Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 27 - The Crone of Cawdor - full transcript

[Samantha] Well, I'm meeting
Darrin for lunch about 1:00,

so if you got here about
noon, it'd be perfect.

Okay? Bye-bye.

Who was that, honey?
The sitter? Mm-hmm.

Who'd you get? My mother.

Since when do you talk to your mother
on the phone? I wasn't on the phone.

Oh.

Honey, about lunch.

I've been wondering, is it
wise to go to La Bella Donna?

The service is awfully
slow. Oh, sweetheart.

The whole point is that's where we had
lunch on our first date three years ago.



If the service had been any faster,
we might never have gotten married.

That's true.

U-Unless, of course,
you haven't got the time.

Well, I do have a
very heavy afternoon.

But I've only got one appointment
this morning: the Warbell Dress account.

Warbell? I thought you said he
was one of your toughest clients.

He is, but I'm meeting
with his daughter, Terry.

She's been made advertising
manager of the firm.

Look, just call me if
you have a problem.

It's wonderful you
remembered. Most men don't

even remember their
wedding anniversary.

They would if they were
married to you. Mmm!

Because you...
are unforgettable.

What did I ever
do to deserve you?



That's what I've been
asking ever since you married.

Endora, this day is so special that
not even you are going to spoil it.

Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, darling.

Good-bye, Endora, dear.

I may be violently ill.

Mother? Hmm.

You know very well you catch more
flies with honey than with vinegar.

Tell that to the Dodger
outfield. [Laughs]

[Horn Honks]

Hi! Aren't you Darrin Stephens?

Yes, I am. I don't believe...

No, we haven't met. But we're
supposed to in about 20 minutes.

I'm Terry Warbell.
Oh, how do you do?

Isn't this a coincidence?
It certainly is.

I thought your folks
lived in Larchmont.

They do, but since I'm going to
be working with McMann and Tate,

I got an apartment
not far from here.

Well, how about that? I better
hurry. I'll be late for our meeting.

I have an idea. Why don't you ride
down with me, and we can talk on the way?

Well, that's very sweet of you, but
I'll be needing my car later on today.

That's an even better
idea. I'll go along with you.

But, uh... uh...

You see, the sooner
we get started,

the earlier we'll finish. Okay.

There, that's a
human being for you.

One minute he's so sweet you
have to go on a sugar-free diet.

And then he goes out and picks
up the first gorgeous face he sees.

Mother, he was
just giving her a lift.

From what I can see, vice versa.

Any woman whose husband
remembers the date...

of their first meeting has
nothing to worry about.

I'm glad you feel
that way, darling.

I do. Good.

Do you really think
she was that gorgeous?

Oh, comme ci, comme ça.

And although I understand
Warbell's interest

in a class magazine
like Knickerbocker's,

my study shows that, on
a cost-per-thousand basis,

we could do much better in some
of the mass circulation magazines.

How do you feel? Just wonderful.

I-I mean about the mass
circulation magazines.

- The what?
- Miss Warbell...

- Terry.
- Uh, Terry. I, uh...

I think you have
something on your mind.

I do. I was wondering where
we were going for lunch.

Lunch. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid that's impossible. I
have a very important lunch date.

Oh, and you can't
break it? Even for me?

I just couldn't.

Well, Darrin, how are you getting along
with the loveliest advertising manager...

ever to grace these offices?

Fine, fine. Everything okay?

I think he's absolutely marvelous,
even if he won't take me to lunch.

Well, most of our clients feel that
Darrin... Won't take you to lunch?

It's just that I have a very
important engagement I can't break.

Darrin, you must be
sick, or you wouldn't even

dream of turning down
this lovely young lady,

even if she weren't the daughter of
one of our oldest and biggest accounts.

Sorry, i-it's just
one of those things.

See you a minute, old man?

Uh, certainly. Excuse me.

Be right back.

What do you mean, you can't
break your lunch date? Who's it with?

Samantha. Your wife?
You're putting me on.

Larry, it's a very
important lunch.

What's so important
about lunch with your wife?

Well, it's the anniversary
of our first meeting.

Big deal! Bring
her a box of candy!

Larry, I promised. So what? Now,
take it from an older and wiser hand.

It won't be the last
promise you break.

You read me?

Larry... Darrin, my
boy, remember this.

At McMann and Tate,
no sacrifice is too great.

You lucky son of a gun.

Now, get on the horn and
tell Sam the lunch is off.

Larry, we've been through this
before. There's no sense threatening me.

Oh. Well, let's put it this way.

