Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 8 - You Are the Boss of Me - full transcript

Phil and Lem invite Ted to Medieval Fight Club while his daughter is away with his ex-wife, but come to regret their decision. In addition, Linda comes to regret becoming Veronica's friend.

And finally,
through a small incision in the skull...

the nanodevice is placed
directly into the brain.

Where once it's activated, it causes
everything the subject eats to taste sweet.

The implications for
weight loss are enormous.

And while elective brain surgery
doesn't test that great...

it still tests better
than dieting and exercise.

Excellent work, everybody.
Thanks for staying late.

- Oh, shoot.
- What's the matter?

My driver died a few days ago,
and I haven't gotten a replacement yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I could give you a ride home.

I suppose that's okay.

But I can't start you at what
my old driver was getting.

You don't have to pay me.
I just thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

All right. Yes.
Thank you. Right?

Thank you? Yes.
I'll go get my things.

- Can we stop and do an errand on the way?
- Sure.

- Uh-
- Oh, still free.

Then pull the car around.

We've never really gotten along.

I figured maybe some one-on-one time
might thaw the chill.

- I always thought Veronica lived here.
- Me too.

You know, she just finds a comfortable
chair and powers down for the night.

- Come on. We are gonna be late.
- You're the one who didn't wanna share the bathroom mirror.

Hey, guys. Thought maybe
we'd go to McTaggert's for beers.

Now? Tonight? Without warning?

- Don't you have to get home to your daughter?
- Nope.

Her mom's visiting after
a year in Botswana.

Which, by the way, is a year
Botswana's never gonna get back.

Anyway, they're hanging
in New York for a week...

until Stacy finds another
country to go fix...

so she doesn't have to work on herself.

So, I'm free.

I wish my wife would go to Botswana.

The thing is, we kind of have plans.

Although, if you wanted to-

Oh, I see. You're going someplace
you don't want me to come.

- That's cool.
- You'd think it was lame.

- I promise I wouldn't.
- Well, then maybe-

Phil, can I talk to you for a minute?
It's not about you.

An occasional drink is fine, but being
friends with your boss is a slippery slope.

Guys, we can get past the boss thing.
I consider you friends.

Phil, can I talk to you a little further away
for a minute? Still not about you.

- Oh.
- You think you're their friend.

But when push comes to shove,
they're always your boss, and they know it.

Yeah, but Ted is not like that.
He's a good guy. Don't touch that!

Besides, Ted could bring us
a lot of street crud.

It's street cred.
You know- credibility.

Oh! Now that finally makes sense.

Thanks for swinging by
my grandmother's place...

and for helping me
carry all her possessions.

Oh. You're really
handling all this pretty well.

I can't believe your grandmother and
your driver both died in the same week.

What? Oh. That's funny.
No, they were the same person.

You hired your own grandmother
to drive you around?

She needed money,
but she didn't want a handout.

She was a very proud woman
and a very proud driver.

You wanna maybe talk about her?
You know, how you're feeling about losing her.

Oh, that's sweet, but no.

Are you sure?

I'm worried it could
change our relationship...

and make it difficult
to continue working together.

But I suppose that's a risk
I'm willing to take.

Or... I could just go.

Don't be silly. Let's talk.
Would you like some wine?

I would like a whole bunch of wine, yes.

Okay. But we'll have to pour it ourselves.

My housekeeper died this week.

I've never been in the subbasement before.

They don't want the executives
down there because of all the asbestos.

When you work for a company this intense,
you have to find ways to relax.

We tried the Veridian chess club
and the quilting club...

but those were just meat markets.

Besides, nothing relieves tension like this.


Welcome to medieval fight club.

Veridian Dynamics.

Bosses. Everybody has one.

Without bosses,
we'd be like these worms- disgusting.

Bosses make everything better.

So listen to your boss...

and don't question them.

Otherwise, you're no better than a worm.

Veridian Dynamics.

