Better Things (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - She's Fifty - full transcript

Shannon's Service Shack

Thank you.

Jesus.

- What's good, Shannon ?
- Sam... Hey, hey.

Did you got my message ?
So, so sorry about this.

What ?
Something else wrong with the van ?

Yeah, so,
we're still looking into things,

but it seems like someone made off
with a couple vehicles last night...

- It was stolen ?
- Yeah.

But don't worry, you're completely
covered by our insurance.

And I know you got that tracker LoJack
thing in there so it might turn up.



No, nope. That's okay.
It's probably totally gone forever.

Could you sign this though
for the insurance ?

- Sorry, Sam.
- Yeah.

We did fix that vibrating in the
steering wheel, so, if it turns up...

Not cool, Shannon. Yeah, not cool.

- Sorry, Sam.
- Not cool. Yes !

BETTER THINGS

I was fine, you know... And then
he comes over to tuck the kids in...

And just having him back in the house,
I practically begged him to stay.

- I am such a loser.
- Don't say that...

- Honey.
- I am.

I'm one of those people now...
I'm my mama.

No, you're not. Is that a diaper bag ?

It's like I just keep punching myself
in the face right in front of him.



Ain't I cute ?
Don't you want all this mess ?

And then he comes home for 15 minutes
at the end of the day

to tuck the kids in, and it's Captain
Daddy Bedtime Champion.

He can't do that...

Oh, you know what though ?
He actually can.

Because you don't have a mediator
or schedule or an attorney...

so he can do whatever he wants...
You have no boundaries for him.

Sorry, broken record. But I will
continue to be a broken record

until you get professional help.

I'm sorry. I know you're right. It's
just this waiting that's killing me.

Waiting for...

I just want things to go back
to normal.

These are go...
This isn't gonna hold.

I need a backup.

That's so nasty, I'm not...

Everybody should have diapers in the
car. Whether you have kids or not.

- That's so nasty, I'm not...
- It may look weird, but...

Okay. Ready to go. Here comes gym.

That's some white people shit.

Oh, buddy.
Guess why I'm smiling right now ?

- Because I'm ridiculous ?
- No.

Because I see
what's on the other side for you.

In this case the journey
is not the reward.

The reward is being on the other side
and being free of this pain

and knowing that he did you a favor.

You could have used less of a
blindside. But garbage into gold.

Let's go.

Oh, hi. Do you wanna know why she's
crying ? Is that why you're looking ?

Well, she's 49.
Her husband just left her...

She's got macular degeneration...

She's got a 6-year-old
and a semi-new baby...

And, she's gonna be 50, so...

She's 50 !

I never did that when I was pregnant.
And I have three.

And now I wish I had done more sit-ups.

Oh, this is my fifth.

I said, I'm not doing this for you,

I'm doing this for the man that
I'm leaving you for !

A-men. I mean... A-woman.

He knows I love his fat ass.
I just don't love mine.

Sam ? Sam. I love seeing you here.
It's President's Mom.

We worked on the bake sale together
all those years.

I made strawberry scones and you were
like, "These are the best I've had."

It's so good to see you.
I didn't know you go here.

Yeah. I go here.

President told me Frankie's skipped a
grade. How did you pull that one off ?

I bet you had to really do
some backflips for that one.

And boy oh boy,
I don't wanna scare you,

but that is social suicide to the max
element degree.

Don't freak out, it's not like she has
to go to the hospital or anything,

but you skip someone ahead
and they could... who knows.

How do I get my kids to give
a two clown shit about school ?

What's your magic ? All my kids
wanna do is eat toast and masturbate.

I can't believe what you do. You're
like an adolescent freak whisperer.

You come to my house, I'll make you
spaghetti, I'll do anything you want.

I fucking love you, Sam Fox.

And you're popular. You've got roots.

Jessica.
We worked together on The Prowler.

Yes. I'm sorry... Baby Jess.
You were the...

Demon hell child.

How many times did they make you do
that vomit sunflower ?

No, no, no, don't. Because I still
can't go anywhere near clam chowder.

How are you ?
I heard you just signed with Mal.

And the thing about you is:

you are so brave in your work.

And I love that you have real thighs
and you aren't afraid to show them.

My wife is gonna die. She loves you.

This is really gonna work.

