Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 17 - Sam in the Moon - full transcript

[TV Newscaster]
Ladies and gentlemen,

this photograph of the moon's
surface was taken two months ago...

by a camera aboard an
unmanned space capsule.

Today, space
technicians at the Cape...

are hopeful that this view of
the moon and even closer ones...

will be seen for the
first time by human eyes.

[Vacuum Cleaner Whirring]

Sam, not now! I'm
watching the moon probe.

What?

The moon probe! I'm
watching the moon probe.

When you turn the vacuum
on, the set goes flooey.



I can't see! I can't see.

Can't you do that later?

Sweetheart, I've been waiting for weeks
to give the house a thorough cleaning.

These rugs are filthy!

How can you worry
about the dirt on the rugs...

when we're about to see
the surface of the moon?

The moon could use a
vacuuming too... all that dust.

Ugh! We have now received
word from the Cape...

that the orbit and attitude of
the space capsule are perfect.

In a matter of hours, astronauts
aboard the spacecraft...

will have the closest view
of the moon ever seen...

by the naked eye, thus
bringing nearer the day...

when men will actually
land on the moon.

Honey, why don't you forget
about the housework for a while?



Watch this with me.
It's pretty interesting,

even for a sophisticated
witch like you.

Well, I'd like to, darling,
but I just... I just can't.

It's like having a
ringside seat for the

discovery of America.
Aren't you interested?

Well, certainly I'm interested. But
it's the same elliptical orbit, isn't it?

I mean, except that this time
the pilots will see for themselves...

the mile-high dust drifts
and the lunar craters.

I am more interested in getting
the refrigerator straightened out,

the oven scrubbed, the attic
cleaned and the rugs vacuumed.

Anyway... I've seen the moon.

She's seen the moon.

She's seen the moon?

No, that's impossible.

With her, nothing's impossible.

Larry, I'd like to
ask you something.

Is it more important than Jack Nicklaus
getting an eagle on a 550-yard five par?

- What do you think
about the moon?
- I think it's very nice.

Easy, now. Stroke it easy.
You've got a downhill lie.

- I mean, about getting there.
- You really want to know
what I think?

Okay, I'll tell
you what I think.

I think that the moon
is very important.

But I wish they'd stop
spending my money to get there.

Oh, come on, Larry. Be serious.

I am! Do you realize how big
my tax bill is going to be this year?

Larry, it's for the
advancement of science...

New frontiers, progress!

Look, don't get me wrong. If
they could just say "alakazam,"

snap their fingers and
get there, I'd be all for it.

Well, that's close.

- What?
- Uh, nothing.

- I say forget it.
- [TV: Applause]

Larry, um, I know this is
going to sound ridiculous.

But just suppose someone knew
of a way of getting to the moon...

without spending all that money.

What do you think
he should do about it?

I think he should go right down to the
authorities and tell them what he knows.

I think it would be
his patriotic duty.

That's what I was
afraid you'd say.

But before he does it, I'll tell
you what I think he should do.

I think he should go home,
take a good, stiff drink,

a couple of aspirin and
try to get some sleep.

W-Well, Larry, it was just
a hypothetical question.

[Chuckles] Of course it was.

Furthermore, I don't think this
person should come to work tomorrow...

until he's gotten all of this
stupid nonsense out of his skull!

Well, I really got a
rise out of you, didn't I?

I was just putting you on.

Really, Samantha, it's getting harder
and harder to tell the difference...

between you and an
ordinary household drudge.

Well, I'm sorry, Mother,
but as long as you insist...

upon popping in unannounced,
you'll just have to take me as I am.

I must say I can't see
where I went wrong.

I brought you up
as a proper witch,

taught you the
best incantations,

and here you are,
married to a mortal,

doing the most menial tasks.

A fallen woman.

All right, Mother. Out with
it. What's on your mind?

I want you to come
shopping with me.

Ah, so that's what all this is about...
to get me to come shopping with you.

Well, if I'd simply invited you,
Samantha, you would have refused.

I'm afraid I have to,
anyway. I can't leave Tabatha.

I've already installed
Hagatha upstairs to babysit.

Mother, I have to
clean the house. Good.

Now, let's compromise.

I'll let you clean the
house as a drudge,

but only after you
come shopping with me.

Well, all right.

But we mustn't be gone more
than two hours. Now, promise.

Marvelous. We'd
better change, dear.

Oh, Mother. Wait a minute.

Where are we going? It's
Sunday. All the stores are closed.

Not where I'm taking
you. Follow me.

Nice of you to pop in, ladies.

Oh, Mother.

You didn't tell me we were going
to Tokyo. I'll never trust you again.

Darling, you said yourself the
shops were all closed back home.

