Better Things (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript
"The Coffee Cola Song"
by Francis Bebey playing...
[chuckles]
[sniffles]
[laughs]
Aw...
Pfft...
[groans] Zombie.
[sniffs, grunts]
Oh, my God.
No.
[exhales]
[mouth pops]
No.
[sighs]
[cell phone chimes]
♪ Window with a cold look ♪
♪ On my face ♪
♪ Walk through
the passageway... ♪
Aw.
Honey? Buddy?
Honey?
Da fuck?
[sighs]
That's my shirt.
[knock on door]
Knock, knock.
Mayne I come in, mang?
- Mom, you didn't knock.
- Yes, I did.
- I still even hear the knock...
- No, you knocked
while you were walking in.
The point of it is
while you're out...
- It's when... Forget it.
- Sorry.
Were you burning incense
in here?
No.
What's the smell?
I just blew out a candle.
Oh.
[sighs]
Cozy.
Cozy...
time.
[clears throat]
How you doing? You good?
- Yeah, Mom. I'm fine.
- How's school?
It's fine.
How's Pepper? She get home okay?
They're fine.
[sighs] Well, are you texting
with somebody, or you having
- an essay writing contest?
- Mom.
Please. I'm writing.
Oh, you're writing.
Yeah, I'm writing.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Y-Yeah.
Ah.
[sighs]
Smells like oranges.
[smacks lips, inhales]
[exhales]
- Want the door open or closed?
- Can you close...
- Fine.
- Can you close my door?
[podcast playing over phone]
Remember when you were
interested
in saving the Earth?
WOMAN [over phone]: My mother struggled
with English and I...
- [sighs]
- [stomping]
I'm afraid of bees, yet
I bought you an apiary.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
get chosen for the ark
because they're
gonna need beekeepers
when they're rounding people up
for the zombie apocalypse.
[podcast continues playing
faintly]
Pah. Pah, pah, pah.
That's it.
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Max. Duke.
Family meeting.
DUKE:
I'm busy.
- [car engine starts]
- Oh.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey.
Cut...
Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh.
Hi, hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- I need to talk to you.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Why?
Because you just posted
all these pictures of you
on social media crying.
God, Mom, why are you looking
at my stories?
- Mm... kay. Sorry.
- [engine turns off]
Please come inside with me
for a family meeting.
I need backup.
I'm already in the car.
- I'll pay you.
- How much?
$27,000.
Good, because I don't get
out of bed for anything less.
I knew that.
Come with me, miss, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have a checkbook right inside.
Honey, but why...
why were you posting videos
of you crying?
[sighs]
[clears throat]
Hello.
Thank you.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- No, Mom.
- No, I-I need it for school.
- Ah, ah, ah.
School is literally on my phone.
- [cell phone clatters]
- Thank you.
- FRANKIE: What is this?
- Just listen.
SAM: I would just like to speak
to everybody
in the same room
at the same time.
'Cause, once upon a time, I had
- three daughters.
- Mm, it's not that hard.
Once upon a time,
I had three children.
I'm not a child anymore.
[grunts]
Once upon a time,
I had three
offspring cunt trophies
who used to interact with me,
and now they only interact
with their screens.
[sighs]
Hello? Hello?
Can I get some eyeballs?
Eyeballs?
Yes.
There they are.
Do you think we could do this?
One week, a moratorium,
no phones in the house
for one week.
DUKE:
It's not realistic, Mom.
I need it for homework,
and my class has a group chat.
- We have a land line.
- [laughs] Okay, boomer.
For the last time,
I am not a boomer.
I am Generation X.
We are the coolest generation.
We know how to give change
without a computer.
We use paper. We are analog.
We are the last
golden generation.
Don't call me boomer.
I hate that.
Uncle Marion is a boomer.
Thank you.
Okay.
Moratorium.
Back to basics. Life. Freedom.
This is George Orwell.
We're just staring into robots.
Oh. Robot. Yeah.
Um, that's the perfect word.
- Can I just take my phone
for, like, five seconds?
- No.
No, no, no. This is serious.
Fellas, please.
Our brains is falling out
of our ears. Mine, too.
[cell phone buzzes]
[sighs]
Are you kidding me?
You're not on the same
playing field as me.
Okay? I have to pay
all the bills here.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Which is why I need to...
MAX:
Could be an emergency.
You know, all the bills.
- [sighs]
- MAX: Mom, you're being ridiculous.
Just look at your text.
DUKE:
Mom?
Can I take my phone
for five seconds?
I'm writing a poem.
I just want to write down
one word.
The word "robot." Okay?
[buzzing]
Check your texts.
Put yourself out of your misery.
Well...
[clears throat]
- No.
- No...
We can do this!
- We can do this.
- Hey, Mom, I actually...
SAM: I'm excited.
I'm gonna buy a loom.
[footsteps receding]
[Duke sighs]
SAM:
So, people come here and say,
"I want the number 69 please,"
like, "Do the number 69
to my follicles?"
Please forgive all the questions
from my personal valet.
Emiliano, my man,
which one of these
is the haircut
that nobody wants?
Which one of these haircuts
is a total dud?
She's a Dickensian orphan
I'm mentoring.
First day out of the house.
Ah, mentoring.
Ah, oh, now I see.
'Cause I was thinking,
when you come in,
I think, "Mr. Rich
is two-timing his lady."
¿Comó puede ser?
Hmm. Now, that's so interesting.