He's the best. He just got me
a three-show deal at Yougooglelu.

I was eavesdropping before on the
machines... You are effing hilarious.

Oh, well, her pain is pretty funny.

Men are shit. I want to do something
with you. I've got some ideas.

- I'll call Mal. Are you in town ?
- Sure. Yeah.

So, here is the best part.
We get to go home now.

Longest time ever before more gym.
I'm proud of you.

- It does feel pretty good...
- Yes !

The endorphins live !

Now we drink.

- It's just me.
- Hi.

- Hi. Untether me, please.
- Why ? Are you showering ?

I don't track your grooming habits,
do I ?

Well, you're not supposed to take it
off unless you're showering.

Please.

- Oh, okay.
- And the straps...

Hey Mom, I need you to sign this for me
for school. Nice tits, gran.

Thank you, dear. Is that
a new stained glass ? It's pretty.

No, it's been there for 20 years, Phil.
Bye.

Okay.

- Okay, what is it... for ?
- Thank you.

What did I sign ?

- Hello.
- I'm not your manager.

But I have very crazy professional
news for you.

Tasco's rebooting Ching of the Mill.

What ?!

Donnie wants to meet with you out
in Simi Valley tomorrow.

- I will send you all the details.
- Oh my God.

It's gonna be huge,
everyone wants in on this show,

so I, personally, suggest you do it.

This is so good.
Maybe I can fix my roof.

I'm almost poor.
Did I tell you I'm poor now ?

Sorry to hear that, regardless
I'm taking 15% if this thing is a go.

Also, I'm not your manager. Also,
I will see you Saturday with the kids.

- Love you ! See you Saturday.
- Love you.

Yes ! Yes !

We must cover the ribs.
So as not to burn them.

Hi. Hi, do you have
a lady dealer available ?

I'm sorry, all of our sales associates
are busy at the moment.

- Did you make an appointment online ?
- Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought
this was just like a car dealership

and you could walk in
and look at a car.

We don't take walk-ins.

- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- I told you. Nobody will help me.

Are you looking for a new
car experience today ?

I think it's my wife here that needs
your help. Come here, Pooh.

She's such a different person since
she went through the change last year.

Do you need your fan ?

Do you need some water ?

So, what's the story ?
You want to look at the Pacifica ?

- I'm not getting another van.
- But you have a lot of people.

I really don't. Max drives herself.
And I'm usually alone now.

You're never alone.

So that's it ? I'm just neutered.

I used to drive an eight-cylinder
'88 Fox-body.

Which was absorbed into the dealership
when I traded it in for the mommy van.

You're a mommy.

I want something cool.
Why do you get to drive this truck ?

- You have kids.
- You have kids.

- It's different for guys.
- I know.

Jesus. Look how fucking low I am.

I need like ten pillows.
I feel like I'm driving my dad's car.

Do you have anything with a stick ?
Like, anything fun ?

Pretty much everything's automatic
these days.

Can you even drive a stick ?

What are you talking about ?
Zombie escape plan.

I tell all the girls that
they have to learn to drive a stick.

Because in the apocalypse there's gonna
be one lone prospector with a gas pump,

a slash of rope, and a landline and
he's gonna fix the end of the world.

- She actually tells them this.
- Sounds like a good plan.

Just maybe I should do the responsibly
thing and get an electric job.

Oh, we got the i3 over here.

Whoa. That car is ugly as shit !

Some people really like it.
It's good for the environment.

You should take it for a couple of days
and try it out.

I don't have a charger thingie.

Just go to the mall or any parking lot,
they've got 'em everywhere.

Almost Nude Maids. What the hell ?

That's how I met my wife.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, Brad.

Hey, Sam...
What happened to the minivan ?

Oh, this is a loaner.

- So, we really like your mom...
- Oh God.

But she's been swimming in our pool
and...

And actually that's not even the issue,
we don't mind if she wants to swim

but if she could just...
over herself up ?

It's just, we got young boys,

and your mother doesn't exactly have
the body of a woman her age...

God. Brad, I'm so sorry.

We really don't want to make this
into a thing, you know ?

Actually, we're thrilled that she
dropped the lawsuit against our dogs.

If she could wear a swimsuit or
something, we'd be really grateful.

- Yeah. No.
- Please don't say anything...

I know. Can you... ? Bye.

