Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 18 - Homework - full transcript
Katie's school assignment is to write a paper about her family. In addition to her father, she includes Benson, Kraus, and the others whom she considers part of her family.
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My, don't you look spiffy?
Spiffy?
Governor, this isn't spiffy.
This is bad.
What's wrong with it?
No, sir,
"Bad" means "Good."
Oh, and you're going out
to have a real bad time?
You said it.
Is this a special occasion,
Benson?
No, I'm going out to
have a little dinner,
maybe a little dancing.
Did I ever tell you
about the time I entered
the dance marathon?
I'm afraid not.
Well, I lasted for 39 hours.
(CHUCKLING)
I remember they kept playing
the same tune
over and over again.
I could have won if it hadn't
been for my partner.
She couldn't keep up
with you, huh?
No, I couldn't keep up
with her.
She ran off
with the saxophone player.
So, I gave up the idea of
becoming a professional dancer
and went back
to high school.
Well, I think you made
the right decision.
Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Benson, what would you say
if I went out
with you tonight?
You mean, you
and the security guards?
Well, they are supposed to be
with me wherever I go.
Well, sir, I don't know
how much fun we'd have
at the Lido Palace
with three guys hanging around
looking like cops.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Benson.
Hi, Katie.
Oh, Benson,
you look bad.
You're right. (CHUCKLING)
The worst I've ever seen.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
He'll never get it.
Well, Benson,
what's with the suit?
I'm stepping out tonight.
Oh, I was hoping
it was a job interview.
Well, I have a quiet evening
at home planned.
The Sound of Music
Is on.
♪ The hills are alive
♪ With the sound
of music ♪
Oh, boy,
The Sound of Music.
Can I watch it
with Miss Kraus?
Not till you've finished
your homework.
All I have to do
is write an essay.
It shouldn't take more
than 20 minutes.
You can write a whole essay
in 20 minutes?
I know I couldn't.
Then you can't watch
The Sound of Music.
It won't take long, Daddy.
All we have to do is describe
each member of our family.
And since you're
the only family I've got,
I'll be finished in no time.
Katie, what I want you to do
is write something
about everybody who lives
here in the mansion.
We're all part
of the same family.
We're all related, sort of...
Benson, Marcy,
Pete and Clayton, Miss Kraus.
Don't get carried away.
You're very lucky to have
such a big, special family.
Oh, Daddy.
Now, Katie.
All right, Daddy.
Don't play favorites.
Take care of yourself, Benson.
I may not see you for weeks.
(CHUCKLING)
Uh, I guess that'll
do it for tonight.
Well, good night, Governor.
Have a wonderful
time, Benson.
Listen, If you've got
nothing better to do,
I'd be happy to have you
come along with me.
Benson, could I take
a rain check on that?
There's no way I'm gonna miss
The Sound of Music
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, I'll try to have
a good time anyway.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(OFF-KEY)
♪ The hills are alive
♪ With the sound
of music ♪
KATIE: "My Family,"
by Katie Gatling.
"My family is not like
other families,
"because everyone
who works for my father
"is part of my family.
"But none of us are related
except my father and me.
"I was gonna write
about my father first,
"but he told me
not to play favorites.
"Clayton Endicott is my
father's chief political aide.
"Clayton is...democratic.
"He treats everyone
the same way."
Ah, Benson,
Benson, Benson.
What a pleasant surprise.
What's your angle, Clayton?
No angle, I'm just surprised
you're still here.
You're not going
to the big fight?
The fight's
been sold-out for weeks.
Uh-huh.
What would you say
if I told you
that I had
two ringside tickets?
I'd say
you were rubbing it in.
And what would you
say if I told you
those tickets are yours?
Mine?
If you ask me nicely.
Here they are, Benson.
Hmm.
What happened, Clayton?
They cancel the fight?
No, no, no. I just had
a change of plans.
I can't use them.
This is very nice
of you, Clayton.
I know.
Why do I have the feeling
that you're about
to invade Poland?
What's the catch?
There's no catch.
There's just a...
(CLEARS THROAT)
A certain somebody I want you
to take with you.
Who?
Trust me, Benson.
I know
this gorgeous redhead.
How gorgeous?
Ah, ah, ah.
The redhead is mine.
Figures.
She's a stewardess.
Stewardess? I thought
you were saving yourself
for an heiress.
Oh, well, of course.
When I marry,
the girl must have
the correct social background,
but for tonight, I just want
to spend a few hours
with a hot little redhead.
Well, who doesn't?
You've got my permission.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Benson, I'm between
a rock and a hard place.
The redhead won't go out
and leave the roommate
sitting at home alone.
And if I go over there,
I'm stuck with both of them.