- Oh, this isn't, uh...
- Oh, no.
Not at all. I'm not the lady.
That would be very weird.
[laughs]:
Yes. Exactly.
Because Mr. Rich's wife
is a willowy blonde.
- I remember this, huh?
- Yeah.
SAM:
Yes, yes.
We all have such fond memories
of the tall, willowy blonde.
What else was it about the lady?
- I don't think...
- Ah, she has the PhD, yes?
Economics.
[laughs]
Numbers. Eso.
And she play the ukulele.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
And she's from a Dakota.
And they are rewatching
the entire Sopranosseries,
and they refuse to skip ahead
without one another.
- [laughter]
- Because they're so sweet...
they're a sweet couple.
EMILIANO:
No, Mr. Rich is a lucky man.
It is a beautiful relationship.
- Mm.
- Mr. Rich speaks operettas about her
every time he come in, eh?
Because you always ask,
Emiliano.
Ah.
There.
You are ready for the party, eh?
Emiliano, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Richard, I will meet you later
at the Regal Beagle.
I am getting a call now
from Mr. Roper.
So I will see you.
- Bye, Sergio.
- Yes, adios.
Fantastic heterosexual haircut.
Are we doing your thing now?
Yes, and if anybody
at the market
asks me about my tall
blonde wife, play along.
- Oh, Alan.
- Hi, guys.
- RICH: What a surprise.
- Yes, what a surprise.
- [low-pitch]: Yes, what a surprise.
- ALAN: Hi, Sam.
W-Wh... Brain delay.
Processing, processing. Meep.
Merp, merp, merp, merp,
- merp, merp, merp.
- [boy laughs]
Oh. Hey.
- You dropped your toy.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
- No way. It's you.
- Oh.
- Can I get a picture with you and my kid?
Oh. Sure.
Look, um, here.
Will you take this, please?
- Oh, sure... Yeah.
- Climb up, Jerobi.
- Come on. Climb up.
- SAM: Hello. Yeah.
Okay, okay. Whoa. Hello.
Right there.
I want one.
SAM:
Aw, haw.
I remember when mine
were this little.
- Hi, buddy. Good. Wow.
- You are so... Uh...
- [laughs, babbles]
- Bye. Bye.
[laughs softly]
All right,
I'm going to the market.
You still don't want me
to come with you?
No, I'm good.
Nice to see you, Alan.
You, too, Sam.
Okay.
- Cool buttons.
- Thank you.
Okay. Uncle Faggot will see you
tonight at the gay party!
SAM:
See you later.
- That was good.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I think she totally bought it.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- No, really? Oh...
- Yeah, I don't know.
What kind of fish is that?
Can I get three of each?
Um, can you tell me the name
of this vegetable?
That's called bitter melon.
I admire its girth.
- ♪ The sea, the sea, the sea ♪
- [both chuckle]
♪ It's such a salty
magic place ♪
♪ If you find yourself
going under ♪
♪ You'll remember the taste... ♪
Thank you for your service.
Wait, let me get my cart.
[gasps]
I love this.
[chuckles]
♪ Whoa, that's okay... ♪
SAM: Can I ask you about
this one thing over here?
- Oh.
- WOMAN: First time here, huh?
Me? No, I'm a regular.
They know me up front.
- Okay, sure.
- What are you gonna make with these?
Har lok.
[speaks Cantonese]
Can I borrow this pen?
- WOMAN: You don't have a phone?
- Long story.
Chili oil, oyster sauce.
What even is oyster sauce,
right? I mean... Peanuts.
How many do you get
for, like, the two of you?
I mean, these are big.
♪ So Poseidon, give me life ♪
♪ Let me breathe like a Pisces ♪
♪ With blue eyes ♪
♪ Or that Cancer who keeps
crawling by... ♪
These are fun.
Do you like the taste?
Who can know?
♪ Please don't you let
my love run dry... ♪
Oh, fuck...
- Oh, my.
- I'll get it later.
- I'll get a smaller rice.
- Okay.
[grunts]
That's a good one for me.
- Can you get me that?
- Yes.
- SAM: Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
Um...
CLERK: Let me know
if you need anything else.
Cool. See you later.
- [chuckles]: Okay.
- Thank you.
SAM:
How's Alan?
RICH:
Thank you for asking. He's good.
He's good.
That was crazy,
- bumping into him on the street, right?
- Shut up.
- You bought that.
- What's he up to?
RICH: Just working.
He's a physical therapist.
- Oh, my God.
- PT guy. Mm-hmm.
Look at this. Oh. Hello?
- [chuckles]
- [accent]: Operator?
Is this a party line?
[regular accent]:
I'm-I'm being very nice.
I'm just happy you're here.
I'm so obsessed.
Look at the color blue.
Look at that.
That smells.
- That's annoying.
- Mm-hmm.
I need the remote.
It smells of the sea.
Mm, the Dead Sea.
Anything else? Mace?
Ooh.
I'm sorry, Gefilte.
I don't want you to witness
this. [Mutters]
[♪]
♪ I get crazy if I want to ♪
♪ I said so, I said so ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ 'Cause I said so, I said ♪
♪ I see myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see
myself in the mirror ♪
♪ Hey, see, see, see, see, see ♪
♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ Yeah, I see
myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ I said so, I said so ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ 'Cause I said so. ♪
FRANKIE:
[sniffles] Okay.
I'm ready to go.
