Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 26 - Aunt Clara's Victoria Victory - full transcript

[Ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.

Morning, Samantha.
Has Darrin left yet?

- He left at 5:00 this morning.
- Oh.

Driving up to Bridgeport to take
care of that account for you. Why?

I was hoping to catch
him before he left.

It's that new client,
Mr. Morgan, our prize headache.

Oh, yes. I've heard about him.

I'm sure Darrin hasn't told you all about
him. He doesn't use that kind of language!

Well, he told me what
kind of a tyrant he is.

Tyrant is putting it mildly. He's
still living in the Victorian Age,



when the louder you
talked, the righter you were.

He wasn't due until
tomorrow, but he checked

in at the Hartford
Hotel this morning.

No, no, no, don't bother. As
long as Darrin's already gone,

I'll, uh, just handle him solo.

- Thanks anyway, Sam.
- Oh, you're welcome, Larry. Bye-bye.

Well, what was all that about?

It's just that Darrin's firm has a new
client that's been giving them trouble.

Seems he's some
sort of a tyrant.

Acts as though he's still
living in the Victorian Age.

Oh, now, don't you say anything
against the Victorian Age. I loved it.

Those were the days.

Did you know I was once
lady-in-waiting to Queen Victoria?

Really? I didn't know that!



No, you and your mother
were in Tibet at the time.

I just had an urge to
rub elbows with royalty.

[Chuckles] And the more I
think of it, the more I like the idea.

What idea?

To go back to the Victorian Age.

Well, now, Aunt Clara, do
you really think that's wise?

I-I-I mean unless you're absolutely
sure you know the right spell.

I wouldn't want you to
end up in the wrong century.

No, don't you worry about me.
Oh, I still have a lot on the ball.

Now, watch. Eye of newt,

leg of spider, Queen
Victoria, tallyho.

I cast my spell, and off I go.

Your Majesty.

You're not Queen Victoria.

Well, I'm sorry about that, Aunt
Clara. But I'm just as glad you didn't go.

Wouldn't want you to get
lost or anything. [Laughs]

We don't know where we are,

but we are not amused.

[Bell Tinkling]

You said you were
her lady-in-waiting.

Well, what does a
lady-in-waiting do?

When the bell rings,
you run like crazy.

Your Majesty. I'm Clara.

- Your lady-in-waiting.
- Clara?

We don't recall the name,
but the face is vaguely familiar.

Your Majesty always said I was the
vaguest person you had ever known.

Clara. We... Clara,
your limbs are showing!

Oh, yes. Well, they are
sticking out, aren't they, madam?

You wouldn't dare set foot
out of the palace like that,

yet you have the
audacity, the temerity...

Your Majesty...
We do not speak...

until we are spoken to.

Well, I-I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

Who are you?

Well, I-I'm the niece
of your lady-in-waiting.

Niece? You look
more like a nephew.

Where... Where are we?

Have I been spoken to?

You have been spoken to.

Well, speak up, Samantha.

I forgot the question.

Clara.

We know where we are.

We want to find out if
you know where you are.

Well, I'm in New
York, Your Majesty.

The United States of America?

- Yes.
- President McKinley!

Where?

We must make immediate preparations
for President McKinley to call.

If you'll excuse me for just
a moment, Your Majesty.

Young lady!

Yes? We never turn
our back upon our queen.

Oh. Uh...

Well, I beg your
pardon, Your Majesty.

I was just going outside to get the morning
paper so that I could show Her Majesty...

that she is in the 20th century.

Mr. Morgan. Good to see you again. If
I'd known you were coming in a day early...

If you'd known when I was coming in, you'd
know as much about my business as I do.

Yes. But Mr. Stephens is in charge of
your account, and he won't be back until...

I'm the one who's in
charge of my account.

The trouble with you advertising
men is that you don't have any initiative.

I pay you to work out
a campaign and then I

have to do all the work
myself. What's this?

Oh, these are the layouts that
Mr. Stephens has been working on.

Now, if you'll notice the way
we worked the trade name in...

Don't talk when I'm thinking.

And don't turn your back
on me. Pay attention.

I am paying
attention, Mr. Morgan.

I asked you not to talk
while I'm trying to think.

Mr. Morgan, I'm sure you're not
paying us all this money to remain silent.

I've helped Mr. Stephens
on this campaign and...

The blind leading the blind.

Mr. Morgan, I hope
you know... Uh-uh-uh-uh.

We're talking again.

I can't help it. I
can't remain silent.

Mr. Morgan, we're trying
very hard to modernize...

Now, now, we're not angry with
you. It's just that I'm always hoping...

that someday I'll find someone who
can do something without my assistance.

It's the same in my
factory. There isn't a

man who can do anything
without my assistance.

When did you say this
Stephens will be back?

I talked to his wife earlier, and
she said... I'd like to meet his wife.

I judge a man by the wife he selects.
If she'd like to have us for cocktails,

I drink martinis.