Sounds complicated.
Get somebody else.
Uh, I would love to.
Unfortunately, you're
the only black man I know.
What?
Her thing is black guys?
Of course.
What do you mean "Of course?"
Is she black?
Well, now that you mention it,
I, I think she is.
You think she is?
Well, she's not
actually black.
(CHUCKLES)
I mean, she's...
Well, she's more...
Blackish.
Right.
So, what do you say, Benson?
She's got a great personality.
Let me tell you something,
Clayton.
First blind date I had
had a great personality
and the face
of a goalie.
No, no, no, no, no.
This woman is beautiful.
Aha. I see.
The second blind date I had
had a beautiful face
and the personality
of a goalie.
So, that's just about it
for blind dates.
That's your final answer,
is it?
Yeah, that just about
does it.
All right. Fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm certainly
not going to beg.
Benson, please! She's leaving
for Amsterdam tomorrow.
Uh...
I'm begging, aren't I?
Fine. Forget it.
Well, good night, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Peter, Peter, Peter.
How would you like to go
to the big fight tonight?
With you?
No, with a date.
Where am I gonna find a date
at this hour?
Between a rock
and a hard place.
What are your feelings
about interracial dating?
How tall is she?
"Miss Kraus is
our head housekeeper.
"She's been at the mansion
longer than anyone,
"even my dad.
"Miss Kraus says she does
everything by the book.
"I don't know
what book that is.
"I think she wrote it herself.
"She expects everyone
to follow
"all sorts of rules
and regulations.
"Sometimes we break the rules,
but Miss Kraus never does."
KRAUS: Oh, stop
with the noise! Oh.
Okay, I give up.
Where is it?
I didn't feel like making
the coffee this morning.
The only thing
I feel like doing is dying.
Don't let me stop you.
I wish you had stopped me
last night.
Oh, my head.
I'll fix you something
to make you feel better.
That was some barbecue.
You look like
you were having
a good time.
You must have danced
with every member
of the cattlemen's
association.
Yeah, I still got pointy
boot marks all over my shins.
All I did was go in to check
und see if the dessert
was being served,
und the next thing I know,
I'm doing an allemande left
with some cowpuncher.
You should have begged off.
You try begging off
when somebody grabs you
und yells,
"Yippee ty aye ay."
Come on, Kraus.
You had a ball.
Well, that one hombre
was pretty cute.
You mean the one
in the snakeskin suit?
Ohh.
My head is killing me
und it is all your fault.
My fault?
Ja, I thought
you were my friend.
I've never given you
any reason to think that.
Well, you could have told me
somebody spiked the punch.
I tried to.
You yodeled at me.
I don't remember anything
after trying to ride
that mechanical bull.
You don't
remember anything?
No.
Anything?
Why do you keep
saying "Anything"
as if it were something?
Come on now, Kraus.
Don't get yourself all
worked up. You were fine.
You made sure dessert
and coffee were served,
and you cleared the tables.
And then...
Well, come on.
Let's hear it.
Well, uh, you wouldn't let
the maids do the dishes.
You insisted
on doing them yourself.
I did?
Yeah.
In the swimming pool.
I did the dishes
in my bathing suit?
No.
I went into the pool
with all my clothes on?
Were your clothes
damp this morning?
No.
There's your answer.
Oh, my word.
Well, did everybody...
See me?
They applauded.
Oh, I am ruined.
Finished. Kaput! (CRYING)
Good morning, Miss Kraus.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Coffee ready yet?
No, sir, not yet.
Sorry.
I'll come back later.
Oh, by the way, Miss Kraus,
you missed the best part
of the party last night.
You never should have
gone to bed
after they turned off
the mechanical bull.
Benson!
Hang in there, buckaroo.
KATIE: "Pete Downey
is my father's
press representative.
"He has two main jobs.
"One is to get my father's
name in the newspaper,
"The other is to keep
my father's name
out of the newspaper.
"I think he's better at
keeping it out than he is
at getting it in.
"Pete is getting divorced.
"But I think he
still likes Janine.
"'Cause he's always
talking about her."
Arnold, you're my lawyer.
Do something.
I don't know. I thought
covering Janine's
medical expenses
meant a bottle of iodine
and some band-aids.
I didn't know it included
cosmetic surgery.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Look, look, if her old nose
was good enough for me,
it's good enough
for a shoe salesman.
No, no, no.
I'm not being unreasonable.
This isn't like fixing
a dented fender.
Janine needs major bodywork.
Her nose is just
the tip of the iceberg.
Well, you just tell her
you couldn't reach me.
So, it's a lie.
You're a lawyer, aren't you?
I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right.
Benson, I asked you
to come in here
because Pete has an idea
he wants us to hear.
