Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 17 - Easy Kid Stuff - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Okay. Pick a card,
any card.

Look at it
and put it back.

Okay. Cut 'em.

Okay.

There you go.

Okay.

Seven of clubs, right?

How'd you do that?

You mean it worked?



Remind me never
to play poker with you.

Oh, I haven't played
poker in years. You play?

Well, not really.

Until I joined the army,
I thought a full house meant

all your relatives
were living with you.

Oh, I'm not any good,
but I love it.

Every Tuesday night
down at the lumber mill,

we'd have
a regular game.

That's one of
the disadvantages
of being Governor.

I don't see my old
poker buddies.

Why don't you
get a game together?
Nah.

Why not?

Nah, I haven't talked
to those guys in years.

Oh, heck,
that's no excuse.
They're friends.



Nah, they're
probably busy.

Is this a private
conversation
you're having?

You know, Benson,
you're right.

First thing in the morning,
I'm gonna make some calls.

A game would be fun.
Thank you, Benson.

Well, good night.

Good night? Aren't you
gonna show me how
you did this trick?

Why, Benson,
it was magic.

(KRAUS SCREAMS)

Benson, there's
a man in my room.

Was that him
that screamed?

Stop making
jokes, Benson.

Be careful. He's small,
but he's wiry.

Be cool.
It's only me.

Michael!

Sorry I scared you,
Miss Kraus. Hi, Benson.

What are you doing
here in the middle
of the night, Mike?

I was looking for you.

In my room?

I thought I was climbing
into Benson's room.

Mike, what are
you doing here?

Look, I need a place
to stay for a while.

What's wrong
with where you live?

Things have changed.
I don't live there anymore.

Since when?

Since, uh...
Since I became
an orphan.

Orphan?

Oh, I see, I see.
Here, have a seat.

Well, when did
all this take place?

Yesterday.

You became
an orphan yesterday?

See, my dad was
driving to work,
and he saw this parade.

Parade?

Yeah, and standing
there watching the parade
was my mother.

Where were you?

Uh... English class.

So, anyway, there
were hundreds of
elephants at the parade,

and this one elephant
starts to go crazy

and runs right at my mom.

My dad tried to hit
it with the car.

You know,
to save my mom.

Anyway, the car was
totaled, and he died.

And what happened
to your mother?

The elephant fell on her.

You know, when
I was your age,

the same thing happened
to a friend of mine.

It did?

Yeah, the parade,
the car was totaled,

elephant fell on
the mother. Everything.

What happened to him?

Well, when this
kid's parents

found out he was
telling that story,

he wasn't allowed to
watch TV for 8 years.

This is a kid that missed
Mary Tyler Moore entirely.

You wouldn't let them
do that to me, would you?

Mike, I'm gonna have
to call your mother.

Good luck finding her.
What's that
supposed to mean?

She dumped me
on my father
and his new family

about a month ago.

Said she was going
to California to
visit a sick uncle.

So you ran away
from home?

No, she ran away
from home.

Is this another one
of your stories?

No, Benson, I swear
it's the truth.

Then I'm gonna have
to call your father.

Can't I just stay here
just for tonight?

Mike, your father
will be worried sick.

I'm gonna have
to call him.

Okay, but do me a favor.

Don't tell him
the elephant story.

Would you like
some more cocoa?

No, thanks,
Miss Kraus.

I'm really sorry
about this, Benson.

It was no
problem, Frank.

I'm sorry
about the kid.

Ah, kids will be kids.

Well, if you'll
excuse me,

I've got to go put
the screen back
in my window.

Well, Mike?

You're not mad at
me, are you, Dad?

Yeah, I'm mad
and disappointed.

You know, running away
won't help this problem.

Too bad Thelma
doesn't run away.

I told you not
to call her Thelma.

You call her Mom
or Mother or something.

She's not my mother.
She's my stepmother.

I feel just
like Cinderella.

You two want to be
alone for a few minutes?

No, we've been in
your way long enough.

I'm not going back
there and let her
kids beat up on me.

Nobody beats up
on you, son.

They boss me around.

I've got to do
everything they want.

It'll only get worse
with you out of town.

I can't get that screen
back in my window.

I'll give you
a hand, Kraus.

