Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 18 - Hoho the Clown - full transcript

Ooh, we're going
to have such fun!

Oh, I just can't wait. Now I'll
get all these buttons buttoned.

Hello, you exquisite, brilliant,
charming, perfect, little witchlet!

[Chuckles] Hello,
Samantha. Hello, Mother.

Good-bye, Mother.
Where are you going?

Tabatha and I are going
to see Hoho the Clown.

Who, what and why
is Hoho the Clown?

Ah, that's your granddaughter's
favorite television show.

Uh, Darrin's agency
represents the sponsor,

and he gave us tickets to
see it in person, so we're go...

Oh, dear. Tsk.
Where did I put them?



Samantha, I'm
surprised at you...

Taking a child of Tabatha's
breeding to a kiddie show?

A ballet, yes.

A drama by Shakespeare, perhaps. But
that ho, ho, hee, hee, ha, ha business...

Oh, no. Now, if you prefer
something in a lighter vein,

well, we could
pop over to Paris...

and ride up the River
Seine in a bateau mouche.

Maybe some other time. We
have a previous engagement.

Oh, and I just flew over from Edinburgh
to play with my little granddaughter.

Well, I'm sorry, Mother,

but Tabatha and I are
going to see Hoho the Clown.

Well, very well.
I'll go with you.

Uh, well, Mother, you'd
hate every minute of it.

Now, can you see yourself sitting
for an hour surrounded by children?



Yes. I always enjoy seeing...

how inferior other children are
to my Tabby-Tabby-Tabbykins.

Besides, we only
have two tickets.

Count again.

- Tsk! Mother.
- Yes, dear?

You're a stubborn woman.

You're a good ticket-zapper,
but you're a stubborn woman.

♪♪ [Circus Music]

You sure Richard Burton
started like this? [Laughs]

Is that Hobo the Clown?

Not Hobo, Mother... Hoho.

When is he going to be funny?
In a minute, when the show starts.

Hi, it's Hoho the Clown! Ho, ho,
ho! [Kids Cheering, Applauding]

Brought to you five times a
week, Monday through Friday,

by the Solow Toy Company.

Take it from Hoho!
Buy Solow! Hey!

[Cheering Continues]

Oh... he's revolting.

And now, boys and
girls, ho, ho, ho, ho,

on with the show, show, ho, ho.

[TV: Kids Cheering]

Darrin, I want you to read
this memo I received from...

Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho,
ho. What are you doing?

I'm watching Hoho
the Clown. [Sighs]

Now, that's what I
call loyalty to the client.

I've tried to watch him, but
every time I hear those ho, ho, hos,

I wanna punch him
right in the no-no-nose.

There they are! There
they are on television!

There who are? My wife, my
daughter and my mother-in-law.

How did my
mother-in-law get there?

Ho, ho, ho! It's me again.

And guess what I got.

I got balloons!

Ho, ho! I got...
I got... I got...

I got lots of balloons.

Balloons for everybody! Whoo!

And here! I got
a balloon for you.

Isn't that nice? Ho, ho!

And I got another
balloon for you.

And I got a balloon for
you. Oops! There's one.

Here's one for you. And
I got a balloon for you.

Ho, ho! And I got
a balloon for you.

And a balloon for
you. Ho, ho, ho!

And here's one for you.
And here's one for you.

Ho, ho! And here's one for you!

And here's another
one for you. And for you.

Why didn't he give Tabatha a
balloon? Mother, we're on television.

She's the most outstanding
child in this entire audience. Shh!

And now,

does anybody know what
time it is? [Kids Cheering]

That's right. It's time
for the Hoho hope chest!

And the Hoho hope chest...

is chock full of lots and
lots of toys and games!

[Cheering Continues]

Manufactured by the
Solow Toy Company.

Now, every boy and girl...

has a Hoho the Clown
badge with a number on it!

And in just 60 seconds,

one of those numbers is
gonna be the lucky number...

that wins all of the prizes
in the Hoho hope chest!

- Ah!
- [Cheering]

[Man] And now, boys
and girls, it's time...

for an exciting message
from the Solow Toy Company.

Where's Tabatha's badge?
Oh, she doesn't have one.

Why not? Because
she's related to Darrin.

Well, I admit that's
a mark against her,

but it's hardly her fault.

I mean, because Darrin's
connected with the show,

she's not eligible for
the Hoho hope chest.

Who says so? Oh, it's
an established policy.

Well, I think it's very unfair.

They have no right to
penalize my granddaughter.

They're not penalizing
her, Mother. I told you.

Well, I don't care. She'll
be very disappointed.

No, she won't. Now stop it. Stop
making something out of nothing.

Oh, h-hi, there! It's me again.