Right. Okay.
And you're gonna love it.
Now, who were the great
builders of this state?
People.
You looked that up?
People built this state.
Okay, but what kind of people?
Dead people?
People of every nationality,
that's who.
You had Chinese, Africans,
Hispanics, Vikings, Poles.
Do you know how many it took
to build this state?
Pete, you know I don't approve
of those ethnic jokes.
Oh, you mean people...
People.
Now, what I'm proposing
is a celebration
honoring the varied
backgrounds
of the founders of our state.
It would reinforce
your standing with
the ethnic groups, sir.
Might even bring in
the Viking vote.
What kind of celebration?
A pageant.
We'll re-create
the most famous event
in our state's history.
Ah, that would be 1832,
when almost all of our
vegetation was eaten
by locusts.
No, no, sir. I was thinking
of Johnny Appleseed,
who came through here
and changed the face
of our state forever.
Is he the one that built
all them Taco Towers?
Come on, Benson.
I'm talking about
a pageant on the front lawn
honoring the life and times
of Johnny Appleseed.
What do you think, sir?
One, Pete.
One, sir?
Yeah, on a scale
of one to ten, it's a one.
I see. I see.
You mean you have certain
reservations about the idea.
Fine. What about you, Benson?
Well, I don't have
any reservations at all.
I hate it.
Eh, I was never crazy
about the idea myself.
They tried something
like this in New Jersey,
and nobody came.
Well, I'm glad
we're in agreement.
Uh, Benson, when they
deliver the apple trees,
don't sign for them.
(KNOCKING)
Hi, Miss Kraus.
It is getting late.
How is the homework coming?
I'm only halfway
through my family.
I still have to do
Marcy and Daddy.
Well, I'm sure Marcy
won't mind if you
make her short.
And Benson.
You can leave him out.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
"Marcy is my
father's secretary.
"She used to be Marcy Hill,
but she got married,
"and now her name
is Marcy Hill-Slater,
"like Chris Evert-Lloyd.
"I think it sounds neat.
"She married a man
with two children,
"so now she's
a working mother.
"That would probably be
too much for some people,
"but not Marcy."
I know it itches, Tommy,
but scratching it
will just make it worse.
Hold on.
The man from the furniture
rental is here, Marcy.
I need the guest list
for the garden party.
I'll have it for you
in a second.
What, Tommy?
Oh, I know.
Now, look, just try
to get some rest,
and I'm sure you'll feel
better by dinnertime.
I love you, too.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Tommy's sick?
Poison ivy.
We camped out
this weekend.
Why? Dan miss
a house payment?
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Camping is
a great family activity.
Yes, Governor?
That file's
on your desk, sir. Okay.
Now, where was I?
Typing or camping.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Anyway, we had a great time
except for Tommy's poison ivy.
Oh, yeah?
Have you ever
camped out, Benson?
Yeah, once.
Really? Where?
Korea. Didn't like it.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Should have gone
to a national park.
Tried to,
but they wouldn't
move the war.
Yes, sir?
Right away, sir.
You know, living outdoors
is a wonderful experience,
and Dan's teaching the kids
how to survive
in the wilderness.
Why? You planning
to ditch 'em?
I'll take that, Marcy.
We're expecting a call from
the vice president's office.
Put it right through.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir.
You know, being a
working mother, I realize
that the time I spend
with my family has to be
used to the fullest.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, Benson,
could you get that?
Governor's office.
Sure. Hold on a minute.
It's for you.
You know, at first,
the idea of juggling
a career and a family
really scared me,
but now that I've got
the hang of it, it's a breeze.
Marcy, have you got that file?
Who is that on hold?
Have you got
the vice president's
office on hold?
You've got the Vice President
of the United States on hold?
Relax, Clayton.
It's Mrs. Gummersil.
That's Sally's teacher.
Well, keep
the personal calls short.
Hello.
Is Sally all right?
Oh, good.
Oh. I see.
Yes, I understand,
but I think I can explain.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Could you hold one second,
please? Thank you.
Governor's office.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Grant.
Marcy, the guest list.
Two seconds.
How's Tommy feeling?
Ooh-hoo.
Uh, uh, yes,
I do know how hard it is
to find
a reliable housekeeper,
and you are one of a kind.
Oh, Mrs. Grant, I'm sure
he didn't mean what he said.
It was just
the poison ivy talking.
Yeah, put him on.
Thanks.
Sorry, Benson.
It's okay. I want to hear
what the poison ivy said.
Tommy, I want
you to tell Mrs. Grant
you're sorry
for what you said.
Of course you are.
You are too sorry!
Can you wait a minute?
I've got someone else
on hold. Okay.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
I'll come back
for the guest list.
