Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 19 - Handwriting on the Wall - full transcript

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(OPENING THEME PLAYING)

Oh, Miss Kraus,
that French toast
was delicious.

That wasn't
French toast.

That was
toast a la Kraus.
What's the difference?

Well with toast a la Kraus,

first you dip it
in the batter

and then you aggravate it
for about 20 minutes.

Do you care to join me
for a cup of coffee, Benson?

Yes, sir. About those
demonstrators outside...

Are they
here already?

They woke me up
this morning.



"Save the animals,
trees, and grass.

"Kick Gene Gatling
out of office."

Well, she
remembered most of it.

I'm not crazy about the
sentiment, but it is catchy.

Sir, Captain McDermott
is worried about security.

He wants to disperse
the demonstrators.

Oh, well, we could
ask them to leave,

but I don't think
they'd go.

Well, he had in mind
turning a fire hose on them.

I won't allow it.

Well, I took the liberty
of telling him that, sir.

Those demonstrators have
as much right to be here
as Captain McDermott.

How can we make him
understand that?

We could turn the
fire hose on him.



How long is that
rabble going to
march around chanting?

They're upset about
converting a state forest

into an energy-exploration
site, but what am I gonna do?

All the geologists say
it's the best place to look

for natural gas.

Not as good as
the state legislature.

Your concern
is admirable, sir,
but it's unwarranted.

You have single-handedly
protected more land

than any governor
in the history of this state.

It's nothing
to lose sleep over.

That's what I keep telling
myself as I lie there awake.

I tried counting sheep,

but they were all
carrying little suitcases

'cause I'd kicked them
out of their homes.

Governor, you sent
the bill to the legislature.

Now that it's passed,
you can't very well veto it.
(SCOFFING)

I can't?
Well, you can. Hm?

But you can't.

How much
do you pay him
for advice like that?

Good morning,
everybody.

ALL: Good morning, Marcy.

Isn't it great
to see all those
concerned citizens

protesting against
one of the outrages

of our technocratic society?

Thank you, Jane Fonda.
We know where you stand.

Of course, I would never
try to influence the
Governor's opinion

one way or the other.

But!

How anyone can turn his back
on all those helpless
little animals

is beyond me.

You know, sometimes
it isn't lonely enough
at the top.

I wouldn't worry, sir.
History will
support you on this.

Well, I certainly
hope so because
this fellow doesn't.

Let me read you
this letter I got.

"You dirty rat."

Oh, that's
probably for Clayton.

I haven't even
gotten to the good part.

"I hate you.
What you're doing
to animals stinks.

"I hope you croak."

Signed, "A friend."

Sir, all this proves
is that one of
your critics is deranged.

Well, I'll say
this for him.

His printing's
very legible
for crayon.

Well, an issue like this
was bound to provoke

at least one crank letter.

Oh, he's written me others,
or she has.

They're in my desk.

You sure they're all
from the same person?

It looks like
the same green crayon.

Are they all like this?
Oh, no.

Some are really nasty.
(CHUCKLES)

You mind if I
take a look at them?

No, help yourself.
They're in my
left-hand desk drawer.

Why do you suppose
Benson's so interested
in those letters?

Maybe he's looking
for a pen pal.

You called me,
pretty lady?

Why, Captain McDermott,
if I called you anything,

it wouldn't be that.

He's here, Benson.

BENSON: Coming!

If this is about
those demonstrators outside,
my men are ready for them.

Sorry, McDermott.
Put your fire hose
back in your holster.

Hello, McDermott.
How are you?

Ready, willing, and able.
What's this all about, Benson?

(IMITATING McDERMOTT)
The Governor's been
getting some hate mail.

Really?
From who, Benson?

That's what
we'd like you to find out.
Right.

What? Hate mail?

Well, sure.
You haven't seen these before?

No.
I thought you opened
all the Governor's mail.

