Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - Win Some, Dose Some - full transcript

Ted throws his daughter's wrapping paper-selling contest when he finds out a handicapped girl is in the competition and to purposely lose a bet with Veronica. Meanwhile, Linda gets mad at Phil and Lem when they accidentally dose her.

Veridian Dynamics is one of the most
successful companies in the world.

To make it here,
you have to be very competitive.

Some compete to see
who has the biggest rocket.

Others compete to see who can be the fastest.

But no one's more competitive
than me and Veronica.

- Race you to the elevator?
- Feeling lucky?


But it's that drive to win that
keeps us at the top of our game.

I win!

This is the most fun anyone has ever had
with hypodermic needles.

It's not over yet. It's still wobbling.
And it can't come out for at least a minute.

Same rules as for losing your virginity.

Would you two say that
you are overly concerned...

with the outrageous
prices of store-bought wrapping paper?

Yes. We're so concerned,
we need to be alone right now.

My daughter is selling wrapping paper to
raise money for her school.

Whoever sells the most
wins a trip to Disneyland.

Second place gets to cry
while Rose and I go to Disneyland.

Uh, Phil will take 10 rolls.

- What?
- You heard him.

I'd leave now before he changes his mind.

And Lem, I'll also put you down for 10.

One for each time I told you
not to play the needle game.

Ted knows everything we do.

He's like a god,
only it hurts more when he judges us.

Hey, do you guys have the specs
for the solar powered ovens?

- I hate coming down here.
- Sorry.

- Ah.
- Don't worry.

We only play the clean needle game
with clean needles.

Here's a Band-Aid.

And there's your lady shoulder.

Just bring the specs to my desk.

I'll be the one hoping I never hear
the term "lady shoulder" ever again.


I thought we used the last
of the Band-Aids...

when you wanted to see
what I'd look like with a mustache.

These aren't Band-Aids.
This is that experimental energy patch.

We just drugged Linda.

I owe you an apology, Phil.

When we set out to make an energy patch
look exactly like a Band-Aid...

I said it couldn't be done.

- I was wrong.
- We should tell her.

Or... we don't tell her
so she doesn't get mad at us again.

- I like where this is going.
- What going? That's it. It went.

Yeah. She's just
gonna have a little extra energy.

Why trouble her with something
that might force her to yell at us again?

We're doing her a favor.
That's what's happening here.

- So we're even.
- Even? She owes us.

As you all know, we've been working on
Veridian's new solar powered ovens.

We've had a great amount
of success with it so far.

If you guys will take a look at the chart.

We're working on a contract
for solar powered ovens...

which the military plans to air-drop
into remote villages as a goodwill gesture.

It'll be the only thing the military drops
that doesn't kill people.

- The problem is-
- It kills people.

The plastic we're using
leaches toxins into food.

However, the toxins are only released
when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.

Which is the only time solar ovens work.

Some days it seems like
everything we do leaches toxins.

Well, luckily it can be fixed.

Of course it can! We can do anything!

Because this is the greatest scientific
team that's ever been assembled!

Let's do it!

- Where's she going?
- To "do it"?


Anyway, the solar ovens can be fixed by
using a more expensive material.

Now the plastic in our bomb casings
is completely harmless.

Well, it's nice to know people can safely
eat off our unexploded bombs.

Thank you, everyone.

Hang on! We have another problem.

- Is this about the wrapping paper?
- No.

This is about a little girl's dream...

to sell the most wrapping paper.

A dream that is now being challenged by
some insanely competitive girl named Cynthia.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe
you're the insanely competitive one?

Let me rephrase that.
I'd like five more rolls, please.

Ted, since the military doesn't usually pay more
for something that kills fewer people...

I need you to butter up General McMillan
over dinner...

and get some extra money
out of him.

Oh, man. Can't we just hope
they don't look at the invoice?

Come on.
The general respects you, Ted.

Your experience, your charm,
the whole package-

Oh, and your package.

Always enjoy doing business with you, Ted.

Look, I like the general.
And I like gay people.

- Done.
- Wait.

I just don't think it's right to flirt
for the sake of a deal.

Besides, he's so grabby.
I mean, whatever happened to romance?

What if I were to help you sell
your daughter's precious toilet paper?

It's wrapping paper.

It's not my fault
I don't listen when you talk.