Bosses. Necessary.

You have to fight your way
up the ladder.

Newbies start out as peasant farmers.
Here are your soiled rags.

Sorry. We have to stay in character.
The king is watching.

Isn't that Gil, the I.T. guy?

- On the surface world. Here, he is our king.
- Listen, fellas.

This all seems really, uh-

- Cool.
- Sure.

Let's go with cool.
But I think I'm gonna take off.

Ted, wait. You are the first executive
that's ever been down here.

You leaving like this
makes us look like fools.

And we haven't been fools for months.

Let him go. It's not your fault.
Bosses and employees just shouldn't hang out.

It's like a ventriloquist
trying to be friends with his dummy.

At the end of the day,
you know who's sleeping in a suitcase.

The dummy.

All right. I was the one
who pushed for us to hang out...

so I should endure this.

I mean, suffer through- I mean,
support you, because that's what friends do.

And she married my grandfather at 18.

Now my grandfather
had an amazing life.

He came to this country with nothing
and made a huge fortune.

And then one day,
tragically, he got deported.

Oh! That's so sad.

I have a question.
We've been drinking all night.

How can you be sotally tober
when I'm completely fit-shaced?

No, I've always been like this.
My body just doesn't process alcohol like that.

You want one of these?

You want one of these?
That's what I thought.


My grandfather- I never liked him.

He smelled of onions and once cheated
on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt...

who hated men but loved onions.

Why are you telling me all of this?

Because I've never told anybody.

I'm the one who turned him in.

I had him deported.

I declare Ted the victor.

And Victor the loser.

God, that was fantastic. Are you allowed
to fight more than once in one night?

You've done well by bringing a warrior
of such pluck into the fold.

I told you this would work out.

We haven't been this celebrated
since we fixed the king's moped.

My ex-wife is spoiling
the hell out of our daughter.

I could spoil her too,
but one of us has to be a good parent.

Really, sweetie?
Ice cream for breakfast?

No, you're right.
I don't let you do that.

You know what I do let you do?
Get vaccinated.

Okay, I love you too, Rose.

That bitch is driving me crazy.

- Hey, hey! She's seven.
- Whoa! Easy!

Not Rose.
My ex-wife.

Oh, Stacy.
Yeah, she was... crazy.

- Crazy hot.
- Totally.

You were an animal last night.
No one has ever won four battles in a row.

That medieval fight stuff is a blast.
And it wasn't just the winning.

It was the constant winning.
I can't wait to get back to it tonight.

There's no meeting tonight.
We only get the basement once a week.

I took care of that.
I had the A.A. meeting...

moved to the utility closet
so we could have the basement.

Medieval fight club two nights in a row?
Man, my codpiece just got tighter.

See? It's good to be friends
with the boss, huh, fellas?

Well, I-I hate to break it to you,
but we can't make it tonight.

Mom's birthday.

Oh. Well, that's okay.
We'll see you next time.

I can't miss M.F.C.
That's how rumors start.

Would it be weird for me
to bring my mother? Yes.

- Morning, Linda.
- Oh!

I couldn't sleep all night.
I really messed things up with Veronica.

Last night, she opened up and told me
something very personal. Now I know too much.

What if she has me fired... or deported?
I mean, who knows what?

Hello, Linda.

I need to see you in my office.

Okay. Hear that, everyone?
Veronica needs to see all of us in her office.

No. Just you.

I don't know why I drink.
I always either get laid or fired.

I have to start drinking.
I like those odds.

- Linda, there's no easy way to say this.
- You're firing me.

No. That would be easy. You're fired.

What I wanna say is...

I've been keeping
that secret about my grandfather for years...

and it felt wonderful
to finally get it off my chest.

Oh, really?
I'm glad to hear that.

So, thank you for listening to me.

We're letting you go.

- What?
- That would be another way to say it.

Anyway, I slept like a baby all night.

