Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 25 - Charlie Harper, Winner - full transcript

Good.

Darrin?

Charlie. Charlie Harper! It's
great to see you, old buddy!

Darrin, if you don't stop poking
around, you won't even make dessert.

I'll be down in a minute. That's
what you said 30 minutes ago.

Something tells me you're not
too anxious to see your old buddy.

Not anxious to see
Charlie? Don't be ridiculous.

He only happens to be one
of the greatest guys alive.

He'd be perfect except
for one minor thing.

What's that? He's rich, bright,
intelligent, charming and witty.

And he excels at
everything. Anything that



anybody can do, Charlie
Harper can do better.

Outside of that, he's a sweetheart.
Sounds horrible. I'll hate him.

Impossible. Nobody
can hate Charlie.

Not even me. Don't
think I haven't tried.

Well, I bet he didn't graduate
cum laude the way you did.

No, he didn't. There, you see?

He did better. He
graduated summa cum laude,

and he was three
years younger than me.

Oh. Well.

Ah. Hold it. You were elected
student body president, weren't you?

Only after Charlie resigned so
that he could devote more time...

to being the most popular
man on the campus.

Darrin, you can't tell
me that Charlie was

any more popular with
the girls than you were.



Let's put it this way. I had
to beat them off with a stick.

Charlie had his own wood
pile. What's his wife like?

I don't know. I never
met her. But if she's

married to Charlie,
she's got to be gorgeous.

[Doorbell Rings]
There they are. I'll get it.

Darrin? Hmm?

I think your legs are cute,

but I imagine the Harpers
would prefer to see you in pants.

See? He even beat
me getting dressed.

How can people say they
don't know what angels look like?

Aw, she's beautiful, Dar.
Really something special.

Thank you, Charlie. And you're
right. Tabatha's very special.

Do you have any children?

You'll be sorry you asked.

There they are.

Triplets. Triplets?

It figures. Yes.
Two girls and a boy.

It's a little hard to tell
because of the hair.

Well, as Charlie is
overly fond of saying, "If

you're going to do
something, do it right."

They're darling, aren't they,
Darrin? They certainly are.

Instead of cigars,
I passed out pipes.

[Chuckles] Why don't
we all go down to dinner?

You know, Dar, I
really like your place.

It has a good, solid home
feel. Who was your decorator?

You're looking at her.
Oh, how I envy you.

I really botched our winter place
in Acapulco something fierce.

Sam's got a real flair. She
can do wonders with anything.

Well, she and Charlie
should get together,

because he did a
fabulous job on our castle.

- Uh, you have a castle?
- Hmm.

I fell in love with it the
minute I saw the moat.

If Charlie hadn't bought if
for me, I would have just died.

It's just a small
one in Majorca.

Say, Dar, I hear, uh... I hear you're
going great guns at McMann and Tate.

Yes. He's head of their
creative advertising.

Hey, that's great.
Congratulations, Dar.

Thank you. Actually,
some of my accounts have

come off well. Caldwell
Soup, for instance.

Upped the sales 27%.

How marvelous!

- Don't you have something
to do with advertising?
- In a small way.

- I thought you bought two
big agencies last summer.
- Just one.

Was that 20th Century Limited,
or am I thinking of the train?

[Laughs] You're close, honey. It
was Brown and Smithers Unlimited.

You bought Brown and Smithers?

Just for tax purposes. I don't know
anything about the advertising game itself.

Well, shall we all go into the living
room where it's more comfortable?

I'll get the liqueur
and be right in. Okay?

"I fell in love with it the minute I saw
the moat." I'm not the least bit impressed.

I'm beginning to believe the only
thing they don't own is this block.

Mother! What are you
doing here? Being sick.

Shh. You're eating
like you feel fine.

Well, you know what they say:
"Starve a success, feed a frustration."

No one I know says that.

Have you any idea
how you sounded...

while you were trying to puff
up Duncan's meager triumphs?

It's "Darrin," and you know it!

When are you ever gonna admit
that he's not good enough for you?

The day after never.

Darrin's doing just fine.
And I love him, remember?

If you had to marry a mortal, why
couldn't you have chosen a superior one...

Like Charlie?

I don't have to stand here...

and listen to you applaud
Charlie Harper's accomplishments.

I can go out there and
listen to Daphne do it.

Oh, Samantha, face it.

She's not bragging.
She's simply stating fact.

- Mother.
- Hmm?

I hope you get fat.

I hope you didn't have anything to do
with that terrible meat company jingle.

You know, "Our
tongue speaks for itself."