But fine, whatever.
I can sell anything, Ted.

I once sold a guy on having
dinner with a grabby general...

to help his daughter win a contest.

Really? Who?

- Because I haven't agreed to that yet.
- You will.

You're that competitive.

Fine! It's a deal.

If Rose wins,
I will have dinner with the general.

But if he tries that Lady and the Tramp
spaghetti thing again, I'm out of there.


We need our Band-Aid back.

What? That's gross.
Why do you want it back?

- Because it's ours.
- Yeah.

We were just loaning it to you.

Okay, you can have it back.
But you gotta catch me first.

- Ooh!
- I-

Got it!

So I sold 50 rolls.

Veronica sold... 20 rolls.

And you sold...


I only know, like, three grown-ups.

You know, you're kind of a freak
about competition, Dad.

Competition's important, honey.

It motivates people to do their very best.

Besides, you won't be calling me a freak when
I'm wearing my Pluto hat, spinning in a teacup.

Wait a minute. This Cynthia character's
sold 15 more rolls than us.

Who is this girl?

She's new. You can click on her name
to find out more about her.

Let's do that. If you want to crush
your competition, which I-

we do, you want to get to know
everything about them.

How they think,
what their interests are...

what kind of wheelchair
they're confined to.

Veridian Dynamics.

Whether it's animals...

or this old woman and baby
fighting to the death...

competition makes us stronger.

In business, that means better products-

pills that look like candy...

hands that can shoot lightning...

and a new generation
ofhurricane-proof dogs.

Veridian Dynamics.

It makes everything better.

We have a problem.

Cynthia, our competition in the
wrapping paper contest, is in a wheelchair.

Ooh, yeah, that is a problem.

It gives her a huge competitive advantage.
We're gonna have to step it up.

Wait. You don't think competing all-out
against a girl who's disabled is wrong?

Wrong? How should I know what's wrong?
I'm not some Greek philosopher.

- What does Rose think?
- Oh, she's no help.

- I taught her everyone should be treated equally.
- Then treat everyone equally.

You're not supposed to really do that.
You're just supposed to teach it.

Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win.
You just need to hear it's okay.

No, I don't. But it is, right?

Yes. We should treat this Cynthia
equally and beat the-

- Does she wear pants?
- I think so.

Then let's beat them off her.

Wait. You just want Rose to win so that
I'll go have dinner with General McMillan.

God. It's like
you're obsessed with the guy.

Ted, you've gotta focus. This is about
selling solar ovens, not your love life.

Linda's crying.

Well, we got the patch off her.
So we're good.

Still, she's crying, and we like her.

So we should see what's wrong.

Hey, Linda. What's wrong?

TheJewish people have had such
a tumultuous history.

And yet they were still able
to give us this-

The everything bagel.

It's all you'd ever want in one bagel.

I love it.

And the chosen people who created it.

- Oh! I have been so emotional lately.
- Well, maybe it's just-

Why don't you shut up and
stop trying to analyze me?

Do you think wildly erratic emotions could
be a residual effect of the energy patch?

Hard to tell. This is the problem...

when the company will only pay for testing
on drunk frat guys.

- So what do we do?
- I don't know.

We could just stand here without a plan.

I like where this is going.

- I can give you six rolls for five dollars a roll.
- Whoa! That's crazy.

Why, that's well below
the current wholesale price.

Too late. She promised.
I'm getting my checkbook.

We work well together. Like Batman and-

- I'm Batman.
- Well, it was my idea. I think-

I'm Batman. And Robin!

Hi, guys!

Hi, best looking woman in the company,
possibly the universe!

Hello, person who clearly wants
something from me.

I do want something from you.

I want to know
how you got to be so freakin' awesome.

Look at you. You got it all going on.

You're an incredibly powerful woman.

You are so pretty. And your calves-

They're like granite wrapped in silk.

Is everything okay, Linda?

You just said a whole bunch of stuff, any one
of which would be disturbing on its own.


Well, maybe you wouldn't find me disturbing
if I was more like Veronica. Look at me.

I'm more like Veronica.
I'm tilting my head curiously.

I once left the ladies' room
without washing my hands.

That's right. I saw you.

Clearly she's lost her mind. I wouldn't believe
a word she said- past that calf thing.

Hey. There's something we hoped
we'd never have to tell you.