Mike, you knocked
that screen out.
You go help her.

She's got a knife.

Get in there!

(LAUGHING) What are
you gonna do?

Can I get you some
coffee or something?

Yeah, coffee
would be great.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do about that kid.

Well, your mother
probably said the same
thing about you, man.

The trouble is,
he's got a point.

Thelma and her kids,
they're doing their best.

But you know Mike.
He doesn't always
make it easy.

Well, it's just gonna
take a little time.

You're right about that.

Right now I haven't
got the time.

Why not?

I've got to fly to
Houston for a job
interview tomorrow.

In the meanwhile,
I don't know what I'm
gonna do about Mike.

I don't want to
leave him at the house,
he'll just run away again.

Benson, could you
do me a favor?

Hey, Frank, don't ask.
Please, man, no.

I wouldn't, but I can't
take him with me.

Yes, you can.
Strap him to the wings.

Benson, I'm in a bind.

How long are you
gonna be gone?

Not that long.
I'll be back in no time.

What's "No time"?

Only five days.

Five days? Man, I'll be
over the edge in five days.

Benson, please.

I got the screen in.

Mike, how would you
like to spend a couple
of days with me

while your dad's
in Houston?

You'd really let me
stay with you?

Yeah, on one condition.

I knew there
was a catch.

I expect you to help out
around the house.

This house?

No, no, no.
My place.

Oh, sure. I'll do
anything you want.

And I don't want you
giving Benson any trouble.

Me? Come on, Dad.
Benson's my buddy.

I'll drop him by in
the morning with his stuff.

Okay, Frank.
Good luck with
the interview.

Hey, I really
appreciate this.

Don't forget
where you left him.

Hey, Mike, it's
time to get up.

I am up.

I see.

Well, well, well.
What is this?

I made breakfast
for you.

Hey, that's very
thoughtful of you, Mike.

I did last night's
dishes, too.

Of course, I got
them dirty again
making breakfast.

(CHUCKLES)
(CRACKLES)

Mmm.

When did you
make this toast?

About an hour ago.
It's okay, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's delicious, yeah.

I'm gonna save it
for hard times.

What is this
on the cereal?

I couldn't find you sugar,
so I used Boysenberry Syrup.

(CHUCKLES)

Boysenberry Syrup, huh?

Mmm. You know,
I think I may have
steered you wrong

when I told you

that you had to help out
around the house.

It doesn't
include cooking.

What is this?

Root beer.

Oh, Mike,
I don't think

I can let you have
root beer for breakfast.

It's not for me.
It's for you.

Mmm.
I had the last
of the orange juice.

Yeah-hmm.

Whoo-whee!

Boy, that really
starts you off

in the morning
there. Mmm-hmm.

Well, listen,
this has been exquisite.

Uh, look at
the time, boy.

I better get
your lunch together.

How many sandwiches
do you want?

For what?

I'm gonna make
your lunch.

How many sandwiches
you want?

Zero.

What is that
supposed to mean?

I hate sandwiches.

Oh, you hate
sandwiches?

Well, then you're gonna
lose weight around here

'cause sandwiches
are kind of the specialty
of the house.

And, besides, this is
my famous egg salad.

You told me
you liked egg salad.

But I don't like bread.

Oh, you don't like
bread, huh?

Well, this is all I got
to put it in, Mike.

That's your problem.

Oh, I see.
Mmm-hmm.

One egg salad,
hold the bread.

Here you go.

Hey, man,
this is gross.

Would you rather
be wearing it?

Look, just give me
$1 for lunch and forget
the whole thing.

You can forget
the dollar.

You've got an apple
and some egg salad
in a bag.

Now get your books,
or you'll be late
for school.

Did you do
your homework?

This isn't my homework.
This is Rosemary Henderson's.

What are you doing
with her homework?

She paid me
50 cents to do it.

You charge people 50 cents
to do their homework?

Hey, I gave her
a discount. I like her.

(MUMBLING) If you like her
so much, why don't
you stay with her?

So, Marcy,
did you decide?

Do you want to buy
a raffle ticket?

Katie, if I won, what would
I do with a chain saw?

That's not the point.

It's to help
the school band.

They're only 50 cents.

Okay, I'll take one.

I don't have any change.