[TV Announcer] Meanwhile, as the northern
states shivered in a near-record cold wave,

Southern Californians
flocked to the beaches

in temperatures
ranging in the high 80s.

Oh, Aunt Clara,
isn't it marvelous...

how she's adjusted to
the 20th century? Yes.

She always said that royalty could
not indulge in the luxury of surprise.

Surfing conditions were excellent,
and the unusually warm weather...

produced more than its share
of bikini-clad sun worshippers...

showing off the latest fashions.

Has neither one of you
the decency to faint?

Ooh!

Come, Clara!

[Stammering]

[Coughs] We are not amused.

[Doorbell Rings]

[Glass Crunches]

Larry! Hi, Samantha.

Hi. I didn't expect you.

Uh, it's one of those
unexpected days.

Here's your paper. You came all the
way from the city just to bring my paper?

Uh...

Samantha, I have a great favor
to ask. Couldn't you have phoned?

I was afraid you'd say no. This
way I can get down on my knees.

[Laughs] What is it?

- It's Mr. Morgan.
- Oh, the terrible tiger.

Could you invite him to cocktails? I-I
realize it's a terrible imposition, but...

You know Darrin isn't
here. Couldn't you...

- But he wants to meet you.
- Me?

He judges men by their wives.

Larry, well, if there's anything I
could do to help, I'd... What's... that?

Uh...

Uh...

- And what happened
to your television set?
- Uh...

This way, Your Majesty.

What the...

Shh. We do not speak
until we are spoken to.

[Glass Crunches]

Her Majesty expresses
her appreciation,

your bringing her
the evening paper.

[Crunching]

An aunt of mine. Thinks
she's Queen Victoria.

I knew you had one
peculiar aunt, but...

Two. They try to outdo each
other. Sort of friendly competition.

Samantha,

Mr. Morgan's account runs
well over a million dollars.

Would it be asking
too much of you to, uh,

keep the royalty out of sight
while Mr. Morgan is here?

Oh, yes, Larry. I understand.

Good. Well, uh, then I'll see you at
5:00 with Mr. Morgan for cocktails. Bye.

Good, Larry. Bye-bye. [Sighs]

[Clara] Good news! I hope so.

She likes your bedroom.

Oh, that's nice.

And more good news.

She feels the same about
the 20th century as I do.

Now we're going
to get some action.

I hope not.

Oh, Clara, the world is
in a terrible state of affairs.

Oh, it is in a mess.

Indians massacre Chicago!

Oh, no. No, Your Majesty.
That's the baseball page.

- Baseball?
- Yes. It's a game.

I'm very vague
about it, but I think...

it has something to
do with eating hot dogs.

Oh... well.

What are we, Victoria
Regina, Queen of the

United Kingdom of
Great Britain and Ireland,

Empress of India... what are
we doing in the 20th century?

Providence obviously
desires our assistance...

in straightening things out.

Oh! We accept the
divine right of kings...

as a divine
responsibility and duty!

Clara, fetch us pen and paper.

We shall begin by
issuing some decrees.

Oh, uh, another
martini, Mr. Morgan?

Why, thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

My husband is looking forward to
the pleasure of working with you.

Well, he should be. He'll have the
benefit of all my years of experience.

Her Majesty would like some tea.

Majesty?

Uh, our daughter is like a
princess. We call her "Your Majesty."

Very charming.

Would you excuse
me for a moment?

Aunt Clara.

[Muttering]

Aunt Clara, whatever you do,

don't let her come downstairs.

Oh, no one tells her what to
do. She has a mind of her own.

Aunt Clara, you just
have to send her back.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

We are going to straighten
out the 20th century.

She has the brains.
I have the magic.

But I must be very discreet,

because she mustn't
know that I'm a witch.

Clara! We will start with
the Western Hemisphere.

Oh, yes. Oh!

You saw her? What was she?

She's my Aunt Harriet. She
thinks she's Queen Victoria.

Well! [Chuckles]

Well, i-if you could
just ignore her.

Ignore her? Why, I admire her!

She's my kind of woman.

I say, if you have to go out of
your mind, go out in a big way!

Um... here she is.

Will you be kind enough to
present me to Her Majesty?

Uh, Your Majesty, may
I present Mr. Morgan?

You may rise, Mr. Morgan.

We were impressed with you the
moment we saw you. You hear that?

You remind us of Mr. Gladstone.

No kiddin'? I've always reminded
myself of a big shot like Gladstone.

You know, cracking
the whip over Parliament.

We detest Mr. Gladstone.

That's what I call
a real regal attitude.

Not afraid to speak out.

I'm that way myself.
I... [Clears Throat]

Why don't you two run along and let me have
a private little chat with Her Majesty?

Well, I... Ah, ah, ah. You're
arguing with me, Tate.

Sorry. Mm-hmm.

Off with you.
Off, off, off, off.

Now, let's you and I
have a V.I.P. conversation.

You tell me how
you run your empire.

I'll tell you how I run
my mattress factory.

Sir, have you
forgotten yourself?