Benson, if you're gonna
conduct this interrogation,

what am I doing here?

If I were you, that's
one question I'd never ask.

Leave it
to a pro, Benson.

I thought you opened
all the Governor's mail.

I do.

You must have
overlooked these.

McDermott, It's pretty hard
to overlooks something
written in green crayon.

Well, if they didn't come
in the mail, then
how'd the Governor get them?

How do I know?
Maybe somebody just walked in
and put them on his desk.

No, that's impossible.

How long have those protestors
been in that conga line
out there?

More than a week.

Right, and since day one,

I've been sacking out
right here at the mansion.

I haven't seen any
fishy-looking characters
sneaking around. Have you?

No. Just a senator or two.

Would you
get somebody on these?

No problem, Benson.

Do you think
we're dealing
with a real weirdo here?

Yes. He just left.

Good morning, Clayton.

Mm-hmm.

What's it
all about, Benson?

Well, I was just
gonna ask you that.

I have been working on
this gas-exploration bill

for three months.

Three long months
of futility.

I am overwhelmed
with a sense
of hopelessness,

as if all my
monumental efforts
add up to diddly-squat.

I have exactly
the same feeling
when I look at my paycheck.

You know what
the problem is, Benson?
It's the system.

The government
has grown so complex.

It's almost impossible
to do anything.

So why do I keep trying?

Why am I here?

Come off it, Clayton.
You're good at what you do.

The Governor needs you.
The state needs you.

That's why you're here.

You're right. Of course.

Thank you.

You know, I'd like to
return the compliment,

but try as I may,
I find it impossible
to be insincere.

Serves you right, stupid.

Hi, Benson.
Hi, sugar.

Benson, my friend Judy's
coming over
after school today.

We have to finish
our science project.

Okay.

But that means we can't have
our chess game this afternoon.

Well, that's fine with me.

The last time
we played chess,

my king didn't last
long enough to raise taxes.

Bye.
Bye, babe.

This is for you.
Yeah.

Morning.
Morning.

Captain McDermott
left it on my desk.

It's the police psychologist
report on the hate mail.

Thank you, Marcy.
He said
it's confidential.

Oh, yeah?
What's it say?

It says that
whoever wrote the...

It's all right, Marcy.
My name's on it.
You can tell me.

It says whoever wrote
the letters is not violent

and in no way
poses a threat
to the Governor.

Well, I certainly hope
they know what
they're talking about.

It's amazing what you can tell
from handwriting analysis.

Really? How do you know?

I used to mess around with it
in high school.

I'd look at girls' handwriting
and tell them

what they
subconsciously longed for

was a deep,
physical relationship

with a fairly short,
sensitive man.

Did that work?
No.

But then
nothing else did, either.

Everybody, in the living room!
Come quick!

I wonder what this
is all about.

She probably found a dime
in the couch.

Kraus, will you please
slow down long enough

to tell us
what this is all about?

I'll tell you what it's about!
Just look at my wall!

MARCY: Good Lord!

"Don't mess
with mooses."

KRAUS: Ja.
I haven't seen
anything like that

since Janine spray-painted
"Divorce me"
on the garage door.

I'll get something
to clean the wall.

Nobody touches that, Kraus.
It's evidence.

But who could have
done this thing?

Captain?
Roger.

Here's the way
I read the evidence.

In order to write
that message,

the man had to be
inside the mansion.

Either that, or he had
a very long crayon.

Now, there are
two possibilities.

Either our friend
came inside
from the outside,

or he could
have been inside all along.

I think you
just lost me.

He's saying
it could have been
an inside job.

That's your theory?

That's Dummkopf-Spiel.

Are you accusing
one of us?

Everybody in this room
is a suspect,

so nobody leaves
till I finish
my investigation.

Well, nobody's going
to investigate me.

I'll be in my kitchen.

Yeah, so will I.

I'll be at my desk, sir.