Not guilty. [Everyone Laughs]

Oh. Charlie and I had
a bet coming over here.

He said that you would
remember me and I said

that you wouldn't. And
you lose, right, Dar?

Well, uh, let me think. Um...

See there? I was right.

I was the freshman campus queen
your entire senior year of college.

Yes, yes, of course.
Uh, how are you?

Fine, thank you.
And I must say...

that your husband was the only
red-blooded male... thank you...

That didn't chase
me around the quad.

I just didn't want to get
trampled in the rush, Daphne.

He also has a bad knee.

Kids, I have a wonderful idea.

We've just opened up
our house at Oyster Bay,

and we're having friends out for
the weekend, and you're coming too!

We'll have a ball! Tennis,
swimming, golf. The whole bit.

Well, I... And Dar, you and I...

are going to talk some business, important
business involving you... what do you say?

Well, it sounds great,
Charlie. Doesn't it, honey?

But can we get a babysitter
on such short notice?

Well, I'm sure that Mother
is available. Well, if she isn't,

I suppose I could always
get Aunt Clara to pop in.

Oh, that's great!
Then it's all settled.

Samantha, why don't you go upstairs
and throw some things into a suitcase.

The limousine's right out
front, and we can all go together.

Sweetheart, I'm
proud of you. Why?

Because I agreed to let your mother
babysit? I'll admit that does take courage.

So does letting yourself in for a
one-upmanship weekend like this.

It's a shade over, above and
beyond the call of duty, don't you think?

Oh, we'll have fun. Anyway,
I told you I like Charlie.

It's his wife who
keeps pouring it on.

You really didn't
remember Daphne, did you?

Not a bit. It's weird.

You don't suppose she was a
little bit of a snob even then, do you?

Castle, indeed. On the other hand,
why shouldn't she have a castle?

Charlie can afford it. I
wish I could give you one.

Don't. They're drafty.

You have a wicked slam, Senator.

Yes, my dear, but I wish
my wife had your form!

Well, when the countess told me that we
missed you in Monte Carlo, I was just sick.

Yes. Excuse me, Mrs. Harper, but I
see Samantha's ready for me again.

[Charlie] Well, Dar, I'm
afraid you've got me beaten.

Not yet, Charlie. Not
if you get a bull's-eye.

Ha. Fat chance. I haven't
gotten one in three weeks.

Well, here goes.

[Laughs] Would you
take a look at that!

Do I have to?

I'm afraid Louis isn't concentrating on
the game, but she's such a lovely girl.

Yes, really lovely.

You know, our husbands
went to college together,

and I'm just trying to get
Charlie to give him a decent job.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Having fun? Uh-huh.

First Charlie beat me at eight-ball,
then at darts, now across the pool.

[Chuckles] Ooh. Sorry.

Yeah.

Oh, wonderful, Samantha.
You've set them again.

Sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, my, Samantha.
What a stunning ring.

Oh, thank you. Darrin
picked it out himself.

It's so stark and modern.

You know, I tried
to tell Charlie...

that the trend was away from the big
diamonds, but he's so old-fashioned.

And of course he
can afford to be.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Don't know
how I could have been so clumsy.

Maybe the cards
caught on your ring.

Senator, I tell you, Darrin
made a shot today that was...

Well, incredible is the only
word for it. Now, Charlie...

No false modesty,
Dar. It was fantastic.

See, he's already found
another word. [Everyone Laughs]

Well, who won?
Charlie. By 11 strokes.

Let's you and I talk a little
business. Okay. Excuse us.

Certainly. Tell me, Darrin, are
you happy at McMann and Tate?

Very happy. Oh, that's too bad.

It'd be a lot easier to
quit if you were miserable.

Why should I want to quit?
Well, you can't stay there...

and be president of Brown
and Smithers Unlimited too.

You're not serious?

You can write your own ticket,
Dar. That's how serious I am.

Well, Charlie, I don't
know what to say.

The word is "yes."

You'll spend six months a year in New
York and six months on the Continent.

That's to service our offices
in Paris, London and Rome.

Samantha will love it!

Oh, I... I don't think
so, Charlie. Why not?

Well, first of all, it would mean uprooting
the family... and schools for Tabatha.

And besides, I couldn't leave
Larry Tate after all he's done for me.

Anyway, I'm simply not
ready for a presidency.

Oh, you're too modest,
Dar. You always have been.

Can you suggest anybody
else? Why not yourself?

Hey, come on. I'm much too
smart to hire anybody like me.

[Knocking] Come in.

Oh, hi, Daphne. Hi, Samantha.