Here it isn't Sunday.

We've just crossed the
international dateline.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Speaking Japanese]

I am so happy to see you again.

This is my daughter
Samantha. How do you do?

[Speaking Japanese]

I am honored to make your
acquaintance, Samantha-san.

Your mother and I have
been longtime friends.

I've just come for some of your
marvelous tea, Watanabe-san.

Of course. Just a
moment, please.

I keep in back for
my special customers.

[Laughing]

He's a warlock? Tokyo chapter.

And his tea is absolutely
out of this world.

After this, we'll go to a
marvelous restaurant.

[Gasps] They make the
most divine squid mousse.

Well, um, I guess I
should be going home.

I'll see you at the
office tomorrow.

Darrin. What?

That's the closet.

Well, there's nothing
like a little trip to Japan...

to break up the morning.

Now, just let us relax...

and have a cup of this
marvelous warlock tea.

Mother, dear, you
are incorrigible.

Now, we've been gone all day.

And now you want me
to sit down and have tea.

I have to get the house clean.
What am I gonna tell Darrin?

Well, tell him our rickshaw
got caught in a traffic jam.

I'm certainly not going
to mention Japan.

Then don't. Do you have to give
a schedule of where you've been...

every day, minute by minute?

Well, of course not. It's a...

Look, if I don't get started with
the cleaning, I'll never get done.

You're welcome to stay.

And watch you do battle with
grease and grime? [Laughs]

No, thank you.

Well, ta-ta, darling.

Enjoy your tea. [Chuckles]

Now... the vacuuming
and the attic.

Oh, I'll never make it.

Vacuum cleaner,
I have a problem.

I can spend four hours pushing
you around and cleaning the attic,

in which case I won't have
any time to spend with Darrin,

or... I can, uh...

Well, you know... Get
it all done in a flash...

and relax for the rest of the
afternoon with my husband.

What do you think?
Should I or shouldn't I?

[Whirring]

Well, I thought you'd agree.

Now that dusty, old attic.

Sam, I'm home.
I'll be right there.

Are you still vacuuming...

Now, that's what I
call really automatic.

Sam?

[Whirring Stops] Sam!

I thought we agreed that housework
was to be done in the usual manner.

Oh, I must have
left the motor on.

You also must have
left detailed instructions.

What happened to you? I've
been upstairs cleaning the attic.

It's very dirty up there, see?

Did you clean the attic the same
way you were vacuuming the rug?

Oh, Darrin, really.

I just wanted us to
have some time together,

and I thought I wouldn't
be finished in time, so I...

A little, uh... [Whistles]

Y-Yes, just a little.

By the way, where have you
been? I called you from Larry's.

Why are you
questioning me like this?

I'm not questioning
you. I just want to know...

what you did while I was gone.

Minute by minute?

Any way you like.

Well, let's see.

First, I cleaned the left
side of the refrigerator.

Then I cleaned
the right side. Sam!

You're deliberately not
answering my question.

I do not like being
cross-examined by my husband.

Wh-Wh-What is that? What's what?

That, that. Oh, this?

That's... Yeah. Nothing.

Do you usually wrap
nothing in white tissue paper?

Um... Darrin,
Mother came over...

and we went out to lunch at
a nice little Japanese tearoom.

And that's the last question
I'm going to answer...

until you apologize.

Sam, please. One more question?

Where did you go?

You want to know
where I went? Yes.

All right, I'll tell
you. To the moon!

And one of these days... Ooh!

[Whistles]

Ah, how are you,
Mr. Stephens? What'll it be today?

Heartburn, headaches, lower
back pains, nasal congestion?

You name it, I can fix it.

It's nothing like that.
I wanna ask a favor.

Well, uh... could
you analyze these?

Analyze? What kind of analyze?

Look, Mr. Stephens. I'm a
druggist, not a chemical engineer.

If I was a chemist, would I
be open on Sunday afternoon?

That's the whole point. All
the laboratories are closed,

and I want to find out what
this stuff is as soon as possible.

It, uh...

It's a matter of
national importance.

Looks like dust.

It looks like dust.

I want you to find
out what that really is.

You mean, you might be allergic?

Oh, that's right, Mr. Grand.
I'm afraid I'm allergic.

And this, by you, is of
national importance?

Mr. Grand, just
find out what it is.

And this one... That's
supposed to be tea.

You're a good
customer, Mr. Stephens.

I'll see what I can do, but I don't
promise I can do anything this afternoon.

My wife's brother is
coming from out of town,

and, to my wife, he's
of national importance.

So I'm closing the
store an hour earlier.

Well, as soon as you can. I'll
be by first thing in the morning.

And thank you, Mr. Grand.

"Darrin, since you insist...

