Big City Greens (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat - full transcript

When the Greens visit an indoor pool, Cricket is challenged to jump off the high-dive. Tilly claims that their goat has the spirit of a dog and enters it in a dog show.



♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ La la la la,
la la la la ♪

♪ ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪♪ [whistling]

[chicken clucks]


-It's beautiful!
-An indoor pool!

Now I've seen everything.

This is
the biggest swimming hole
I've ever seen.

I can't wait
to swim into the...



I don't know
if I'm overcome with wonder

or if it's the chemicals
in the water,

but that's the most incredible
thing I've ever seen--

Aah! It's the chemicals.

Tilly, we have to jump off
the high-dive pronto!

[fanfare sounds]

No can do, brother.

There's treasure
in this water,

and I aim to find it.

All right,
you kids all set?


Good, 'cause I will be
taking this opportunity

to relax in the hot tub.

Never tried one before,
but I hear it's very soothing.

Maybe I'll do
some deep breathing, y'know?

[inhales, sighs]

[hacking coughs]

[all coughing]

Cut the chatter
and listen up.

I just got my hair did,
and it looks gorgeous.

But if one drop of water
get on there and ruins it,

I'll have all your heinies!

Don't worry, Ma,
we'll splash
in the other direction.

-I mean we won't splash at all!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be soaking my pigs.

I don't get it, Grandma.
What's the point

of soaking your toes
if you got a wooden leg?

-'Cause I do what I--
-Eh! Eh!

Now, go have fun.


Move aside!
Move aside!

Making my way
to the high dive!

Yeah, my dad
said I couldn't,

but then I totally
did it anyway.

I didn't even care.

[all] Wow!

♪ High dive,
high dive ♪

♪ I'm gonna jump
off the high dive ♪

What? You're gonna jump
off the high dive?

Who do you think
you are?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Nah, I'm just kidding.
I'm Cricket Green.

And I'm a fearless boy!

Uh, no kid is brave enough
to jump off the high dive.

Do you have a death wish
or something?

Aren't you scared?

Scared? Pfft.

I don't even know
the meaning of that word.

Then I guess you've never
heard the story

of Pink-Belly Pat.

[lisping] No, Carlos!
Don't tell him!

No, Carlos, tell me.
Who's Pink-Belly Pat?

Oh, he's the last kid
to jump off the high dive.

What happened to him?

Some say when he crashed
into the water,

he smashed into a million,
billion pieces!

I heard he did a gut-buster
and busted his guts all over!

I was there.

It was a bwood bath!

One thing's for sure--

wherever he is now,

he's all messed up!

So, what do you
say to that?

I say I'll wave to ya
on the way down!

My journey to discover
sunken treasure begins.

Will I find it?

I do not know.

To a land-dweller,

the mysterious creatures
of the deep

can look downright alien.

In my search, I find
mysterious objects

but still no treasure.

Okay, mister thief,

you think you can
just steal my dive ring?

-I didn't take it!
-I know it was you!

-[both] Huh?

You see this hair?
It's gorgeous.

And it needs
to stay gorgeous!

So keep your water
in the pool!

[both laugh]

She's trying to play!

I'm tryin' to drown ya!


Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Uhh!

Oh... hey.

This is pretty nice.

No worries,
no problems, no kids.

Ain't nothin' bad
can get me here.

[yelps, gasps]

Oh, my goodness!
My shorts!

-[children chattering]
-Oh, no.

[gasps] Check it out!

That kid's gonna jump
off the high dive!

Huh? Unh!

You're not gonna want
to miss this one, folks!

Cricket Green will be making
the dive of the century!

[all chanting]
Cricket! Cricket! Cricket!

Say hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho!

Hey, who wants to see me
do a flip on the way down?

Holler if you want
to see me do a flip... oh.

Cricket! Cricket!

Cricket! Cricket!

Oh, it's no use. That boy's
having the time of his life.

Okay, locker room's
over there.

Maybe I can just make
a mad dash for it.

-On the count of three...
-Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you,

but we were hoping
to join you in the hot tub!

I don't think
that's such a good idea.