No, no, no.
I'm almost done.
Yes, sir? Certainly.
Hello, Mrs. Gummersil,
are you still there?
Oh, good. Okay.
No, no, I don't think Sally
needs psychological testing.
Yes, I did see
her homework assignment.
She's not depressed.
It's just that we went
camping this weekend,
and the only crayon
that didn't break
in her knapsack
was the black one.
I thought that would
explain it. Okay, bye-bye.
Tommy's still on hold.
Oh, thanks.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Governor's office.
Could you hold, please?
Marcy! Thank you.
Now, sweetheart,
I know how you feel,
but please try
to be a good boy.
And I promise
when I get home,
I'll rub you all over
with baby lotion.
I'll put you right through,
Mr. Vice President.
KATIE: "And now
I come to my father.
"He's the Governor
of this whole state,
"and that's
a very important job.
"And I'm very proud of him.
"He has to make
a lot of big decisions.
"Honestly, I don't know
how he does it."
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Come in.
You wanted to see me,
Governor?
Uh, yes, Benson,
sit right here for just
a minute, would you?
Why does he do
this sort of thing to me?
Good morning, Governor.
How are you today?
Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?
Just isn't gonna work.
Sir, may I ask
what you're doing here?
I work here.
This is my office.
No, I mean
this chair business.
Oh, that. Benson, let me
ask you something.
You notice this window?
Yes, it's been there
since I can remember.
Well, when my chair's on
this side of the desk,
my back is to the window.
I can't look out at the garden
unless I swing
my chair around.
Then there isn't
any place to write.
So, I thought if I moved
the chair around
on this side of the desk,
I could look out while I work.
Well, I'll call maintenance
and get them to rearrange
your furniture.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I don't know
if I should tamper
with the natural
order of things.
Look at Hawaii.
Can you see it
from this window?
You know what I mean.
Hawaii used to be an island.
Now it's all cities
and high-rises and tourists.
Yes, sir,
but it's still an island.
Oh, well,
technically I suppose,
but it's all different.
Look at the grand canyon.
I hope this is not gonna count
as my vacation.
No, they left the Grand Canyon
as they found it.
Well, with
all due respect, sir,
what in Sam Hill
could they do with it?
It's just a hole
in the ground.
They could have filled it up
and built condominiums,
which would be
a shame because it's
a breathtaking sight.
Have you ever seen
the Grand Canyon?
No, sir, I'm always on
the wrong side of the plane.
Oh, so, you've seen
the painted desert?
Yes, sir.
Sir, the furniture.
Oh, yeah.
I just don't know
whether to leave it
the way it was
or move it to this side.
Why don't you flip a coin?
That's a good idea, Benson.
Do you have a coin?
Yes, sir.
Heads. Tails. Heads.
Which is it, sir?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Don't go away, Benson.
Heads I stay.
Tails I leave.
Oh, damn.
Just a minute.
Let me write this down.
Would you just leave
the coin, please, Benson?
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute. Yeah.
All right.
GOVERNOR: Right.
KATIE: "Daddy will know
I haven't played favorites
"when he sees
I've put Benson last."
"Benson is
head of household affairs,
"but he really does more
than just manage the mansion.
"What's special
about Benson is...
"Well, he's Benson."
You're coming yourself?
Be still, my heart!
KATIE: "Benson has
an awful lot of duties,
"but no load
is too heavy to carry.
"And somehow
he always finds time
"for Daddy's
high level meetings.
"Benson says being informed
"helps him keep
on top of situations.
"And that way,
things never get out of hand.
"And no matter what comes up,
Benson is always there.
"I think the thing he does
best is organizing things.
"When Benson's around,
everything runs
like clockwork.
"Not that his life
is all work.
"He really knows
how to enjoy himself.
"And he really looks great
when he's all dressed up.
"But the thing that really
makes Benson special
"is that he's my friend."
The end.
You're home early.
Yeah. What are you doing,
checking up on me?
Uh-huh.
Good night, Benson.
Good night, sugar.
Good afternoon, Benson.
Ah, good afternoon, Governor.
It's the first time
I've seen you all day.
Yeah, it's the first time
I've seen you all day, too.
Small world, isn't it?
How was your night
on the town?
Uh, it was okay.
How was The Sound of Music?
Oh, I fell asleep on the sofa
while Julie Andrews
was still a nun.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Hi, everybody. I'm home.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Did the teacher
like your essay?
I got a B-plus.
Way to go, Katie.
Sharon Brett got an A.
I think she cheated.
She stayed up and watched
The Sound of Music.
And then wrote
about that family.
Maybe you should read
Sharon Brett's essay.
Why would I do that?