Actually, I thought you might be afraid
that I would tell people your secret.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
I hadn't thought of that at all.

But do what you're going to do, Linda.

Oh, I'm not gonna do that. We're friends.
Friends don't do things like that.

Friends? I like the way that sounds.
Okay, we're friends.

Because you can never have too many.

I used to feed my sister in her sleep
so she wouldn't be skinnier than me.

Wow! You're my first friend
who's ever done something like that.

It feels so good
to finally admit that to someone.

Hey, let's take the morning off
so we can talk some more.

I'll take you to breakfast. Someplace where
the meals don't end with the word "slam. "

I don't know. I've got a lot of work to do
on the Doppler project.

You're with the boss. Relax.

Besides, I can give
the Doppler project toJoe.

Because I do hate the Doppler project.

And I hateJoe, so everybody wins.

No one gets in! No one gets in!

All right. I'm calling it.

Did I win?

Well, he didn't get in, but no.

And this defeat brings you
all the way down to court jester.

Ted. In order to advance to squire,
there is but one knave standing in your way.

I propose a mutual surrender.

Valiant try, you giant ball of wuss.

I declare Ted the victor.

Hey, guys.
No hard feelings, huh?

No. We like that you're
successful at everything you do.

And you realize a forfeit
takes you down to court jester as well.

Fine. Whatever.

But it's going to be the same jokes
you heard last month.

Hey. Your hair looks nice.

You like it?
Veronica took us out to get our hair done.

We've been spending tons and tons and tons
of time together this week.

Well, at least you two are bonding.

We're not bonding.
I'm being absorbed.

Well, whatever it is
you're doing, keep it up...

- 'cause your hair looks great.
- You think I care what my hair looks like-

Linda then loudly explained that her hair...

wasn't important to her right now...

because being friends with Veronica
came at a price.

Sure, there was shopping.

I once slept with my boyfriend's therapist
to find out if he was cheating on me.

He wasn't.

And there were massages.

And then I accused Omar Sharif
of being a terrorist...

so he'd get kicked off a plane
and I could take his first-class seat.

And midnight girl talk.


Hi, it's me. I'd ask you over...

but my sister's in town
for my grandmother's funeral.

But the friendship came with a price.

Veronica keeps dumping
all this stuff on me.

I'm like her brain toilet.
I don't know how much more I can take.

Just because she's your boss
doesn't mean you have to put up with it...

or jump every time she calls you.

Phil! Lem!

- Is he coming?
- Just go. Go!

That's weird.
I could've sworn they saw me.

Hey, friend.
I was thinking we'd have lunch today.

- 1:00? Excellent.
- I don't think that's such a good idea.

- After-work drinks?
- Veronica, I'm sorry. It's just-

- I see. You're dumping me.
- No, no.

It's just-
I really enjoyed spending time with you.

And I don't deserve this much pleasure.
I know.

I'm messed up.
I'm just a big old bucket of crazy.

But I thought, again...

because of my own inadequacies,
we should take a little break.

Well, isn't that funny? Because
I've been wanting to take a break too.

So this works out perfectly.

You wanna take a break
from medieval fight club?

But don't you wanna see my new tunic?
It's got clovers on it.

You bought a tunic?

That's a big investment, considering you're
gonna stop coming when Rose gets home.

That's right. You're going to stop coming
when Rose gets home.

No way. I am hooked. I'll just get
a sitter a couple nights a week.

But it's not gonna be the same
without my two court jesters.

The thing is,
we've been under a lot of pressure...

from the model train club
to get back into that.

Also, I have a chance at being
the first black mayor ofTiny Town, so-

Well. Guess I can't force you
to keep coming to fight club.

Oh. By the way,
I'm gonna need to see the specs...

on the taste-altering brain implant
on my desk by 9:00 a. m.

- No way!
- We can't have it done that quickly!

Well, it looks like
you're gonna be up all night.

