Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 9 - Bioshuffle - full transcript

A toxic leak from a biocomputer creates tension between Linda and Ted when they are forced to share Ted's office. Meanwhile, the new shared workspaces creates a potential romantic interest for Lem.

A well-run company
is like an intricate machine.

A lot of moving parts working together
in perfect precision.

You might say Veridian Dynamics
is like a finely tuned watch.

That's Dale.
He even has a big hand and a little hand.

You guys are great.
Ahead of schedule and under budget.

- So, what is it?
- We call it "The voice of God. "

- No, we don't.
- No, we don't.

Hypersonic Sound, or H.S. S...

projects a narrow beam of sound which can only
be heard by a specifically targeted person.

Field testing shows that the subject-
or victim...

as I like to call people helped
by Veridian technology-

can be hundreds of feet away...

and will hear the message
as though it's being whispered only to them.

It's highly persuasive.
Advertising companies are very excited...

because it will allow them to burrow
even deeper into the human brain.

Let's zap Rick.
He's always using the copy machine.

We get it. You need to make a lot of copies.

just don't set it too high.

At full power, the sound wave is so intense,
it can cause vomiting.

A machine that causes vomiting.

That could have all kinds of applications
for the military.

And fashion modeling.

Rick. It's me, God.

You want me to stop using the copier?

But why? I-I don't make that many copies.

No. No, I-I'm not questioning you.

This is what it would be like if God was insecure.

This place may be a perfectly tuned machine...

but the thing about a perfect machine...

it only takes the smallest glitch
to throw the whole thing off.

That's not right.

Really not right.

This is such a circus.

You're a baby. You know that? A big baby.

Veronica, it's toxic.
We had to call in the contamination guys.

So am I allowed to ask what ate my desk?

All we know is it came from a leak
from Dr. Bamba's biocomputer upstairs.

Yes. A biocomputer.
It's half machine, half living organism.

And if you think that sounds creepy,
you should see it at feeding time.

- Speaking of useless half living organisms.
- Hello!

I brought doughnuts. A festive treat
while we wait out this little inconvenience.

Don't think you can buy your way out of this
with doughnuts, Dr. Bamba.

Just give me a status report.

Okay. And a buttermilk log.

Uh, the biocomputer,
which I have humorously named Johnny...

has been leaking an acid-like goo-
or "ass-goo" for short.

Anyway, we are stumped.

Johnny has been running nonstop for three years...

and we've never had a problem like this before.

Sadly, until we find the reason for the leak,
it will continue.

Is it even safe to work in the building?

just get it fixed.

And you need to grow a pair.

Veronica assigned Dr. Bamba to Room 4D...

which is known as "the ridiculously tiny office. '"

This office is ridiculously tiny.

- Other employees were left
to find their own office space.

- People! People!
- Please, help us. Please.

I hate seeing you put out like this.

I said, I hate seeing you put out like this.

Thank you.

Make sure that it- it's more powdery.

I'm supposed to share an office with Wallace,
that food taster guy in the basement...

u- unless anyone else has an idea?

Uh, take the freight elevator? It's faster.

Thanks, Ted.
That's exactly the idea I was looking for.

I don't know anything about women,
at least according to my wife...

but I think Linda wants to move into your office.

I know, but it'd be awkward.

Even though she has a boyfriend,
there's always been this attraction between us.

I mean, she is smokin' hot.

Anyway, you're right,
but I just don't think it's a good idea.

So I do know something about women.

I am gonna call my wife
and tell her how hot Linda is.

Oh, wait.

- Experimental cracker?
- God, no.

But you keep chewin'.

Okay, Linda.


Maybe I wasn't being that clear before.
Can I move in with you?

But what about Wallace and all his crazy foods?
That's gotta be fun.

Ted, he told me
he needs a good woman in his life...

because his mom just died.

Then he coughed up some
of the experimental cracker he'd been eating...

and swallowed it again.