- Lol. Love.
- [laughter]
Do you love it?
Why do you have
an asterisk there?
That's not the only
asterisk he has.
[whooping, whistling]
Wait, wait, so you're not
allowed to be gay,
but you're allowed to have two
pink revolvers on your chest?
Duke, what is your problem?
JAY:
It's okay.
We're all in hiding,
me and the revolvers.
No skin, shirts only
at family beach vacations.
Yeah, but not here, though.
- Not here, though.
- Hey.
- [all cheering]
- JASON: Yes, you better work.
[whoops]
- Damn.
- She's in the mood.
- Oof.
- FRANKIE: She's always in a mood.
JAY:
Let me see that.
- What do we think?
- We are straight.
And nothing else.
[distant laughter]
[music playing in distance]
[distant chatter]
[paws scraping, collar jingling]
[shushes]
[whispers]:
Where you going?
[phone chimes]
Wish you didn't have to work,
these kids are so cute.
Send... Oh, I... say send...
[phone chimes]
Hi.
[laughs softly]
Stop.
It's like a weird key party
but with phones.
I feel different.
Older.
Like, energetically.
And, like, not bad anymore.
Not guilty.
And also, I feel like I have
my whole life ahead of me
and like I made
the right choice, for myself.
I feel like more of a person.
And, like, almost better.
I'm not ready for that, but...
I hope I can do it when I am.
Does that make any sense?
Sure it does.
You're awake.
That's what growing up is.
Life is a series
of befores and afters.
You just had your first before.
Actually, it's not
my first before.
This is my first... this.
[laughs softly]
Wow. You're absolutely right.
But this one was easier.
Because this one was my choice.
Hmm.
Did you tell my mother yet?
Did I? Did you?
Well, I can't tell her.
You have to.
Maybe she figured it out.
It's kind of killing me.
Killing you? You have no idea.
[Duke hiccups]
Duke?
What is she doing over there?
No.
What is that?
That better not be
what I think it is.
I know what's going on.
I'm going out with Paisley.
I'll see you later.
I will fucking kill you if you
don't quit that shit right now.
[thumps]
Should we go back in?
[♪]
Oh, that sounds so pretty.
Who are you?
Never mind.
Keep playing. It's good.
- It's really, really, really pretty.
- [guitar resumes]
LUKE:
♪ You took me by surprise ♪
♪ I could see the whole world
smiling in your eyes ♪
♪ We went to a grass patch
and gazed to the sky... ♪
[water running]
- Hi. [Laughs] Sorry, Jay.
- Mm. No. Let me get out of here.
- Getting ready?
- Yeah.
Wait, let me check these out.
My guns?
Big Second Amendment fan, I see.
- Yeah, I support women voting.
- Yeah, I'm an ally.
[both laugh]
You're funny.
You guys make me want
to go to your gay party.
I wish we were going
to a gay party.
It's my cousin Hong's
sweet sixteen.
Frankie's my date.
What about Jason?
No, Jason, they can't come.
They, uh, do not exist
in that world.
Frankie's my "girlfriend"
and has been since we were 13.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when it comes to gay beards,
Frankie is not the person
who springs to mind.
[laughs] I know, right?
They'll be perfect.
[both chuckle]
Frankie's not the one
I'm worried about.
Well...
it is "don't ask, don't tell"
with my parents.
So they don't know. And
I don't plan on telling them.
- Hmm.
- I'm fine.
I just have to wait
a couple more years
and then I'll be free.
You're running out the clock
on your childhood.
That breaks my heart.
Well, it's sad,
but I can probably tell them
when my grandpa dies.
- He's getting up there.
- How old is he?
Fifty-six.
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
He's really getting up there.
[both laugh]
[exhales]
Well, I want you to know
that you have
shelter here, okay?
This is the place
that you can come
and get gay rainbows
blown up your ass.
Thank you.
[sniffles]
That means a lot.
Honestly, the truth is,
my parents are the ones
in the closet.
They're pretending to be the
parents of a heterosexual boy,
and, well... no.
- No!
- [laughs]
- [phone ringing]
- It's my dad.
Speaking Vietnamese...
[whispering]:
If I could just..
Yes.
That's a beautiful language,
but I got to go poop.
DUKE: Mom, can I just have ramen
with a jammy egg?
"Easy cut."
Yes.
Duker, I'm a little jealous
of your ramsens.
Uh, ram-sam-sam.
[sniffing, inhaling]
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- What?
- This is nice.
The best.
- Full house tonight. Fun.
- Yes.
- Okay, but you're hovering. I need...
- Oh...
space.
It's like Whac-A-Mole.
Frankie goes,
Frankie comes back.
Duke goes, Max goes,
Max comes back.
And you know she has
really been going through it.
What a relief. You know.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
Yeah, I know.
What do I know?
Nothing.
I have eyes. I know.
You know about the tattoo?
Yes. The tattoo.
Nothing. N-Nothing.
What are you talking about?
What are you
talking about?
[exhales]
Regarding Max. Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Please just spit it out. What?
I have to tell you something.
Remember
Back to School Specials?
Remember? Honey...
She didn't have mono.
What?
She was eating banana
sandwiches. With mayonnaise.
Oh, God.
[exhales]
Oh...
Oh, God.
Oof.
[footsteps approaching]
Duke, just... Can you give us
a minute alone, please?
- Mom.
- Duke.
- Fine.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back,
get your jammy ramen egg.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Tell me. No.
