Better Things (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
BETTER THINGS
Hi. Dude. Mom. I missed you so much.
Oh... You did ? Baby...
- Oh, ew. Mom. Don't. Gross.
- Sorry. Yes. Yes, sir. I missed...
I missed... Very good...
Hel...
- Who is that ?
- Hi, Mom.
Who is this ? Who is this ?
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
- I brought presents.
- You did ?!
Cute !
- Hi, Gran the man !
- Slow down.
I'm sorry, Gran.
I forgot about your life jacket.
- Never mind. Hello, darling.
- Hi, Gran. I missed you.
- Did you miss me ?
- We only ever have today.
- Are you helping your mother ?
- She's fine.
Cool, cool, cool. I'll just...
- Did you ask her ?
- Nan, she's fine.
- Oh, please.
- It's not even that heavy.
I got everything.
Mom, has it been raining like this
the whole time ?
- Yes.
- That's so cozy.
- I wish it'd rain like this all year.
- Why is the window open ?
- Close your window, for God's sake.
- Okay.
How's my dogs ? And Dr. Bedloe ?
They're good, bunny ! They missed you,
but I missed you the mostest.
Mom, I want to create a dating profile
for you.
Can you turn down the music, please ?
I can't hear myself think.
Okay. Jesus. Anything else, m'lord ?
- Mom. Mom. Mom !
- Turn this up.
No projectiles.
I want to make a dating profile for you
on, like, Bumble or Raya or some shit.
No, thank you. I'm all set. I am
a volcel. I'm a voluntary celibate.
- It's true, Mom. You need someone.
- Why ? I'm fine. I'm seriously fine.
I have my friends, and you guys
and Uncle Rich,
our dogs and Dr. Bedloe and my work.
So... did you guys have a good time
while you were there ?
I don't know. Kinda.
You can have had a good time.
It's okay by me.
Mom. Really sorry to say this,
but my dad wanted to know
if you were gonna send him something.
What ?
He told me to ask you.
Sorry, what is that ?
Is he asking for money ?
You really shouldn't be driving now,
we could get trapped in a mudslide.
Mom, I don't think you should send him
any money anymore.
His family owns, like,
a ton of businesses.
Well, what do you think,
I want to give him money ?
I don't want him coming for me.
Bless you.
One for a wish, two for a kiss,
three's for a letter...
...if anyone sneezes.
Don't pick at it. Don't pick at it.
Gran, how long do you have
to wear the Cardiac Buddy for ?
It's a temporary situation.
But I'm almost finished.
I just need the okay
from my cardiologist.
Excuse me all over the place,
but I really can't bear it anymore.
I don't remember why I have to have it.
I'm in perfect health.
- Nan ? Nan !
- I feel very tired.
Mom ?
Mom, is something going on with Nan ?
Is she having a heart attack
or something ?
Mom. Mom !
You'll need to wear a defibrillator for
a few months
while we monitor your situation.
Bollocking shit-licker !
Phil ! Don't do that. Chrissakes.
- Oh, God.
- Fuck you !
Mom ! What are you doing right now ?
Well... that's incredibly rude
and dangerous.
It's not for you, it's for the driver
to have road rage if she so chooses.
Jesus ! Behave ! Close your window.
God.
You guys, don't encourage her.
Follow that driver !
MOONX357. That's the number plate.
Hey, hey, hey... I mean...
Mom ! That's it.
Okay...
- Get out.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Mom.
Get out.
I have a serious heart condition.
I could pop off at any moment.
Which you'd be very glad about
when I'm not in your hair anymore.
Bro, that's what the defibrillator
is for.
It'll shock you and call the hospital.
It even has a GPS,
in case she gets lost.
You're not allowed in the car anymore.
Goodbye, now. If you can't behave,
you can't stay.
Go on ! Get going.
You can leave me here
like the squirrels and the skunks
and the roadkills.
Okay, bye.