You take Miss Warbell
to lunch, or you're fired.

Now I read you.

How do I look?

Too good for him. Oh, Mother.

Now, in just a little while,
Darrin and I will be reliving...

one of the most romantic
moments of our lives.

Now, can't you try to be a
little happy for us? All right.

But it's very difficult to change
the habit of a lifetime, dear.

[Phone Rings] Excuse me.

Hello. Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Uh, Samantha, something's come up.
I'm afraid I won't be able to make lunch.

Oh, sweetheart. Business, huh?

- What else?
- Oh, I don't know.

I thought maybe Miss Warbell
had swept you off your feet.

- Is that who you're
having lunch with?
- Uh, that's right. Exactly.

We haven't finished
our business, see.

I see. Is she as pretty as that girl I saw
getting in the car with you this morning?

They're, uh, practically
identical, if you know what I mean.

Y-You mean that's Miss Warbell?

- That's right.
- How'd she know
where you live?

I'll explain that to
you tonight... if I can.

Well, all right,
sweetheart. Bye-bye.

Well, what's the story?

Darrin's taking
a client to lunch.

You mean it's that girl he
drove off with this morning?

Oh, Mother, it's business,
pure and simple. [Scoffs]

Don't talk to me about
being pure. I saw that girl,

and I'd like to know what
kind of business. Really!

You're my daughter, and if that
mortal means so much to you...

And I can't imagine why...

But if he does, you've
got to do something.

Like what? Well, if I were
you, I'd pop in to that office,

and I'd find out
what was going on.

Well, you're not me.

Now, you handle things your
way, and I'll handle things mine.

That's a good idea.

Oh, Mother! That's
not what I meant!

We should be back about 2:00, Betty.
Where would you like to have lunch?

Anywhere you say. You still have
a reservation at La Bella Donna,

if you'd like to eat there.

Well, uh, the service
there is awfully slow.

Sounds perfect. That's
where I'd like to go.

Well, Betty, then we'll be back
in an hour and a half or two hours.

Yes, Mr. Stephens.
Oh, Miss Warbell,

I'm dying to ask you a question.

What is it? Do you think
boots will be popular next year?

I'd say that all depends on how
Boots behaves herself this year.

Well, shall we go?
I'm starved. Yes.

Oh! I don't want to
leave without my notes.

I hate to rush you
through lunch, but I have

a lot of notes to go
through, and, uh...

Oh, uh, excuse me a minute.

Oh, there you are, Miss Warbell.

I'm Miss Krovistrod. I write the
fashion copy for Tate and McMann.

I've seen your
picture a million times.

Now, I just want to get a little advance
on what you're planning for next season.

Uh, are we through with those long
skirts the girls have been wearing?

I do hope so. They're so
dreary, don't you agree?

Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Then we can look forward to
hemlines being raised next season.

Oh, definitely. I think if a girl
has something, she should show it.

Now, I would like your opinion
about the new polyester fabrics.

Or don't you care
for her designs?

Oh, uh, I think Polly Esther is
as good as the next designer.

Oh, I'm glad you feel
that way. Thanks much!

This time I'm gonna
keep these in my hand.

Abner! Aren't ya
ever gonna get up?

What for? I wanna talk to you.

Talk. Well, how can you
listen when you're asleep?

Same way I listen
when I'm awake.

[Doorbell Rings]

Yes. Yes! I don't know.

I... I beg your pardon?

I seem to... I don't know.

I think I'm lost.

Oh, well, don't let it bother you.
People your age often forget.

But I'm only 24.

What! Abner! Wake up.

Wake up! Abner, there's an old hag
at the door, and she says she's only 24!

I told you sooner or later
your mother would flip.

Can you imagine a fashion
expert not knowing anything...

about miniskirts or
boots or synthetic fabrics?

Well, she was probably
being funny. Don't you think?

No, phony. I tell you,
that woman's a fake.

Mother, that's ridiculous.

I can't understand
you, Samantha.

Your husband is in the clutches of
who knows what kind of impostor,

and you refuse to
become alarmed.

That's right. Because Darrin
would never do anything to hurt me.

He's good and kind.

Then how is it that he took that
woman to your favorite restaurant?

You're making that up.

I tell you, I heard him say
he'd be at La Bella Donna.

Now, do you call
that good and kind?

Yes. Good for nothing,
and kind of a rat!

[Ringing]

Hello. Oh. Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

I have a visitor here, and I
have a feeling that she's, uh,

your kind of people.

What do you mean by that?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes. Well, uh, hold
on just a moment.