I know you packed in a
hurry, so I was wondering

if you want to borrow
anything for tonight.

Clothes or jewelry,
anything like that?

Oh, that's very sweet. But
I think I brought enough.

Okay. Well.

The boys really are enjoying themselves,
aren't they? Darrin's having a ball.

That's lovely. Charlie
and I just love Darrin,

and we just wish there was
something we could do to help him.

Help him... what?

To realize his full potential and to
find his proper place in the world.

Oh, Daphne. I think Darrin's
very happy with his... his place,

his home, his family, his
job at McMann and Tate.

I know, but Charlie could make
him vice president in his agency.

But then again, Darrin
probably wouldn't accept it.

Hmm. No, he likes to
do things on his own.

I'm sure when the
time is right, that he will

be offered a vice presidency
at McMann and Tate.

Oh, how wonderful.
How wonderful.

Well, you're sure there's nothing
I can lend you for this evening?

It's going to be very dressy, you
know. Maybe some jewelry, or...

Um, well, uh, let me look.

Oh, Samantha! How lovely.

It's just amazing what they can do with
this costume stuff these days, isn't it?

What makes you
think they're not real?

Well, you're gonna
force me to be cruel, but

on Darrin's salary,
they have to be zircons.

They're beautiful zircons.
They're the prettiest I've ever seen.

Daphne, there is
one thing I could use.

A hanger.

Oh, I'll have Hilda
bring you some.

I really should
hang this thing up.

Samantha, that is
the most gorgeous,

breathtakingly beaut...

Daphne? Is anything wrong?

[Endora] Yes, my darling
daughter. There's plenty wrong.

Mother! Samantha!

I'm appalled. Oh, Mother, what is it
now, and who's staying with Tabatha?

I suspected you needed keeping
an eye on more than Tabatha.

Hagatha is sitting with her. I'm
watching over the real baby of the family.

Oh, Samantha.

Boasting about Durwood is one thing,
but conjuring up a precious item like that?

It's the biggest misuse of
witchcraft I have ever seen.

Well. Since when have you been
so averse to my using witchcraft?

The second you started using
it to make Dalton look good.

Daphne had it coming.

I couldn't care less about her.
It's you I'm concerned about.

You're only fooling yourself,
Samantha, and the mink proves it.

You had to zap it up for yourself
because what's-his-name...

isn't capable of
getting you one.

Don't you see that?
I don't need a mink.

[Scoffs] I suppose I
shouldn't have done it though.

It's apt to get me into trouble.
Well, from the lustful look in her eye,

I would say that is in the
nature of an understatement.

I-If you just unfreeze her and pop out,
I'll see if I can remedy the situation.

Well, easier said,
darling. Cheerio.

Beautiful, fabulous coat
that I have ever seen!

May I? Yes.

Did Darrin give it to
you? Where did he get it?

From a little place that was going out
of business. With merchandise like this?

Well, y-you see, Daphne,
that was the problem.

They took too much trouble.
Raised the mink themselves.

And only used the pelts from
identical twins from each litter.

Oh! There's probably not another
one like it in the whole world.

No, no, there isn't.

Darrin could just
shoot me for not liking it.

For not liking it? Well,
I hardly ever wear it.

It's kind of a sore
subject with Darrin, so I'd

appreciate it if you
didn't mention it to him.

Oh, darling, you can
count on me. Good.

Oh, how stupid of me.

Charlie, you've got to
get that mink coat for me.

But you have a closet
full of those things.

But this is made out of
the pelts of identical twins!

If this coat is so special, honey,
well, why doesn't Samantha like it?

Oh, don't be so dense. She
knows they can't afford it.

Yeah, but I'd feel funny. You'd be doing
Darrin a favor by taking it off his hands,

because he's probably up to his
neck in hock for it. Oh, I don't know.

Oh, Charlie, if you don't get me that
coat I'm gonna have a migraine till 1970.

Believe me, honey, I don't feel
bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great!

I finally beat
Charlie at something!

You said you lost by
12 strokes. Eleven!

Oh, pardon me. But we flipped a coin
to see who'd tip the caddie, and I won.

It cost me 10 bucks, but
I won! I love you, you nut.

[Knocking] Mmm. I
love... Oh, come in.

Excuse me, I hope
I'm not interrupting.

Samantha, I just wanted to tell you that
you have got another Arnie Palmer here.

He made a shot... I told her,
Charlie. What can we do for you?

Well, uh, we... we've known each
other for a number of years, right, Dar?

Charlie, if it's about
the job... No, no, it isn't.

Shall I excuse myself? No,
I want you to stay right here.

You are a very
important part of this.