Sorry. Say hi to your wife...

- Laura ? Hi to Laura. Say...
- Lisa. It's Lisa.

Okay, what's the point ?

So good to see you.
Oh my god, how cool is this ?

- Oh my god, it's amazing.
- How are the girls doing ?

They're great, they're great.
They're all older than me now, but...

Well, yeah. Milo's graduated from
Cal Poly, Jack's studying to be a vet.

I hear it's harder to be a vet
than to be a human people doctor.

That's true. Yeah, 'cause you got to...
master all the, you know,

additional anatomies
and stuff like that.

Oh my god. This is so great.
I can't believe we're gonna...

- So listen. Thanks for doing this.
- When do we start ?

It's crazy awkward and...

Oh, god. Your manager didn't explain
the situation... Oh, shit.

Well, what ? I'm kind of in between
managers right now. What situation ?

It's just a formality. Okay.

But, we need you to read for the part.

Oh, that's fine. Which part ?

Rooster.

We don't know if we're gonna
age him up, age him down

or do something completely different.
Listen, listen, listen.

I know what you can do. Okay ?
You know that.

It's not me. It's just these new...
exquisite corpse corps.

Yeah.
They want me to read for my part ?

The part that I did for ten years.

The part I won a Genie Golden Halo
Award for.

And well deserved.
I mean, well deserved, right ?

- There she is ! Hey.
- Hey. What's up ?

- How are ya ? How are the girls ?
- Good. They're great.

- How are your girls ?
- Oh, the girls are great. Yeah.

And then I got other kids too.
They're good.

You do ?

Yeah. Long story short,
I had a vasectomy and didn't work

and so basically I've got six kids,
they're all 13.

- Not sextuplets. 13, yeah...
- Yeah.

And that's why we're doing the reboot.

Yeah, you got to get that
orthodontia money.

- Okay, well...
- But, hey, kill the people, Sammy.

- You're gonna crush it.
- Amazing.

- Good luck or you don't need it.
- Thanks.

- See ya.
- Thanks, boss.

Mike, close the fucking door, dude.
Come on.

This is just a formality, all right ?
Everyone is doing it.

- Yeah.
- Maddie, Brittany, Carlos, Henry...

- Oh, they all...
- Yeah.

That makes me feel better.

And you're Rooster for God sakes.
Just give me a little, would you ?

Poop-poop, pop,
purple, people, pretzel.

- Good.
- Pencil.

I'm gonna turn my back on ya,
all right ?

So, I know you know that doesn't mean
I'm being rude or anything, okay ?

Oh, no. You did this at my original
audition. And it ain't no...

- Okay, so, whenever you're ready.
- Okay.

Action.

A bee stung my head.

Okay, good. Just try pitching it up
a little bit, Sam.

Okay, sure. A bee stung my head !

Teacher said my toaster was
pendiculated...

- Santa can't bring me an...
- All right, fine. Good, stop.

Jesus, God. God, you're brilliant.
You are.

- You were always so good off the page.
- Yeah.

I'm serious.
You going to be in town for a while ?

Yeah, sure, I'm in town.
Where am I goin' ?

- Hey, hey.
- Hey ! Wait...

- It's Curly ! You remember Curly ?
- Yes ! Yes.

You're the PA who would stock the green
room with all our favorite snacks.

- Slim Jims and wasabi peanuts.
- Still my favorite.

I want to get some for the road,
if you don't mind.

I'm actually not a PA anymore.
I'm one of the executive producers now.

I'm happy to get you some
Slim... you said Slim Jims ?

No, no, no, no. There's a 7-Eleven
down the street anyway.

- Congratulat... that's great.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- I love you. I adore you.
- Love... yes.

- So, I'm gonna see you soon.
- Gee, I hope I get my own part. Peace.

- How'd it go ?
- Awkward as fuck.

Serious ?

MECHANIC ON DUTY
8AM-5PM

Last Chance GARAGE

TIRES

Yes...

Hi.

- Need something ?
- Yeah. Can you help me ?

Depends how you mean it.
That your golf cart ?

Yeah... I need a tow truck
or an extension cord,

and my cell phone's being stupid, so...

Not very good reception around here
at the end of the world.

Feel free to use my landline.

Bango.

What do you got under there ?