Nan, come back !
- Phil !
- Nan, oh, my God !
Come back.
Stop. Don't. Turn around.
- Mom ! You can't just do that !
- Mom. You can't do that.
Okay. Phil, that's enough, come back.
- Wow. Okay.
- Mom, you can't just do that.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't. Go back.
- Go back.
- Mom.
Let me enjoy this.
I have had custody of your grandmother
the whole time you've been away.
Mom, this isn't funny anymore
and it's raining !
She could get electrocuted.
"Shock, shock, shock, shock." Mom !
Okay, okay. I'm going back.
Getting the old hawk.
So,
did you guys have fun at your dad's ?
It was fine. All G.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Can we get Fruit by the Foot ?
They didn't let us have any fun food.
Fruit by the Foot ? You know it.
Nan !
- Nan, you have to come back.
- What ? Why ?
- She doesn't mean it...
- No, she does mean it. She does.
2Thank you, Frankie. Thank you.
You see ? Your girls look after me.
- I was gonna walk home, actually.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't have got me.
Would you ?
Thank you, guys.
Dear useless dick.
Parenting 101.
Don't go through the kids.
Parenting 101.
Don't go through the kids.
Don't go through the kids.
Don't go through the kids.
Go through your soulless attorney.
- Sprang Break !
- Sprang Break !
Mom.
Morning. Coffee ?
I worked until 2:30.
Can you please just...
Mom, I love you.
Can you... just go ? Please.
There's all kinds of things that...
people can participate in
during the day,
even if they have jobs at night
and they wake up and they go out,
let the sun hit their skin.
Even if they work in restaurants
and there's all kinds of things
they can participate in.
Work at night and actually see
the light of day, maybe.
I don't know. It's a crazy thought.
Mom. Mom ! Mom.
- Chef. Sam.
- Yes.
- Samwell Tarly.
- Your grace. Breakfast is ready.
- Mom.
- Yes.
- So.
- Yes ? What ?
I kinda want... a...
I kinda want...
I want a big party this year
for my birthday.
What ? Serious ?
Yeah. I really do. I want a big party.
I've never had one before.
Who you telling ? I've been wanting to
do something like this for you forever.
- Okay, well, I want a party.
- Okay.
Okay ! This is the best thing ever !
What do you want ?
You want a party bus with a stripper
pole ? You want Moonlight Rollerway ?
You want a girls party ?
You're gonna be 15.
You're gonna be 15. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God, I hope you take it easier
on me at 15 than Max did.
That was intunse.
I know what I want.
I want a quinceañera.
You want a quinceañera ? You can't.
We can't do that. We're too white
for that. We're not allowed.
It's against the law.
It's not cultural appropriation, Mom,
it's appreciation.
I want to honor the roots of the land
that I literally live on,
which was for all intents and purposes,
let's face it, Mexican land.
Come on, Los Feliz, Sepulveda, Pico,
Santa Monica. Are you kidding me ?
I want to acknowledge that California
is a Latinx commonwealth of people
who have been marginalized.
- You're so culturally... whatever.
- No, I'm not.
Well, jeez,
you never even had a Bat Mitzvah.
I know, that's the point.
And now I'm too old for one.
And you're too Jewish
for a quinceañera.
And you're not too old
for a Bat Mitzvah.
You can get Bat Mitzvah'd at any age.
Remember, we went to Auntie Pascal's
Bat Mitzvah.
Yeah, but Mom, I want to be the age of
the thing that we're supposed to be
celebrating traditionally at the time.
- Well...
- And I want my dad to come.
I mean...
you to invite him. I want...
whether he shows up or not, I don't
care. I just want... you to invite him.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay.
I'm happy to have a party for you.
That would be my pleasure
to do that for you.
But you have to invite my dad, Mom.
You have to, it's part of it.
"Oh, my God, shoes."
Sorry. Not sorry. Will you ?