Well, at least,
then you'd know how
The Sound of Music came out.
---
My, don't you look spiffy?
Spiffy?
Governor, this isn't spiffy.
This is bad.
What's wrong with it?
No, sir,
"Bad" means "Good."
Oh, and you're going out
to have a real bad time?
You said it.
Is this a special occasion,
Benson?
No, I'm going out to
have a little dinner,
maybe a little dancing.
Did I ever tell you
about the time I entered
the dance marathon?
I'm afraid not.
Well, I lasted for 39 hours.
(CHUCKLING)
I remember they kept playing
the same tune
over and over again.
I could have won if it hadn't
been for my partner.
She couldn't keep up
with you, huh?
No, I couldn't keep up
with her.
She ran off
with the saxophone player.
So, I gave up the idea of
becoming a professional dancer
and went back
to high school.
Well, I think you made
the right decision.
Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Benson, what would you say
if I went out
with you tonight?
You mean, you
and the security guards?
Well, they are supposed to be
with me wherever I go.
Well, sir, I don't know
how much fun we'd have
at the Lido Palace
with three guys hanging around
looking like cops.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Benson.
Hi, Katie.
Oh, Benson,
you look bad.
You're right. (CHUCKLING)
The worst I've ever seen.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
He'll never get it.
Well, Benson,
what's with the suit?
I'm stepping out tonight.
Oh, I was hoping
it was a job interview.
Well, I have a quiet evening
at home planned.
The Sound of Music
Is on.
♪ The hills are alive
♪ With the sound
of music ♪
Oh, boy,
The Sound of Music.
Can I watch it
with Miss Kraus?
Not till you've finished
your homework.
All I have to do
is write an essay.
It shouldn't take more
than 20 minutes.
You can write a whole essay
in 20 minutes?
I know I couldn't.
Then you can't watch
The Sound of Music.
It won't take long, Daddy.
All we have to do is describe
each member of our family.
And since you're
the only family I've got,
I'll be finished in no time.
Katie, what I want you to do
is write something
about everybody who lives
here in the mansion.
We're all part
of the same family.
We're all related, sort of...
Benson, Marcy,
Pete and Clayton, Miss Kraus.
Don't get carried away.
You're very lucky to have
such a big, special family.
Oh, Daddy.
Now, Katie.
All right, Daddy.
Don't play favorites.
Take care of yourself, Benson.
I may not see you for weeks.
(CHUCKLING)
Uh, I guess that'll
do it for tonight.
Well, good night, Governor.
Have a wonderful
time, Benson.
Listen, If you've got
nothing better to do,
I'd be happy to have you
come along with me.
Benson, could I take
a rain check on that?
There's no way I'm gonna miss
The Sound of Music
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, I'll try to have
a good time anyway.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(OFF-KEY)
♪ The hills are alive
♪ With the sound
of music ♪
KATIE: "My Family,"
by Katie Gatling.
"My family is not like
other families,
"because everyone
who works for my father
"is part of my family.
"But none of us are related
except my father and me.
"I was gonna write
about my father first,
"but he told me
not to play favorites.
"Clayton Endicott is my
father's chief political aide.
"Clayton is...democratic.
"He treats everyone
the same way."
Ah, Benson,
Benson, Benson.
What a pleasant surprise.
What's your angle, Clayton?
No angle, I'm just surprised
you're still here.
You're not going
to the big fight?
The fight's
been sold-out for weeks.
Uh-huh.
What would you say
if I told you
that I had
two ringside tickets?
I'd say
you were rubbing it in.
And what would you
say if I told you
those tickets are yours?
Mine?
If you ask me nicely.
Here they are, Benson.
Hmm.
What happened, Clayton?
They cancel the fight?
No, no, no. I just had
a change of plans.
I can't use them.
This is very nice
of you, Clayton.
I know.
Why do I have the feeling
that you're about
to invade Poland?
What's the catch?
There's no catch.
There's just a...
(CLEARS THROAT)
A certain somebody I want you
to take with you.
Who?
Trust me, Benson.
I know
this gorgeous redhead.
How gorgeous?
Ah, ah, ah.
The redhead is mine.
Figures.
She's a stewardess.
Stewardess? I thought
you were saving yourself
for an heiress.
Oh, well, of course.
When I marry,
the girl must have
the correct social background,
but for tonight, I just want
to spend a few hours
with a hot little redhead.
Well, who doesn't?
You've got my permission.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Benson, I'm between
a rock and a hard place.
The redhead won't go out
and leave the roommate
sitting at home alone.
And if I go over there,
I'm stuck with both of them.
Sounds complicated.
Get somebody else.
Uh, I would love to.
Unfortunately, you're
the only black man I know.