You know when you accidentally dose someone,
like with an experimental energy patch...

and you hope they'll
sit quietly at their desks...

but instead they wander around,
drawing unnecessary attention to themselves?

We've done something
eerily similar to that.

You boneheads dosed me? I could kill you!

But then I would miss you so much.

Based on the dose she received,
we're confident...

the effects should wear off
within the next 24 hours.

Thank you for your attention
and forgiveness.

Stop. Turn back.

Dosing an employee is a serious offense.

"I'm Veronica. I'm so serious.
And I have pee-pee on my hands. "

I wash my hands, you drugged-up fruitcake.

Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.

"Okay. Here's what's gonna happen. "

First, we're gonna cut you a lot of slack and hope
you don't say something that gets you fired.

Second, Phil and Lem, you're not
gonna let Linda out of your sight...

until she's completely back to normal.

"Look at me. I'm Linda.
I'm making fun of everyone. "


Oh, good. You're still awake.

Crazy day. But...

Veronica and I sold
so much wrapping paper...

not only are you going to Disneyland...

but Mickey's gonna be
wearing your ears on his head.

Oh, wait. That's a horrifying image.

Everyone at school hates me
because I'm beating the disabled girl.

But everybody's equal.
We don't see disabled people.

Well, we see them. We just don't care.

Well, we care.
We just don't treat them differently.

Well, they do have their own parking.

Cynthia's had a really hard life,
and everyone else is letting her win.

If I win, everyone's
gonna be so mad at me...

I won't be able to go to school anymore.

Can we not win, Daddy? Please?

I know it's hard for you.

No, it's okay.
We'll let Cynthia win. Come on.

Mickey will wear her ears.

Thank you, Daddy.
Could I sleep with the light on tonight?

- It was the ear thing, wasn't it?
- Little bit.

These cookies are inedible.

- I made cookies!
- You made cookies an hour ago.

Eat them!

This is so much fun, having a sleepover!

Well, Ted wanted us
to keep an eye on you...

and when we tried to take you
to my house, you bit me.

So here we are.

There's a penny in this cookie.

Just eat it! Eat it!
Don't get her mad again.

There's that baby again.

It cries every night!

- Babies do that.
- Not tonight they don't. This ends now!

Linda, you can't hurt a baby!

Well, you can hurt them.
They're not indestructible.

I meant it's morally indefensible.

- Well, what if the baby killed a man?
- You and your moral puzzles.

I just love 'em.

Answer the door, baby!

I know you're in there!
I can hear you crying!

Linda, what's going on?
Why are you yelling at Stella?

Stay out of this, Kathy.
This is between me and the baby.

Who is just the cutest thing in the world.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

Hi, Stella.
Can I hold her? Please?

I don't think that's a good idea.

So you're saying under no circumstances
would you harm the baby Hitler?

Hey, fellas. Look what I got.

A baby. I'm naming her Ted.

This is exactly the type of thing
the other Ted wanted us to prevent.

Linda? Linda!

The next morning, I told Veronica...

that we had to let Cynthia
win the wrapping paper contest.

She took it better than expected.

You're soft and weak, Ted, like a geisha.

Rose is being teased at school. She's far more
important to me than a wrapping paper contest.

If she wants me to stop selling,
I'm stopping.

Fine, quit. I don't give a crap.

So, when are you having dinner
with the general?

I'm not.

Because technically I only had to do that
if Rose won the trip to Disneyland.

If she's not gonna have a magical
experience, neither is the general.

Well, if Rose has to win for you to have that dinner,
then I'm gonna make sure Rose wins.

- And I'm gonna make sure she loses.
- Then it is on.

It'll be like two great
heavyweights going toe to toe.

And I'm Ali... and Frazier... and Foreman!

Sure. I could've just agreed to have dinner
with the general to end this thing.

But I know I can beat Veronica.

At the company picnic,
I beat her in a three-legged race...

although we both lost to
something Lem and Phil created in the lab.

I don't get it. Why do you need to
buy back all the wrapping paper?

Because it's dangerous, Mindy.
It's a choking hazard.

It's made of lead, and prolonged exposure
could cause violent incontinence.

It could stain your hands, stunt your growth
and cause testicular desiccation.

Hoof and mouth, dry mouth, trench mouth.