No, don't tell me.
Don't tell me. Just...
Just tell me, is everybody
okay? Is everyone okay?
And also, I don't want
to know where the tattoo is.
- Okay. Got it.
- [exhales]
A few weeks ago,
Max red-phoned me.
Okay.
So I showed up.
And I was there for her.
And she asked me... she told me,
if she hadn't told you
in a month,
then I should tell you,
and so I'm telling you.
She was trying to work up
the balls, eggs.
To tell me?
To tell me?
I promised...
That really hurts my feelings.
I know.
[exhales]
Is she okay?
You were there.
You were with her?
Okay, so what I can do?
What-what, what-what...
Slow down. Slow down.
Okay, just tell me.
Tell me about... Tell me.
Tell me what happened. No!
No, no. No. Don't.
Just don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Just don't tell me. It's better.
It's better. It's better.
[tapping]
[sighs]
All right.
Okay. All right.
I just want you to tell me.
Just want you to tell me.
Okay, I want you...
I want you to tell me.
I want you to tell me.
[exhales]
No. No. No. I don't.
I don't. I don't. Don't.
It's better. It's better.
It's better.
It's better. It's better.
Just promise that you'll tell me
everything one day.
When I'm in a coma.
[laughs softly]
[both spit three times]
[♪]
I mean, what am I...
- What did we...
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
[grunts]
There you go.
We just pick ourselves up...
[whispers]:
...and dust ourselves off.
[♪]
Okay.
L'chaim.
♪ She's got so much blues ♪
♪ Her best friend
can't help her ♪
♪ Her best friend's a woman ♪
♪ How can a woman help her? ♪
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
[cheering, laughter]
- SAM: Oh, my God.
- RICH: Oh, man...
♪ She just feels
like crying... ♪
SAM:
Yes. Hand. Over here.
- MARION: Over here, please.
- SAM: Over here.
What are your intentions
with my child?
I've got no intentions
whatsoever.
I didn't think so.
JASON:
Bring me a hot plate.
And I cannot wait to try
your Bánh tiêu.
I love you.
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
Love you, too.
FRANKIE:
Mom, the house smells so good.
Can you please save
me some food?
You know dis.
Look at that tush!
- Yes, look at both of the...
- Poke it out.
SAM: "Better poke it," is that
something the kids say?
- Yeah.
- You better poke it out.
- I don't want to poke it...
- JASON: You better poke it.
[♪]
RICH:
Are you happy, Jason?
Are you living your truth,
honey? You good?
JASON:
Actually, my truth is,
Jason's my dead name.
I want to go by Jerza.
Thank you for telling me.
I love Jerza. Long live Jerza.
Come and try the prawns!
♪ Feels like dying... ♪
- Magic!
- Magic!
Magic. Mm.
Do you want some nuts?
Do you want rice?
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
So picky.
SAM:
Isn't it good?
Thank you!
[♪]
♪ Woman's got the blues, hey ♪
- LUKE: Nice.
- [Rocky laughs]
ROCKY:
Was that Frankie's mom?
[clock ticking softly]
[footsteps approaching]
[door opens]
[panting]
[laughs]:
Mommy!
[crying]:
Mommy...
Hi.
Whoa.
Mom.
SAM:
Mm.
Oh.
Oh.
[grunts]
Honey. Hey... I love you.
- Are you okay?
- Mom...
- Oh...
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay.
[grunts]
SAM:
Honey.
Honey. Oh...
Mom, we need to pick up
my car tomorrow.
Why? Why? Did something happen?
God, Mom, no.
I had Paisley drop me off.
I am responsible.
Paisley says I'm fumed,
but I'm not fumed.
- No...
- I'm here! I'm not fumed.
- Yes. Okay.
- [moaning]
[laughs]:
Okay.
My tolerance is getting low
because I'm old now.
You're not old, honey.
You're not old.
- Not like "you" old.
- Uh-huh.
Uh...
- Mom?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Did you ever do something or...
[sniffles]
...make a decision
you couldn't go back on?
Um, yes.
Three of 'em.
[inhaling sharply]
Mom!
- Mom, I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh...
- I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh...
- Okay.
- Mom.
Honey, whatever
you had to drink,
- you have my permission to drink it again.
- Mom, no.
- [shushes] Mom.
- Drink it again...
- Okay.
- You're ruining it, Mom.
- Ow.
- I love you so much.
Listen to me, listen to me, Mom.
- Okay. Oh...
- Mom, listen to me.
I would die if you died.
I would kill myself.
I would kill myself!
- Okay.
- I would, actually, I would.
[crying]:
Mom. Mom, I love you, I love...
- Okay. Okay.
- Mom, I love you.
Okay. O-Okay.
Oh, my... Wow.
Okay.
Eh...
[grunts]
Mom!
Do not die.
[grunts]
Okay.
Oh...
[exhales]
Okay.
[grunts]
Oh... [shushes]
[grunts softly]
Very wet.
"Count the Tear Drops"
by Corrina Repp playing...
Oof.
♪ I'll count the teardrops ♪
♪ Hold out ♪
♪ Your hands... ♪
[grunts]
My gracious.
[sighs]
♪ Hold out ♪
♪ Your hands ♪
♪ Let's give them a name ♪
♪ Give them ♪
♪ A name. ♪
by Francis Bebey playing...
[chuckles]
[sniffles]
[laughs]
Aw...