Yes. Yup. Yes, I am. I will do that.
I love you.
I love you.
All right, and...
oh, my God, shoes.
"These shoes rule."
"These shoes suck."
"These shoes suck."
I'M DYING
"These shoes suck."
Oh, my God. Shoes...
He's young, honey.
That's what young people do,
they move on.
You need some more brown ?
I don't think I should.
I don't think I should.
I think the brown is getting me
more down.
- I knew I was in for pain.
- Yeah.
Well, at least he had the balls
to be honest with you.
Finally, I had to say the words...
"You seem different, what's going on ?"
And when he said...
"I feel like
I'm not as into it as you are,"
I argued with him.
I tried to talk him into... loving me.
I tried to talk him into it.
Tried to talk him into loving me
the way I had loved him, and...
That's insane.
It's stupid.
But I didn't care.
- Super attractive.
- Yeah, really cute.
- Cute, right ?
- It's like a pheromone. Desperacy.
That is such a good look on me.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
- No, no.
You okay, Guncle Rico ?
This is so embarrassing.
I'm a mess.
Come here.
Thank you.
Do you know, you're gonna get through
this. Time is your friend.
And we're all here for you.
And you'll find love again.
And if you put the work in now,
you'll be better in the long run.
And later, when you meet someone,
they'll be better for you.
Because you'll be better then, too.
Okay.
Goodnight, sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite.
- See you in the morning light.
- Not if I see you first.
I love you both.
- I can't believe she even exists.
- Same.
- That killed me.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you put the Housewives on ?
- Yes.
- Housewives.
- Yeah.
- Good ?
- Yes.
I love you so much !
I love you more.
Well, I hope you're ready.
'Cause
tonight's the night
I'm finally gonna stick it in.
Fuck yeah.
My evil plan worked.
- You turned me.
- I turned you, yes.
- Oh, this is a good one.
- You've seen this ?
Dooker !
Get chocolate from the secret drawer !
Oh, that's a great idea.
Hi. Dude. Mom. I missed you so much.
Oh... You did ? Baby...
- Oh, ew. Mom. Don't. Gross.
- Sorry. Yes. Yes, sir. I missed...
I missed... Very good...
Hel...
- Who is that ?
- Hi, Mom.
Who is this ? Who is this ?
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
- I brought presents.
- You did ?!
Cute !
- Hi, Gran the man !
- Slow down.
I'm sorry, Gran.
I forgot about your life jacket.
- Never mind. Hello, darling.
- Hi, Gran. I missed you.
- Did you miss me ?
- We only ever have today.
- Are you helping your mother ?
- She's fine.
Cool, cool, cool. I'll just...
- Did you ask her ?
- Nan, she's fine.
- Oh, please.
- It's not even that heavy.
I got everything.
Mom, has it been raining like this
the whole time ?
- Yes.
- That's so cozy.
- I wish it'd rain like this all year.
- Why is the window open ?
- Close your window, for God's sake.
- Okay.
How's my dogs ? And Dr. Bedloe ?
They're good, bunny ! They missed you,
but I missed you the mostest.
Mom, I want to create a dating profile
for you.
Can you turn down the music, please ?
I can't hear myself think.
Okay. Jesus. Anything else, m'lord ?
- Mom. Mom. Mom !
- Turn this up.
No projectiles.
I want to make a dating profile for you
on, like, Bumble or Raya or some shit.
No, thank you. I'm all set. I am
a volcel. I'm a voluntary celibate.
- It's true, Mom. You need someone.
- Why ? I'm fine. I'm seriously fine.
I have my friends, and you guys
and Uncle Rich,
our dogs and Dr. Bedloe and my work.
So... did you guys have a good time
while you were there ?
I don't know. Kinda.
You can have had a good time.
It's okay by me.
Mom. Really sorry to say this,
but my dad wanted to know
if you were gonna send him something.
What ?
He told me to ask you.