I mean, sure, every girl dreams
of a romantic moment like that...

but it was all happening so fast.

Well, I'd love to help you, Linda...

but I don't have a lot of space in here.

In here. In here. In here.

And there's that terrible echo.

Okay. Of course.
I- I'd be happy to have you share my office.

Thank you. I'll be right back.

Oh! And your penholder's
gonna be perfect for my tampons.

I'm kidding. But seriously,
I'm gonna need a couple of drawers.

I can do this. It'll be fine.

We just have to make sure
we keep things professional.

Oh, God!

I've been lugging that thing all over the place.

Oh, boy.

Veridian Dynamics.


When you were little, you wanted to be one.

Now we're working to make that happen...

by taking the best things about people...

and the best things about machines...

and combining them...

into something strong and, we hope, loving.

Veridian Dynamics.

Man and machines. Best friends forever.

I wasn't the only one
being affected by the goo...

coming out of Dr. Bamba's Johnny.

All the scientists from the biocomputer floor
had been reassigned to other labs.

- Why don't you go talk to her?
- Talk to her?

Would you talk to a rainbow... or a sunset?

If I wanted to get it on
with refracted light, I would.

If only I was a worm. I could cut myself in two
and date my lower half.

We all wish we were worms,
Lem, but that's never going to happen.

Now get in there.


I'm Lem.

I'm Lucy. I work upstairs in Robotics.

I shouldn't be talking to you. I just created
a robo-boyfriend who gets very jealous.

- Oh.
- W-Wait.

I'm kidding. We broke up.

That's funny. You're funny.

I can be funny.

Uh, want to see me throw something
at that guy, or touch the ceiling?

That's lame.

But it's cute you're trying so hard
to impress me.

If you like lame,
you should meet me for a drink tonight...

after I have dinner with my mom
and pretend to go to bed.

One drip on a desk.

That's all it took to throw things out of whack.

And then when that happens,
it changes the way you look at things.

Are you staring at my butt?

Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place.

So technically, it's staring at me.

Sorry. It's from a small town.

It's never seen a big businessman like you before.

Well, tell it to act more professional.

It's making a spectacle of itself.

I was worried about sharing an office
with someone I'm attracted to...

but the real problem is being stuck with
someone with such annoying work habits.

Mama. Say "mama. "


Look, he's trying to say it.
Only he pronounces it "mau mau. "

- Mau mau.
- Linda?

Excuse me. Yes?

I need to get some work done.
Maybe you should also.

And I'm sure the fish has things to do too...

like protect his treasure from that diver.

Okay, first of all, "the fish" has a name.

He's MacGyver.
That's right. MacGyver and the diver.

And second of all, they're gay married.
And don't you darejudge-

You do know I need your report
on the hypersonic sound project in two days?

Whoa. Look who's all "get to work. "

Hey, MacGyver.
Why do you think Ted's like that?

Who do you think
he didn't get enough love from?

That's right. His mau mau.

# Are you ready #

#Yes, I'm ready #

#Are you ready #
#Yes, I'm ready ##

# Is your report ready #

# No, it's not ready #

- # I should have your fish do it #
- # He can only write mau mau ##

I had a great time last night.

I've never been to a dance-aoke bar before.

Well, technically, it's a karaoke bar...

but I like to bring it when I perform.

Listen. I had a great time also.

I'm just so sorry about the way it ended.

- Good night, Lem.
- Good night, Lucy.


You were allergic to my perfume.

It could've happened to anyone.

I'm not wearing any now.

How you doing? I'm Brody.

I was assigned to this office...

with this beautiful, exotic lady.

I'm not exotic. I'm Asian.

There are more of us than there are of you...

so statistically, you're the exotic one.

What? Wait. What?

You heard the statistically average lady!

Is it possible to overdose on antacid?
I hope the answer's yes.

Here. Let's find out together.
They just yelled at me upstairs.

They're mad because this leak
is hurting productivity in our department.