Sir, I feel my authority's
being challenged here.

It's not being challenged.
It's being laughed at.

Governor, they're right.
This doesn't make any sense.

I'm sorry, Benson,
but Captain McDermott's
just doing his job.

How would it look
if I excused my personal staff

or myself
from an investigation?

Thank you, sir.
You said you had some method
of finding out who did this.

It's very simple.

I'm sure it is
if he thought of it.

I'll need
handwriting samples.

I want everybody
on the staff to
write something for me.

Oh, goody.
Can I make mine
a personal message?

Don't be cute, Benson.
What am I going to do
with a personal message?

The instruction will be
in the message.

Just write your little heart
out, Benson.

Meantime, I'll bring in
the Screaming Eagles.

Couldn't you
just get a police dog?

Well, sir, Screaming Eagles
is the trade name
for this little baby.

The state of the art
in sonar-beam
alarm systems.

(ALARM BLARING)

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

Turn it off!
Off!

(INAUDIBLE)

I had you going there
for a minute, didn't I?

I can have one of these
in every room of
the mansion by tonight, sir.

Isn't there any other way?

Not if you
want to catch this sucker.

I better get the troops
cracking on this.

Sir, isn't Captain McDermott
overdoing this?

No. We can't
hold him back, Benson.

We have to
give him his head.

Shouldn't we
put something
in it first?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, you can
rest easy, Benson.

The alarm system's
been completely installed

inside and out.

I've instructed my men
to turn it on at exactly

3, 2, 1, now.

The green crayon
has been silenced for tonight.

You're a credit
to the flag, McDermott.

Thanks, Benson.

You're some kind
of guy yourself, fella.

Well, it's been a long one.

I think I'll hit the pillow
and stack up some Z's.

Okay, Benson. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.

You bugged my bed?

Cute, Benson,
but don't worry. Trust me.

We'll all
sleep easier tonight.

If anybody
even moves, we'll know it.

My men have wired
every window, every door.

(ALARM BLARING)

No! No! No!

(ALARM STILL BLARING)

Cut it! Cut it!

(BLARING CONTINUES)

I don't know
what you're
complaining about, Kraus.

You set off
one of those
alarms yourself.

Well, I had to
brush my teeth.

You could have
left them in the glass
till morning.

Good day.

Easy for you to say!

You didn't have
eagles screaming
at you all night.

Where's the Governor?
He isn't down yet.

How long's
he gonna be?

Um, he should
just be a few minutes.

You two gonna wait here?

You bet your bobsled.

Fine. I'll be
in the kitchen.

What are you looking at?
You don't know, either, huh?

Good morning.
BENSON:
Good morning, Governor.

About those alarms...

I know. It was awful.
Where's McDermott?

I'm gonna get him
on the phone.

How many times
did those alarms
go off last night?

I lost count
after a Screaming Eagle

caught a moth
in Katie's closet.

McDermott, get over
to the Governor's office.

It's down the hall
and to your left.

McDermott even triggered one.

I found him in the hall
in his pajamas.

McDermott in his jammies, huh?
No wonder the eagle screamed.

You wouldn't believe
what those demonstrators
did to me.

What?
One of them yelled,
"Animal killer,"

and hit me
with a bag of trail mix.

A pretty good shot.
I was running at the time.

You know, that trail mix
wasn't bad, either.

Hey, there, Pete.

I saw you zigzagging
up that lawn.

Good moves, fella.

You wanted to
talk to me, sir?

Yes. I'm afraid
your security system
isn't working out.

Nobody got in, did they?

Nobody got to
the bathroom, either.

Inconvenience is the price
we pay for security, Kraus.

If every home in America
had a Screaming Eagle,

we wouldn't
hear about crime anymore.

Yeah, we'd all be deaf.

None of the outside alarms
were triggered
last night, right?

Too bad we weren't
sleeping outside.

Were there
any notes this morning?

Just one for the milkman.