Although, if you had
a good enough reason to not be working...

suppose it could wait a few days.

Would medieval fight club
be a good enough reason?

That's what I wanna hear.
Come on, guys.

It's gonna be fun.
Be there or be squire.

Ah! That's... clever.

"Be there or be squire. "
I said that two years ago.

You were right, Lem. His true
boss nature came through and attacked.

We have to figure out a way
to get Ted to drop out of fight club.

Yes, but how?

What if we pit him against The Groth?

The Groth?

Well, I guess it was
put on this Earth for a reason.

I don't think so, fellas.

I'm done with medieval fight club.

- I have a girlfriend now.
- It's just this one time.

- Please, The Groth?
- For us?

Meanwhile, it turned out
Veronica didn't like taking a friendship break.

Oh! Hold it!

And since Veronica was the boss...

she had lots of ways to make that clear.

There you go, Joe.

Enjoy your extra room.

Bring him to me!

You okay? You look a little nervous.
You can call it off and never come back.

No, I just got off the phone with Rose.

She's gonna stay a few more days in New York
with her mom, who didn't clear it with me first.

So now if I say no, I'm the bad guy.

But... stuff happens.
No biggie.

Who dares challenge?

What the-

Linda, I feel like you've been wanting to get
our relationship back to the way it was.

What gave you that idea? The fact that
you turned my cubicle into a hobbit hole?

Now let's not get into who shrunk whose office
or who canceled whose dental plan.

The point is, we had something special...

and you'd like to get back to that,
and I accept.

Veronica, I'd like to be friends.

But real friends don't just
talk about their problems all the time.

Real friends listen to each other.

Okay. I'm listening now.

Oh. Well, let's see.

Well, here's something. When I was
growing up, I wanted to be a gymnast.

And every night after my parents
went to sleep...

I used to sneak out of bed
and put on my leotard.

- And one night, when I thought my
parents were sleeping- - I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to stop you.
You going on and on about yourself-

It feels, well, needy.


I tell you one thing that happened to me,
one thing that's important in my life-

You're doing it again,
and I find it off-putting.

I'm sorry.
I can't be friends with you anymore.

You've changed.

- Hey.
- No, it's okay. I got it.

Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm a little preoccupied.

I almost killed a man in the basement.

Huh. Last week,
a story like that would've surprised me.

So who'd you almost kill? Was itJoe?
I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

No, I've been doing
this medieval fight club...

since Rose has been with her mom,
and I got a little carried away.

- Your ex-wife's in town?
- No.

No, she blew into New York
for a couple weeks.

And since she's never around, I have to drop
everything so that Rose can go be with her.

Well, when Rose gets back, she wants to
stay up late, have ice cream for breakfast.

And then I don't let her,
because I'm an actual parent, not Willy Wonka.

So I'm the bad guy. Rose gets mad at me,
and- I'm going back to the basement.

Why? Is your ex-wife down there?


Because it sounds like that's who
you've been fighting all week.

Either that,
or you've turned into some gigantic nerd.

First of all...

you are speaking to a knight of the realm.

So show some respect.
Second of all, you might be right.

There's a single dads club
that meets on the fifth floor every week.

Maybe you should check it out.

I guess I could go
beat up some single dads.

I- I see what you're saying.

You're smart. In the basement,
they'd drown you as a witch.

Actually, they would
just spray you with water.

It's more like a medieval
wet T-shirt contest.

Good news, Ted.
We took a vote and made you the new king.

And then we took another vote,
and you died gloriously in battle.

Listen, fellas.
I owe you an apology.

I've been working out some personal stuff,
and I acted like a jerk.

I hope I can make it up to you.

Just... rest in peace, King Ted.

He means...
you're dead, so don't come back.

- I got it.
- Just makin' sure...

'cause you're a guy
who can miss the signs.

At least you two
got an apology from your boss.

All I got from Veronica was
a week's worth of frustration.

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