Uh, Dar...

My wife wants to buy
your wife's mink coat.

She's been bugging
me ever since she saw it.

If she doesn't get it, she's gonna
make my life miserable for me.

Well, I don't get it,
Charlie. What's the joke?

- She wants to buy my mink?
- That's impossible.

I know you're touchy on the subject,
Dar, but... Why should I be touchy?

Sam doesn't own a mink.

- Now I don't get it.
- Darrin, c-could I talk
to you for a moment?

- When?
- Now?

Should I leave? No, no,
Charlie. It'll only take a minute.

Excuse us, Charlie.

[Whispering] Sam, what's this
all about? Well... Oh, Darrin.

Well, you see, Daphne said
some very unkind things about you...

and about how you were doing.

Well, so I just...
zapped up a mink coat...

and said it was a present
from you. That's great!

I'm sorry. We'll talk about
it after we get rid of him.

Well, I hope you kids
have settled on a price.

The coat's not for sale, Charlie.
Ah, we're making progress.

At least, uh, he said
that there is a coat.

Uh, would you consider
$5,000? Absolutely not.

Oh, I understand.
Sentimental value and all.

Let's say 6,000 then, hmm?

Charlie, you can't put
a price on sentiment.

Now, I know the coat was custom
made from pelts of identical twins, so...

What! Identical mink twins?

So how about $8,500?

Charlie, will you cut that out?
You haven't even seen the coat.

For all you know it might
have a hole in the pocket!

Dar, Daphne wants it.
That's all I have to know.

Come on, kids, be realistic.

You certainly can't
turn down 12,500.

The answer's no, Charlie. No.

S-S-Samantha, talk to him. Tell
him you don't really even like the coat.

Well, Darrin, what was I to do?

Daphne was being so patronizing.
Well, she practically called you a loser!

So to prove what a winner I was,
you gave yourself a mink coat.

Well, I... I-I'm
sorry, darling. But...

Well, she could've said
anything in the world about me,

but I-I-I didn't want her to
knock you, don't you understand?

Perfectly. I'm enough of a breadwinner
to provide you with the necessities,

but when it comes to the
luxuries I want to give you,

I can't compete
with your witchcraft!

I can't give you anything
you can't zap up yourself.

Oh, Darrin, please
let me explain.

Explain what? I think
everything's all too clear.

Well.

Hors d'oeuvre? No, thank you.

Would you care to dance, Daphne?

Senator, I know how you loathe
vetoes, but I have a crushing migraine.

So sorry.

Hey, Darrin, what's wrong?
You... You seem upset.

Have I done anything
to offend you?

No, Charlie. You just helped
put things in perspective for me.

Daphne, can I see you
for a moment? Certainly!

You haven't by any chance
changed your mind, have you?

Daphne, the coat is yours.

Oh, you don't mean it! Charlie!

Please, just between...
He'll... Charlie!

Daphne... Darrin!

Oh, it's beautiful.

What's going on? Don't be too
long. She might change her mind.

Charlie will give you a
check for it, Samantha.

Well, Daphne, you don't
understand. I'm giving it to you.

Giving it to me?

Yes. Charlie told me how much you
admired it, and so I want you to have it.

[Charlie] Well, that is a
marvelous coat, Samantha.

This is worth a great deal
of money. You can't do that.

Oh, no, Samantha, you can't
give away anything this valuable.

Oh, yes, you can, Daphne,

when you value something
else a great deal more.

More than this?
Oh, you're kidding.

No, I'm not.

I don't think I've ever
been as serious...

or meant anything
as much in my life.

Oh, Sam.

[Doorbell Rings]

Uh-uh. I'll get it, sweetheart.

Mrs. Stephens? This is
for you. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.
Who is it, honey?

Oh, it's a package, and by
special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a
birthday or an anniversary, have I?

Of course not. I
wouldn't let you.

Well, who's it from?

It's from Daphne and
Charlie Harper. Daphne?

"Dear Samantha,
I'm returning the coat.

"It would take volumes to
explain why, but I have a feeling...

"I don't need to
make an explanation.

"I'm certain you'll
understand. Please accept

my thanks for giving
me a sense of value.

Daphne."

Oh, there's a P.S. from Charlie.

"Thanks for giving me
a new Daphne. Charlie."

Hey, did we do
all that? [Chuckles]

You did, sweetheart. Aw.

Honey, about this coat...

Are you sure you don't
want to keep the coat?

Oh, sweetheart, I can zap
up mink coats all day long.

But I can never zap up
another Darrin Stephens.

Hmm? Mm-hmm.