Mother! Yes, darling?

Are you expecting
anyone? No. Why?

It's Mrs. Kravitz. There's
a woman at her house,

apparently a very, very old woman,
who claims she's only 24 years old.

Some women never give up hope.

What's her name?
What's her name?

Do you know your name?

Of course. Terry Warbell.

Terry Warbell!

I knew it. I knew there was
something wrong with that woman.

What is it, Mother? What's
going on? I'll explain later.

Right now you'd better pop in
next door, get that woman over here,

before Mrs. Loudmouth...
finds out anything more.

Hello, are you there, Mrs.
Stephens? No, I'm here.

[Gasps] I... I...
How could you? I...

Abner! Abner!
This you gotta see.

I was talking to her on the
telephone, and she pops in here!

Who? Who else? Mrs. Stephens.

Look!

You'll say anything to
get me up, won't you.

Now, just calm yourself and
try to recall what happened.

It was this morning. I was
driving along in my car.

I saw this old woman. She
waved at me, and I stopped.

And then, I don't know how it
happened, but I was the old woman,

and she was
driving off in my car!

The only thing I can remember
is my age and my name.

Oh, there's no doubt about it.

There's no doubt about it.
She's the Crone of Cawdor.

The Crone of Cawdor?

Yes. That does sound familiar.

Well, it should. When
you were a little girl,

it was one of your
favorite bedtime stories.

Of course! She was
turned into a hag...

and had to live all alone on
a mountain peak in Carpathia.

That's right. And do you
remember the rest of it?

Well, let's see.

"When the earth turns
once around the sun,

"let the crone go forth
till the day is done.

"Another's form she'll
take and her form leave,

"from 6:00 in the
morn... [Gulps]

"till 6:00 in the eve.

"And in this guise, if she
can secure a willing kiss...

"from a mortal pure,

"to her will pass
the mortal's youth;

to him will pass
her age, forsooth."

Oh, no! Darrin!

Oh, yes! And if he kisses
her, he'll be 500 years older.

But no wiser.

- [Dialing Phone]
- What's the matter, darling?

I thought you trusted
your husband implicitly.

Well, of course I trust him. But
not with a 500-year-old crone.

Especially not with a 500-year-old crone
who's gorgeous and wants to be kissed.

Hello, Larry?

Do you happen to know where
Darrin is? I'm trying to find him.

Why, he... he's with one of our clients,
and I believe he said he was going to...

their apartment to
finish their meeting.

You mean he isn't with
Miss Warbell anymore.

Oh, he told you about her?

Larry, whose apartment
has he gone to?

Sam, you have nothing to worry
about. Darrin is as steady as a rock.

Miss Warbell just wants to show
him some of her advertising budgets.

Will you please just
give me her address?

[Sighs] Sam, I know
you won't believe this.

But it's the honest truth. He
hung up before I could get it.

Hello? Sam, are you all right?

Oh, yes. Yes, Larry, I'm fine.

Oh, Mother, what
am I going to do?

If I don't get to Darrin in
time, he'll be 500 years old.

Well, you know they
say there are certain

advantages to being
married to an older man.

Stop being frightful
and think of something.

Oh, calm down, Samantha.

Right now we have to find out where
this reptile in women's clothes lives...

and hope to get there in time
to keep Durwood "kissless."

[Groans]

Wouldn't you be more
comfortable here?

Well, I think I can
concentrate better standing up.

But I can concentrate
better if you're sitting down.

Okay.

Well... Can't we stop talking
business for a moment?

Well, I would like to
go over these details.

But we've been meeting all day, and
you haven't told me a thing about yourself.

If we're going to be working together,
there are things I'd like to know.

Now, tell me about yourself.

Well, uh, uh, what
would you like to know?

What do you do for fun?

Oh, uh, sports. Swimming, fishing,
mountain climbing. Mountain climbing!

That's very good.

You have the most
fascinating eyes.

Well, uh, I was born with
a slight cast in the left eye.

Isn't there something
you'd like to do?

Yes! I'd like to finish
going over these notes.

"And there is a possibility that
the Warbell Dress Company...

"may be interested in
some tax loss purchases,

"and toward that end,
I would appreciate...

"your giving us complete details
on sale price of your holdings,

as well as a..."

What... What happened
to Miss Kornblut?

It was time for her
coffee break, Mr. Warbell.

And she couldn't
wait to finish a letter?

I tell ya, nothing's the same
since the union came in.

While we're stopped, sir, could
you please give me Terry's address?