Someone even suggested making the cubicle
workers do their jobs in hazmat suits.

- Well, that seems a little-
- Save your breath. They told me no.

I need this leak fixed now, Ted.

Well, I'm not waiting on Bamba.

The man is so stressed,
he spends his day staring out the window...

he drew on the wall of his office.

I put Lem and Phil on it. Believe me, no one
wants this problem solved more than I do.

Is Ken having trouble with Barbie
in their Malibu Dream House?

I must say, the thought of you guys
in there together sickens me.

- You're not jealous, are you?
- Jealous implies I can't have something I want.

This is more like if someone borrows my stapler.

Even if I'm not using the thing...

I still don't like the thought
of someone else pounding away on it.

See that? She's been working for 10 minutes now.

- I'm actually getting some-
- I need a break.

- Tell me about your ex-wife.
- Lovely woman.

Sex was good. Crazy as hell. Back to work.

So she was crazy, huh?

I'll bet that's why the sex was good.
Why'd she leave?

Sure. Let's talk about my wife taking off
one day, abandoning me and our child...

flying off to save the world while leaving
the wreckage behind of our broken family.

- That'll be a fun afternoon.
- It's not bad to go to a sad place sometimes, Ted.

And I hope you've talked about your wife
to someone.

Because it's important to work through
relationship issues and figure out what went wrong.

Otherwise, you'll just keep making
the same mistakes over and over again.

You know what I mean?

I guess I hit a nerve.

He's got more problems than you...

and you poop in your air.

Now I know why Barbie and Ken
are sold separately.

Can I move in with you?

It was impossible
to get work done with Linda in my office...

so I moved in with Veronica.

She and I both appreciate a quiet,
professional work environment.

Sorry. I couldn't get any work done
with that hair screaming at me.

The leak has put Veronica
under a little stress too.

The next day, the stress intensified...

and so did Veronica's way of coping with it.


Still, it's easier than being with Linda.

Besides, Veronica goes to a lot of meetings...

so I get the place to myself.

They've decided upstairs to make me
the fall guy for this whole biocomputer thing.

A project that wasn't even mine.

- Just dripped on my floor.
- Veronica, that's a gun.

Blame the bird that dropped the turd,
not the hat that got the splat.

- That's a basic rule of business.
- Veronica?

- Don't these people know anything?
- What are you doing?

That always works.

- Mother!
- Ted, you're a guest.

I can't have you flinching
every time I shoot a gun in here.

So, it's not really working out with Veronica.


Have you been able to plug the leak
in the biocomputer?

Because I need it plugged, Phil.
I need it plugged bad.

According to my wife, I'm not good
at reading men either, but it sounds like-

Look, I can't go back to my office
because Linda's work habits drive me crazy.

And I can't say anything because then we
just get in a fight, and I don't want to fight.

I like Linda.
I just need things back the way they were!

- Well, I suppose we-
- Just do it!

Oh, God!

- Ted, are you avoiding me?
- What? No.

- The opposite. I've been looking for you.
- I've been in your office.

- I know.
- I feel like things have gotten weird since I moved in.

And I think I know why.
Maybe we should talk about it.

Ooh, I'd like to. Uh, I can't.

I'm in the middle of something, so- darn it!

Christmas was great, of course. It was
a real white Christmas, which was just awesome.

This polymer should plug the leak...

but it's a temporary fix.

Unless we figure out why it's leaking,
it's gonna keep happening.

Look at that gorgeous creature.

I have to stop him from getting my girl.

Oh, God, Lem. You're using science for no good.

We took an oath we would try to do that less.

I'm cranking this all the way up.

I'll bet Brody is a lot less suave
when he's covered in his own vomit.

I know I am.


- Oh, God.
- Well, that's gross.

Oh, my God.
I emptied the stomach of the woman I love.

Okay, fellas. Time's up.

We're gonna go fix the biocomputer. Follow me.

But the polymer still needs more testing.

