Better Things (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Escape Drill - full transcript

It's just a meeting
to give you information.

You're not committing to anything.

All you're doing is here
to procure information.

- I'm down.
- I don't know what I'm doing here.

- What if Richard finds out ?
- Good.

Because I am not planning on
getting divorced.

All you're doing is writing her
a check. That's all.

And then if you change your mind
and it all goes to kaka,

Richard won't be able to summon
the motherfucking Night King in there.

Don't worry.

- You can go in now.
- Thank you.



Sam.

Lenny, Lala, this is the guy that
I used to be married to's attorney...

- What ?
- Eva Braun.

I thought you were taking us
to your attorney. Damn.

Shit. Now I know you really love me.

- I'm Dee.
- Lenny.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

This is Dee Willis. She napalmed
my life. And she's the best.

Thank you.

So you should both hire her to
misery-fuck the souls

of your shitty meat-sack husbands.

You'd be surprised
how often I get referrals this way.

- Ladies, come on, sit.
- Come on, just... We're just talking.

- This is very exciting.
- It's the best lawyer in town.



- So, who wants to go first ?
- I'll happily go first.

- Oh, okay.
- Just to break the ice.

So, I'm Lala.
And I want a divorce.

BETTER THINGS

Who has sex less than a married lady ?

Nobody !

There was just never anything really
that wrong with him, you know ?

- Like a lukewarm bath.
- Hard, hard, hard disagree, bro.

I mean, sure, there's nothing right
with him either.

- There we go !
- It was comfortable, OK ? So kill me.

But just saying everything out loud
today, I feel so excited.

- Yes !
- Oh, my God.

Bring on the cold showers.

So Richard called me last night...

We spent like an hour just talking
about things.

I actually think, in the long term,
this might be a good thing for us...

a little space. You think I'm crazy ?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we don't think you're crazy, honey.

It's just hard to watch you keep doing
this to yourself.

Do what ? Care about my marriage ?

Since when is there an exact right way
to do that ?

He's a good dad, and he loves me
and I still love him.

Like I got so many options ?
Spitting on 50...

Am I supposed to start dating again ?
In LA ?

It's Logan's Run here.

Yeah, and we're the dead people.

Eat pork, nom nom nom.

My sisters are so perfect.
I literally want to kill myself.

I want to get my nose done like this.

Sam will never let you.

Bullshit. Girl, she got that hump
on her nose shaved down.

- She told me.
- Sick.

- I want to get my lips done.
- Cutie.

You can literally do anything.

Kim Kardashian had a varicose vein
on her toe and got it removed

because she said it was so ugly.

Also I'm fat.

If you're fat,
then what the fuck am I ?

- What ?
- Why would you say that ?

No, no, I mean me. You're perfect.

Take it back.

I take it back. I'm not fat.
But... you are perfect.

Shut up.

I know.

I don't want you to move.

Don't. Maybe it won't happen.

Also, life is long.

Let's get a selfie.

Wait, get this for my side account.

Okay. Stand right there.

Yes.

Look what I'm gonna do for you. Okay...

Whose house is this gonna be ?
Whose house ?

Whose house ? Jesus.

And how do you... ?

Feisty ferret home.

One piece is Rail F.

But they don't tell you what it is.
Oh, top panel.

8B. Not Rail 8, Rail F.

But then how do you put it on ? You
don't know because you don't tell me.

They're all the same part.

Hey, buddy.

Hi ! I know, but can you come over
a little earlier ?

Like an hour ? Or two ?

I think you assumed it was the dog
or something,

but I was actually the one who left
that thing on your rug.

- Bro.
- I know.

This is amends ? Damn. I don't think
I want to hear any more.

Hey, listen, I saved that for last,
okay ? That's it. I think.

At least that's everything that
I can... remember.

So...

Oh, I go now ? I see.

Okay, well, then...

I didn't know what the protocol is
because I don't attend the meetings,

so what is required of me ?
Is it curtsy ?

I absolve you of all shittynesseses...

Poof. All gone.

Okay.

You did okay. Good.

All right. Okay.

That's all done.

Well, thank you for helping me
do boy things and hand things.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So Sunny goes next ?

Yeah, she just texted
and she's waiting in the car.

- So, is her stuff in that book, too ?
- That's right.

- Pretty much the whole thing.
- Okay.

What can I get you ?
I have La Croix and O'Doul's.

Good, yeah, both.

Copy. Copy you.

Okay, you did...
That was... weird and interesting.