And if you hold it up to the light,
you can see Santa's penis.

- Ted.
- What? What's coming?

Relax. I'm okay now. The effects wore off.

Unfortunately, it was several hours
after I stole a baby.

- You stole a baby?
- Only for a few seconds.

Turns out just because you write your name
on something, doesn't mean you get to keep it.

Yeah. I think babies have to be notarized.

Wait. Weren't Lem and Phil
supposed to be watching you?

Yeah. There's a lot of things
those guys don't do well-

watch me, not dose me,
stop me before I write my name on a baby!

I'm so pissed at them. I want payback.

"Oh, I'm Linda. I want payback. "

That's my payback.

I got the wrapping paper back
from half the people I sold it to.

The other half were willing
to risk their lives to see Santa's junk.

That's Rose.

Congratulations, loser. What?

What do you mean you're way ahead?

Lonny, prepare to cash in your pension...

because I have an exciting
new investment opportunity.

They're called derivatives,
and you can't lose.

Multiple buyers owe a balance of
payments on their gift wrap.

And so you buy shares of pooled debt,
generating long-term dividends with minimal risk.

That's how I bought my house.
I'm in.

Damn, she's good.

Veronica has been busy all afternoon.

She wasn't just gonna hand me my ass.
She was gonna hand it to me gift-wrapped.

Analysts project that wrapping paper sales
are going to improve.

So if you buy futures now with the option
to sell later, you can anticipate a robust return.

- Veronica, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry, Ted.

I've put Rose so far ahead,
there's no way anyone can catch her.

Although there's a three percent
chance she could end up in jail.

Fine. You win.

I like when that happens.
And it happens a lot.

Rose was gonna be upset Cynthia didn't win.

I wasn't thrilled either,
because it meant...

I had to have a lovely dinner
with the general...

to convince him to pay more
for the solar ovens.

A body like a young Mark Spitz.

Well, thank you, General.
I can't hear that enough.

Although five times
is getting pretty close.

So, let's talk business.

I think we can go an additional
10 cents per unit.

Really? That-That's terrific.

- You're a handsome man, Ted.
- Thank you.

I hope that's not inappropriate
for me to say. It's just a fact.

Everybody's so damn touchy nowadays,
I never know what the rules are.

Time was all we had to do
was kill people.

Now we have to leave them
with parting gifts.

Parting gifts. Huh.

- Are you propositioning me?
- What? No.

It's just... these solar ovens,
they're not meant as handouts.

They're meant as gifts, right?

And if you want a gift to be appreciated,
it should be presented as a gift.

That's interesting.

Course, coming from that mouth,
everything's interesting.

I am a competitive guy.

I make no apologies for that.
If I see a way to win, I'm gonna take it.

And so I sold five million dollars
of wrapping paper to the military.

And I did it in Cynthia's name.

She won the trip to Disneyland,
Rose could keep going to school...

and I beat Veronica.

No, you didn't. You still had to
go to dinner with the general.

I sold more wrapping paper than you.

That's not what we were competing over.

It was one of the things
we were competing over.

You're so competitive, it's sick.

- Not as sick as you.
- That's right. I win. Again.

Hey, do you think that patch
could've had any other side effects?

Because I've been really itchy lately.

Well, itchiness is
a side effect of many drugs.

- Sure beats crazy though, doesn't it?
- I guess.

It's just my back is so scratchy.

Maybe I should see a doctor
or a lawyer or something.

As scientists with very little money,
we suggest you don't see a lawyer.

- We could take a look.
- Would you?

Feathers. She's growing feathers.

- Oh, my God! What do we do?
- Calm down.

- Just stay calm.
- Feathers!

What? Did he just say feathers?

You'll be fine.

- Chicken lady! Chicken lady!
- No, I can't be a chicken lady!

I have so much I wanna do in my life!

I want to get married and have children
and glue feathers to my back...

to mess with idiot scientists
who are careless with experimental drugs!

You can still do all those things!

Oh, wait.

Well, now we're even.

And next time you dose me,
you better finish the job.

- Hi, Veronica.
- Hi, crazy pants.

Listen, about what I said the other day-

You called me powerful and
complimented my calves.

That's all I remember.

Oh, good. So you're not mad?

You're obsessed with me, Linda.

I like that about you.

No, I'm not.

Everyone in this place is nuts.

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