What?
Her thing is black guys?
Of course.
What do you mean "Of course?"
Is she black?
Well, now that you mention it,
I, I think she is.
You think she is?
Well, she's not
actually black.
(CHUCKLES)
I mean, she's...
Well, she's more...
Blackish.
Right.
So, what do you say, Benson?
She's got a great personality.
Let me tell you something,
Clayton.
First blind date I had
had a great personality
and the face
of a goalie.
No, no, no, no, no.
This woman is beautiful.
Aha. I see.
The second blind date I had
had a beautiful face
and the personality
of a goalie.
So, that's just about it
for blind dates.
That's your final answer,
is it?
Yeah, that just about
does it.
All right. Fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm certainly
not going to beg.
Benson, please! She's leaving
for Amsterdam tomorrow.
Uh...
I'm begging, aren't I?
Fine. Forget it.
Well, good night, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Peter, Peter, Peter.
How would you like to go
to the big fight tonight?
With you?
No, with a date.
Where am I gonna find a date
at this hour?
Between a rock
and a hard place.
What are your feelings
about interracial dating?
How tall is she?
"Miss Kraus is
our head housekeeper.
"She's been at the mansion
longer than anyone,
"even my dad.
"Miss Kraus says she does
everything by the book.
"I don't know
what book that is.
"I think she wrote it herself.
"She expects everyone
to follow
"all sorts of rules
and regulations.
"Sometimes we break the rules,
but Miss Kraus never does."
KRAUS: Oh, stop
with the noise! Oh.
Okay, I give up.
Where is it?
I didn't feel like making
the coffee this morning.
The only thing
I feel like doing is dying.
Don't let me stop you.
I wish you had stopped me
last night.
Oh, my head.
I'll fix you something
to make you feel better.
That was some barbecue.
You look like
you were having
a good time.
You must have danced
with every member
of the cattlemen's
association.
Yeah, I still got pointy
boot marks all over my shins.
All I did was go in to check
und see if the dessert
was being served,
und the next thing I know,
I'm doing an allemande left
with some cowpuncher.
You should have begged off.
You try begging off
when somebody grabs you
und yells,
"Yippee ty aye ay."
Come on, Kraus.
You had a ball.
Well, that one hombre
was pretty cute.
You mean the one
in the snakeskin suit?
Ohh.
My head is killing me
und it is all your fault.
My fault?
Ja, I thought
you were my friend.
I've never given you
any reason to think that.
Well, you could have told me
somebody spiked the punch.
I tried to.
You yodeled at me.
I don't remember anything
after trying to ride
that mechanical bull.
You don't
remember anything?
No.
Anything?
Why do you keep
saying "Anything"
as if it were something?
Come on now, Kraus.
Don't get yourself all
worked up. You were fine.
You made sure dessert
and coffee were served,
and you cleared the tables.
And then...
Well, come on.
Let's hear it.
Well, uh, you wouldn't let
the maids do the dishes.
You insisted
on doing them yourself.
I did?
Yeah.
In the swimming pool.
I did the dishes
in my bathing suit?
No.
I went into the pool
with all my clothes on?
Were your clothes
damp this morning?
No.
There's your answer.
Oh, my word.
Well, did everybody...
See me?
They applauded.
Oh, I am ruined.
Finished. Kaput! (CRYING)
Good morning, Miss Kraus.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Coffee ready yet?
No, sir, not yet.
Sorry.
I'll come back later.
Oh, by the way, Miss Kraus,
you missed the best part
of the party last night.
You never should have
gone to bed
after they turned off
the mechanical bull.
Benson!
Hang in there, buckaroo.
KATIE: "Pete Downey
is my father's
press representative.
"He has two main jobs.
"One is to get my father's
name in the newspaper,
"The other is to keep
my father's name
out of the newspaper.
"I think he's better at
keeping it out than he is
at getting it in.
"Pete is getting divorced.
"But I think he
still likes Janine.
"'Cause he's always
talking about her."
Arnold, you're my lawyer.
Do something.
I don't know. I thought
covering Janine's
medical expenses
meant a bottle of iodine
and some band-aids.
I didn't know it included
cosmetic surgery.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Look, look, if her old nose
was good enough for me,
it's good enough
for a shoe salesman.
No, no, no.
I'm not being unreasonable.
This isn't like fixing
a dented fender.
Janine needs major bodywork.
Her nose is just
the tip of the iceberg.
Well, you just tell her
you couldn't reach me.
So, it's a lie.
You're a lawyer, aren't you?
I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right.
Benson, I asked you
to come in here
because Pete has an idea
he wants us to hear.
Right. Okay.
And you're gonna love it.
Now, who were the great
builders of this state?