If you come with me now,
I won't ask what you did to that poor woman...

to make her throw up like that.

Fair enough.

My God. It's beautiful.

Half computer, halfliving organic matter.

That looks like barf.

I miss Lucy.

I just want to shoot this thing
full of polymer, get on with our lives.


Since it hasn't been tested,
there's a 20% chance...

that when the polymer interacts
with the corrosive acids...

the entire thing could explode.

Well, let's see. Twenty percent.

There's a hundred percent chance
Linda's still in my office.

Let's do it. Stand back.

There was a 1-in-5 chance
that this could end badly...

but that was a chance I was willing to take
to get my life back to normal.


I know what's causing the problem.
The biocomputer has an ulcer.

That's why it's leaking fluid.

This thing has been running nonstop
for three years.

It's stressed.

But since it's a biocomputer,
instead of crashing like a machine...

it's secreting acids like a living organism.

- How do you know that?
- I realized it when I saw you chugging antacid.

I guess I've also been under a lot of pressure.

With Linda moving in my office and all,
it's- it's been a difficult time.

- So what do we do?
- We're men.

We ignore your vulnerable moment.

I meant about the biocomputer.

All it needs is a way to communicate
when it's stressed.

I can write a program
that's triggered by an acid buildup-

a sort of acid interface, or "ass-face" for short.

I'm not sure these abbreviations
are really worth the time they're saving.

As much as I hate to admit it...

the biocomputer and I have something in common.

We both get stressed out
when we don't communicate.

Plus, I'm pretty sure
neither of us can fold a fitted sheet.

- We need to talk!
- Oh, not now, Ted. I'm working.

- Now you're working?
- Yeah.

I've got this report due tomorrow, remember?

But fine. What did you want to talk about?

Well, your work habits, and how bad they are...

and how much that bugs me.

Okay. This can wait. Go ahead.

Well, to begin with, your work habits are bad.

Uh, and in conclusion, that bugs me.

That's not why you've been so tense.

You know why you've been so tense?

- Does it have anything to do with your work habits?
- No.

- Damn.
- You still want me.

I'm in your staring place...

but you're still too wounded by your ex-wife
leaving you to know what to do with that.

So you don't want to be with me
because you're afraid I might leave too.

You flirt with me. You stare at my butt.

- But that's as far as you can go.
- As far as I can go?

You flirt too, and you're the one
that has a boyfriend.

Well, you're the one that has a good-
That's a good point!

But six weeks ago, I did not have a boyfriend,
and you still wouldn't be with me.

Fine. From now on, no more flirting.

- We keep it professional.
- Fine with me, boss.

Good. Starting now,
you're just another buttless coworker.

Good. Then the door
has nothing to hit on my way out.


I found your sweater in the lab,
so I had it dry-cleaned.

Oh, that- that was nice of you.

Listen, Lucy, about what happened-

Look. It's the exotic dude from the lab.

Hey, buddy.

Come on, babe. Tea's ready.

Sorry. I thought he was a jerk at first...

but then when I threw up,
he brought me home and took care of me.

Weird, huh?

If I hadn't gotten sick,
this never would've happened.

So you owe me $12 for the dry cleaning.

Thanks to Phil, the biocomputer healed and
was brought back to the land of the half living.

More importantly, everyone could
go back to their own work spaces.

For some, it was bittersweet.

You'll always have your sneeze-related head injury.

For others, getting their office back
was Julie Andrews sweet.

You did this, Phil...

and to recognize your efforts,
we're promoting you to senior lab associate.

Oh, I was promoted to that a year ago.


You shouldn't have been.
You probably owe the company some money.

I'll check into that for you.

Thank you.

Here are the test results
for the sound transmitter.

Your presentation is at 3:00,
so you have a few hours to look it over.

Thank you. Very professionally done.

My process is just different than yours...

but I am professional.

- And I believe professionalism is our new mandate?
- Yes, it is.

Well, thank you for letting me share
your office, and good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

English - US - SDH