"on knowing where I am
every minute of the day,

"Tabatha and I have gone to the
market to pick up a few things for dinner.

Any further questions will have
to wait until we get home. Sam."

Terrible. Terrible.

I feel like a stool
pigeon... an informer.

Spying on my own wife.

Oh.

What happens if that stuff actually
turns out to be from the moon?

What do I do then?

Report it to NASA?

[Man] Of course you know we
don't waste time here at NASA.

We're in a race to the
moon with the Russians,

and we're going
to win, right, Frank?

Right, Ed. Look, I can't give...

I can't give you these
unless you promise...

not to ask me where I got them.

What is this,
Stephens, conditions,

when the prestige of
our country is involved?

I can't reveal my s...

I cannot reveal my sources.

Unless you agree... no deal.

Mr. Stephens, why should we
want to pry into your private affairs?

Why, that's ridiculous, isn't
it, Ed? Of course. Ridiculous.

Now, Mr. Stephens,
what's in the envelopes?

[Chuckles] Well, it looks like
house dust and tea, but I...

Tea, huh? We'll
find out about that.

Run them through the
lab, Frank. Right, Ed.

[Ed] Moon dust and lunar tea.

[Frank] All right, Stephens.
That's it. Where did you get it?

I can't tell you. [Ed] Cut the jazz,
Stephens. You're in serious trouble.

[Frank] Where'd you
get it? I won't tell you.

[Ed] Who gave it to you? No one!

Does anybody else
know about this? No!

You're lying. What
did you tell him?

I said it was his
patriotic duty to go to the

authorities and tell
them everything he knew.

- Tell them, Darrin.
- I can't.

They won't let me watch the golf
tournament if you don't tell them.

[Groans]

Don't try to worm out of this.
We know all about you, Stephens.

We have an account of
your activities, hour by hour.

Listen. I'm just a simple
neighborhood druggist...

who has to stay open
Sunday afternoons.

Never mind about
that. What about him?

Oh, such a nice man. Lovely
wife, an adorable daughter.

Funny name, though. Who
could know that he was a spy?

Your wife. What does
she know about this?

Nothing. I swear she
knows nothing about it.

[Ed] Then where did you
get it? I refuse to answer...

on the grounds that it
might tend to incriminate she.

Me! Aha! She is involved!
Bring her in, Frank.

Right, Ed. No!

[Frank] All right, Stephens,
who's this woman?

[Darrin] I never saw
her before in my life.

[Frank] Next. How
about this one?

[Darrin] Her, I've seen.

Oh, Darrin, how could you?
What's going to become of Tabatha?

Sam, I'm sorry. I tried to protect
you, but they wormed it out of me!

We were only gone for a little
while. Mother wanted to get some tea.

You see? You
wouldn't listen to me.

That's what comes of marrying a
mortal. They're so nosy and suspicious.

Always wanting to know what you're
going to do every minute of the day.

Well, you're right, Mother.
You're absolutely right.

I must admit it. He was
suspicious. He did ask questions.

- No, no!
- Yes, yes!

[Frank] All right, Mrs.
Stephens, it's time.

[Ed] Come along,
Mrs. Stephens. It's time.

Oh, no, no. Not yet, please.
Just one more minute.

[Frank] NASA can't wait,
Mrs. Stephens. We're in a race.

It's time! Leave her
alone! It's my fault!

For once, you're right,
Dagwood. It is your fault.

Oh, Darrin, Darrin, Darrin.

Darrin? Darrin? Darrin?
Darrin? It's all my fault. No, no!

Wake up. Darrin. [Muttering]

Oh, Sam. Sam!
You're... You're here.

They didn't take you. Who?

The NASA man. NASA man?

That's a new one. Is it
anything like bogeyman?

Oh, relax, sweetheart.
You just had a bad dream.

Oh. Well, yeah.

Wh-Where's Tabatha?
She's upstairs asleep.

What were you dreaming
about? Well, the NASA men.

The space agency. They were
giving me the third degree...

about where did I
get the moon dust.

Moon dust? Yeah.

And your mother was there and
Larry Tate was there and Grand...

Grand! What's grand?

Max Grand. The druggist. I gave
him the dust and the tea to be analyzed.

Sam, why did you have to go to the moon,
especially after we just talked about it?

Darrin, are you sure you're
awake? Come on, Sam.

I know all about it. While I
was at Larry Tate's this morning,

you and your mother
went to the moon.

When you came back, you were covered
with moon dust and had that lunar tea!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

And when I came back...

When I came back from Larry's, and I
said, "Samantha, where have you been,"

did you not say, and I
quote, "To the moon"?

Darrin, if I told you I'd been to the
North Star, would you believe me?