And now, is everybody ready...

to see who won all the
prizes in the Hoho hope chest?

[Cheering]

So, I "ho-fully" mix
up the numbers,

and we pick a winner!

And the winning number is...

twelve!

Here! Right over here!
This little girl right here!

[Gasps] Mother!

Ho, ho, ho... ha, ha.
Oh, you're in trouble.

Your child shouldn't
win the Hoho hope chest.

I know.

I guess the
program staff goofed.

Yeah! I guess the
program staff goofed.

I guess the program staff
goofed. Come on, Sam!

I know it was your mother,
and you know it was your mother.

I guess it was my mother. As
usual, she's out to destroy me.

Oh, Darrin, she's
not out to destroy you.

She was simply being
a... A fun-loving witch?

Well, yes. And a
doting grandmother.

Besides, when you tell Larry that
as soon as the show went off the air,

I found the producer and asked
him to give the toys to charity,

there'll be no repercussions,

because we did not take the
Hoho hope chest ho-ho-home.

I hope you're right.

Oh, I know I'm right.
The incident is closed.

You're kidding.

No, I'm afraid I'm
deadly serious.

If the little girl who won
yesterday's hope chest...

is not in today's studio
audience, I refuse to go on.

- Why?
- Because I like her.

Well, Hoho, this isn't logical.

- Doesn't have to be logical.
- Well, why not?

Because I'm a star.

Darrin, we have an emergency.

I just got a call from the
producer of Hoho the Clown.

And? And Hoho refuses
to work unless, quote,

that cute little doll, unquote,

that won yesterday's Hoho hope
chest is in today's studio audience.

- You mean Tabatha?
- No Tabatha, no show.

No show, no commercials.
No commercials, no client.

What is it, Darrin, some kind of a
practical joke to amuse my ulcer?

This is the first time I've ever
heard of it. Honestly, I tell ya.

You have no time
to tell me anything.

Just have Sam get Tabatha
over to the studio immediately...

as a personal favor to the
president of the company.

You want some milk, hmm?

Thank you. [Phone Ringing]

Hello? Why?

Because Hoho the Clown
refuses to go on unless she's there.

Oh, no!

Darrin, you know what I think?

I think Mother did more than monkey
around with Hoho's hope chest.

I think she monkeyed
around with Hoho himself.

What's she saying? Well,
nothing. She's, um, uh... She's, uh...

My suggestion is to
let Hoho not go on...

because, if he's under
one of Mother's spells,

I can't vouch for
what might happen.

Is she giving you a hard
time? Oh, n-not exactly, Larry.

She suggests that...
Sam, this is Larry.

Will you please bring Tabatha
over to the studio immediately?

Or I'll send Darrin home
immediately, unemployed.

Good-bye.

Well, now that
that's all settled,

let's you and I go over to the studio and
see what this monkey business is all about.

Mother! Mother?

Oh, goodness.

Tabatha, you and I have
got to go somewhere.

Ooh! That's a little
fast for ya, huh?

But, Samantha, you're a witch!

If Endora put a spell on Hoho, are
you sure you can't snap him out of it?

Yes, positive. She
has to do it herself.

There's a long,
technical explanation,

but what it boils down to...

is that, if a licensed witch
puts a spell on someone,

she has squatter's
rights to him.

Oh, boy. You'd better sit down.

Oh. Oh, aren't you
gonna sit with us?

No, I'm gonna sit with Larry in
the control booth. Oh, all right.

See ya later. Yeah, yeah.

Hi, Hoho. Hi, sweetie.

Hello, Tate. Oh, Mr. Solow.

What a pleasant surprise.
What brings you here?

I come every Friday like clockwork to make
sure you're giving me my money's worth.

Mm-hmm. Uh, Darrin, Mr. Solow,

owner of the Solow Toy Company.

May I present one of
McMann and Tate's most

creative young executives,
Mr. Darrin Stephens.

How do you do, sir? Likewise.
Now let's watch Hoho the Clown.

Ho, ho, ho! I'm Hoho the Clown.

Ho, ho! [Applause]

Brought to you five days a
week, Monday through Friday,

by the Solow Toy Company.

Ho, ho! Take it from
Hoho. Buy a Solow!

Ho! [Applause Continues]

Boys and girls, we're gonna
change our format today.

Instead of doing the show
for the entire audience,

we're gonna play it
to just one member.

And where is she?

Ho, ho! There she is!
Oh, Mr. Cameraman,

would you get a shot of this cute
little doll sitting on her mother's lap?

- Oh!
- Darrin, did you
change the format?

No, I wouldn't do that
without your approval.

I liked the format the
way it was. Ho, ho!

Oh, isn't she pretty?