The floor thing though...

- Dad !
- What's up, buddy ?

- Dad ?
- Spider.

- What are you doing ?
- I found a bottle.

That's cool.

Are you coming to Pine People with us ?

Oh... I wish, buddy. But, look, you're
gonna have fun with Auntie Sam, right ?

- I guess.
- I got you tomorrow.

- I know !
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hey, buddy.

You want to go upstairs
and get Duke and Pepper ?

- Grab 'em and we'll go. Hello.
- Hello.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Okay, I'm just gonna get the kids
and change really quick.

We're gonna leave, you guys can have
the house all to yourselves.

It's not gonna be awkward, everybody's
happy. You guys ready to go ?!

Let's go to the soup. I'm sorry when
I put laxatives in your mom's soup.

- That's anybody's guess. I have no...
- Are you serious ?

Oh, this one's a doozy. Doozy.

I'm sorry for the time that I bathroom,
bathroom, bathroom.

What ?! No.

I think.

I'm sorry for the time when you broke
your shoulder. Remember that ?

And then I stole all your Percocet.

Are you fu...
I was in so much pain.

It's probably for the better.
Those things really dehydrate you

and you wouldn't have been able to take
a shit for a while.

Okay. So I feel like we're covering
a lot so far.

This one is... it's deeper.

So I'm s...

I'm sorry for the time when
I fingered your sister in the bathroom

at your birthday party.

Which one ?

- Well, I don't... Your 38th, I think ?
- No, which sister ?

- Maybe take it up with her. Ask her.
- Let's go on to the next one...

And when I told you I was getting
a vasectomy and I didn't,

I'm sorry about that. Although,
you know, I'm not sorry for Sorrow.

I am also sorry that I stole
your brother's identity and tried to...

You know you were basically medicated
for our entire relationship, right ?

Yeah. So I just have a few more, if...

And then what ?

Then you're gonna make up
for 19 years of asshole bullshit ?

You gonna power-wash my driveway,
Jeff ?

Look, I know I can't make up for
everything, all right ?

But I really am willing to
put the effort in.

How's Reiki ?

What ?

- How's she doing ?
- She's good. Yeah, she's fine.

Is it different ?

Different ?

Fucking someone when you're sober.

Well, I haven't really thought about it
like that. But I...

- I guess. Yeah.
- Wow.

We never did a sober bone.

Oh, my God.

I was pretty faced
for a lot of those years.

- Yeah.
- But now...

Now what ? Now you're just a good
fucking guy or something ?

What ?

Nothing.

So, how is Mark doing ?

He's fine.

And obviously...

You know...

Everything between...
Well, things with us...

that would all be grandfathered in,
right ?

Those are the rules.

We didn't write 'em. We just...

Bye-bye !

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Really ?

Hi.

Two pedicures and one manicure.

Ingrown pedicure ! Hi. Hi.

- Oh, hi.
- You go to Lily.

I'll do you, baby.
Come here.

No fair. I never get her.

Pretty color.

We've been married 17 years.
Make me want to vomit.

Why do you stay married ?

I'm waiting for my baby to go to
college. Then I get rid of my husband.

My son, he a doctor.
My daughter got full ride to UCLA.

My middle daughter is
Engineering Science at U of T.

- Very difficult program.
- Yeah, that's amazing.

I can't figure out
how to make enough money.

Hey, I come here 15 year old. Barefoot.
Pregnant. On a raft.

Like how you see all those people
on the news right now ? That was me.

What does that mean ?

Those who are diligent in working
will prosper.

Then you don't need a man.

- What do you do ?
- I'm a hostess at a restaurant.

- Ah, that good. You're working.
- Yeah.

I do nail. Make a fortune.

You know,
it's not about how you make money,

it's about how you save your money.

Then hide your money.

I opened up an I.R.A. account.

Yeah, I put ten percent of
every paycheck I make into it.

Well, my boss told me to do it.
My sister helped me.

No offense to my mom,
but I don't want to be like her,

always worrying about money
and having to work when I'm old.

That what you do so you don't depend on
anybody and nobody suck on you.

Ingrown pedicure ! You have smart girl.
She so smart.

And she so pretty, like model.

You want massage today ?
How about waxing ?

- Let's do Wizard of Oz treatment.
- Yes. Yes. I want everywhere.

Actually, yes. Yes on a wax.

Really, Mom ? You ? Serious ?

Yeah. I just want to get ahead of
a situation that's happening.

I need a little maintenance.