Oh, not a chance! I never
forget me... or anything else.

I have a memory
like a steel trap.

We have not given you
permission to seat yourself.

Oh, come on, come on.
Sit down. Let's talk empires.

Even Mr. Gladstone has
greater respect for the Crown.

Ow! Now, take it
easy, Your Majesty.

Let's keep this on a
basis of friendly equality.

Equality? [Scoffs]

You're the commonest
commoner I've ever encountered.

No gentleman would seat himself before
a lady, let alone the queen of England.

Well?

Now, look. I'm trying
to go along with you.

I'm trying to be friendly with
you. But don't push me too far.

You will kindly...

show proper
respect for the Crown.

I told you to cut that out!

That is better. You
shall remain on your feet.

Enough is enough!
I'll say it is, Mr. Morgan.

Excuse me, Your
Majesty. May I escort you

upstairs? Perhaps you'd
like to take a little nap.

You keep out of this,
Tate. I can handle this nut.

We are not amused.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.
But this self-appointed...

emperor of a mattress
factory has it coming to him.

- We haven't given anyone
permission to speak.
- Oh, shut up!

[Larry] Don't you tell anyone
in this house to shut up.

This is Darrin Stephens's house.
He's the one who says shut up!

May I speak for your husband?

Oh, b-b-be my guest.

Shut up.

How do you like that?

I finally got up
enough nerve to do it.

Your Majesty. We
humbly apologize.

We shall retire to
our bedchamber.

If we decide to forgive,
we shall notify you.

Larry, I'm very proud the
way you stood up to him,

but in view of the fact that it's a
million-dollar account, don't you...

Songwriters are missing
the greatest hit in the world.

You know, they should put
music to those words. "Shut up."

Samantha. Yes?

Do you have someplace
I could lie down?

Would you like an ice pack?
No, thanks. I just want to lie down.

Guest room's at
the top of the stairs.

All the time I was
telling him off, I was

wondering why I wasn't
the least bit worried.

Now I know. The
time hadn't come yet.

Now I'm worried.

[Softly] You are falling asleep.

You are falling asleep.

Deeper and deeper asleep.

You are dreaming that
you are Queen Victoria.

[Samantha] You run your factory
just like Queen Victoria ran her empire.

Oh, we certainly do.

If anybody gets out of line,
we let them have it with our fan.

You ring your little bell,
and everybody jumps.

[Tinkles] You're fired!

You sit on your little throne and
tell everybody how to do everything.

We are not amused with
your advertising campaign.

But you are not Queen Victoria.
You're only a petty little tyrant.

And as you think
back in history,

you know how tyrants
came to their end.

[Car Door Closes] Larry.

What is it?

It's Mr. Morgan.
He's back. Morgan!

Mm-hmm. Let me
think. Let me think.

Let me think of a good
apology. [Doorbell Rings]

I can be the most
apologetic person in the

world when I put my
heart and soul into it.

May I come in? Yes, of course.

I won't stay a moment. Is
Mr. Tate still here? Mr. Morgan.

Well, Tate!

I just came by to tell you of
the most wonderful dream I had.

I dreamed I was Queen
Victoria. Isn't that fantastic?

It suddenly dawned on me
that you were telling the truth.

I have been running
my business like a tyrant,

treating people as though
I were the queen mother.

The queen bee! Of course
that's absolute nonsense!

You're talking
while I'm talking.

Sorry. [Chuckles]

Nobody else has ever
dared tell me to my face.

I admire you, Tate. You're the kind
of man I want to handle my account.

And I'll keep my nose out
of it. Oh, no, no, Mr. Morgan.

You're talking again. Sorry.

[Chuckles] Well, that's
all I came by to say.

I'll see you and Stephens at the
office when he gets back. Hmm?

Good. Good-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Night-night,
Mr. Morgan. Nighty-night.

Well, how about that?

Yes, how about that!

Now, if I can make it to my car,

I think I'll go home
and have a double.

Nighty-night. Nighty-night.

Oh.

Her Majesty will be
down in a moment.

Oh, really, Aunt Clara. Darrin is going to
be home soon, and she cannot be here!

Now, please. Send her back.

I, uh... I've
forgotten the spell.

Well, you leave
me no alternative.

I may not be able to send her back,
but I can certainly get her down here.

[Gasping] How did we get here?

We didn't come down the stairs,

and we don't recall jumping.

We came here like
this, Your Majesty.

- I am a witch.
- We do not approve
of such things.

Sorcery and
witchcraft are forbidden.

Clara, you are her
aunt. You're not a witch?

Well, we can't all be
perfect, Your Majesty.

I do seem to recall
my beloved Albert...

Even Albert liked you.

If we had known this
in the 19th century,

we would have had you flogged.

Our memory may be bad,

but when we get mad,
we remember our spells.

Eye of a newt, leg of a spider,

Queen Victoria, tallyho.

I cast my spell and off you go.

Oh, Aunt Clara! Now
we've got Prince Albert!

Maybe I didn't use
enough English on it.