Better Things (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Father's Day - full transcript

Some people use it, like,

to settle their stomach.
If you...

Happy Father's Day, mothers!

‐Hey.
‐Hi, hi, hi.

- SAM: Oh, you made bruschetta?
- Hi, lovely.

- I'm making bruschetta.
- Oh, hey there, Sunny.

My ex is with Hiya's ex.
This is Hiya.

- SUNNY: Oh, hi.
- Uh, Chaya.

- Chaya. - Hiya. - Hiya.

Chaya. It's a hard C-H.

Hard. Like, uh,



challah French toast. Chaya.

Hiya.

(sighs)
I can't with these shiksas.

- Hiya just got separated, too.
- (Chaya groans)

- Our husbands work together.
- SAM: Ex-husband.

- Ex-husband. Get used to saying it.
- LENNY: No.

I'm not saying it.

He's just having a moment.
He's coming back.

I got to believe he's
coming back.

That's what I thought
in the beginning.

- Ha!
- TRESSA: Okay,

- just reminding everyone.
- Yeah, right. Exactly.

Lesbian. Single mom.

Every mom is a single mom.



No, no. Realsingle mom,

not divorced single mom.

- Stop bragging.
- (chuckles)

So, where are your kids?

- Jeff took them camping.
- CHAYA: Mmm.

His mantra is to be
the best dad and ex-husband

he possibly can be.

That's so annoying.

Wait, why?

(sighs)
Why? Why?

Because of the years.

Do you know
how many years we spent

sitting at the kitchen table

with you crying over him

and me begging
for you to leave him?

Five years.

Five.

Five years.

You were tortured,
and now that he's not

your problem anymore,
he's amazing.

I know. It's crazy,

but we're really happier

than we ever have been,
and we're working on being

the best exes we can be
to each other. Why is that...?

SAM:
That's-that's great.

Good for you, I guess. I just...

I just can't ever do
something like that.

That's not...

That's big.

Oh.

This is happening
because of you.

You got me through
the dark days.

Oh, man.

It's my job.

SUNNY (whispers):
Don't forget, okay?

SAM:
Never forget.

Damn. I wanted to be like
Jennifer Garner.

She's the number one
best ex-wife in the world.

She's so pretty. She cooks.

- You cook.
- SAM: How does she get over it?

He shtups the nanny,
he breaks his sobriety,

she jumps in the car,
she drives him to rehab,

and now they all go on vacations
together with the kids.

I'm gonna be sick.

And she composts
and makes her own honey

and probably mead and...

I love her hair.

♪♪ Well, I'm so bad ♪♪

♪♪ I must be wanted by the FBI ♪♪
♪BETTER THINGS♪

♪♪ Yeah... ♪♪
Season 04 Episode 08

Episode Title: "Father's Day"
Aired on: April 16, 2020

We were having a honeymoon
of a divorce.

We were gonna handle

the whole thing ourselves
on the Internet.

- Okay. This is mediators.
- Mediators. But I'm gonna...

- But we-we can do it online.
- Mediators are here. Lawyers...

Yeah.

SAM: What are we
gonna do with our rings?

- I guess I never got that far.
- Hock them.

- (laughs)
- We can hock them, yeah.

SAM: We were gonna live,
like, on a compound

and raise the girls together.

Then his mother
got into his head.

♪♪ Lonely... ♪♪

He's ready for you.

♪♪ It's never easy being
a lonely, lonely ♪♪

♪♪ Lonely, lonely,
lonely boy... ♪♪

MAN:
So,

you're LeBron,
and this is the key.

But you can't get through,
you can't get through.

So what do you do?

Basketball not your sport?

How's this? Divorce...

is like hockey.

You have face-offs and fights,

goals, heroes, villains.

But the kids are the puck.

Can we do soccer?

I don't know soccer.

Let me make this easy.

You make more money
than he does.

So?

So, in the words
of the immortal Jim Morrison,

come on, baby, settle.

Let's settle.

(scoffs)

♪♪ Ooh... ♪♪

And I've been paying ever since.