Sorry, what is that ?
Is he asking for money ?
You really shouldn't be driving now,
we could get trapped in a mudslide.
Mom, I don't think you should send him
any money anymore.
His family owns, like,
a ton of businesses.
Well, what do you think,
I want to give him money ?
I don't want him coming for me.
Bless you.
One for a wish, two for a kiss,
three's for a letter...
...if anyone sneezes.
Don't pick at it. Don't pick at it.
Gran, how long do you have
to wear the Cardiac Buddy for ?
It's a temporary situation.
But I'm almost finished.
I just need the okay
from my cardiologist.
Excuse me all over the place,
but I really can't bear it anymore.
I don't remember why I have to have it.
I'm in perfect health.
- Nan ? Nan !
- I feel very tired.
Mom ?
Mom, is something going on with Nan ?
Is she having a heart attack
or something ?
Mom. Mom !
You'll need to wear a defibrillator for
a few months
while we monitor your situation.
Bollocking shit-licker !
Phil ! Don't do that. Chrissakes.
- Oh, God.
- Fuck you !
Mom ! What are you doing right now ?
Well... that's incredibly rude
and dangerous.
It's not for you, it's for the driver
to have road rage if she so chooses.
Jesus ! Behave ! Close your window.
God.
You guys, don't encourage her.
Follow that driver !
MOONX357. That's the number plate.
Hey, hey, hey... I mean...
Mom ! That's it.
Okay...
- Get out.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Mom.
Get out.
I have a serious heart condition.
I could pop off at any moment.
Which you'd be very glad about
when I'm not in your hair anymore.
Bro, that's what the defibrillator
is for.
It'll shock you and call the hospital.
It even has a GPS,
in case she gets lost.
You're not allowed in the car anymore.
Goodbye, now. If you can't behave,
you can't stay.
Go on ! Get going.
You can leave me here
like the squirrels and the skunks
and the roadkills.
Okay, bye.
Nan, come back !
- Phil !
- Nan, oh, my God !
Come back.
Stop. Don't. Turn around.
- Mom ! You can't just do that !
- Mom. You can't do that.
Okay. Phil, that's enough, come back.
- Wow. Okay.
- Mom, you can't just do that.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't. Go back.
- Go back.
- Mom.
Let me enjoy this.
I have had custody of your grandmother
the whole time you've been away.
Mom, this isn't funny anymore
and it's raining !
She could get electrocuted.
"Shock, shock, shock, shock." Mom !
Okay, okay. I'm going back.
Getting the old hawk.
So,
did you guys have fun at your dad's ?
It was fine. All G.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Can we get Fruit by the Foot ?
They didn't let us have any fun food.
Fruit by the Foot ? You know it.
Nan !
- Nan, you have to come back.
- What ? Why ?
- She doesn't mean it...
- No, she does mean it. She does.
2Thank you, Frankie. Thank you.
You see ? Your girls look after me.
- I was gonna walk home, actually.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't have got me.
Would you ?
Thank you, guys.
Dear useless dick.
Parenting 101.
Don't go through the kids.
Parenting 101.
Don't go through the kids.
Don't go through the kids.
Don't go through the kids.
Go through your soulless attorney.
- Sprang Break !
- Sprang Break !
Mom.
Morning. Coffee ?
I worked until 2:30.
Can you please just...
Mom, I love you.
Can you... just go ? Please.
There's all kinds of things that...
people can participate in
during the day,
even if they have jobs at night
and they wake up and they go out,
let the sun hit their skin.
Even if they work in restaurants
and there's all kinds of things
they can participate in.
Work at night and actually see
the light of day, maybe.
I don't know. It's a crazy thought.
Mom. Mom ! Mom.
- Chef. Sam.
- Yes.
- Samwell Tarly.
- Your grace. Breakfast is ready.
- Mom.
- Yes.
- So.
- Yes ? What ?