Pfft...
[groans] Zombie.
[sniffs, grunts]
Oh, my God.
No.
[exhales]
[mouth pops]
No.
[sighs]
[cell phone chimes]
♪ Window with a cold look ♪
♪ On my face ♪
♪ Walk through
the passageway... ♪
Aw.
Honey? Buddy?
Honey?
Da fuck?
[sighs]
That's my shirt.
[knock on door]
Knock, knock.
Mayne I come in, mang?
- Mom, you didn't knock.
- Yes, I did.
- I still even hear the knock...
- No, you knocked
while you were walking in.
The point of it is
while you're out...
- It's when... Forget it.
- Sorry.
Were you burning incense
in here?
No.
What's the smell?
I just blew out a candle.
Oh.
[sighs]
Cozy.
Cozy...
time.
[clears throat]
How you doing? You good?
- Yeah, Mom. I'm fine.
- How's school?
It's fine.
How's Pepper? She get home okay?
They're fine.
[sighs] Well, are you texting
with somebody, or you having
- an essay writing contest?
- Mom.
Please. I'm writing.
Oh, you're writing.
Yeah, I'm writing.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Y-Yeah.
Ah.
[sighs]
Smells like oranges.
[smacks lips, inhales]
[exhales]
- Want the door open or closed?
- Can you close...
- Fine.
- Can you close my door?
[podcast playing over phone]
Remember when you were
interested
in saving the Earth?
WOMAN [over phone]: My mother struggled
with English and I...
- [sighs]
- [stomping]
I'm afraid of bees, yet
I bought you an apiary.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
get chosen for the ark
because they're
gonna need beekeepers
when they're rounding people up
for the zombie apocalypse.
[podcast continues playing
faintly]
Pah. Pah, pah, pah.
That's it.
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
Family meeting.
Family meeting.
Max. Duke.
Family meeting.
DUKE:
I'm busy.
- [car engine starts]
- Oh.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey.
Cut...
Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh.
Hi, hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- I need to talk to you.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Why?
Because you just posted
all these pictures of you
on social media crying.
God, Mom, why are you looking
at my stories?
- Mm... kay. Sorry.
- [engine turns off]
Please come inside with me
for a family meeting.
I need backup.
I'm already in the car.
- I'll pay you.
- How much?
$27,000.
Good, because I don't get
out of bed for anything less.
I knew that.
Come with me, miss, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have a checkbook right inside.
Honey, but why...
why were you posting videos
of you crying?
[sighs]
[clears throat]
Hello.
Thank you.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- No, Mom.
- No, I-I need it for school.
- Ah, ah, ah.
School is literally on my phone.
- [cell phone clatters]
- Thank you.
- FRANKIE: What is this?
- Just listen.
SAM: I would just like to speak
to everybody
in the same room
at the same time.
'Cause, once upon a time, I had
- three daughters.
- Mm, it's not that hard.
Once upon a time,
I had three children.
I'm not a child anymore.
[grunts]
Once upon a time,
I had three
offspring cunt trophies
who used to interact with me,
and now they only interact
with their screens.
[sighs]
Hello? Hello?
Can I get some eyeballs?
Eyeballs?
Yes.
There they are.
Do you think we could do this?
One week, a moratorium,
no phones in the house
for one week.
DUKE:
It's not realistic, Mom.
I need it for homework,
and my class has a group chat.
- We have a land line.
- [laughs] Okay, boomer.
For the last time,
I am not a boomer.
I am Generation X.
We are the coolest generation.
We know how to give change
without a computer.
We use paper. We are analog.
We are the last
golden generation.
Don't call me boomer.
I hate that.
Uncle Marion is a boomer.
Thank you.
Okay.
Moratorium.
Back to basics. Life. Freedom.
This is George Orwell.
We're just staring into robots.
Oh. Robot. Yeah.
Um, that's the perfect word.
- Can I just take my phone
for, like, five seconds?
- No.
No, no, no. This is serious.
Fellas, please.
Our brains is falling out
of our ears. Mine, too.
[cell phone buzzes]
[sighs]
Are you kidding me?
You're not on the same
playing field as me.
Okay? I have to pay
all the bills here.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Which is why I need to...
MAX:
Could be an emergency.
You know, all the bills.
- [sighs]
- MAX: Mom, you're being ridiculous.
Just look at your text.
DUKE:
Mom?
Can I take my phone
for five seconds?
I'm writing a poem.
I just want to write down
one word.
The word "robot." Okay?
[buzzing]
Check your texts.
Put yourself out of your misery.
Well...
[clears throat]
- No.
- No...
We can do this!
- We can do this.
- Hey, Mom, I actually...
SAM: I'm excited.
I'm gonna buy a loom.
[footsteps receding]
[Duke sighs]
SAM:
So, people come here and say,
"I want the number 69 please,"
like, "Do the number 69
to my follicles?"
Please forgive all the questions
from my personal valet.
Emiliano, my man,
which one of these
is the haircut
that nobody wants?
Which one of these haircuts
is a total dud?
She's a Dickensian orphan
I'm mentoring.
First day out of the house.
Ah, mentoring.
Ah, oh, now I see.
'Cause I was thinking,
when you come in,
I think, "Mr. Rich
is two-timing his lady."
¿Comó puede ser?
Hmm. Now, that's so interesting.
- Oh, this isn't, uh...
- Oh, no.
Not at all. I'm not the lady.