It's patchy. And I want to do
what a balding guy does,

just own it and not other people
going...

I think it's time. It's a bald spot.

And I want to be brave like John Cryer
was when he finally shaved his head.

It's so funny seeing you get your butt
powdered.

- Just like the old days, right, baby ?
- Mom.

Okay, you're done. It look nice, baby.

What if you need to make a kaka ?
That's gonna hurt.

Okay, Mama. You're up.

Rethinking.

Okay. What do you think ?
Do we look alike ?

Like mother, like daughter ?
Are the gobblers the same ?

Oh, my God, Mom !

I'm getting out of here.
Meet me outside.

- Thank you so much.
- No ! You have to hold my hand.

What if I need you to put a comb
under my tongue ?

Go ahead.
Leave nothing but the bones.

- You will look young and pretty.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Like 18 again.
- Yes.

Oh, can you get me a Mario ?
You guys steal mine.

Hello ?

Hi, Sam. It's Mal. How are you ?

Good. New phone though, who dis ?

Your manager. Mal Martone.

Ha ! Oh, hi.

- Guess what I got you ?
- What ?

I got you a gig doing remotes
on my client, Jessica Barden's show.

She's fabulous.

Yeah, I know her. I just saw her.
She told me about this.

She wants to contact you about it. It
was my idea to put you guys together.

You're both so real.

She has a certain damaged quality
to her, just like you.

I think it's a match made in heaven.

She'll tell you it was her idea,
but it was my idea.

- Oh, thank you.
- Dave ?!

Dave !

Dave !"

I am looking for a little boy.
He's seven years old.

- Okay, what does he look like ?
- He has short brown hair. He's skinny.

I don't know whether he's outside
or still in the store.

- What's he wearing ?
- Shorts and a yellow striped t-shirt.

- I'll go this way.
- Okay. Okay. We're gonna find him.

- Dave ?
- Dave ? Dave !

Dave ?

Dave ?

Dave ?

Dave ?

Dave ? Excuse me. So sorry.

Have you seen a little boy in, like,
a yellow striped shirt ?

Sorry.

- Dave ?
- Dave ?

- Oh, thank God.
- See ?

- Yes.
- Thank you so much.

- We're just glad you found him.
- I was so scared.

Scared us.

Take care.

See that ?
That's the circle of life right there.

You want to kill yourself
when they're gone

and then you want to murder them
when you get 'em back.

Excuse me. Thank you. I'm sorry.
Remember us from before ?

This is my bag, my actual bag.

We just went on a manhunt.

Good that everybody... stayed in line.

Employees, too, stayed at your posts.

Line didn't even move one inch.

Dave is fine by the way.

He was successfully reunited
with his mother.

Not that any of you people care,

because you're waiting to buy clothing
that was made by tiny children

who have yet to be reunited
with their parents, if ever.

Mom. It's fine.

I am so proud of you.
You remembered the escape drill.

Childhood training kicks in ! Yeah,
you just dropped in.

- Know your...
- ...exits.

Right.

Oh, he wants you to go.

Excuse me,
these ladies are in front of me.

They're waiting and they're people,
too, and you're ignoring them.

Didn't you think that maybe they can't
just stand here forever at their age ?

I'm only 42 for God's sake.
Jesus Christ.

Bro.

Hi, guys. Got you some goodies.

- I had a great day today, Mama.
- I had a great day, too.

- Hi, I got you food.
- Thanks.

Okay.

- What did I get ?
- Did you do your homework ?

Yes, I swear. I'm almost done.

Okay. Okay. I got you socks, an
umbrella,

sunglasses and a flashlight.

- Cute. Thank you.
- You're welcome !

- Hey, hey. Give me some sugar.
- Okay.

- I love you. Where's your sister ?
- In her room.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, Jesus. Okay.

Come on, guys. You want to go ?

You want to go show Frankie ?
Let's go show your sister. Come on.

Let's go upstairs. Let's go upstairs.

Hey, Frankie. I got you some pres...

Get out, Mom !

I'm sorry !

Come in.

Come in.

What ?

I...

Mom, spit it out.
Getting ready for work.

I just was in Frankie's room
and there's a boy in there.

So what, Mom ?

It's not Jason.
I don't know that gentleman caller.

Mom, it's ok.

He looks old.

Mom, she's the youngest person
in her school. She's trying to fit in.

That's what happens.

Oh, God.
I never should have skipped her.

I thought you said Frankie was a boy.

Mom, I never said that.