-Everybody in!
-No. No!!!

I've searched
every inch of the sea floor,

but still no treasure.

Hold on,
what's this, now?

The treasure!

[contented sigh]


What? Whose kids
are these?

You look like
the oatmeal man.

He wishes he looked
this good!

Is your hair real?

Hands off my hair!


Again! Again!

[all] Me next!

What? Stay back,
you wet rats!

What's it take to scare
a bunch of kids around here?!

Huh? Oh!
Well, hello, idea!

Okay, uh, now everybody
say "Hoo-hah-hee-ah-oo!"


Quit stalling!

Unless you're having
second thoughts!

[sighs] Uh, okay!


[quavers] Here goes nothing!

No. No. No!!!

I can't do it!


Well, well, well.

Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.

Wind conditions
up there, terrible.

It's just not good
jumpin' weather.

Save it.
I knew you'd chicken out.

Come on, guys.
Nothing to see here

except the big ol' coward.

What a coward.

No, I-- Hmm.

You are a coward!

You said you were fearless,

but it turns out you're
just a dang fear-more.

Fear-more ain't even a word.

[sighs] You're right.

I must dive deeper
than I ever have before.

The elusive treasure
is within my grasp.

[gasps] No!

Betrayed by the buoyancy
of my own air tank!

I curse you, foul sea,

but I do not give up.

Uh, hey, friend,
is there a problem?

Sorry. Not trying
to be rude.

It's just, you see,
I'm-- I'm very sick,

and you don't want
to get in this water.

It's bad water.

Look, it's okay.

I'm trying to teach my children
the value of patience.

I can't wait
to learn patience!

So we'll just wait
until you're done!
No need to explain.

-In fact, we'll be right
over here on this bench.

Right in front
of the old locker room.

Take your time!

I never knew a hot tub
could be so cold.

[gasps] Cricket!
Cricket! Over here, boy!

Oh, thank goodness!
You gotta help me.

I turned on the jets,

and all of a sudden
my shorts were--

Uh, something
the matter, son?

I chickened out on the high dive
in front of everyone.

I can't believe it.
I was scared!

I thought
I was a fearless boy.

Son, feeling afraid
isn't really a bad thing.

Yes, it is!
Of course it is!

I can't have fear
holding me back.

Now, now, hold on, son.

It's more like--
It's like that banner.

See that sea lion?

He's actually terrified
of beach balls,

and yet he's facing
one head-on.

Courage isn't
not having fear,

it's being afraid
of something

and going through
with it anyway.


You know, sometimes
fear is good.

It keeps you
from doing foolish things,

like getting
your pants ripped off,

which is
why I need you to...

He's gone.


A leg! There's a human leg
in the water!

Everyone, out!

Oh? Aah!


That's right!
No more splashing today!

[whistle blaring]

Sorry, kid. Leg in the water
means pool is closed.

What? No. Please.

I gotta do this.
It's my last chance.

Oh, yeah? Well, law school
was my last chance.

Things don't always
work out.

[gibbers] Hey!
Hey, get back here!

Hey! Thank you,
sea lion. Mwah.


I did it!

Oh, boy.

[children yelling
and gasping]

[Cricket grunting]

He's higher
than the high dive!

He won't do it.
He's too scared!

You're right.
I am scared.

I'm gosh-dang terrified.

But like the might sea lion,
I am also courageous!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

He did it!

He let go?!


Everyone's distracted.
Now's my chance.

Forgive me, pal.


[all] Yay!

Family time!

Aah! Still falling!

Mm? Aah!

My hair!



[coughs] I did it!

Uh! Huh? I did it!

[kids chanting]

Uh, okay, everybody.
Fun day at the pool.

Oh, no! My keys.
I left my keys in my shorts.

Behold, the glittering bounty
of the deep.

Tilly, you're
a lifesaver!

Now, let's go home
and burn my hat.



Um, I just got here.
Who's Cricket?

[gasps] You mean you never heard
the tale of Cricket Green?

[chanting] Milk!
Milk! Milk! Milk!

Milk! Milk! Milk!

Um, I don't know
if I'm old enough to see this.

