'll get blamed for it.

And the only memento we are
going to have of this blessed day

will be three years off my life

and this piece-of-crap
car covered in tin cans.

You couldn't stay away from me,
could you, baby?

Dude, I am not into you!

Sure you are.

You are totally wrong for me!

Aren't we saying the same thing?

Okay, how can I...

How can I explain this
so that you'll understand?

Um...

It seemed like fun at the time

but last night was the
biggest mistake of my life.

And keep in mind,
I have a Creed tattoo on my ass.

Let me tell you something.

This is the first
time in my life

that I have slept with
someone and stuck around.

You had to. You're the best
man at my sister's wedding.

You think that would
have stopped me?

I could've left,
but I felt something for you,

and I expressed
those feelings out loud,

with other people listening.

You turned me gay,

and I am gay for you.

You are such a pathetic loser.

And you are a crazy person
who has no idea what she wants!

- Yeah? I know I wanna do this.
- What?

All right. You know what?
If that's how it's gonna be...

Hey! Whoa!

Nice throw.
I thought you could see now.

Well, these obviously
aren't the right prescription,

because I thought
you were pretty.

I am pretty!

Well, so am I, baby! So am I!

No! Dear God, no.

Pictures now!

We have to shoot something,
anything. Um...

Victor!

Let's shoot the maid of honor
and the best man decorating the car.

Yeah!

Yeah boy!

Let's just hurry
and shoot something.

My stars.

We're gonna need more soap.

Do you like the band Creed?

Well, I guess, Alice told you?

Yeah, I suppose, honesty is
an important part of marriage.

Actually, Alice lied to me.

I found out by eavesdropping.

That sounds more like
the marriage I'm used to.

Look.

I was wrong this morning.

I know Alice loves you.
It's just...

She's my little girl.

It's nothing to do with you.
I wasn't gonna think

anyone was good enough for her.

I can honestly say...

I'm glad that you're the
person I don't approve of.

Thanks, Steve.

Can I give you a hug?

What the hell.

What are two doing?

We are trying to stage a
beautiful moment outside.

Move it!

Yeah.

Move it. Move it.
Thank you. Thank you.

- We decorated the car.
- That's your business. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Let's go. Please hurry, people.
This is our last hope.

Hey, Dad.

- Steve apologized to me.
- Good.

And Steve, I'm sorry
I wrestled you to the ground,

but you insulted my cub,

and I have a very
powerful mothering instinct.

Yeah, well, I'm...

I'm sorry if my kidneys
bruised your fist.

Hurry. Get in a line.
Just, um...

Stand anywhere you want, people.

Just smile, damn it. Smile.

Please be okay...

That's beautiful.
Okay. One... two...

- Three!
- Wait, where's Alice?

She's not there? No, no, no, no.

- Alice?
- No, you can't take it without the bride!

Alice! You're missing your day!

- Alice!
- Alice!

Alice?

How did you find me?

Well, you'd be surprised
how many people remember

a bride running down the street.

So...

Is it cold feet?

No.

No, of course not.

Why'd you take off?

I don't know.

Everybody was arguing

and rolling around in the dirt,

and my mother was acting like Becca
at her junior high graduation.

And I just thought...

This is not how
I pictured my wedding.

I should've listened
to you when you said

we should just run
off and get married.

Well, I was 13 when I said that.

Yeah.

But if you had let
me use your mascara

to darken my mustache, I'm pretty
sure we could have pulled it off.

You know what?

We still can. Let's elope.

Can we do that?

Why not?

It would be so romantic.

Well, yeah.

That's interesting.

We don't have to
give the presents back.

Yeah?

Just once

just once I'd like to see a
wedding I plan actually go off.

The light is lovely.

Seems a shame to waste it.

Fig. Devil eyes.

So what do you think?
Now that you and I are all

you know.

I was seriously thinking about calling
my date and telling her not to come.

- What?
- Yeah, but my gut's telling me

to play it out with
her for the wedding.

I used her miles
to get my ticket.

But hey,
it's totally your call, okay?

It's just... I don't want
to be a jerk about it.

Now I remember why I stopped
doing that horrible stuff.

I like being in control.
I thrive on tension.

I know you do, honey.

Now, look what I've done.

I've ruined Alice's wedding.

And while I was out of it,

some idiot desecrated our tent
with chocolate hand-turkeys.

Why didn't you stop them, Steve?

Good to have you back, honey.

Okay, let's just focus.
Now... where's Alice?