People.
You looked that up?
People built this state.
Okay, but what kind of people?
Dead people?
People of every nationality,
that's who.
You had Chinese, Africans,
Hispanics, Vikings, Poles.
Do you know how many it took
to build this state?
Pete, you know I don't approve
of those ethnic jokes.
Oh, you mean people...
People.
Now, what I'm proposing
is a celebration
honoring the varied
backgrounds
of the founders of our state.
It would reinforce
your standing with
the ethnic groups, sir.
Might even bring in
the Viking vote.
What kind of celebration?
A pageant.
We'll re-create
the most famous event
in our state's history.
Ah, that would be 1832,
when almost all of our
vegetation was eaten
by locusts.
No, no, sir. I was thinking
of Johnny Appleseed,
who came through here
and changed the face
of our state forever.
Is he the one that built
all them Taco Towers?
Come on, Benson.
I'm talking about
a pageant on the front lawn
honoring the life and times
of Johnny Appleseed.
What do you think, sir?
One, Pete.
One, sir?
Yeah, on a scale
of one to ten, it's a one.
I see. I see.
You mean you have certain
reservations about the idea.
Fine. What about you, Benson?
Well, I don't have
any reservations at all.
I hate it.
Eh, I was never crazy
about the idea myself.
They tried something
like this in New Jersey,
and nobody came.
Well, I'm glad
we're in agreement.
Uh, Benson, when they
deliver the apple trees,
don't sign for them.
(KNOCKING)
Hi, Miss Kraus.
It is getting late.
How is the homework coming?
I'm only halfway
through my family.
I still have to do
Marcy and Daddy.
Well, I'm sure Marcy
won't mind if you
make her short.
And Benson.
You can leave him out.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
"Marcy is my
father's secretary.
"She used to be Marcy Hill,
but she got married,
"and now her name
is Marcy Hill-Slater,
"like Chris Evert-Lloyd.
"I think it sounds neat.
"She married a man
with two children,
"so now she's
a working mother.
"That would probably be
too much for some people,
"but not Marcy."
I know it itches, Tommy,
but scratching it
will just make it worse.
Hold on.
The man from the furniture
rental is here, Marcy.
I need the guest list
for the garden party.
I'll have it for you
in a second.
What, Tommy?
Oh, I know.
Now, look, just try
to get some rest,
and I'm sure you'll feel
better by dinnertime.
I love you, too.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Tommy's sick?
Poison ivy.
We camped out
this weekend.
Why? Dan miss
a house payment?
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Camping is
a great family activity.
Yes, Governor?
That file's
on your desk, sir. Okay.
Now, where was I?
Typing or camping.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Anyway, we had a great time
except for Tommy's poison ivy.
Oh, yeah?
Have you ever
camped out, Benson?
Yeah, once.
Really? Where?
Korea. Didn't like it.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Should have gone
to a national park.
Tried to,
but they wouldn't
move the war.
Yes, sir?
Right away, sir.
You know, living outdoors
is a wonderful experience,
and Dan's teaching the kids
how to survive
in the wilderness.
Why? You planning
to ditch 'em?
I'll take that, Marcy.
We're expecting a call from
the vice president's office.
Put it right through.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir.
You know, being a
working mother, I realize
that the time I spend
with my family has to be
used to the fullest.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, Benson,
could you get that?
Governor's office.
Sure. Hold on a minute.
It's for you.
You know, at first,
the idea of juggling
a career and a family
really scared me,
but now that I've got
the hang of it, it's a breeze.
Marcy, have you got that file?
Who is that on hold?
Have you got
the vice president's
office on hold?
You've got the Vice President
of the United States on hold?
Relax, Clayton.
It's Mrs. Gummersil.
That's Sally's teacher.
Well, keep
the personal calls short.
Hello.
Is Sally all right?
Oh, good.
Oh. I see.
Yes, I understand,
but I think I can explain.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Could you hold one second,
please? Thank you.
Governor's office.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Grant.
Marcy, the guest list.
Two seconds.
How's Tommy feeling?
Ooh-hoo.
Uh, uh, yes,
I do know how hard it is
to find
a reliable housekeeper,
and you are one of a kind.
Oh, Mrs. Grant, I'm sure
he didn't mean what he said.
It was just
the poison ivy talking.
Yeah, put him on.
Thanks.
Sorry, Benson.
It's okay. I want to hear
what the poison ivy said.
Tommy, I want
you to tell Mrs. Grant
you're sorry
for what you said.
Of course you are.
You are too sorry!
Can you wait a minute?
I've got someone else
on hold. Okay.
(TELEPHONE BUZZING)
I'll come back
for the guest list.
No, no, no.