Shh. Don't look away.

[Cricket and Tilly]
Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!

Milk! Milk... Milk.

What's wrong, Dad?

Same thing as last week.

No milk! This goat
is just not a good goat.

Her name's Melissa.


Poor Melissa.

We gotta figure out
what's wrong with you.

Look me in the eyes, girl.

What, have you gone dry?

Uh, is she okay?

Shh. You mustn't
break the link.

I understand.

I know what's wrong
with Melissa! She's...

-a dog.

That's why she hasn't been
giving us any milk.

She's not a goat.
She's a dog.

No, no, no, Tilly,
you must be mistaken.

That is a dog.

[flies buzzing]

No, this is different.

Melissa has the spirit
of a dog.


Whatever you say, Tilly.

Tilly's got her own way
of looking at things.

We just kind of
roll with it.

It's never hurt
anyone before.

-I wish there was something
we could do for Melissa,

something to make her feel
like a real dog.

-[dogs snarling]
-[Brett humming]

-Hi, Brett!
-Oh, hey, little neighbors!

[Cricket] And where are
these fancy boys off to?

Oh, they're competing
in the Big City Dog Show.

It's just like
where a dog can be a dog,

and be judged for it!

A dog show?
That's perfect!

We should enter Melissa.

You want to enter
that goat into a dog show?

Well, what she means,
Brett, is--

That's awesome! I bet
you win the whole thing.

Huh. Well,
if Brett's impressed...

Tilly, we're going
to a dog show!

Oh, Cricket, I'm so happy
I could spit.


Mm... I can't...
It won't...

Just put it back
in your mouth, Remy.


Who's a good boy?

You are.
Yes, you are!

Dylan, she needs
the floofer!

Get the floofer, Dylan!

Well, sure are
a lot of dogs here.

Wow, this is great!

My parents never
let me pet dogs!

[skin stretching]

Remy, let me
ask you something.

Do you parents not let you
pet dogs because you're
wildly allergic?


But that won't stop me
from petting all these
fancy dogs!

They might be
fancy city dogs,

but there ain't a dog
in the whole world like Melissa.

Make way!
Make way!

Excuse me, we're registering
the winning dog.

Are you referring to that
unkempt flea-ridden throw rug?

-[flies buzzing]

Oh, no, that's Phoenix.

She's just here
for moral support.

This is our winning dog.


[slurps tea]

Well, let's take a look
at this creature.

The devil's horns...

scraggly beard...

toenails for feet!

Can this thing
even bark?

Melissa, bark.


You must be joking.

Ms. Uppinsbottom,
in examining our rulebook,

nowhere in it does it say
that a goat can't compete.

I say we let them in.

I'm due
for a good chortle!

[all laughing]


All right,
we'll let the goat in.

Heh. Well, we'll be the ones
laughing when Melissa wins.

Right, Tilly?

That was great.
How'd you do that?

[imitates bleating]


Welcome, folks,

to the tenth annual
Big City Dog Show.

Right now,
dogs from all over Big City

are just getting warmed up.

Bathsheba, do you have
any words to say
to your competition?


Savage as ever.

Let's take a look at some
of the other competitors.



Lay down.

Go to sleep.


Throw up!

[announcer] Zero, zero,
and an unprecedented
negative one!

Wow. Negative scores.
It's funny!

[laughing, chattering]

This is fun,
isn't it, girl?

what happened?

Why didn't Millicent
do any tricks?

Oh, dogs just do
what they want, you know?

Dogs just do
what they want?

Okay, okay, I think
I got it now.

Uh, Remy, can I talk
to you for a minute
over in this direction?

Okay! Aah!

What's going on,

Listen, Tilly's got
a unique perspective,

but she doesn't get
that people
are making fun of her.

When she realizes,
she'll be crushed,

humiliated, and emotionally
stunted for life!

We gotta protect her
from that.

So what do we do?


[laughing cheerlessly]

Wait, but what
are we doing?

We're gonna sabotage
the dog show.

Oh. Yeah!

[announcer] Let's see how Muffin
does in our beauty competition!

[crowd cheers]

Ladies and gentlemen,
she looks amazing!