Ooh, don't touch Hoho's nose.

You know why? Because
I'm gonna make sure...

that you win all the prizes.

You're gonna win all the prizes
from the Hoho ho-hope chest...

and all of the other prizes too.

Nobody else is
going to win anything.

He can't give all
the prizes to one kid!

I-I-It's un-American!

Ho, ho! [Nervous
Chuckle] Ho, ho, ho.

Who is she? Who is that
kid that's ruining my program?

And now, boys and
girls, ho, ho, ho, ho,

on with the show, show.

Ho, ho! I have no idea.

Do you, Darrin? No.

No, I never saw
her before in my life.

Darrin? What?

It's Saturday. Instead
of sitting inside,

why don't you go out
and get some fresh air?

Good idea. I'll take
a walk in the traffic.

With any kind of luck,
the headline will read,

"Death Comes to the Father
of Girlfriend of Hoho the Clown."

Darrin.

I have an idea.

After Tabatha wakes up from her nap,
why don't we take her to Kiddieland?

Why, so she can hand out
autographs as a TV star?

Well, she'd hardly be famous as
the result of one television show!

Don't count on it. The
complaints must be pouring in.

And when they discover
that Tabatha is my daughter,

they'll think that the
television show was rigged,

leading to an
investigation by the F.C.C...

where I will decline to answer
questions on the grounds...

that my wife and my
mother-in-law are witches!

Okay.

If you don't feel like
Kiddieland, let's go to the zoo.

- Samantha.
- Well...

Sam, I wanna
talk to your mother!

So do I. So do I.

I-I've been calling
her and calling her,

and she will not answer.

Uh, maybe she went
away for the weekend.

- Would you like me
to look for her?
- Please.

Her two favorite cities
are Paris and Rome.

I'll try Paris first.

She wasn't in Paris.

Uh-huh. What took you so long?

I couldn't find a cab.

Uh, now I'll try Rome.
You wait right there.

Where else would I
go? [Phone Ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

Oh, you saw Tabatha on
the Hoho the Clown show.

Yeah. She was kind
of cute, wasn't she?

You want me to get you on
the Build Your Castle show?

Because you need a
refrigerator and a rotisserie?

You want me to put in the fix for
you on the Build Your Castle show...

the way I did for
Tabatha on Hoho?

Mrs. Kravitz, I did not put in the
fix for Tabatha on the Hoho show!

I have never put in the fix for anybody
on any show that I've been connected with!

I think I'll go take another
look around the Colosseum.

Samantha, come back here!

Uh, she went back to Rome.

Uh, to roam around
the house again.

Mrs. Kravitz, I'm afraid
there's some mistake.

Any show that I've been connected
with has been strictly on the up-and-up.

If you want a refrigerator and a
rotisserie, you'll just have to buy one.

Samantha!

Yes? See, that is the
kind of thing I'm in for!

Mother! Mother!

[Horse Whinnying]

[Horse Snorts]

Uh, Mrs. Stephens? Uh, y-yes.

I'm Hoho the Clown.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho?

Oh! [Laughs]

I got your name and address from
my producer. How's your daughter?

Oh, she's just fine, thank you.

You look a little different
without your makeup.

I know. Oh, well, you
can't be on all the time.

Wh-Who's your friend?
Oh, sh-she's a present...

for my cute little doll!

Where is she? Ho, ho, ho!

Oh, hi there,
Mr. Stephens, sweetie!

How's your daughter?
Oh, she's fine, Hoho.

What's with the pony? She's
a present for my cute little doll!

Ho, ho! Would you
hold her, please?

I-Is she housebroken?

For what she cost
me, she should be.

I used the money that I laid
aside for my wife's birthday present.

- Why?
- Beats me.

For some reason or other, your
kid has gotten under my skin.

I-I-I can't stop thinking about
her. It's like I'm in her power.

- You're not in her power. You're in...
- Darrin.

Oh. Uh, these are for her too.

And this too. [Chuckles]

Where is she? I'm
longing to be near her!

Darrin, why don't you go
upstairs and get Tabatha?

I'll, uh, take the pony outside.

Come on.

I'm gonna see her! I'm
gonna see my cute little doll!

Hoo, hoo, hee, hee! [Chuckles]

Ho, ho, ho! Ho!

Mother! Mother,
I want to see you!

Mother, if you don't come
here right this second,

I'll never let you
see Tabatha again.

Samantha, I'm surprised at you.

Stooping to blackmail? Shh!

Where have you been? I'm
spending the weekend in Mexico City.

I never would have looked there.

- Care for a bite of taco, dear?
- No!

Mother, I'm very
annoyed with you!

About what?

[Gasps] Darwin needs a haircut.

I am in no mood
for any of your jokes.