Did I tell you that Tom

now refers
to his 25-year-old girlfriend

- as his soul mate?
- Ew.

LALA:
How fun is that.

So, when he was 30,
a baby was born

with part of his soul,
and now he has sex with it?

- Yeah.
- (laughter)

Someone please tell me
why the hell

she'd want to be with him.

He has a cyst
on his left testicle

that swells in the heat.

He has to constantly ice

his old balls in the summer.

- No!
- I'm eating.

I cannot wait till he has
his second family after 60.

I hope they're twins,
and I hope that maybe

coaching all their sports
and shit will kill him.

Baruch Hashem.

- Baruch Hashem.
- Baruch Hashem.

(laughter)

- Baruch Hashem.
- TRESSA: Cheers to that.

Least you know why he left.

Yeah, Richard swears up and down
it's not another woman.

I don't even understand
what happened.

I thought we were happy.

(laughs)

(voice breaking):
And I don't know how

- I'm gonna live without him.
- SUNNY: Oh, baby.

SAM:
Oh, man.

Okay. Circle.

Do you want a Xanax?

Yes, I do.

- How many?
- Three.

- SAM: Good.
- Is that all?

(laughter)

The doctor is in.

(chuckling)

Widows are so lucky.

- (laughs)
- SUNNY: Sam.

- SAM: I'm just saying.
- We don't all hate them. Stop.

What?

You know, Ari wasn't perfect.

And to be fair,

I was the one
who cheated on him. (sighs)

Thank God we ended it
before it went too far south.

Did you know the whole time

that he was gay?

Gay?

Ari's not gay.

No, I know.

LALA:
This kills me.

I got to tell you this
before he gets here.

Tom wants to know what
brand of sheets I buy.

- What?
- This dude.

Does he want me to, like,
put roses on his pillows

before he gets home
to go to bed?

- You're not texting him back.
- But then I'm a dick

because I'm icing him out
on Father's Day.

- SAM: I like it.
- Ice his balls.

Ice his balls, baby.

Ugh, can we stop
talking about balls?

LALA:
Yeah.

- (laughter)
- SAM: Wait a second.

Wait a second.

He's coming here?

He's dropping off the twins.

Okay. The fun never stops,
even when we get rid of him.

(chuckles softly)

Hey, Sam.

Hi.

- Smells good in here.
- Thank you.

(clears throat)

Are you staying?

I know you like hanging out
at lady gatherings.

Just dropping off the kids.

On Father's Day.

Nice.
(clicks tongue)

I spent the entire day
with them.

W- Was that a whole four hours

with your own kids?

- Impressive. Hmm.
- (sighs)

You've always been gunning
for me.

Wh-What is your problem?

I don't know.

You're a terrible husband.

How do you know?

Lala tells me everything.

(inhales)
She does?

Mm-hmm.

Did she tell you how

when the twins were born,
she got so depressed

she could barely take care
of them?

I- I know about that.

That was... that was hard.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

That-that was hard, Sam.

Do you know
that when her mom died,

she just never bounced back?

That I begged her to get help,
but she refused?

And do you know she hasn't
let me touch her in two years?

She tell you that?

Yes, I finally called it,

but this has been
a long time coming.

You may not like me,
and that's fine,

but you have no idea
what my story is,

and you have no right to judge
someone else's marriage.

You've been divorced
a long time now.

Don't you worry?

About what?

Your bitterness.

You're getting brittle and hard.

It's not a good look on you,
Sam.

("Nothing" by Mia Dyson playing)

- (scoffs)
- (door opens, closes)

Yeah, well, at least
I don't have to ice my balls

when it's hot outside!

♪♪ Nothing will ever ♪♪

(sighs)

♪♪ Make me feel better... ♪♪

- SAM: Okay.
- WOMAN: Are you okay?

SAM: Yeah,
I was gonna walk and see you.

- Pretty good,
so I won't move around. - SAM: Yeah.

PEARL:
We got married when we were 18.

At 21, he started being
very, very mean to me.