I was only kidding. Sam,
when any other woman says,

"I've been to the moon," you
figure that's just a figure of speech.

But when you say, "I've been to the
moon," that's something else altogether.

When I saw that dust, I knew you'd
been to the moon. Darrin. Darrin.

Mother came by and she
insisted I go shopping with her.

Shop... Sam.

It's Sunday. All the stores
are closed. Not in Japan.

In Japan, it's Monday.

And that's where we went,
and that's all there is to it.

Japan? Are you asking
me to believe that?

You believe I went to the moon,
and you don't believe I went to Japan?

You said you went to
the moon. Only because

I was annoyed at you
for asking questions.

Then you haven't
been to the moon?

Not recently, no.

Sam!

I swear and affirm that I
have not left the Earth today.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Really, really? Really, really.

Oh, darling! That's marvelous.

Oh. I don't even feel so bad about
being such a fool with Mr. Grand.

Imagine, giving him ordinary
house dust to analyze.

Ooh, I bet he thinks
you're spooky. Yeah.

Ordinary house dust and
ordinary... Japanese tea.

[Laughing]

Uh, Darrin. Darrin, it isn't
ordinary Japanese tea.

Hmm.

What, um... What is it?

It's... It's warlock tea.

It's warlock tea.
It's warlock tea!

Oh, Sam! Well, Darrin...

Mr. Grand is gonna analyze it, and
he's going to think... I don't know what.

Well, I don't think there's
anything to worry about.

He'll just think it's
something he's never

seen before, and
that'll be the end of that.

Yeah, yeah. I hope
you're right. Oh. Hmm.

[Phone Ringing] I don't
think you're right. Hello?

Mr. Stephens, about that
matter of national importance...

The stuff that looks
like house dust...

It is house dust. No
microfilm, no nothing.

Just house dust.

Well, thank you for your
trouble, Mr. Grand. You...

But that other stuff... The
stuff that looks like tea.

That was a mistake. That is tea.

Ah, that's where you're wrong.

I put it through
every test I've got.

And there's something in
it that is definitely not tea.

I even showed it to my
brother-in-law... the one from Nassau.

NASA? Your
brother-in-law's from NASA?

Yeah. He's visiting us for
the weekend with the kids.

Uh, Mr. Grand, don't
do another thing.

Just forget about it. You've
gone to enough trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all. Look, we've got
to pass your place on the way home.

We'll drop it off. See
you in a few minutes.

Mr. Grand!

[Doorbell Rings]

Sam, I wish you'd go
upstairs and let me handle this.

Well, no. I think it'll sound
more logical coming from me.

Uh, keep your fingers crossed.

There they are.

Mr. Grand, I want to apologize
for causing you so much trouble,

especially since it
was all an accident.

My mother's always been
fond of home remedies.

You know how old-fashioned
some mothers can be.

When she discovered that
Darrin was allergic to dust,

she decided she had
to give him one of her

favorite home remedies...
some special tea.

But Darrin's always been
suspicious of home remedies.

That's why he gave
it to you to analyze.

Well, it turns out
that it's not tea at all.

No, no. I talked to
Mother, and she admitted...

that it was a special
blend of herbs and spices...

that she got from a
Japanese herbalist.

Now, I know that they do come
up with some strange concoctions.

[Man] Lady. Yes?

This stuff is more than strange.

Hey, what happened?
There's no wind tonight.

Oh, it does come up
suddenly sometimes, doesn't it?

Oh, what a shame.
That was the last of it too.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephens,
I want you to meet...

my brother-in-law
Harry Kahn from Nassau.

Hello. How do you do? You
don't have any more of this?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
afraid you'll just...

have to go back and tell
them at the space agency.

What space agency? I own a
string of cut-rate drug stores.

You... You mean
you're not from NASA?

Sure. Nassau
County, Long Island.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, it must be his allergy.

Night air. Very bad, you know.

Uh, thank you so
much, Mr. Grand.

Mr. Kahn, it was
nice meeting you.

Good night. Yes, nice
meeting... [Whistles]

Darrin, are you all
right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, come along. I'll
fix you a nice cup of tea.

Uh, no! No tea.

But how about a
moonlight cocktail?

Darrin?

Come look at the
lady in the moon.

What moon?

Besides, it's a man in the moon.

How do you know it's a man?

Everybody knows it's
a man. Just look at it.

Could be a lady.

You know, I've been
meaning to ask you something.

You said that, um, you
hadn't been to the moon today,

but you didn't say that
you'd never been to the moon.

Hmm?

Well, have you?

Have I what? Been
to the moon... ever.

Darrin, you don't want to know
everything about me, do you?

I mean, there are some things
a wife should not tell a husband.

And, um, whether or not she has
been to the moon is one of them.