I am annoyed with you because
of what you did to Hoho the Clown.

Oh, that!

Hasn't it worn off?

Worn off? It's worse!

Now, Mother, he's in there. Now, I want
you to take that spell off immediately,

without any further ado!

Oh!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
getting back to Mexico City.

I'm lunching with a very
handsome bullfighter.

Adios, muchacha.

Olé.

Here she is, Hoho.
Here's your cute little doll.

What's so cute about her? You've
seen one kid, you've seen them all.

Did I bring a pony in here?

Ah, where's my pony?
It just happened to...

Sam, what happened?
[Doorbell Rings]

Well, I... Uh, here, honey.

Mm-hmm. Uh, excuse me, Hoho.

It's your daughter,
Stephens. I hired a detective,

and he found out
it's your daughter.

When Mr. Solow called me at the club
and told me, I was shocked beyond belief!

I-I couldn't speak.
Words failed me.

Aha, look who's here.

Uh, hi, sponsor,
baby. Ho, ho, ho, ho?

Don't "ho, ho" me,
you ingrate. You and

Stephens here have
entered into a conspiracy...

to drive the Solow Toy
Company out of business!

After all I've done for you.

As close as we've
been, like father and son.

Darrin, if you needed
money, if you needed toys,

why didn't you come
to me and say so?

Larry, are you trying to say
that you knew nothing about this?

- Yes.
- Effective immediately,

the Hoho the Clown
program is hereby canceled.

But you can't do that to
the children of America.

You have no alternative.
And I have no alternative...

but to ask you to
tender your resignation.

Darrin, you're through!

So is my account
with McMann and Tate.

Mr. Solow, that won't be necessary now
that Stephens is no longer with the agency.

I want you to know I
consider his actions illegal,

unethical, shocking...

Sam, what did you do?
I had to do something.

I froze them so you and I can
discuss how to get out of this.

I-Is the spell off
Hoho? Oh, yes, yes.

We just have to figure out a
way to bail him and you out.

Let's see. We can say, uh...

We can sa... No.

[Gasps] We can say
it's a publicity stunt!

A publicity stunt! Yeah.

For what? Uh...
for a cute little doll.

- They look like twins!
- Well, thank you.

Uh, now I have to make Hoho
believe he was all part of it.

Honey, what do I say?

Well, let's see. Uh, well,

I'll start the ball rolling, then
you take over and run with it.

Mm-hmm. Oh, hold it.

Disgusting, despicable
and humiliating.

Mr. Solow, my husband
would like you to meet...

the newest member of the
Solow family... the Tabatha doll.

The what? The Tabatha doll.

Uh, Darrin thought of
it, and I designed it...

i-in my spare time, using
our daughter as the model.

Then Hoho put the real
Tabatha on television...

and played favorites with
her to create public interest.

It was a publicity stunt
to promote a new product.

Uh, yeah, and I went along
with it just to help out the sponsor,

even though it
temporarily hurt my image.

Well, why wasn't I consulted?

Well, because,
uh... Tate? Yes, sir?

Shut up!

You know something?

This is a pretty
cute little doll.

And that was a pretty
cute publicity stunt.

And these are two
pretty clever fellas, huh?

They sure are. And, Tate?

- Yes, sir?
- You were gonna fire him.

- Me, sir?
- Tate, I think
you should offer...

your humble apologies
and include Mrs. Stephens.

I think she's pretty clever too.

Oh, hi, darling!

Hi, sweetheart. What are
you doing home so early?

I sneaked away... to watch
Hoho the Clown with you.

Well, isn't that
nice? [Chuckles]

Is he gonna reveal the
publicity stunt? Mm-hmm.

And he's going to say,
"In the interest of fair play,

"every loyal viewer who called
in or wrote in to complain...

will receive, absolutely free,
a brand-new Tabatha doll."

Ta-ta-da.

Oh, quick! Come here. Oh!

Just sit down. Come
on. Sit, like I told you.

If you're gonna watch
it, you have to sit.

Ho, ho, ho! I'm Hoho the Clown!

[Kids Booing]

All you wonderful booers
will be happy to know...

that each and every one of you
will receive a new Tabatha doll,

absolutely free! [Kids Cheering]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

You know, that's rather a
cute idea. Whose was it?

Larry's.

Although I persuaded Mr. Solow to
keep his account with us. [Chuckling]

Say, why is Hoho's
picture... And mine is, uh...

Darling... Oh.
[Tabatha] Ta-ta-da.

Well? I don't know.

I fixed it this morning.
Well, I'll just fix it again.

Hello, Durwood.

Sam, about your mother...

Well, D-Darrin, I-I
didn't know any, uh...

Not in front of the baby.