But... in those days,

you didn't get divorced.

So you stayed together
until you were 90?

You know, it seemed
the best thing to do

would be just to stay there
and not leave.

And, uh, I was, I was going
to be dying soon anyway.

And so was he.

But when we both turned 90,

I just had had enough.

So...

I left him.

And that was 17 years ago.

And these have been the happiest

17 years of my entire life.

- (applause)
- (Sam chuckles)

All right, Pearl!

That a girl.

Okay, baby!

(laughs)

Did you get all that?

Isn't she great?

(inhales)

I am the patron saint

of divorced children.

And if you have any questions,
you ask me.

I'm here to give you
free legal advice.

Now, if the divorce is new,

there's gonna be
a honeymoon period.

Ziva?

What's a honeymoon period?

Well, it's not
an actual honeymoon,

but it's when the...

What, Andi?

I haven't gotten my period yet.

Womp, womp, womp.

- (cheering, clapping)
- (piano playing)

♪♪ He talks about you
in his sleep ♪♪

♪♪ There's nothing
I can do to keep ♪♪

♪♪ From crying when he calls ♪♪

♪♪ Your name, Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ I'm begging of you,
please don't take my man ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene, Jolene,
Jolene, Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Please don't take him
just because you can ♪♪

- ♪♪ Don't do it ♪♪ - ♪♪ Don't take him,
don't take him away ♪♪

♪♪ Don't take him ♪♪

(vocalizing)

- (laughing)
- ♪♪ Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪♪

♪♪ Jolene... ♪♪

- (laughter, whooping)
- Yes!

Oh, my God.

- That was beautiful.
- That was cathartic.

Oh, that felt good!

- Crossing over.
- How talented.

- What about you?
- Not that talented.

(laughs)

So who are you dating, Sam?

What? Oh.

No.

I don't. I'm on a time-out.

I don't play well with others.

- All right.
- If this doesn't work out,

I am going to have spend every
other Christmas totally alone.

Well, you could always come
to my house and watch

me and Murray fight with the cat
over the tinsel, huh?

(laughing):
I'm getting a drink.

Why, no?

- No, you come to mine.
- You come to mine.

- Or hers, see?
- All good.

I think it's a good offer.

Can I come to your house
for Christmas?

Done.

The title of my speech is called

"Divorce: The Gift
that Keeps on Giving."

Did you know that as children
of divorced families

we're 50% as likely to grow up
and get divorced ourselves?

So if you get divorced
in your future,

blame your mom and dad.

Our next speaker is
the Fox family accountant,

- Mr. Rey Rodriguez.
- (claps, whoops)

Hey, guys.

Just a heads-up,
I was raised by a single mom.

Never even knew my dad.

- I don't know my dad, either.
- My man.

That's what's up. Yeah.

Okay, so as far as money goes,

there's only a few things
you need to know right now.

First of all,
there's a simple rule called

the 20-50-30, all right?

Let's say you make a dollar.

You save 20 cents,

you spend 50 cents
on something you need

and 30 cents
on something you want.

- You.
- Do you have any tips

of how to stop your mom
from crying all the time?

Just give her a hug.

Anybody here have
a bank account?

Because I came to talk
about money.

- BOTH: We're kids.
- So what?

You want to retire
before you're 85?

'Cause that shit's real.

(kids laughing)

(grunts)

I can't wait till Murray
starts smoking weed

so I can stop hiding from him.

Mm.

Come here.
I'm gonna shotgun you.

Open your mouth.

(clears throat)

May I join you?

What was that thing
you were doing?

Looked very fun.

I'd like to try that.

- Sure.
- FRANKIE: Gran?

Gran, let's go. Come on.

You said we were going
somewhere special.

Oh, bollocks.

(laughs)

[♪♪ ♪♪]

(singing in Farsi)

During the Shah's reign,

the British-owned oil industry
was nationalized.

That was his first mistake
that he made

that led to the revolution.

I'm very impressed, miss.

How do you know so much
about Persian history?

Ubers... you see,
I like to talk to people.