I seem to have misplaced it.

Uh, 35 Rollins Place.
Now, can we go on? Yes, sir.

"As well as a certified copy
of all of your company's debts,

including those owed to the
government for corporation taxes."

- Ya got that?
- Got what?

Why don't you people drink coffee
for a living and take work breaks?

Now, here's our big gun.

Warbell is an odd name. You
almost want to say "warbler."

Well, why not take
advantage of it?

Now, what we had in
mind was a new dress.

We could call it
the Warbell Warbler.

When we introduce
the dress, all the

department stores will
take out full page ads.

We'll pick up half of
the charges, of course...

A simple "I don't care for the
idea" would have been enough.

What sort of mortal
man are you anyway?

Is business the only
thing on your mind?

Doesn't it matter to you that
you're alone with a beautiful woman?

With a warm, vibrant woman
crying out for a little love?

Kiss me. Uh, uh, Terry...

It's nothing against you personally. It's
just that I'm a very happily married man.

I'm not asking you to run away with
me, I'm just asking you to kiss me.

Yeah, but... Just
one little kiss, please.

One can't do any harm.

Oh, are you wrong!

Sam, what are you doing here?

Darrin, you better
come with me. I will not!

I don't know how you found me, but this is
the most insulting thing I ever heard of!

- Talk about lack of trust!
- I trust you.

It's that... that
woman I don't trust.

- I beg your pardon.
- Sam, I think you owe
Miss Warbell an apology.

That woman is not Miss Warbell.

Then who is she?

The what of what?
The Crone of Cawdor.

That's the most ridiculous
story I've ever heard.

Only an insanely jealous woman
would make up something like that.

Sam, if this is your idea
of a joke, it's a bad one!

It's true, if you kiss her,
you'll be 500 years old.

Ooh, Sam, you come
up with some real beauts!

Tell him. Go ahead. Tell
him what I'm saying is true.

I'll do nothing of the
kind. [Clock Chiming]

Pretend she's not here!
It'll teach her a lesson.

It might at that. I
think I will kiss you.

[Chiming Continues]

Any wife who spies on her husband
deserves not to be disappointed.

- What do you think of that?
- Be my guest.

[Moans]

Oh, what happened?

It's 6:00 in the eve.

What happened? The clock struck
6:00 just as I was about to strike one.

Will you tell me what
happened? Over here.

[Yelps] Sweetheart...

I'm sick and tired of having you say I
make things up about the Stephenses.

So you're gonna take a look at the old hag,
and you're gonna ask her how old she is.

And when she says
she's only 24... [Rings]

we'll see who's
making things up.

Oh, hi. Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Stephens. Excuse me, I
just want to prove something to him.

Take a look.

Now ask her how old she is.

How old are ya? Twenty-four.

Well, what have you got
to say now? Let's go home.

Is that all you've got to say? When
we get home, I'll tell you a lot more.

Good night.

It's lucky that the neighbors
found you and brought you here.

It must be a simple case
of amnesia, don't you think?

I... I guess so.

I'm terribly sorry about
missing our appointment.

That's perfectly all right. After a
good night's rest, I'm sure you'll be fine.

And can we meet
tomorrow instead? Of course.

Good, because I'm
dying to hear your ideas.

My father says you're a
very bright young man.

Thank you. I don't know about
bright, but my wife helps me stay young.

He means our marriage
keeps him young. [Groans]

Then I'll see you
tomorrow about 10:00?

Okay. Why don't I
walk you out to the car?

Good night, Miss Warbell.
Good night, Mrs. Stephens.

Excuse me, honey.

Do you want a word
of advice, Samantha?

Not really.

Well, I'm going to
give it to you anyway.

That girl is not to be trusted.

You don't mean to say
that she's an impostor?

No, she's the real thing.

Oh, is she real. That's
why I wouldn't trust her.

Now, if I were you, tomorrow
morning, I'd make some excuse...

to pop in to that office,
and I'd just make sure that...

Mmm.

Honey, you are the greatest.

Any other wife would've flipped
over the treatment you got today.

Oh? Well, for future reference,
I wasn't too far from flipping.

Oh, you pitched right in
and rustled up this dinner.

And you know something, this lasagna
is every bit as good as La Bella Donna's.

Well, it should be. I had it
sent from La Bella Donna.

More Chianti? Mm-hmm.

Courtesy of La Bella Donna?
Everything here is from La Bella Donna.

Oh. Except this.

Happy anniversary,
darling, of our first meeting.

I'll kiss to that.