Okay, okay, two.

It wasn't a fight.
We were just goofing off.

When I drove up,
you were punching him.

I was pushing him.

Pushing him where?
He was already
on the ground.

Go to the kitchen
and do your homework.

Homework? Don't you
know anything about kids?

I'm supposed to be
playing now.

He's right, Benson.

If I didn't have to
hustle these raffle tickets,

I'd be out playing.

They're right, Benson.

When did we
choose up sides?

Okay, go on out and play.

But in an hour,
you hit the books.

Come on, Katie,
I'll help you sell
those tickets.

We'll never sell
them one at a time.

What we need
is one rich pigeon.

Marcy, let me
tell you something.

Being a father is
tough enough without
having you loosen

my already slippery
grip on authority.

Well, you're talking
to the mother of two.

I just thought you might
like the benefit
of my vast experience.

I don't need it.

I've got the benefit
of Mike's vast experience.

Hey, I just bought
10 chances on
a chain saw.

What are you gonna do
with a chain saw?

Oh, I won't win.
Hey, is the Governor in?

He's on the phone.

I'll just sneak in.
I've got to borrow
some law books.

Did you and your divorce
lawyer break up?

This isn't my divorce.
I got a speeding ticket.

And you're gonna fight it?
Of course I'm
going to fight it.

Well, were you
speeding or not?

What's that got
to do with it?

Do you want to see
the Governor?

No, I've got to see Clayton.

I'm supposed to see him
in the morning, but I can't.

So I want to find out
if he'll do me a favor.

A favor? Are you speaking
about our Clayton?

(SCOFFS) Well,
I've got no choice.

I've got to see Mike's
teacher in the morning.

Why? Is he having trouble
with schoolwork?

Oh, no, school's
no problem for him.

It has to do with
a bag of egg salad.

Would you care
to explain that to me?

I thought you had
all this vast experience.

Didn't you ever drop
water balloons out
of a window?

Yes.

This is the same idea,
using egg salad.

I hope the principal
can get his jacket cleaned.

Ah, Benson, having
a little sit-down?

Uh, Clayton,
I need to talk to you

about our meeting
tomorrow morning.

Uh, could we
postpone it?

I have to meet with
Mike's teacher
in the morning.

Fine. No problem. 1:15.

What?

1:15. You can make
it then, can't you?

Yeah, I just didn't think
it would be so easy.

Benson, taking time
out of your busy
schedule and mine

to look after
that young man
is truly admirable.

Now, I realize
that as chief of staff,

I could have insisted
that you be here

at 9:30 as agreed upon,

but what would be
the point?

You wouldn't have
shown anyway.

Now, wait a minute.
Am I wrong?

Mmm, I'll see you
at 1:15.

Oy, he always has
to have the last word.

What do you mean?
I had the last word.

Yeah, "1:15".
Big comeback.

Here you are, Marcy.

Oh, hi, Benson.
How's it coming
with Mike?

Uh, just dandy.
GOVERNOR: Good.

Did you get that poker
game together yet?

Not really.

None of my old friends
wants to play.

And I don't understand it.
I was always the big loser.

You know, I think
our relationship's changed

since I became Governor.

I had a lot more fun
when I was known
as Easy Money.

Benson, Mike fell
out of a tree
and hurt himself.

Where is he?
Outside.

Poor little Mikey.
Can you see anything?

No, I can't.

Well, what's going on?

I don't know.
They took him
into another room.

Then why are you
looking through
that window?

It makes me feel better.

Come on, Benson.
You might as
well sit down.

This may take a while.

(SIGHS) I hope his arm
isn't broken.

It looked broken
to me.

If you don't mind,
I'll get a second opinion.

Oh, hey, how's Mike?

Mike who?
Mike Hopkins.

I brought him in
over 40 minutes ago.

Oh, yes,
the gunshot wound.

No, the broken arm.

He's probably in X-ray.

Probably?

What's your number?

Number?
Your admissions number.
It's on your form.

Well, how do I know?

Uh, Benson, I have it.

It's 5-6-8-1...

Hey, hey! I thought
you wanted the number!

Benson, Benson,
calm down.

Uh, I should never have
gotten mixed up in this
whole business.

I'm not cut out
to be a parent.