And 99% of the time,
they like to talk to me.

There's so much to be learned
from Uber drivers about...

(screams)

Too much water.

I asked for half a glass.

Oh, my God, Nan!

What?! It's a waste.

Well, yeah, but now he has to go
and pour it out...

Persian.

They use that word
to distinguish themselves

from the theocratic Iranians
back home.

It's nonsense.

They should call themselves
Iranians.

Persia hasn't existed
since 1935.

SAM:
So who wants to go next?

(playing soft melody)

"Dear Ari,

"I am sorry I cheated on you.

"I just had to get
out of the marriage.

"I was so unhappy.

"I don't think
I ever loved you.

"There was so much
pressure put on me

"by my family
to get married and have kids,

"and you were kind
and handsome,

"and so I said yes
without a thought.

"Please forgive me.

"I hope you find a woman

who will love you
and our kids."

(piano playing up-tempo
classical tune)

CHAYA:
"Dear Richard,

"Out of everyone in the world,
I chose you.

"And in choosing you, I wasn't
only saying this is my man.

"I was also saying

"this is me.

"I trust myself enough to know

"what is right for me,
what I need,

"what I say yes to in life.

"Marrying you was
the greatest validation

"of the trust I have in myself.

"Which is why this
is so painful.

"I question myself.

"I don't trust myself anymore.

"I've lost my compass.

"I forgive you.

"I do, and I'll never
stop loving you.

"But it's going
to take a long time

before I'll be able
to forgive myself."

SUNNY:
"Tom,

"I'm glad I finally
found the courage

"to move on from a relationship
that was going nowhere.

"For the sake of myself
and our kids.

"I'm livid not only that
you moved on so fast,

"but that it's with someone
that hasn't got

"the physical, emotional
and neurological challenges

"that I do.

"Now your life will be
so much easier,

"and you won't have to face

"all those disappointments
we've discussed for years.

"But, hey...

I just have to remind myself
that neither do I."

[♪♪ ♪♪]

"I will never forget
watching The Matrix with you

"and being so worried you
wouldn't get it, but you did.

(laughter)

"I remember loving you so much
at that moment.

"Then we had some dark days.

"I felt so unwanted,
so rejected.

"I know it was your insecurity,

"but I just couldn't take it.

"I don't know our future,
but I do know I'm glad

- you are their dad."
- SAM: Oh.

"I forgive you.

Let us both live in our truth."

(piano playing soft,
gentle melody)

(piano stops playing)

(sighs)

Sam?

Oof.

(clears throat)

Y- You know what?

I think I-I... I think I...

I want to read mine.

I think I should.

(clears throat, clicks tongue)

(sniffles, clears throat)

"Dear Hitler and Hitler's son,

"Why aren't you dead yet?

"How are you? How is your day?

"How do you live with yourself?

"I don't care how you treat me,
but what about your kids?

"How do you divorce
your own kids?

"They're the best thing that
ever happened to both of us.

"Wondering how you sleep at
night and why you aren't dead.

Love, Sam."

(clears throat)

(Sam clicks tongue)

Oh. Okay.

I got to let this shit go.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Let this shit go.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Let this shit go. Just...
- That's a good idea.

There we go.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes.

- SAM: Yeah.
- Oh, that's-that's a beauty.

- SAM: Get a good burn.
- That's a beauty right there.

- Burn it. - It needs
to get out. - Bye-bye.

- SAM: Go from under.
- Bye.

- Yeah. - Ooh! - Bye.

Out, damn spot!

(Sam laughs)

(laughter)

(cheering, whooping)

(howling)

(howling continues)

(howling continues)

(barking, howling)

(laughter)

(sighing, laughing)

♪♪ For how long? ♪♪

(exhaling)

♪♪ For ♪♪

♪♪ How long? ♪♪

♪♪ We are only ♪♪

♪♪ Skin and bones ♪♪

♪♪ We've got a ways to go ♪♪

♪♪ We've got a ways
to go ♪♪

♪♪ We are only ♪♪

♪♪ Skin and bones... ♪♪

Look what the girls texted me.