And now,
for the meditation contest.

Hey, dog, what's
that over there?

Oh, my gosh,
there's a fire!

You got something
on your butt!

[eastern music riff plays]

Hey, doggie.

I'm a big squirrel!

Bet you wanna chase me
all over the arena, huh!

-Oh, hey, Phoenix.

Aah! Bad dog!
Bad dog!

Through the hoop, Melissa.
Come on.

Good dog.



Cow dang it,
nothing's worked.

And Tilly and the goat
are still tanking hard.

There's gotta be something
to distract these dogs.

[flies buzzing]


It's all come down
to this, folks,

the agility course!

And up first, it's...

Oh, the goat.

We can just cut
to commercial here, right?

All right, Melissa,
let's do this.

On your mark,
get set...

Wait, what's going on?

The dogs have gone
out of control!

[exclaiming in fear]

Everyone, please,
remain seated.

Sit! Sit!



Angela, Dante, Bernice?

You're supposed to be
on Phoenix.

[laughing] How do you like
them fleas, huh?


Cricket, what
are you doing?

Why are you wrecking
the dog show?

Oh, uh, I'm just giving Melissa
an edge on the competition.

Why? Don't you think
Melissa can do it?

Tilly, I was just saving you
from humiliation.

I don't know
if you realize it,

but all these people
are laughing at you.

Yeah, I know.

I hate to tell you--
Wait, what?

Look, Cricket, I know
they're making fun of me.

That's not important.

What's important is that Melissa
was having a good time.

But now, thanks to you,
it's all ruined.

Come on, Melissa,
let's go.

evacuate the stadium!

The dog show
is officially over!

[dogs barking]

Let's get out of here!

These dogs are behaving
like animals!

Gotta make this right.

[whistles] Remy!



This dog show
ain't over yet!

This day just keeps
getting better!

Hurry! Hurry!

-Huh? Children!

You gotta stay and watch
my sister and Melissa.

-The goat.

Ugh. We're not sticking
around this madness
to watch a goat.

I didn't want it
to come to this!

Well, actually,
I kind of did.

Nobody's going nowhere!

You're all gonna watch
Tilly and Melissa perform,

or I'll flea-ify you!


Oh, and Remy gets to pet
your little purse dog.

Ugh, all right!
We'll stay and watch the goat.

But we're not
going to like it.


dog show participants!

My name is Cricket Green,
and I have an announcement!

Tilly, I'm sorry
about earlier.

I was so busy
trying to protect you

that I couldn't see
that I was hurting you.

I'm proud of you
and Melissa!

So you go out there
and you show 'em what you got!

Because the judges
will be watching closely.

-Won't you?
-Yes, yes, absolutely!

I support you,
Tilly Green, 1,000%!

I only need 100.

All right, girl,
I know things are tough,

but tough is just a word
in a big book of other words,

like potato and boondoggle.

The only thing that matters
is that you go out there

and show 'em what kind of dog
you really are.

Just remember,
there's no "I" in goat,

but there is an O and a G,
and that almost spells "dog."

Now, let's go get 'em!
What do you say?



-Go, Tilly!

Aw! Uhh... uhh... achoo!


My baby!

Melissa, fetch!


-Oh, no!

I don't believe it.

The spirit of a dog!


I knew you could
do it, Melissa.

Now that's a dog!

Thank goodness you're safe.

Little girl, never before

have we seen such brilliance
under pressure,

or such a fine fetch.

Does this mean
they win the show?

Goodness, no.

And based on the amount
of property damage
you've caused,

just be thankful
we don't call the police.

Ugh. [whistles]
Tilly, Remy, time to go!

[all quaver]

♪♪ [whistling]

By the power vested in me,

I hereby declare Melissa,

the goat who is a dog,

the winner of the First Annual
Green Family Dog Show.



Sorry I ever
doubted you, Tilly.

I forgive you...

-this time.

-Mr. Green?
-Yes, Remy?

Could you drive me
to the hospital?

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet
and got bit by 100 flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch and
scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters
at seven and ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow,
I'll do it all again ♪