That doesn't stop
most people.

Hey. Hey, I thought
you wanted the number.

I didn't need the number.
You gave me his name.

Anyway, I checked
on your boy.

He has a broken arm.
I knew it.

It's a clean break.

The doctor's in there
setting his arm now.

Just sit down
and relax.

Relax? Shouldn't
I be in there?

Do you have
a medical degree?

No, I mean,
I want to see Mike.

When he's done.

Done? What is he?
A pot roast?

How's your pizza?

Great.

You know,
this broken arm means

I'm gonna miss
Little League tryouts.

I didn't know
you played baseball.

I'm 9 years old.

What do you think I did?
Dabble in the stock market?

Gosh, you're cute.

So you play
baseball, huh?

Yeah, and I'm pretty good.

I made Pee Wee All Stars
two years in a row.

Last year I hit 731.

Oh, with stats like that
you should be making
$400,000 a year.

Yeah, but now
I'm on the injured list.

Is that what you want
to be when you grow up?
A baseball player?

It beats
what my dad does.

Mike, your dad
drives a bulldozer.

That's a good-paying job.

Besides, he's got
a family to support.

But I'm not
part of that family.

Yes, you are, Mike.
Your father loves you.

You heard how worried
he was on the phone.

And he's very anxious
that everything works out

between you
and the new family.

Meanwhile, he's
going to Alaska.

Alaska?
He's in Houston.

Yeah, to see about
a job in Alaska.

But he is coming
back here first, right?

What's the matter, Benson?

You afraid you're gonna
be stuck with me?

That thought had
crossed my mind.

You don't like having
me around, do you?

Oh, of course I do.
You know, I'm just giving
you a hard time.

Benson, do I have to
go live with that family?

You have that much
trouble with those kids?

Yeah, they hate me.

Come on, Mike,
you're exaggerating.
They don't hate you.

Maybe not,
but you know
what Gregory does?

He steals stuff from me.

Like what?

Well, last week, Gregory
went through my stuff

and found this bag
of candy corn.

I've been saving it
since Halloween,

and he gave it
to his dog.

Well, Mike, there's lots
of candy in the world.

Then the dog puked
in Thelma's closet.

Well, that finishes me
with the pizza.

Gregory blamed
it on me.

So, Thelma sent me
to my room
for the rest of the night.

You know, it ain't
easy being a kid.

Well, it's not that
much fun being
an adult, either.

Hey, when are you
gonna sign my cast?

Oh, when you ask me to.

What do you want me to do?
Beg?

I assume
you've asked me.

What do you
want me to write?

"To my friend Mike."

"To my friend..."

And sign it
Willie Stargell.

Okay, where should
I sign it?

Right up here
near Willie Stargell.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir,
have you seen Marcy?

Uh, can I help you?

Well, I need someone
to type up this legal
opinion for me.

Oh, It would
take me forever.

Hunt and peck,
hunt and peck.

The only reason
I took typing

was because
Barbara Carol Yost
was in that class.

Oh, boy, did I have
a crush on her.

And it didn't do me
any good.

I never learned
to type,

and I went to the prom
with Mildred Oberdorfer.

Well. (CLEARS THROAT)
This will keep.

You want to
sign my cast?

Oh, sure, Mike.

There we go.
What's that?

My initials.

That guy's spooky.

Hey, Mike,
you ready to go?

The Governor
signed my cast.

Hey, that's very nice.
Thank you, Governor.

Oh, sure. Hey, Benson,
you want to be in
the poker game?

You finally got that
game together, huh?

Well, if you say yes,
that'll be two of us.

Just the two of us?

Two's not enough
for poker, is it?

I'll play.

Well, if we need an
extra man, we'll call you.

How about me
and you play
some Crazy Eights?

You're on.
10 cents a point.

Can you afford that?

He... He's a wonderful
little kid, isn't he?

Come on. Let's get
out of here. Your dad
will be here soon.

Thank you very
much, Governor.
See you later.

(CHUCKLING) Crazy Eights.

I haven't played that
since I was 11.

Nah, I'd never get that
group together again.

Hi, guys.
MARCY AND BENSON: Hi.

How'd it go with
the traffic ticket?
Well, I beat it.