I kinda want... a...
I kinda want...
I want a big party this year
for my birthday.
What ? Serious ?
Yeah. I really do. I want a big party.
I've never had one before.
Who you telling ? I've been wanting to
do something like this for you forever.
- Okay, well, I want a party.
- Okay.
Okay ! This is the best thing ever !
What do you want ?
You want a party bus with a stripper
pole ? You want Moonlight Rollerway ?
You want a girls party ?
You're gonna be 15.
You're gonna be 15. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God, I hope you take it easier
on me at 15 than Max did.
That was intunse.
I know what I want.
I want a quinceañera.
You want a quinceañera ? You can't.
We can't do that. We're too white
for that. We're not allowed.
It's against the law.
It's not cultural appropriation, Mom,
it's appreciation.
I want to honor the roots of the land
that I literally live on,
which was for all intents and purposes,
let's face it, Mexican land.
Come on, Los Feliz, Sepulveda, Pico,
Santa Monica. Are you kidding me ?
I want to acknowledge that California
is a Latinx commonwealth of people
who have been marginalized.
- You're so culturally... whatever.
- No, I'm not.
Well, jeez,
you never even had a Bat Mitzvah.
I know, that's the point.
And now I'm too old for one.
And you're too Jewish
for a quinceañera.
And you're not too old
for a Bat Mitzvah.
You can get Bat Mitzvah'd at any age.
Remember, we went to Auntie Pascal's
Bat Mitzvah.
Yeah, but Mom, I want to be the age of
the thing that we're supposed to be
celebrating traditionally at the time.
- Well...
- And I want my dad to come.
I mean...
you to invite him. I want...
whether he shows up or not, I don't
care. I just want... you to invite him.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay.
I'm happy to have a party for you.
That would be my pleasure
to do that for you.
But you have to invite my dad, Mom.
You have to, it's part of it.
"Oh, my God, shoes."
Sorry. Not sorry. Will you ?
Yes. Yup. Yes, I am. I will do that.
I love you.
I love you.
All right, and...
oh, my God, shoes.
"These shoes rule."
"These shoes suck."
"These shoes suck."
I'M DYING
"These shoes suck."
Oh, my God. Shoes...
He's young, honey.
That's what young people do,
they move on.
You need some more brown ?
I don't think I should.
I don't think I should.
I think the brown is getting me
more down.
- I knew I was in for pain.
- Yeah.
Well, at least he had the balls
to be honest with you.
Finally, I had to say the words...
"You seem different, what's going on ?"
And when he said...
"I feel like
I'm not as into it as you are,"
I argued with him.
I tried to talk him into... loving me.
I tried to talk him into it.
Tried to talk him into loving me
the way I had loved him, and...
That's insane.
It's stupid.
But I didn't care.
- Super attractive.
- Yeah, really cute.
- Cute, right ?
- It's like a pheromone. Desperacy.
That is such a good look on me.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
- No, no.
You okay, Guncle Rico ?
This is so embarrassing.
I'm a mess.
Come here.
Thank you.
Do you know, you're gonna get through
this. Time is your friend.
And we're all here for you.
And you'll find love again.
And if you put the work in now,
you'll be better in the long run.
And later, when you meet someone,
they'll be better for you.
Because you'll be better then, too.
Okay.
Goodnight, sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite.
- See you in the morning light.
- Not if I see you first.
I love you both.
- I can't believe she even exists.
- Same.
- That killed me.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you put the Housewives on ?
- Yes.
- Housewives.
- Yeah.
- Good ?
- Yes.
I love you so much !
I love you more.
Well, I hope you're ready.
'Cause
tonight's the night
I'm finally gonna stick it in.
Fuck yeah.
My evil plan worked.
- You turned me.
- I turned you, yes.
- Oh, this is a good one.
- You've seen this ?
Dooker !
Get chocolate from the secret drawer !
Oh, that's a great idea.