(clicks tongue)
Little pumpkins.

Oh, my God.

Happy Father's Day.

Oh, happy Father's Day, Father.

(woman singing in Farsi)

You excited for your party?

You gonna speak Spebrew
or Hebrish or whatever?

You know, when I was growing up,

my father was
hardly everaround.

My parents stayed married,
but my mother raised us all.

Every mother is a single mother,
you know.

She worked three jobs,

and he didn't have fuck all
to do with us.

One morning, I was walking
across the square,

and I looked up,
and there was my father

holding hands with a woman.

He turned as white as a ghost.

He dropped the hand
of the woman.

It wasn't my mother's hand,
you see.

He walked over to me.

"Phil," he said.

"Yes, Father."

He handed me a sixpence,
and I went on my way.

We never spoke of it.

I tried to call my dad today
to say "Happy Father's Day,"

but his voice mail was full.

That was very generous of you.

You know, I don't notwant to
have a relationship with my dad.

You know, I don't want
to live out this, like,

legacy of shitty dads
generationally or whatever.

You know...
well, I hope you know...

it's most likely that he won't
show up for your party.

I don't care. Gran, stop.

All right.

I got something I want to
give you for your bat-whatever,

but I don't want to give it
to you at the party

and get it lost
in all the kerfuffle.

(gasps)

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

It's real gold.

Gran.

It belonged to my grandfather.

He was a bit of a tosspot,
but I loved him.

- It's beautiful.
- Mm.

- I love it.
- You do?

(singing in Farsi)

Aw.

- (Phyllis laughs)
- Thank you.

FRANKIE:
One bun, two buns,

three buns, four buns,
five buns.

This is bun six.

- I think I got it right
this time. - Okay.

(sighs)

I... it's...

(sighs)
I-I don't even know.

I mean, she's-she's so strict,
and, like,

there can't even be a hair
out of place.

Like, it has to be glued down.

Okay, come back.
I'll put more gel in it.

(Duke snaps fingers)

Duke, is Mom making you go?

No, no. I want to go.
You should've seen her.

She was so pissed
after I gave up soccer.

- What did she say?
- But it's not like

she was the one
that had to do it.

- Like, it's my choice.
- Yeah, if you don't want

to do soccer,
you don't have to do soccer.

(grunts) What's up?

- What's going on?
- (snaps fingers)

(Sam claps)

(Sam sighs)

We just want to be
with the sisters now.

Copy that.

Cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool. Cool.

Okay.

- It's nice, though...
- There.

...that you guys have sisters.

So, you got this?

- FRANKIE: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Right?

I'll just...
I'll just go throw myself

off the side of the freeway.
(laughs)

- Ooh, fun.
- Yes.

To the garbage with me!

- (footsteps retreating)
- Don't worry about this.

I just, you know... ah...
I have a better idea.

I'm going to chop myself up
into little pieces

and flush myself
down the toilet.

That's the natural place
for me to go.

And, uh, you guys better hope

that I flush myself down
super toilet.

Otherwise, I will clog up

the regular toilets,
and you guys...

All right, bye, Mom.

...don't even know
how to use a plunger.

I don't think
you've ever touched one or...

know how to spell it,
but that's fine.

- (door closes)
- I have stuff to do.

I can go do stuff.

Frankie?!

I mean, we can hang out.

It's cool.

It's nice sisters want
to be together with no mom.

That's fine.

That's cute.
My work here is done.

It's obviously done.

Nobody needs me anymore.

That's fine. Cool.

♪♪ And be a man for my old lady ♪♪

♪♪ From the wind
that doesn't listen ♪♪

♪♪ To the sea
that doesn't shine ♪♪

♪♪ I can't say I'm surprised
that I'm not shy ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, the sky shows me blue ♪♪

♪♪ And your eyes show me you ♪♪

♪♪ Every cell I've got
fills up my heart ♪♪

♪♪ But, darling, when you need ♪♪

♪♪ To put your mind at ease. ♪♪