But none in crayon.

Well, I rest my case.

Don't rest it
till you've explained it.

Well, he's saying that
there are no notes
this morning

because nobody broke into
the mansion last night.

Bull's eye.

So it was nobody on staff?
It was an outsider?

Roger.
Good.

Then we can take out
all the inside alarms

and get some sleep.

Whatever you say, sir.
I just follow orders.

Then follow that one.

(THUD)
Look.

"Stay out of the woods
or I'll beat you up good."

You know what
we have here, Benson?

It sounds like a poem
from Muhammad Ali.

No. What we have here
is an ironic twist.

I was wrong.

It is an inside job.

Hi, kiddo.

Hi, Captain McDermott.

I like the way you handle
that crayon, little lady.

Thanks.

Have a lot of experience
with crayons, do you?

I don't have a lot
of experience with anything.

I'm only 10.

Very nice tree.
Thank you.

How come it's blue?

'Cause I don't have
a green crayon.

Why not? Did you wear it out?

No. I just can't find it.

Uh-huh?
I guess I lost it.

It's not much
of an alibi, sweetheart.

Okay, how's this?

This morning when the
note was discovered
on my father's door

I was not on the premises.

I spent the previous night

at the home of
my good friend and co-student

Judy Palermo.

All right, all right.

That's enough.
We were working
on a science project.

This can be verified
by Judy's parents

Marie and Arnold.

Get away from me, kid!

Oh, that
stupid delivery boy!

What are
these bags doing here?

So far, they haven't
done anything.

Tell Senator Ravel

I agreed with him
about Senator Billings.

Yes, sir. What should
I tell Senator Billings?

I'll tell him myself.

I'm gonna
go see him Visitors Day.

(GRUNTING)

What's that, Clayton?
These are the dead files

I asked you to
have removed
from my office.

Oh, I wouldn't
leave them there.

(SIGHS) Where would
you like them?
In your office.

That's where maintenance is
gonna pick them up.
Oh, no.

You'll all
be happy to hear

the alarm system's
been completely removed.

(ALL CHEERING SARCASTICALLY)

Hey, if this is a party,
how come I wasn't invited?

Clayton, will you
get those files
off my table?

Very well.
Back to the salt mines.

Kraus, what is this?

McDERMOTT:
Everybody, freeze!
PETER: Why?

Don't move.
That's a bomb.

ALL: A bomb?

Nobody move!

(GRUNTING)

Stand perfectly still,
Clayton!

Shouldn't we all
get out of here?

We can't, sir.
It's too risky.

The slightest jarring
could set that thing off.

Then why didn't
it go off a
long time ago?

Because these jokers
are temperamental.

That's why, Kraus.

I've seen a tank
roll right over
one of these, and nothing.

Then somebody
drops a cigarette near one,
and kaboom!

Kaboom? (WHIMPERING)

McDermott,
we don't have all day.

If Katie comes
through that door
skipping rope,

we're all gonna
be blown to smithereens.

If you know how to
defuse this thing, then do it!

Okay, okay.
No problem.

But it'll take two of us.

Two of us?
I don't do bombs.

I'd love to do it, Benson, but
I left my glasses in the can.

Sorry, ladies.

Now, don't worry, Benson.

If you can screw in
a light bulb,
you can do this.

We are doomed.

Captain McDermott!

Don't let that
touch the floor, Clayton!

(GROANING)

Marcy, have you got
a Philips screwdriver?

Not on me.

How about

a potato peeler?

That'll do.

Hurry.

I can't feel my fingers.

All right, Benson,
now, the first thing you do

is disconnect that
red wire from the terminal.

Red wire
from the terminal?

Hold it!

How does that go?

"White, you're right.
Red, you're dead."

You better make that
the white wire.

I suppose it's too late
to call Radio Shack.

Trust me, Benson.
The white wire.

Hit the deck!

What happened?