- You want me to take it out ?
- Oh no, no, that's cool.

Any excuse to get her out.

I love looking at this car.

Yes !

Call me beauty.

Run your fingers along these edges.
Like here and underneath.

You feel that ? Yeah,
there's no rough spots on this car.

When I was a kid,
my neighbor had a car like this

and it had this weird back thing.
What is this called ?

They call it a truck bed.

- Get in.
- I couldn't. I don't wanna hurt it.

A lotta people will tell you...

a car like this, you should just bring
it to auto shows on Sunday...

It's shameful.

This is a driving car.

- I feel like a getaway driver.
- Not with your hands off the wheel.

And it's wood.
How bad is it for the environment ?

Really bad.

Har-looo...

Hello. I have something
very life-changing to share with you.

Or change of life-ing.

- Mom. Mom, Mom.
- What ?

Can you make me a grilled cheese
sandwich with the Cheshire cheese ?

- What ?
- With the Cheshire cheese that...

- Excuse me. Hello.
- Hi.

Hi. How are you ?

Could you please...
move to the side ?

What ?! No ! What is that ?!

Oh, you got to get out.
Can you please get out ? Get out.

Please, go to your own homes.
Or to a parking lot, I don't care.

But just...
don't be in my house right now.

- Mom.
- Mom, Mom. Look at me. Mom.

Look at me. Look at me.
It's a chinchilla.

It's like a giant furry mouse.

So, how did this get here ?
Did somebody close a zoo ?

Who paid for this ?
Did somebody pay for this ?

We didn't do it on purpose.

We went to the store to get boneys for
the dogs and Duke fell in love with it.

She hasn't had a pet like this
since Mandy Patinkin died.

Okay, so I'm just curious though.
So, you guys went to a store...

so that means that you paid money
for this.

So I'm just wondering
how you got the money.

I paid for it...

- On your credit card.
- Oh, that's awesome. Max.

Pick the box up with that thing
and bring it outside.

- Now. Now.
- Its name is Priscilla the chinchilla.

Pick up Prinscilla and bring her
outside to my new car

which I was gonna celebrate but
your thunder stealing chinchilla...

- When did you get a new car, Mom ?
- Did you say new car ?

Mom, you promised me the minivan.

- You're full of shit, Mom.
- No, I am not.

- Did this thing even pass smog check ?
- I dunno. I highly doubt it would.

- Mom, this car doesn't fit all of us.
- I know.

- Max, get in.
- No fair !

Too bad, sucka. That's what you get
for buying a chinchilla behind my back.

Go inside.

Yeah, baby !

Unfortunately, there's no return
on pets, only store credit.

I'm not trying to spend $300
on dog food and bones.

We have a very fine selection of pets
that you can choose from.

I don't want another pet,
I want my money back.

You're the one who sold this dog mouse
to a minor without parental consent.

No, I didn't. I sold it to her.

Anyway, he's been returned too many
times. They'll probably put him down.

Oh, shit.

- Hi, fella.
- Jesus.

I'll be right back.

I just would like to start this phone
call by saying I'm not your manager.

- Stop saying that.
- Well, it's true.

And okay, so, they're going
with all the original cast...

That's great !

- Except for Rooster.
- What ?

They're getting Lazlo Barber.

Lazlo Barber is dead.

I know.

- So, what are you talking about ?
- They're doing something...

A new technology called
Vocology Sernagraphio.

They piece together his voice,

they have, like, over 10,000 hours
of recordings of him.

Okay, so you're telling me

that an actually dead person
is getting a part over me.

Which is my actual part.

I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Jesus. It's nothing personal, Sam.

They just wanted to go
in a different direction.

Fuck.

It just wasn't the right fit.

It was the right fit. For a decade.

They love you and they will keep you
in mind for incidental characters.

Ah, well.

- Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
- Exactly.

Mom. Mom.

- She's nice.
- Whoa. It's a girl ?

Yeah, it's a girl. Look.

Mom.

What the fuck ?

Welcome to my midlife crisis !

Can I drive your new whip ?

Okay. I have to tend to the livestock,
anyway.

- Let's go home, baby.
- Let's go snake-y.

- Oh, cool, it's raining again.
- It's so pretty.

Be careful.
You got the windshield wipers ?

- We should call her Betty White.
- Betty White ?