That would be very weird.
[laughs]:
Yes. Exactly.
Because Mr. Rich's wife
is a willowy blonde.
- I remember this, huh?
- Yeah.
SAM:
Yes, yes.
We all have such fond memories
of the tall, willowy blonde.
What else was it about the lady?
- I don't think...
- Ah, she has the PhD, yes?
Economics.
[laughs]
Numbers. Eso.
And she play the ukulele.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
And she's from a Dakota.
And they are rewatching
the entire Sopranosseries,
and they refuse to skip ahead
without one another.
- [laughter]
- Because they're so sweet...
they're a sweet couple.
EMILIANO:
No, Mr. Rich is a lucky man.
It is a beautiful relationship.
- Mm.
- Mr. Rich speaks operettas about her
every time he come in, eh?
Because you always ask,
Emiliano.
Ah.
There.
You are ready for the party, eh?
Emiliano, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Richard, I will meet you later
at the Regal Beagle.
I am getting a call now
from Mr. Roper.
So I will see you.
- Bye, Sergio.
- Yes, adios.
Fantastic heterosexual haircut.
Are we doing your thing now?
Yes, and if anybody
at the market
asks me about my tall
blonde wife, play along.
- Oh, Alan.
- Hi, guys.
- RICH: What a surprise.
- Yes, what a surprise.
- [low-pitch]: Yes, what a surprise.
- ALAN: Hi, Sam.
W-Wh... Brain delay.
Processing, processing. Meep.
Merp, merp, merp, merp,
- merp, merp, merp.
- [boy laughs]
Oh. Hey.
- You dropped your toy.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
- No way. It's you.
- Oh.
- Can I get a picture with you and my kid?
Oh. Sure.
Look, um, here.
Will you take this, please?
- Oh, sure... Yeah.
- Climb up, Jerobi.
- Come on. Climb up.
- SAM: Hello. Yeah.
Okay, okay. Whoa. Hello.
Right there.
I want one.
SAM:
Aw, haw.
I remember when mine
were this little.
- Hi, buddy. Good. Wow.
- You are so... Uh...
- [laughs, babbles]
- Bye. Bye.
[laughs softly]
All right,
I'm going to the market.
You still don't want me
to come with you?
No, I'm good.
Nice to see you, Alan.
You, too, Sam.
Okay.
- Cool buttons.
- Thank you.
Okay. Uncle Faggot will see you
tonight at the gay party!
SAM:
See you later.
- That was good.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I think she totally bought it.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- No, really? Oh...
- Yeah, I don't know.
What kind of fish is that?
Can I get three of each?
Um, can you tell me the name
of this vegetable?
That's called bitter melon.
I admire its girth.
- ♪ The sea, the sea, the sea ♪
- [both chuckle]
♪ It's such a salty
magic place ♪
♪ If you find yourself
going under ♪
♪ You'll remember the taste... ♪
Thank you for your service.
Wait, let me get my cart.
[gasps]
I love this.
[chuckles]
♪ Whoa, that's okay... ♪
SAM: Can I ask you about
this one thing over here?
- Oh.
- WOMAN: First time here, huh?
Me? No, I'm a regular.
They know me up front.
- Okay, sure.
- What are you gonna make with these?
Har lok.
[speaks Cantonese]
Can I borrow this pen?
- WOMAN: You don't have a phone?
- Long story.
Chili oil, oyster sauce.
What even is oyster sauce,
right? I mean... Peanuts.
How many do you get
for, like, the two of you?
I mean, these are big.
♪ So Poseidon, give me life ♪
♪ Let me breathe like a Pisces ♪
♪ With blue eyes ♪
♪ Or that Cancer who keeps
crawling by... ♪
These are fun.
Do you like the taste?
Who can know?
♪ Please don't you let
my love run dry... ♪
Oh, fuck...
- Oh, my.
- I'll get it later.
- I'll get a smaller rice.
- Okay.
[grunts]
That's a good one for me.
- Can you get me that?
- Yes.
- SAM: Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
Um...
CLERK: Let me know
if you need anything else.
Cool. See you later.
- [chuckles]: Okay.
- Thank you.
SAM:
How's Alan?
RICH:
Thank you for asking. He's good.
He's good.
That was crazy,
- bumping into him on the street, right?
- Shut up.
- You bought that.
- What's he up to?
RICH: Just working.
He's a physical therapist.
- Oh, my God.
- PT guy. Mm-hmm.
Look at this. Oh. Hello?
- [chuckles]
- [accent]: Operator?
Is this a party line?
[regular accent]:
I'm-I'm being very nice.
I'm just happy you're here.
I'm so obsessed.
Look at the color blue.
Look at that.
That smells.
- That's annoying.
- Mm-hmm.
I need the remote.
It smells of the sea.
Mm, the Dead Sea.
Anything else? Mace?
Ooh.
I'm sorry, Gefilte.
I don't want you to witness
this. [Mutters]
[♪]
♪ I get crazy if I want to ♪
♪ I said so, I said so ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ 'Cause I said so, I said ♪
♪ I see myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ See myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Yeah, I see
myself in the mirror ♪
♪ Hey, see, see, see, see, see ♪
♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ Yeah, I see
myself in the mirror ♪
♪ See, see, see myself
in the mirror ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ I said so, I said so ♪
♪ I get crazy if I want you ♪
♪ 'Cause I said so. ♪
FRANKIE:
[sniffles] Okay.