So, why the unhappy look?

The judge cited me
for contempt of court.

Why?

Well, I took along
one of Katie's
radio-controlled cars

to demonstrate
my argument.

As soon as
I turned it on,

something went haywire
in the judge's hearing aid.

I guess it startled him
because he jumped up
and knocked over the flag.

The eagle on the flag
hit the bailiff on
the forehead,

and as he fell over,

he spilled a cup of hot
coffee in the clerk's lap.

She jumps up,
screaming and waving
her arms,

and poked the judge
in the eye.

Well, that was an accident.
That's not contempt of court.

No, no, I think
the contempt part was

when I started laughing.

(KIDS YELLING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's going on here?

We're playing tag.

Mike, you shouldn't
be running through
the house,

waving that cast around.

The two of you go outside
and play something quiet.

(SHOUTING) Come on!
Walk! Walk! Walk!

(BOTH SHOUTING)
KRAUS: Halt!

Okay, now, you two go
and play in Katie's room.

And keep it down
to a dull roar.

Out, out.

Kraus, I told them
they could go outside.

And I told them
they couldn't.

You want him to get
his clothes dirty?

It's bad enough
you're returning him
with a broken arm.

I bet you're gonna
miss Mike when
he's gone, huh?

Yeah, like the hostages
miss Iran.

Well, I know one thing.
He's gonna miss you.

Hey, Benson,
look who's here.

Hey, welcome back,
Frank.

Thanks, Benson.
Thanks for taking
care of Mike.

I'll go get
my suitcase.

Well, he's been looking
forward to you getting back.

How did the job
interview go?

Uh, they'll let me
know in a couple weeks.

Good luck.
All right.

Oh, sorry about his arm.

Hey, look,
I appreciate the call.

It was nice to know
there was somebody
around who cared.

Okay, I'm ready
to go, Dad.

Well, aren't you
gonna say goodbye?

Oh, sure.
Goodbye, Marcy.

Goodbye, Mike.
Goodbye, Miss Kraus.

Come again
soon, Michael.

Well, Benson,
you lived through
it again.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. It seems hard
to believe, doesn't it?

If I had two good arms,
I'd give you a hug.

Well, I've got
two good arms.

(CHUCKLES)

So long, Michael.

So long, Benson.

If you ever have
an extra ticket
to the ball game,

you know my number.

The only ball games
I want to see

are the ones
you play in.

Only five more weeks.

Okay.
Come on.

Thanks again, Benson.
All right, Frank.
Take care.

(CHUCKLES)

You know something?
I think I'm gonna miss
that little turkey.

Nah.

Five-card draw,

Jacks Or Better progressive.
Ante up.

Okay, what's wild?

Your dealer.

By the way, Pete,
what happened
to that contempt charge?

You got to reduce
the sarcasm.

I paid the fine.

I'll open but this
is my last hand.

No way, tinhorn, you
got to give the rest of
us a chance to get even.

If everybody ends up even,
what's the point of playing?

Okay, cards.

Two.
Clayton two.

I'll take three.

KRAUS: Governor, three.
Two.

KRAUS: How about you, Pete?
No, I'll play these.

Uh-huh.

And the dealer
takes four.

BENSON: Come on,
Clayton, it's on you.

El foldo.

BENSON: Governor?

One big red one.

I see you a dime
and raise you a quarter.

On you, Pete, 35.

Okay, tell me again.
Does a flush
beat a straight?

BENSON: Yes.

And a full house
beats a flush?
BENSON: Right.

Okay, I'll see
your 35 cents.

Pair of sixes.

Wait a minute,
Kraus hasn't bet yet.

She's only
got two fours.

You looked
at my hand.

I saved you 35 cents.

You stood pat
with a pair of sixes

and I folded
with a pair of Jacks.

I was bluffing.

(PETE CHUCKLES)

Come on, Governor,
it's between you and me.

Okay, I'll see you.

I really hate to do this
to you, Benson.

I have a straight.

You have a straight?
You took three cards.

Yeah, I saved
the 8 and 9.

I don't know,
it just felt right.

Welcome to
the Twilight Zone.

I'm down $15.

And I'm up 9 bucks.

You lost every hand,
how can you be ahead?

He's playing
with your chips.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)