I'm almost done.
Yes, sir? Certainly.
Hello, Mrs. Gummersil,
are you still there?
Oh, good. Okay.
No, no, I don't think Sally
needs psychological testing.
Yes, I did see
her homework assignment.
She's not depressed.
It's just that we went
camping this weekend,
and the only crayon
that didn't break
in her knapsack
was the black one.
I thought that would
explain it. Okay, bye-bye.
Tommy's still on hold.
Oh, thanks.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Governor's office.
Could you hold, please?
Marcy! Thank you.
Now, sweetheart,
I know how you feel,
but please try
to be a good boy.
And I promise
when I get home,
I'll rub you all over
with baby lotion.
I'll put you right through,
Mr. Vice President.
KATIE: "And now
I come to my father.
"He's the Governor
of this whole state,
"and that's
a very important job.
"And I'm very proud of him.
"He has to make
a lot of big decisions.
"Honestly, I don't know
how he does it."
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Come in.
You wanted to see me,
Governor?
Uh, yes, Benson,
sit right here for just
a minute, would you?
Why does he do
this sort of thing to me?
Good morning, Governor.
How are you today?
Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?
Just isn't gonna work.
Sir, may I ask
what you're doing here?
I work here.
This is my office.
No, I mean
this chair business.
Oh, that. Benson, let me
ask you something.
You notice this window?
Yes, it's been there
since I can remember.
Well, when my chair's on
this side of the desk,
my back is to the window.
I can't look out at the garden
unless I swing
my chair around.
Then there isn't
any place to write.
So, I thought if I moved
the chair around
on this side of the desk,
I could look out while I work.
Well, I'll call maintenance
and get them to rearrange
your furniture.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I don't know
if I should tamper
with the natural
order of things.
Look at Hawaii.
Can you see it
from this window?
You know what I mean.
Hawaii used to be an island.
Now it's all cities
and high-rises and tourists.
Yes, sir,
but it's still an island.
Oh, well,
technically I suppose,
but it's all different.
Look at the grand canyon.
I hope this is not gonna count
as my vacation.
No, they left the Grand Canyon
as they found it.
Well, with
all due respect, sir,
what in Sam Hill
could they do with it?
It's just a hole
in the ground.
They could have filled it up
and built condominiums,
which would be
a shame because it's
a breathtaking sight.
Have you ever seen
the Grand Canyon?
No, sir, I'm always on
the wrong side of the plane.
Oh, so, you've seen
the painted desert?
Yes, sir.
Sir, the furniture.
Oh, yeah.
I just don't know
whether to leave it
the way it was
or move it to this side.
Why don't you flip a coin?
That's a good idea, Benson.
Do you have a coin?
Yes, sir.
Heads. Tails. Heads.
Which is it, sir?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Don't go away, Benson.
Heads I stay.
Tails I leave.
Oh, damn.
Just a minute.
Let me write this down.
Would you just leave
the coin, please, Benson?
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute. Yeah.
All right.
GOVERNOR: Right.
KATIE: "Daddy will know
I haven't played favorites
"when he sees
I've put Benson last."
"Benson is
head of household affairs,
"but he really does more
than just manage the mansion.
"What's special
about Benson is...
"Well, he's Benson."
You're coming yourself?
Be still, my heart!
KATIE: "Benson has
an awful lot of duties,
"but no load
is too heavy to carry.
"And somehow
he always finds time
"for Daddy's
high level meetings.
"Benson says being informed
"helps him keep
on top of situations.
"And that way,
things never get out of hand.
"And no matter what comes up,
Benson is always there.
"I think the thing he does
best is organizing things.
"When Benson's around,
everything runs
like clockwork.
"Not that his life
is all work.
"He really knows
how to enjoy himself.
"And he really looks great
when he's all dressed up.
"But the thing that really
makes Benson special
"is that he's my friend."
The end.
You're home early.
Yeah. What are you doing,
checking up on me?
Uh-huh.
Good night, Benson.
Good night, sugar.
Good afternoon, Benson.
Ah, good afternoon, Governor.
It's the first time
I've seen you all day.
Yeah, it's the first time
I've seen you all day, too.
Small world, isn't it?
How was your night
on the town?
Uh, it was okay.
How was The Sound of Music?
Oh, I fell asleep on the sofa
while Julie Andrews
was still a nun.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Hi, everybody. I'm home.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Did the teacher
like your essay?
I got a B-plus.
Way to go, Katie.
Sharon Brett got an A.
I think she cheated.
She stayed up and watched
The Sound of Music.
And then wrote
about that family.
Maybe you should read
Sharon Brett's essay.
Why would I do that?
Well, at least,
then you'd know how
The Sound of Music came out.