I'm ready to go.
- Lol. Love.
- [laughter]
Do you love it?
Why do you have
an asterisk there?
That's not the only
asterisk he has.
[whooping, whistling]
Wait, wait, so you're not
allowed to be gay,
but you're allowed to have two
pink revolvers on your chest?
Duke, what is your problem?
JAY:
It's okay.
We're all in hiding,
me and the revolvers.
No skin, shirts only
at family beach vacations.
Yeah, but not here, though.
- Not here, though.
- Hey.
- [all cheering]
- JASON: Yes, you better work.
[whoops]
- Damn.
- She's in the mood.
- Oof.
- FRANKIE: She's always in a mood.
JAY:
Let me see that.
- What do we think?
- We are straight.
And nothing else.
[distant laughter]
[music playing in distance]
[distant chatter]
[paws scraping, collar jingling]
[shushes]
[whispers]:
Where you going?
[phone chimes]
Wish you didn't have to work,
these kids are so cute.
Send... Oh, I... say send...
[phone chimes]
Hi.
[laughs softly]
Stop.
It's like a weird key party
but with phones.
I feel different.
Older.
Like, energetically.
And, like, not bad anymore.
Not guilty.
And also, I feel like I have
my whole life ahead of me
and like I made
the right choice, for myself.
I feel like more of a person.
And, like, almost better.
I'm not ready for that, but...
I hope I can do it when I am.
Does that make any sense?
Sure it does.
You're awake.
That's what growing up is.
Life is a series
of befores and afters.
You just had your first before.
Actually, it's not
my first before.
This is my first... this.
[laughs softly]
Wow. You're absolutely right.
But this one was easier.
Because this one was my choice.
Hmm.
Did you tell my mother yet?
Did I? Did you?
Well, I can't tell her.
You have to.
Maybe she figured it out.
It's kind of killing me.
Killing you? You have no idea.
[Duke hiccups]
Duke?
What is she doing over there?
No.
What is that?
That better not be
what I think it is.
I know what's going on.
I'm going out with Paisley.
I'll see you later.
I will fucking kill you if you
don't quit that shit right now.
[thumps]
Should we go back in?
[♪]
Oh, that sounds so pretty.
Who are you?
Never mind.
Keep playing. It's good.
- It's really, really, really pretty.
- [guitar resumes]
LUKE:
♪ You took me by surprise ♪
♪ I could see the whole world
smiling in your eyes ♪
♪ We went to a grass patch
and gazed to the sky... ♪
[water running]
- Hi. [Laughs] Sorry, Jay.
- Mm. No. Let me get out of here.
- Getting ready?
- Yeah.
Wait, let me check these out.
My guns?
Big Second Amendment fan, I see.
- Yeah, I support women voting.
- Yeah, I'm an ally.
[both laugh]
You're funny.
You guys make me want
to go to your gay party.
I wish we were going
to a gay party.
It's my cousin Hong's
sweet sixteen.
Frankie's my date.
What about Jason?
No, Jason, they can't come.
They, uh, do not exist
in that world.
Frankie's my "girlfriend"
and has been since we were 13.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when it comes to gay beards,
Frankie is not the person
who springs to mind.
[laughs] I know, right?
They'll be perfect.
[both chuckle]
Frankie's not the one
I'm worried about.
Well...
it is "don't ask, don't tell"
with my parents.
So they don't know. And
I don't plan on telling them.
- Hmm.
- I'm fine.
I just have to wait
a couple more years
and then I'll be free.
You're running out the clock
on your childhood.
That breaks my heart.
Well, it's sad,
but I can probably tell them
when my grandpa dies.
- He's getting up there.
- How old is he?
Fifty-six.
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
He's really getting up there.
[both laugh]
[exhales]
Well, I want you to know
that you have
shelter here, okay?
This is the place
that you can come
and get gay rainbows
blown up your ass.
Thank you.
[sniffles]
That means a lot.
Honestly, the truth is,
my parents are the ones
in the closet.
They're pretending to be the
parents of a heterosexual boy,
and, well... no.
- No!
- [laughs]
- [phone ringing]
- It's my dad.
Speaking Vietnamese...
[whispering]:
If I could just..
Yes.
That's a beautiful language,
but I got to go poop.
DUKE: Mom, can I just have ramen
with a jammy egg?
"Easy cut."
Yes.
Duker, I'm a little jealous
of your ramsens.
Uh, ram-sam-sam.
[sniffing, inhaling]
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- What?
- This is nice.
The best.
- Full house tonight. Fun.
- Yes.
- Okay, but you're hovering. I need...
- Oh...
space.
It's like Whac-A-Mole.
Frankie goes,
Frankie comes back.
Duke goes, Max goes,
Max comes back.
And you know she has
really been going through it.
What a relief. You know.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
Yeah, I know.
What do I know?
Nothing.
I have eyes. I know.
You know about the tattoo?
Yes. The tattoo.
Nothing. N-Nothing.
What are you talking about?
What are you
talking about?
[exhales]
Regarding Max. Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Please just spit it out. What?
I have to tell you something.
Remember
Back to School Specials?
Remember? Honey...
She didn't have mono.
What?
She was eating banana
sandwiches. With mayonnaise.
Oh, God.
[exhales]
Oh...
Oh, God.
Oof.
[footsteps approaching]
Duke, just... Can you give us
a minute alone, please?
- Mom.
- Duke.