For one thing,
I nearly lost my lunch.

One of those
magnetized babies.

You slap it on
the side of a ship,
it sticks right there.

Forget the lecture.

I'm doing
irreparable damage
to my back.

Cut the chatter,
Clayton!

(GROANING)

All right, Benson.
Just relax

and very carefully
get that peeler
off the bomb

and then proceed.

Proceed?
Yeah.

The only thing
you told me was
red is dead.

(GASPS)
Ah. Good.

Okay. Now try
turning that terminal

that's attached
to the white wire

from the right
to the left.

BENSON:
Right to the left.

That should loosen it,

unless it's
one of those
Ruskie jobs.

Well, then what?

Well, as they say
in Russia, sayonara.

Come on, Benson!
Chop, chop!

McDERMOTT: (GRUNTS) Good.

Good.
BENSON: Mm-hmm?

You're getting it.
Mm-hmm?

(STAMMERS)

Yeah.
Ah! Good.

Good. All right.

Now, this next step
should do it, Benson.

That should
disarm the bomb.

Just take a deep breath

and pull that wire
away from the terminal.

The red one, right?
No! No! No!

Just checking.

Ohh!

Oh, wonderful.

You saved our lives,

and I have the posture
of a question mark.

I'm going to call
the chiropractor.

Thanks for
the assist, Benson.

Any time.
Hey!

Hey, who broke
my science project?

This is
your science project?

It was an electromagnet.

Now it's junk.

I got to go call
Judy Palermo.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(WHISPERING) I think there's
somebody in the living room.

Crayon man?
I think so.

I'll go around
the other way.

(MUFFLED COUGH)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(SNEEZES LOUDLY)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(FLOOR CREAKS)

(GASPS)

Gotcha!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where did he go?

I think he must have
gone out that way.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
(GASPS) Listen!

Aha!

Oh!
If we're gonna be
dancing like this,

shouldn't one of us
be humming?

Sorry, Benson,
we thought you were
the crayon man.

We have no guarantees
that he isn't.

I say we search him
for crayons.

I'm warning you, Kraus.
You frisk at your own risk.

Oh, Captain McDermott,
I'm so glad you're here.

You probably heard
the commotion.

What's with him?

I think
he's sleepwalking.

But his eyes are open.

It's not that unusual,
Miss Kraus.

Aha. I think Captain McDermott
just solved this case.

I believe I'll wake him up
and congratulate him.

Captain!
Captain!

McDermie!

Benson, what are you doing
in my bedroom?

Look at the wall!

Holy Toledo!
He struck again.

You find any clues?
Just one.

Me?
Caught with
the smoking crayon.

You've been sleepwalking.

And sleepwriting.

Sleepwalking?
I can't believe it.

I haven't done that since they
threw me out of the orphanage.

And, look, he started
to write something
about bears.

I didn't know you cared
about the animals.

He probably
doesn't know it
himself, Miss Kraus,

but obviously
deep within
his subconscious,

Captain McDermott
loves that forest.

Of course I love that forest.

It's where
I do all my hunting.

What's the matter? They
closed the children's zoo?

Not funny, Benson.

Well, Governor,
I guess you'll want
my badge and my gun.

That won't be necessary.

But Katie
would like her crayon.

You mean I stole
that crayon?

Benson, what's
happening to me?

I don't know.
I lost interest
after you woke up.

Good morning, Governor.
Good morning, Benson.

BENSON: Did you sleep well?

Yes, I did,
once I got the idea.

What idea is that, sir?

I'm assigning
two conservationists

to that oil exploration crew.

That way, we'll have somebody
to look after the forest.

I feel
a lot better now.

It's a good idea, sir. Makes
me feel a lot better, too.

Oh, I didn't know
you were concerned, Benson.

You were the only one who
didn't express his feeling.

Well, I was gonna
drop you a note about it.

Why didn't you?
Somebody else had the crayon.