- Fine.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back,
get your jammy ramen egg.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Tell me. No.
No, don't tell me.
Don't tell me. Just...
Just tell me, is everybody
okay? Is everyone okay?
And also, I don't want
to know where the tattoo is.
- Okay. Got it.
- [exhales]
A few weeks ago,
Max red-phoned me.
Okay.
So I showed up.
And I was there for her.
And she asked me... she told me,
if she hadn't told you
in a month,
then I should tell you,
and so I'm telling you.
She was trying to work up
the balls, eggs.
To tell me?
To tell me?
I promised...
That really hurts my feelings.
I know.
[exhales]
Is she okay?
You were there.
You were with her?
Okay, so what I can do?
What-what, what-what...
Slow down. Slow down.
Okay, just tell me.
Tell me about... Tell me.
Tell me what happened. No!
No, no. No. Don't.
Just don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Just don't tell me. It's better.
It's better. It's better.
[tapping]
[sighs]
All right.
Okay. All right.
I just want you to tell me.
Just want you to tell me.
Okay, I want you...
I want you to tell me.
I want you to tell me.
[exhales]
No. No. No. I don't.
I don't. I don't. Don't.
It's better. It's better.
It's better.
It's better. It's better.
Just promise that you'll tell me
everything one day.
When I'm in a coma.
[laughs softly]
[both spit three times]
[♪]
I mean, what am I...
- What did we...
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
[grunts]
There you go.
We just pick ourselves up...
[whispers]:
...and dust ourselves off.
[♪]
Okay.
L'chaim.
♪ She's got so much blues ♪
♪ Her best friend
can't help her ♪
♪ Her best friend's a woman ♪
♪ How can a woman help her? ♪
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
[cheering, laughter]
- SAM: Oh, my God.
- RICH: Oh, man...
♪ She just feels
like crying... ♪
SAM:
Yes. Hand. Over here.
- MARION: Over here, please.
- SAM: Over here.
What are your intentions
with my child?
I've got no intentions
whatsoever.
I didn't think so.
JASON:
Bring me a hot plate.
And I cannot wait to try
your Bánh tiêu.
I love you.
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
Love you, too.
FRANKIE:
Mom, the house smells so good.
Can you please save
me some food?
You know dis.
Look at that tush!
- Yes, look at both of the...
- Poke it out.
SAM: "Better poke it," is that
something the kids say?
- Yeah.
- You better poke it out.
- I don't want to poke it...
- JASON: You better poke it.
[♪]
RICH:
Are you happy, Jason?
Are you living your truth,
honey? You good?
JASON:
Actually, my truth is,
Jason's my dead name.
I want to go by Jerza.
Thank you for telling me.
I love Jerza. Long live Jerza.
Come and try the prawns!
♪ Feels like dying... ♪
- Magic!
- Magic!
Magic. Mm.
Do you want some nuts?
Do you want rice?
♪ Woman's got the blues... ♪
So picky.
SAM:
Isn't it good?
Thank you!
[♪]
♪ Woman's got the blues, hey ♪
- LUKE: Nice.
- [Rocky laughs]
ROCKY:
Was that Frankie's mom?
[clock ticking softly]
[footsteps approaching]
[door opens]
[panting]
[laughs]:
Mommy!
[crying]:
Mommy...
Hi.
Whoa.
Mom.
SAM:
Mm.
Oh.
Oh.
[grunts]
Honey. Hey... I love you.
- Are you okay?
- Mom...
- Oh...
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay.
[grunts]
SAM:
Honey.
Honey. Oh...
Mom, we need to pick up
my car tomorrow.
Why? Why? Did something happen?
God, Mom, no.
I had Paisley drop me off.
I am responsible.
Paisley says I'm fumed,
but I'm not fumed.
- No...
- I'm here! I'm not fumed.
- Yes. Okay.
- [moaning]
[laughs]:
Okay.
My tolerance is getting low
because I'm old now.
You're not old, honey.
You're not old.
- Not like "you" old.
- Uh-huh.
Uh...
- Mom?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Did you ever do something or...
[sniffles]
...make a decision
you couldn't go back on?
Um, yes.
Three of 'em.
[inhaling sharply]
Mom!
- Mom, I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh...
- I love you so much, Mom.
- Oh...
- Okay.
- Mom.
Honey, whatever
you had to drink,
- you have my permission to drink it again.
- Mom, no.
- [shushes] Mom.
- Drink it again...
- Okay.
- You're ruining it, Mom.
- Ow.
- I love you so much.
Listen to me, listen to me, Mom.
- Okay. Oh...
- Mom, listen to me.
I would die if you died.
I would kill myself.
I would kill myself!
- Okay.
- I would, actually, I would.
[crying]:
Mom. Mom, I love you, I love...
- Okay. Okay.
- Mom, I love you.
Okay. O-Okay.
Oh, my... Wow.
Okay.
Eh...
[grunts]
Mom!
Do not die.
[grunts]
Okay.
Oh...
[exhales]
Okay.
[grunts]
Oh... [shushes]
[grunts softly]
Very wet.
"Count the Tear Drops"
by Corrina Repp playing...
Oof.
♪ I'll count the teardrops ♪
♪ Hold out ♪
♪ Your hands... ♪
[grunts]
My gracious.
[sighs]
♪ Hold out ♪
♪ Your hands ♪
♪ Let's give them a name ♪
♪ Give them ♪
♪ A name. ♪